UnREAL (2015) s02e02 Episode Script

1 May I introduce “Everlasting’s” next suitor, pro quarterback Darius! Gary: He's black.
He's like football black.
What about this scandal? He called that reporter a bitch.
I'm running the show.
I can get you out of your P.
R.
problem.
You and Quinn blew up your life last season.
- We worked it out.
- You got paid.
Your mother called.
She's been talking to Jeremy again.
Do you think I really wouldn't come back - because of you? - Yeah.
This show is my kingdom.
I'm gonna take it back.
Get off of my set.
Ladies, open your hearts to your suitor Where the hell is my suitor? You want to talk to him, you got to deal with me.
Quinn, if I keep following you around like this, the crew's gonna have a really hard time believing I'm the showrunner.
I just got to steer us past this train wreck and then I will hand the show back to you.
I want the girls to come to Darius in bikinis, poolside cocktails.
Bring Darius to the mansion right now and I will ditch the evening gowns.
I will give you a pool and the bikinis.
May the best man win.
She usually does.
Man: You have five hours of hard night, folks.
Quinn: Ricardo, I love the new twinkle lights! Fantastic! Bikinis? I wasn't ready for bikinis, Quinn.
I was ready for gowns.
I need to prepare.
You want to complain to someone, see Chet.
Apparently, he had some caveman brain fart Man: Five hours.
About how to fix something that wasn't even remotely close to being broken.
That's fine.
If Chet's got some ideas of taking the show in a new direction, great.
I've got some long-gestating thoughts of my own - I'd like to discuss with him.
- Mm, I'm sure you do.
You know, I can sing, you know.
You know, and I can shoot ping-pong balls out of my vagina, but no one wants to see that, either.
Well Please, stop talking.
Where's Rachel?! Ping-pong balls out of the vagina is fantastic.
Give me that.
Hey.
Rachel? What part of "five hours of hard night" did you not understand? You went 10-1 a half an hour ago.
How long does it take to take out your tampon or whatever the hell you're doing? [Radio crackles.]
- [Singsong voice.]
- Hello? Where are you, my pretty? - [Normal voice.]
- Where is everybody?! Hello?! Anyone have eyes on Rachel? [Radio crackles.]
Go for Rachel.
Any of you people seen Rachel? Yeah.
I'm right here.
Oh, you want to tell me where you were? Just needed a minute.
That's great.
I hope you feel refreshed.
What do you even want me to do? I don't have any girls.
You want me to just take them from Jay and Madison? Yes.
Fine.
Just grab the craziest one and do your thing, okay? We promised the network suicide ratings, and we need to deliver.
- Right.
- Just help me do this, and I will give you back the show.
Go.
Oh, man.
So bummed out right now.
- [Southern accent.]
- Why? What'd I do? No.
It's what you didn't do.
What is this? They told us to change into bikinis.
Yes, but, no, no, no.
Not this one.
Where's your other one? The one from Instagram? The one with the flag on it? No.
The one that you look amazing in.
Come on.
That bikini made us come looking for you.
I don't know.
That's kind of a hometown thing, you know? Th-There are a lot of, uh other kinds of people here.
Are you embarrassed of who you are? Oh, I'm I'm not embarrassed.
No.
You're not really a proud Southerner.
Oh, my God.
All that stuff you told me during intake Was that all just a lie? Oh, I-I'm not a liar.
I just thought, "Look at this girl.
This girl, she has got balls.
" I do have balls.
Only when you're on the other side of a computer screen, you've got balls.
This bikini does not scream "balls.
" All right.
You want me to put it on? - Yes! - I'll wear it.
You're crazy.
What the hell is that?! See? Come on.
This is what I was afraid of.
There is a lot of misinformation out there.
We need cameras over here now.
A lot of people have a real misunderstanding about what this flag is all about.
Oh, you're right.
It's me.
- [Southern accent.]
- I must just be plain ignorant.
It's not an advertisement for racism.
It doesn't say, "Yay! Slavery!" - Come on.
Oh, here we go.
- Need people here now.
- You know what? My daddy had family who fought and died in the Civil War.
And, for the record, it had nothing to do with slavery.
That is a revisionist crock of - Read a book.
- Come on.
Where is everyone? You know what? You might be ashamed of your heritage, but I have a feeling that the suitor is going to appreciate my honesty.
You dumb bitch.
He's black.
Where's Jay? Excuse me.
What are you doing? I just told you that stuff in confidence.
What are you doing? You're gonna put that garbage on national television? Yes, so you have something to push against - to promote your message.
- Then what's the problem? You need to do it when the cameras are on.
