Up Pompeii (1970) s02e02 Episode Script

LUDICRUS: Lurcio, see that you get everything done and everything in its proper order.
The baggies, the litter, the mop, everything.
Yes, master.
Yes, of course.
Kind master.
Silly old fool.
Oh, he's a real misery, he really is.
Moan, moan, moan.
Ah, well, now you're here already.
Right.
Let's get on with it, shall we? Greetings, good citizens.
The prologue.
Hmm.
Now.
Please.
Now, our story this week concerns the sirens.
Now, that's not the ones that go off, of course.
No.
The sirens.
Now, these sirens are very strange creatures.
Half bird and half women.
Now, the sirens used to lie on rocks, luring sailors to their doom with strange chants.
Eh? No.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
No, I don't know which half were birds.
But I presume it was the top half.
Because you could hardly have birds chanting through their tail feathers, could you? Now, it came to pass -Lurcio, where are you? -I'm out here, master, doing the prologue.
-Lurcio, come here.
-Yes.
I want you to take my weekend baggage.
Yes, gladly.
Where shall I find her, master? -No, no, my hand baggage.
-Oh, yes, I'm sorry.
Yes.
We're going away for the weekend.
Now, where's my mount? -What, now, master? -No, my mount! Oh, yes, your mount.
Certainly, yes.
Mount! Come on, mount.
That's right.
Here.
Come on, mount.
There we are.
There, come on, Peggy.
There we are.
There's a good old girl.
Sorry.
Good old boy.
There we are.
Well, they're so sensitive, these animals, now, you just stand there and do nothing and I do mean nothing.
Yes.
Oh, the master cuts a dashing figure sitting there on his ass.
Well, you see, my dear, it seems so sensible as I was going to be away on business, that you could spend a pleasant weekend with my mother.
A visit to your mother, Ludicrus, can hardly be termed a pleasure.
With Nausius away too, it does seem a bit silly for us to stay here on our own, Mother.
As your father so very carefully pointed out.
When are you leaving? Soon as I've got rid of Soon as you are safely on your way, my dear.
In that case we can travel to the crossroads together.
-I want to make sure you're on the right road.
-You would.
-Lurcio, the baggage.
-Yes, master.
And Lurcio, the mistress's litter.
Is it on the way? Well, it looks very much like it, master.
Yes.
-Oh, Lurcio.
-Yes, master.
-Why don't you go away for the weekend? -Me, master? A whole weekend? Me? Er, what with? With my full permission, of course.
He's a mean old devil.
He really is.
Turn it round.
Off you go, then.
That's it.
There they go.
Goodbye, master.
There you are.
The charge of the Light Brigade.
Now, what shall I do now they've gone? Let me think.
What shall I do? What's the first thing? Eh? Yes, I Certainly.
If you insist, of course.
The prologue.
Now, it came to pass Prologues? No.
I'm not wasting my time doing prologues.
What? Not on your nellus secundus, I should say so.
Well, it isn't often a slave like me gets the chance to have a weekend off.
No, one weekend off? Do you know, I never even get Sunday.
If you were to ask me the last time I had it off, I simply could not I could not tell you.
No.
I'm going in for a bit of debauchery.
Yes.
Now, let me see, now.
I'm going to find myself a nice-looking girl.
Well, not nice, necessarily, of course, she doesn't have to look for that matter, but let me think, now.
Yes.
Ah, I must choose one very, very carefully, mustn't I? Choose one.
Because after all, when you're desirable Well, why not Oh, yes.
You must spread it around, mustn't you? Now, where can I get Yes, spread it around.
Yes! First come, first served.
Woe, woe and thrice woe! I take that back.
(SCREAMING) You see the effect I have on women? Look.
They go mad.
Woe! Woe! Oh, dear.
Here she is.
The soothsayer, Senna.
-Always on the go.
-I've just seen it.
-Pardon? -That face.
-I've just seen it in my crystal ball.
-Have you, dear? -Where, where is your ball? -I'll show it to you.
Now, be careful.
Be careful which one you bring out, dear.
We don't want any major boobs on this show.
