Trollied (2011) s02e02 Episode Script

Valco.
Serves you right.
I'm quite nervous.
Just say your line.
Can she stop that now? If you can get it anywhere cheaper, I'll come around and cook it myself.
Red hot deals.
We've got offers on everything from booze to biscuits.
Loads of two for ones.
Service, with a smile.
We have fresh produce.
Grown locally.
Don't forget the Valco tip.
Am I getting paid for this? Valco I wasn't ready.
- Valco serves you right.
- Valco serves you right.
Morning Margaret, love.
Hey, it's exciting this early start, isn't it? Everything looks different.
Are you alright, Margaret? I had a cup of coffee this morning to help me get up and I'm feelin' a little buzzy bees.
Aw I like seeing everyone here.
It's like the Christmas party.
Yeah, except I'm not holding your hair back while you throw up.
I'd had a bad mince pie.
And 15 rum and cokes.
It was the mince pie.
Today marks the beginning of me getting back in the bosses' good books.
Oh, I forgot, she hates you, doesn't she? Bit harsh, Margaret.
I wonder why we're in anyway? Do you think we've won something? I'll tell you exactly why we're here.
I heard about the same thing at ASDA once.
Of course you did.
Boss called the staff in first thing and told them "We're making some cuts.
"There's 100 of you, only 50 jobs, fight for it.
" And they did.
One of their fishmongers were killed.
That sounds like murder.
Sounds like bullshit.
I'm sorry, what's all this about again? Don't worry Julie, flower.
All will be revealed.
Come on, give me a hand up.
Oh, meeting's started.
No point being late.
Might as well miss it.
We could have a little meeting of our own? Don't think so.
What would we even talk about? No, I mean like a meeting.
Oh yeah? Would it be like a sit down meeting? However you want.
Sat down, lay down, stood up.
Why don't I open my diary? See if I got room for your meeting? OK, but hurry up.
We haven't got long.
No, you idiot.
Open my diary? Ah yeah, your diary is your fanny, isn't it? Yeah, no, I get it now.
Yes! OK, well how about I bring a whiteboard to this meeting? Whiteboard? What does that even mean? I don't know.
Yeah, let's go then.
You're hard work sometimes.
Settle down.
Now, you're probably all wondering why I got you in here early? Let me firstly say, don't worry, I'm not sacking anyone.
I'm sure you all read the papers.
You know that it's a price war out there.
It's true I'm in my flow, Julie.
Sorry.
People love our basic range, but every supermarket's got a basic range.
Are we gonna win this scrap by being the same as everyone else? Are we heck? I would like you to look in this bag.
Oh! Isn't it exciting.
I told you we'd win something.
Valco has got a secret weapon in this war.
And we're the lucky bastards that get to trial it.
What an honour it is From today Warrington Valco will be the only major UK supermarket to have a range below the basic range.
I give you the Valco No Nonsense range.
No nonsense baked beans in tomato liquid.
They look cracking, don't they? Any questions so far? No.
She's had a coffee.
You nearly done? Jesus, give me a chance.
I got to use my imagination a bit here.
I don't think we're meant to be eating them.
What? Look at the state of the new kid.
What, there's nothing wrong with him.
I hate Goths.
All that black.
It brings me down.
I'm a sunshine person.
He's not a Goth, he's Emo.
I don't care what he is.
He needs some vitamin D and a smile on his face.
He's depressing me.
I've had many honours in my time, but head office choosing our branch to trial this pisses on the lot.
Anyway, before you run away I don't want you to think that life under me is all work and no play, so as of tomorrow, there will be a pool table in the canteen.
Brilliant.
But, that's tomorrow.
Today, we open the doors on a new Valco.
Ian, open the doors.
You what? Open the bastard doors.
Right, yeah.
Give us a sec, I got the keys here, somewhere.
You get the idea.
Go to it, people.
Found 'em.
Morning.
Hello, Vic.
What are you doin? Just checking my lunch.
Oh, what's this? A little love note from the mars.
