W1A (2014) s02e02 Episode Script

Standby two.
Mix through.
Cue on two.
The BBC has announced the appointment of ex-head of Olympic Deliverance, Ian Fletcher, as its new Head of Values.
Time now for Shipping Forecast.
Superimpose It's Tuesday, another in a long line of Tuesdays, at the BBC's New broadcasting House headquarters in Central London.
Morning.
Yes.
Hi.
Man with the values.
Hi, how are you, Simon? Bearing up.
Bearing up.
Good.
Actually, whilst I've got you, Simon - Great.
- I see tomorrow is the closing date Sorry, sorry, can I just Is that a titanium one? What? No, this is just - You know it's a normal one.
- Yes.
No.
Brilliant.
So, I was going to ask Can I just I mean Can have a quick - Well, I mean - Would you mind? Right.
Yes, you see I'm not sure the extra 400 quid's worth it.
Right.
So that's titanium? Supposed to be, yes.
I'm not sure you can really tell the difference.
- Anyway.
- I feel a bit of mug.
Right.
Yes, so, anyway.
Whilst I've got you Simon Tomorrow is the closing date for applications for the new and highly senior Director of Better post.
I mean, obviously I wasn't consulted about any of this originally.
No.
I know, honestly.
And I still think it's a ludicrous title.
- Yes.
No.
Brilliant.
- But since it does seem to be happening, I think This is something I'm going to mention to Tony.
Oh, right.
Jolly good.
When he comes to the interview process, I think it would be an appropriate thing and a healthy thing for Values to be represented in that process somewhere.
- Yes.
No.
Brilliant.
- This is something I'm just flagging up now.
But it is something I'm gonna be mentioning to Tony.
Oh, very good, Ian.
Very brave.
Well, no.
It's just Brave? Despite all his wisdom and experience as the BBC's Director of Strategic Governance, Simon Harwood, is still not sure whether the laws of the management allow the Head of Values to sit on the interviewing panel for a new director-level post.
I mean, maybe if someone had told me this to begin with, I might have applied for it myself.
- Yes.
No.
Very good.
- I'm serious.
- I'd like to see Tony's face.
- What? Well, the idea of his own creation, "Captain Values" taking his hand off the controls to apply for another job.
He'd practically have a fit.
Oh, great.
So I'm too important to apply for the job but I'm not important enough to sit on the interviewing panel.
Oh, no, no.
It's a unique position, Ian.
- Yes.
- Yes.
No.
- Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant.
- Yes.
Brilliant.
Yes.
Yes, no, it's all good.
Will Oh, yeah.
Hi, yeah.
- You're already in.
- Yeah.
I know.
Yeah, mental, yeah.
But Ian isn't the only one with professional issues on his mind.
Following a spectacular coup involving the BBC's Wimbledon coverage, and his sister's connection with tennis star Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, intern Will Humphries, has been offered a so far temporary post as assistant to the Head of Values.
So, today, you've got like a meeting with Alan Alan - Yeah.
No.
Hang on.
- Alan who? Yeah.
No.
Crap, I think that's a spelling mistake.
- Alan Yentob? - Yeah, Yentob.
Yeah.
- Yentob.
- Yes? Yeah, at 10 o'clock.
10 o'clock? As part of his new role, Will, has established himself at a desk in the same general area as fellow assistant and colleague, Izzy Gould.
As well as to a lesser extent, Jack Patterson.
Yes.
I think that might be yesterday.
Yeah.
No.
Say again.
You're sure you're looking at today? - Yeah.
Okay.
No.
- Well, anyway.
Yeah.
That's what you did yesterday.
Yes.
But that's always good to know.
Yeah.
No worries.
Yeah, cool.
Yes, no, brilliant.
So, um, before we get started, - this morning's news from Tony land.
- Right.
I mean, I think there'll be an e-mail about this anyway.
- But he's got this thing in his head - All right.
I mean it was after he came back from Kerala, really.
- Oh, bloody hell.
- By nine o'clock, Ian is already taking part in the Damage Limitation meeting because that is what is he's doing today.
