Tracey Breaks the News (2017) s02e02 Episode Script
Series 2, Episode 2
1 This news just in.
The markets don't like uncertainty.
Oil pipeline in the pipeline.
Let me be clear.
Off the record.
How do I put this? And the answer is We're out! # She wants to be like She wants to see like # She wants to walk a mile in their shoes # Every day a new sensation How do you break it to the nation? # Tracey's going to break the news # She wants to say this She wants to play this # She really hopes that nobody sues # Every day a new sensation Take it to the waking nation She's going to faking well break the news! Have you seen this? After all that talk of David Davis resigning, people are saying I should be replaced by Michael Gove.
Oh, no, that's never going to happen.
I should think not.
No, I've got 50 quid on Jacob Rees-Mogg, and a novelty bet on Matt LeBlanc .
.
to replace you when you retire in 20 years' time.
Hey, guys! Welcome to the show.
You've all heard about Fortnite, the game young people can't seem to get enough of.
Well, some viewers have contacted me saying they're worried about their loved ones becoming addicted.
Put them off forever with the hardest, most impossible-to-win version of Fortnite yet .
.
Fortnite Battle Brexit.
I'm going to be David Davis.
I'll be Liam Fox.
You start out as one big team, then slowly turn on each other.
It's just like being in the Cabinet.
I've jumped from the battle bus but haven't got a parachute, what do I do? I've got absolutely no idea, what are our objectives? God knows, it's total chaos.
Oh, God, an army of Michel Barniers, what weapons do you have? I'm checking.
Oh, too late.
I'm covered in red tape.
It might feel like you're getting somewhere, but not for long.
Why can't I find any trade deals? I was told there were trade deals in this building.
I can't make any progress, Philip Hammond's in the way.
Move! Move! I can't, it seems to be his default setting.
There's Vince Cable trying to trigger a second referendum.
Oh, just step over him.
And there's always a ticking clock in the corner of the screen.
You must finish by 29th of March 2019.
We're running out of time.
This isn't possible.
So, yeah, I'd recommend Fortnite Battle Brexit.
Oh, this is doing my nut in, forget this.
I'm going to go write that essay I've been meaning to do for the past five weeks.
Yeah, and I've just remembered I've got a girlfriend.
Oh, no, I don't.
From Epic Fail Games.
Are you sure about this? It's fine.
He's a friend of the family, he's a neighbour.
And he's got a very responsible job.
It'll be fine.
Thank you so much for doing this at such short notice.
We should be back by 10.
30 but any problems, our mobile number's there, just give us a call, OK? Um, any questions, Mr Gove? No.
I'm completely confident in my ability to look after this human infant.
And you are absolutely right to put your trust in me in regard to this matter.
Great, well, we'll see you in a few hours.
Have a wonderful time.
And may I just say that you have my absolute and categorical assurance that I won't sell it.
Sorry? The infant.
I won't sell it.
Why would you sell him? I wouldn't.
I just assured you of that.
Then why mention it? To put your mind at ease, to give you a cast-iron assurance that I would neither sell it nor leave it unsupervised when I go shopping.
You can't leave him unsupervised.
Yes, I know, and I wouldn't .
.
any more than I would eat it.
You know what? I'm actually feeling a little tired.
Yeah, I think we might give it a miss tonight.
Right-ho.
Let me give you back that thing you gave me.
Always nice to interact with humans.
I mean, fellow humans.
Don't worry, I'll let myself out the front door.
I certainly won't go out the back way and rifle through your bins.
And you have my word on that.
OK.
Shush.
H&M is to change its UK womenswear sizes after years of complaints from customers that the clothes are far smaller than labelled.
So, let me get this straight.
They've agreed to make their clothes the size they say they are on the label.
Wow.
Big round of applause, H&M.
Or should that be extra small round of applause? Labour Live tickets! Get your tickets here for the UK's biggest politics/music/vegan basket-weaving festival.
Make sure you get them here and not on Viagogo, although they are quite a bit cheaper on there.
Hello, John.
What are you looking so worried about? Is this right, we're struggling to sell tickets for the Labour festival thing next week? Sales have been ever so slightly sluggish, John, that's why I thought I'd pop down here and sprinkle on a bit of the old JC stardust.
Ah, here we go.
Hello.
Can I have two tickets for A Bat Out Of Hell, please? OK, no, these are strictly Labour Live tickets.
Oh, right.
What about The Lion King? Can you go away, please? It says here we've only sold 20% so far.
People said I'd only get 20% of the vote in the general election, John, but what did I end up with? 39.
8%.
Exactly.
And you can't do better than that.
Now Len McCluskey's giving away 1,000 free tickets.
This isn't going to turn into a fiasco, is it? Calm down, John.
It's true we've had to adjust the ticketing strategy a bit, but it's not like we're bussing people in.
We're bussing people in.
Unite are paying for free coaches.
Jeremy, they're saying we could lose a million quid on this.
It'll be fine.
Excuse me.
You're Jeremy Corbyn, aren't you? Would you like a selfie, young lady? Ah, no, it's just that my mate thought that you were Noel Edmonds.
Told you! Maybe we need to do something to create a bit of publicity.
Well, I did plug it on Twitter the other day.
You know, some of our lot on there are a bit much.
Somebody ought to tell them to tone it down a touch.
How about we announce a really radical new policy like, nationalising the dairy industry? That's rather Stalinist.
Thanks very much.
That wasn't a compliment, John.
We could do with getting me back on the front pages.
Maybe people just aren't that excited about us any more.
They are saying that we've passed peak Corbyn.
I don't believe that, do you? I think we're still in the foothills.
And there, up ahead of us, is a glorious snow-covered mountain top of pure and perfect socialism.
So let's, you and me, put our crampons back on, John, and get Britain to that summit! The workers.
The workers.
Ooh, is this the place for Labour Live tickets? It sure is, my friend.