Hey.
Sorry.
I was just helping Tiffany with her nipple covers.
What's up? So, if you don't want me to steal your girls, can you get your head out of Tiffany's vagina and explain to this ding-dong how the show works? Okay, relax, Rachel.
You can stop trying to out-Quinn Quinn.
She's back, you know.
Mnh.
This is temporary.
- [Singsong voice.]
- Maybe.
I really think that that bikini's the way to go.
Hey, don't let her silence you.
Freedom of speech is so important.
Jay: Hey.
You okay? Yeah, I'm fine, but look, I'm starting to feel like this is a setup Like, I'm just here to fight that girl.
No.
Come on, Ruby.
You are so important.
Why? Because he asked for me? What? Rachel said that the suitor asked for me specifically.
She also said that I was guaranteed to make it to the final two, that I'd have nine weeks to promote our platform.
I don't know.
You should probably just Just tell me, please.
Can I trust her? - No.
- [Chuckles.]
- [Sighing.]
- Ah, shit.
Look, I'm sorry, okay? But she's lying to you.
He didn't ask for you.
You're just You're the angry black bitch who'll be gone in two episodes, three if you're lucky.
Oh, my God.
What did I just do? - I dropped out of college for this.
- I'm pissed, too, and not because I wanted to watch you "rail against the man" - for the next nine weeks.
- Excuse me? Is that what you think It is a whole new deal this year, Ruby.
If a girl like you ever had a shot, this is it.
Listen You really want to make a difference? Win this bitch.
That's revolutionary.
How? I will make it my personal mission to get you there, but you have to listen to me, not Rachel.
Okay? Okay.
You guys cold? - Freezing! - [Chuckles.]
Okay.
Tits up, everybody.
Let's do this! Yes.
Ugh.
Look at this.
The pool looks like a volcano.
Turn the heat down, somebody.
Do you have our train wreck ready? That's my job, right? Yeah.
For tonight it is.
Graham: I feel for you guys.
I do.
I saw you got a care package from your mom.
Did you open it? Mnh, I did.
It's in the trash.
Rachel, you need to be careful.
Quinn taking the show back could be a real trigger for you, destabilize you.
Oh, no.
You don't have to worry about it.
We got matching best-friend tattoos.
We're cool.
Madison: Uh, guys, Beth Ann's on the move.
Okay.
Here we go.
I need tight shots of Ruby, Chantal, and, uh, Angry Cop, okay? Anybody that is not white, I want you in their faces on my count.
Three, two, one, parka! Oh, God.
[Gasps.]
Um, guys Shouldn't we say something? Say something! Why isn't the Blacktivist saying something? Come on.
Are we really gonna let this slide? Yeah.
I mean, I'm offended for you.
Patience, ladies.
Little controversy, Quinn? It's good.
- Uh, what did you do to my catfight? - It's coming.
Okay, well, it better be.
We don't have time to wait around.
Ruby isn't taking the bait, so forget it.
I'm sorry.
Let's reset.
Let's go to the suitor's entrance, if we even have a suitor.
Ah, relax, will you? Boys got to undress, too.
How you doing, Wags? - Great.
- Just cue our moron.
Ladies, welcome back to "Everlasting.
" [Cheers and applause.]
Now, in 14 seasons, I have single-handedly reintroduced romance to a love-starved nation.
- [Mockingly.]
- Oh, yes, you have, Graham.
Yes, you have.
This man is not only handsome, wealthy, and smart, but he's also a national hero.
Cameras, I need my wifeys.
I need a close-up on Tiffany, NFL daddy's girl; Chantal, our sad sack with a dead fiancé; oh, and close-up on, uh, Hot Rachel.
- Quinn, stop.
- That's her name.
Ladies, I urge you, open your hearts to your suitor, Darius Beck! [Cheers and applause.]
We got a runner.
Madison, go! Who is that? Uh, he's a big quarterback.
He's one of the hottest players in the league.
And Darius' entourage.
- Bad, bad girls droppin' - What is No.
No, no, no, no.
- Cut.
Cut.
- Keep rolling.
Keep rolling.
- Bad, bad girls droppin' - What are you doing? Look, I agreed to one black guy, but four is just beyond.
I didn't know there was a set amount.
Hot Rachel is funny.
[Door slams.]
- All up in the mirror - Thanks.
Look, she feelin' herself - She walkin' that walk - [Indistinct conversations.]
Listen, did you do any paperwork on these sidedicks? Paperwork Confiscate their cellphones? Do any background checks? 'Cause they are total liabilities, Chet.
