The Wrong Girl (2016) s02e02 Episode Script

1 If I needed you to come back immediately and help me save The Breakfast Bar from euthanasia, is that something that could happen? I am so excited.
I have seen all your previous work.
Lil, this is Jeremy.
He's a new producer.
He's a network pick.
Also happens to be the CEO's son.
Was it his idea to fire Erica? Yeah, I'm not sure how he came to that decision, but I can't wait to see what you do with the goodbye episode.
You see, girls, this is the kind of stupid argument - you will have to endure - When you achieve things from people who have had every opportunity extended to them.
People will say, that's because the world is sexist, not becau Good to have you back, Lily.
What's going on with you and Vincent? WOMAN: Well, like, I love him, of course I love him.
Just like a second-best friend.
What you said to me before I left, it - it's not that it didn't mean anything.
- You don't have to say It meant too much.
Uh, how's the writing? Really good, yeah.
I actually, um, I just finished a book.
Life is Not a Love Song: Interviews With Musicians and Their Muses.
I think we should stay.
Really? Yes, I love it.
That's just a fancy kind of apology.
So that's what you have to say when you ditch someone at karaoke.
Pete, I am being one thousand percent honest.
Life is Not a Love Song, legitimately the best thing you've ever written.
Well, that could just mean that everything I've written before now is complete shit.
Just take the compliment, Pete.
It's really good.
- Thanks.
- SIMONE: G'day, mates.
ALL: Hey! Hi! (LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYS) She's obsessed! She wants to put me on Tinder.
- No! - Or Bumble, or Happn, or OkCupid.
- Bumble, is this a thing? - We'll talk about it.
I mean, it worked for your dad and Yvonne.
Two souls, true love.
- Oh, not the way to sell it.
- No.
I will do everything.
I will run the app on my phone and do the vetting and I just need Vincent to turn up on one date.
If I wasn't running my life on three hours sleep, that'd almost convince me to get back out there.
Yeah, not to put too fine a point on it, mate, but there's a pretty big difference between you and me.
Ah, yeah, I'm a single parent and a barely published writer.
You are a doctor.
- Mmm! A smart and handsome doctor, - Mmm.
Mmm.
who is in a vulnerable place.
Yep.
What have you got to lose? All right, all right, what about incredible upper body strength - Yep.
- Jack! - Lock that in.
- Jack! - Hey, mate! - Hey.
Lily, I'm so sorry, I got stuck at the restaurant.
- Oh, it's okay.
- Hi.
Happy to have the big boss back? Ah, I would say no.
- Ah, dear.
- Ooh.
- Pete, good to see you, mate.
- You too.
Welcome back.
Good to be back.
Drinks, yeah? Yeah, I'll get them.
Yeah, yeah.
I'll get it.
I'll get it.
I'll come with.
Actually, I should probably head off.
Oh, really? Why? Meredith's fired off an SOS, so - Oh, everything okay? - Yeah, all good.
You know my niece, it's just all about her.
Well, we should have dinner all together soon.
Yes, definitely.
Yeah.
Sounds good.
See you later.
Bye! He's tired with a new baby and the book and You have to remember also he is Pete, and he's Pete in all situations socially, which is unfortunate for him because Lil, he's not my number one fan.
I don't mind.
I mind.
I'm with you.
We're back.
He was a big part of my life.
I want you two to go on man dates.
Talk about ball things.
Braid each other's hair? I could buy him a friendship bracelet.
That would make me happy.
And it's not because you two What? Which What two? I just assumed you've known each other forever.
It makes sense, the awkwardness.
Once we, for, like not even as just a second You know what? I don't need to know.
No, we don't need to know.
We don't need to know each other's lists.
We agreed on that, didn't we? Yours is long, isn't it? I was an unplucked flower before I met you.
Oh, God.
It's a long list.
It's a really long.
(HEAVY PANTING) - Oh! - Oh, G! God! - Can you knock!? - I thought you were out! We are quite clearly in.
Yes, I can see.
What are you doing? Why are you still in here? 'Cause I need the scone cutter.
The good one.
It's in a box on the top shelf.
Right now? Yes, actually.
Scones.
Jack can tell you.
Quite time sensitive.
It's true.
Go away! Now! I'll find us a place tomorrow.
The Wrong Girl 2x01 Aug 31, 2017 Hey.
