Top Gear (2002) s02e02 Episode Script
The Team Finds the Fastest Political Party
Hello and welcome.
We've got a luxury theme tonight.
A drinks globe with Tia Maria in it, an onyx coffee table, that's a sumptuous Wall's Viennetta, and, appropriately, that is the new Rolls Royce Phantom.
Have you ever seen anything quite so enormous? Look at this.
This is the wheel from our Suzuki Liana.
Compare it, if you will, to the wheel of the Rolls Royce.
And that is its engine! A 6.
7 litre V12.
Last time I was in anything with an engine that big, it had a captain! Everything about this car is vast.
To test it, I took it to the home of that other automotive colossus.
John Prescott.
LAUGHTER I went to Hull.
This is nice.
No rev counter - I have a "power reserve dial".
I'm doing 60 miles an hour and according to that, I've got 90% of the engine's power in reserve, just in case of emergencies.
That's good.
In the old Rolls Royces, the ones from the '60s and '70s, '80s even, there was wind noise, tyre noise, engine noise.
You could hear the clock at 100 miles an hour because it was loud! But this is like a whisper in the vestry.
HARSH TECHNO MUSIC It's a frugal car too.
I drove it to Yorkshire and got 18 miles to the gallon! It's quieter and more economical than I expected.
And it's easier to drive.
I imagined that driving this car through a village would be like trying to thread an oil rig through a letter box.
But it's not that difficult.
It's 14 miles long, but it's quite narrow.
It's six inches narrower than a Range Rover, so it's quite easy.
I'm not distracted by toys, either.
In most luxury cars there are lots of buttons which let you tailor everything, "just so".
Let me show you the radio as a prime example.
There's one knob.
Push it and Terry Wogan comes into the car.
Turn it, he gets louder.
Push it again and he goes away.
Then there's the gear arrangement.
Tiptronic? I don't think so.
I've got backwards, neutral and forwards.
And that's it.
It seems this car represents an old-fashioned approach to luxury motoring.
And I rather like that.
FOGHORN BLARES Normally, I must be honest, I don't find the doors on a car particularly interesting.
Unless SOFT CLUNK .
.
it doesn't have any.
But, look at this.
Not only does this open backwards, but in here we find an umbrella.
Rolls Royce is making a big deal about this.
Not sure why cos you get it on a Skoda Superb.
It's the only thing that's "superb" about it.
Inside I simply push this button here to close the door because obviously I can't be bothered to do it myself.
Then I'm cocooned in this world of elegant simplicity.
I love the leather and aluminium.
This Art Deco light in here, the handles and the roof.
That isfabulous.
Then you've got the thick carpets and these picnic tables.
You might think that the back is the best place to be.
Calming, nice.
But actually, the Rolls is amazingly good fun to drive.
Nought to 60 in 5.
7 seconds and a top speed of 150.
That's fast by anyone's standards, especially as the wheels don't appear to go round.
And it's not just good in a straight line either.
Don't misunderstand me.
It's far from sporty.
But it's not a hovercraft either.
I didn't want to like this car.
I wanted to say it was too big, too German, too vulgar.
But it's won me over.
Since it began, Rolls Royce said it makes the best car in the world.
Now, for 80 years that hasn't really been the case.
It is now, though! Once again, the Spirit of Ecstasy is just that.
And here we are, at journey's end.
The real reason for coming to Hullthe Humber Bridge.
For 17 years, the longest suspension bridge in the world.
The towers are one-and-a-half inches further apart at the top than the bottom, thanks to the curvature of the earth.
There's enough steel in the cabling here to go round the world twice.
It's British steel, British designed, British-engineered and British-built with British money.
We have the talent in this country to make stuff like this.
Sowhy can't we do it today? The design of this car is British.
The chief engineer who worked on it is British.
The engine comes from Germany.
So does the gearbox, the brakes, the suspension and body.
Even the leather on the seats comes from a flock of cows in Bavaria.
All we do in this country is put all the bits together and nail the dashboard in place.
It's pathetic.
This is a great car.
An awesome car.
A bit showy perhaps, and hard to park, but mostly a majestic, inspiring, serene and glorious blend of style and engineering.
I just wish it was like the Humber Bridge.
I wish it was something we could be proud of.
Thanks! You've made me feel good about being British and stupid.
And useless.
Sorry.
The British and Germans do good stuff.
The new Mini? Yep.
The Range Rover? Mmm.
And this.
You're absolutely right, actually.
Germans on their own are useless.
All leather shorts and oompah music designing a Mercedes Maybach.
Maybach's a case in point.
It costs the same - £250,000.
It's the same size, but it's just a stretch Mercedes.
They've shoved a branch of Dixons in the front and fitted DFS leatherette reclining sofas in the back.
This is the only true luxury car.
I can explain why.
Look.
Mmm.
They could've taken a big BMW and stuffed it full of kit, as you said.
But they went to this and thought, "What's luxury really about? " Not gadgets.
It's about peace and quiet, and light and air and space, big space.
You can't have a luxury caravan, can you? No.
Rolls Royce does have a problem.
I was talking to an Arab friend.
He's got a Ferrari F40, an F50, he's got an Enzo coming.
A Bentley, a Jaguar XJ220, a Porsche 959 and a Toyota Previa for his wife.
LAUGHTER He was saying, "I don't want a new Rolls Royce, they're too flash.
" Yes.
I look at that beautiful woman on the grille and do you know what I think? What? Jimmy Saville.
LAUGHTER And this is it.
This is the crux.
Rolls Royce has built a magnificent car.
They must be careful who they sell it to.
Nobody called James.
James Saville, James Greaves, no.
James Tarbuck, not a chance.
JamesYOU! James May, he can't have one either.
Sorry, mate.
So, the Cool Board.
Where does the Rolls go? Right now it has been "Tarbucked" with the Saville brush.
So it can only be uncool, I'm afraid.
But I'll put this proviso on it.
It'll stay there till I open Heat magazine and there's one outside a nightclub with a member of AC/DC falling out into a pool of his own sick.
LAUGHTER Then it's gonna go straight there.
It'll never happen.
Sadly, no rock star will ever buy the Rolls Royce.
It's too big to fit in a swimming pool.
The Ferrari Enzo? Mmm.
Three of these sold in this country so far.
I think, all of them to rock stars? True enough.