- Sidedicks? - Cut! I said cut the damn music! No! No! Leave it on! Leave it on! You've clearly learned nothing in your 14 seasons of Looks like Mom and Dad are fighting again.
Quasi-producing your own show, because, let me tell you, you can't play music.
There's no way to edit around it.
Jeremy! Get me a tight on Darius.
He is our prince, supposedly.
No, no, no! No, no, no! No.
Stay wide.
I want scope.
I want the party, man.
No more of this pansy-ass Cinderella bullshit, man! Guys, my crew's gonna mutiny.
Who's Who's in charge here? - I am.
- I am.
Look, I don't want to fight, okay? So why don't you shoot your show, I'll shoot my show? We'll turn them both in to the network.
We'll see which one they prefer The entertaining one or yours.
You're so on.
Rachel, come on.
Quinn, I just want to go on the record and say that I do not feel comfortable about where this is headed.
Oh! Okay.
What record? - There's no record.
- Uh, hey! Uh, guys, Rachel's gonna go on the record! [Chuckles.]
You know what, Jeremy? I need some one-on-ones - over at the gazebo, please? - Go ahead, Jeremy.
You know, just go into the henhouse and let your sack shrivel up.
This henhouse made him.
Do you think a B camera 2nd AC can grow up and become a DP in less than five years on any other show in Hollywood? So he's supposed to spend the rest of his career bowing to the mercy of your twat?! - Excuse me? - I'm sorry.
That was out of line.
Your twat! - Excuse me? - Chet.
Don't "Chet" me.
Do you not want to be a director? Did we not talk? Yes.
So you really need one of these harpies squawking into your earpiece all night long? No.
You know what to shoot.
Get a pair! Walk with purpose.
I'm going with Chet! 'Course you are.
- [Chuckling.]
- Okay.
Hey, Bill! It's Barry.
Barry.
Right.
You have a kid in college.
Actually, it's preschool.
Whatever.
It's 5 grand for you to come to Team We Know What The Hell We're Doing.
Ticktock, buddy.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
And have a great night.
Come on, Rachel.
Let's go.
Chet: All right.
Come on.
We'll shoot these guys.
This is gonna look like nobody is in charge.
Yeah, but he should've never been allowed on the set.
After the fiasco of last season's finale He's like a freakin' whack-a-mole.
Fine.
Just call the network, then.
- Tell them.
- It's not the network.
It's Gary, his golfing buddy.
They go skiing together at Park City.
You know what? Let me just talk to Darius.
- I can talk some sense - No.
This is grown-up time, all right? Way over your head.
What do you want? Beth Ann's locked in her bathroom and she won't let me in.
Go.
Fix it.
Quinn.
Hey.
You know, um, Chet's guy thing? Stop talking to me! Beth Ann, it's Rachel.
Can I come in? No.
- Stupid idiot.
- I'm sorry.
All right.
What's the problem? Hmm? You knew the guy was black.
I didn't know that it was Darius Beck.
We love him Like, worship him.
He is literally my favorite quarterback ever.
You got to find my bag.
I need to change.
Unh-unh.
No.
You can't do that.
Can't you just cut me out of the opening scene, make it like I was never even there? And what? Are you just gonna let the PC police win? You know, I was not raised to be rude.
Besides, I like Darius.
I want him to like me.
I mean, this is better than I ever thought this show could be.
Racism is so confusing, isn't it? So, are you gonna let me change? You can't do that.
Darius has already seen you in that bathing suit, and plus, all those other girls are just gonna blend into one.
At least you're gonna stand out, and he's gonna know who you are.
You have a real golden opportunity here.
Right, and what's the worst that can happen? He meets you and falls in love with you, and, like, marries you and has all your babies? Right? Now let's get back out there.
Can I keep my jacket? Come on.
Let's go.
Hey.
You're a cop, right? Can't you just arrest her? Brandi: I'm an MMA fighter.
Do you want me to just beat the crap out of her? Cop.
Right.
I'm guessing that's a "no.
" Ooh.
Gosh.
Really classy.
You didn't seem to mind in Vegas.
So, hey, hey.
You guys, uh You guys hooked up? Oh, yeah, but it was no big deal.
But that girl is a freak couldn't get enough.
She is crazy.
- [Chuckles.]
- You know what I'm saying? Yeah.
No, I do.
She's got a doctor's note that says the same thing.
She got problems, man.
Um, Madison, there's girl-on-girl action in the hot tub, which is good and dandy and everything, but this particular party is about penis.
Darius: I'm telling you, this is going to be the best night of your Hey, guys.
Just get out of here, please.
