Ugly Americans (2010) s02e02 Episode Script

We all like to pretend that we're special Oh, oh! Help me.
I think I'm allergic to your minestrone.
That we have a destiny.
Ahh! But for some of us, it's not always what we hoped it would be.
My God, no! Ah! My petunias! Oh, great, aramaic.
This can't be good.
"Your arranged marriage draws nigh.
" Ugh! I am not marrying Twayne, no matter what daddy says! Don't blame the messenger.
Help me! That is the fishiest chili I've ever had.
Thank you.
The secret ingredient is me.
Well, that concludes the first annual Mark Lilly chili cook-off, and I am happy to announce first place goes to Everybody.
We are the champion, people.
Oh, and one last thing.
Don't forget to turn in your teacher evaluation forms, which have virtually nothing to do with the celebration we've had here today.
You are true champions.
Hmm.
It's all for you Callie! Ah! Oh.
I think I know what this is about.
Ah! - Ah! - Ah! You call that an omen? That's not even how you spell my name.
That is kind of cool.
Hey there, kitten.
Did you see the horrific visions I sent you? A little wedding gift for my only daughter.
Very sweet, daddy, but you know how I feel about arranged marriages.
Besides, I'm with Mark.
Your office boy toy? Please.
I've had relationships with strippers that were more serious.
You know I have a magical blood pact with the bone rapers.
You have to go through with this, or I'll be killed.
You only made this arrangement because you still feel guilty about ditching Twayne's mom at the altar.
Darling, you know I'm not capable of guilt.
I promised you to Twayne because his family is paying me a buttload of money to deliver a bride for that un[Bleep.]
able oaf.
My ears are burning.
Who's ready to go pick out centerpieces? Ah.
Cute earring.
Great.
I am literally attracted to you.
Like I said, magical blood pact.
Let's talk outside.
Twayne, do you really want to marry me? Well, duh.
It's preordained.
Aren't you tired of our parents trying to control our lives? I don't know if mommy would approve of this kind of talk.
"Wears the same shirt every day.
" "Can't discern between different types of chili.
" No one takes me seriously.
I can't imagine why.
I have to step up my game, start seeing them one-on-one.
The D.
O.
I.
Can't afford to provide those kinds of services.
Don't you read the budget reports? Ow! What has gotten into you today? Really stepped it up with the sadism.
Ugh, just more of daddy trying to control my life.
What else is new? Well, I'm sorry to hear that, but how can I get through to my case files if not at work? Your office boy toy? I've had relationships with strippers that were more serious.
You can use your apartment as your office and move in with me.
Wow, that's a big step.
I didn't know you were ready to make that kind of commitment.
Of course I'm ready.
I mean, come on, why else would I ask you? I don't know.
- That slot, bunch of pigs all - Randall? Oh, my God! Ladies, don't leave.
Thanks a lot, Mark.
I already paid for the full hour.
You owe me $37, or I could just take it out of the rent.
Your choice.
Look, uh, I've got some news that might fix this situation.
I'm moving in with Callie.
Oh, my God.
Are you drugged? No, let go.
We're just going to try it out, see how it goes.
Now you can use my room freely for your vile sexcapades, and I will use your old room to conduct one-on-one therapy sessions with my students.
I tell you what.
Throw an extra hundred bucks, and you got yourself a deal.
Fine.
Now, if you'll excuse us, it's feeding time.
Here pig, pig, pig, pig, pig.
Woo-ee! Callie, sweetheart, you called this meeting.
Is there some sort of problem, dear? I have an announcement to make.
I'm moving in with Mark and withdrawing from my arranged marriage to Twayne.
But if I don't provide a bride for Twayne, I'll be brutally murdered.
It's all right here, dear.
Please don't address my client directly.
I hate to interrupt, but does anybody have some toilet paper? I got a nosebleed on the way down here.
It's the change in altitude.
I'm not marrying this loser.
By "I," I mean her.
Maybe we should eliminate the real problem, your milquetoast boy toy.
What's his face? His name is Mark Lilly.
Leave my boyfriend out of this.
He has no idea about me marrying Twayne, and it's going to stay that way.
Don't start something you can't finish, dear.
Where do I find Mark Lilly? Just getting my BlackBerry.
Tell the doctor I'm dropping a deuce.
Welcome.
You're my first private session.
Kind of an exciting moment for me, but I guess we should focus on you.
Ah, what's been going on? Bought trans am like smoky and bandit on credit.
Mm-hmm.
Couldn't afford.
So now they call all time.
Well, money is often the biggest cause of stress in our lives, have you thought about Whoa! Oh, hey, Mark, while you're out will you pick up tp? Your towel's out of clean spots.
Ah, ah! Oh, my God! Let me out of here! I think you'll find escape quite impossible, Mark.
I don't want to die.
I just grew up.
You've interfered with Callie for the last time.
America's newest millionaire.
Wait.
What? I'm bribing you to break up with my daughter.
And to sweeten the deal, here's my famous strawberry rhubarb pie.