Eric Clapton has one.
Jay Kay has got one and the drummer of Pink Floyd is getting one.
Even with the rock star effect, it is not cool.
What do we think? It's trying too hard.
Hold on a minute, why is the Enzo cool? It's got everything that the McLaren F1 was ten years ago.
For that, it's cool.
I nodded off in the middle of that! Where they're going wrong is this - the Kristin Scott Thomas test.
Precisely.
Here she is, look.
If you pull up to take her out in a Ferrari Enzo, she'll say, "No, can we go in my husband's Laguna?" I've got the new Audi A3.
Cool.
No, that's uncool! There's a man here I happen to know has an A3.
They're wonderful cars to drive.
You've got a beard! So?! LAUGHTER If you're gonna have an Audi, buy an Audi not a VW Golf that looks like an Audi.
I think that's an uncool car.
No, it isn't.
It's uncool! I know he's got a beard, but that's a cool car.
Wrong! No, it's cool.
And if you wanna do something about it LAUGHTER I like a reasoned debate.
Now, I think that's pretty much I'm gonna put this Alfa up here.
AUDIENCE: No! Yes! Yes.
Thank you, yes.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE JeryT Thank you.
A few weeks ago, there were some local elections and the turnout was dreadful.
People started wailing about voter apathy and the death of democracy.
It's got nothing to do with any of that.
It's cos voting is boring! So we thought we could revolutionise democracy by deciding the result of the next election using an MG ZR race car.
The major political parties have sent representatives to take part and the first is from the Legalise Cannabis Alliance.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Big party? Small.
This is Mark Gibson.
From the Official Monster Raving Loony Party Hooray! Whoo! .
.
this is Alan "Howling Laud" Hope.
Alan has no experience of this sort of thing, but does have a Hyundai and a cat that died recently.
High hopes here! From the Green Party, Ian Dickson.
Hello.
You do know what you're here to do? Yes.
There's no bus lane and you'll have to take your cycle clips off.
From the Liberal Democrat Party, John Ault.
AUDIENCE BOOS LAUGHTER It's getting scary in here! Now, I don't know if this is right, but you're the only Lib Dem opposed to speed bumps.
I don't like them unless there's two together so I can jump the second! From Labour, Richard Burden.
Wahey! It's one.
You have done some racing.
Bits and pieces.
Finally, from the Tory party Finally, from the Tory party AUDIENCE BOOS .
.
the Shadow Defence Secretary himself, Bernard Jenkin.
This isn't him, obviously.
Bernard can't make it here tonight because he's in Iraq.
I don't know why you'd want to be in Iraq.
That's your fault! Your boss was told by his boss in America to have a war and he did and Bernard can't be here.
Gone.
I haven't.
He made it for the big day.
Yes.
Just think, by the end of tonight we could have a new government.
We'll find out how they all did a bit later on.
First, the news.
Anyone who's seen an aerial photo of London will have noticed the blue bus lane running through the middle.
It's the Thames.
Get buses off the road and make them go on the river.
We've had a letter from a company this week, saying they've built such a thing.
Look at that.
It's a bus boat.
It's goes down the river and pulls out at the far end.
That's fantastic! The bloke says he wants backing.
You won't get any from us.
We spend our money on petrol and crisps.
But anything that gets buses off the road is a good idea.
Spending time in traffic is no fun.
We all have to do that.
This is a new service.
It's called "motor flirting".
Motor what? Flirting? Motor flirting.
Members display a sticker in the back window of their car with the logo on it.
Another member, when they see that they think, "They look nice, " they can contact this service, give them the reg and they can send text messages to that person.
Fat ugly blokes will be sending each other text messages! Him! Him! They will be texting each other! "Instead of gazing through the windscreen, text the motorist you fancy! " There you go, have that! I can straightaway see another use for this.
You can contact people in other cars.
You're on the motorway.
Say it's not foggy.
And somebody in front has their fog light on.
You can send them a playful text message to the effect Turn it off! Turn it off.
Precisely! The Queen of England had a Rover P5.
I know because I'm sitting in it.
This IS the Queen's Rover P5.
When she ordered this, she had a fleet of Rolls Royces.
They were chauffeur-driven.
This, she drove herself.
This was more your midweek luxury.
There were two shapes - the upright saloon and the coupe which, despite being the coupe, still had four doors.
But it's this lowered roof line that butches up the image and makes it look more caddish.
Inside it was the poor man's Roller, but still luxurious.
The holy trinity are here - leather, wood and shag pile.
It's solid, regal and dignified.
"Gentleman's club on wheels" may be a tired cliche today, but it was actually coined for this car.
It was the backbone of England.
Harold Wilson had one and he had a pipe rest fitted to it.
CHEERING AND BOOING Maggie Thatcher, when she drove round shouting at trade unionists, she had one.
But beneath that cosy tradition lay modernity.
It was Rover's first use of a monocoque shell.
It could've handled worse than a Sumo wrestler at a roller disco - it barely had enough power to challenge the most rotten chassis.
It struggled along with Rover's flaccid 3L from 1958-1967.
Yeah, the P5 would do 65mph, but it took 17 seconds to get there.
And yes it would do 100mph but not without a fight.
In 1967, the Rover P5 got the engine it deserved.
And the Rover 3.
5L V8 was born.
She finally had enough grunt to shake the rough shag out of Wilson's pipe.
It does make a nice noise.
That is a great noise! The trees are moving a bit faster, too.
Shame it happened in the year his transport minister, Barbara Castle, introduced the 70mph speed limit.
So the 3.
5L V8 engine Rover P5B coupe is the one to go for if you're buying one today.
You can get a really good one for £8,000 and a really, really good one closer to £11,000.
Like an elderly relative, it will need care and attention and you'll have to keep an eye on it.
It hasn't got satellite-navigated, remote-controlled airbag gizmos.
But it has something else.
It has innate luxuriousness.
Ingrained.
The Rover had luxury built into it.
It's as English as an oven glove with cats on.
Just think how comforting its upright posture must've been to the ex-public schoolboys running the banks, industry and, indeed, the nation.
When you're used to cold baths and cross-country runs, a Rover P5 must've been a welcome sight.
It's a plate of mashed potato on a refectory table.
I want to call it Nursey - I bet some people did.
