United States of Al (2021) s02e02 Episode Script

Okay, so what kind of job are you looking for? A job where I can make a lot of money in a short amount of time.
There's a kid on YouTube who makes a million bucks a year opening toys.
I could do that.
I would do it for half a million.
You're looking for another job? You already got three.
Yes, but I need more money for my sister in Turkey.
She left Afghanistan with nothing.
What about prison guard? Oh, a friend of mine does that at Franklin County.
A friend of mine is locked up at Franklin County.
- What are the odds? - High.
What's a repo man? Oh, that's when you go around and take people's cars because they didn't pay.
It's like if Robin Hood was kind of a dick.
Oh, it says they specifically want people with military experience.
Riley, we could do this.
- Hold on, guys, don't make any - I'm in! Yes! Are you sure? People are gonna be pissed when you try to take their car.
Have you ever driven PostMates? Let me tell you, people are mad all the time.
When you get ice cream delivered, it is going to melt.
Yell at science.
Okay, I am ready.
Hang on.
Hazel, brief him on the scenario.
This deadbeat hasn't made a car payment in four months.
He blew all his money on video games and candy.
You have ten seconds.
Go! Uh-oh, the guy's looking out his window! Hurry! Time.
- What?! - Game over.
He hit you with a throwing star from his porch.
You never saw it coming.
- Go again.
- Go! Freeze! Close your eyes.
What color is my shirt? Um, red? Not even close.
You've lost your situational awareness.
Hazel? Crossbow from the balcony, you're toast.
Al, you got to focus.
The enemy is out there, training harder than you right now.
Eh, maybe he should put that energy into paying his car bill.
Let me show you.
Hazel? A scary clown.
Go! Hurry up, he's got a bottle of seltzer! Be careful with my car.
Back off, sir, it's the bank's car now.
Don't use your Marine voice with me.
Hazel, let's go.
That's how it's done.
Not so easy when somebody is staring at you, is it? Someone's coming.
I need 20 seconds.
I'm on it.
Hello, there.
Hey, what's going on? I am so sorry to disturb you, sir.
But I was passing by your garden and I couldn't help but admire oh! These are such beautiful flowers.
And they look so big.
What kind of manure do you feed them is it pigeon? The reason I ask is because my grandfather kept flowers up on the roof and they looked healthier and better than anyone else's.
Later, we found out that the neighbor's pigeons would come there for their evening romance.
Whoa, whoa, hey, hey! What the hell?! Is that guy stealing your car? Don't worry, I will stop him! Morning! We got pancakes, sausages, scones.
There's eggs over there.
Ah, damn it.
I died in my sleep, didn't I? Yeah, the guys are a little wired after their big night.
Ooh, did you get a car? Nope we got three.
And I'm sending all the money to my sister.
Oh, that's a beautiful thing for a brother to do.
- Don't you think, Riley? - Yeah, Al's great.
So the first car, Al distracted him while I got in and we split.
Like taking candy from a stupid baby.
The second one, we followed a guy to the bar, bought him some drinks.
Told him we didn't think he should drive.
So we did the right thing We took him home, gave him crackers, and then we took his car.
The third one got a little hairy.
I don't want to repeat all the details in front of Hazel, but there's a Mustang in the driveway and I finally got to use my Taser.
- Can you drive me to school in it? - Absolutely.
Can you show me how to use the Taser? Not a chance.
Let me just grab some 'cakes for the road.
I truly do not care if you eat in that car.
Bring the maple syrup.
After I drop her off, I'll head straight to the worksite.
Get the cement going.
Wow, it's been a while since I saw Riley with a bounce in his step.
Oh, you should've seen him out there, Mr.
Art.
He was so sharp and on his game.
Not to be a bummer, but is anyone worried that Riley's got a Taser and now he thinks he's Batman? They're not doing anything illegal.
We are not.
See? Just be happy for your brother.
All right? He's been in combat, he can hack it.
I'm just saying, this job takes bravery and strength and good judgment, and Riley's got two of those.
Travel bacon.
Oh, hey.
Hey, sorry to just drop by.
Is Hazel okay? Yeah, she's with my dad.
What a great kid, huh? I like her.
Uh, what's going on? Um, I just wanted to give you this.
Uh, we're already squared up for this month.
I know, it's extra.
Use it for something you need.
Or don't need.
Use it for whatever.
That's really nice.
But, um why don't you send it to Al's sister? Uh, thanks.
Be much appreciated.
Do you want to come in? Can't.
