This Fool (2022) s02e02 Episode Script
Clyde & Clyde, Pt. 1
1
LUIS: Dawg, you better not
fuck this interview up, alright?
Tell me what you're gonna say.
Fine. How about, "Hi, my name's
Julio and I've lost the will to live,
but also can I get a job?"
[MOCKINGLY] Oh, I'm all fuckin' sad.
Shut up.
Hey, but for real, I talked
you up earlier, alright?
So just as long as you don't
tell John that you think
Roger Moore is the best James
Bond, you should be good.
Man, fuck James Bond. I'm
on that John Wick shit.
Dawg, do not bring up
John Wick to that fool.
I'm serious.
JULIO: Alright.
LUIS: Hey, OG.
This is my cousin I
was telling you about.
Hey, what the fuck is all this?
The landlord sold the
building to developers
and ended my lease.
The best suit store in
LA is gonna be turned into
luxury condominiums owned
by Chinese billionaires.
Damn.
Hey, uh,
I'm sorry, John.
JOHN: Oh, don't worry
about me, young blood.
Everything happens for a reason,
especially in this city.
Ohh, LA can be a cruel mistress.
One day, she's giving you fellatio
in a bathroom stall at Dodger Stadium.
The next, she's stealing your
wallet on Hollywood Boulevard.
But I wouldn't trade
living in this great city
for nothing in the world.
[SIGHS]
So, what are you gonna do now, OG?
Get the hell outta this rotten town.
I can't afford to live
in this trash heap.
I'm going to where the grass is greener
and the rent is cheaper.
Detroit.
Goodbye, Luis.
And good luck to both of y'all.
♪
♪
Fuck.
I'm unemployed.
I'm a fuckin' bum like you are.
Don't worry about it, playboy.
We'll find jobs tomorrow.
Today, we ain't got no jobs,
we ain't got shit to do.
Let's go get fucked up.
Alright then, fuck it.
Damn.
- JULIO: It's alright.
- [LUIS GRUNTS]
Hey, fool, we gotta pick
up my lady real quick.
Damn, dawg. It's been three
weeks and you're already sprung.
Yeah. You know what?
You're a bitter-ass hater.
Nah, you're just being
that annoying fool
that invites his lady to
kick it with the homeys.
Oh, I'm sorry, did you want a
little more one-on-one time with me?
I get it, fool, you want
me all to yourself, huh?
Well, then give me some casco.
Come on, real quick.
Get off of me, dumbass.
Hurry up. Let's go.
I Love L.A. by Randy Newman playing ♪
Rollin' down the Imperial Highway ♪
With a big nasty redhead at my side ♪
Santa Ana winds blowing
hot from the north ♪
And we was born to ride ♪
♪
Roll down the window,
put down the top ♪
Crank up the Beach Boys, baby ♪
Don't let the music stop ♪
We're gonna ride it ♪
Till we just can't ride it no more ♪
♪
From the South Bay to the Valley ♪
From the West Side to the East Side ♪
Everybody's very happy ♪
'Cause the sun is
shining all the time ♪
Looks like another perfect day ♪
♪
I love LA ♪
♪
We love it ♪
♪
I love LA ♪
♪
We love it ♪
[ALARM RINGING]
We love it ♪
- Oh, let's get the fuck outta here!
- [RINGING CONTINUES]
♪
Shit.
[RINGING CONTINUES]
♪
Get the fuck outta my way, bitch!
[SIREN WAILING]
- Erika!
- [TIRES SCREECHING]
Erika!
[WAILING CONTINUES]
[SIGHS] Fuck.
♪
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
♪
[KEYS BEEPING]
[CASH REGISTER DINGS]
Hey, Muhammad.
Why you got a liquor
store if you can't drink?
My name is not Muhammad.
- Man, shut yo ass up, Muhammad.
- [BOTH LAUGH]
I hate this fuckin' city.
Ooh, I know what I want.
- You fuck with sour cream and onions?
- RUBY: Yeah.
Damn, your breath's gonna be all nasty.
- You like it, though.
- Yeah, I do.
You two disgust me.
RUBY: Oh, shut up, Julio.
You look like you
like oven-baked chips.
Luis, you're gonna let your
lady talk to me like that?
Hey, my lady can speak for herself.
Yeah, that's right. But
also I am not his lady.
- What do you mean you're not my lady?
- What do you mean what do I mean?
We've only been kicking
it for like three weeks.
LUIS: Yeah, but I mean, we're
like exclusive and shit, right?
Like you're not gonna go to Norway
and smash on some big-ass Viking fool?
- Are you?
- RUBY: I don't know, am I?
[WEDDING BELLS RINGING OMINOUSLY]
JULIO: What the fuck?
♪
MASKED MAN [MUFFLED]:
Everyone on the fucking ground.
JULIO: She got married
to Julio Teambién?
- MASKED MAN: Hey.
- JULIO: Huh?
- [JULIO GRUNTS]
- I said get the fuck on the ground.
- You fuckin' deaf?
- [COUGHING]
Hey, homey, you better
ask fucking nicely.
Luis, get the fuck down.
Alright, I'll get down but
only outta respect for my lady.
I am not your lady.
- Ruby, goddamn.
- Hey, both of you shut the fuck up.
You, Muhammad, where
the fuck's the piece at?
- Where's the pistol?
- FARHAD: My name is not Muhammad.
- [GUN COCKS]
- No pistol.
Back up!
♪
Lie to me again,
and I'll blow you fuckin'
away with your own pistol.
Get the fuck back here
and get on the ground.
[SIRENS WAILING]
[TIRES SCREECH]
♪
Fuck.
Hey, you. Danny
Trejo-lookin' fool, get up.
- JULIO: Huh?
- SONNY: Come on.
- What?
- Come on, get up.
Oh, no. Okay, okay, okay. Okay.
[GRUNTS] Fuck!
Hey!