"Sorry, hon, no crisps.
"Think of the salt content.
" Bloody hell.
I said it's private.
I used to put notes in Alan's lunch box.
It just said, "Lunch.
" Boss, can I just say what an honour it is to be working on a day like this.
What? To be working on the day the new Valco range comes out.
I dreamt of this moment before.
Is he taking the piss? He's just enthusiastic.
In the dream it was called the Leighton range, but apart from that it is exactly the same.
Great.
And if there is anything you need, I'm right here.
Actually, there's a point of sale that needs putting up in the entrance for No Nonsense.
I want it to be the first thing people see when they come in.
Really, the first thing? I want John customer to say "Great.
No Nonsense, about bastard time.
" You'll find the stuff in my office, so Right, don't worry, I'm all over it.
6000%.
doing my shopping here from now on.
Get me whole week's for 20 quid.
It looks disgusting.
It looks like a sausage roll.
There's nothing wrong with it.
Alright, eat it then.
Fine.
Ingredients - pork 9%.
White pepper extract, sage extract, gelatine, mechanical recovered meat.
Mechanically recovered meat? I'd rather eat my own arse.
Have you got a big enough plate? You cheeky bitch.
LOL.
Olives, halami, humerous, artichokes.
You know, I think you should drink coffee more often, Margaret, you're like a machine.
I know.
Who would think coffee could have such an effect? Well, it is a drug.
What? Coffee's a drug? Oh yeah, that's why I never touch the stuff.
Hugs, not drugs that's my motto.
So, I've spent all morning on drugs, at work.
I don't know who I am anymore.
Yeah, you do seem like you've changed.
A bit more on edge, shifty eyes.
I just hope today is not random drug test day.
Random drug test day? Oh yeah, they do it every year.
Come around, take a sample of urine.
Find out who's hopped up on happy pills.
Who's chasing the dragon.
What am I gonna do if it's today, Andy? Oh! Please don't let them sack me.
Don't worry Margaret, if they come around here I'll piss in the pot for you.
Oh, thank you, Andy.
That is so lovely of you.
Ham, shitcake mushrooms, salami, sundried potatoes.
Oh! Colin! What? Alright, Leighturd? I keep telling you, it's Leighton.
Leighton.
Settin' up the new display? Yeah.
I've been entrusted to set up the display for the new range, and I'm not sure, but I think it might be the proudest moment of my life.
Yeah.
It probably is.
See you later Leighturd.
Leighton, it's Leighton.
It even says it on my badge.
L, E, I, G, H T, O, N.
Leighton.
Pass us some of that diced.
Hey babes, don't have any of this mince.
Have some lettuce.
Love, Emma.
Wow, when did she put that there? It's not funny.
Woah, Tommy Temper's here.
What's the matter hon, I just care about what you eat.
Actually How did she put it there? No, Margaret Just leave it, alright? Alright, I'm only messin'.
Don't, it's not funny.
Don't go too quick on that thing.
You don't want to get done for speeding.
I fancy I could outrun you on this.
Probably not wrong there, Vic.
See you later.
You've not touched your tea.
It'll get cold, Linda, and I'm not making you another one.
Alright, God's sake.
What the fuck? Mechanically recovered sausage? How did that get there? What's so funny? Ah, nothin'.
I'm just rememberin' a joke Andy told me earlier.
Alright.
You'd have laughed.
It were about this dog called Pepperlegs.
Alright, I don't think you should have coffee full stop.
It's driving you mad.
I am Andy, I didn't tell you any joke about a dog.
I'm not talking about you.
I mean the new Andy.
What new Andy? Him.
No, no, no.
There's only one Andy here.
Oi, oi! Yeah, you.
Smiler.
Don't think you can swan round here with my name.
What? I don't know what you're on about.
I'm Andy, all right? I am, ergo you're not.
And it says here that you Have signed up at uni.
If you're worried about the course, I'd make sure my studying wouldn't interfere with my work.
Valco would always come first.