But Simon has some good new to share before they get on to the damage to be limited.
and this will be because we've all got to be more bendy and flexible from now on is it, Simon? Yes.
Now, very good, Tracey.
Very strong.
I'm quite happy with where my toes are, I don't need to bloody touch 'em.
As part of his vision for a happier, healthier and better BBC, Director General Lord Tony Hall has decided that lunch time Pilates classes will be provided free of charge for anyone who wants them.
I mean.
I assume, uh, this isn't actually compulsory, Simon.
- Oh, no, no, no.
- No.
No.
I mean, for what it's worth it's just something Tony's got a bit obsessed with personally, that's all.
- Right.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah, it's for anyone who wants it.
- Cool.
I think the idea is he might turn up himself, occasionally.
- Right.
- What, though He himself? - Yes.
I gather so, yes.
- Right.
- Okay.
- Groovy.
- All righty.
Jolly good.
Onwards.
- Brilliant.
- So, Neil - Righty-ho.
Where are we at with this whole Evan Davis thing? All right.
Okay.
- Evan Davis? - Yes.
Yeah.
Basically we're fucked.
- Brilliant.
- Yes.
No.
Very good.
In the past 24 hours, rumours have started to appear on Twitter, that the BBC's Newsnight anchor, Evan Davis, is to be a contestant on the forthcoming series of Strictly Come Dancing.
Guys, can I just say, we are takin' heavy incoming on this - in the press office this morning.
- Yeah.
I'm not surprised.
We love Strictly.
And I'm not being negative or anything, but this is only gonna get worse.
- Such a cool show.
- The fact is this is important.
- Yeah, I know it is.
- Yes.
No.
Very good.
It's hard enough to keep the guy still as it is.
The last thing we need is to let him anywhere near sequins.
The fact remains, that Newsnight is actually a serious show.
This is an example of an area where the BBC needs to be better.
Yes.
No.
Brilliant, Anna, brilliant.
- Very good.
- Yes, no, very strong.
But hang on.
Are we saying these rumours are true? - Sure - Yeah, they are.
Yeah.
- They are? - Yeah, no.
He's obsessed with the idea already.
No.
I get it.
Totally get it.
I mean.
Cool guy.
Cool show.
But how did this These are both BBC shows.
I mean I have to say, it's not Evan's fault, okay.
It wasn't his idea.
He's been signed up by some agency.
- An agency? - Cool.
And they seem to think this will be good for brand "Evan".
- Brand "Evan"? - Yes.
Now apparently we have to go through them whenever we wanna talk about it.
Sure.
No.
Totally good with that.
What kind of agency are we talking about here, Neil? Oh, I don't know.
Hang on, I've got a bloody e-mail about it somewhere.
Can I just say, not being funny or anything, but I've got a feeling in my bottom about this and not in a nice way.
Okay.
Here we go.
Oh, right.
Okay.
What? No.
Sure.
Okay.
- No.
- All right.
Here we go.
Okay.
Here's the thing with this, guys.
This is like that best thing ever.
- Hi, Lucy.
- Hi.
- How are you? - Yes.
No.
I'm fine, thanks.
Yes.
Can I just ask Have you done something to your hair? - My hair.
- Yeah, I don't know.
- No.
Not really.
Why? - Have you not? - I don't know, it's just - What do you want, David? No, no, no, nothing.
Have you got a minute? - Now? - Just while you're drinking your coffee.
Would you mind if we went somewhere private? - Somewhere private? - Yeah.
In here? - I wanted to ask - What? - I wanted to ask - Actually this is ridiculous.
- This is a radio studio.
- I know.
It's sound proof.
No one can hear us in here.
No.
I just wanted to ask, if I could put your name down as a referee? Oh, right.
You applying for a job? - Well - You're gonna leave us? - Oh, no, no.
I'm not leaving.
- Oh Entertainment Format Executive, David Wilkes, has made a big decision about himself.
And as a result, has a private favour to ask producer Lucy Freeman.
At this stage, I don't want, you know, everyone to - Oh, God.
- Yeah.