Hi.
I thought you were having a late one.
Missed the terror.
How is she? Oh, she's good.
She's fine.
Sleeping.
- I'm - Not sleeping.
(DOOR OPENS) - Hi, Mitchell.
- Sh Pete.
Great to see you.
- Yeah, you too.
Looking great.
- (WHISPERS) Thank you.
(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY) I went on a terrific bike ride the other day, down the Great Ocean Road.
You should come next time.
Oh, sounds horrible, but I'll meet you in Torquay for a beer.
Okay, that's enough.
Let's just go to bed.
Both of us or? Goodnight.
- Night, Mitchell.
- Yeah, goodnight.
Night, Pete.
Just a, ah, friendly catch up, you know? (WHISPERS) Are you okay with this? Yeah, of course.
I'm happy for you.
We're just sleeping.
Yeah, sure.
Just sleep quietly.
Yep, goodnight.
Look at you! Whoa! Someone's had their Weet-Bix.
Are they your proper pants? These are lucky pants.
Don't want you to get too excited but Sarah Bernardi scheduled a phoner.
Bernardi? As in, New York lit agent? Apparently she liked the book.
I called that.
- You mean she loved it.
- Well She was probably up all night, you know, looking at it.
She couldn't put it down.
She says she's gonna call first thing, so we'll see.
- (MOBILE PHONE RINGS) - Oh, my God.
That's her.
- It's her.
It's her.
B-b-b - Just just wait, wait, wait Pete Barnett.
- Pete, hi, it's Jack.
- Jack.
- Jack Winters.
- Jack.
- (PHONE RINGS) - Uh, yeah, hi.
Hey, any chance you're free tomorrow night? Lily and I are doing a welcome back dinner.
Nothing big.
Helloooo.
Bernard speaking.
Um, I I I've actually got my dad.
He's gotta do a doctor thing.
So Well, just bring him along afterwards.
You know, bring whoever you like.
Yeah, how are you, Sarah Bernardi? Yeah, yeah, yeah, that sounds good.
- I've gotta go.
All right.
Bye.
- Absolutely.
Nup.
Totally cool.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
- Was that her? - Yeah.
It's a no.
Sorry.
NIKKII: Most people see me as just a pretty face, but I'm actually a qualified and successful producer that spent the last 10 years honing my skills on live TV.
As The Breakfast Bar moves into a new era, I challenge you to find anyone more qualified - Morning.
- Hey, Lily.
Just, um, checking out some new talent.
Unfortunately, Jennifer and Miranda are no longer available.
It's a shame but, you know Eric, what are you watching? (LAUGHS) Come on.
You'll see it anyway.
As The Breakfast Bar moves into a new era, I challenge you to find anyone more qualified - to take the leap to on air talent.
- (LAUGHS) Wait.
(MIMICS AIR BUBBLING) Starts again.
Look.
Hello.
I'm Nikkii Steadman.
Current producer, future presenter on The Breakfast Bar.
Most people see me as just a pretty face, but I'm actually a qualified and successful producer that spent the last 10 years honing my skills on live TV.
As The Breakfast Bar moves into a new era, I challenge you to find anyone more qualified - to take the leap to on air talent - Dale.
Don't judge.
I'm only watching just 'cause - everyone else has already seen it.
- (WHISPERS) How did this get out? I'm gonna take a stab in the dark and say it's because she posted it online.
Hello.
- (CLEARS THROAT) - I'm Nikkii Oh, it's okay.
I found it strangely compelling as well.
We should have a meeting with her.
She took the time to film it.
No.
It's cruel to encourage an impossible dream, don't you think? Sh! Nikkii, hi.
Sasha's on her way.
- No, Sasha's here.
- I got the promo back! Sit, sit, sit! Where's Eric? Eric! ERIC: Comin' at ya! (CLICKS FINGER) Ready? VOICE-OVER: Don't get too comfortable, Eric.
Who said that In three days, the truth will be revealed.
Who is the new host of The Breakfast Bar? Seriously, who said that? See.
Look at that face.
He's funny.
Okay, I'm not staying.
I'm just reminding everyone that we are officially in free fall.
Erica's sacking has everyone panicking.
How many followers is she at now? Isn't this territory that's already been covered? 200,637.
Nope.
638.