I got hostages.
Anybody tries to come in, I start
killing motherfuckers, you hear me?
- I got a shot.
- [GUN CLICKS]
Fuck. Fuckin' safety.
SERGEANT: What the hell are you doing?
Put your fuckin' gun down, Rookie.
We gotta call for backup.
We hear you loud and clear.
No one's coming in there. Okay?
- Just don't hurt anybody.
- Don't kill me.
Come on, let's go.
♪
Ah, fuck.
Oh, fuck!
[PANTING]
Are you fucking filming me?
This isn't TikTok. Give
me your fuckin' phone.
Why? The cops are already here.
Shut up.
KIANA: Damn, you all dramatic and shit.
You like a amateur, huh?
Do I look like a fucking amateur to you?
Kinda.
How much you wanna bet I'ma escape?
Uh
SONNY: [GROANS] Whatever.
Everybody give me your fuckin' phones.
I'ma die a fuckin' hostage.
SONNY: Dude, shut the fuck up.
Nothing's gonna happen as long as
you motherfuckers don't try anything.
LUIS: Hey. Don't worry.
I can be your hero, baby.
RUBY [WHISPERING]: I don't
need you to be my hero.
Just don't get us killed.
LUIS: I appreciate what you're saying,
but it's kinda hard to tell
a hero not to be a hero.
Get off me.
AUTOMATED VOICE [OVER PHONE]:
please record your message.
- [LINE BEEPS]
- Erika. Baby, where are you?
Shit got fucked up but, uh,
I'm at a liquor store right now
and I got some hostages,
but I'm gonna get outta here
and, uh, I'll meet
you at the spot, okay?
Uh, just, you know, call me back.
And the amo.
KIANA: Uh, who's Erika?
She's my fuckin' Bonnie
and I'm her Clyde.
This bank was supposed
to be our last lick
and we were gonna head out to Costa Rica
but shit got fucked up and I
gotta get the fuck outta here.
Hey. Muhammad, any other exits?
No.
Isn't that a fucking code violation?
Isn't bank robbery a crime?
Oh, you got jokes, huh?
Stop. Just turn yourself in
now before it gets too crazy.
Right? It's just armed robbery.
Even if you get like ten years,
you'll probably get out
in five for good behavior.
And you seem like a well-behaved homey.
I am not going back to fucking prison.
I am going to Costa Rica!
Uh, but you don't got a plan.
I got a plan.
You don't look like you got a plan.
Well, eh Fine.
Everybody get up.
Get up!
♪
Alright.
Here's my plan.
♪
We're gonna rush those fuckin' pigs.
JULIO: Huh?
SONNY: Yeah, I'm gonna
countdown from five,
and we're gonna go out there
and we're gonna fuckin' rush 'em.
What the fuck? That's the LAPD, homey.
Those fools are gonna
just start blasting.
There's only two of those
juras out there, man.
They can't fuckin' kill us all.
[SIRENS WAILING]
[TIRES SCREECH]
Fuck!
Alright, uh
Look, the longer we wait, the
more cops are gonna show up.
So, everybody get in line
and let's-let's do this.
Come on, let's go.
You up front, let's go.
- Alright.
- SONNY: Come on!
Vámonos pues.
Come on.
Okay, alright. Okay.
♪
Alright. Okay, here we go.
Ready?
Five,
four,
- three
- [PLANE ENGINE ROARING]
two.
- one
- Ask for a plane.
The fuck did you just say?
Ask for a plane.
You have hostages.
You've got the power here.
Let's get the fuck outta this city.
Fuck LA, dawg.
We can all go to Costa Rica together.
Hey, this is how you get back to Erika.
[SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE]
♪
I'm telling you, ask for a plane.
♪
You're right. You're right.
- We're gonna get a fucking plane, huh?
- JULIO: Right.
- Yeah. Yeah!
- I'm gonna get a fuckin' plane.
- Let's get a fuckin' plane.
- Let's get a fuckin' plane.
SONNY: Hey, shut the
fuck up. Be right back.
- [DOOR CHIMES]
- [INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER]
[WHISPERING] What the fuck?
♪
Please help me. He's gonna
fuckin' kill me, he's crazy.
But you fools know what?
He can probably be reasoned with.
SONNY: Alright, listen up.
I want a plane to take
me wherever I wanna go.
Should we ask for anything else?
Maybe a pizza.
We're gonna get hungry.
You're smart as fuck, dawg.
Hey. And a pizza.
I want a pizza and a plane.
SERGEANT: Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Look, we wanna give you
everything you want, okay?
But we're just lowly policemen.
And this situation is
way above our pay grade.
What you need is a negotiator.
♪
Well, okay then give
me a fuckin' negotiator.
SERGEANT: Okay. But you gotta
do something for us first.
How about, uh,
how about you give us a hostage?
Isn't this negotiating?
Well, how would I know that?
I'm not a negotiator.
Oh, fuck.
I'm mad because I got this
pepper spray app on my phone
but he got the phone,
so we can't even use it.
- FARHAD: We need to distract him
- What's good with your boy?
RUBY: Luis, what the fuck are you doing?
Getting warmed up.
When they come back in,
I'll tackle that fool
and you guys walk outta here, alright?
Then I'll beat his ass
and walk outta here myself.
Done. Easy.
- You're welcome.
- [KIANA LAUGHS]
Yo, my baby brother's
bigger than you and he's 13.
So, what the fuck you trying to say?
Luis, it's just that he-he
just looks really muscular.
- Right?
- So the fuck what?
Muscles ain't shit when
you got what I have.
And that's density.
[KIANA LAUGHS]
What the fuck are you talking about?
Look, I'm low to the ground already,
so I get good balance
and I'm dense as fuck,
like a bowling ball.
Try to move me.
Bowling balls are easy to move.
That's what they do.
Alright, a fuckin' boulder then.
Go ahead, try it!
