Waiting for God (1990) s02e02 Episode Script

1
Oh, Look at this, Antonio.
Your bulbs are upside down, you fool!
Votre fleurs so nt. ..
What is the French for upside down?
Quel est le frangais pour upside down?
He's Portuguese, Diana.
I do not speak Portuguese, Jane.
Please don't confuse the issue,
it's bad enough trying to communicate
with this sardine—sucking incompetent
without you flapping round
like a bat on heat.
Look. Upside down—o.
Are you trying to make them
pop up in Sydney?
Doh!
Dear God, how did Vasco da Gama
ever make it home?
Mr. Bains did ask you
not to throw things at the staff.
It's very bad for morale
if the people they're trying to care for
keep attacking them.
What do you want, Jane?
Two things.
There's a new resident joining us.
Oh, another condemned soul
coming across the Styx.
Her name's Daisy Williams
and she's very sweet.
Soon knock that out of her.
Harvey asked if you'd show her round.
Me? Why?
He thinks it'd be nicer to have an actual
resident helping people get acquainted.
Sounds like a halfway decent idea. How on earth
did the cretin Bains come up with that?
I thought he was still
struggling with reading.
Well, I might have sown the seeds.
Thought so. It smacked of your clotted cream
gooey niceness oozing all over the carpet.
Oh, thanks, Diana.
What was your second point?
— It's Tom.
— Oh, my God, what's he up to now?
(Jane) He won't get out of bed.
No, well, he's away, isn't he?
Off on his endless travels
through his library of B—movies.
He's been Scott of the Antarctic all week.
Couldn't get near the bloody fridge.
To m?
Tom, where are you?
Tom, Jane Russell is outside.
In her swimwear.
Wondered if you would like a quick dip.
I haven't seen Jane Russell.
Would you just go away, Jane,
and leave this to me?
— Harvey's getting his son over.
— You hear that?
They're bringing in your idiot son
and his revolting wife.
If you're still unconscious
Marion'll sell you for scrap.
To m?
Ground Control to Captain Tom.
What's up, old stick?
— Oh, Diana
— Tom? What is it?
Oh, Diana.
Yes?
(Deep voice) Oh, Diana
Oh, for heaven's sake!
What is the matter with you?
— I feel a bit lost, Diana.
— Round here or at the South Pole?
— Here.
— Why aren't you getting out of bed?
— Doesn't seem much point.
— Of course there's no point.
There is no point in the entire universe
or in the concept of the vacuum
from whence it came.
No point or purpose in anything.
No design, no nothing.
Nothing and then more nothing.
I only said I didn't want to get out of bed.
— Why not?
— I'm lonely.
— I am on my own.
— Oh, no, you're not, Tom.
We're all here. I'm just next door.
Come on, you've just got a fit of the blues.
Happens to us all at our age.
You know what I do
when I feel really down?
I get up, I get dressed, I go out
and I do something
really vile to someone.
The mobile library will be due soon.
Let's go and drive her up the wall.
— I miss my wife.
— What, your real wife?
Yes. Dear Maggie. She slipped away
from me 15 years ago yesterday.
— Oh, I see.
— You can be surrounded by people,
chattering away, but there comes a moment
when you climb into bed, switch out the light
and you're on your own.
No one to share a thought with, no one to share
a hope with. No one to sharethe darkness.
All alone.
Lonely.
(Tuts)
Well I can see today
is going to be a bundle of laughs.
— He misses Mummy?
— According to Diana.
But she's been dead and buried
for 15 years.
Well, she was cremated, actually.
She's in a tin in the potting shed.
God Almighty.
She was a strange woman. I sometimes
got the impression she didn't like me.
— Surely not.
— Anyway, I have a migraine coming on.
— Cut your head off, that should fix it.
— What do you want us to do?
A change of scenery
might cheer him up a bit.
— You could take him home for a while.
— What, with us? To our house?
— Well, why not?
— I've just had the carpets shampooed.
— I'm sorry?
— He's old.
He hasn't got full control
of all his vowels. Heleaks.
Jane, get me a machete,
I have to do a headectomy.
Not now, Diana.
Come on, dear, we'll have a chat with him.
It's monstrous genetic throwbacks
like her that make the human race
totally incapable of making any real progress.
Yes, she's an interesting woman.
— Daisy Williams is arriving.
— Ah, the new internee.
Tell her to hold the dogs and let her
through the wire, I'm coming right down.
What is going on?
The new introduction scheme.
Diana's going to show her round.
Diana?