I don't want everyone - You're not - And, you know I trust you - You are, aren't you? - And it's just You're applying for Director of bloody Better.
Now, I know what you're thinking.
Well, no Yes, I am actually.
Yes.
- I won't get it.
- No.
I know.
But you know what? Anyone can apply for it.
And the thing is it's like, just by applying, it puts you in that category, straight away, doesn't it? What, the category of people who haven't got it? You should apply for it, Lucy.
Why don't you apply? - Me? - Yes.
- Well, I - No.
But seriously I respect you, Lucy.
And I'd like to think that we worked together closely and well.
You Right.
I mean apart from anything else, Siobhan, the issue is conflict of interest for a start.
Nuh-uh.
It's not an issue.
I don't see how you can be responsible for brand BBC, and brand Evan Davis at the same time.
No.
Sure.
I do everything at the same time.
- It's what I do.
Like get over it.
- Bollocks.
Meanwhile, back in damage limitation, Siobhan is explaining exactly why BBC Two Newsnight anchor, Evan Davis, appearing on Strictly Come Dancing, is such a cool idea.
But as current Controller of News and Current Affairs, Neil Reid is not fully convinced.
Have got any idea, what you're doing here? Okay.
So here's the thing with this.
Here's what it is.
What it is, is okay.
So the audience for Strictly is like everybody.
Okay? - Well - No.
It's not a question.
It is.
And the audience for Newsnight is like nobody, right? That's a slight over simplification No.
Sure.
I'm good with that.
So like Evan does Strictly.
Okay.
He's like one cool guy.
Suddenly I'm like, "I love this guy".
"Like, you're telling me his got his own show?" - It's not a fucking chat show.
- Okay.
Sure.
Whatever.
- Interesting though, Neil.
- Yes.
- Interesting way of - Yes, well, shall we come back to that.
- Absolutely.
Yeah.
- Suddenly, it's like you just rhinoceroized your audience for Newsnight overnight.
We are sitting in the best known news organisation in the world, okay.
- Hurrah.
- Yay.
Sorry, Neil.
Newsnight is the current affairs show that we are judged on, basically because we haven't got any other current affairs shows left.
- And believe it - Shame.
Believe it or not, people trust us.
God knows why.
But they do.
I mean we get it wrong from time to time.
- Brilliant.
- Yes.
Yes.
We do, Neil.
Yes.
- Of course we do.
- Yes.
- But we work bloody hard - No, Neil.
I think we all Look I just want to see what it sounds like, okay? - Right.
- I never get to say this stuff.
- No.
Of course.
Yes.
- Brilliant.
- Go, Neil.
- Can you imagine what will happen, if the main anchor of that show starts turning up on Saturday night in spray-on trousers and sparkly hair, clamped to some half-naked, orange-faced girl? - Yes.
Thank you.
I can, Neil.
- No, not you, Tracey No, I know.
But I'm just saying I can imagine it.
Right.
Yes.
And on another of our own channels.
No.
I mean I have to say with my Way Ahead hat on, with charter renewal and everything.
I mean, this really is not going to look great, is it? - Exactly.
No.
- Brilliant.
The fact is, this needs to not happen.
No, I mean, it's an interesting one, isn't it? And it needs to not happen now.
I mean, I don't know.
I may have got this wrong, but as the guy with the Way Ahead hat, Ian.
- Right.
- And of course the Values hat.
I mean, honestly, you've got so many hats.
I don't know - Yes.
All right.
- Are you saying this is something you really want to be across personally in an ideal world? I mean, I certainly I mean, as I say, this is a really - Brilliant.
- Brilliant.
I mean, this is a core issue for all of us, I think.
- Oh, brilliant, Ian.
Brilliant.
- Yup.
Okay.
All righty.
- Fabulous.
- Yes.
- Right.
Righty-ho.
Crap.
Meanwhile, at his new desk in the general area of new colleague Izzy Gould, Will Humphries is between sessions on his Syncopatico induction course.
Crap.
Whoa! - Jesus, what! - What? - No, no, no, no, no.
- What's wrong? The theory is, that by the end of the course, he'll be automatically synced to everyone and everything around him.
