Two Doors Down (2016) s02e02 Episode Script

1 Eric.
Eric.
- Can you hear that? - What? The noise.
Is that ours? Somebody might be stealing the car.
Well, if they can get it started, they're welcome to it.
Go and see whose it is.
Might not even be a car alarm.
Somebody might be getting burgled.
Does Christine have a burglar alarm? No.
She's got a picture of herself in the hall that scares folk off.
You'll need to go and have a look.
Go on.
- Whose is it? - I don't know.
I panicked, I thought someone was nicking our car.
Beth thought it might be ours.
They'll not touch yours.
- I think it's coming from over the back.
- You think? Shh, listen.
It's quite soothing after a while, isn't it? There's not much we can do.
Nope.
It'll go off eventually.
Right.
I'm away, back in.
- Beth awake? - Aye, she woke me up.
- Cathy? - No, no.
She's out cold.
Once her head hits the pillow, that's her.
No matter what you try.
Right.
OK, squire, uh, that's enough excitement for one night.
What is that fucking noise? I thought it might be my tinnitus flaring up again.
Have you ever had tinnitus, Eric? No.
It's like a constant grating noise in your ear.
And it goes on, and on, and on.
If you've never had it, you wouldn't understand.
No.
I think I understand it.
Oh, here he is.
- How'd you get on? - Aye.
It's a Volvo.
Outside one of the wee bungalows.
The guy in the next door says they're away on holiday.
Oh, bloody hell.
He's going to phone them.
But apparently there's a bit of a time difference.
Ah, easy does it.
We don't want to wake them up, while they're on their holidays, eh? Well, we need to do something, because see the batteries in a Volvo? That'll be going for months.
Oh, no! Can he not just get into the house and get a spare key? Aye, why don't we set off the burglar alarm as well, eh? Look.
Come on.
There's nothing else we can do.
Why don't we just go to our beds, eh? - Eric.
What is going on? - Oh, there's Beth.
Beth.
This is a nightmare.
It's fine.
I've been around and checked it out.
Someone's away on a holiday.
Volvo, Beth.
Well, is someone going to call the police? Well, the thing is Beth, there's not actually been a crime.
It's one of the wee bungalows you said, Colin? - Aye.
- Here, Beth, I bet it's that guy whose wife did away with herself.
Remember, she borrowed a step ladder off you and you never got it back.
Eric? Were you not going to buy a Volvo at one point? I've never been a fan of bungalows, you know.
You get an awful lot of spiders in them.
I'd love to stick around and chat but seeing as it's the middle of the night, I might actually go back to my bed.
Oh.
How we're supposed to sleep after all this carry on, I don't know.
Wee cup of tea and you'll be fine.
Are you having one, Beth? - Well, no.
What I meant was - I'll just have one then.
Come on.
OK.
You see, what it could have been is maybe a cat that's jumped on to the bonnet of the car and set the alarm off.
Aye.
They jump onto the bonnet after the car's been running.
They get heat off the engine.
Ain't that right, Beth? I don't know.
They're notorious, cats, for loving that heat.
Ain't they, Beth? - Yes, Christine.
- Hmm.
They like heat.
They like sleep.
That's why I will never have a cat.
They're just lazy little monkeys.
What about a dog? All that walking? Oh, fuck that! We don't leave our car in the driveway when we go on holiday.
- No? - No.
It goes into the long-stay car park.
Oh, I don't know about that.
Handing your car keys over to somebody you don't know? They could be doing anything with it.
Like what? There's security there, 24 hours a day.
Aye.
It's them that I'd be worrying about.
What? Security guards.
Ex-army.
Listen.
If they can cover up getting poor, wee Iraqi blokes to stand on one leg and shit in a bin they will have no qualms about taking your motor for a spin when your back's turned.
Oh, gosh.
You tired, Eric? Funnily enough, yes I am.
When was the last time you were up at this time of night, eh? With my bladder, there's nothing dear diary about this, let me tell you.
Remember, when we were young, we were just getting in at this time.
Aye.
I remember, we used to steal rolls from outside the baker's shop at five o'clock in the morning after we'd been out dancing.
- Did you ever do that, Eric? - I did, aye.
Once or twice.
Pint of milk as well, off somebody's doorstep.
Oh, aye.
And their newspaper, as well.
Christ, I'm glad I left my handbag in the house.
Sophie.
- Is my mum here? - Uh, yes she is.
Oh God, I wondered where she was.
I got up and she wasn't in her bed.
Come in.
Well you're here.
I wondered where you were.
Yes, I'm here.
Beth insisted that I come in.
Ah, well, you could have told me.
I was worried, something could have happened to you.
Oh, that's good.
First, I'm getting into trouble for poking my nose in.