Great, because I've got these two spares, and I literally cannot give them away.
Can I return them? Or swap them? Actually, I do have a couple of tickets for a matinee of Dream Girls, if you're interested, but I have to warn you they are restricted view.
No, that's much better, thanks.
So, let's get started.
What are we going to do to fix this timetable business which is turning into a bit of an? Unmitigated disaster.
OK, we're actually saying that, are we? Any ideas? I've been thinking, you know, traditionally, we work out what time trains arrive, and then try to get the trains to arrive at that time.
But what if we just see when the trains turn up, write it down, and say that's the timetable? Perhaps we need to drill down into why the trains aren't arriving when they should be.
Well, it's a combination of poor planning, mismanagement, staff shortages, ageing infrastructure, and a crippling lack of investment.
It could be drilled out a little less deeply than that.
Sorry I'm late, bloody trains.
Oh, no.
Terrible.
Right, now, erm, I've had a little think about this BOTH: Unmitigated disaster.
Oh, right, we're actually saying that, are we? OK, well, I wondered if we could use different words.
For example, perhaps we could call this one the 12.
37-ish.
Or leave the times but change the places.
I mean, the 8.
34 from Halifax did leave at 8.
34 this morning, just not from Halifax.
Do we even need the trains to turn up at all? Perhaps we just need better excuses for why they're not there.
Well, we agreed on this.
You blame the slow-running service in front because it's the one direction you can't see from a train.
It's perfect.
It still makes it feel like it's our fault.
We could say the driver got mauled by a lion.
We can't say that, they'd never believe us.
Have we got a lion? At the risk of sounding like one of our customers, I don't feel at all comfortable.
No wonder the timetables don't work.
It's the strike.
There isn't a strike.
Exactly! For the first time in years, we've got actual drivers driving actual trains right across the network.
No wonder it's clogged up.
Oh! Sorry I'm late! Trains were a nightmare.
Actually, I ought to head off if I'm going to catch the four o'clock.
Oh, Christ, is that the time? There's only one direct service an hour now, so I should probably Me too.
Will they ever fix these engineering works, eh? Are you coming? God, no, I drove in, the trains at the moment are awful.
Coming soon to ITV2, Love Ireland! But only the northern bit! Now they've finished filming Game Of Thrones, Northern Ireland needed something else cut-throat, fictional and full of gratuitous sex.
It's another beautiful summer's day in County Antrim, and the gang are getting to know each other.
So, tell us a bit about you, Arlene.
Regarding the customs union issue, maintenance of the same rules and regulations as the rest of the UK are a red line for me.
And Downing Street are aware of that.
Oh, safe.
I run a gym in Southend.
The girls are in the bedroom whispering so nobody knows what they're saying, And the boys are looking hot.
I'm bigging your obligatory six-pack.
Oh, yeah, mate, I've been putting in some serious gym time.
It's working for you, bruv, you look well sick! No! Homosexuality is an abomination.
Oh, no, Arlene, we're not gay, we're just self-obsessed narcissists.
Coming soon, Love Ireland.
It's just like Stormont here.
We've got nothing in common.
Sure we do, we've all got chlamydia.
Speak for yourself! Hey, kids, turn that frown upside down, your daddy'll be home any minute now.
# Who's the leader of the gang that's made for you and me R-U-P-E-R-T M-O-U-S-E! Yay, it's Rupert Mouse! HALF-HEARTEDLY: Yay.
Yay.
Just back from Disney HQ, kids.
It's like a home from home.
They've got a Goofy there too.
Ha-ha.
And a Dopey.
Ha-ha.
Not forgetting the Beauty.
Oh, does that make you the Beast? Only in the bedroom.
Oh! So, how was your meeting with the mouse? Well, it turns out it's not an actual mouse, just some guys in suits but I reckon we can do business.
Please don't sell Fox to them.
Yeah, it's not fair.
I can sell it to SpongeBob SquarePants if I wanted to.
If I could only get hold of his people.
We're Murdochs, we don't sell, we buy.
Not any more, we've got to face facts.
Compared to the likes of Google, Fox is a Mickey Mouse operation.
So now it is going to be a Mickey Mouse operation.
Besides, it was Jerry's idea.
BOTH: What! Well, kids, Disney is our retirement plan.
And what better place to live happily ever after than Disneyland? Ride after ride, up and down, screaming your heart out, and then we'll do the rollercoasters! Please, Dad, don't do it.
You kids are going to have to learn to stand on your own two feet.
Your stepmother's right.
When I started out, all I owned was one lousy newspaper, and I built an empire out of hard work, and being a bastard.
So I'm doing you a favour, kids.
When I check out, I'm just leaving you this.
One lousy newspaper company? No, just this actual newspaper.
Just give me one more chance.
"What do you say, Pinocchio? "Shall we give the most shit of the two useless shits another chance?" "Yes, Jiminy, that's a great idea.
" Whooo! Oh, Rupert! You're almost as talented an actor as I am! Hard luck, bro.
He said you were a useless shit too.
He said you were the most shit.
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Boys, boys! Stop fighting.
I'll get you both a job at Disney.
Seriously? Really? Yeah, Disneyland Paris.
They can use a couple of Dumbos! Right, you, let's get you upstairs.
I've got a use for a pair of Minnie Mouse ears that Walt would not approve of! In transport news, the Cabinet has approved plans for a third runway at Heathrow.
Boris Johnson says he will lie down in front of bulldozers to stop the construction.
Wow, that's quite a high-risk strategy, Boris.
Not sure that will stop construction.
VOICEOVER: My name's Fiona, I was a top glamour model back in the day.
I started my career with Peter Stringfellow, God rest his soul.
But once I got too old for it, you know, hit the big 2-3, I needed a new challenge so I started my agency, Dolly Birds Management for dolly birds.
It's been very successful .
.
until now.
And you are absolutely sure? Bye, then.
That's another one gone! The Birmingham Fridge And Freezer Show.
