The Windsors (2016) s02e02 Episode Script

1 Darling, I'm home.
Oh, how was the air ambulance this morning? Wonderful.
I saved a man who'd accidentally sat on a vacuum cleaner when he wasn't wearing underpants.
Was it some sort of sex game? I don't judge people, I just take them to hospital so they can have things removed from their rectums.
You are so lucky to be helping people like that.
But your royal visits help people.
You give them the most important 15 seconds of their lives.
Is everything all right? It's the RAF, I'm suspended from all flying, they're saying I never completed my basic helicopter training.
Of course you did.
- Didn't you? - Yes.
And no.
I was fast tracked.
It can take up to four years to become a helicopter pilot and I did it in 13 weeks.
You let them give you preferential treatment? Well, you know the pressures on a working royal's time.
Of course, we'd never have had that skiing holiday in Courcheval.
Do you know what hurts the most, that you didn't tell me.
I just couldn't bear to see that face.
That face you've got now that says "You're just an over privileged wanker.
" I don't think you're an over privileged wanker.
Thanks for saying I'm not an over privileged wanker.
It's time for me to put this right and complete my basic helicopter training.
And anyway I have to, or I'll get a fine.
I've just been bitten by something in the garden.
- Probably Terry.
- What? He's one of the Peruvian tree lizards I've introduced to try and keep the greenfly down since I banned pesticides.
Mother nature will be far more effective.
If I can't drink vodka out there, what's the point in having a garden? - What are you up to? - It's my proposal for a new range of stamps.
It's me as a selection of Greek and Roman gods.
Second class I'm Poseidon, all the way up to £1.
50 for larger packages where I'm Zeus.
The only thing you have in common with Zeus is you've both got dodgy Greek relatives.
But what would you do if you had real power? I'd get them all, all up against a wall and shoot them.
- Who? - The Royal Institute of British Architects.
But there's a law that reins us in called the Magna Carta.
I call it the Fun Stopper.
- Oh, yes.
- Then there's the people, we'd have to be popular as a couple, and you're about as popular as a turd in a swimming pool.
Yes, I just can't get the knuckle dragging scum to take to me.
For some reason they can't seem to see past your horrible character.
I have to do something to make them like me.
Something big.
And news just in, 12-year-old singing sensation Melanie Flowers is in urgent need of a kidney transplant, but her rare blood type, AB BA AB negative, means a donor is highly unlikely.
That's my blood type.
Hello? Hi, Harry, any news from Meghan Markle? Ya, still in LA, still smashing it in Suits.
Are you all right? Oh, just feeling a bit old.
Do you ever get that? Your youth's gone and all you've got ahead is duty and responsibility.
I was saying just that to the guys at Laser Quest, but there's no point in moping, it's taken my mind off Meghan.
I've bought a nightclub.
- You haven't? - I have, I'm gonna make it the new Boujies.
We had a laugh in those days, didn't we? - Yeah.
- Do you remember that time I dressed as a Nazi? Oh, which time? Luftwaffe SS or Gestapo? - U-boat Commander.
- Oh! Tell you what, why don't you help me run it? Oh, Harry, it's a nice idea but I'm so busy with all my royal duties.
- Knock-knock.
- Watcher, Pips.
Just training for my next triathlon.
Got a new bike.
Ah, cost more than a family car.
Oh, do you want to bring it in in case someone steals it? I don't care if they do, Johnny buys them in batches of 12.
Oh, hey, I've just bought a nightclub, I've been trying to get Kate to help me run it.
Oh, Kate's far too dedicated to do that.
A royal bird trapped in a gilded cage.
Whereas I'm an eagle, soaring above, shitting wherever I like.
Now come on, girls.
Harry, I've changed my mind, I will help you with your nightclub.
Oh, no.
- What is it? - It's from MI5 saying we've breached national security by sending the DVD of Daddy setting fire to a servant to You've Been Framed.
So no £250? On top of being booted off the sovereign grant.
I still can't believe Auntie Anne called our waitressing unprofessional.
We got some of the food on to the plates.
Maybe we should learn to take criticism onboard.
Like when Mummy stopped charging £500,000 for meetings with Daddy.
You're right.