[LUIS GRUNTS]
Yo, what the fuck? I wasn't ready!
The women are right.
- You are weak and you're short.
- Luis, listen, listen.
We need to think of a better plan
than you just trying
to beat him up, okay?
So, you don't think
I could take him, huh?
Honestly? No.
Wow.
SERGEANT: Okay then, it's settled.
We'll get you that negotiator
soon as you give us a hostage.
Alright, it's a deal.
But then I wanna start talking
about my plane and my pizza.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anything you want.
I mean, we're on your side.
Alright. Let's go, come on.
♪
Wow.
This guy's a fuckin' idiot.
He might actually give us a hostage.
Hey, Sarge.
I think if I hide over
there next time he comes out,
I can get a clean shot.
SERGEANT: Oh, yeah?
Can I give you some advice, Rook?
Yeah.
Don't be a hero.
That's how people get killed.
With all due respect, Sarge,
I didn't join the force just
to stand around and do nothing.
[SIGHS]
- You wanna do something?
- Yeah.
SERGEANT: Alright, here.
Why don't you put up some yellow tape?
The citizens of Los Angeles paid a
lot of money for that yellow tape.
Good money.
It's our duty to put it up.
Go serve and protect, young man.
[PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYS]
[SCOFFS]
Alright, one of you lucky
motherfuckers is gonna get to leave.
So, who's it gonna be?
Icka, bicka, soda, cra
- Hey, where's the little homey?
- LUIS: I'm not that little, homey.
- [GASPS]
- Oh, shit.
Bye, bitch. [LAUGHS]
I told y'all I was gonna escape.
Whoo!
[SCREAMS] I'm a hostage,
don't fuckin' shoot.
[LUIS AND SONNY GRUNTING]
[COCKS GUN]
[NERVOUSLY] Hey, hey, hey, big dawg.
Take a joke, alright?
I was just testing
your center of gravity,
and you're dense as fuck.
You should be proud.
You're a fuckin' dead man.
No, no, no, no!
Don't shoot him, don't shoot him.
We have to give up a hostage anyway.
And this fuckin' idiot's my cousin.
Your cousin?
Hey, whose side are you on, man?
- You motherfuckers plan this shit?
- No, no, no. I'm on your side.
Look, playboy.
LUIS: [GRUNTS] Oh, fuck!
You fuckin' bitch.
We need these hostages alive.
You're crazy as fuck, huh?
I like it.
Alright.
- Tie this little motherfucker up then.
- Come on, get your ass up.
Get your ass up.
♪
[WHISPERING] I don't know what
your plan is, but I don't like it.
Hey, I just saved your dumb ass.
You coulda got everyone killed.
Yeah, but you didn't
have to fuckin' sock me.
[WHISPERING] Hey, qué te dije?
I told you not to do that shit.
That's what you get.
Oh, so I personally free a hostage
and now I'm getting punished for it?
This isn't how heroes should be treated.
SONNY: Oh, shit.
Erika.
- NEWSCASTER 1 [ON TV]: eastbound 10
- It's Erika.
NEWSCASTER 1: where
inside this white SUV
are a man and a woman
who just this morning robbed
a bank in downtown Los Angeles.
NEWSCASTER 2 [ON TV]: The
Internet is abuzz with this couple
whom everyone is now referring
to as Bonnie and Clyde.
What the fuck?
They're not Bonnie and
Clyde. I'm fucking Clyde.
Hey. I thought it was just you
and Erika. Who's that other fool?
SONNY: It's me, Erika,
and my road dog, Ernie.
He's our getaway driver.
You know, he's he's our third wheel.
We're like a fuckin' tricycle.
I-I gotta call Erika and figure
out what the fuck is going on, man.
How'd you guys get separated anyways?
It was an accident.
We came outta the bank at the same
time and Erika got in the car first
and then fuckin' Ernie peeled out
before I got a chance to get in.
He got like spooked or something.
Why, were the cops shooting at you?
No, no, they hadn't shown up yet.
- [LINE RINGING]
- Just, you know, Ernie's
♪
I don't know.
AUTOMATED VOICE [OVER PHONE]:
Your call has been forwarded
- Huh.
- Rang twice and went to voicemail.
AUTOMATED VOICE: at the tone.
RUBY: Hmm.
♪
And what's this "hmm" about?
I don't know, it just seems
like she sent you to voice mail.
Or maybe her fuckin' phone's dead.
If her phone was dead, it would've
gone straight to voicemail,
but it rang twice.
So
Ah, shit.
You trusted your woman with another man?
Fuckin' of course I trust Ernie.
They're just friends.
Matter of fact, they
hang out all the time.
Sometimes I don't even have to
be around for them to hang out.
They're just friends.
You, my friend, are a cuckold.
LUIS: Yeah, dawg.
I hate to be a bad news bear,
but they're probably smashing right now.
They're fucking driving.
RUBY: So? You ever heard of road head?
♪
[EXHALES]
♪
I was right there.
He just had to wait an extra
second to let me in, but
they fuckin' left me.
[SIREN WAILING]
What the fuck am I gonna do now?
Kill yourself, you coward.
Nah, nah, nah, dawg.
Just turn yourself in, alright?
I served my time, got out,
got my fucking life together.
[SCOFFS] Even have a new lady now.
Not your lady.
Alright, fuckin' fine, whatever.
All I'm saying is prison
ain't that bad, homey.
You get to read books and shit.
Just turn yourself in.
[SIGHS] Maybe you're right.
Erika left me.
I ain't got no reason to be out here.
No. Stick to the plan.
We can still get outta here.
Julio, what the fuck?
No, yeah, for real.
What's your fuckin' deal?
Dawg, I just found out
my ex-lady got married
to some loser with my same name.
My Bonnie betrayed me, too.
So, Maggie married some other fool, huh?
That's why you've been
acting so fuckin' crazy.
Shut up, Luis.