Then, she's complaining when I disappear out my bed in the middle of the night.
You just cannae win.
You get woken up by the alarm too, did you? - What is it? A car? - Volvo, Sophie.
Have you phoned the police? - There's no point in phoning the police.
- How not? Because a crime has not been committed.
Sit down, Sophie.
You must be absolutely knackered.
The last thing you need at the minute is to be woken up at night.
It's fine.
I've not really been sleeping well lately anyway.
- No? - No.
Can you not get comfy? I was the same when I had Ian.
It was the kicking that would keep me up at night.
Not really had much kicking.
Sweating, Beth, she's getting.
A lot of sweating.
And peeing.
Peeing awful heavy.
- Jesus wept.
- I say to her, Beth, you better enjoy whatever control you've got of your bladder the now, because once you've had the baby, well, every cough and sneeze will leave you leaking like an old fridge.
Hang on.
Has it stopped? No! Still going.
Here, Colin.
You get back round there and see what's going on.
- I'll maybe just - Don't even think about it.
- What? - If you think you're slopping off upstairs, leaving me here with Christine, you can forget it.
She'll be going back in next door soon, will she no? Beth, more tea.
How come it's always us that gets lumbered? I don't know, Eric.
Too bloody soft.
That's the trouble.
We're going to have to put the foot down.
Just learn to say no.
Do you want a tea as well? Aye, all right.
I'm just saying if you decide now, it'll be less for you to think about when you come out of the hospital.
And I'm just saying, that I want a name that I actually like.
I understand that.
But some of the names that you're coming up with, they might be fashionable, - but to me, they just sound daft.
- How do they? Well, what was the one you came up with last night? - Shelby.
- Shelby.
Sounds like a service station on the M6.
All right? Mmm-hmm.
They're good cars, Volvos.
We were thinking about getting one, you know? We didn't.
- Ah, what's happening? - Well.
They got hold of them.
Well, that's good.
And he's trying to get in touch with his brother who's got a spare key.
- Right.
- But, he's on a spa weekend.
Jesus Christ, and where's the sister? Lying in a hammock on a desert island.
There's certainly nothing to be gained by us sitting up all night, is there? No, no.
Go away up the stairs.
I take it Eric, that means you won't be wanting one of these then! What? Rolls? In the name of God.
- Where'd you get them? - The shop.
The shop's not open this time of night.
Never said I bought them.
Oh, Colin! You're a dirty wee thief.
Well after all that chat earlier, I couldn't get the idea of a big, crusty roll out of my head.
So, come on, Beth.
Get the pan on.
And don't try and tell me you don't have any bacon.
Oh, come on.
You're not going to start eating rolls at this time, are you? I'm starving.
And I thought you were away to your bed? Well, I'll stay up for a roll.
Sophie, will you take one? Well here, you've already got a bun in the oven.
I wouldn't mind one actually.
What? Christine? Come here to me.
One with bacon, one with egg.
Tell me exactly how I've ended up frying sausages at four o'clock in the morning.
- Honestly.
- Well, I said to you, didn't I? Don't start again, Eric.
Well, maybe this will cheer them up a little bit.
- What do you mean? - Christine and Sophie.
You could cut the atmosphere with a knife when I went through.
Sophie said they'd been arguing quite a lot recently.
Aw, that's a shame, 'cause normally they get on so well, don't they? Leave it.
You wonder what people did before there were rolls, don't ya? Oh, I know.
Baps, they're called in England.
I remember Sophie went on a trip with the school to London.
Remember, Sophie? - Yeah.
- Aye.
When she came back I said to her, "How was London"? She said, "It was unbelievable"! Trafalgar Square's a shit hole.
Rolls are called baps.
And a fish supper is £8.
Oh, here she comes.
Here's the chef.
Oh, yes! Oh, good on you, Beth.
OK, right.
Colin, one bacon and one square sausage.
Oh, Cath'll be sorry she missed this.
She likes a bacon roll.
Should you not send her a text in case she wakes up and wonders where you are? - All right.
- Christine.
Oh! You beauty! - A bacon roll, eh, Eric? - Aye.
- Sophie, that's for you.
- Thanks.
- Eric.
- Oh, yes.
- You not got any bacon, Eric? - No, scrambled egg for him.
Uh-uh! It's already salted.
Thanks very much, Beth.
Much obliged to ya.
There's not too much butter in this, is there? - No.
- It's just, I'm watching my cholesterol.
Just the two bits of bacon, eh? Aw! God bless you, Beth.
- Any brown sauce, Beth? - What? Gotta have brown sauce on square sausage.
Brown sauce on a sausage? - Aye.
- Oh, no.
Tomato sauce on a sausage.
Brown sauce on an egg.
