Undateable (2014) s02e02 Episode Script

Wow.
You drank that really fast.
You should see me have sex.
You are not great at bragging.
That's just Bursk being Bursk.
I've only been here for a couple of weeks, but I feel like I'm really getting to know you guys.
Like, Justin, you are an incredible boss and a great dancer.
Oh, please.
And, Danny, I know whenever somebody compliments Justin, you have to prove you're better than him.
That's actually not true.
Do you guys want a Anybody want a pretzel? Ohhh! And, Shelly, you're magic, because you make me disappear a lot.
Oh, where did she go?! Though I don't love being tied to the disappearance of a white girl.
And my favorite bartender, Brick.
I'm the only bartender, and it's Brett.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was just gonna do a record-scratch thing, like Brick-a-brick- a-bri-i-ck-Brett.
I'm really bad with names.
I've been dating my boyfriend for over a year, and I still don't know his friends' names.
That's why he gave me the nickname dumb-dumb.
He sounds great.
I know how hard it is to be the new kid.
I had to go to a new school in sixth grade.
I didn't have many friends.
It was that moment that they all realized that Justin had the worst childhood ever.
What are you doing? I just bought "the wonder years" DVD box set, so I'm doing my own voice-over in my actual life.
That's insane, Danny.
Nobody wants that.
But they all wanted it.
It's just that nobody had the courage to say it.
Just like no one was telling Justin that he stands like a dancer on break.
Well, there's a bit of a flaw there, Danny.
Dancers don't take breaks.
Five, six, seven, and Oh-oh-oh, oh, oh Burski: And we're back.
Justin: Just like Detroit.
Danny: Okay, you've ruined comebacks.
'Sup, bae? I dig your dump truck.
I'm talking about your butt.
You're a pig.
And second of all, thanks.
I've had a rough day.
I know another way you could thank me.
Come over to my place and hop on the pony.
If you're talking about a real pony, I'll go.
If you're talking about your penis, I will not.
Hey.
Guys, this is my boyfriend, Trent.
He's a deejay.
Oh, no way.
I'm a deejay, too.
No, you're not.
Uh, I have a computer and headphones, and I know how to jump up and down and press play on iTunes, so Yeah, I'm a deejay.
Trent, these are my Okay, we're going.
See ya! Wow.
He's a total tool, and that's coming from me, so you know he's got to be pretty bad.
Look, we we have to tell Candace that she can do better than Trent.
I actually have an even better idea.
We should never tell her ever, because if we do, she's gonna want to kill us.
If I were her, I'd want to know.
Oh, really, Leslie? Because you just loved it when I told you that your boyfriend in high school was cheating on you.
Relax.
I barely hit you.
With your car.
Danny, Candace hasn't had the greatest childhood.
She grew up poor, not many friends, dad never around.
'Cause, you see, when I hire people, I become, well, sort of a father figure.
Are you done? Not yet, Bucko.
I already know what kind of father I'm gonna be.
A listener check.
A teacher check.
A hardass who doesn't bend the rules no check.
Then, one day, my son J.
J.
will come in Justin Jr And he'll walk up to me and say, "Hey, dad, um, do you mind if I quit football to join the school production of 'grease'?" "You're grounded if you don't.
" That's why, when I'm on my death bed, my son will lean down and say to me, "daddy, I love you.
" "But we're pulling the plug.
" My son would never pull the plug on me.
I work at a retirement home.
Trust me he will.
Bye, Jake.
Pkkw! So, how was your date? Jake thinks I'm a horrible kisser.
I've gotten that before.
I've also heard "too wet," "too much tongue," "penis out" Usual stuff.
My first foray into dating, and and he's gonna tell the entire gay community that I can't kiss.
Leslie: Jake's my friend.
Calm down.
He's not gonna say anything.
That's him, isn't it, telling you how bad I was, isn't it? It is him, but it's just an emoji of a kissy face.
Okay.
Followed by I'mstraightnow.
Guys, guys, it's time to tell Candace about Trent.
All right, shell, you're our hug guy.
I need you to have one ready.
I always keep one in the chamber.
All right, let's do this.
Come on.
Candace.
I think I might know what this is about.
I am very sorry that I slapped that customer.
I didn't know sex on a beach was a drink.
Candace, listen, Trent hit on Leslie.
He's not a good guy.
Wow.
You're a jerk.
I mean, who asked you guys, anyways? The answer was no one.
No one had asked.
Yeah, Trent is a flirt, but he never does anything about it.
Danny was wise to stay out of Candace's personal affair.
Yeah.
Danny's voice-over is right.
I mean, you don't see me judging your lives! Leslie, I didn't say anything when you ordered a pitcher of wine.