Dawg, I'm the only motherfucker in here
who really knows what
you're going through, okay?
Fuck your Bonnie. Fuck my Bonnie.
Fuck all the Bonnies in the world.
We can still get outta here together.
You and me, dawg.
Clyde and Clyde.
You with me?
Come on.
♪
Fuck it. I'm in.
Julio, I swear to God,
I'm gonna fuck you up!
Shut up, bitch!
Hey, they probably got
our negotiator by now.
Let's go out there and
get that fuckin' plane.
- You're right. Go, come on, let's go.
- Alright.
- Hey, put the gun to my head.
- Yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
And let's make it look real this time.
Life's a stage, playboy.
Look at you. Alright, okay.
[GRUNTS] Oh, I'm gonna fucking
kill you. Alright, let's go.
[GRUNTS] Who the fuck wants it?
- [GRUNTS]
- [WHISPERING]
Oh, so now you're that fool's lady?
Do you wanna get outta here or not?
Fuck.
[INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER]
So where the fuck is my negotiator?
[NEW YORK ACCENT] Hey!
Mr. Negotiator here.
What can I negotiate for you?
Isn't that the same guy from earlier?
Yeah, yeah, aren't you
the same guy from earlier?
No. What?
I'm a different guy.
I'm from New York City.
The Big Apple.
But you can probably tell from my voice.
Ohh!
You know what, dawg, I've
been to New York once.
He sounds pretty legit.
Well, okay.
I don't know if you've heard,
but I want a plane and a pizza.
SERGEANT: Just a plane and a pizza?
Easy peasy lemon squeezy.
Yeah, you just give us a hostage and
we'll get those right over to you.
- Bada bing, bada boom.
- Goddammit.
You know what? Fuck you!
I'm not giving you shit
until you give me what I want.
[EXHALES]
You know what? You drive a hard
bargain, my friend, but fair enough.
You just hang tight, alright?
But listen, between you and me,
you shoulda held up a liquor
store in New York City.
It's the only place you're
gonna find good pizza.
But I'll see what I can do.
I'll see what I can do.
It's the moozadell.
It's all in the mooza
- He's gone.
- I'm back ♪
SONNY: Damn, dawg, that
negotiator sucks at negotiating.
Hey. The fuck are you doing?
Your-your phone was on the ground
'cause you threw it at my head
so I was just putting it here
with the other phones, okay?
Yeah, but also, can we
please get our phones back?
We're bored as hell.
Yeah, go ahead.
Alright, you can give
everybody their phones back.
But, hey, sit the fuck back down.
Hey, give me my phone.
Sit your ass down.
SERGEANT: Hey, hey! Look at you.
You get to be a hero
today after all, huh, Rook?
What are we waiting for?
When are we gonna get in there?
You really don't get it, huh?
I got two words for you, Rook.
It's called O-T.
You like money, right?
Well, we need this situation
to last as long as possible.
I got a new deck I gotta build, buddy.
Johnson's getting a divorce.
And he's at fault, poor bastard.
We all need buttloads of cash
and none of us know how
the stock market works.
He has hostages in there.
He's gonna kill them.
Aw, what about the hostages?
[MOCKINGLY] I'm a little
baby who's also a cop.
- Pew, pew, pew.
- [LAUGHTER]
What do you think is gonna happen
if we barge in there right now, Rook?
Some of those hostages
are gonna get shot.
They'll pin it on us,
they'll sue the city,
and we'll be riding a desk.
So, keep your rookie mouth shut
and start thinking about where
you wanna spend your OT money, huh?
Maybe on some diapies.
- For your bum-bum.
- ♪
[SERGEANT CHUCKLES]
[MOUTHFUL] I think he's mad.
NEWSCASTER 1 [ON TV]:
Police have blocked off
entrances and exits to the 10.
This event is causing major
traffic jams across the city.
NEWSCASTER 2 [ON TV]: Forget about
Brad and Jen getting back together.
- [PHONE DINGS]
- This Bonnie and Clyde situation has turned into
the love story of the year.
- NEWSCASTER 1: Wow, the speed is unbelievable.
- Dawg, Erika just text me.
- What she say?
- "I'm sorry I couldn't answer your call.
Fucking cops are chasing us.
Didn't mean to leave you behind.
I love you so much, baby.
I'm still your Bonnie,
you're still my Clyde."
Aha! I knew it. Okay. [STAMMERS]
Wait. Wait, wait, wait.
Dawg, what are you texting?
Don't text back a crazy long paragraph.
Play it cool.
One line sentences.
No periods, alright?
You don't wanna come
off thirsty, alright?
- Alright, alright. Yeah.
- [PHONE DINGS]
- Catch you
- Oh, shit.
Now my ex is texting me.
Oh, w What the fuck is she saying?
"Hey, I know we haven't
talked in a while
and you probably saw on
Instagram that I got married
but I think I made a huge mistake.
I can't stop thinking about you"?
♪
Damn, dawg, what are
you gonna write back?
You know what? I'm just gonna give her
the thumbs up. I'm gonna play it cool.
- [LAUGHS] Smart boy.
- [PHONE DINGS]
Oh. Uh, okay.
The plan is still on.
We're gonna meet in Costa Rica.
All I gotta do is get outta here
and she misses my big dick.
That's nice.
[PHONE DINGS]
Oh, shit.
Now my ex is texting about my big dick.
SONNY: Oh, no way.
Hey, dawg, they say it's all
about the motion in the ocean
but doesn't hurt to
have a big-ass boat.
- Ahh.
- [JULIO LAUGHS]
I knew there was a reason
that we were homeys.
- [PHONES DINGS]
- [SIGHS] Let's see.
"I want to be yours forever angel baby"?
Maggie don't talk like that.
♪
It's Ruby!
She's the one texting us.
Sonny, behind you! The gun!
♪
Oops.