-There.
-Oh, dear.
-Yes, there you are.
Look.
-Oh, yes.
Yes, there I are.
There you are, you see.
Didn't I say I was desirable? What am I supposed to be doing there? -Perhaps the gods will give us a sign.
-Yes.
Speak to me, O ball.
Speak to me, O ball.
Well, this is the I've heard of talking balls, but this is the first time I've ever seen one.
-Now it's getting clearer.
-Yes, is it? -I see two beauteous young women.
-Where? Where? There.
They're in sore trouble.
Well, don't look at me, girl.
-Now you are with them.
-Oh, no.
-You are in trouble too.
-Oh, dear.
Your fate and theirs are entwined.
Oh, that's the trouble.
My fate are always getting in the way.
My fate are Come on, don't doze off already.
No, never mind.
It was only a small one.
Sorry, dear.
-I see a big, evil-looking man with an eye patch.
-With an eye patch? -He only has one orb.
-One orb? Look, dear.
We want a prediction, not a medical.
Now I see a big galley at sea.
-A galley? -With many oars.
Oh, now it's getting interesting.
Now the seas grow mountainous.
-Yes? -The thunder rolls.
The sky is red with fire.
The fire grows worse.
Blood flows everywhere.
(SCREAMING) And that brings us to the end of Jackanorius.
Well, have you ever heard such nonsense? She puts the mockers on you.
She's a real misery.
I mean, "Two beauteous young women.
" Ha.
I'd like to see them.
Oh, sir, sir.
Help us, help us, sir.
I am seeing them.
Oh, if you would help us, we would do anything for you.
Pardon? If you'd help us, sir, we would do anything for you.
-Would you? -Oh, please, save us, sir, save us.
-Please.
-Oh, I'm sorry, no, I don't believe in saving.
If you've got it, bash it, I always say.
I'm sorry.
We were being taken to the ship of a slave trader.
-A slave trader? -Yes.
-Yes, but we managed to get away.
-Did you? -With the help of a brave young man.
-Yes? -Who saw my predicament.
-Did he? In that cloak, he must have been clever, I must say.
FELONIUS: After them! They're around here somewhere.
That's him, Captain Felonious, the captain of the slavers.
Don't worry, I won't let him take you.
FELONIUS: Get them back or kill anyone who stands in our way.
Here they are! -Oh, sir, please, do not give us up.
-Well.
-Hide us, I beg you.
-All right, all right, we'll hide you.
Look, come back here.
Look.
Now, get in those sacks.
Hide in there.
Hide.
Now, be very careful.
-Now, that's it.
-No.
Now, don't mind that smell.
Don't be fussy.
Now, go on, get inside.
There you are.
Now, don't you Don't make a noise.
For goodness' sake, keep quiet.
Get your periscope down.
There we are.
Oh, dear.
THUG: Must be around here somewhere.
FELONIUS: Yes.
Come on.
Isn't it fortunate that I emptied the manure out of those sacks only yesterday.
-Hey, you! -Me, sir? Yes, you with the big thing dangling.
I beg your pardon? This is my seal of office.
-I am a major domo.
-Don't point your finger at me, scum! -Scum? Oh, so it's come to this? -We're looking for Scum to this.
There's a woman there didn't get it.
But don't Missus! What's she been drinking, chloroform? Now, come on, girl.
-I'm sorry, sir.
I know you're in a hurry.
-We're looking for a couple of women.
Hey.
-What's in these sacks? -Sacks.
Fruit.
-Fruit, eh? -Yes.
-I could do with a nice juicy pear.
-Probably find a couple in there.
-They feel more like melons to me.
-Ooh.
I hope he's right.
Sir They're rotten.
Yes, well, I think you'll find one is a tinge overripe.
Yes.
Come on, men.
Let's not waste any more time with this oaf.
Good.
Yes.
Sorry.
Oh yes.
But if you see or hear anything of these women -Yes? -Bring word to me, Felonious, -at my ship immediately.
-Yes, sir.
-Or -Yes.
-Ear to ear.
-To ear -And 'ere -Oh, not there! Please.