Sangria comes in pitchers.
Putting an old orange peel into your wine doesn't make it sangria.
And you I thought we were becoming friends, but I should have known from your nice khakis.
My mom said never to trust rich people.
Thank you for not sticking your nose in my business.
You're welcome, Candace.
Don't you dare do a voice-over.
But Danny had to dare.
Oh, hey, if you're brewing tea, don't bother.
Your stuffed animals called and said they can't make the party.
Oh, that's Candace.
She's coming over to talk.
I assume it's to apologize, so I brewed some tea.
Oh.
Justin.
Danny, can I talk to you about something? Oh, sure.
I just made us some tea.
Justin: What? Oh, you made the tea? That's interesting.
What flavor is it? Fancy time.
Okay.
I'll be in the kitchen.
Sit down.
Come on.
Uh Aah! Aah! A-anyway I wanted to talk to you about Trent.
I mean, if I'm being honest, Trent hasn't been the best boyfriend lately.
He kind of, like, ignores me when we're around his friends, and sometimes I think that he's just Embarrassed of me.
You know, if you want, we could stop talking about all this Trent stuff.
You know, lately, I feel like he's been using me.
Oh, good.
You want to keep going.
He borrows money, and he doesn't pay me back.
Do you think I'm doing the right thing sticking with him? No! I'm I'm sorry.
I wasn't eavesdropping.
I was I just realized I forgot to dvr "scandal.
" No! No! - No! - Hey, hey.
You could just watch it online.
It's not the same, Daniel! Come on, Danny.
I really trust you.
What do you think I should do about the Trent thing? You're a big girl, and I think that you'll make the right decision for yourself, huh? Okay.
Oh, thank you, Danny.
You're gonna be a great dad someday.
Uh, well, you know, I don't remember three days in Spain, so I might be.
Leslie: Good news.
I fixed things with Jake.
Did you tell him not to say anything? No.
I said that you were nervous and to give you another shot tomorrow.
How is this gonna be better by tomorrow? Oh, calm down, my little Cadbury's cream puff.
We just need to see what you're working with.
How? Come on, Brett.
Let's dance.
Oh, sweetie.
That was awful.
I can fix it.
Don't worry.
I happen to be an excellent kisser.
It's true.
You can ask any of his old girlfriends or his childhood miss piggy doll.
I made that piggy squeal.
And I made the frog watch.
Well, I hope you're proud of yourself.
Uh, yeah, I am.
But what are we talking about? Candace gave Danny the perfect opportunity to end this whole Trent thing.
And guess what he did.
Nothing.
You're just pissed because she chose me as the father figure.
Maybe she did.
We're still a family.
Guess that makes me the concerned big brother.
That's such a weird thing for the overbearing mom to say.
Mom, can you make me some pizza rolls? Not now, Shelly.
Plus, you already had your snack.
Candace is such a good girl.
If you had an opportunity to help her get rid of that loser, why wouldn't you do that? Oh, and it was right then that Danny realized he had made a huge mistake.
What the hell are you doing? Well, you're not the only one who can do voice-over.
But Justin realized that Danny was the only one who can do voice-over.
"If you wanted a voice-over battle, you found one," Justin thought.
"You want to know what I think of your voice-over?" Danny thought.
"I'm not having this conversation," Justin thought.
"Conversation, smonversation," Danny thought.
"'Smonversation' isn't a word, and even if it was, Danny was too dumb to spell it," Justin thought.
"S-m o n-v e-r s-a-t-i-o-n," Danny thought.
All right, look, so Trent treats Candace like crap.
Whatever, dude.
You know what? She's a big girl, okay? She can decide on her own what to do.
Bye, baby.
So, I've been thinking about our talk, and Trent hasn't been making me feel very good about myself lately, but do you know whose fault that is? Is it Trent? Mine.
I haven't been all-in on this relationship.
You were right.
I'm a big girl.
So I'm gonna let Trent move in with me.
Thank you, Danny.
Anytime.
That is such a stupid decision.
Why did she make that? Well, she's young.
What's your excuse? - Ooooh.
- Ooooh.
Hey, look, if I admit that I maybe messed up with Candace, could you maybe not make it seem like I changed as a person? I'm sorry.
Have we met? 'Cause, I mean, you look exactly like my friend Danny Burton, but you're acting nothing like him.
I love this.
Let's go.
Let's fix this.
Oh, that's weird.
That was even worse! It's like your teeth are somehow in front of your lips.
Try again.
This is never gonna work.
Before I came out, I kissed loads of girls, and that's probably why I suck at this.
My kissing style is designed to make people want to stop kissing me.