♪
[TWANGY COUNTRY WESTERN MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
LUIS: Dawg, you better not
fuck this interview up, alright?
Tell me what you're gonna say.
Fine. How about, "Hi, my name's
Julio and I've lost the will to live,
but also can I get a job?"
[MOCKINGLY] Oh, I'm all fuckin' sad.
Shut up.
Hey, but for real, I talked
you up earlier, alright?
So just as long as you don't
tell John that you think
Roger Moore is the best James
Bond, you should be good.
Man, fuck James Bond. I'm
on that John Wick shit.
Dawg, do not bring up
John Wick to that fool.
I'm serious.
JULIO: Alright.
LUIS: Hey, OG.
This is my cousin I
was telling you about.
Hey, what the fuck is all this?
The landlord sold the
building to developers
and ended my lease.
The best suit store in
LA is gonna be turned into
luxury condominiums owned
by Chinese billionaires.
Damn.
Hey, uh,
I'm sorry, John.
JOHN: Oh, don't worry
about me, young blood.
Everything happens for a reason,
especially in this city.
Ohh, LA can be a cruel mistress.
One day, she's giving you fellatio
in a bathroom stall at Dodger Stadium.
The next, she's stealing your
wallet on Hollywood Boulevard.
But I wouldn't trade
living in this great city
for nothing in the world.
[SIGHS]
So, what are you gonna do now, OG?
Get the hell outta this rotten town.
I can't afford to live
in this trash heap.
I'm going to where the grass is greener
and the rent is cheaper.
Detroit.
Goodbye, Luis.
And good luck to both of y'all.
♪
♪
Fuck.
I'm unemployed.
I'm a fuckin' bum like you are.
Don't worry about it, playboy.
We'll find jobs tomorrow.
Today, we ain't got no jobs,
we ain't got shit to do.
Let's go get fucked up.
Alright then, fuck it.
Damn.
- JULIO: It's alright.
- [LUIS GRUNTS]
Hey, fool, we gotta pick
up my lady real quick.
Damn, dawg. It's been three
weeks and you're already sprung.
Yeah. You know what?
You're a bitter-ass hater.
Nah, you're just being
that annoying fool
that invites his lady to
kick it with the homeys.
Oh, I'm sorry, did you want a
little more one-on-one time with me?
I get it, fool, you want
me all to yourself, huh?
Well, then give me some casco.
Come on, real quick.
Get off of me, dumbass.
Hurry up. Let's go.
I Love L.A. by Randy Newman playing ♪
Rollin' down the Imperial Highway ♪
With a big nasty redhead at my side ♪
Santa Ana winds blowing
hot from the north ♪
And we was born to ride ♪
♪
Roll down the window,
put down the top ♪
Crank up the Beach Boys, baby ♪
Don't let the music stop ♪
We're gonna ride it ♪
Till we just can't ride it no more ♪
♪
From the South Bay to the Valley ♪
From the West Side to the East Side ♪
Everybody's very happy ♪
'Cause the sun is
shining all the time ♪
Looks like another perfect day ♪
♪
I love LA ♪
♪
We love it ♪
♪
I love LA ♪
♪
We love it ♪
[ALARM RINGING]
We love it ♪
- Oh, let's get the fuck outta here!
- [RINGING CONTINUES]
♪
Shit.
[RINGING CONTINUES]
♪
Get the fuck outta my way, bitch!
[SIREN WAILING]
- Erika!
- [TIRES SCREECHING]
Erika!
[WAILING CONTINUES]
[SIGHS] Fuck.
♪
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
♪
[KEYS BEEPING]
[CASH REGISTER DINGS]
Hey, Muhammad.
Why you got a liquor
store if you can't drink?
My name is not Muhammad.
- Man, shut yo ass up, Muhammad.
- [BOTH LAUGH]
I hate this fuckin' city.
Ooh, I know what I want.
- You fuck with sour cream and onions?
- RUBY: Yeah.
Damn, your breath's gonna be all nasty.
- You like it, though.
- Yeah, I do.
You two disgust me.
RUBY: Oh, shut up, Julio.
You look like you
like oven-baked chips.
Luis, you're gonna let your
lady talk to me like that?
Hey, my lady can speak for herself.
Yeah, that's right. But
also I am not his lady.
- What do you mean you're not my lady?
- What do you mean what do I mean?
We've only been kicking
it for like three weeks.
LUIS: Yeah, but I mean, we're
like exclusive and shit, right?
Like you're not gonna go to Norway
and smash on some big-ass Viking fool?
- Are you?
- RUBY: I don't know, am I?
[WEDDING BELLS RINGING OMINOUSLY]
JULIO: What the fuck?
♪
MASKED MAN [MUFFLED]:
Everyone on the fucking ground.
JULIO: She got married
to Julio Teambién?
- MASKED MAN: Hey.
- JULIO: Huh?
- [JULIO GRUNTS]
- I said get the fuck on the ground.
- You fuckin' deaf?
- [COUGHING]
Hey, homey, you better
ask fucking nicely.
Luis, get the fuck down.
Alright, I'll get down but
only outta respect for my lady.
I am not your lady.
- Ruby, goddamn.
- Hey, both of you shut the fuck up.
You, Muhammad, where
the fuck's the piece at?
- Where's the pistol?
- FARHAD: My name is not Muhammad.
- [GUN COCKS]
- No pistol.
Back up!
♪
Lie to me again,
and I'll blow you fuckin'
away with your own pistol.
Get the fuck back here
and get on the ground.
[SIRENS WAILING]
[TIRES SCREECH]
♪
Fuck.
Hey, you. Danny
Trejo-lookin' fool, get up.
- JULIO: Huh?
- SONNY: Come on.
- What?
- Come on, get up.
Oh, no. Okay, okay, okay. Okay.
[GRUNTS] Fuck!
Hey!
I got hostages.
Anybody tries to come in, I start
killing motherfuckers, you hear me?