ERIC: The hysterical feminist brigade.
We don't need those sorts of viewers anyway, do we, Lilly? The only good news is we're expecting a bump this week as everyone tunes in to find out who's replacing her.
Can I ask who is replacing Erica? It's someone pretty special.
Iggy Azalea.
Sandra Sully.
I met a waitress the other night.
Very talented, good-looking.
Negotiations are ongoing.
In the meantime, I want a run sheet of winners.
Pitch me.
(DRUMS ON TABLE) Pew! Pitches! Does smacking children make them smarter? - Does it? - It doesn't matter.
We get an expert on discipline, some concerned parents.
Bang, there's your story.
No longer reporting on the news.
We're now creating it.
Dale, your contribution? The world's first refugee orchestra.
(MIMICS SAD TROMBONE SOUND) - Nikkii? - Summer accessories in spring! - Ah.
- Lily? Women in crisis.
- Again? - (YAWNS) What about "Feminism ruined my life"? Or "The Kardashians, keeping up with them"? "Transgender trans fat.
Is there a connection?" "Child brides fight back.
" "Genius baby kills mother.
" Ohh.
"Life is Not a Love Song.
"Make-ups and break-ups.
"The truth behind the world's biggest love songs.
" First decent idea since you got back.
Whip it up.
And the killer baby one.
PETE: I mean, it's weird, right? Well, a bloke calls you up, offers to cook you dinner.
Yeah, that's weird.
So what do I How do we get out of it? Well, that's one of the perks of having a kid.
You can get out of anything.
Look at me.
Haven't been invited to anything for 10, 15 years.
Yeah, well, don't get too cocky.
He asked you to come too.
- What? - Yeah.
Okay, hang on.
Let's have another look at this.
Celebrity chef offers to cook you dinner for free - and your old man's invited.
- Get the ball, Dad.
Don't be a bloody wanker, mate.
We're definitely going.
(MOBILE PHONE RINGS) - Hello? - What are you doing? Uh, having dinner with you, apparently.
Oh, what about lunch? - I'm buying.
- Sure.
Yeah, no, that wasn't Jack.
That was me, trying to orchestrate bonding.
By the way, if he ever asks, if it ever just comes up whether we ever Whether we ever? - Whether we ever - Whether we ever.
I would so appreciate it if you could just not mention it because It'd be pretty weird if he did ask me, but sure, I can be party to your web of lies.
- He already thinks you don't like him.
- I don't like him.
- You don't know him! - He slept with half my friends.
Maybe if you had more friends He's always asking me, "How's the writing coming, mate?" So how is this gonna work, then? What, the three of us are never in the same room together? Not acceptable.
No.
No.
You're stuck with me.
You and I, we go too far back.
Hello.
Pete, is it? Uh, yeah.
I'm here for the inspection.
You're Dan's girlfriend, Lily.
- Also, just Lily.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Ah, come in.
(LOUD ROCK MUSIC) Do you smell that? Mm, might be the mildew.
It's a great location too.
It's, like, metres away from five different pubs.
Yeah.
Death rot.
I loved that place.
I miss that place.
I'm saying, all our history, I don't want that to be a wedge.
Yeah, nice sentiment, Lil, but you also didn't talk to me for the past few months so it kind of doesn't fly.
I know.
But I am going to make amends.
But first, little work side note, I think we could do something with your book on The Breakfast Bar.
- What are you doing? - I'm giving you 10 seconds and then we're never speaking about this again.
I imagine we'd use the book as a jumping off point, then broaden up, and involve some bigger names.
You could use it to approach publishers, like proof of concept, and then once the book is released, we could use the show to promote the book.
Mmm, mmm - And? - No.
But Sorry, Lil, the book means too much to me.
- And you don't want to reduce it - Sorry.
to breakfast TV fodder? I basically bled into the keyboard.
I get that.
But if I come up with a pitch that's classy and intelligent, - I think that - Then I'm still saying no.
I want you to know I had nothing to do with this.
What's going on? Okay, Eric has had some ideas.
Yes, Lily, um As the sole surviving host of The Breakfast Bar, I feel a tremendous responsibility to help get us back on track.
I brought him up to speed with your 'Life is Not a Love Song' idea.
I'm not sure that one's gonna make it through.
No, no, no, no, no.
I love it.