Well, w—we agreed. A current resident.
Yes, but a decent resident!
Not Diana Foul—mouthed Trent!
God, Jane, I thought I was stupid
until I met you.
Oh, you are, Harvey.
I mean, you're not, Harvey!
Course you're not. I'm the one that's stupid.
You're not nearly as stupid as I am.
— Jane, you're touching me.
— Sony
(Coughs)
— You don't mind if I smoke, do you?
— No, of course not.
I've still got full power of one lung.
Besides, I've always had a yen
for emphysema,
it's what took my dear Maggie off.
I'd feel an extra closeness if we both
died of the same(Chokes)..disease.
We both miss Mummy, too, Dad.
Don't we, Marion?
Oh, yes. Yes. Lovely lady.
But she had had a good run.
And we can't all sit in bed forever
just because someone dies.
You should find yourself a hobby.
When my pet hamster died
I took up Japanese paper folding.
Origami.
That's what it was called.
The paper folding, not my hamster.
— God
— Let me handle this, Marion.
Why don't you go andplump up the cushions?
Oh. Right—o.
Oh, Geoffrey, how could you
let a thing like that into your life?
She has her good points. I suppose.
I remember when your mother first met her,
she came to me and she said,
"Tom," — that was my name then —
— It still is, Dad.
— "Tom," she said,
"Geoffrey is going to many
the Wicked Witch of the West."
— I'm sure she didn't, Dad.
— No. Probably not.
She was too kind to be really honest.
You're gonna have to come to terms
with it, Dad. Being on your own.
— Unless you weren't on your own.
— Not now.
No, no, no, what does she mean?
Well, you could always find someone else.
Oh, I could never do that.
Why not? You don't have
to get married these days.
The countryside is littered with
old ducks on their own.
Who knows,
one of them might have a tidy little sum.
I mean, living here, on your own.
It's not cheap, you know.
— I do pay for myself.
— Yes, of course you do, but
the money could be usedelsewhere.
You do have a family, after all.
Have you never thought of
cheese wire round the neck?
— What did he say?
— He's talking about garrotting you.
Oh, right. Nice.
Ohh
The building has at times been
a monastery and a lunatic asylum.
They've now managed to combine the two
in this aberration known as the Bayview
Retirement Village for the Almost Dead.
You see, it was designed by an architect
who was obviously
under heavy medication at the time.
Much like that insipid, clot—headed shyster
who runs the place now.
— Do you mean Mr. Bains?
— Right!
Harvey Bains, believed to be
a member of the human race.
The decision is under appeal.
He's aided and abetted by that harmless
animated flannel, Jane Edwards.
We all enjoy
making her life a total misery.
Oh. Oh, I say,
aren't you being rather frightful?
— I beg your pardon?
— You do seem to me to be
the most extraordinarily offensive person.
Oh. Thank you very much.
Let's do the inside of the stalag now, shall we?
And this is the communal trough.
Any foodstuffs considered unfit
for human consumption end up here.
See this yogurt?
Sell—by date is in Roman numerals.
Ah. Say hello, Harvey, if it's not
too much of a strain on your vocabulary.
— We have met. It's Rose, isn't it?
— Daisy, actually.
A lovely name. My mother was called Rose.
This is jenny, who runs the
dining room and does the lobotomies.
Take no notice of her, Mrs. Williams.
Diana is a very warped person.
I think she just enjoys
trying to shock people.
It's a common trait amongst
the ill—mannered and ill—bred.
— Ill—bred?
— Yes.
— Which is your table?
— Well, it's this one.
Right, well, then, I think
I will sit over there, jenny.
Good day to you, Miss Trent. It is Miss, isn't it?
I wouldn't imagine that anyone of your sour
disposition could ever have been married.
(Chuckles)
Well, well, well. Looks like
you met your match there, eh, Diana?
just go away or I'll kill you.
How charming.
Death threats in the dining room.
"Go away." Righto. Why not? I'm not sensitive.
— What—ho, Diana!
— Ah, you got up!
Yes. I found a new solution to my problems.
We must have a chat.
— Will you join me for yum—yums?
— (Laughter)
No, thank you. I'm not hungry.
What's going on up here?
What—ho! My name is Scott. Captain Scott.
These are my two faithful huskies.
I'm very pleased to meet you.
Why don't you park your sleigh
and come and join us?
(Laughter)
Ill—bred
Ill—mannered, fine, but ill—bred
just bloody rude.
Now look what she's done. That's one china doll
that needs shoving off the mantelpiece.