Yeah.
Apparently, having girls in swimsuits showing off the new Zanussi is no longer appropriate.
The world's gone mad! First they got rid of grid girls from Formula 1, now we've lost the darts, lost the boxing, two of our five ready-salted peanut accounts, and people say, why don't they just do something else? But some young women are actually allergic to clothes, and they need to work too.
So we have diversified.
We've got Chloe, lovely Chloe, working in a GPs' waiting room.
Number seven! Dr Richards is ready to see you about your bowel infection.
Tanya and Lucy, they're doing a lovely job hosting at the Keighley police station.
And Zoe is the new star at the Aylesbury morgue.
Is this your husband? So I think the Dolly Birds agency has a future.
What I say to the world is, whenever you need someone to bring a smile and a bubbly personality, my ladies will be there.
And if you try to touch them I'll break your fingers.
Looking forward to the G7, dear? I mean, I know you're not, but it's polite to ask.
No, I'm not looking forward to it.
Everyone is furious because of Trump's metal tariffs, and I should be on the same side as the Europeans but it's awkward because of that word.
Oh, Brexit.
Pound in the box.
So I'm going to need all of your support while I'm there.
Oh, I'm not going.
Melania and I have decided to give it a miss.
Oh.
You chat with Melania now? PHONE BEEPS I suppose that's her.
No.
It's Brigitte Macron.
I've set up a little WhatsApp group for us all.
I called it Leaders' Wives.
Little joke.
Why is that a joke? Well It's not really.
Well, if you're not going to Canada, why do you have a case packed? I always have one packed in case we have to leave Downing Street at short notice.
Why would we have to leave at short notice? No reason.
Oh, it's impossible.
I have to keep close to Trump because we need a trade deal, and keep close to the EU because Trump won't stick to deals, and David Davis keeps saying he's close to resigning over our deal with the EU.
Don't want to end up with that no-deal Brexit doomsday scenario.
£5 in the box, please.
I know what I should do.
I've got to stand up to Trump, like the Prime Minister of global Britain that I am, and I'll tell him that we all depend on a worldwide network of free trade, and then he'll tweet something mean about me, and I'll ask him not to, and then he'll tweet something really foul, and I'll ask him to at least spell my name right, and then Oh Maybe I won't go.
Think about the duty-free shoes.
What do you wear in Canada in June? Well, their summer starts tomorrow and ends later tomorrow, so I'd say dress for autumn.
And it'll be winter by the end of the week.
PHONE BEEPS Oh, it's Brigitte.
It says, "See you in Quebec.
"We're all going out for ice hockey and cheesy chips.
" Do you know, I think maybe I will come after all? Oh, you will, will you? Hmph! What a comfort! And I'm already packed, so that's handy.
The CEO of Qatar Airways has apologised for saying that only a man could do his job.
What job is that? Making sexist generalisations? You're right.
Only a man could do that.
Oh, no! Look! I can do it too! Oleg, Masha, you are coming on a special trip to America.
OMG.
We're going to Universal Studios.
We are not going to Universal Studios.
No.
We are going on an important mission to Washington.
They've been hiding the Melania robot away.
Even the President is starting to become suspicious.
Without it, Russia only has 129 other ways of influencing America.
Delivery for the President.
American baseball caps.
They are very American.
As are we.
I thought she was running OK.
He's not here.
He's playing golf.
Golf.
Golf She keeps malfunctioning since they gave her a job, campaigning against cyberbullying.
But her husband is World's number one cyberbully.
Exactly.
No computer brain in the world could deal with such a contradiction.
That is why we have to feed her with this - a logic bypass chip.
How are you? How are you? I've been through a little rough patch.
Be best.
Fake news.
News.
News Hello, Doctor.
Nice distracting, Oleg! Any time! RUSSIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM BEEPS That is the rebooting noise.
Does it work? We will soon find out.
Melaniabot, what are immigrants? Bad people.
And what are you? An immigrant.
And do you see a problem with that? No.
The logic bypass works.
America first.
My jewellery is made in China.
Good job, guys.
Where is Donald? He looks so sexy in his tennis clothes.
ELECTRONIC BUZZING No, he doesn't.
He looks like old sack of donkey guts.
I don't want to make sex to you, donkey guts.
It's going to be a long night.
Donkey guts.
Donkey guts Jerry, come on, before the pill wears off.
Rupe, I told you, not right now.
I'm busy.
Busy with what? What the hell is a carer's allowance? Well, you can apply for money from the government if you take care of a senior citizen.
Why? What senior citizen do you look after? Oh, for Christ's sake, Jerry! We're billionaires! Why the hell are you applying for that pittance? Well, Mick always used to make me do it.
Unbelievable.
Put your pen down.
I'm taking you for lunch at the finest eatery in town.
For real? My own Big Mac or just one patty each? Honestly, that man! OK, everyone, welcome.
This support group is for people who are so woke that they are finding it impossible to have any fun at all.
We have somebody new with us this week, so would you like to introduce yourself? Hi, I'm Oscar.
Uh I think, like a lot of you guys, for me it started with the little things - signing an online petition, going to a march.
Well, before I knew it, I was writing to the Guardian about LGBT representation in the Harry Potter books.
Which is shocking, by the way! All right, Lily, we've all read your blog.
Don't worry, Oscar, you've come to the right place.
All the young people in this room are ruining their lives by being overly virtuous.
That's actually a micro-aggression, to say "young people", because it carries subconscious bias towards the elderly.
Actually, what you're doing is denying agency to the elderly, which is arguably much worse.
This is what I'm talking about, you see? It's a slippery slope.
One minute you're carrying a reusable water bottle - fine, and the next minute you're arguing that water is racist.
Oh, my God, is water racist? No, no.
It's just an example.
Right, how did you guys get on with the homework that I set you? "Guys" isn't an especially inclusive term.
Not now, Jamie.