Just like Nursey, the P5's starchy exterior conceals a warm and comforting bosom that makes everything all right with the world.
Channel Four ran a programme and named the 100 worst Britons.
I was a deserving 66.
But my guest tonight thrashed me.
Welcome Britain's 28th worst person, Jamie Oliver! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That was a man.
I thought it was a bird.
I think his name's Cindy.
It isn't Cindy, mate.
It's a bloke.
As it's our luxury programme, have a Rocher.
Thanks.
Maltesers that have won the Pools.
They get stuck in my throat.
We glued them together.
Let's talk about cars - no, your scooter.
Yeah.
Why do you have a scooter? The scooter's the fastest method of travel in London.
I'm fed up with sitting in traffic in London.
Drives me mad.
The scooter I'd beat any Ferrari in London.
3am, Baker Street.
LAUGHTER You had a crash on it on television.
Several - oh, God, lately, yeah! Tell the nice people what happened.
We were in Chicago and went on the Oprah Winfrey Show, quite exciting.
And they did this little VT of the things I've done.
"With Jamie Oliver! " And I drove in between the audience.
A very proud moment - this beautifully lit studio, wonderful flowers and Oprah smiling.
You know when cars slip and you correct it? There was none of that.
I just went straight on the floor and I skidded on my front about four or five metres.
They had an awkward family of eaters from Chicago at a table for four and I was going straight for them.
It was really scary, but great.
Did they leave it in? They did, yeah.
They thought I was a stunt man.
Having a scooter is better than your car.
It's a bit cold and wet.
And you've got a Maserati.
Yeah.
What possessed you to do that? It looks beautiful, they're great value.
They're very fast, they sound beautiful.
Do you not agree, guys? They won't agree! Oh They know about cars.
That's why they're here.
But you drive a hairdresser's car what can you say! Your Stig took me out in it and I've never been so scared in my life.
And erm he crashed it.
Did he? He crashed it on the corner and smashed up the wheels.
How did he do it? After, he said, "I'm sorry about that.
"I could've missed that ditch, but I wanted to show you how it goes sideways.
" Thanks very much.
Seriously.
I'm sorry to have to do this We rang your restaurant to find out what you and your business know about cars.
It's 15, yeah? Yeah.
If you ring, a recorded message says you can have lunch in Three or four months? July.
And for dinner you have to wait till December.
A long time.
So we said, "Could we have a table for four, for Nigel Mansell?" Guess when he can have a table.
Three or four months? Friday.
Really? You don't want "mono-brow" in your restaurant, OK? It was a trick, so cross him out of the book OK Don't forget - we are a charity.
Do you know what's funnier? The next day we booked for Gilles Villeneuve.
He's dead! You know what I did? I phoned and pretended to be you, and they wouldn't give me a table till December! You are an Essex boy, yeah? Yes.
Do you do the Essex thing with cars - tart them up I think it's the lead in the water or something, but everyone buys dodgy cars and does 'em up with spoilers At one point my car was worth £800, and my stereo £1,300! It's just pathetic, but I was there, so I'm guilty.
But you're still at it today - you've got a camper van.
Oh, yeah.
But not a normal camper van.
It's beautiful.
Just talk us through it.
It's behind us! I love it dearly.
I just wish it worked more reliably.
What have you done to that? I've kept it pretty original, but I've got a pull-out double bed, a kitchen, TV, DVD and all that sort of stuff.
But I have got a Porsche 3.
6L engine in the back, which We had this brilliant idea, where we thought we'd see if Jamie could cook in his van, while going round our track with the Stig driving.
Anyone want to see what happened? AUDIENCE: Yes! What we'll make is a beautiful salad of mozzarella, fig, rocket, mint - all those beautiful things.
I wanna tear up my mozzarella I wanna take the tips off my figs.
Oh, my Lord And what I wanna do, is put the olive oil in Just dress the salad Aaaaah! Still making the salad! If you toss this up and put it on there Hopefully, it'll look nice.
That was horrible, and I felt really sick afterwards.
Was he going for it? He was, but I couldn't see anything.
I wanted to show off and make it good - "Whatever he does, I'll make it look beautiful.
" But when the car went, I was like, "Aaaargh.
" You're not here just to fool around on our track with your Maserati.
You're the Star In A Reasonably Priced Car.
You see how fast Yeah! I forgot about this! .
.
A Suzuki Liana.
Here's a list of people who've done it, in this and the last series.
Is there anyone you'd like to beat? Who do you think I wanted to beat? AUDIENCE: Gordon Ramsay.
He's a good friend of mine and I've spent my life chasing him, and I want to beat him once.
But Gordon did it in exactly the same time as me, so you'll beat me too.
That's all right.
Shall we see how you got on? If I beat you I'll be the happiest boy in the world.
And the deadest.
Let's have a look.
Gordon had a better start than that.
You should have gone to Specsavers! Your window's down! You won't beat Gordon, cos he had his window up! Yes, my son! That is really tight there.
Did I hit the camera? No.
Gordon had finished by now and opened another restaurant.
Nice cornering! That's neat as well.
And across the line Soyou wanted to beat Gordon Ramsay Yes, pleasewho's here.
Please Gordon, you've got your Michelin star, this is mine.
He's got more than one Michelin star.
OK, he's got several.
Jamie Oliver, you have to beat one minute 50.
Yeah.
You did it in one minutefifty .
.
seconds.
YES! CHEERING You needn't think it'll look like that next week.
Have a bottle of Babycham.
Thanks.
Thank you for coming.
You have been brilliant.
Ladies and gentlemen - Jamie Oliver! That's great! Right, this is THE performance car yardstick.
It's the BMW M3.
You can use it every day, OR take it to a track.
It'll set your trousers on fire.
Couple of things to know.
Avoid the sequential gearbox which is rubbish and ruins the whole thing.
Another thing to avoid.
Want to guess? CROWD: The colour! Colour.
I mean I won't have the red, blue or black one, I'll have bile yellow! AUDIENCE LAUGHS So, avoid that and the gearbox, and really, you can't do better.
Or can you? This is the new Audi S4.
It doesn't look like much, but they've put a V8 under the bonnet.
A big one.
They've given it more doors than the BMW and more grip, in the shape of four-wheel drive.
Then, there's the price.
At £36,000, it's £3,000 LESS than the M3.