From now on, we're going to be completely professional in everything we do.
Harry's got a job for us.
Tell him we don't work mornings.
My name is Preston.
The first thing you need to know about me is I've got no testicles.
Would anyone care to speculate how I lost 'em? Was it an industrial accident? Drop and give me 20! Anyone else? It was shot off, in Iraq.
Well, well, well.
Wills Windsor.
We go way back, this guy here is a helicopter genius.
Oh, I wouldn't say that, sir.
And I want you guys to make his time here a living hell! What? You just said I was a helicopter genius.
Who broke the rules and skipped basic training.
I didn't want to.
They told me my time was too valuable to waste.
- I mean - Oh, so this is a waste of your time, is it? I do apologise, Your Highness, for dragging you away from something more valuable.
Like opening a bypass or giving Ken Dodd a Knighthood.
No, I'd much rather be here training with you guys.
Are you saying Doddy doesn't deserve a knighthood? No, he's great, I mean, well, he goes on a bit, but he's fantastic.
- Why are we talking about this? - So after 60 years in the business, Ken Dodd doesn't know how to edit his own material, - is that what you're saying? - No, you're putting words in my mouth.
What we've got here, boys, is a man who thinks that helicopter training is a waste of time.
And that Ken Dodd shows are too long.
No, it's just people do need to get trains.
I think we know how we treat men like that.
I'll leave you to get acquainted.
Right, Your Royal Highness.
Hi, guys.
Call me Wills.
Nah.
We're gonna call you fuckface.
Oh If all it takes to get little Melanie back out there singing is the donation of one of my kidneys, then I'm happy to oblige.
Course without it, little Melanie will surely die.
Yes, your parents have probably been keeping that from you.
- Yes? - Are you worried about the operation? No.
The greatest honour a ruler can have is to lay down a kidney for one of her subjects.
Right, er, that's it, let's wrap it up, shall we? Would His Royal Highness care to comment on reports of a plague of mongoose in the gardens at Clarence House? Yah, I don't know what you're talking about.
I certainly never introduced mongoose to eat the snakes which I'd hoped would prey on the lizards which I mistakenly introduced to eradicate the greenfly.
I hope that puts your mind at rest.
What about Camilla, eh? She's a jolly good fellow For she's a jolly good fellow For she's a jolly good fellow Are you sure about this operation? You're not a young woman anymore and you haven't been for many, many, many, many, many years.
Yes, but who knows what might happen before the operation.
Get in the house!! There was a queue a mile long.
So, do you want me to manage the staff? Actually, where are the staff? Oh, well, you're looking at them.
Yes, thanks very much for the opportunity, Harry.
It's so nice to be inside this time of year.
OK.
So who's going to do what? Well, we're gonna work on the door because we're so good at judging fashion and trends.
And I'm brilliant at drinking so I'll be in charge of the bar.
And I've been given the most responsible job of all, handing out sweets in the toilet.
Great.
Oh, and what about a DJ? Oh, yah.
I forgot to put that add in the newsagent's window.
Oh, hey, you could do it.
- Me? - Yah, you always made a mean mix tape.
Oh, well, that was in my carefree 20s.
I've got duties and responsibilities now.
Well, bollocks to your duties and responsibilities, I'm into this for two mil.
One club! One club! Give it to me now, dub-dub-dub OK, just a sec.
Just a moment.
Perfect head shape.
Have a great night.
- Hello, girls.
- Mummy.
Isn't it exciting, new club opening in town.
- What are you doing here? - Well, what do you think? To drink champers and flash my freckly bangers.
- Great.
- Just one sec.
We can't let her in, she doesn't fit the club profile.
But she's our mum.
What about our new professional approach? I'm sorry, you're in too big a group.
But it's just me.
I'm on my own.
I'm all alone.
But she said, too big a group.
I understand, girls, I'll go now.
Sorry, girls, did you say something? No.
Aargh! Um Oh, thank you.
Wills! What happened to your face? Well, I'm being systematically bullied at work.
Cos they think I'm stuck up.
Well, we'll speak about it later.
I've got to go and finish my set.
Set? - Henry V.
- That's right.
So you're not fitting in with your comrades? No.
Unless things change I don't think I'll last the course.