By homework do you mean having to watch that old people sitcom? It's called Friends, Lily, and you were supposed to watch it and enjoy it.
Well, I tried, but I found it deeply problematic.
Why? Well, there's the homophobia, the transphobia, the fattism, the slut-shaming, and could Chandler BE any more annoying? You can't go through your 20s worrying about every aspect of everything.
You have to pick your battles, and just remember that it doesn't really matter because by the time you hit your 30s, most of you are going to be massively right-wing anyway.
Have any of you started to think that maybe poor people don't deserve benefits? No.
Well, watch out for that one, because that's how it starts.
Look, I understand this has all been a bit much for some of you, so let's take five and have a Hobnob.
I find the word Hobnob very phallocentric.
Fuck off, Jamie.
Any roots showing? Not on my vatch.
Birgit, have you seen this? All these poor actresses earning less than their male co-stars.
I mean, come on, people! It's 2018.
It's disgusting, is vat it is.
Ja.
These poor woman living in the shadow of this male-led system in which they are horribly outnumbered and over Birgit, vat if all the male world leaders are earning big bucks and I am making half of what they do? Vat if I am Michelle Williams and they are a big bunch of Mark Wahlbergs? Don't be so ridiculous.
You are not Michelle Williams.
Although Although you do look like sisters.
But there's no way the Greek PM is earning more than you.
Oh, I didn't mean the Greek one.
He probably makes less than you do! No, but what about the Putins and the Trudeaus and the Macrons? Ja, but that is not a fair comparison.
Trudeau and Macron make a fortune from calendars alone.
And Putin bare-chested on that horse sells an awful lot for a country vith no gays.
Maybe I'll just call Theresa and ask her vat she gets.
Ja, but she gets paid in British pounds, so whatever it is, it von't vork out as very much any more.
Ja, that's true.
Maybe I'll just Google it.
There must be some kind of graph or chart or Whoa! Well, that puts my mind at ease.
So you're doing OK? Well, let's just say you can reorder the buns and biscuits with the chocolate layer on top.
Ooh! And some Duchy Originals.
I'm not doing THAT well.
International news, and it has been confirmed that Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un are to meet on Sentosa Island, half a kilometre off the coast of Singapore.
Hey, do you think they could get them to meet another half a kilometre off that? You know, in the sea? That might be a better way to achieve world peace.
Hello.
I'm Kirstie Allsopp, and I'm off to Calm down, kids! It's a real treat to travel in the boot! And I'm off to help relocate some people whose central London property is getting a bit long in the tooth.
Recently, chunks of masonry have been falling off it.
Geoffrey, Sarah and their friend Black Rod Black Rod! .
.
have to relocate to suitable temporary accommodation.
What's the most important thing to you? Well, benches for all the parties are essential, along with division doors and a fully subsidised bar within the property.
The bar is crucial.
Are you willing to take on any work? Oh, crikey, no.
Oh! You mean on the property? No.
But we're used to having no heating and a rodent problem, so we're not too fussy.
But we do need a bar.
Yes, yes, you already mentioned that.
All right, well, let's get going, then, shall we? Now, I know you said you weren't willing to take on any work but I wasn't listening, so what you could do is knock through here, really opening up the space, and then you can place the political parties on either side of the aisle, upholster the pews in green, and you could even put in a fence for the Lib Dems to sit on.
Black Rod! Nice.
Sturdy.
It's a Catholic Church.
The DUP would go bonkers.
And we can't have a bar.
SHE SIGHS Well, let's move on, then, shall we? Right.
Due to Brexit, a lot of the residents in this area will soon be leaving.
JP Morgan, HSBC, Morgan Stanley.
So, what are you thinking? Dodgy neighbourhood.
Lots of bankers.
Oh! Not sure about this.
The other option is that you could be relocated to Birmingham.
Actually, I think this is great.
Yes, this should be fine.
Black Rod! Phil, these people are awful! Next week, I'll be helping a couple who are considering moving out of the Heathrow area before their house gets bulldozed.
One more thump from you and we're not stopping at the Little Chef! So, anyway, thank you for agreeing to meet me, Mr Rees-Mogg.
Oh, you're entirely welcome.
I represent a patriotic pressure group based in the Cayman Islands.
How interesting.
I find it so useful to engage with ordinary members of the public.
The common hedge fund manager in the street.
Let me tell you, then, that my vision for Brexit is to create a Britain that is truly self-reliant.
Nanny! Sorry, Mr Rees-Mogg.
I was just polishing the headlights on the Daimler.
Free from the tyranny of Brussels, we will finally have the opportunity to do things for ourselves.
Mmm.
And do you trust our current Prime Minister to deliver? Oh, I have a great deal of respect for Mrs May.
What are you talking about? You can't stand her.
About as much use as a Latin dictionary in a state school, is what you always say.
The PM and I have our differences but we are both sensible, grown-up politicians.
Broccoli? Yuck! You've got to have your greens, Mr Rees-Mogg.
Do the noise.
Zzzzzhhh! Chooka-chooka-chooka Well, have you thought about running for leadership? Oh! The idea's utterly fanciful.
It's not something I've considered for a single moment.
You little fibber.
You never talk about anything else.
Nanny You had all those business cards made up.
"Jacob Rees-Mogg, Prime Minister.
" Nanny, please.
He's always wanted to be Prime Minister, has Mr Rees-Mogg.
When he was 13, he made me dress his Action Man up as Harold Macmillan.
Nanny, really! Will you cease these interjections? I can manage perfectly well without your interfer Oh, oh I SHE PATS HIM ON THE BACK Oh HE BELCHES Thank you, Nanny.
It was making me rather irritable.
You're just overtired.
It's very near nap time.
Quite right.
Will you excuse me? Oh! How intensely embarrassing! Nanny, you've forgotten to put any trousers on me.
You must be mortified.
Don't worry, I always carry a spare pair.
Now, let's pop to the loo.