So, this is Audi's lump hammer, built to break BMW's nut.
ENGINES REV So, has it worked? TYRES SCREECH ENGINE ROARS Amazingly, despite all Audi's hard work, in a simple race down our runway, this was the result You see, although the Audi has 1,000 more cc and two more cylinders, it only develops one more brake horsepower.
But what happens when the road gets twisty? TYRES SQUEAL Being four-wheel drive, the Audi is the opposite of a barbecue - it's better when wet.
But it's also very good in the dry.
The handling is ABSOLUTELY sublime.
This is harnessed lunacy.
But I still don't think it's as much fun as the unhinged M3.
That's the thing about the Audi.
The engine is a masterpiece.
It really is.
And it's beautifully made and very safe.
But in terms of sheer entertainment, it's like a dinner party - civilised conversation, glass of wine, a bit of Sade on the stereo.
Now the BMW, on the other hand, that's more like a 2am Ibiza beach barbecue.
TYRES SCREECH So, there you have it.
The yob .
.
and the provincial solicitor.
The Audi is better value, more practical and more grown-up.
The BMW is more of a hoot and, in a straight line, quicker.
But we do have one more test to do - to see which is the fastest round our tracks.
That means breaking out The Stig.
That's a problem - he's been to Nashville and developed a penchant for Country & Western.
Yee-ha! AUDIENCE LAUGHS Right, first up, the BMW.
343 HP, rear-wheel drive, 160kg lighter than the Audi.
Not much can keep up with this.
It's VERY tidy through the hammerhead and Woah-ho - that's seriously quick! The S4 will need to be pretty special to get close to this.
Here is the Audi.
Four-wheel drive.
What is The Stig listening to? COUNTRY & WESTERN MUSIC PLayS Looking good so far.
Little bit of understeer, but that's not really slowed him down.
It's the hammerhead.
It's THE test for heavy cars - will it run wide? No, he's kept it in check.
God As he blasts into the follow-through A seriously quick car - fantastic V8 engine, almost as good as the BMW's.
One more corner He's running very wide.
And it's across the line in Actually, we'll have to do the BMW time first.
That did it in one minute 31.
8 - quicker than an Esprit V8.
However, the Audi S4, which we know is slower in a straight line, did it in one minute 30.
9 - nearly a second quicker! Just off the Murcielago! What about in the wet? It's funny you should mention that.
I was talking to a racing driver who'd been out in a Lister Storm, in a race, and it poured with rain.
They sent out the safety car, which was an Audi RS4.
It was going round to bunch them all up, and the bloke in the Lister Storm got on the car-to-pit radio and said, "Slow him down, I can't keep up! " They're very good in the wet AND dry.
So what will you have, Jeremy? For one lap of a track the M3 is the one I'd choose, but every day The Audi.
The Audi.
It's time to sort the big political issue.
That's not foundation hospitals or Clare Short, but which is the fastest political party? First up, the Tories.
I'm gonna set your music going.
Good luck, take care.
Thank you.
Go! TYRES SCREECH And clearly Bernard's not for turning.
Doh! Yes he is.
MUSIC PLayS: "Jerusalem" by Parry Is it me or is that naffest PA ever? A pretty good performance from the Tories, but he could still lose his deposit.
CLOCK CHIMES Hold on, I've just got to stop everything here because there has been a complaint.
Iain Duncan Smith is going to send a letter to Greg Dyke, complaining that the BBC is biased against the Tory party.
The BBC is taking this very seriously, and so are we! We saw Bernard Jenkin go round our dry test track and set his time.
Then we made the other candidates wait a little bit until this.
Take care out there.
Be brave.
Here's your music.
I'll give you a count-off, OK? Good luck.
OK.
ENGINE REVS For Lib Dem, that was very, "We went that way, and that was it.
" Down the middle.
Really decisive.
And a well-fought campaign there.
But is it a safe seat? CLOCK CHIMES I don't even have a licence - I can't drive! Oh, dear.
CLOCK CHIMES I have my suspicions that he might just be a ringer.
He's clearly not a ringer.
I've just seen what's going There's some interesting gear change action occurring.
AUDIENCE LAUGH Hmm Could this be a wasted vote? REGGAE MUSIC PLayS Yeah, that's chilled.
Fire it up.
ENGINE REVS Things are probably coming up faster for him.
Mmm! Bit of a shock.
I'm guessing.
Of course, the question is, is he gonna roll? After the race, probably.
CLOCK CHIMES The Greens.
Watch out for rabbits and stuff.
Thank you.
If I do I'll bring it back.
I'll leave you to it.
This will make you feel better.
MUSIC: "What A Wonderful World" by The Ramones ENGINE REVS AND TYRES SQUEAL The world's first ecologically sound wheel-spin there.
He left his indicator on.
Yeah.
I don't suppose that'll slow him up.
Uh-oh.
It looks like the Green Party's about to have a big impact on the environment.
But no, he's saved it.
CLOCK CHIMES But now, our current leaders.
This is the original for you.
MUSIC STRIKES UP Start your engine.
I'll give you a count off.
ENGINE REVS Oh dear.
Still, things can only get better.
We can expect a bit of spin from the Labour Party.
Wahey! There's no spin, but typically, Labour don't know whether to go to the left or the right of the line.
But he was soon back on message.
CLOCK CHIMES Now, just before you write in to complain, there was a bit of a brouhaha following that.
Some went in the wet, some in the dry.
All those who went in the wet had another go this morning.
So, these are the official results.
As the official returning officer for Top Gear, here they are.
In sixth place, Alan "Howling Laud" Hope Official Monster Raving Loony.
.
.
with two minutes, 13.
In fifth place, Bernard Jenkin MP Conservative.
.
.
with one minute 41.
8.
In fourth place, Ian Dixon Green.
.
.
with a time of one minute And in third place, Richard Burden, MP Labourone minute, 38.
8.
And that means, ladies and gentleman, we have a new opposition.
And that is Mark Gibson Legalise Cannabis Alliance.
.
.
With a time of one minute, 36.
5.
And we have a new government this evening, ladies and gentlemen.
To lead that is John Ault Lib DemocratWith one minute, 33.
9.
CHEERS And here is your reward.
It's a safe seat.
It came out of a Volvo, so enjoy that.
There aren't many Liberal Democrat safe seats, but thank you.