It's gold.
Solid gold.
I just think it needs a bit of, um (CLICKS FINGERS RAPIDLY) What what is that? Okay, so, what Eric is trying to say is that he feels that the segment needs to be a bit noisier, a bit more fun.
Fun? (STRUMS UKULELE) Lily.
Don't you think I should sing in the segment? (LAUGHS) It would be the best, don't you see? It'd be the best, it'd be the best, B-E-S and T.
Hey! There's no way.
All right, hang on a minute.
What about this? (STRUMS) Tell you, Lily, what I want to do I've always loved this song Make some great TV with you Stay with me.
Stay with me.
Lily, Lily, you're so fine You are so fine! Maybe we could go prime time? (LAUGHS) Prime time! Absolutely no way you are singing.
But Jeremy's already approved it.
I don't care.
I'm unapproving it.
Can she even do that? Sasha.
I'm not sure this whole two producer thing is gonna work out.
I thought it was working well.
I'm not your marriage counsellor.
Sort it out.
We have bigger fish.
- Why? What's happened? - We lost the co-host.
Negotiations fell apart.
The backlash to Erica's axing.
They're convinced taking the job would be career suicide.
Do you want me to come up with a list of names or? Just keep doing your job.
This is bad timing, obviously, no biggie, but I'm gonna have to scrap the Life is Not a Love Song segment.
No, no.
Eric really connected with that.
Eric is not supposed to be at pitch meetings for exactly this reason.
I'll produce anything else.
I'll do the killer babies.
I'll do whatever you want.
What's the issue? - It's Pete's idea.
- Pete.
Have I met Pete? Mate of mine.
We take stories from family and friends all the time.
He's written an actual book about this, though, so it's a different situation.
Have you lifted content, paragraphs, interviews? No, but it is his Then it's fine.
I like the romance of it.
Lily, Sasha and I are in the middle of an actual crisis at the moment, so you need to put on your big girl producer pants and sort this one out for yourself.
All right? (LOUD SCRAPING AND THUMPING) I quite like what she's done with the place.
Yeah, I caught her crying, pretended it was dust.
Well, she does this every time there's an emotional trauma.
Dad's getting married.
Let's rearrange the furniture.
Yeah, but even if it does come from a place of grief and heartache, I think it looks quite good.
(LOUD SCRAPING, CRASH) Mum! Stop! You're gonna hurt yourself! I'll get it.
Mimi Lil, you Sit down.
You've gotta h you gotta help me with this date.
Why? What's happened? I want you to think excitement.
I'm not excited.
Excitement.
Excitement.
Her name is Jana.
She's into, um, like, travel and adventure.
She's a push bike mechanic who dreams of hiking the Inca Trail one day.
It's just a date.
What's the worst that can happen? She rejects you.
And then you end up so emotionally scarred that you spend the rest of your life alone.
It's a little dramatic, but yeah, that's the gist.
No, I totally appreciate you reading it and, I mean, look, if you had any thoughts Yeah, no, of course, of course.
Okay.
Well, um, thanks for your time.
Okay, bye.
Bloodbath, isn't it? No, no, it is what it is.
Don't think you're a tad overdressed, Dad? He's just a chef.
(RINGS DOORBELL) These are my lucky pants.
At least my fly is done up.
- (CHUCKLES) - (ZIPPER ZIPS) Hello, pickle (GASPS) Where's that gorgeous little girl of yours? Oh, sorry, Mim, she's with her mum tonight.
But I brought you a replacement.
He's not as cute but he's twice as grisly.
G'day, Mims.
Do you mind if I call you Mims? Uh yeah, you just did.
(LAUGHS) - There you go.
- Thank you.
Jeez, you're good-looking.
You've met him before, Dad.
Oh.
Oh, Mims, I hope you don't mind but on the way in I noticed your drainpipes need a bit of attention.
- Oh - Just need a bit of a weed.
Oh.
Is this a sex thing? Simone! No, I'm getting a definite sex vibe.
Oh, Christ, you have, haven't you? No, no, we haven't.
H-have we? I'm pretty sure you'd remember.
No, that's not about you.
Dad's got He forgets stuff.
He's got a brain injury.
Sorry, a brain injury? Oh, yeah, I just copped a few knocks to the head playing footy a few years back.
- Nothing major.