Oh, no, please.
I've had that operation.
No, thank you.
(LAUGHING UPROARIOUSLY) All right, all right.
Don't overact.
We got the message.
Here, did you see that? A bearded man, eh? With an eye patch over one eye.
Oh, that old bag Senna was right.
She saw this in her ball.
And two beauteous young maidens, eh? Oh, I wonder how she does it.
Unless That's it.
She must have seen the script.
Of course.
-You all right? -LETITIA: Yes.
Have they gone? Yes, but I'm not letting you out till I've got you inside the house.
Right.
You're saying, "Isn't he strong?" Aren't you? You are.
You're saying, "Isn't that man strong?" "How does he do it?" Well, I'll tell you how I do it.
It's all done with good, clean living, and practice.
Oh, every since I was 15, I've practised picking up women.
-Yes, there we are.
You all right? -Oh! Oh! -Thank you, sir.
-Oh, not at all.
What can we do to repay you? Oh, I shall think of something.
Or the other.
Probably the other.
Yes? I am called I am called Letitia.
Well, I don't wonder.
I must say.
Your parents had foresight, didn't they? -And this is my sister.
-Oh, what a damn shame.
-Oh, yes.
-They didn't give her a name.
No, well, it would have been rather pointless, wouldn't it? I mean Yes, well, never mind.
I'll call you Before and After.
Oh, she mooed.
I was just saying, dear, they share out things very well in your family, did they? Oh, dear! She's short on conversation, too, isn't she? Sister, this noble gentleman has saved us.
-Can you not show your gratitude? -Oh! (MOANING) Oh, it's nothing.
Get away! God, she nearly had me pinny off then.
It's always the quiet ones who are worst, isn't it? If we had a bath, would we please you then? A bath? Well, I think you probably might, yes.
-Oh, good.
-Wait a minute! They're a couple of ravers, aren't they? Look.
Go upstairs.
You'll find the bathroom at the top of the stairs.
Yes, you can't miss it.
The door is marked WC.
No more "ha ha ha.
" Don't show you're ignorance, please.
It means It's the Roman for washium closetstatorium.
Come, sister.
Oh, I hate to ask such a noble gentleman as yourself Oh, not at all.
-To perform such menial tasks.
-Oh, do, do.
-But at home we had so many servants, you see.
-Servants? Yes.
Well, we've never had to bathe ourselves.
-You mean you want me to -Oh, would you? Well, I could force myself, I daresay.
-Thank you.
-Not at all.
You see, we don't fancy going all the way to the public baths.
Oh, no, especially when you can go all the way here.
-Oh, I hope you've got your loofah.
-Yes.
Oh, yes, and it's scarcely been used either.
(SQUEALING WITH DELIGHT) It's marvellous, isn't it? I'm here alone on my own for the weekend, all alone, and what happens? Bingo! Not one, but two.
'Cause that's always the way, isn't it? It's like cloakrooms, isn't it? If you don't want one, you see hundreds.
It's always the way, isn't it? LETITIA: Cooee! -Cooee! -We're ready! I'm coming up now! Oh, yes.
And where do you think you're going? Look, I'm not taking you up there with me.
I'll tell you what happens when I come down againnext week.
-Lurcio! Lurcio! -Oh, no! Oh, it's the master's young son.
Oh Oh, Lurcio, there you are.
This is Nausius, my master's young son.
Oh, a strange boy, oh, he's a strange boy.
Never mind.
Master, why are you not in ballet school? Oh, I couldn't stand it any more, Lurcio.
-I felt too strung up.
-Well, it's wearing those silly tights.
Oh, Lurcio, the most marvellous thing happened on my way home.
-Yes? -I did something I've never done before.
Well, well, yes, well, it was bound to happen in the end.
Now, don't worry.
Don't worry about it.
Your hair won't drop out or anything.
You're all right.
Oh, no, Lurcio.
I rescued two maidens in distress.
-You didn't.
-I did.
You did.
They were being transported in a cage to the galley ship.
-Yes.
-And what do you think? -What do I think? -I let them out.
-You didn't.
-I did.