So, round of applause there.
Good night.
We've got a luxury theme tonight.
A drinks globe with Tia Maria in it, an onyx coffee table, that's a sumptuous Wall's Viennetta, and, appropriately, that is the new Rolls Royce Phantom.
Have you ever seen anything quite so enormous? Look at this.
This is the wheel from our Suzuki Liana.
Compare it, if you will, to the wheel of the Rolls Royce.
And that is its engine! A 6.
7 litre V12.
Last time I was in anything with an engine that big, it had a captain! Everything about this car is vast.
To test it, I took it to the home of that other automotive colossus.
John Prescott.
LAUGHTER I went to Hull.
This is nice.
No rev counter - I have a "power reserve dial".
I'm doing 60 miles an hour and according to that, I've got 90% of the engine's power in reserve, just in case of emergencies.
That's good.
In the old Rolls Royces, the ones from the '60s and '70s, '80s even, there was wind noise, tyre noise, engine noise.
You could hear the clock at 100 miles an hour because it was loud! But this is like a whisper in the vestry.
HARSH TECHNO MUSIC It's a frugal car too.
I drove it to Yorkshire and got 18 miles to the gallon! It's quieter and more economical than I expected.
And it's easier to drive.
I imagined that driving this car through a village would be like trying to thread an oil rig through a letter box.
But it's not that difficult.
It's 14 miles long, but it's quite narrow.
It's six inches narrower than a Range Rover, so it's quite easy.
I'm not distracted by toys, either.
In most luxury cars there are lots of buttons which let you tailor everything, "just so".
Let me show you the radio as a prime example.
There's one knob.
Push it and Terry Wogan comes into the car.
Turn it, he gets louder.
Push it again and he goes away.
Then there's the gear arrangement.
Tiptronic? I don't think so.
I've got backwards, neutral and forwards.
And that's it.
It seems this car represents an old-fashioned approach to luxury motoring.
And I rather like that.
FOGHORN BLARES Normally, I must be honest, I don't find the doors on a car particularly interesting.
Unless SOFT CLUNK .
.
it doesn't have any.
But, look at this.
Not only does this open backwards, but in here we find an umbrella.
Rolls Royce is making a big deal about this.
Not sure why cos you get it on a Skoda Superb.
It's the only thing that's "superb" about it.
Inside I simply push this button here to close the door because obviously I can't be bothered to do it myself.
Then I'm cocooned in this world of elegant simplicity.
I love the leather and aluminium.
This Art Deco light in here, the handles and the roof.
That isfabulous.
Then you've got the thick carpets and these picnic tables.
You might think that the back is the best place to be.
Calming, nice.
But actually, the Rolls is amazingly good fun to drive.
Nought to 60 in 5.
7 seconds and a top speed of 150.
That's fast by anyone's standards, especially as the wheels don't appear to go round.
And it's not just good in a straight line either.
Don't misunderstand me.
It's far from sporty.
But it's not a hovercraft either.
I didn't want to like this car.
I wanted to say it was too big, too German, too vulgar.
But it's won me over.
Since it began, Rolls Royce said it makes the best car in the world.
Now, for 80 years that hasn't really been the case.
It is now, though! Once again, the Spirit of Ecstasy is just that.
And here we are, at journey's end.
The real reason for coming to Hullthe Humber Bridge.
For 17 years, the longest suspension bridge in the world.
The towers are one-and-a-half inches further apart at the top than the bottom, thanks to the curvature of the earth.
There's enough steel in the cabling here to go round the world twice.
It's British steel, British designed, British-engineered and British-built with British money.
We have the talent in this country to make stuff like this.
Sowhy can't we do it today? The design of this car is British.
The chief engineer who worked on it is British.
The engine comes from Germany.
So does the gearbox, the brakes, the suspension and body.
Even the leather on the seats comes from a flock of cows in Bavaria.
All we do in this country is put all the bits together and nail the dashboard in place.
It's pathetic.
This is a great car.
An awesome car.
A bit showy perhaps, and hard to park, but mostly a majestic, inspiring, serene and glorious blend of style and engineering.
I just wish it was like the Humber Bridge.
I wish it was something we could be proud of.
Thanks! You've made me feel good about being British and stupid.
And useless.
Sorry.
The British and Germans do good stuff.
The new Mini? Yep.
The Range Rover? Mmm.
And this.
You're absolutely right, actually.
Germans on their own are useless.
All leather shorts and oompah music designing a Mercedes Maybach.
Maybach's a case in point.
It costs the same - £250,000.
It's the same size, but it's just a stretch Mercedes.
They've shoved a branch of Dixons in the front and fitted DFS leatherette reclining sofas in the back.
This is the only true luxury car.
I can explain why.
Look.
Mmm.
They could've taken a big BMW and stuffed it full of kit, as you said.
But they went to this and thought, "What's luxury really about? " Not gadgets.
It's about peace and quiet, and light and air and space, big space.
You can't have a luxury caravan, can you? No.
Rolls Royce does have a problem.
I was talking to an Arab friend.
He's got a Ferrari F40, an F50, he's got an Enzo coming.
A Bentley, a Jaguar XJ220, a Porsche 959 and a Toyota Previa for his wife.
LAUGHTER He was saying, "I don't want a new Rolls Royce, they're too flash.
" Yes.
I look at that beautiful woman on the grille and do you know what I think? What? Jimmy Saville.
LAUGHTER And this is it.
This is the crux.
Rolls Royce has built a magnificent car.
They must be careful who they sell it to.
Nobody called James.
James Saville, James Greaves, no.
James Tarbuck, not a chance.
JamesYOU! James May, he can't have one either.
Sorry, mate.
So, the Cool Board.
Where does the Rolls go? Right now it has been "Tarbucked" with the Saville brush.
So it can only be uncool, I'm afraid.
But I'll put this proviso on it.
It'll stay there till I open Heat magazine and there's one outside a nightclub with a member of AC/DC falling out into a pool of his own sick.
LAUGHTER Then it's gonna go straight there.
It'll never happen.
Sadly, no rock star will ever buy the Rolls Royce.
It's too big to fit in a swimming pool.
The Ferrari Enzo? Mmm.
Three of these sold in this country so far.
I think, all of them to rock stars? True enough.
Eric Clapton has one.