Enough.
I-I don't want to kiss girls, and, to be honest, I didn't want to kiss Jake.
But that's it! It didn't work with those other people because you weren't emotionally invested.
You're a romantic.
You need to care.
What are you talking about? Now, I want you to imagine your perfect man.
Well, that's easy.
That's Zac Efron's abs, Bradley Cooper's eyes, Colin Farrell's accent, Matt Damon's chin, Matthew McConaughey's smile, and the everything else of Michael Fassbender.
I call him Za-Brad-Co Mc-Damon-Bender.
Well, I want you to close your eyes and imagine he's right in front of you.
Oh.
Do you see him? Oh, yeah.
He, uh He's just over there in the field.
Chopping wood.
Okay, now.
Just remember, it's not just superficial.
You know, he takes care of you, he respects you.
Now, I want you to just lean in and kiss that man.
How committed are you to your homosexuality? Yes! I did it! I can kiss! Shelly! Shelly! Hi, guys.
Welcome to my castle.
I don't like her living like this.
Uh, Candace, your mother and I would like a word with you.
Okay, I'm just making room for Trent's turntables.
Danny, lay it on her, please.
All right, um Candace, can you sit down for a sec? Um About Trent You know, some guys in life Are not Great.
The end.
Candace, listen.
What Danny is trying to say Well, there's no No, no, just give me a second.
Okay.
If you could just Listen, what Danny is trying to say is We're worried about you and this Trent boy.
Sorry.
Look, uh Your mother and I are never gonna tell you who you can and cannot date.
Well, I mean, I'd like him to have a college education.
Yeah, but sometimes it's actually better for him to learn a trade, because magic Mike didn't have a college education but he seemed to do pretty well for himself, okay? He was a stripper.
Yeah, he he also built furniture.
Stripping funded his dream.
There are other ways to fund your dreams - besides taking your clothes off.
- Name one! Paralegal! Mike magic Mike could have been a paralegal.
He could have worked at a law firm.
Then he wouldn't have to get naked and start slapping his thing on lonely middle-aged women's faces every night.
I-I feel like you watched a different movie.
Well, then I must have watched a different movie 10 times.
Candace, the point is Trent's not a good guy.
Oh, great.
You're turning on me, too? I know that I've I've only known you for a few weeks now, but I can say with absolute confidence that you're a great person.
Trent doesn't deserve you.
Look, you guys don't get it.
I grew up completely alone.
My dad left.
My mom was just struggling to get by.
And, yeah, Trent's not perfect, but at least he's always there for me, you know? Yeah, I-I know.
I-I get that.
I also know what it means to have people that are there for you.
Bring it home, dad.
You don't need people like Trent in your life anymore because You have us now.
We should probably go before your mother starts getting all emotional.
Hearing you Talk like this It's like I'm meeting you for the first time all over again.
All right.
I'll s-s-see you later.
Hey.
You wanted to talk, dumb-dumb? Yeah, uh, thank you for coming.
I wanted to tell you something.
Um I love you.
Candace! Come on! Uh, but somebody I really trust said that I could do better.
Oh, that was me.
And somebody else got really emotional.
That that was We know.
These guys have just shown me what being cared about really looks like.
And I just don't really get that from you, so, um, we're done.
Whatevskis.
You wouldn't last a day in Detroit alone.
You're too weak.
You know what? You can call me a lot of things.
Overly optimistic, too nice bad at lists.
But I am not weak.
Yeah.
She's not alone, bro.
Yeah.
She has very strong friends.
Not him.
He's talking about other friends that are strong.
Friends that already don't like you.
Yeah.
Friends who think at maybe you're the dumb-dumb.
So, why don't you get out of here, loser? Break-up selfie.
Thank you guys.
You're the best.
I still got that hug in the chamber.
Oh.
Wait, wait, wait.
Guys.
Um.
Danny, can I ask you a favor? Sure.
Oh, yeah.
No problem.
And it was in that moment that Candice realize, that not only were these people her friends.
They were her family now.
I'm sorry Jake.
But, if we go out.
It's gonna lead to more kissing.
And I assure you, that's gonna suck.
Unless, you're okay with me imagining you as Za-Brad-Co Mc-Damon-Bender.
I'm cool with that.
Since we started talking.
You've been Le-Bron Enerson-Cooper.
My dream guy is a combo of Taylor Kitsch, Taye Diggs Ben Affleck, Ryan Gosling, and Chris Hemsworth.
Ooh.
Tay-Tay-Ben Gosling-Worth Mine's Leslie Burton.
Oh, that's just my whole name.
It's a combo, between you and Danny.
All right.
Uh