Brown sauce on an egg? No, that's not right.
How is it no? Eric, what do you take on a sausage? - Nothing.
- Eh? I don't take anything.
Well, that's all right, if it's quality meat, but if it's Sophie, what have you got in your roll? Sausage.
Want a wee bit of brown sauce? - No, thanks.
- Are you sure? Oh, don't question her.
It's her way or the highway.
Go on, take a wee bit.
It'll get that baby kicking.
In fact, it'll be jumping for joy when it tastes it.
Here.
Eh? Oh.
Got it.
Hi, Cathy.
This place fucking stinks.
Who's having brown sauce? Revolting.
That is like shit in a bottle.
- Come on in, Cathy.
- You get my text? - Yes.
- You want a roll? No! Just coffee.
Oh, my God.
What time is it? What are you all doing? We're all wakened up by that bloody car.
- What car? - The car with the alarm going off.
- What alarm? - Did you not hear it? No! Shh.
I can't hear it.
It's went off.
So it has.
It's stopped! Oh, you dirty bastard.
Ah.
You all right, Sophie? - Yeah.
- Do you want anything else? I've got a Swiss roll I can open? I'm fine, Mrs Baird.
Is everything all right with you and your mom? Um, yeah.
It's fine.
Listen, I wanted to ask you something.
I was wondering if you and Mr Baird would consider being my godparents.
What? Well, godparents to the baby.
Oh! I've been thinking about who I should ask and Well, I've known you my whole life.
And you always make me feel so welcome.
My mum wants me to ask Pat over the back, but I would just rather it wasn't someone that was such a heavy smoker.
I would rather it was someone that I've chosen.
Oh, Sophie.
We'd love to.
You don't have to if you don't want to.
Of course we want to.
You've not told your mum yet? - No.
- Yeah, that's good.
And then she thought about, "Jade".
Oh, nice name, Jade.
No, I don't like it.
I picture quite an evil, wee lassie, do you know what I mean? Jade.
Jade! You can just imagine her poking out your eyes while you're asleep.
God Almighty.
I quite like "Janette".
Oh, you cannot call a baby, Janette.
- How no? - Janette? - What about "India"? - As a name? Yes.
It's a nice name.
India.
India, in you come now.
In for your bath.
India, upstairs.
Mummy's very cross.
- India! - Aye.
All right, Cath.
It's a nice name, India.
It's unusual.
And what if it's twins? What do we call the other one? Pakistan? - What's going on? - Oh, they're talking about names.
Don't start this again.
I swear to God.
I was just saying, Sophie, "India" is a nice name.
India O'Neil.
Seems like a film star.
What kind of film? What were you thinking of, Sophie? - Well, I quite like - Christine.
No, I don't want to talk about this.
Every time I say the ones that I am thinking of she just says that she doesn't like them.
That's not true.
Sophie, which names do you like, hmm? Well, the names that I like are for a girl, Dakota.
Oh! And if it's a boy, Brandon.
No.
It's very difficult.
We had a terrible time trying to decide what to call Ian.
- Mmm.
- Oh, I can imagine.
You just get fed up and go for anything in the end, wouldn't ya? Do you know, I quite like Ian? Christine, Janette for a girl and Ian for a boy.
- Mmm-hmm.
- Are you joking? - How'd you mean? - Ian and Janette? That's the bloody Krankies.
Oh! So it is.
I never thought Oh, I cannae stand them.
Them and Mr Blobby.
Remember Mr Blobby, Beth? - What? - That wasnae entertainment.
That was just somebody going about pissing people off.
Well, I'm sure we'll settle on something.
Ah, right.
Everybody finished? What time is it? Time we called it a night.
Yeah, I reckon.
Beth? Bitsy, bitsy, pretty please, could I have a tiny, wee bit more coffee, please.
Oh, God, Cathy.
To be fair, I could go another tea actually.
You need something to wash down your roll, don't ya? Anybody else? You got any Irn-Bru, Beth? God, don't start.
It's contagious.
- What is? - Yawning.
You see someone yawn, the next thing, you're at it yourself.
Look.
Oh, I can't get it.
Eric, do another one.
Christine, you watch.
See if it makes you do one too.
How do you just do that? You have to wait.
All right, we'll wait.
Oh You got one coming? Oh, I think so.
Hang on.
Hang on.
When were you last at the dentist? Right.
Here you are.
- I nearly had it there.
- Beth, you spoiled Christine's yawn.
Can we get the telly on? There's nothing on at this time.
It's just Roulette, old episodes of Morse and deaf EastEnders - I quite like that.
- Let's stick the news on.
You got Sky News, Eric? That mob? Oh Somebody farts and before you know it, they've got the chopper out, and then Kay Burley's chapping on folks doors asking how it smelt.
top Federal reserve official Col.