Jay Kay has got one and the drummer of Pink Floyd is getting one.
Even with the rock star effect, it is not cool.
What do we think? It's trying too hard.
Hold on a minute, why is the Enzo cool? It's got everything that the McLaren F1 was ten years ago.
For that, it's cool.
I nodded off in the middle of that! Where they're going wrong is this - the Kristin Scott Thomas test.
Precisely.
Here she is, look.
If you pull up to take her out in a Ferrari Enzo, she'll say, "No, can we go in my husband's Laguna?" I've got the new Audi A3.
Cool.
No, that's uncool! There's a man here I happen to know has an A3.
They're wonderful cars to drive.
You've got a beard! So?! LAUGHTER If you're gonna have an Audi, buy an Audi not a VW Golf that looks like an Audi.
I think that's an uncool car.
No, it isn't.
It's uncool! I know he's got a beard, but that's a cool car.
Wrong! No, it's cool.
And if you wanna do something about it LAUGHTER I like a reasoned debate.
Now, I think that's pretty much I'm gonna put this Alfa up here.
AUDIENCE: No! Yes! Yes.
Thank you, yes.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE JeryT Thank you.
A few weeks ago, there were some local elections and the turnout was dreadful.
People started wailing about voter apathy and the death of democracy.
It's got nothing to do with any of that.
It's cos voting is boring! So we thought we could revolutionise democracy by deciding the result of the next election using an MG ZR race car.
The major political parties have sent representatives to take part and the first is from the Legalise Cannabis Alliance.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Big party? Small.
This is Mark Gibson.
From the Official Monster Raving Loony Party Hooray! Whoo! .
.
this is Alan "Howling Laud" Hope.
Alan has no experience of this sort of thing, but does have a Hyundai and a cat that died recently.
High hopes here! From the Green Party, Ian Dickson.
Hello.
You do know what you're here to do? Yes.
There's no bus lane and you'll have to take your cycle clips off.
From the Liberal Democrat Party, John Ault.
AUDIENCE BOOS LAUGHTER It's getting scary in here! Now, I don't know if this is right, but you're the only Lib Dem opposed to speed bumps.
I don't like them unless there's two together so I can jump the second! From Labour, Richard Burden.
Wahey! It's one.
You have done some racing.
Bits and pieces.
Finally, from the Tory party Finally, from the Tory party AUDIENCE BOOS .
.
the Shadow Defence Secretary himself, Bernard Jenkin.
This isn't him, obviously.
Bernard can't make it here tonight because he's in Iraq.
I don't know why you'd want to be in Iraq.
That's your fault! Your boss was told by his boss in America to have a war and he did and Bernard can't be here.
Gone.
I haven't.
He made it for the big day.
Yes.
Just think, by the end of tonight we could have a new government.
We'll find out how they all did a bit later on.
First, the news.
Anyone who's seen an aerial photo of London will have noticed the blue bus lane running through the middle.
It's the Thames.
Get buses off the road and make them go on the river.
We've had a letter from a company this week, saying they've built such a thing.
Look at that.
It's a bus boat.
It's goes down the river and pulls out at the far end.
That's fantastic! The bloke says he wants backing.
You won't get any from us.
We spend our money on petrol and crisps.
But anything that gets buses off the road is a good idea.
Spending time in traffic is no fun.
We all have to do that.
This is a new service.
It's called "motor flirting".
Motor what? Flirting? Motor flirting.
Members display a sticker in the back window of their car with the logo on it.
Another member, when they see that they think, "They look nice, " they can contact this service, give them the reg and they can send text messages to that person.
Fat ugly blokes will be sending each other text messages! Him! Him! They will be texting each other! "Instead of gazing through the windscreen, text the motorist you fancy! " There you go, have that! I can straightaway see another use for this.
You can contact people in other cars.
You're on the motorway.
Say it's not foggy.
And somebody in front has their fog light on.
You can send them a playful text message to the effect Turn it off! Turn it off.
Precisely! The Queen of England had a Rover P5.
I know because I'm sitting in it.
This IS the Queen's Rover P5.
When she ordered this, she had a fleet of Rolls Royces.
They were chauffeur-driven.
This, she drove herself.
This was more your midweek luxury.
There were two shapes - the upright saloon and the coupe which, despite being the coupe, still had four doors.
But it's this lowered roof line that butches up the image and makes it look more caddish.
Inside it was the poor man's Roller, but still luxurious.
The holy trinity are here - leather, wood and shag pile.
It's solid, regal and dignified.
"Gentleman's club on wheels" may be a tired cliche today, but it was actually coined for this car.
It was the backbone of England.
Harold Wilson had one and he had a pipe rest fitted to it.
CHEERING AND BOOING Maggie Thatcher, when she drove round shouting at trade unionists, she had one.
But beneath that cosy tradition lay modernity.
It was Rover's first use of a monocoque shell.
It could've handled worse than a Sumo wrestler at a roller disco - it barely had enough power to challenge the most rotten chassis.
It struggled along with Rover's flaccid 3L from 1958-1967.
Yeah, the P5 would do 65mph, but it took 17 seconds to get there.
And yes it would do 100mph but not without a fight.
In 1967, the Rover P5 got the engine it deserved.
And the Rover 3.
5L V8 was born.
She finally had enough grunt to shake the rough shag out of Wilson's pipe.
It does make a nice noise.
That is a great noise! The trees are moving a bit faster, too.
Shame it happened in the year his transport minister, Barbara Castle, introduced the 70mph speed limit.
So the 3.
5L V8 engine Rover P5B coupe is the one to go for if you're buying one today.
You can get a really good one for £8,000 and a really, really good one closer to £11,000.
Like an elderly relative, it will need care and attention and you'll have to keep an eye on it.
It hasn't got satellite-navigated, remote-controlled airbag gizmos.
But it has something else.
It has innate luxuriousness.
Ingrained.
The Rover had luxury built into it.
It's as English as an oven glove with cats on.
Just think how comforting its upright posture must've been to the ex-public schoolboys running the banks, industry and, indeed, the nation.
When you're used to cold baths and cross-country runs, a Rover P5 must've been a welcome sight.
It's a plate of mashed potato on a refectory table.
I want to call it Nursey - I bet some people did.
Just like Nursey, the P5's starchy exterior conceals a warm and comforting bosom that makes everything all right with the world.