Whether they realise it or not.
- That's me.
- Yeah.
Say again.
- That's my stuff you've got there.
- Whoa! I was working on that.
What've you done? - That's amazing.
- Yeah.
It's like it just does it.
We were doing Syncopatipa this morning.
- Syncopatipa? - Yeah.
And the same thing happened with this girl Lynn Okay.
You have to undo this.
The guys had never seen that before.
- You have to undo it now.
- Yeah.
Good luck.
Yeah, 'cause like I don't know what I did.
Right.
Okay.
Give me that.
Is it always girls? What Yeah.
I don't know.
Because you got to say that that's pretty impressive.
Okay.
System preferences.
We're gonna need your password.
- Yeah.
- Put it in.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
Crap.
Not having much luck there, are you? Okay, cool, yeah so it's not working.
At least we know that.
Okay.
What is it? Yeah.
You can't you just have his password.
He can choose a new one.
What is it, Will? Yeah.
Yeah.
So Will - I.
- I.
- Z.
- Z.
Z.
Z.
Y.
Y.
Right.
Yeah.
And then, G.
- G.
Yeah.
- Yup.
- O - O-U-L-D.
Yeah.
O-U-L-D.
Yeah.
- And then four.
- Four? Yeah, I don't know.
That's just like a number.
- Yeah.
Crap.
- Right.
- You can try my name, if you like.
- Yeah.
- Shall I spell it for you? - Yeah.
- No.
Say again.
- Shut up.
In fact I sometimes say to my beginners, that Pilates is about three things.
Breathing, engaging your core and posture.
- Or as we call them "The pelvic three".
- Brilliant.
Meanwhile, it's Friday.
And there's an impressive turnout for the first ever free lunchtime BBC Pilates session.
Even though Director General Lord Tony Hall himself hasn't so far arrived yet.
Now especially if you're just starting - No.
The fact is - So we're not actually talking.
- The fact is - We're not talking we're just listening at this point.
So in Pilates, we breathe in through the nose.
Two, three, four And then we're exhaling through the mouth.
Two, three, four.
Inhaling through.
Yes.
So, we're doing it now, yes.
Inhaling through the nose, two, three, four.
And then when we exhale, we're gonna suck the belly button right into the spine.
Two, three, four.
- Can I ask a question? - Of course, yeah.
When we breathe in, should we be two, three, four-ing like you? - Well - No.
'Cause I'm not being funny or anything but what with inhaling and exhaling and sucking and what have you No.
You don't have to do that.
The fact is Okay.
And stop breathing.
Sorry, Anna.
Sorry, guys.
- Oh, we are actually - No.
That's okay, Jack, come in.
No, it's just I finally got hold of Alice in Tony's office.
- Yes.
- Just so you know he's not actually in this morning.
- Right.
- Okay.
- Apparently he and Simon went to - Yes.
Okay.
- Yes.
So I just - Yes.
Okay.
Good.
Sure.
Right.
Okay.
If we're done So what we're going to do, we're going to take what we've learned about our breathing - and we're going to - Yes.
So I'm gonna go.
I'm afraid.
- Right.
- Sorry.
- No.
Well, that's - Fact is that I've run out of time.
Uh, good luck with the breathing.
Obviously.
Sure.
Perhaps another time.
Well, let's hope so, perhaps.
Yes.
Okay.
So what we're going do now, we're going to take what we've learned from our breathing, and we're going to get familiar, with our pelvic girdle.
- All right.
- Oh, my God.
Actually do you know what, just while we've stopped Okay.
Sure.
I think I'm gonna have to go as well.
- Brilliant.
- Right.
- Yes.
No.
Very good.
- Sorry.
I mean if that's gonna be all right? No, yes.
I mean Really sorry.
It's just, um Some stuff I promised I'd look after this afternoon.
Well, again, maybe next time.
No, sure.
Absolutely.
Really enjoyed it, by the way.
- Yeah.
- Good.
- Brilliant.
- Thank you, so much.
And you're really, really great.
Have fun, everybody.
Righty-ho.
Okay.