- I got a shot.
- [GUN CLICKS]
Fuck. Fuckin' safety.
SERGEANT: What the hell are you doing?
Put your fuckin' gun down, Rookie.
We gotta call for backup.
We hear you loud and clear.
No one's coming in there. Okay?
- Just don't hurt anybody.
- Don't kill me.
Come on, let's go.
♪
Ah, fuck.
Oh, fuck!
[PANTING]
Are you fucking filming me?
This isn't TikTok. Give
me your fuckin' phone.
Why? The cops are already here.
Shut up.
KIANA: Damn, you all dramatic and shit.
You like a amateur, huh?
Do I look like a fucking amateur to you?
Kinda.
How much you wanna bet I'ma escape?
Uh
SONNY: [GROANS] Whatever.
Everybody give me your fuckin' phones.
I'ma die a fuckin' hostage.
SONNY: Dude, shut the fuck up.
Nothing's gonna happen as long as
you motherfuckers don't try anything.
LUIS: Hey. Don't worry.
I can be your hero, baby.
RUBY [WHISPERING]: I don't
need you to be my hero.
Just don't get us killed.
LUIS: I appreciate what you're saying,
but it's kinda hard to tell
a hero not to be a hero.
Get off me.
AUTOMATED VOICE [OVER PHONE]:
please record your message.
- [LINE BEEPS]
- Erika. Baby, where are you?
Shit got fucked up but, uh,
I'm at a liquor store right now
and I got some hostages,
but I'm gonna get outta here
and, uh, I'll meet
you at the spot, okay?
Uh, just, you know, call me back.
And the amo.
KIANA: Uh, who's Erika?
She's my fuckin' Bonnie
and I'm her Clyde.
This bank was supposed
to be our last lick
and we were gonna head out to Costa Rica
but shit got fucked up and I
gotta get the fuck outta here.
Hey. Muhammad, any other exits?
No.
Isn't that a fucking code violation?
Isn't bank robbery a crime?
Oh, you got jokes, huh?
Stop. Just turn yourself in
now before it gets too crazy.
Right? It's just armed robbery.
Even if you get like ten years,
you'll probably get out
in five for good behavior.
And you seem like a well-behaved homey.
I am not going back to fucking prison.
I am going to Costa Rica!
Uh, but you don't got a plan.
I got a plan.
You don't look like you got a plan.
Well, eh Fine.
Everybody get up.
Get up!
♪
Alright.
Here's my plan.
♪
We're gonna rush those fuckin' pigs.
JULIO: Huh?
SONNY: Yeah, I'm gonna
countdown from five,
and we're gonna go out there
and we're gonna fuckin' rush 'em.
What the fuck? That's the LAPD, homey.
Those fools are gonna
just start blasting.
There's only two of those
juras out there, man.
They can't fuckin' kill us all.
[SIRENS WAILING]
[TIRES SCREECH]
Fuck!
Alright, uh
Look, the longer we wait, the
more cops are gonna show up.
So, everybody get in line
and let's-let's do this.
Come on, let's go.
You up front, let's go.
- Alright.
- SONNY: Come on!
Vámonos pues.
Come on.
Okay, alright. Okay.
♪
Alright. Okay, here we go.
Ready?
Five,
four,
- three
- [PLANE ENGINE ROARING]
two.
- one
- Ask for a plane.
The fuck did you just say?
Ask for a plane.
You have hostages.
You've got the power here.
Let's get the fuck outta this city.
Fuck LA, dawg.
We can all go to Costa Rica together.
Hey, this is how you get back to Erika.
[SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE]
♪
I'm telling you, ask for a plane.
♪
You're right. You're right.
- We're gonna get a fucking plane, huh?
- JULIO: Right.
- Yeah. Yeah!
- I'm gonna get a fuckin' plane.
- Let's get a fuckin' plane.
- Let's get a fuckin' plane.
SONNY: Hey, shut the
fuck up. Be right back.
- [DOOR CHIMES]
- [INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER]
[WHISPERING] What the fuck?
♪
Please help me. He's gonna
fuckin' kill me, he's crazy.
But you fools know what?
He can probably be reasoned with.
SONNY: Alright, listen up.
I want a plane to take
me wherever I wanna go.
Should we ask for anything else?
Maybe a pizza.
We're gonna get hungry.
You're smart as fuck, dawg.
Hey. And a pizza.
I want a pizza and a plane.
SERGEANT: Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Look, we wanna give you
everything you want, okay?
But we're just lowly policemen.
And this situation is
way above our pay grade.
What you need is a negotiator.
♪
Well, okay then give
me a fuckin' negotiator.
SERGEANT: Okay. But you gotta
do something for us first.
How about, uh,
how about you give us a hostage?
Isn't this negotiating?
Well, how would I know that?
I'm not a negotiator.
Oh, fuck.
I'm mad because I got this
pepper spray app on my phone
but he got the phone,
so we can't even use it.
- FARHAD: We need to distract him
- What's good with your boy?
RUBY: Luis, what the fuck are you doing?
Getting warmed up.
When they come back in,
I'll tackle that fool
and you guys walk outta here, alright?
Then I'll beat his ass
and walk outta here myself.
Done. Easy.
- You're welcome.
- [KIANA LAUGHS]
Yo, my baby brother's
bigger than you and he's 13.
So, what the fuck you trying to say?
Luis, it's just that he-he
just looks really muscular.
- Right?
- So the fuck what?
Muscles ain't shit when
you got what I have.
And that's density.
[KIANA LAUGHS]
What the fuck are you talking about?
Look, I'm low to the ground already,
so I get good balance
and I'm dense as fuck,
like a bowling ball.
Try to move me.
Bowling balls are easy to move.
That's what they do.
Alright, a fuckin' boulder then.
Go ahead, try it!
[LUIS GRUNTS]
Yo, what the fuck? I wasn't ready!