- Oh, it's pretty major, Dad.
They think you he has CTE.
What does that mean? - Chronic traumatic encephalopathy.
- BOTH: It's a degenerative brain condition.
Yep.
I mean, that's never been your best feature anyway, has it? (LAUGHS) Settle down.
Well, you're not actually losing it.
Ivan, we did kiss at Pete's 21st, out by the wheelie bins at the back of the surf club.
- Yeah, I called that.
- Oh! (LAUGHS) No, hang on, hang on.
I thought you were still with Dad at Pete's 21st? It's interesting because it must be something genetically attractive, like in your DNA.
Shit! I'm so sorry! That's all right.
I've got it.
It's Sorry.
I'll grab a Yeah, can I help? My lucky pants.
- Thank you.
- Pass that.
Graceful.
That was smooth.
- You've got a real poker face.
- Shhh! Just a heads up, if you're gonna lie, you generally need to prep everyone involved in the lie.
Hey, I need to talk to you.
About the love song segment.
You are just like a terrier with a bone, aren't you? No, but Greyhound, fixated on a mechanical bunny.
The thing is, I've messed up.
I pitched it accidentally.
I already pitched it.
Right.
Well, you're gonna have to un-pitch it.
I'm not sure I can.
I've tried.
Not sure I can.
And if the toast was cold brrr! Not having it.
No, he's not gonna have it.
So, Pete, how's the writing coming along, mate? Mm.
Good.
So good.
In fact, ah, Lily, do you want to tell them? All right.
I admit it.
I overstepped the mark.
- I said I'm sorry.
- Overstepped? - Is that what we're gonna call it? - You guys fighting? - Yep.
- No.
Feels like a fight? What's going on? Nothing.
Nothing unusual.
Just massive opportunity's landed in Pete's lap and he's determined to sabotage it - Sorry, you're doing me a favour - before he even considers it.
because I'm the loser that needs saving.
No, not a loser.
No.
Just scared of your own potential success.
Okay.
Let's put it a vote, shall we? Say you gave your friend a manuscript you spent the last six months working on, only to discover she'd pitched it as a segment without your permission.
Would you feel: A, grateful, or B, deeply betrayed by said friend? Might I trouble you for another beer, please? (CLEARS THROAT) Um, yeah.
Maybe some more wine.
Thanks.
You're acting like I did it deliberately.
It's a pretty big accident, if I'm honest.
Yeah, but what were you trying to do, Lil? I'm sure you have a good reason.
I thought nationwide exposure.
On The Breakfast Bar? Well, it's not exactly Pete's audience.
Hey, you can't ask me to make the guy a mate and then get upset when I take his side.
Clearly I can.
It's called partner loyalty.
Also pretty clear you're in the wrong.
I'd just apologise to Pete.
Here, I want to show you something.
What do you think? I think you're less sexy when you're like this.
About the house.
What do you think of the house? What, architecturally? I want us to make an offer.
Uh, not working for six months put a dent in my Dollarmite account, so We can afford it.
Look, I don't want us to move back to the apartment.
I want us to have a proper home that's ours.
Three bedrooms.
Looks pretty proper.
Will you think about it? Yeah.
I could have told you there's no way you were ever going to do it.
I know.
And apart from it being breakfast TV, for the last six months, I feel like I had the baby but you've had postnatal depression.
W we were going through a break-up.
Yeah, but we're okay now.
And we have to be okay, right? I'm I'm happy for you and Mitchell.
I don't know what that is yet, but that's my point.
You weren't happy for Jack and Lily.
You were heartsick.
You poured it all into your book and, yeah, you made something beautiful out of it, and and if you are in love with her I'm not.
if you are, it's just gonna make you a crappy friend because it's just not gonna be enough for you.
If you want her in your life, Pete, you have to decide to get over her.
(SKYPE RINGTONE) I owe you a face-to-face apology, and at 2am in the morning, this was the best I could think of.
(SKYPE RINGTONE) Okay.
Okay.
I've got to do this fast and this time I've chosen a filter that conveys the level of regret I feel at ever having (PHONE RINGS) 10 seconds is not adequate time for the level of apology I need.
Well, still, it's the second time you've had to apologise this week, so you get points for turnaround time.
You've got Jack to thank for that.
I shouldn't have said I don't like him.
Poor guy.