Thank you.
But Chet said I could loosen things up a bit.
I know.
I love the frat-party vibe.
It's great, but right now we got to talk to some ladies.
- Her name is Beth Ann.
- Beth Ann.
Here she is.
Here, sweetie.
Let me take your coat for you.
- How you doing, Beth Ann? - Okay.
- There you go.
- Wait! Okay.
First off, I have to say I'm sorry.
I owe you an apology.
I've dreamt of meeting you probably about a zillion times, and I definitely wasn't wearing this in any of those dreams.
Right.
Okay.
I love where I'm from.
I do, but I know that this flag pushes a lot of buttons for your people.
- My people? - No.
That That's not what I meant.
It came out wrong.
It's just, Darius, this is a party, and and we're supposed to be having a good time, so Right.
So if what I'm wearing offends you, then there really is only one thing that I can do, and it's real simple.
Whoo! - [Sighs.]
- Oh, my God.
Slut.
I feel so much better.
How 'bout you? How do you feel? [Chuckles.]
Oh.
I feel better, too.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
That's really sweet.
- Here, let me button that for you.
- Sorry.
It's not a catfight, but I can turn that hot mess into gold.
Don't cover the boobies! Oh, we missed the boobies! It's like a tree falling in the forest.
Oh, we have them on camera.
You did, uh, girl-on-girl action in the hot tub, right? False alarm.
So, that's how you're gonna play it, huh? Oh, come on.
Getting what you want That's what the show's all about.
You created it, remember? It's your kingdom.
Come and get it.
I'm sorry, but I cannot physically stop myself from saying something.
Will you compose yourself? Just take a breath.
No.
Absolutely not.
I stood there like a good, quiet, little Negro for you, but that shirt business was too much.
He was just being a gentleman.
He was being a pussy.
Look, your long game might make sense, but why the hell would I want to stick around to fake fall in love with that sellout? Look, I get it, okay? Believe me.
But the only reason Darius is on the show is to repair his image, and that shirt move is exactly the kind of nonsense that's gonna do it.
I'm serious.
Marketing will be focus-grouping the hashtag before the end of the night.
#IAmAPussy.
Listen to me.
Listen to me.
Who knows how long Beth Ann will actually stick around for, okay? She's not gonna win.
Even Obama had to make compromises.
Not with the Confederate Flag.
Ever.
Look, if Darius wants to cut me for having a point of view that he should have himself, so be it.
At least I'll go home with my dignity.
[Indistinct conversations.]
All right, so tell me what happened with my catfight and the parka.
I don't know.
My girl was ready to go, and then Ruby just didn't take the bait.
Or Jay told her not to.
Look, this job is so important to me, and I just I really want to be good at it, and basically be like you.
Okay, Madison.
No, having you in my ear, taking down Chantal, that was like a drug or an orgasm or Okay.
All I know is I want more.
And you're Quinn now, so let me be Rachel.
Knock yourself out.
Really? Yeah.
No.
N-N-N-No.
Ruby, stop.
You can't wear this on camera.
It's a copyright issue.
- [Sighs.]
- Watch me.
Jesus.
Hey, Ruby.
Looky, looky.
What do you see? - She's a wifey.
- Exactly.
That's Quinn's golden goose right there unattended, ripe for the picking.
She is exactly what Quinn needs in order to build her vagina of a show.
Without a wifey, Quinn's got nothing.
Watch and learn, my friend.
Watch and learn.
- Okay, so are we gonna finish? - Thank you.
It was very good.
- Perfect.
- They don't even ask me a question.
You are the hottest girl here.
Why am I completely flaccid? I'm not even kidding.
Feel this.
I got nothing.
And now I want to be here even less.
What is it? Hormones? Do you eat a lot of processed cheese? I want to help you.
I'm very good at this.
There is nothing wrong with me.
This is about him.
Did my dad call you? Ask you to put me on the show? Because your dad is ? A team owner who knows that Darius has a contract negotiation coming up And while he can't talk to him directly, I sure can.
- Hm.
- So typical of him, you know Using me as bait to get what he wants.
I-I came on this show to get away from football, to get out of my father's shadow, to create something separate for myself.
Well, you should totally do that.
This is America after all.
No.
I'm just gonna fade into the woodwork until Darius sends me home.
- [Chuckles.]
- Quinn would never let Darius cut you.
You know why? 'Cause you're what they call a "wifey.
" That is what everybody thinks.
I am so not that girl.
Well, prove it.
If you really want to go home, there is one thing pretty much every guy across the board does not want their potential wife to do.