I got therapy.
Say hi to Freddy for me.
Who was that? I'm not sure.
So the car's over here by the mailbox.
I'm across the street with my buddy.
And the deadbeat is mowing his lawn with, I'm guessing, his neighbor's lawnmower which he never returned.
- So you flanked him.
- Exactly.
Never saw me coming till it was too late.
Now he throws a punch.
I dodge it and go straight for the car.
- Uh-huh.
- Any other time, this dude's face would've been beating the hell out of my fists, but I thought, we got the car, mission accomplished.
Let's get the hell out of there.
You're the doctor but that sounds like growth to me.
You know, I notice this is the first time you've ever used the word "mission" in any of our sessions.
Although honestly, it's the first time you've used almost any word in our sessions.
I feel like I found my thing.
Sure, when I first got back from Vietnam, I kind of missed the action.
So I became a bouncer at a strip club in Lincoln, Nebraska.
Oh, that sounds kind of awesome.
Yeah.
Lot of farmer's daughter acts.
Well, I just want to thank you because I feel so much better.
I don't think I need therapy anymore.
Mm, so you don't want to talk about anything that's happening in any particular country in the world right now? Not really.
Starts with an "A," ends with a "stan.
" I know what you're getting at.
I'm telling you, I'm fine.
Plus, if I leave now, parking's free.
I'm gonna hold your session for next week just in case.
Uh-uh, I'm not seeing you again unless you miss a car payment.
We should've taken my car You don't have seat warmers.
You won't let me eat in your car.
You know why I think I'm so good at this? Because I am doing most of the work? When I was in seventh grade, a couple of us used to hang out at the gas station at night.
We'd wait for someone to go in to buy cigarettes or lottery tickets and they'd leave their car running.
We'd hop in, drive around the block, ditch the car and leave.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
I used to break into rich people's houses and steal fruit.
I could climb a three-meter wall with a pomegranate in each hand.
One time, this guy pulled up in a suped-up Camaro.
Taught myself how to drive stick while he was doing a scratcher.
One time, I stole peaches from the French ambassador's yard, so technically I am an international fruit thief.
Hmm, that's a good pickup line.
Another time, I took my neighbor's chicken and I wanted to sell it in the market.
My neighbor caught me and asked "Where are you taking my chicken?" So I said, "I'm taking it for a haircut.
" What? Never mind, the peach story was better.
Okay, his bedroom light's been out for 15 minutes.
He's asleep.
Now's our chance.
Hold this.
Go get 'em.
Wow, there is taco everywhere.
Oh, no.
The lights are on.
Riley! Riley, he's up! Riley! Drive! Drive! Go, go, go, go, go! Go! Go! Our first mistake was we were made.
Which means during our initial stakeout we either parked too close or we stayed too long.
Our second mistake was eating in the car.
We need to focus.
We won't do that again.
We had a setback with minimal loss of equipment.
We can learn from this and they showed their hand.
Let me show you my hand.
I am ready to go again.
Yes! What happened to your truck? Used it to put a sweet dent in a guy's bat.
Why are you smiling? I know what the problem is We didn't have the right gear.
We need better surveillance equipment.
Yes, night vision.
- And a grappling hook.
- I'll make a list.
Are you guys listening to yourselves? Yes.
But we should be listening to the bad guys with a parabolic microphone! - Are you serious? Are you serious? - Yes! Yes! Okay.
Buttonhook! Nice.
Eh, T-bones, huh? Yep.
- Want to take over? - Thank you.
Hazel, hit me! Nice.
Go long.
He's in a good mood for a guy with a cracked windshield.
I'm happy for him.
And also happy it was not my car.
Do you really think it's smart for you guys to be doing this? Oh, it's a great idea.
I've already been able to send money to my sister, my mother, my cousin.
Al you know how people have insurance? You're kind of your family's insurance policy.
I mean, they rely on you.
Yes, that is exactly why we are doing this.
So what happens to them if you take a baseball bat to the head? It won't.
I'm very fast.
But what if you do? Hey, guys.
Jell-O! We brought Jell-O.
Hi, Mom.
There they are! Who's thirsty? Freddy, I got that raspberry beer you like.
You remembered.
Sometimes it looks like I'm not listening, but sometimes I am.
- Cooler's over there, help yourself.
- Are you having one? No, want to stay sharp between the ears.
Since when? Good one.
Let me take this.
Hey, Mom, Dad got me a football.
Oh, nice.
You were right.