Well, have to say, it is unusual to lose so many this early.
- Yes.
- But the fewer the number - the greater the glory.
- Can I just say, just so you know, - I'm not going anywhere.
- Sure.
'Cause I'm not being funny or anything.
I don't know about you.
But if you get a chance to get familiar with your pelvic girdle for free, I'm gonna take it.
Oh, no.
Tell me about it.
Hi.
Oh, hi, Lucy, yes.
How are you? - Yes.
Fine, yes.
- Great.
- Actually I've been - That's really great.
Listen I was gonna e-mail you, actually.
- Yes.
So was I.
- No.
Great.
I was gonna ask if you'd be able to just scribble something down on paper for me.
Scribble something down? Yeah.
Oh, you know, run an e-mail or just a record of where we're up to with Home Truth.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.
Right.
Okay.
At the moment, Generic Head of Comedy and or Drama, Matt Taverner, is a particularly a busy man.
And among the many projects that are currently uppermost in his mind, is his interview for the new Director of Better post at the end of the week.
When would you need this thing by? It'd be really good to get something in the next few days.
- Right.
- Tomorrow will be really great.
'Cause I still haven't managed to get hold of Dan since the meeting.
- No.
Sure.
- He's not returning e-mails, - or picking up messages.
- Sure.
I'm a bit worried, actually.
I'm not sure what's happened to him.
No, sure.
That's really great, Lucy.
- What do you think about Neighbourhoods? - Neighbourhood? - Yeah.
- I'm sorry, but - As a title, I mean - A title? Yeah.
I don't know.
I just got this feeling But after the meeting, Matt, Home Truth was about the only thing left.
- Yeah, no.
Sure.
Absolutely, yeah.
- Right.
Thanks, Lucy.
That'd be really great.
If Evan Davis does Strictly Come Dancing, he's crossed the fucking Rubicon, okay? - Excuse me? - He's never doing Newsnight again.
Okay, so, that's like discrimination, okay.
- What? - Well, hang on.
So, that's illegal right off of the bat.
It's another morning and Ian has asked Neil, Tracey and Siobhan to come in early for a breakfast meeting.
Overnight, the contestants for the next series of Strictly Come Dancing have been officially and irrevocably announced.
Okay.
Okay.
Here's the deal here.
Okay.
Evan is like a living, breathing I mean, he's like a person.
Okay? He's always wanted to dance.
He's like obsessed with Kylie.
Uh, he can do, um "Can't Get You Out of My Head," with all the moves.
Okay? This is like his moment.
Okay? This is where shit happens for him.
- This is gonna change his life.
- Right.
- Blimey.
- Bollocks.
Okay.
He doesn't do Strictly, he's not doing News Light.
Okay? - Newsnight.
- Sure.
Whatever.
Period.
That's the deal here, guys.
Fine.
Okay.
- Evan's actually said that to you? - Sure.
No.
I'm sorry, Siobhan, I don't I'm saying it to you now.
Okay.
Get over it.
- Fine.
Great.
Deal.
- Right.
- Cool.
- Great.
- Sure.
- Fine.
Right.
Okay.
Good.
Maybe they're not a Scottish family, okay, maybe they're like an Indian family, okay.
What is it those Indian things, it's like, you sit on them and you hit them at the same time.
For a while now, David Wilkes has been working on the format of Family Face-off.
A theoretical idea for a new BBC One show.
But drawing on past experience, Head of Output Anna Rampton, has induced producer Lucy Freeman to work alongside him in order to help him make it less theoretical.
and the other one can do twerking.
- Yeah.
All right.
And the great thing about this format, Anna There are some details still to be finalised.
But luckily, Anna has the ability to see past detail to the potential benefits of a show that's mainstream, warm, inclusive, and hers.
The fact is people don't think in formats.
They think in faces.
- I know, exactly.
Yes.
- Right.
If this thing's gonna work we need contemporary faces attached from the start.
- Right.
- Contemporary faces.
- Yes, exactly, yes.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Right.
So a thought that I had, guys, and stay with me on this Idris Elba.
- Right.
- Idris Elba? I know.