Let's hope they've got a changing mat.
HE CHUCKLES
The markets don't like uncertainty.
Oil pipeline in the pipeline.
Let me be clear.
Off the record.
How do I put this? And the answer is We're out! # She wants to be like She wants to see like # She wants to walk a mile in their shoes # Every day a new sensation How do you break it to the nation? # Tracey's going to break the news # She wants to say this She wants to play this # She really hopes that nobody sues # Every day a new sensation Take it to the waking nation She's going to faking well break the news! Have you seen this? After all that talk of David Davis resigning, people are saying I should be replaced by Michael Gove.
Oh, no, that's never going to happen.
I should think not.
No, I've got 50 quid on Jacob Rees-Mogg, and a novelty bet on Matt LeBlanc .
.
to replace you when you retire in 20 years' time.
Hey, guys! Welcome to the show.
You've all heard about Fortnite, the game young people can't seem to get enough of.
Well, some viewers have contacted me saying they're worried about their loved ones becoming addicted.
Put them off forever with the hardest, most impossible-to-win version of Fortnite yet .
.
Fortnite Battle Brexit.
I'm going to be David Davis.
I'll be Liam Fox.
You start out as one big team, then slowly turn on each other.
It's just like being in the Cabinet.
I've jumped from the battle bus but haven't got a parachute, what do I do? I've got absolutely no idea, what are our objectives? God knows, it's total chaos.
Oh, God, an army of Michel Barniers, what weapons do you have? I'm checking.
Oh, too late.
I'm covered in red tape.
It might feel like you're getting somewhere, but not for long.
Why can't I find any trade deals? I was told there were trade deals in this building.
I can't make any progress, Philip Hammond's in the way.
Move! Move! I can't, it seems to be his default setting.
There's Vince Cable trying to trigger a second referendum.
Oh, just step over him.
And there's always a ticking clock in the corner of the screen.
You must finish by 29th of March 2019.
We're running out of time.
This isn't possible.
So, yeah, I'd recommend Fortnite Battle Brexit.
Oh, this is doing my nut in, forget this.
I'm going to go write that essay I've been meaning to do for the past five weeks.
Yeah, and I've just remembered I've got a girlfriend.
Oh, no, I don't.
From Epic Fail Games.
Are you sure about this? It's fine.
He's a friend of the family, he's a neighbour.
And he's got a very responsible job.
It'll be fine.
Thank you so much for doing this at such short notice.
We should be back by 10.
30 but any problems, our mobile number's there, just give us a call, OK? Um, any questions, Mr Gove? No.
I'm completely confident in my ability to look after this human infant.
And you are absolutely right to put your trust in me in regard to this matter.
Great, well, we'll see you in a few hours.
Have a wonderful time.
And may I just say that you have my absolute and categorical assurance that I won't sell it.
Sorry? The infant.
I won't sell it.
Why would you sell him? I wouldn't.
I just assured you of that.
Then why mention it? To put your mind at ease, to give you a cast-iron assurance that I would neither sell it nor leave it unsupervised when I go shopping.
You can't leave him unsupervised.
Yes, I know, and I wouldn't .
.
any more than I would eat it.
You know what? I'm actually feeling a little tired.
Yeah, I think we might give it a miss tonight.
Right-ho.
Let me give you back that thing you gave me.
Always nice to interact with humans.
I mean, fellow humans.
Don't worry, I'll let myself out the front door.
I certainly won't go out the back way and rifle through your bins.
And you have my word on that.
OK.
Shush.
H&M is to change its UK womenswear sizes after years of complaints from customers that the clothes are far smaller than labelled.
So, let me get this straight.
They've agreed to make their clothes the size they say they are on the label.
Wow.
Big round of applause, H&M.
Or should that be extra small round of applause? Labour Live tickets! Get your tickets here for the UK's biggest politics/music/vegan basket-weaving festival.
Make sure you get them here and not on Viagogo, although they are quite a bit cheaper on there.
Hello, John.
What are you looking so worried about? Is this right, we're struggling to sell tickets for the Labour festival thing next week? Sales have been ever so slightly sluggish, John, that's why I thought I'd pop down here and sprinkle on a bit of the old JC stardust.
Ah, here we go.
Hello.
Can I have two tickets for A Bat Out Of Hell, please? OK, no, these are strictly Labour Live tickets.
Oh, right.
What about The Lion King? Can you go away, please? It says here we've only sold 20% so far.
People said I'd only get 20% of the vote in the general election, John, but what did I end up with? 39.
8%.
Exactly.
And you can't do better than that.
Now Len McCluskey's giving away 1,000 free tickets.
This isn't going to turn into a fiasco, is it? Calm down, John.
It's true we've had to adjust the ticketing strategy a bit, but it's not like we're bussing people in.
We're bussing people in.
Unite are paying for free coaches.
Jeremy, they're saying we could lose a million quid on this.
It'll be fine.
Excuse me.
You're Jeremy Corbyn, aren't you? Would you like a selfie, young lady? Ah, no, it's just that my mate thought that you were Noel Edmonds.
Told you! Maybe we need to do something to create a bit of publicity.
Well, I did plug it on Twitter the other day.
You know, some of our lot on there are a bit much.
Somebody ought to tell them to tone it down a touch.
How about we announce a really radical new policy like, nationalising the dairy industry? That's rather Stalinist.
Thanks very much.
That wasn't a compliment, John.
We could do with getting me back on the front pages.
Maybe people just aren't that excited about us any more.
They are saying that we've passed peak Corbyn.
I don't believe that, do you? I think we're still in the foothills.
And there, up ahead of us, is a glorious snow-covered mountain top of pure and perfect socialism.
So let's, you and me, put our crampons back on, John, and get Britain to that summit! The workers.
The workers.
Ooh, is this the place for Labour Live tickets? It sure is, my friend.
Great, because I've got these two spares, and I literally cannot give them away.