-You did? -Yes.
-You're the one who saw their predicament.
-In a flash.
A quick flash.
Yes, yes.
Oh, Lurcio, they were so beautiful.
I wanted to write an ode to them on the spot.
-You didn't.
-I didn't.
-You did.
-Oh, yes, yes, I did.
Sometimes I wonder why we have him in the show.
-That's why.
-Oh, yes, that's why.
Would you excuse me? May I orate Oh, I've said it again.
It was nastily said.
May I orate this ode to the assembled yobboes? "Ode to chastity.
" (MAN LAUGHING IN AUDIENCE) Belt up.
"I saw them like two birds in a cage Beset by jeers and snickers" Oh, yes.
"I let them out and watched them fly And saw right up into the clear blue yonder" I can't think of a rhyme there.
In that case, you're the only one who can't, I'll tell you that.
-LETITIA: Cooee! Cooee! -What was that? -That's a dove.
-LETITIA: Ready.
A talking dove.
Oh, Lurcio, I feel so hot, I think I'll go and have a bath.
Oh, no, no, master, no, no, you can't have a bath.
I mean, not when you're hot.
Your hair will drop out.
-Well, I'll just have a quick plunge.
-That's what I'm worried about.
Now, master No, master Er Ah! I'm glad you reminded me.
You know those two maidens.
You know those two maidens you rescued.
Were they sisters? -As alike as two peas in a pod.
-Yeah, one all peas, the other all pod? Yes.
They have been recaptured.
Recaptured and taken back to the slave trader.
Oh, no, I must do something about it.
-Yes, go -I must go and help them! Yes! Help them! Yes! Good.
That's him out of the way for a couple of hours.
-LETITIA: Cooee! -Cooee! -Are you coming? -(IN BARITONE) Yes.
Just getting me loofah out.
I may as well look as if I mean business.
LUDICRUS: Steady, steady! Then I can dismount! Oh, no, it's the master's come back again.
Oh, the silly old fool.
He mustn't come back in here.
Oh, dear.
The prologue.
It came to pass that the sirens were wailing Here he is, the Lone Ranger.
-Lurcio.
-Yes, master.
-What are you doing here? -Well, the prologue, master.
But I thought I sent you away for the weekend.
Well, I thought I'd just stay here for the weekend and do a couple of odd jobs.
-Erm, around the house.
-Dear, dear.
But master, aren't you supposed to be away on business? A business trip? Away? -No, no, no, all that fell through, you see.
-Oh.
-What are you doing with that? -Erm, exercising it.
-Put it away.
It's upsetting me.
-Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Now, look, Lurcio, I wanted to be here alone this weekend.
Alone? Ah, yes, but not in your own house, surely.
Oh, I thought I might dig up an old girlfriend.
Oh, well, that's a good idea.
Let's go and find a spade.
-Remember -Yes? -You haven't seen me this weekend.
-Haven't seen you? No.
I didn't come back.
I didn't come back till Monday.
Oh, I see Master.
Are you trying to bribe me with money? Certainly not.
I wouldn't insult such a noble and faithful slave.
Oh, don't worry, master.
I'm used to being insulted.
You should have seen some of the letters we got in after our last series.
No, I wouldn't dream of it.
Now, you, you put away my mount, and I'll go and freshen up with a nice hot bath.
Yes, I'll put it Oh! Master! No, no.
No, you don't want a bath, a hot bath, no.
You know how limp it makes you.
-Yes, perhaps you're right.
-Yes.
-I'll have a cold bath.
-Oh, no, no, master.
Don't climb all those stairs.
Let's face it.
You want to conserve your energy, don't you? And we know what for, don't we? Yes, master.
Even if we don't know what with.
Oh, the lecherous old Ludicrus.
I knew there was an orgy in the offing.
He's been working up to it for months.
Oh, dear, now, I mustn't leave him in that house alone for long.
Where's the mount? Come on, love.
We're going home now.
Come on, then.
That's the way.
You all right? Come on, then, this way.
Come on.
Here we are.
Come on.
Hurry up.
Come on.
That's it.