I've lived with you, I know how hard it is.
Well, ironically, you're not the loser in this friendship anymore.
Still have some loser cred, don't I? Got a manuscript that's not exactly inspiring a bidding war.
In six months, I didn't develop one single doco idea anyone was interested in.
But you do have a celebrity boyfriend.
- This is true.
- So He has hundreds of thousands of followers.
It's a pretty big deal.
10 years ago, did you think life would be like this? No.
Then again, 10 years ago I was planning a career as a professional beer pong player, so (LAUGHS) Tell me, what's the worst that could happen? I thought I was pretty good.
Riddle me this.
Have you ever heard of the creature called the liger? (LAUGHS) You and me will be living really wild and free The world will see I'm becoming who I'm meant to be Yeah, the thing is, I never had the right to pitch it.
I was trying to get back in the game and keep up with you, because quite frankly I can be intimidating.
I finish people's sentences.
Sorry.
I'm working on it.
Yes.
You and I shouldn't be competing.
We should have each other's backs.
We could be friends, even.
Oh.
Well Some friends and I have a private room at the casino on Tuesday night if you're interested.
Maybe.
The thing is Pete, who wrote the book, that I Plagiarised.
Sorry, I did it again.
But you did.
He's one of my best friends, and I take that so seriously.
Anyway, I also know that you have been under a lot of stress about the new co-host situation, and it just struck me, does it really matter? Whoever it is is gonna be crucified for replacing Erica anyway.
I say we ride out the backlash, soak up all the hate, all the vitriol, we think about who we really want to replace Erica, and in the meantime, we make the best show possible because that's what we do.
Leave it with me.
Okay? SIMONE: Now, I'm gonna be at the counter primarily to make sure that you don't fail, and if you need me to rescue you, just, um just whistle like (DEAFENING WHISTLE) I'm not gonna whistle.
Well, then, you're not gonna get rescued.
If you want me to go, we'll need another sign.
Just, like, a yawn, but make it big.
(YAWNS LOUDLY) I'm not gonna do that either, Sim.
I don't want to be here.
It's breakfast.
It's casual.
And you look beautiful.
And here she is.
- Good luck.
- Thanks.
Vincent? Hi, Jana.
It's so nice to finally meet you.
- Yeah, how are you? - Good.
Have a seat.
I thought they were sparking.
There was banter and hair flicking.
What happened? So is there anything you want to ask me, about the chair or? Well, have you ever thought about, like, alternative therapies? I'm joking.
But seriously, I read an article about a guy who ate shark fin every day for two years, and after that he walked again.
That didn't happen.
Anyway, he got out of there really fast and now I don't know where he's gone.
Well, that No.
That's not your fault.
People! People, can I get your attention, please? Actually, Sim, can you maybe call Dad? - Okay.
All right.
- Okay, bye.
A few changes to this weekend's show.
Firstly, Lils and I have decided to drop the love song segment.
Secondly, it is my great pleasure to introduce our new co-host.
Please put your hands together and welcome the newest addition to The Breakfast Bar couch, Nikkii Steadman! Yes, it's me! It's me! (CLAPS) I am the new co-host of The Breakfast Bar.
(SHRIEKS EXCITEDLY) Oh my God.
Sasha No, I've been holding this for nine hours.
I'm sorry but you cannot think Nikkii is a good idea.
- I'm told it was your idea.
- How? The hate sponge.
Sacrifice an interim host who can absorb all the vitriol until we're ready to wheel out the real deal.
Hate sponge! Not un-brilliant.
You don't like it? What happened to us being friends? Sasha? Lily, this is the only me time I'm getting today.
Even if you think what you're doing is right, which you can't possibly, there is no way Eric will share a couch with her.
Honestly, he took the news better than expected.
(LAUGHS) I'd like to remind you that you're still under contract for another 18 months.
(LAUGHS) We are better than this.
Yes, we're a show that do a lot on summer accessories, and yes, last week we knifed a well-respected journalist just for a ratings spike, - but we pride ourselves on integrity.
- (TOILET FLUSHES) We do not throw each other under the bus.
You know what, Lily? You're right.
I am? Once again, you're the one who's right.
We should be unwavering in the face of audience testing and Q scores to create truly moralistic television that reflects our own core values.
Yes.
Even if it means every single person on this show loses their job.