But he's not actually a presenter, is he? No, he isn't.
No.
I know.
But he's just such a beautiful man.
- Right.
- Okay.
And the thing is, do you know what? Sometimes you just got to make things happen.
Instead of hoping they'll happen.
The fact is, no one's hoping that'll happen.
- No.
- Least of all Idris.
Right.
No.
Okay.
Can I just say, it's difficult this, isn't it? But hang on, sorry.
Surely, um 'Cause I'm only I'm just catching up here.
- This is absolutely your thing, David.
- Oh, I know.
But what is it, what is it you're wanting to do here? - To do? - Yes.
No, sorry, you lost me already there, Lucy.
I mean if you really want to make this an inclusive thing.
- Yes.
Exactly.
Yes.
- If that's what this is about.
But the fact is this is about being better.
Oh, absolutely, yes.
And inclusive, obviously.
- Yes.
- Okay.
- So there are lots of ways - Ainsley Harriott? - No.
- No, okay.
Sorry, Lucy No.
I was just There are lots of ways of I mean, I don't know.
If you've got some kid who can play like the saxophone, get Courtney Pine in - as a mentor or judge.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Or, you know, or get Madhur Jaffrey, if you've got some dad cooking curry.
- Genius.
- Yes.
Exactly.
You know.
Or get what's his name if you got a kid that can do cartwheels or whatever, uh Gymnast.
Did Strictly - Ooh, ooh, Louis Smith.
- Louis Smith.
- Yes.
- Yes.
Oh, lovely, Louis.
Stop it, Lucy.
Yes.
Okay.
Good.
And I don't know, Family Face-off, If you really want inclusive, call it One Big Family or something instead.
"One Big Family"? Can I just say? I can feel the wand of history passing over us.
But like I said, this isn't my area.
I don't know how these things work.
So in this scenario, Ian, Evan would be like an undercover reporter, on Strictly, would he? - Well.
- Cool.
- Undercover? - Yes.
He's Evan fucking Davis.
He so is.
Back in Frankie Howard, they may be in the Last Chance Saloon with Evan Davis-gate.
But Ian has come up with an idea, that could just be the best option available to them.
Given that they haven't got any other options.
I suppose the question is, is there an angle on Strictly that a programme like Newsnight might just be doing a report on? - This is joke, right? - Well.
Evan Davis embedded in Elstree? Well, okay, if you like All I'm asking, I mean, would that help us at all? - Right.
- No.
Bollocks, Ian.
Sure, I am totally good with that.
But if the idea is to work, the challenge is to find an angle on Strictly Come Dancing that's serious enough to be worthy of Newsnight.
When you say an angle, Ian - I mean, is there - Okay.
Okay.
Shoes.
- Well, no.
- Shoes? Like how everyone loves heels.
Yes, I've seen stuff on that.
Like, that's such a cool idea.
Yes, I'm not sure that's really Newsnight territory, is it, Neil? - You expect me to answer that? - Right.
Okay.
No.
- Okay.
Okay.
Gay stuff.
- Gay stuff? - What? - Like, why we're are all gay these days.
I mean, that's a no-brainer.
Right.
I think that's perhaps a bit Can I just say, I'm finding it difficult to think, here.
I just mean, is there something that feels a bit more heavyweight than you know, shoes? - Okay, heavyweight? - Yes.
- Okay, right.
- Fat people.
No, not fat people, Siobhan.
That's really not, that's not very - It's not very good.
- Well, I mean that, it's - Although.
- What? I mean, I suppose, I mean, uh - Body image is something.
- Sure.
- Body image? - All right.
You know the whole body stereotyping issue.
Sure, exactly, fat people.
Like I said, it's perfect.
It is an area that it's in the air at on the moment, - Yes.
- I mean it really is It Actually, could you stop doing that, please? - Sure.
- Yes.
- Just a bit difficult - Yeah, sure, I'm good with that.
- Yeah, shut up.
- Right.
No.
Yes.
It's just that one of that.
Like, I had to finish, right? No, I don't know, it just feels like it might be - something in this general area.
- Sure.
Totally.