Can I return them? Or swap them? Actually, I do have a couple of tickets for a matinee of Dream Girls, if you're interested, but I have to warn you they are restricted view.
No, that's much better, thanks.
So, let's get started.
What are we going to do to fix this timetable business which is turning into a bit of an? Unmitigated disaster.
OK, we're actually saying that, are we? Any ideas? I've been thinking, you know, traditionally, we work out what time trains arrive, and then try to get the trains to arrive at that time.
But what if we just see when the trains turn up, write it down, and say that's the timetable? Perhaps we need to drill down into why the trains aren't arriving when they should be.
Well, it's a combination of poor planning, mismanagement, staff shortages, ageing infrastructure, and a crippling lack of investment.
It could be drilled out a little less deeply than that.
Sorry I'm late, bloody trains.
Oh, no.
Terrible.
Right, now, erm, I've had a little think about this BOTH: Unmitigated disaster.
Oh, right, we're actually saying that, are we? OK, well, I wondered if we could use different words.
For example, perhaps we could call this one the 12.
37-ish.
Or leave the times but change the places.
I mean, the 8.
34 from Halifax did leave at 8.
34 this morning, just not from Halifax.
Do we even need the trains to turn up at all? Perhaps we just need better excuses for why they're not there.
Well, we agreed on this.
You blame the slow-running service in front because it's the one direction you can't see from a train.
It's perfect.
It still makes it feel like it's our fault.
We could say the driver got mauled by a lion.
We can't say that, they'd never believe us.
Have we got a lion? At the risk of sounding like one of our customers, I don't feel at all comfortable.
No wonder the timetables don't work.
It's the strike.
There isn't a strike.
Exactly! For the first time in years, we've got actual drivers driving actual trains right across the network.
No wonder it's clogged up.
Oh! Sorry I'm late! Trains were a nightmare.
Actually, I ought to head off if I'm going to catch the four o'clock.
Oh, Christ, is that the time? There's only one direct service an hour now, so I should probably Me too.
Will they ever fix these engineering works, eh? Are you coming? God, no, I drove in, the trains at the moment are awful.
Coming soon to ITV2, Love Ireland! But only the northern bit! Now they've finished filming Game Of Thrones, Northern Ireland needed something else cut-throat, fictional and full of gratuitous sex.
It's another beautiful summer's day in County Antrim, and the gang are getting to know each other.
So, tell us a bit about you, Arlene.
Regarding the customs union issue, maintenance of the same rules and regulations as the rest of the UK are a red line for me.
And Downing Street are aware of that.
Oh, safe.
I run a gym in Southend.
The girls are in the bedroom whispering so nobody knows what they're saying, And the boys are looking hot.
I'm bigging your obligatory six-pack.
Oh, yeah, mate, I've been putting in some serious gym time.
It's working for you, bruv, you look well sick! No! Homosexuality is an abomination.
Oh, no, Arlene, we're not gay, we're just self-obsessed narcissists.
Coming soon, Love Ireland.
It's just like Stormont here.
We've got nothing in common.
Sure we do, we've all got chlamydia.
Speak for yourself! Hey, kids, turn that frown upside down, your daddy'll be home any minute now.
# Who's the leader of the gang that's made for you and me R-U-P-E-R-T M-O-U-S-E! Yay, it's Rupert Mouse! HALF-HEARTEDLY: Yay.
Yay.
Just back from Disney HQ, kids.
It's like a home from home.
They've got a Goofy there too.
Ha-ha.
And a Dopey.
Ha-ha.
Not forgetting the Beauty.
Oh, does that make you the Beast? Only in the bedroom.
Oh! So, how was your meeting with the mouse? Well, it turns out it's not an actual mouse, just some guys in suits but I reckon we can do business.
Please don't sell Fox to them.
Yeah, it's not fair.
I can sell it to SpongeBob SquarePants if I wanted to.
If I could only get hold of his people.
We're Murdochs, we don't sell, we buy.
Not any more, we've got to face facts.
Compared to the likes of Google, Fox is a Mickey Mouse operation.
So now it is going to be a Mickey Mouse operation.
Besides, it was Jerry's idea.
BOTH: What! Well, kids, Disney is our retirement plan.
And what better place to live happily ever after than Disneyland? Ride after ride, up and down, screaming your heart out, and then we'll do the rollercoasters! Please, Dad, don't do it.
You kids are going to have to learn to stand on your own two feet.
Your stepmother's right.
When I started out, all I owned was one lousy newspaper, and I built an empire out of hard work, and being a bastard.
So I'm doing you a favour, kids.
When I check out, I'm just leaving you this.
One lousy newspaper company? No, just this actual newspaper.
Just give me one more chance.
"What do you say, Pinocchio? "Shall we give the most shit of the two useless shits another chance?" "Yes, Jiminy, that's a great idea.
" Whooo! Oh, Rupert! You're almost as talented an actor as I am! Hard luck, bro.
He said you were a useless shit too.
He said you were the most shit.
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Boys, boys! Stop fighting.
I'll get you both a job at Disney.
Seriously? Really? Yeah, Disneyland Paris.
They can use a couple of Dumbos! Right, you, let's get you upstairs.
I've got a use for a pair of Minnie Mouse ears that Walt would not approve of! In transport news, the Cabinet has approved plans for a third runway at Heathrow.
Boris Johnson says he will lie down in front of bulldozers to stop the construction.
Wow, that's quite a high-risk strategy, Boris.
Not sure that will stop construction.
VOICEOVER: My name's Fiona, I was a top glamour model back in the day.
I started my career with Peter Stringfellow, God rest his soul.
But once I got too old for it, you know, hit the big 2-3, I needed a new challenge so I started my agency, Dolly Birds Management for dolly birds.
It's been very successful .
.
until now.
And you are absolutely sure? Bye, then.
That's another one gone! The Birmingham Fridge And Freezer Show.
Yeah.