What are you stopping for? Don't Oh, don't What are you Don't stop here! Oh, not here! Oh, dear! The damn thing's got stage fright.
Master, master.
I have ta -Where's he gone? -LUDICRUS: Jumping Jupiter! Would you believe it? I might have known.
He's found it.
Like a camel to water.
-Lurcio! -Oh, master.
Oh, Lurcio! Oh, I know what you're going to say, master.
Oh, so this is what you get up to when I'm away, eh? -I've been a naughty slave, master.
-And two of them as well.
-Two, master, yes.
-What a good thing I came back when I did.
-You mean you aren't angry, master? -No, no, 'course I'm not angry.
Very dutiful of you to find one for me as well.
Ah, well, I always try to do my duty, master.
One for you, yes.
-They're a very beautiful pair.
-Oh, definitely, yes, they are.
-Especially one.
-Yes.
Mine.
No, no, no.
The one with the Mine.
Yes.
I knew it.
I'm in for a flat evening.
I thought so Tell me, Lurcio.
Where did you find them? Well, it was very funny.
You see, they were being transported in a cage to this slave trader's galley.
-No, no! Not Felonious, the slave trader? -Yes! -Oh, Lurcio! -What? If he finds them up there, he'll cut our throats from ear to ear.
And 'ere to there, yes.
You must get rid of them immediately! Get rid of them? What about my big night out and everything? I'm going out, and when I come back, -I want to find them gone.
-Gone.
Oh, oh, dear.
To think that I, a poor slave, had it almost in my grasp.
(TRAGIC VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYING) So once again, my dreams are turned to dust.
Once again my loofah must go back into cold storage.
Once more the hot fires of hope turn to the cold ashes of despair.
Once more (MUSIC VOLUME INCREASING) One Oh, shut up! (MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY) Well, I mean, they're spoiling it, aren't they? I don't know where I am now, you see? I'm flummoxed.
So it was a lovely thing, this, wasn't it? I mean, this is pathos.
The critics always want a bit of pathos.
When I do this, I think you'll find this very pathetic.
Now Oh, can a poor slave ne'er taste one moment of bliss? O ye gods! Is there nothing you can give me? Nothing at all? (FARTING) That bloody donkey again.
Would you believe it? But I don't understand, Mother.
What have we come back for? Because I know your father.
He's no more on a business trip than I am.
-Well, what is he doing, then? -That's what I intend to find out.
I can't stand infidelity.
Do you want the litter any more, madam? The litter? Oh, no thank you.
There's a gentleman picking me up later.
Thank you, madam.
LURCIO: Yes, come on.
-You're sure they're the ones we're after? -I'm sure.
And they're in there.
Right.
You, inside.
Now that we've got them in our power, we can teach them a lesson.
Oh! There's going to be a whip round.
Oh, I can't look.
I can't.
No, honestly, I can't.
You watch and tell me what happens, will you? Because no, I'm too soft-hearted, I really am.
I can't.
-Who are you? -Shut up and come quietly and everything will be all right.
Why? Where are you taking me? -Well, back to the ship, of course.
-Oh! -Help! Help! -Oh, don't be silly, Erotica.
How could we poor defenceless women fight against such strong, large, muscular Suddenly I feel completely helpless.
Back to the ship, boys! Head back to the ship.
Have they gone? Have they gone? Oh, those poor young girls.
I feel so sorry for them.
Oh, it's a shame.
It really is.
I'm so moved I can hardly speak.
Sad, isn't it? There's a woman here crying her eyes out.
Look.
It's all right, love.
Don't worry.
We're only acting, dear, that's all.
-Lurcio! Lurcio! -Yes, master? -Have they gone? -Yes, master, they've gone.
Oh, pity, pity.
Yes, pity, pity, bang, bang.
Yes.
Well, back to the old address book, I suppose.
Yes, silly old fool.
He doesn't want an address book.
He wants a guidebook.
You see, the trouble is, Lurcio, all the women I know, they've grown too old for me.
Did you hear that? Too old for him! Too old? Silly old fool.
He's been treated for dry-rot three times.