'Cause, I'm not being funny or anything, but when you actually think of it, when was the last time anyone fat or old ever actually won Strictly Come Dancing? - Nah-uh.
- Well.
Yes.
No.
But that's like, ew! Not going to happen.
Also, as a woman, I am going to say this Personally, I've had about enough of being compared to Abbey Clancy all the time.
- Well, yes, that's - We love Abbey.
- That must be - I'm sure it must be the same for men.
Well, it Yes.
No, I think I would believe that gender stereotyping is an area that Newsnight might get itself involved with.
- Sure, totally.
- I got to say, I agree, Ian.
I mean, Neil? Yeah.
I'm always being compared to Abbey Clancy.
- Right.
- It's a bloody nightmare.
Right.
Okay.
- We should just tell him.
- No.
We're all grown-ups.
Well, you and I are anyway.
I'm not asking him to move.
I'm not going to do that.
That's right.
I'll do it for you.
Elsewhere in the building, Izzy and Jack have taken some time out to discuss professional issues of their own.
It's a nightmare.
It's like you never know what he's gonna pair himself with next.
Just 'cause Will's a nice guy.
Oh, yeah, no, he's lovely.
He's just useless, that's all.
Like he shouldn't actually be an assistant.
It's not great for us, is it? - What? - Well, to be on the same - God.
That's so typical.
- What? Will tries really hard at everything he does.
Yeah.
And that just makes the fact he's useless even worse.
It's not like it's going to be an issue for me.
But it's What do you mean it's not going to be an issue for you? - Well, nothing - No, what's - No, tell me, I'm going to find out.
- Really.
Don't do this.
Just tell me.
All I'm saying is it's you I'm thinking about.
- Bloody hell, it's Anna, isn't it? - What? No.
- She's going to get the job.
- Is she? - Come on, what's she offered you? - It's all you.
- It's Development or Research.
- I haven't said anything.
Great.
So that just leaves me and bloody Will.
I thought he was a nice guy.
- What? - See, I told you.
It's you I'm thinking about.
Monday.
Some more things have happened and it's the start of a new and different week at the BBC.
Anna Rampton is arriving at New Broadcasting House.
This morning, with even more of an awareness than usual of being a woman walking towards her destiny.
But meanwhile, inside in the Syncopata Cafe, writer Dan Shepherd has come down to London from Wetherby and has asked if he can come in and talk to Lucy Freeman about the future.
No, 'cause the thing is, I don't know anything about Walthamstow.
- No, no, no.
- I don't even know how you get there.
Well, like I said on the phone, it's not about the script, really, Dan.
Yeah.
And I suppose you just get a bus? Since Generic Head of Comedy and or Drama Matt Taverner's idea of setting Dan's small town love story either Home Truth or Neighbourhood in Walthamstow instead of Scarborough, he's had time to think about that.
Depending on how you feel about it all, I think we might actually be able to make this work in our favour if we're really careful about it.
- Yeah.
- Dan Yeah, it's fine.
I think I might've had enough though, really.
- No.
No.
- If that's okay with you, obviously? - I don't wanna - No, you mustn't.
You can't just give up.
Actually, I should probably get off, really.
- No.
No.
- Don't want to miss my train.
No, 'cause if you give up, then, I mean, you know You can't.
The thing is, I'm looking after my landlady's cat.
Yes.
But you mustn't let it defeat you, Dan.
No, it's okay.
It's just old.
It keeps forgetting where it is and then it panics.
It's nearly 10 o'clock.
And Ian is on his way back from somewhere for a meeting.
- Hi.
- Yes.
Hi.
Yes.
I didn't have you down as a smoker.
- No, I'm not.
- Right.
Yes, they're horrid.
Yes.
You okay? Yes.
No, I'm fine.
Thanks.
Yes.
No.
Yes.
I'm just out here.
Right.
Yes, so first of all, we should probably say, all hail Her Royal Highness, Princess Anna of Better.
- Right.
Yes.
- Yay! - Brilliant.
- Okay.
No.
- All hail! - Yeah.
Great.
Meanwhile, inside, in Tommy Cooper, momentous and much anticipated events are unfolding.