Nikkii's hosting tomorrow morning.
Find a way to get on-board.
I don't know if the one strap is too O-M-G! Here she is.
My producer! It's like an ultimate makeover.
Last week I was coming to work in trainers, and this week I'm the host of my very own breakfast show.
- (SQUEALS) - I know.
It's unbelievable.
Can we? - No, Nikkii - Just one.
(LAUGHS DELIRIOUSLY) - Shh! Nik! - What? What? (WHISPERS) You sure? You sure you want to do this? You don't think I can? I I don't think you should do it.
It's not that I don't think you have the talent.
It's just, like, I think it's a big Lily! I auditioned wearing a bikini.
I expected them to laugh.
But I have wanted this my whole life.
Okay.
Okay, then we go to work.
I hope no one has any plans tonight.
(LAUGHS) I don't.
Oh, my girlfriend and I broke up.
Oh no, it's whatever.
It's whatever.
You've gotta do what you've gotta do, you know? What she's gotta do is sleep with every single girl in Northcote, and I'm having these really intense Jimmy Giggle dreams.
It's like Okay, that's a lot.
And we're gonna talk about that properly later on, but I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
What do we need? Complex carbohydrates, caffeine Yep.
- and Eric.
- Eric.
Yeah, I'm on it.
I'll take the brain.
Politics, current affairs.
You're my clay to mould.
Ooh, exciting! Indeed.
Thanks, Lily.
Let's do this! Nikkii.
I can't! I haven't eaten breakfast since I was 13 years old.
You are not going on air - until you eat something.
- Fine.
Minister for Health's just gone to make-up.
Politics? Who even cares? Keep practising with Eric.
(PHONE RINGS) - Erica.
- Lily, what is going on? I'm having a mental breakdown here.
I should have called.
Sorry.
I've been patient and I know you are about to go to air and I've heard nothing about my replacement.
I I know.
I know.
I know there's been a few last-minute changes.
Right.
Well? You're not gonna like it.
It's Jennifer Hawkins, isn't it? No.
Leigh Sales? It's Nikkii.
Nikkii? Nikkii who? Nikkii Steadman.
How's my hate sponge? MAN: All right, 10 seconds.
- Nine, eight, seven - Okay.
- Steady, steady, Nikkii Steadman.
- six, five It's just like diving off a cliff.
You'll be fine.
Welcome to The Breakfast Bar.
I'm Eric Albrechtsen.
And this morning, well, we've kept you guessing, Australia.
We've kept you in the dark, and now it's time to turn on that light.
Please welcome to the show, the beautiful Nikkii Steadman! Good evening, Eric.
Oh! Morning! No.
Time flies.
Welcome, and boy do we have a show for you today.
Poet, Amos P Brown and we take a look at new pool filtration systems.
If that doesn't float your boat, maybe this will.
Okay, folks, we are back in 90 seconds.
Where is she? Off like a rocket that way.
Nikkii.
I said good evening.
Yeah, only the 6am viewers saw that, and this next segment you know inside out.
Minister for Health.
Yeah, paid parental leave, opinion polls, all on autocue.
I don't think I can do this.
I feel sick.
Nikkii, is that your phone in your hand? - You don't know what they're saying! - Give me your phone, Nikkii.
"Nikkii Steadman is so stupid, she makes a black hole look bright.
" Nikkii.
"A paddling pool has more depth than this chick.
" And what about this guy? "She's not even that hot"! Nikkii, you know more than anyone, a new host is open slather.
You've got this! Problem.
There's a story in the rolling news.
MP caught using taxpayer dollars.
Helicopter, family wedding.
Oh, no, we're not doing news.
I promised Nikkii.
Don't think we've got a choice.
He's mates with the minister.
- Sasha - He's on the couch.
It's a gift.
Bambi in headlights.
30 seconds.
Fine, we Leave her on, but it is not going to be a car crash.
Okay, hi, guys.
I've got a few changes to the next segment.
It's a developing story.
Lily, you promised.
Paid parental leave, opinion polls, nothing else.
Nikkii, I will feed you the questions, okay? Just listen to me.
And we're back in five, four, three, two Welcome back, folks.
Joining us on the couch today is Mr Ben Mullins.
Ben, of course, is the Minister for Health, here to answer questions for "This Week in Politics".