Do you know what I think, Katie? What? I think you couldn't give a bull's balls about Valco.
You've signed up at uni, need money for snakebite and there are no other jobs out there.
Absolutely not Doesn't matter.
Bottom line is it saves us training up someone new and you're brighter than some of the idiots I've seen.
So? Job's yours if you want it, love.
I don't know what the big deal is.
You can't have two people with the same name working in the same place.
It's madness.
Loads of people with the same name work together.
Long before you started we had two Lee's working here.
Within a year they destroyed each other.
This is all part of Lorraine's plan to undermine me.
You're mad.
I bet I wouldn't get treated like this if I was a baker.
What about the Chuckle brothers? They've got the same name and they work together.
Hello, Julie.
Oh, you can tell boss woman her plan's not going to work.
She won't force me out.
What? This new Andy.
It won't work.
I've got absolutely no idea what you're talking about.
Oh, sorry.
I thought she'd be keeping you in the loop.
I guess we're both out in the cold.
For your information, I'm a very valued member of the management team.
I bet she didn't tell you about the pool table either, did she? Not that it's any of your business, Andy, but I'm on a need-to-know executive managerial synergy.
Ah! I don't need to explain myself to underlings.
Bloody hell! All right, Katie.
Hi Lisa, you're looking well.
Cheers, yeah.
I had a stomach parasite last month so I lost a stone.
Great.
Aw Knew you'd be back.
Cheers.
Yeah, I thought you'd last longer than a few months though.
No offence.
It's not really travelling that, is it? It's more travelling than you've done on that chair.
All right! No need to get arsey.
See ya! What? We found love in a hopeless place.
We found love in a hopeless place.
We found love in a hopeless place You what? What? A hopeless place? Yeah, that's how it goes.
No, it's homeless place.
Homeless?! Where did you get that from? Well, the video.
She looks like a tramp, doesn't she? Ah, Sue What the bloody hell is a homeless place? One of them shelters where they give you free soup.
What's a hopeless place then? Here with you! Completely bloody hopeless.
We found love in a hopeless place.
We found love in a hopeless place.
Aw! That was nice.
It was.
Well, well, well.
Look who it is! Oh, Katie! Well, you look different.
You look so What? Brown.
Right, yeah.
I've still got my tan.
So, how was the travelling? What were your flight like? You weren't put in a Thai jail, was ya? Ooh, I'm sorry.
I've had a coffee.
I'm a bit faster than normal.
Yeah, travelling was great.
Got to see the world and that.
What are you doing back here anyway? Oh, I'm with my mum again.
Start uni next week.
Uni? Yeah.
Studying psychology.
You should've come to me.
I know more about the human mind than any university.
Yeah, I did think about coming to you first but I thought I'd learn more from a professor than a butcher.
You just missed Buggerlugs, he's gone on his break.
Oh, right.
How is Kieran? Still the second best butcher in Valco.
How was his wedding? Ah, it was brilliant! Brilliant! I was on top form.
Made one of his mates literally piss himself.
So, are you coming back here to work? Just had an interview with the new govie.
Oh, don't get me started on her.
I'm surprised she even interviewed you.
I thought she was only taking on people with my name.
There's two Andy's now.
Can you believe it, Katie? Under one roof.
No, I don't think I want to.
Anyway, I best get going.
So, see you soon.
Touch wood.
- Oh, there's no wood.
Oh! - Close enough.
Yeah.
I'll see ya later.
Paying nine grand a year to study psychology.
I'd have done it for nowt.
"NO SENSE".
What happened to the middle bit? Some of the letters were missing so I thought I'd use initiative.
How the frig is that using initiative? Well, it's a good question.
Thank you for asking.
Erm Well, I thought since it can't say "NO NONSENSE" I thought I might just leave a gap here so it looks like "NO" nothing "SENSE".
Which is pretty similar to "NO NONSENSE" and I don't want to get carried away but maybe we should suggest that all branches do it like that.
Yeah, I'll phone head office now.
You do that.
Can I go out and call my mum? I've got to call my mum.