Apparently, having girls in swimsuits showing off the new Zanussi is no longer appropriate.
The world's gone mad! First they got rid of grid girls from Formula 1, now we've lost the darts, lost the boxing, two of our five ready-salted peanut accounts, and people say, why don't they just do something else? But some young women are actually allergic to clothes, and they need to work too.
So we have diversified.
We've got Chloe, lovely Chloe, working in a GPs' waiting room.
Number seven! Dr Richards is ready to see you about your bowel infection.
Tanya and Lucy, they're doing a lovely job hosting at the Keighley police station.
And Zoe is the new star at the Aylesbury morgue.
Is this your husband? So I think the Dolly Birds agency has a future.
What I say to the world is, whenever you need someone to bring a smile and a bubbly personality, my ladies will be there.
And if you try to touch them I'll break your fingers.
Looking forward to the G7, dear? I mean, I know you're not, but it's polite to ask.
No, I'm not looking forward to it.
Everyone is furious because of Trump's metal tariffs, and I should be on the same side as the Europeans but it's awkward because of that word.
Oh, Brexit.
Pound in the box.
So I'm going to need all of your support while I'm there.
Oh, I'm not going.
Melania and I have decided to give it a miss.
Oh.
You chat with Melania now? PHONE BEEPS I suppose that's her.
No.
It's Brigitte Macron.
I've set up a little WhatsApp group for us all.
I called it Leaders' Wives.
Little joke.
Why is that a joke? Well It's not really.
Well, if you're not going to Canada, why do you have a case packed? I always have one packed in case we have to leave Downing Street at short notice.
Why would we have to leave at short notice? No reason.
Oh, it's impossible.
I have to keep close to Trump because we need a trade deal, and keep close to the EU because Trump won't stick to deals, and David Davis keeps saying he's close to resigning over our deal with the EU.
Don't want to end up with that no-deal Brexit doomsday scenario.
£5 in the box, please.
I know what I should do.
I've got to stand up to Trump, like the Prime Minister of global Britain that I am, and I'll tell him that we all depend on a worldwide network of free trade, and then he'll tweet something mean about me, and I'll ask him not to, and then he'll tweet something really foul, and I'll ask him to at least spell my name right, and then Oh Maybe I won't go.
Think about the duty-free shoes.
What do you wear in Canada in June? Well, their summer starts tomorrow and ends later tomorrow, so I'd say dress for autumn.
And it'll be winter by the end of the week.
PHONE BEEPS Oh, it's Brigitte.
It says, "See you in Quebec.
"We're all going out for ice hockey and cheesy chips.
" Do you know, I think maybe I will come after all? Oh, you will, will you? Hmph! What a comfort! And I'm already packed, so that's handy.
The CEO of Qatar Airways has apologised for saying that only a man could do his job.
What job is that? Making sexist generalisations? You're right.
Only a man could do that.
Oh, no! Look! I can do it too! Oleg, Masha, you are coming on a special trip to America.
OMG.
We're going to Universal Studios.
We are not going to Universal Studios.
No.
We are going on an important mission to Washington.
They've been hiding the Melania robot away.
Even the President is starting to become suspicious.
Without it, Russia only has 129 other ways of influencing America.
Delivery for the President.
American baseball caps.
They are very American.
As are we.
I thought she was running OK.
He's not here.
He's playing golf.
Golf.
Golf She keeps malfunctioning since they gave her a job, campaigning against cyberbullying.
But her husband is World's number one cyberbully.
Exactly.
No computer brain in the world could deal with such a contradiction.
That is why we have to feed her with this - a logic bypass chip.
How are you? How are you? I've been through a little rough patch.
Be best.
Fake news.
News.
News Hello, Doctor.
Nice distracting, Oleg! Any time! RUSSIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM BEEPS That is the rebooting noise.
Does it work? We will soon find out.
Melaniabot, what are immigrants? Bad people.
And what are you? An immigrant.
And do you see a problem with that? No.
The logic bypass works.
America first.
My jewellery is made in China.
Good job, guys.
Where is Donald? He looks so sexy in his tennis clothes.
ELECTRONIC BUZZING No, he doesn't.
He looks like old sack of donkey guts.
I don't want to make sex to you, donkey guts.
It's going to be a long night.
Donkey guts.
Donkey guts Jerry, come on, before the pill wears off.
Rupe, I told you, not right now.
I'm busy.
Busy with what? What the hell is a carer's allowance? Well, you can apply for money from the government if you take care of a senior citizen.
Why? What senior citizen do you look after? Oh, for Christ's sake, Jerry! We're billionaires! Why the hell are you applying for that pittance? Well, Mick always used to make me do it.
Unbelievable.
Put your pen down.
I'm taking you for lunch at the finest eatery in town.
For real? My own Big Mac or just one patty each? Honestly, that man! OK, everyone, welcome.
This support group is for people who are so woke that they are finding it impossible to have any fun at all.
We have somebody new with us this week, so would you like to introduce yourself? Hi, I'm Oscar.
Uh I think, like a lot of you guys, for me it started with the little things - signing an online petition, going to a march.
Well, before I knew it, I was writing to the Guardian about LGBT representation in the Harry Potter books.
Which is shocking, by the way! All right, Lily, we've all read your blog.
Don't worry, Oscar, you've come to the right place.
All the young people in this room are ruining their lives by being overly virtuous.
That's actually a micro-aggression, to say "young people", because it carries subconscious bias towards the elderly.
Actually, what you're doing is denying agency to the elderly, which is arguably much worse.
This is what I'm talking about, you see? It's a slippery slope.
One minute you're carrying a reusable water bottle - fine, and the next minute you're arguing that water is racist.
Oh, my God, is water racist? No, no.
It's just an example.
Right, how did you guys get on with the homework that I set you? "Guys" isn't an especially inclusive term.
Not now, Jamie.
By homework do you mean having to watch that old people sitcom? It's called Friends, Lily, and you were supposed to watch it and enjoy it.