I have to respectfully decline, but I am sure it's delicious.
I'm afraid I'm out of briefcases, Mark.
My last offer is death.
Huh? Excuse me for just one minute.
I'm in the middle of a murder, honey.
Can this wait? No.
I want you to stop interfering in our daughter's life.
Callie should be able to make her own decisions.
But, Rosie, have you seen this loser? - Put your pie away.
- Put my pie away? Put the pie away.
The pie was your idea.
You said the next time you want to kill someone, try giving them a pie instead.
Why on earth would I ever tell you to try to bribe someone with a pie? That literally makes no sense at all.
Why don't we start at the beginning.
Was there a time you ever cared for each other? Well Well, I can't believe I let you talk us into this, but here goes nothing.
A few decades back, I had an arranged marriage to Violet bone raper, Twayne's mom.
But I just couldn't go through with it, so I ditched her at the altar.
Oh, ring-a-ding ding, mack, just keeping your seat warm.
I thought I was only delaying the inevitable, but then I saw her, the most beautiful woman in the world and my way out.
Frankie, I want your girl.
Don't waste your time.
I've been trying to crack that walnut for weeks.
She wants a baby.
No kidding? I'll cut to the chase, sweetheart.
You rub my back, I'll impregnate yours.
Okay.
I do want a baby, but you can't kill me after I've had it.
Fine, fine.
Initial here in blood.
Initial here in blood.
Initial here in blood.
Initial here in blood.
Initial here in blood.
Hmm, hmm, hmm.
And initial here in blood.
Splendid.
Now let's hit Vegas and lock this down.
The marriage didn't last, but I got Callie, which made everything worth it, right, honey? Yeah, you took away my soul and then dumped me for a slough of younger women.
Glad I could be a part of it.
Oh, you weren't using your soul anyway.
You will have to excuse me.
My secretary has just alerted me to an emergency outside.
Ha! We need to get out of here immediately.
My dad is kind of homicidal about us living together.
I think we're past that.
He's in my office with your mom.
This ends now.
I really don't like to interrupt a session in progress, especially with a crossbow.
- Oh, the horror.
- The horror.
- Stroke.
- Mm-hmm.
- Stroke.
- Yep.
- Stroke.
- Mm-hmm.
Stoke.
Doug, why don't you take the rest of the day off.
- Stroke.
- Sure.
- Stroke.
- Mm-hmm.
- Stroke.
- Yep, yep.
- Stroke.
- All right.
Didn't see that one coming.
Hopefully my dad's so distracted by the make-up sex, he'll stop meddling in my life.
Wow, last time I was here, I was just a baby, and I looked just like that.
This one goes out to mack, Rosie, and their new little bundle of pure evil.
Let's take a walk down memory Lane with when I was 17.
A one, two, a one, two, three.
Ring-a-ding ding, guys.
Callie, meet your new sister, Lillith.
You're off the hook, congratulations.
New sister? But we just caught you having sex yesterday.
Thanks to all the hormone injections I've been getting, Lillith was born this morning and will age one year every day.
She was be taking Callie's place with Twayne.
Goochie goochie goo.
Hey, guys.
Okay, whiskey for the daddy, Martini for the mommy, and a bottle of milk for my special girl.
Wait, you mean she'll be taking Callie's job? She means Lillith will be taking my place as Twayne's emergency contact on his library card.
Yeah, that sounds passable.
Oh, well, I'm so glad that I could put a family back together in my first week of private practice.
If you could leave a favorable review on yelp, that would be greatly appreciated.
To responsibility.
Ugh, I can't believe you're living with this zero.
I'm killing him now.
No! I can't risk another toast, sweetie.
I don't expect you to understand, daddy.
It's our only chance to have a normal life together.
If you want to waste your time with this schlub, be my guest.
I have a new little bundle of evil now.
Your services are no longer required.
You wouldn't think twice about changing a lightbulb unless you had a demon child like me Ah! Lillith, help! I'm your mother! "Heard about the accident.
Don't need the drama.
Peace out, macky.
" Kill it or me, but I'm not raising the omen baby by myself.
I want to live with you.
Mark, we're just starting out as a carefree urban couple.
I don't think we are ready to be parents.
She's going to be 18 in under two weeks.
It'll be a good test to see if we are ready for the real thing.
Yay.
Oh, there is my little kitten.
And Lillith, age six, her first pony ride.
Uh-oh.
Looks like we got some technical difficulties here.
Ah! Really, Lillith? I wasn't doing hot heads past the age of four.
- You're old and saggy.
- Ugh.
Every day is a birthday with Lillith, day ten, age ten.
We're doing it Mexican style deedle-ee deedle-ee da la do do deedle deedle deedle goddamn it! How can the memory card be full? I just emptied this thing.
Hmm - Ow, my pants! - Oh! You're lucky your foster dad wasn't conscious to find out about this.
Okay.
Gamely proceeding forth, still haven't caught that mugger, but dad's healing nicely.
Parent-teacher conference day for my big girl in seventh grade.
Seems like only yesterday, you were in sixth grade.