Channel Four ran a programme and named the 100 worst Britons.
I was a deserving 66.
But my guest tonight thrashed me.
Welcome Britain's 28th worst person, Jamie Oliver! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That was a man.
I thought it was a bird.
I think his name's Cindy.
It isn't Cindy, mate.
It's a bloke.
As it's our luxury programme, have a Rocher.
Thanks.
Maltesers that have won the Pools.
They get stuck in my throat.
We glued them together.
Let's talk about cars - no, your scooter.
Yeah.
Why do you have a scooter? The scooter's the fastest method of travel in London.
I'm fed up with sitting in traffic in London.
Drives me mad.
The scooter I'd beat any Ferrari in London.
3am, Baker Street.
LAUGHTER You had a crash on it on television.
Several - oh, God, lately, yeah! Tell the nice people what happened.
We were in Chicago and went on the Oprah Winfrey Show, quite exciting.
And they did this little VT of the things I've done.
"With Jamie Oliver! " And I drove in between the audience.
A very proud moment - this beautifully lit studio, wonderful flowers and Oprah smiling.
You know when cars slip and you correct it? There was none of that.
I just went straight on the floor and I skidded on my front about four or five metres.
They had an awkward family of eaters from Chicago at a table for four and I was going straight for them.
It was really scary, but great.
Did they leave it in? They did, yeah.
They thought I was a stunt man.
Having a scooter is better than your car.
It's a bit cold and wet.
And you've got a Maserati.
Yeah.
What possessed you to do that? It looks beautiful, they're great value.
They're very fast, they sound beautiful.
Do you not agree, guys? They won't agree! Oh They know about cars.
That's why they're here.
But you drive a hairdresser's car what can you say! Your Stig took me out in it and I've never been so scared in my life.
And erm he crashed it.
Did he? He crashed it on the corner and smashed up the wheels.
How did he do it? After, he said, "I'm sorry about that.
"I could've missed that ditch, but I wanted to show you how it goes sideways.
" Thanks very much.
Seriously.
I'm sorry to have to do this We rang your restaurant to find out what you and your business know about cars.
It's 15, yeah? Yeah.
If you ring, a recorded message says you can have lunch in Three or four months? July.
And for dinner you have to wait till December.
A long time.
So we said, "Could we have a table for four, for Nigel Mansell?" Guess when he can have a table.
Three or four months? Friday.
Really? You don't want "mono-brow" in your restaurant, OK? It was a trick, so cross him out of the book OK Don't forget - we are a charity.
Do you know what's funnier? The next day we booked for Gilles Villeneuve.
He's dead! You know what I did? I phoned and pretended to be you, and they wouldn't give me a table till December! You are an Essex boy, yeah? Yes.
Do you do the Essex thing with cars - tart them up I think it's the lead in the water or something, but everyone buys dodgy cars and does 'em up with spoilers At one point my car was worth £800, and my stereo £1,300! It's just pathetic, but I was there, so I'm guilty.
But you're still at it today - you've got a camper van.
Oh, yeah.
But not a normal camper van.
It's beautiful.
Just talk us through it.
It's behind us! I love it dearly.
I just wish it worked more reliably.
What have you done to that? I've kept it pretty original, but I've got a pull-out double bed, a kitchen, TV, DVD and all that sort of stuff.
But I have got a Porsche 3.
6L engine in the back, which We had this brilliant idea, where we thought we'd see if Jamie could cook in his van, while going round our track with the Stig driving.
Anyone want to see what happened? AUDIENCE: Yes! What we'll make is a beautiful salad of mozzarella, fig, rocket, mint - all those beautiful things.
I wanna tear up my mozzarella I wanna take the tips off my figs.
Oh, my Lord And what I wanna do, is put the olive oil in Just dress the salad Aaaaah! Still making the salad! If you toss this up and put it on there Hopefully, it'll look nice.
That was horrible, and I felt really sick afterwards.
Was he going for it? He was, but I couldn't see anything.
I wanted to show off and make it good - "Whatever he does, I'll make it look beautiful.
" But when the car went, I was like, "Aaaargh.
" You're not here just to fool around on our track with your Maserati.
You're the Star In A Reasonably Priced Car.
You see how fast Yeah! I forgot about this! .
.
A Suzuki Liana.
Here's a list of people who've done it, in this and the last series.
Is there anyone you'd like to beat? Who do you think I wanted to beat? AUDIENCE: Gordon Ramsay.
He's a good friend of mine and I've spent my life chasing him, and I want to beat him once.
But Gordon did it in exactly the same time as me, so you'll beat me too.
That's all right.
Shall we see how you got on? If I beat you I'll be the happiest boy in the world.
And the deadest.
Let's have a look.
Gordon had a better start than that.
You should have gone to Specsavers! Your window's down! You won't beat Gordon, cos he had his window up! Yes, my son! That is really tight there.
Did I hit the camera? No.
Gordon had finished by now and opened another restaurant.
Nice cornering! That's neat as well.
And across the line Soyou wanted to beat Gordon Ramsay Yes, pleasewho's here.
Please Gordon, you've got your Michelin star, this is mine.
He's got more than one Michelin star.
OK, he's got several.
Jamie Oliver, you have to beat one minute 50.
Yeah.
You did it in one minutefifty .
.
seconds.
YES! CHEERING You needn't think it'll look like that next week.
Have a bottle of Babycham.
Thanks.
Thank you for coming.
You have been brilliant.
Ladies and gentlemen - Jamie Oliver! That's great! Right, this is THE performance car yardstick.
It's the BMW M3.
You can use it every day, OR take it to a track.
It'll set your trousers on fire.
Couple of things to know.
Avoid the sequential gearbox which is rubbish and ruins the whole thing.
Another thing to avoid.
Want to guess? CROWD: The colour! Colour.
I mean I won't have the red, blue or black one, I'll have bile yellow! AUDIENCE LAUGHS So, avoid that and the gearbox, and really, you can't do better.
Or can you? This is the new Audi S4.
It doesn't look like much, but they've put a V8 under the bonnet.
A big one.
They've given it more doors than the BMW and more grip, in the shape of four-wheel drive.
Then, there's the price.
At £36,000, it's £3,000 LESS than the M3.
So, this is Audi's lump hammer, built to break BMW's nut.