Well, I tried, but I found it deeply problematic.
Why? Well, there's the homophobia, the transphobia, the fattism, the slut-shaming, and could Chandler BE any more annoying? You can't go through your 20s worrying about every aspect of everything.
You have to pick your battles, and just remember that it doesn't really matter because by the time you hit your 30s, most of you are going to be massively right-wing anyway.
Have any of you started to think that maybe poor people don't deserve benefits? No.
Well, watch out for that one, because that's how it starts.
Look, I understand this has all been a bit much for some of you, so let's take five and have a Hobnob.
I find the word Hobnob very phallocentric.
Fuck off, Jamie.
Any roots showing? Not on my vatch.
Birgit, have you seen this? All these poor actresses earning less than their male co-stars.
I mean, come on, people! It's 2018.
It's disgusting, is vat it is.
Ja.
These poor woman living in the shadow of this male-led system in which they are horribly outnumbered and over Birgit, vat if all the male world leaders are earning big bucks and I am making half of what they do? Vat if I am Michelle Williams and they are a big bunch of Mark Wahlbergs? Don't be so ridiculous.
You are not Michelle Williams.
Although Although you do look like sisters.
But there's no way the Greek PM is earning more than you.
Oh, I didn't mean the Greek one.
He probably makes less than you do! No, but what about the Putins and the Trudeaus and the Macrons? Ja, but that is not a fair comparison.
Trudeau and Macron make a fortune from calendars alone.
And Putin bare-chested on that horse sells an awful lot for a country vith no gays.
Maybe I'll just call Theresa and ask her vat she gets.
Ja, but she gets paid in British pounds, so whatever it is, it von't vork out as very much any more.
Ja, that's true.
Maybe I'll just Google it.
There must be some kind of graph or chart or Whoa! Well, that puts my mind at ease.
So you're doing OK? Well, let's just say you can reorder the buns and biscuits with the chocolate layer on top.
Ooh! And some Duchy Originals.
I'm not doing THAT well.
International news, and it has been confirmed that Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un are to meet on Sentosa Island, half a kilometre off the coast of Singapore.
Hey, do you think they could get them to meet another half a kilometre off that? You know, in the sea? That might be a better way to achieve world peace.
Hello.
I'm Kirstie Allsopp, and I'm off to Calm down, kids! It's a real treat to travel in the boot! And I'm off to help relocate some people whose central London property is getting a bit long in the tooth.
Recently, chunks of masonry have been falling off it.
Geoffrey, Sarah and their friend Black Rod Black Rod! .
.
have to relocate to suitable temporary accommodation.
What's the most important thing to you? Well, benches for all the parties are essential, along with division doors and a fully subsidised bar within the property.
The bar is crucial.
Are you willing to take on any work? Oh, crikey, no.
Oh! You mean on the property? No.
But we're used to having no heating and a rodent problem, so we're not too fussy.
But we do need a bar.
Yes, yes, you already mentioned that.
All right, well, let's get going, then, shall we? Now, I know you said you weren't willing to take on any work but I wasn't listening, so what you could do is knock through here, really opening up the space, and then you can place the political parties on either side of the aisle, upholster the pews in green, and you could even put in a fence for the Lib Dems to sit on.
Black Rod! Nice.
Sturdy.
It's a Catholic Church.
The DUP would go bonkers.
And we can't have a bar.
SHE SIGHS Well, let's move on, then, shall we? Right.
Due to Brexit, a lot of the residents in this area will soon be leaving.
JP Morgan, HSBC, Morgan Stanley.
So, what are you thinking? Dodgy neighbourhood.
Lots of bankers.
Oh! Not sure about this.
The other option is that you could be relocated to Birmingham.
Actually, I think this is great.
Yes, this should be fine.
Black Rod! Phil, these people are awful! Next week, I'll be helping a couple who are considering moving out of the Heathrow area before their house gets bulldozed.
One more thump from you and we're not stopping at the Little Chef! So, anyway, thank you for agreeing to meet me, Mr Rees-Mogg.
Oh, you're entirely welcome.
I represent a patriotic pressure group based in the Cayman Islands.
How interesting.
I find it so useful to engage with ordinary members of the public.
The common hedge fund manager in the street.
Let me tell you, then, that my vision for Brexit is to create a Britain that is truly self-reliant.
Nanny! Sorry, Mr Rees-Mogg.
I was just polishing the headlights on the Daimler.
Free from the tyranny of Brussels, we will finally have the opportunity to do things for ourselves.
Mmm.
And do you trust our current Prime Minister to deliver? Oh, I have a great deal of respect for Mrs May.
What are you talking about? You can't stand her.
About as much use as a Latin dictionary in a state school, is what you always say.
The PM and I have our differences but we are both sensible, grown-up politicians.
Broccoli? Yuck! You've got to have your greens, Mr Rees-Mogg.
Do the noise.
Zzzzzhhh! Chooka-chooka-chooka Well, have you thought about running for leadership? Oh! The idea's utterly fanciful.
It's not something I've considered for a single moment.
You little fibber.
You never talk about anything else.
Nanny You had all those business cards made up.
"Jacob Rees-Mogg, Prime Minister.
" Nanny, please.
He's always wanted to be Prime Minister, has Mr Rees-Mogg.
When he was 13, he made me dress his Action Man up as Harold Macmillan.
Nanny, really! Will you cease these interjections? I can manage perfectly well without your interfer Oh, oh I SHE PATS HIM ON THE BACK Oh HE BELCHES Thank you, Nanny.
It was making me rather irritable.
You're just overtired.
It's very near nap time.
Quite right.
Will you excuse me? Oh! How intensely embarrassing! Nanny, you've forgotten to put any trousers on me.
You must be mortified.
Don't worry, I always carry a spare pair.
Now, let's pop to the loo.
Let's hope they've got a changing mat.
HE CHUCKLES