Did you know he can hardly stand for the national anthem? Lurcio, sit down.
I was wondering if you knew any ladies who might Might? Yes.
Let me think.
Erm, oh, yes.
Oh, no, I just remembered.
They moved to Lesbos.
-Well, here we are.
-Yes, I shan't keep you a minute.
-Oh, sorry.
-Now It's all right.
Not to worry.
But What are you doing back here? What do you mean, "back here"? We've been here all the time.
Lurcio! I thought you said Felonious had taken them back.
Well, they must have taken the wrong couple.
-How could they? There was nobody else here.
-Well, I mean they could Master! Aren't those the mistress's baggage? -And that's Erotica's.
-Yes.
-Lurcio -What? -You don't think -Yes, I do think.
Well, they're bound to find out they've taken the wrong ones sooner or later.
-Yes.
-Preferably later.
After all, it's lovely weather for a nice sea excursion, isn't it? -Yes, they'll enjoy it.
-Yes, of course they will.
Oh, yes.
Not to mention us.
There's really nothing we can do for a day or two.
Well, you speak for yourself, master.
That arranges that, then, Lurcio, eh? Go on, warm things up.
Get some wine.
Wine.
All right, master.
Yes.
Yes.
Now.
Aren't you lucky? Because you have a choice of viewing.
You can either watch him and her or her and me.
And I know which one I'd watch.
Because after all, I am the one that's desirable.
-Ludicrus! -Oh, yes, dear! Stop that disgusting behaviour at once.
-Yes, dear.
-Oh, I knew it.
I knew it.
-As soon as my back is turned -I can explain, dear.
And I am waiting.
Now, this'll warm you up.
-You stay here, Lurcio.
-Yes, mistress.
Well, Ludicrus, I'm waiting for your explanation.
What are these girls doing here? Yes, dear, well, I Yes, Lurcio, what are they doing here? I can't remember.
Can't you be persuaded to remember? Ah, now I remember.
Yes, mistress.
Your husband is a very courageous man.
-What? -Yes, mistress.
Why, on his way to a business appointment this morning, he saw these two maidens being transported with a cage to a slave trader's, and without any thought of his own safety, -he rescued them.
-Poor helpless things.
I see.
But why was he sitting with his arms around them? -Ah, yes.
-Ah, yes.
That's difficult.
Very difficult.
Oh, much more difficult than that.
But easy to explain.
You see, those poor maidens, in their extremity, wanted someone to turn to for help and kindliness.
They couldn't turn to me, being a mere slave, you see, and lustful, and desirable, to boot.
So instead they turned to your husband, who is virtuous, and, as you know, past it.
-That I can believe.
-Good.
Lurcio, I've been searching for them everywhere, but Oh, they're here! My little birds! -Your little what? -My little birds.
The ones I rescued from the ship.
-I see.
-Lurcio, Lurcio.
Oh, young master, you mustn't call your sister and your mother birds.
-Oh, I didn't mean them.
-'Course you did.
-No, I didn't.
-Yes, you did.
-Didn't he, master? -Of course he did.
That's right.
I thought of it.
Go on.
Get outside.
Go on, master.
You know what you meant, you naughty meena, you! You did! Now go give the donkey its oats.
By the look of it, it's the only one who'll get some today.
Well, at any rate, I've got some money from the master, mean old skinflint.
Ha! Would you believe it? Look at that.
Olympic medals.
Not even bronze, only tin! Would you believe it? All that work for nothing.
I don't know.
Oh, do.
Let's do what I know best.
The prologue.
Oh, dear.
Even me own loofah's turned against me.
Never mind.
Now, it came to pass Woe, woe, and thrice woe! Oh, I knew I shouldn't have mentioned the word "oats".
The time has come! The end is here! She is right.
She's absolutely right.
The end is here.
Oh, well, all I hope is my experience with these two girls has taught you a lesson, becausein the words Please would you shut your gobs? In the words of the poet Plautus, hic transerium nausium con titima fobiscum.
Which, loosely translated, means, never be sure of the bird on your plate, until you've got your fork stuck into it.
Salute.