Yeah? What's that? Screw their friends? Go big and go home, baby.
- Rachel.
- Yes? You're Rachel, right? Wow.
You are totally cute, and can I just say, thank God.
Oh, wow.
Everyone keeps saying how much we look alike.
Yeah, that's not exactly what they're saying.
- Hey, Rach.
Hi.
Just one second.
- What? Just want to know what you want to do about the rain.
- Seriously? - Yeah.
Seriously? You need to talk to Chet.
- Wait.
I'm not talking to - You need to talk to Chet.
It's totally embarrassing and completely inaccurate.
I mean, I'm just wearing a ton of makeup.
Yeah.
Totally.
And I mean, is it really such a freakish thing to have two smart, brown-haired, East Coast Jews in the same place? Well, I'm not from the East Coast, - So - Really? You have such a New York vibe.
Where'd you go to college? Vassar.
- [Gasps.]
- Oh, my God.
I've got a ton of friends who went to Vassar.
Is there something that you want, Yael.
Can we be honest? I mean, can we talk? You mean like a Hebe to Hebe? Help a sister out.
This guy is hot, and he hasn't even looked at me.
I just need some advice.
You know the show.
What would you do? You want my advice? Come here.
You see your producer, Madison? The one holding the shirt? You stick with her.
That girl is a genius.
[Thunder rumbles.]
[Indistinct conversation.]
Chantal: Can I steal him? I'm sorry.
Can you put this on? Otherwise, I'm not gonna be able to look you in the eye.
The rest of you is just too distracting.
- [Sighs.]
- All right, I'll put this on.
These two are like Ken and Barbie.
- I love them.
- Ugh.
It's called a cotillion.
My mom has been planning mine since the day I was born.
Ah, that's sweet.
I bet you look amazing in a tux.
Well, my mother says I do clean up nicely.
I'm sure you do.
Come here.
Um What? Is everything okay? Oh, yeah.
I-I just never do that on the first date.
- Bam! - We can take it slow.
That's a black wifey.
That's a blifey.
Okay, you can pat your liberal white self on the back later, all right? [Giggles.]
Hi, Darius.
Could I talk to you for a minute? Quinn: Yeah, let's talk about that t-shirt, Darius.
Nice shirt.
Well, hello, there.
Can I get you something to drink or ? Yeah.
No.
Look, I, um, just wanted to talk to you.
Let me guess this is not your scene, is it? - [Sighs.]
- No.
Look, I'm not really sure what I'm doing here.
I mean, I just watched you create some racial rainbow moment with a bitch in a damn Confederate Flag bikini, so Finally, some conflict.
This means something.
This has a point of view.
I think we should just put this entire thing in the cut.
I mean, at least to the part where she calls her a bitch, because the rest is a little PBS.
I mean, I know you think you're televising the revolution, but what we need right now are wet panties.
Where is Tiffany, my NFL girl? Oh! Ah! Oh! Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
Go.
That's my wifey! Go, Rachel.
Go! Get her.
Find her.
Kno No, no, no, no, no! Get off your knees! Sta Wi I need a walkie! No! No! Of course this is your version of a good idea.
- Oh, gosh! - Hi.
Please stay right here.
Do not talk to anyone.
Do not talk to Chet.
What are you doing? Sorry, Rach.
You jealous? Please don't flatter yourself.
You really think that that's gonna help Darius? I'm just having a good time.
Mm-hmm.
Yes.
Chet is manipulating you.
- And you're not? - [Chuckles.]
As far as I can tell, everyone's manipulating everybody.
Yes, but I am the only one that is doing it for the right reasons.
You can't tell Darius about hooking up with Tiffany.
Why not? 'Cause if you want that sportscaster deal and all that stuff that Chet promised you, she's what you need to make it happen.
Okay? The girl is blonde, beautiful, rich, and white.
If a girl like that forgives you, America forgives you.
Not a word.
[Door opens.]
Pervert.
Man: We have two hours hard night left, folks.
Okay, look, I don't know what you expected, but I'm not just going to do whatever my dad wants.
He can't offer me up as some kind of marketing ploy.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I really, honestly, have no idea what you're talking about right now.
You applied, I found you.
Wait, no.
You didn't talk to my dad? I didn't talk to your dad.
Oh, my God.
Oh, that just felt like something that he would do, you know? I mean, I thought I got into Wharton, too, until I found out that he made some phone calls.
Oh, my God, your dad helped you get into Wharton? Ugh.
Rich-girl problems are the worst.
Look, you may have called, but I still said yes.
I was excited to come here.
I actually thought that I might meet someone.
Oh, and you did.