There's only one thing you can do with men like these.
Banter! It's the only thing they respect.
Banter? I'm not sure I'm very good at being bawdy.
Sometimes a king has to be.
Like once, a common foot soldier shouted at me, "Watcher, ginger pubes," but instead of getting cross, I simply replied, "Lucky they are ginger.
"It makes them easier to pick out of your mother's teeth.
" And that's what won us Agincourt.
So I should just walk in tomorrow and call them all twats? Um, I wouldn't open with it.
Now I must go and cut some shapes.
Once more unto the breach! Pippa! You seem to be enjoying yourself.
Is Johnny with you? No, his company's just taken over a thriving pottery firm and he's busy bulldozing it to make a car park.
Oh, oh, hang on a sec.
Sorry about that, getting really in to this.
I had the whole crowd moving as one, I'm like some sort of mystical shaman.
Mm, or someone who's just putting on one record after another.
There's more to DJing than that.
Yes, well, there is all that Jamaican to learn.
Pippa.
Hey, have you two ever kissed? Sorry I'm off my face.
May I have the pleasure of this dance? You may.
When did you become a DJ? Inside, I think I always have been.
Really? Anyway, we'd better go, I've gotta get up early to practise my banter.
But I've got to do another set.
Can't you just stick a record on and leave them to it? No.
I've got go like this with one hand and then this with the other otherwise it's not the same.
Apart from anything else, you've got a full diary tomorrow.
I can do this and my royal duties.
No-one can be a full time royal and a nightclub DJ, there simply aren't enough hours in the day.
Watch me.
Two What's the matter with you today? Normally we can't get you out of the - garden.
- Oh, I'm just taking it in from here.
It's got nothing to do with the wolves you've introduced to eat the - mongoose, has it? - No, no, no.
And that's certainly not the reason the gardener lost his arm.
That press conference was a success.
Camilla Parker Bowles over Britain.
Yes, it's all going rather well.
Oh, I see the brakes on little Melanie's wheelchair failed.
- Oh, dear.
- Yes, and at the White Cliffs of Dover, too.
Goodness me, if a bystander hadn't grabbed her she surely would've gone - right over the cliff.
- Yes, it's all very sad.
What? You mean she survived? Yes.
Good, isn't it? So I am going to have to give her a kidney.
They've picked up Simpkins' scent.
Run, Simpkins, run! Not in here, man, use the tradesman's.
Look who it is, Princess William.
Right.
I don't have a comeback.
Shut up, you big hairy knob.
If that's the best you can do, then that private education was a waste of money.
- I - Don't think.
Feel, and it will come.
Funny you want to be a pilot because you are the definition of And another thing That was incredible.
I've never heard banter like it.
And just from the cuss-sweeping abuse and psychological insight, - consider yourself one of the lads.
- That's all I ever wanted.
Very touching.
But that don't mean jack when it comes to passing your basic training.
And to do that each one of you got to defeat me in the boxing ring.
That's not on the syllabus! Do I look like I give a damn?! - Oh, you're in early.
- I haven't slept.
I went straight from the club to a breakfast meeting with British Netball.
I've got 15 minutes to do tonight's set list before having tea with the Potato Association.
Do you make those set lists? I thought you just cut and pasted them off Spotify.
No.
What's this? Harry! You've lost £1m in two days.
Blimey, how did that happen? You haven't charged anyone for drinks.
Do people pay for drinks? - 'Course they do.
- Well, I never have.
One person drank £33,000-worth of vodka! Oh, yah, that was me.
I thought I felt a bit ugh.
Harry, don't you understand how serious this is? You're about to go out of business.
- What?! - I said you're about to go out - No.
Sorry, I think I just heard an ice cream van.
Mayfair 387.
- I need your help.
- Who is this? You know who this is.
'The club's in trouble.
It needs a cash injection fast.
' Why don't you ask Wills? I can't, he doesn't approve of my DJ-ing.
Oh, trouble in paradise? Well, who's got the shit relationship now? I never said anything about your relationship.
So you thought you'd come crawling to your little sister instead? Oh, I suppose I could speak to Johnny.
- Thanks.
- But first, admit that you're a bland goody-two-shoes head girl who secretly bores the tits off everyone she meets.