The women are right.
- You are weak and you're short.
- Luis, listen, listen.
We need to think of a better plan
than you just trying
to beat him up, okay?
So, you don't think
I could take him, huh?
Honestly? No.
Wow.
SERGEANT: Okay then, it's settled.
We'll get you that negotiator
soon as you give us a hostage.
Alright, it's a deal.
But then I wanna start talking
about my plane and my pizza.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anything you want.
I mean, we're on your side.
Alright. Let's go, come on.
♪
Wow.
This guy's a fuckin' idiot.
He might actually give us a hostage.
Hey, Sarge.
I think if I hide over
there next time he comes out,
I can get a clean shot.
SERGEANT: Oh, yeah?
Can I give you some advice, Rook?
Yeah.
Don't be a hero.
That's how people get killed.
With all due respect, Sarge,
I didn't join the force just
to stand around and do nothing.
[SIGHS]
- You wanna do something?
- Yeah.
SERGEANT: Alright, here.
Why don't you put up some yellow tape?
The citizens of Los Angeles paid a
lot of money for that yellow tape.
Good money.
It's our duty to put it up.
Go serve and protect, young man.
[PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYS]
[SCOFFS]
Alright, one of you lucky
motherfuckers is gonna get to leave.
So, who's it gonna be?
Icka, bicka, soda, cra
- Hey, where's the little homey?
- LUIS: I'm not that little, homey.
- [GASPS]
- Oh, shit.
Bye, bitch. [LAUGHS]
I told y'all I was gonna escape.
Whoo!
[SCREAMS] I'm a hostage,
don't fuckin' shoot.
[LUIS AND SONNY GRUNTING]
[COCKS GUN]
[NERVOUSLY] Hey, hey, hey, big dawg.
Take a joke, alright?
I was just testing
your center of gravity,
and you're dense as fuck.
You should be proud.
You're a fuckin' dead man.
No, no, no, no!
Don't shoot him, don't shoot him.
We have to give up a hostage anyway.
And this fuckin' idiot's my cousin.
Your cousin?
Hey, whose side are you on, man?
- You motherfuckers plan this shit?
- No, no, no. I'm on your side.
Look, playboy.
LUIS: [GRUNTS] Oh, fuck!
You fuckin' bitch.
We need these hostages alive.
You're crazy as fuck, huh?
I like it.
Alright.
- Tie this little motherfucker up then.
- Come on, get your ass up.
Get your ass up.
♪
[WHISPERING] I don't know what
your plan is, but I don't like it.
Hey, I just saved your dumb ass.
You coulda got everyone killed.
Yeah, but you didn't
have to fuckin' sock me.
[WHISPERING] Hey, qué te dije?
I told you not to do that shit.
That's what you get.
Oh, so I personally free a hostage
and now I'm getting punished for it?
This isn't how heroes should be treated.
SONNY: Oh, shit.
Erika.
- NEWSCASTER 1 [ON TV]: eastbound 10
- It's Erika.
NEWSCASTER 1: where
inside this white SUV
are a man and a woman
who just this morning robbed
a bank in downtown Los Angeles.
NEWSCASTER 2 [ON TV]: The
Internet is abuzz with this couple
whom everyone is now referring
to as Bonnie and Clyde.
What the fuck?
They're not Bonnie and
Clyde. I'm fucking Clyde.
Hey. I thought it was just you
and Erika. Who's that other fool?
SONNY: It's me, Erika,
and my road dog, Ernie.
He's our getaway driver.
You know, he's he's our third wheel.
We're like a fuckin' tricycle.
I-I gotta call Erika and figure
out what the fuck is going on, man.
How'd you guys get separated anyways?
It was an accident.
We came outta the bank at the same
time and Erika got in the car first
and then fuckin' Ernie peeled out
before I got a chance to get in.
He got like spooked or something.
Why, were the cops shooting at you?
No, no, they hadn't shown up yet.
- [LINE RINGING]
- Just, you know, Ernie's
♪
I don't know.
AUTOMATED VOICE [OVER PHONE]:
Your call has been forwarded
- Huh.
- Rang twice and went to voicemail.
AUTOMATED VOICE: at the tone.
RUBY: Hmm.
♪
And what's this "hmm" about?
I don't know, it just seems
like she sent you to voice mail.
Or maybe her fuckin' phone's dead.
If her phone was dead, it would've
gone straight to voicemail,
but it rang twice.
So
Ah, shit.
You trusted your woman with another man?
Fuckin' of course I trust Ernie.
They're just friends.
Matter of fact, they
hang out all the time.
Sometimes I don't even have to
be around for them to hang out.
They're just friends.
You, my friend, are a cuckold.
LUIS: Yeah, dawg.
I hate to be a bad news bear,
but they're probably smashing right now.
They're fucking driving.
RUBY: So? You ever heard of road head?
♪
[EXHALES]
♪
I was right there.
He just had to wait an extra
second to let me in, but
they fuckin' left me.
[SIREN WAILING]
What the fuck am I gonna do now?
Kill yourself, you coward.
Nah, nah, nah, dawg.
Just turn yourself in, alright?
I served my time, got out,
got my fucking life together.
[SCOFFS] Even have a new lady now.
Not your lady.
Alright, fuckin' fine, whatever.
All I'm saying is prison
ain't that bad, homey.
You get to read books and shit.
Just turn yourself in.
[SIGHS] Maybe you're right.
Erika left me.
I ain't got no reason to be out here.
No. Stick to the plan.
We can still get outta here.
Julio, what the fuck?
No, yeah, for real.
What's your fuckin' deal?
Dawg, I just found out
my ex-lady got married
to some loser with my same name.
My Bonnie betrayed me, too.
So, Maggie married some other fool, huh?
That's why you've been
acting so fuckin' crazy.
Shut up, Luis.
Dawg, I'm the only motherfucker in here
who really knows what
you're going through, okay?