ENGINES REV So, has it worked? TYRES SCREECH ENGINE ROARS Amazingly, despite all Audi's hard work, in a simple race down our runway, this was the result You see, although the Audi has 1,000 more cc and two more cylinders, it only develops one more brake horsepower.
But what happens when the road gets twisty? TYRES SQUEAL Being four-wheel drive, the Audi is the opposite of a barbecue - it's better when wet.
But it's also very good in the dry.
The handling is ABSOLUTELY sublime.
This is harnessed lunacy.
But I still don't think it's as much fun as the unhinged M3.
That's the thing about the Audi.
The engine is a masterpiece.
It really is.
And it's beautifully made and very safe.
But in terms of sheer entertainment, it's like a dinner party - civilised conversation, glass of wine, a bit of Sade on the stereo.
Now the BMW, on the other hand, that's more like a 2am Ibiza beach barbecue.
TYRES SCREECH So, there you have it.
The yob .
.
and the provincial solicitor.
The Audi is better value, more practical and more grown-up.
The BMW is more of a hoot and, in a straight line, quicker.
But we do have one more test to do - to see which is the fastest round our tracks.
That means breaking out The Stig.
That's a problem - he's been to Nashville and developed a penchant for Country & Western.
Yee-ha! AUDIENCE LAUGHS Right, first up, the BMW.
343 HP, rear-wheel drive, 160kg lighter than the Audi.
Not much can keep up with this.
It's VERY tidy through the hammerhead and Woah-ho - that's seriously quick! The S4 will need to be pretty special to get close to this.
Here is the Audi.
Four-wheel drive.
What is The Stig listening to? COUNTRY & WESTERN MUSIC PLayS Looking good so far.
Little bit of understeer, but that's not really slowed him down.
It's the hammerhead.
It's THE test for heavy cars - will it run wide? No, he's kept it in check.
God As he blasts into the follow-through A seriously quick car - fantastic V8 engine, almost as good as the BMW's.
One more corner He's running very wide.
And it's across the line in Actually, we'll have to do the BMW time first.
That did it in one minute 31.
8 - quicker than an Esprit V8.
However, the Audi S4, which we know is slower in a straight line, did it in one minute 30.
9 - nearly a second quicker! Just off the Murcielago! What about in the wet? It's funny you should mention that.
I was talking to a racing driver who'd been out in a Lister Storm, in a race, and it poured with rain.
They sent out the safety car, which was an Audi RS4.
It was going round to bunch them all up, and the bloke in the Lister Storm got on the car-to-pit radio and said, "Slow him down, I can't keep up! " They're very good in the wet AND dry.
So what will you have, Jeremy? For one lap of a track the M3 is the one I'd choose, but every day The Audi.
The Audi.
It's time to sort the big political issue.
That's not foundation hospitals or Clare Short, but which is the fastest political party? First up, the Tories.
I'm gonna set your music going.
Good luck, take care.
Thank you.
Go! TYRES SCREECH And clearly Bernard's not for turning.
Doh! Yes he is.
MUSIC PLayS: "Jerusalem" by Parry Is it me or is that naffest PA ever? A pretty good performance from the Tories, but he could still lose his deposit.
CLOCK CHIMES Hold on, I've just got to stop everything here because there has been a complaint.
Iain Duncan Smith is going to send a letter to Greg Dyke, complaining that the BBC is biased against the Tory party.
The BBC is taking this very seriously, and so are we! We saw Bernard Jenkin go round our dry test track and set his time.
Then we made the other candidates wait a little bit until this.
Take care out there.
Be brave.
Here's your music.
I'll give you a count-off, OK? Good luck.
OK.
ENGINE REVS For Lib Dem, that was very, "We went that way, and that was it.
" Down the middle.
Really decisive.
And a well-fought campaign there.
But is it a safe seat? CLOCK CHIMES I don't even have a licence - I can't drive! Oh, dear.
CLOCK CHIMES I have my suspicions that he might just be a ringer.
He's clearly not a ringer.
I've just seen what's going There's some interesting gear change action occurring.
AUDIENCE LAUGH Hmm Could this be a wasted vote? REGGAE MUSIC PLayS Yeah, that's chilled.
Fire it up.
ENGINE REVS Things are probably coming up faster for him.
Mmm! Bit of a shock.
I'm guessing.
Of course, the question is, is he gonna roll? After the race, probably.
CLOCK CHIMES The Greens.
Watch out for rabbits and stuff.
Thank you.
If I do I'll bring it back.
I'll leave you to it.
This will make you feel better.
MUSIC: "What A Wonderful World" by The Ramones ENGINE REVS AND TYRES SQUEAL The world's first ecologically sound wheel-spin there.
He left his indicator on.
Yeah.
I don't suppose that'll slow him up.
Uh-oh.
It looks like the Green Party's about to have a big impact on the environment.
But no, he's saved it.
CLOCK CHIMES But now, our current leaders.
This is the original for you.
MUSIC STRIKES UP Start your engine.
I'll give you a count off.
ENGINE REVS Oh dear.
Still, things can only get better.
We can expect a bit of spin from the Labour Party.
Wahey! There's no spin, but typically, Labour don't know whether to go to the left or the right of the line.
But he was soon back on message.
CLOCK CHIMES Now, just before you write in to complain, there was a bit of a brouhaha following that.
Some went in the wet, some in the dry.
All those who went in the wet had another go this morning.
So, these are the official results.
As the official returning officer for Top Gear, here they are.
In sixth place, Alan "Howling Laud" Hope Official Monster Raving Loony.
.
.
with two minutes, 13.
In fifth place, Bernard Jenkin MP Conservative.
.
.
with one minute 41.
8.
In fourth place, Ian Dixon Green.
.
.
with a time of one minute And in third place, Richard Burden, MP Labourone minute, 38.
8.
And that means, ladies and gentleman, we have a new opposition.
And that is Mark Gibson Legalise Cannabis Alliance.
.
.
With a time of one minute, 36.
5.
And we have a new government this evening, ladies and gentlemen.
To lead that is John Ault Lib DemocratWith one minute, 33.
9.
CHEERS And here is your reward.
It's a safe seat.
It came out of a Volvo, so enjoy that.
There aren't many Liberal Democrat safe seats, but thank you.
So, round of applause there.
Good night.