But that's not true.
- It is, now say it.
- All right, Pippa, if that's what you want.
I'm a bland goody-two-shoes head girl who bores the tits off everyone I meet.
'Congratulations.
' Harry's little nightclub is saved.
Thank you, Derek, now the other foot.
Charles, I want you to know, if the worst should happen you have my permission to remarry.
I wouldn't want to.
I'd be like Queen Victoria after Albert died, go in to mourning for many, many years, and then perhaps when the pain has dulled, reconnect with Susan George on Friends Reunited.
- We're ready for you.
- Darling you can still back out.
You don't need to have the public like you.
You're not David Beckham.
I have my reasons.
Better to reign in hell than serve in heaven.
You'll be in hell in a minute if he gets it wrong.
- Or heaven.
- Oh, be realistic.
Sorry, no trainers.
Judging people on their appearance is such fun.
Apart from that one time when we turned away our own mummy.
Stop it, Beatrice.
Oh, Eugenie, we've become professional, but at what price? Hello, girls, I mean, one, please.
- Mummy? - I don't know what you're talking about.
I'm only 18.
Mummy, we know it's you.
Oh.
I'm sorry, girls, I've made a fool of myself again, haven't I? Why can't I accept it's not 1985 anymore? Don't be silly, Mummy, you're coming in, and you're going to have the night of your life.
Frankie says relax! Nice shorts, where d'you get them? - Help the Aged? - No bantering's gonna help you here.
And for the record, I got 'em from M&S.
So, Queensberry Rules? Ugh.
Isn't it great seeing Mummy enjoying herself.
Let's never be professional again.
Kate, where have you been? The Cheltenham Gold Cup, there was a Stewards Enquiry.
Well, you can't DJ dressed like that.
Yes, I can.
Now give me my bass cans.
Kate, Kate, maybe you should take the night off.
- You look done-in.
- I'm fine.
Oh! - Is being a pilot worth this? - It is to me.
All you're good for is accepting bunches of flowers from old ladies.
How's this for a bunch of flowers? Ain't you forgetting something, boy? - It's Harry.
- Harry? Sorry, I can't talk right now.
I'm in the middle of something.
Kate.
Something's happened to Kate.
- One, two - I'm coming.
- .
.
three.
Wills? You have to stay in the ring for the full count, you're gonna pass.
I've got to go.
Nine.
Ten? - I'm alive! - You always say that when you wake up.
But I haven't got any stitches.
No, they didn't take your kidney.
Oh, because I drink 40 units of alcohol a day? No, they ran a blood test and found you had a tropical disease.
How did I get that? Terry the lizard.
The point is your kidney's intacto, plus little Melanie bought a kidney off someone else.
Urgh, oh, lovely.
Oh, it's just 80, I thought we said a hundred? No, no, 80's fine.
Urgh.
Well, I can't wait to get home.
Ah, you're going to be staying here for the next 48 hours.
Sweat out the old tropical disease.
- What? - We haven't got the necessary restraints at Clarence House.
You'll be safer here anyway.
Since the bears gained entry.
- Bears? - They're the wolves' only natural predator.
But the poison will have taken effect by the time you get home.
I thought you'd banned pesticides in the garden.
We can't lose any more men! Which one of the staff's the designated first-aider? - Kate.
- Oh.
Kate? Get back, everyone.
It's exhaustion! And what do you do for a living? Oh, Kate you're back, I'm sorry we argued.
of course you should be a DJ if that's what you really want to do.
No, I realised something when I was unconscious, it's time I put all my energies in to preparing to be queen.
After all, it could happen as soon as 2050.
You've always gotta get it in haven't you? I'm giving up the air ambulance, I can be a full time royal, too.
But you did pass? - No.
- Was it because you rushed here to help me? A gentleman never tells.
Oh, Wills.
Big borcha! Harry, I've just had some bad news, you know that loan from Johnny? Well, it wasn't a loan.
He now owns the club and he just sold it to property developers.
I see.
And how does that affect me? I'm popular, and with popularity comes power! Ha-ha-ha-ha! The sheep love me! Argh! Argh! Argh! That's visiting time over, see you in 48 hours.