Fuck your Bonnie. Fuck my Bonnie.
Fuck all the Bonnies in the world.
We can still get outta here together.
You and me, dawg.
Clyde and Clyde.
You with me?
Come on.
♪
Fuck it. I'm in.
Julio, I swear to God,
I'm gonna fuck you up!
Shut up, bitch!
Hey, they probably got
our negotiator by now.
Let's go out there and
get that fuckin' plane.
- You're right. Go, come on, let's go.
- Alright.
- Hey, put the gun to my head.
- Yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
And let's make it look real this time.
Life's a stage, playboy.
Look at you. Alright, okay.
[GRUNTS] Oh, I'm gonna fucking
kill you. Alright, let's go.
[GRUNTS] Who the fuck wants it?
- [GRUNTS]
- [WHISPERING]
Oh, so now you're that fool's lady?
Do you wanna get outta here or not?
Fuck.
[INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER]
So where the fuck is my negotiator?
[NEW YORK ACCENT] Hey!
Mr. Negotiator here.
What can I negotiate for you?
Isn't that the same guy from earlier?
Yeah, yeah, aren't you
the same guy from earlier?
No. What?
I'm a different guy.
I'm from New York City.
The Big Apple.
But you can probably tell from my voice.
Ohh!
You know what, dawg, I've
been to New York once.
He sounds pretty legit.
Well, okay.
I don't know if you've heard,
but I want a plane and a pizza.
SERGEANT: Just a plane and a pizza?
Easy peasy lemon squeezy.
Yeah, you just give us a hostage and
we'll get those right over to you.
- Bada bing, bada boom.
- Goddammit.
You know what? Fuck you!
I'm not giving you shit
until you give me what I want.
[EXHALES]
You know what? You drive a hard
bargain, my friend, but fair enough.
You just hang tight, alright?
But listen, between you and me,
you shoulda held up a liquor
store in New York City.
It's the only place you're
gonna find good pizza.
But I'll see what I can do.
I'll see what I can do.
It's the moozadell.
It's all in the mooza
- He's gone.
- I'm back ♪
SONNY: Damn, dawg, that
negotiator sucks at negotiating.
Hey. The fuck are you doing?
Your-your phone was on the ground
'cause you threw it at my head
so I was just putting it here
with the other phones, okay?
Yeah, but also, can we
please get our phones back?
We're bored as hell.
Yeah, go ahead.
Alright, you can give
everybody their phones back.
But, hey, sit the fuck back down.
Hey, give me my phone.
Sit your ass down.
SERGEANT: Hey, hey! Look at you.
You get to be a hero
today after all, huh, Rook?
What are we waiting for?
When are we gonna get in there?
You really don't get it, huh?
I got two words for you, Rook.
It's called O-T.
You like money, right?
Well, we need this situation
to last as long as possible.
I got a new deck I gotta build, buddy.
Johnson's getting a divorce.
And he's at fault, poor bastard.
We all need buttloads of cash
and none of us know how
the stock market works.
He has hostages in there.
He's gonna kill them.
Aw, what about the hostages?
[MOCKINGLY] I'm a little
baby who's also a cop.
- Pew, pew, pew.
- [LAUGHTER]
What do you think is gonna happen
if we barge in there right now, Rook?
Some of those hostages
are gonna get shot.
They'll pin it on us,
they'll sue the city,
and we'll be riding a desk.
So, keep your rookie mouth shut
and start thinking about where
you wanna spend your OT money, huh?
Maybe on some diapies.
- For your bum-bum.
- ♪
[SERGEANT CHUCKLES]
[MOUTHFUL] I think he's mad.
NEWSCASTER 1 [ON TV]:
Police have blocked off
entrances and exits to the 10.
This event is causing major
traffic jams across the city.
NEWSCASTER 2 [ON TV]: Forget about
Brad and Jen getting back together.
- [PHONE DINGS]
- This Bonnie and Clyde situation has turned into
the love story of the year.
- NEWSCASTER 1: Wow, the speed is unbelievable.
- Dawg, Erika just text me.
- What she say?
- "I'm sorry I couldn't answer your call.
Fucking cops are chasing us.
Didn't mean to leave you behind.
I love you so much, baby.
I'm still your Bonnie,
you're still my Clyde."
Aha! I knew it. Okay. [STAMMERS]
Wait. Wait, wait, wait.
Dawg, what are you texting?
Don't text back a crazy long paragraph.
Play it cool.
One line sentences.
No periods, alright?
You don't wanna come
off thirsty, alright?
- Alright, alright. Yeah.
- [PHONE DINGS]
- Catch you
- Oh, shit.
Now my ex is texting me.
Oh, w What the fuck is she saying?
"Hey, I know we haven't
talked in a while
and you probably saw on
Instagram that I got married
but I think I made a huge mistake.
I can't stop thinking about you"?
♪
Damn, dawg, what are
you gonna write back?
You know what? I'm just gonna give her
the thumbs up. I'm gonna play it cool.
- [LAUGHS] Smart boy.
- [PHONE DINGS]
Oh. Uh, okay.
The plan is still on.
We're gonna meet in Costa Rica.
All I gotta do is get outta here
and she misses my big dick.
That's nice.
[PHONE DINGS]
Oh, shit.
Now my ex is texting about my big dick.
SONNY: Oh, no way.
Hey, dawg, they say it's all
about the motion in the ocean
but doesn't hurt to
have a big-ass boat.
- Ahh.
- [JULIO LAUGHS]
I knew there was a reason
that we were homeys.
- [PHONES DINGS]
- [SIGHS] Let's see.
"I want to be yours forever angel baby"?
Maggie don't talk like that.
♪
It's Ruby!
She's the one texting us.
Sonny, behind you! The gun!
♪
Oops.
♪
[TWANGY COUNTRY WESTERN MUSIC PLAYING]
♪