Something is definitely off about him.
Freddy, incoming! I'm okay.
Well, Riley's in an extra good mood.
He's like a super-hot Walmart greeter.
He said "nice sandals" to Freddy, and I think he kind of meant it.
So who's he banging? - Nobody.
- Oh, come on.
I swear I'm not jealous.
Just tell me.
It's not a girl.
Well, something's going on.
He told me I'm a good mom.
He's got this new side gig with Al, repo-ing cars.
I think it's exciting for him, you know? You mean dangerous? Thank you! No one else in this house gets it.
Hey, Mom? Get out here! Freddy's juggling baked potatoes! Dude! The goggles came.
Huh, you bought them.
Ooh! Hold up fingers.
I know you can see me.
How much did those cost? Ah, don't worry, we'll make it back.
Riley, don't be mad, but I don't want to do this repo thing anymore.
What? Why? It is too dangerous.
But we can see in the dark.
It is not worth the risk.
My family needs me.
Okay, I get it.
Thank you.
Where are you going? Going to work.
By yourself? I got to finish what I started.
No, you don't.
Yeah, I do.
Otherwise the enemy wins.
He is not the enemy He is just a guy who can't afford his Volvo.
And he's never gonna see me coming.
Mr.
Art.
What are you still doing up? Eh, I'm just enjoying a quiet evening.
And this fruity beer.
Which no one needs to know about.
Why are you still up? - I'm just waiting for Riley.
- Yeah.
He went to do a repo job on his own.
You know, I can't thank you enough for getting him into this.
Seeing the light back in his eyes.
He does seem to like it.
I've been worried about him for so long, I don't even think I realized how worried I was.
So you're not concerned that this job is a little dangerous? Eh, let me tell you something about my son.
He's always chased the action.
Just like me.
You know when he was a kid, he used to go joyriding in strangers' cars.
I was so pissed.
I can tell from your laughter.
I did the exact same thing.
Except I was even younger.
So does this need for excitement ever wear off? Eh, it doesn't wear off.
It just changes.
Now I get excited if I hit a bunch of green lights.
Hey! How'd it go? I got the Volvo.
Yeah, you did! What happened to your eye? Ah, lucky punch.
Hey, let me see that.
It's nothing, really.
I'm gonna grab some sleep.
I got, uh another repo in a couple hours.
You missed a good one.
Guy chased me all over town.
Well, I'm glad you had fun.
That's your last job.
No, I said I got another one later.
No, you don't.
You're done.
Oh, you're in charge now? When we were on patrol, if one of us said don't go in, we didn't go in.
- It's just a black eye.
- This time! I already have so many people to worry about, Riley! I don't have room in my heart to worry about you! Al, it took me three years to find a job I really like.
I'm good at it, and I'm not gonna stop because you said so.
Well, maybe you should slow it down a little bit.
What do you people want from me?! I mean, you don't like when I don't have a job.
You don't like this job.
You don't like when I'm moody.
You don't like when I'm happy.
I can't win with you! What is going on? Oh, my God, what happened to your eye? Oh, you want to fix me, too? I told you this was gonna happen.
Well, you're always right and I'm always wrong, huh? I'm gonna go sleep in the truck.
I'll see you guys at work.
Lizzie, you're my favorite again.
You want to explain the Rocky Balboa look? Nope.
You know, back when I was painting houses in Detroit, there was this one little bar that I always hung out at.
The bartender was this gorgeous redhead.
Heather.
She absolutely hated me.
Why? Well, I was always asking her out.
Was a lousy tipper.
What are you gonna do? Anyway, this one Wednesday night after work I was trying to get her to go out with me and everybody started saying, "Turn on the news!" It was April 30, 1975.
Fall of Saigon.
Heather asked me if I was okay.
She knew I'd fought in Vietnam.
I said, "Yeah, sure, you know, sure.
" I spent the rest of that night drinking myself stupid.
I didn't go to work the next day.
Or the next.
Figured they'd eventually fire me.
I never went back to check it out.
Took me a long time to dig myself out of that hole.
I don't want to talk.
Oh, I know.
Maybe today we'll just do push-ups.
Really? Well, you do 'em.
I'll count.
One, two Come-come on, all the way down.
This ain't the Coast Guard.
One.
Two, three.
- Too easy.
- Thanks, Hazel.
I don't know where my head's at.
Why do you even bother locking this thing? It's got a lot of sentimental value.
It's got a lot of rust.
Do you want your three dollars? Pleasure doing business.