Oh, wait.
That was yesterday.
Daddy, you're so funny.
Well, thank you, sweetheart.
The jokes are there for the people who want to hear them.
We need to have a serious discussion about Lillith.
She made the school mascot come to life, and it ate the whole marching band.
They grow up so fast.
Hey, 'rents, do you think this dress is tight enough? Holy mackerel.
Ah! Mr.
Lilly, Ms.
Maggotbone.
What are you doing here? I just wanted to take Lillith out for some burgers and shakes, and then maybe enjoy a Christian troubadour at the local abstinence fair.
- Mm-hmm.
- Um Just get it out of your system.
You know who you're going to have to be with in the end.
See you later, daddy.
Bup, bup, bup.
Hand it over.
Here's $20, home by 2:00.
Have a great time, kids.
Whoo! Don't worry.
I keep a spare penis in the seat compartment.
Whoo-hoo! Oh! Thanks for see me on such short notice, Mark.
Of course.
What seems to be the problem? Well, this is a little awkward, but I wanted to get your blessing.
I know it's an arranged marriage, but I would just feel better if I had your nod of approval.
What? Blessing to marry who? Mr.
Lilly, may I have your permission to marry your adopted daughter, Lillith? What are you talking about? Oh, alger mack promised to make Callie my bride, but now he's replaced her with Lillith.
Which is cool, 'cause she's hotter anyway.
Absolutely not! Oh, she definitely is, which is the problem.
In seven hours, I'm supposed to Do the intercourse with Lillith.
I mean, it's a lot of pressure.
My mom will be there.
I think it might be televised.
Televised? Of course.
It's a demon wedding.
We consummate on the sex altar in front of everyone.
So much pressure.
Over my dead body! You will not be marrying my daughter or doing the intercourse with her! Well, she's technically not your daughter.
Callie, we have to talk.
I just found out that Twayne is supposed to get married to your sister and have sex with her in public.
On the one hand, I am completely shocked and disgusted, and on the other, I'm a little upset I didn't even get to help her pick out the dress.
I'm sorry.
It just never seemed like the right time to bring something like that up.
Ugh, how could you be a part of this? You're right.
I couldn't agree with you more.
Hey, bitches.
Lillith, I'm glad you're here.
Your pop-pop and I have something to say to you.
I couldn't believe it when daddy told me I had to marry Twayne.
He had no right to try and control my life like that.
But now I see that I've been trying to do the exact same thing to you.
If you want to weasel out of your arrangement like I did, I'm fine with that.
So you don't want me to marry Twayne? That's right.
I don't want you to.
Well, how do you like this, sis? I'm going to do the exact opposite of what you want me to do.
I am going to marry him.
You're too old for him anyway, hag.
So, can I have my penis back now? Can you believe how wonderful the sex altar looks? I've got the know the florist she used.
Twayne, I just want you to know that if it weren't for my blood pact with your family, I wouldn't let you within It is time.
I don't know if I can do this.
Just think of something is that makes you happy.
Get out there, cowboy.
Ponies ponies, ponies, ponies, ponies, ponies, ponies, ponies.
Honestly, I still can't believe you're going to sleep with Twayne in front of this entire stadium, but I guess I have to be respectful of our cultural differences, so go and have a good life with the man you were created for.
Twayne is a dolt, and my annoying sister doesn't appreciate you.
That's really no way to talk about your sister or your future husband.
And in about three minutes, I will be destroying the two of them and consummating my marriage to you on the sex altar.
Um, this is was not the talk I had in mind.
See you out there, daddy.
Being a father of the bride is really stressful.
We are gathered here today to witness the marriage of these two demon lovers.
Does anyone know why these two should not get busy? In that case, let's get ready for some humping! Ah, ah.
Yeah.
Um, I think I'm going to need a bigger mating bone.
Fluffers.
How'd your little talk go? Interesting thing about that.
She said she's going to kill you and Twayne so she can marry me.
Kill me? Marry you? That's it in a nutshell.
Oh, I don't think so.
Hold my soul, please.
This ends now.
Go get her, honey.
Stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke.
Don't worry, Twayne.
This will only kill a little.
You will not be killing my boss and [Bleep.]
Ing my boyfriend.
But you will be getting [Bleep.]
Ed up.
Well, I took quite a spill, but I think I might be regaining the use of my legs if I just Huh! Not cool.
Mwah! Sorry, everyone.
Show's over.
There will be no demonic wedding today and no refunds.
But be sure to visit the gift shop on the way out.
Thank you, and drive safely.
Is it wrong to say I'm happy to see Lillith gone? I'm going to have to patch things up with Twayne's mom again, but I like our little family the way it is.
Except for you, Mark.
Play us off, Frankie.
You got it, chairman.
A one, two, three.
Destiny can be a curse.
You can try to control it These are going to be collector's items one day.
Ah, no they're not.
But typically, it controls you.
Be honest.
Now that you don't have to marry Twayne, do you still want to live with me? Have your stuff out of my place by Monday.
I figured.