No, you guys ruined that night one.
Come on.
Darius is still a person.
Darius is a football player.
- And? - I don't want to be a football wife.
I have done that my entire life with my dad.
I smile, I keep my mouth shut, provide excellent arm candy, and I am done.
But if you don't want people to judge you or make assumptions about you, then you can't do that to Darius.
You're saying he's not a football player? I'm just saying that you have no idea what he is.
He could be anything.
The guy could be your soul mate.
Crazier things have happened.
I just think you should make yourself open to the experience.
I'm just saying.
He's a really good guy.
What do you want me to do? I want you to pray to God that Romeo keeps his mouth shut and none of that stuff makes it to air.
You have to help me.
Quinn: Jay, enough of the black activist.
- Get my wifey in there.
- This is all you.
Go, go, go! Darius: Listen, why don't we discuss Hi.
I'm so sorry to interrupt.
Can I steal you for a minute? Definitely.
I think we were done here, right? - [Chuckles.]
- Okay.
And besides, I've been meaning to talk to you anyway.
You know nothing about Texas.
I'm from Texas.
I grew up there.
No, I've Doesn't matter.
I spent my entire career in Texas.
- I know Texas.
- No, no, no, no, no.
I love Texas - Okay.
- But you have to admit, barbecue was decidedly second-rate.
You haven't been to County Line, have you? No, yes, I have.
My dad took me there.
Yo Look, why don't we knock all this off and just talk about the elephant in the room? I thought you shut that down, Rachel.
If you didn't protect my wifey, we're gonna have a real problem.
I know your dad owns the team that happens to be our biggest competition in the league.
He's been cock-blocking us for years with his deep pockets.
[Sighs.]
My dad.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Okay.
You want to go there? When are you gonna get out of the box and start using your damn legs? Your footwork is terrible.
It was a pleasure meeting you.
You're eliminated.
- [Gasps.]
- Oh, no! - [ Laughs.]
- How could you do me like that? This is the show, Rachel.
- Thank God I'm here.
- You know what? I've been running around for you all night, okay? I got you these girls.
And you lost the suitor.
You did all the small parts, but you screwed up the biggest part.
Do you think that I ran around yelling at you all of those years for fun? I set this up for you, but you need to deliver.
Okay, well, you need to let me.
- Let you? - Yes.
Let me.
It takes an iron spine and a steady hand to do this job.
I don't know.
Maybe your mother was right.
What? I mean, come on.
We all know you've had episodes.
You're great until you're not.
But you got a couple of whirligigs in there, you know? Which was fine before, but not so much if you want to be the boss.
Did she call you? Are you talking to my mother? Let's just forget it.
Why don't you just get back out there and make yourself useful? Rachel? Oh, so you're smoking now? Cool.
So you're just gonna become Quinn.
Got it.
That makes so much more sense.
When can I expect the haircut? Not that you got the cheekbones to pull it off.
[Scoffs.]
[Sighs.]
Jesus Christ, Rachel, you shouldn't be here.
Where'd you want me to go? Did you want me to just quit when Quinn came back? I don't know.
Maybe.
I mean, that would've been one way to say there's at least some shit you won't eat.
And what about you? I thought ' you would appreciate me trying to be at least a tiny bit subversive.
- But instead, you just completely - Subversive? What does that even pussied out on Ruby from the beginning.
Dude, you used your own self-loathing about working here as some sort of justification for letting her go.
- It's like you are deliberately - Can we stop fighting, please? - Trying to sabotage me.
What is it? - I am the wrong target, Rach.
Are you jealous that I got promoted instead of you? Is that what this is about? It's not that I'm jealous of you, because I don't believe you actually got promoted.
I'm your boss.
As long as Quinn's around, she's my boss, and she's your boss, too.
Wake up, Rachel, because Quinn is never leaving this place Not until you pry "Everlasting" out of her cold, dead hands.
Hey, Rach.
You all right? Cool.
Uh, well, we need to take this to set, so Guys, hurry up.
Hustle.
We got to take this to set.
Let's go.
Okay.
Madison: Thank you.
You were great.
That was awesome.
Chet: Psht.
It's sad to watch you sully your temple with chemicals and crap.
By the way, I saw the butch little thing you had going with Tiffany.
I don't know what you promised her, but I got her playing tonsil hockey with the cousin.
I intend to air it.
Ahh.
Then, of course, it's bye-bye, wifey.
[Scoffs.]
You know, please understand that nothing you cobble together will ever make it to air, because what America wants and what the network knows they want is a fairy tale, and I don't care what guru, transformational bullshit you're into now, but you are emotionally and physically incapable of delivering that to anyone.