Any thicker and we could sell him as double cream.
Oh Out with it.
Oh, it's nothing.
Doesn't sound like nothing.
Well, I feel like I'm out of the loop.
I'm a deputy manager.
I belong in the loop, right in the middle of it.
If this is about the new range, that was from head office.
But what about the new pool table? I wasn't consulted on that either.
You're quite right, flower.
I should've told you about the new range.
You're my number two.
Thanks.
Well you don't have to worry about the pool table.
Let's just keep that shower happy.
It's the oldest management trick in the book.
Oh, really? Mm-hm, did the same at Iceland.
First week, bought them a ball.
They'd have marched into hell for me after that.
From now on we're a management team.
Go team! Yeah.
See you later.
That was a high Bye.
Kieran.
Katie! Hi! Jesus! You look God! How long you been back? I've moved back.
Start uni next week, so Uni? Mm-hm.
Oh! Ah, shut up.
Well, what are you doing here? Just been for an interview.
Really? What? And you were going to go without saying hello? Oh, I went past the meat counter but you weren't there so I was I thought you were meant to be gone six months.
What happened? Nothing.
It was great.
I had a brilliant time.
Enjoyed seeing the sights and that But? It was just a bit annoying.
There was a lot of rich kids on their gap years, you know.
Did me head in, so What? And you're coming back here? HERE here, to work? - Old job's mine if I want it.
- Woo-hoo Ah, it'll be fun.
Well, I've got to pay my student loan somehow.
What? River Island turn you down then? Funny.
Yeah, they did actually.
Ah It's not so bad working here.
Mm-hm, I suppose.
Although I've got to buy a new uniform.
Set fire to the old one when I was pissed.
I better go but I'll see you soon.
I hear you tied the knot then? Yeah, all married up now.
Under the wha-tush! Aw, congratulations, mate! I best erm I'd better go, anyway.
See ya.
OW! Sorry.
And she said, "If both your hands are on my shoulders, "what's that sticking in me back?" Here he is.
Can I have a word, Lorraine? Go on, back to work.
I just thought you should know I know what you're doing.
What the frig are you on about now? This new kid.
Bringing in someone in my name so I'll jump ship.
I bet you wouldn't bring in another Sharon, would ya? Andy, for the love of God, look at me.
Do I look like a woman who doesn't know how to sack someone? If I wanted you out, believe me you would know about it.
I'd have you crying like a little baby.
I can't work with another Andy, it's insane.
Jesus! You've never heard of a nickname? Good idea! Thanks.
Yeah, I'll do that.
Anything else? Any other emergencies? No, that's all.
Cheers, boss.
Yes! Get in there! What about Black Hair? Raven.
Nah, that's not right.
Black-Haired Boy.
Goth Boy.
Closer but It's not quite right.
The Boy With The Black Hair.
Sounds like a bloody book, Margaret.
I've got it.
From now on you are Andrew.
Well, I'm not an Andrew.
My name's just Andy.
It's Andrew or it's ten rounds with me in the warehouse.
Fine.
Whatever.
I'm Andrew.
Cheer up.
Hey, you'll never guess who you've just missed.
Erm Gary Barlow? No.
Katie? Yeah, well how did you? I've just seen her.
Oh.
What did you say Gary Barlow for then? Is he here? - It was just a joke, Margaret.
Oh! - Oh, yeah.
Yeah, Gary Barlow.
Has that coffee worn off yet? Oh, I think so.
I won't be doing that again.
All day I felt like I'd been in a car chase.
You know you can get decaf? Well that's what I have.
I only ever have decaf.
Won't have that other stuff - sends you mad! Good.
Good.
Yes, good.
Quick pint? Yeah! Oh, wait.
No, I can't actually.
I promised I'd paint the bathroom.
Jesus.
Why don't you just tuck it between your legs and have done with it? Oi, Andrew mate.
Don't worry.
Your new name badge will be here by the end of the week.
See you later.
Night-night, Dave.
Night, Margaret.