Psst.
Colin.
- This is boring.
- I know.
I know.
Oh, God, it's so boring.
It's just stuff happening and people talking about it.
I like to see them make mistakes.
Put something else on.
- Eric! - Well, what do you want? Go up.
Keep going up.
with this juicer Well, yes.
Juicers for sale.
Eh, Christine, you want a juicer? I've got juice in the fridge.
- What is that? - House of Commons.
- House of Lords.
- House of Lords.
Free-loading bastards.
No.
Nope.
Keep going.
Well, wait a wee minute.
What's that there? Go back! No, back another one.
Call me now.
- What's going on here? - I'm ready and waiting.
Well that's That's a phone-in thing, I think.
- Or text.
- 8-9-9-0-0 - Mmm-hmm.
- 69.
Just a bit of fun.
Get that off, Eric.
Putting horticulture back into education.
Nope.
No! No.
What's that? It's Gaelic.
It's the news in Gaelic.
Lost sheep and cancelled ferries.
Big deal.
What's that? - That's the radio channels now.
- Turn it up a bit, will you, Eric? I know that.
What is it? It's the music for the shipping forecast.
Oh So now the shipping forecast issued by the Met office on behalf of the Maritime and Coast Guard Agency.
Southwest Forties, Cromarty, Forth.
Westerly or North-Westerly four or five, becoming variable three or four.
Showers, good.
Well, showers are bad.
He just said showers are good.
Showers are bad.
Showers, good.
- South Biscay - Biscay? Where is Biscay? Shush! Put something else on.
I've been through all the channels.
Just leave this on, it's quite nice.
South westerly, five to seven, but three or four at first Come on, son.
Five to seven.
Maybe a four.
He'd be no use at the bingo him, would he? - I mean, who listens to this? - It's for boats.
- Who's out on a boat at this time? - Fishermen, Cathy.
Drug smugglers.
Folks sneaking about in canoes.
- Maybe some - Aye, all right.
Can we just hear it? - Rain.
Fog patches - Hmm.
Fog patches.
I used to listen to this when I was up during the night with her.
Mmm.
Used to put her down about 3:00 after a feed.
And I'd grab a couple hours, myself.
Round about this time, I would hear her starting to squawk, and I would think "Oh, "she's ready for another load.
" So I'd get you up, onto my knee.
Pull my nightie down at the front.
And you'd latch right on.
Away you'd go.
Suck.
Suck.
Suck.
Gulping away.
Oh, aye.
Quite happy.
What is it? - Felt something.
- Oh! Is it kicking? Oh, my God.
There it goes again.
Ooh.
Hello! Do you want a feel, Cath? Hiya.
Christine? Oh.
Oh! There it goes.
That's your grandchild in there, Christine.
Speak to it.
- Eh? - Speak to it.
And say what? Anything.
You're its granny.
Oh, aye.
Erm Hello in there.
I don't know what to say.
Just say whatever's in your heart.
Did you enjoy your roll? I enjoyed mine.
I had tomato sauce with it, not brown.
The bacon was a wee bit fatty, but hey, ho.
The roll itself was lovely.
So I'm looking forward to seeing ya.
I really am.
- Think it's stopped kicking now.
- Mmm.
You've sent it back to sleep, Christine.
Your hair's needing washed.
Well, I don't know about anybody else - but I am knackered.
- Aye.
Beth, could I have a little bit more - coffee, please? - No.
I don't think I'm going to be bothered with any breakfast, you know? Maybe have some cornflakes about 11:00.
Mind you, that's quite close to lunch time, isn't it? Don't know what I'm going to have for my lunch.
How many rolls did he Come back round about 12:00 and I'll make you one for your lunch, Christine.
- Thanks, Mrs Baird.
- No bother, pet.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Night, squire.
- Good night.
- We should do this again, Eric.
- Yeah.
Come on.
Leave it.
You can get it in the morning.
Oh, I don't want to go to bed, Col.
- Come on, Cathy.
- Oh please, Col.
Please, please, please.
Come on Cathy, let's get to bed.
Can we go to McDonald's? Let's go to McDonald's! No.
Col! Christ.
You never know what's going to happen next round here.
Sophie asked me if we'd be godparents to the baby.
- She did not.
- She did.
- What did you say? - Well, I said yes! Oh, dear God.
Oh, well.
- Quite nice really, isn't it? - I think so.
I wonder if it's going to be a boy or a girl.
- Heh.
- I hope it's a girl.
What was the name she had for a girl again? - Dakota.
- Oh, aye.
That's right.
North or South? - Night.
- Night.
Colin! Oh, Colin.
I've done something.
Shit.
Shit.