- Come on.
- No.
You need to make America feel something, and the only thing that can do that is an honest-to-God wifey - who is demure and supportive - Demure? And, most importantly, worthy.
But unfortunately, you wouldn't know one of those if she slapped you in the face.
Maybe you should try being a wifey before you lecture me about what one is.
You don't seem to be able to drag yourself across that line, either.
Do you, Quinnie? - [Screams.]
- Madison: Oh, no! Yael! - Barry! Barry, get on that! - Jeremy, got on it! - Uh, Rachel?! - Someone, help her! Quinn: Barry, are you on it?! Chet: You getting it?! Film that! Zoom in! Zoom in! - Barry, get on that! - Jeremy, stay on it! - [Sobbing.]
- It's okay.
Yes! That is a fairy tale.
Where the hell is Rachel?! Okay? [Laughter.]
Hey.
Ooh.
You all right? I'm fine, man.
No.
I'll take his.
This is Dr.
Wagerstein's healing nook.
[Laughs.]
You guys don't have pictures or anything? How am I supposed to remember these girls' names? - What's this? - Here.
Cheat sheet.
A cheat sheet.
You just get to pick the one you want to pick.
Long as you pick the titty girl.
Oh, you mean the racist? No.
I mean, the Blondie.
You know, the one who put herself out there to make things right.
Oh, America dig that kind of thing You know, second chances and redemption.
- White girls.
- White girls.
Tiffany.
She's pretty awesome.
I don't know.
Maybe not so awesome.
Huh, Romeo? What? What's going on? Are you sure that you're okay? I mean, if you need to, I can call you a doctor or I'm fine.
- Really? - Madison, you read my file, right? You know I swam for Sarah Lawrence all four years? I anchored the 200 meter relay.
So what? You You just I slipped.
Oops.
Got Darius to notice me.
Your bosses seemed to love it.
Guess it was a win for both of us.
Thank you, but Listen, I know what it's like to want to impress a boss in a highly competitive environment.
I can help you do that.
Just help me.
Get me some alone time Maybe a one-on-one date? Quinn: Okay, people, let's cut these bitches.
Are you okay with me calling all the shots, or would you like to do that, too? I think we both know that you're You're better at that than I am.
Three, two, one.
Rolling.
Ladies, 26 of you came here tonight with an open heart - Hey, editors, make sure you - and high hopes - just cut this all up - for a journey of a lifetime.
Make it far more interesting than it really is.
You'll share a brief moment with him - while he hands you a bracelet.
- Why don't you go and be useful? If you don't hear your name called, it's time to say goodbye.
Darius? This has truly been an incredible night for me.
I feel like the luckiest man in the world.
- [ Laughter.]
- With that said - Quinn: Camera B, are you asleep? - Yael.
Hayley.
Jameson.
- Dominique.
Brandi.
- Now it's getting real.
- London.
- She's not wearing her scarf.
- Chantal.
- [Chuckles.]
Beth Ann.
Oh, yes! Crazy white trash will live to see another day! - Praise the Lord! - Yes! Come on.
Let's go.
Walk a little faster.
Give me a wifey, because this looks like a freakin' Benetton ad, all right? And I am not pinning all my hopes on Hot Rachel.
It's, uh It's weird that he's not picking Tiffany.
- [ Sighs.]
- Ruby.
Quinn: All right.
Ruby.
So, just might get my catfight after all.
"I can't breathe.
" I need that shirt.
Beth Ann? Really? They made me keep her.
They make you keep me, too? No.
But how am I gonna go in the locker room and face my teammates if I cut a girl wearing that? Well, I got a lot more where these came from.
You might actually learn a thing or two.
I look forward to it.
All right, I got enough black girls.
Give me some white girls.
Holly.
Phaedra.
Courtney.
Zoe.
Darius, we are down to our final bracelet.
Last bracelet.
My final bracelet for this evening goes to Tiffany.
Ha ha.
Tiffany.
Yes! At least we got a wifey.
[Sighs.]
I knew it.
You know, I don't get picked last for anything.
I'm just glad you're here.
Graham: Ladies your journey ends here.
- Good night.
- And that's a cut! Quinn: Put those girls in coats.
Show's over, everybody.
Ladies, uh, before you leave, I'm having a party in my place.
Can you shut down that party, and can you lock Graham in his room, please? This could be a good season after all, everybody.
If I were a fool, fool, fool I believe you, you, you But I I ain't a fool, fool, fool [Cellphone vibrates.]