I'm sorry, Simon, can I ask something? Yes, of course, Tracey.
Of course you can.
I got to say, as something of a woman myself, it's great that Anna has got this job, obviously.
- Yes.
- Sure.
- Brilliant.
- Brilliant.
I'm sorry.
I am going to say this, Director of Better what? - Ah, yes.
- Ah, very good.
With Anna Rampton now officially confirmed as the BBC's first ever Director of Better this is a potentially defining moment for everyone else.
Yes.
No, uh, brilliant, Tracey.
Brilliant.
I mean, Anna, I don't know if you want to say a few words at this point.
- No.
- No? Okay.
- Not at this stage.
No.
- Brilliant.
The fact is there'll be an e-mail introducing myself globally.
- Cool.
- No.
Of course.
Brilliant.
- Right.
- I'm totally good with that.
- All righty.
So, moving on.
- Oh, no.
Hang on a minute.
Uh, Neil, yes, of course.
- So what's the bloody answer? - Brilliant.
I mean, it's got to mean something, isn't it? Exactly.
Yes.
Thank you, Neil.
Yes.
Uh, no.
Brilliant, Neil.
Uh, really.
No.
Listen, for what it's worth.
I guess in Tony's head, I mean, listen, what can any of us know about Tony's head but I think basically it's about, you know, it's about interrogating everything we currently do and asking the question, you know Asking the, you know, the Yes Yeah.
Yeah.
- All right.
Is this as good as - Is this as good as If this as good as it could be then I guess from now on, if it doesn't get past the Director of Better, we don't do it.
- No.
- Right.
So, it is a really big job, then? Oh, yes.
Absolutely.
Yes.
- Yes.
- No.
Sure.
I got to say, that is exactly what I thought.
- Righty-ho.
- Bloody great! Goody good.
I don't want to work on Family bloody Fuck-up - or whatever it's gonna be called.
- Right.
It's not what I thought I'd end up doing.
What did you think you'd end up doing? I don't know.
Don't know what I'm doing Back outside meanwhile, as Head of Values Ian has made an executive decision to be late for a meeting for once, to offer Lucy some carrot cake and listen to her talk about her own job instead.
I don't have to do this.
I could get a job behind a bar or something.
- Well, yes.
- You know, or Work in a garden centre.
Yes.
No.
Garden centre's good.
I'll be really good at that, too.
No responsibility.
I've always wanted to do that.
No, 'cause the thing with that is, is somehow you're outside and if it's raining or in winter, you can drink tea all day long.
- Yes.
- So either way, you can't really lose.
Exactly.
Yes.
No.
Mmm.
- Thanks.
It was really kind of you.
- Well, no.
- It was brilliant.
- Yes.
No.
It looks nice.
- Really good carrot cake.
- Yes.
Also, thanks for, you know, for listening.
- Well, no.
- Helping me reason it out.
It's kind of scary and exciting all at the same time.
What is? It's one of those things you think, "Why didn't I do it ages ago?" - No.
Wait, Lucy.
- "Why has it taken me this long?" - No.
No.
No.
No.
- What? No, Lucy, you can't do this.
You can't just I mean you're the sort of person the BBC depends on.
Yes.
I know.
That's why I want to leave.
The BBC is facing mounting criticism tonight after it announced that Evan Davis is to appear as a contestant in the next series of Strictly Come Dancing.
And she's like, "There's going to be this new job.
" Do we really have to do this? Yeah.
Welcome to my world.
Basically, they'd like it to be you.
- You mean, you.
- Me.
Yes, I know.
Yes.
- Right.
- Yes, I know.
Me.
Ian Fletcher, this a bit of an own goal for you, isn't it? The fact is, this would be some kind of an event, would it? Another example of both you and the BBC being - frankly a bit useless.
- Yes.
I know.
Anna has locked herself in the toilet.
In the toilet? Just say something, you stupid bitch.
Fact is, I can't do this.
You are so going to kill here, girl.
Thanks, Ian.
That was great.
No.
I don't want this.
I don't want it.
I don't want it.