- Good morning, Ben.
- Good morning, Eric.
We've had some pretty disturbing news in this morning, Minister, with some serious allegations levelled against one of your All right, Nikkii, I want you to ask, "Were you personally aware of the misuse of funds?" Nikkii, just ask the question.
Nikkii, you're fine.
Just, were you pers - (VOMITS) - (ALL SCREAM) Oh, God! Oh, my! She just threw up on the Health Minister! Nikkii, Nikkii, it's okay.
It's okay.
Nikkii, Nikkii.
It's okay.
Ask the question.
The question that I wanted to ask is, were you personally aware of the misuse of funds? (LAUGHS) Politics.
Can make you feel sick to the stomach.
(LAUGHS, COUGHS) Were you aware That his closest friend in parliament chartered a helicopter to attend his niece's wedding? A helicopter to attend his niece's wedding? Have you ever misused party funds? Well, perhaps unknowingly.
Unknowingly.
Misused is a very strong term.
What word would you use, Minister? I'm sorry if that upset you, but you are the Minister for Health.
Do you feel uncomfortable being around sick people? Oh, snap! Oh! Uh! When I made that audition tape, I thought maybe, maybe, Sasha might hire me as, like, an entertainment reporter or something, and now here I am, co-host, a political report You're not a political reporter, Nikkii.
Nikkii, Nikkii! Eric's agent wants to know if you've got representation.
- (SQUEAKS) - Just be careful Hello? Hey.
- Romeo.
- Mmm.
No Juliet.
You okay? Uh, I may have overreacted slightly, but she had a wet dog smell, so That's a bit superficial.
Well, it's true.
- Hi.
Jeremy.
- Hi.
Vincent.
Oh, guys, this is Jeremy.
- This is Simone and Pete.
- Pete.
Pete.
And you guys know Alice.
She's going through a break-up.
So we are getting her drunk.
You know what? You'll need some shots.
I'll get 'em.
Just don't let her get her mitts on your phone.
She's swipe right happy.
Oh, her mitts.
You sounded pretty old there.
(LAUGHS) You're sounding like an old person.
Pete Pete? Pete Barnett? - Life is Not a Love Song Pete? - Yep.
- I'm a big fan.
- Oh.
I've read it.
I loved it.
I was up all last night.
I was mesmerised.
Thanks.
That's, um You know, I am so glad Lily didn't burn an idea like that on a segment.
It was a close save.
Have you thought about developing stuff for TV? Oh, I No, breakfast TV is not really Pete's thing.
Oh, forget breakfast.
No, I'm thinking Jon Ronson meets Scorsese doing the Stones.
Classy, intelligent.
I like this guy.
- We should have a meeting.
- (TEXT MESSAGE ALERT) - Sure.
- Yep, okay.
I'm gonna have to leave you two love birds to it.
- Jack? - Yeah.
Say hi from me.
Thanks.
You.
Ah! You have five different colour tones in your beard.
Yeah, you've mentioned that once before.
- Nikkii.
- Yeah, Pete.
So, the kitchen gets a lotta light.
- You don't like it? - No.
It's impossible not to like it.
It's just It's so grown up.
The the kitchen's got all those, um, shiny knob thingies - and it's got vents.
- Yeah, it's got an oven and everything, you know.
The bathroom needs a bit of work, but look, I thought I thought this could be a home office.
In case you want to work on your own projects, you know, would that be good for this? Yeah, no, this would be perfect for that.
Really, Lil, be honest with me.
Like, I don't want to push you into anything.
No.
I love it.
I hate it.
I don't know what I was thinking.
It'll grow on you.
Like mould.
Can't believe you brought references.
(BUMPING AND SCRAPING ON THE ROOF) What was that? Uh, it's a possum.
Or maybe it's a ghost.
Or maybe it's a ghost possum.
(LAUGHS) What? To jumping off cliffs.
I will always call you home.
The relationship warning signs you shouldn't ignore.
The six signs he's going to propose.
Number One: He says, "We're a team.
" - We're a team.
- Number Two: He increases his touch.
Three: You met family.
Four: He gets in your jewellery box.
- Five: You guys buy a house together.
- We're buying a house.
And Six: Secret meetings with your dad.
- What are you doing at the house? - Jack asked me.
I wanna talk to you about something something big, actually.