A crying shame, shame, shame It's just a game, game, game What are you doing here? Something wrong? Why aren't you guys shooting? Is there a problem? - [Clears throat.]
- There doesn't have to be.
I'm really sorry to bother you with this.
I didn't know where else to turn.
Now, I mean, I know that I'm breaking rank and that this is awkward at best, but my two bosses are at each other's throats.
- Who? Chet? - Yeah.
And Quinn.
I mean, you know their history, right, Gary? Yeah.
Okay.
So, it's gotten crazy ugly between the two of them.
I mean, look, I owe them my career.
I love them.
I do, but I love this show even more, and I really want it to continue, and at this point, I'm just not sure it will.
Sorry.
They're making two different versions of the show, and they're leaving it up to you to pick which one you prefer.
What? And, look, I know that you just gave Quinn this huge overall deal and Chet's always been a big-picture kind of guy.
But, Gary, I'm really the one that has been boots-on-the-ground, delivering story after story for you every year, and, I mean, this year, because of me, we're actually gonna be making history.
You know, I just don't think that we can leave it up to Chet and Quinn to mess this up for us.
I should give them a call.
You should give them a call.
Yeah.
I already told Quinn to call you and reach out to you, but she said there was no point, because, you know, you and Chet, you guys are, you know, tight.
You're bros.
Uh, isn't Quinn your mentor? Yeah.
She was.
She was.
I mean, Gary, I'm running the show this year, but with them fighting, I just I can't produce it with them on set.
You just need to send them home, give them some time to cool off.
They have trained me so well.
You are in such good hands.
Trust me.
I have got your back, Gary.
I can do this.
I'm ready.
[ Indistinct talking.]
No, no, man.
It's too much talking.
It's like a Merchant Ivory movie.
Cut to the titty shot, already.
We don't have the titty shot.
Well, Google it! I don't know what to tell you.
Quinn: Just double cut it.
Blow it up.
Slow it down.
Okay.
I need you to make it look like there was a real moment here, okay? Ha ha! Thank you.
That is how you look at a woman.
It's like a damn instruction manual over here.
And let her rip.
Let's see it.
The apocalypse.
[Sighs.]
What in the hell are you guys doing? - Gary.
- No.
I-I-I-I'm sorry, Chet.
This train is off the rails.
No.
He's off the rails.
Really, Quinn? Well, then, why didn't you pick up the phone? Because that's what an executive producer would do.
All right? You've got women in bikinis on the - North Pole up there! - It was his idea! Listen to me.
Listen to me! From what I hear, you've let your personal problems get in the way of the job.
Now, we need this show, and until you can get your eye back on the ball, I'm putting someone else in charge.
Uh, excuse me? Yeah.
Someone who knows how to tell a story.
Someone who can give the American public what they expect every season from this show we all love.
Oh, really.
And who might that be? Coleman Wasserman, come in here, please.
- Come here, buddy.
- Hey, Gary.
Now, if you don't know who this guy is, you should, because we have been looking for a chance to do something with this guy for ages.
Everything he does on "Blink" blows up.
.
10 million viewers in the first week alone.
- Gary, come on.
- No, no, no, no.
Blink is gonna become a network because of this guy.
Oh, come on, Gary.
This is totally unnecessary.
Do you have any idea how much money I've made for you over the years, huh?! No, no.
What you've made, Chet, is a well-oiled machine that needs someone strong at the helm.
Look, either you get on board, buddy, or you go home, because he is the one in charge now.
All right? I leave it with you.
- Hi, guys.
- Hi.
Look, I'm excited to get to work here.
Hey.
Hey.
Uh, Chet.
One second.
Look, I see what you're both going for.
There's merit in both versions.
For now, I think I want to lean into what Chet's doing.
[Chuckles.]
Thanks, man.
"EverBlasting.
" Okay.
Yeah.
Whatever that is.
Can't wait.
- We'll talk.
- Yeah.
All right.
So nice to meet you.
- Madison.
- Madison.
[Door opens.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
I actually know who you are.
I saw that displaced Cambodian sex worker series you did.
- It was very good.
- You just Googled that.
No.
I didn't.
Believe it or not, I am interested in a lot more than just "Everlasting.
" Oh, I believe it.
I know who you are, too.
Gary said you and Quinn make a great team.
Well, you know, we've been working together for a long time, so yeah.
I'm guessing she doesn't know that you're the one who complained to the network and brought me here.
Phew! I got to say that's a baller move.
Sounds like something I would've done.
But didn't exactly work out the way you wanted it to, though, did it? 'Cause instead you got me.
This is gonna be fun.
See ya.