Hello, old thing. You missed a great lunch.
It's Thursday. I missed a dead rabbit.
No, I mean that new girl, Daisy Williams.
What a sport.
She had us in fits with her parodies of Kipling.
jolly good.
Bung another hockey stick on the fire.
Got some grand stories. And she knew Shaw.
— Sandie?
— No, George Bernard.
— Ah! So she is as old as she looks.
— But as young as she feels.
— Oh, my God. Show them a petticoat
— Her husband was an army wallah.
— Died last year.
— Has she never heard of suttee?
— What?
— A charming old Indian custom
whereby the wife throws herself
on the dead hubby's bonfire.
You're not being a little negative
about her, are you?
Negative? Me?
No, of course not. I'm delighted.
I've always wanted a real—life Major Barbara
banging about, telling me how common I am.
Was there something you wanted, Tom?
— Yes, actually there was.
— Well, speak up, man.
I was wondering if you would like
to shack up with me.
I'm sorry, Tom, I don't think
I heard you correctly.
I thought you asked me
to "shack up with you".
— Do correct me if I'm wrong.
— No, that's it.
Well, if you would like to
place your head upon the floor,
I will endeavour to kick it
clean off your shoulders.
Oh, no, Diana, I don't mean the Humpty
Dumpty, Inky Pinky Parlez—vous,
"Oops—golly, who's for tennis?" bit.
— Do you mean sex?
— Oh, Diana!
There's no point in having a language
which encourages
the use of complex euphemisms
if you charge along using words like
what you just said.
— What do you want, Tom?
— I just meantthe living together bit.
— What, you and me?
— We almost do already!
When I came here first, there was
a little formal barrier between us.
Well, that's gone now. I mean, we would only
need one kitchen, one bathroom,
— one bedroom.
— One bedroom?
Two beds. Then I wouldn't feel lonely
and you'd have a man about the place.
— A man about the place.
— Yes. And think of the money we'd save.
— Ah, the money.
— Yes! So what do you say?
Would you care to give me a little while
to think about your wonderful offer?
Righto!
(Whistles)
Antonio!
Antonio?
Ah, Antonio.
Come with me.
Venez avec moi.
Téte de chou—fleur.
Hello, Diana.
— What are you doing?
— Bugger off.
She's very, ercolourful.
(Laughs) It's frustration, you know.
Left on the shelf.
They get bitter and twisted
and turn on everyone
and then on themselves, and finally go mad.
(Laughs) Are you married,
Miss Edwards?
(Tearfully) No, I'm not.
Excuse me.
Hello, Jane!
Goodbye, Jane.
Strange girl. What's the matter with her?
Probably something I said. It usually is.
I have a tendency to speak my mind.
(Laughs) Say what I think.
Why don't you stand up straight?
That's the matter with this place.
LMF, lack of moral fibre.
My late husband, Charlie, would soon have
whipped this lot into shape.
Your late husband?
Tell me, do you miss him?
Is it that obvious?
Er, no, not at all.
Frankly, I fail to see the point in outliving him.
We were a unit. The colonel
and his second—in—command.
— Ah.
— We did everything the right way
at the right time.
We worked for the country, this country,
all our lives. We were owed!
We wereowed our time together at the end.
But we didn't get it, did we?
Lonely, eh?
Yes.
Very lonely.
Still, not much one can do about that,
is there?
It's not as though one were foreign
and could weep and wail all over the place.
Oh, no. Right. Stiff upper
thingies.
If you don't hold your head up properly,
you'll get a stoop when you get older.
Sony
Erm
So have you thought about my offer, Diana?
Are we to become live—in
It's definitely my room.
My conservatory.
But not my wall.
Excuse me, wall.
How do you do? My name is Scott
but you can call me Tom.
Now, look, this is nothing personal, wall.
It's just that I think
you are at the wrong address.
What's that? Diana put you there?
Oh, I thought she might have done.
Any idea why?
No?
Maybe we'd better ask her.
Hello?
Diana?
Are you there?
Oh! Good grief.
— Diana, how nice to see you.
— What do you want?
Nothing. Nothing.
Good.
— What do you want?
— Correct me if I'm wrong, Diana.
I know I do sometimes stray from
the rigid paths of perceived reality.
I know that I also have occasional hiccups
in my logical progression.
— I..I know that
— What do you want?
— Is this a wall here?
— It is.
In actual real life?
Yes.
I see. And it is erected at your instigation?
Yes.
You are desirous
to emulate the Emperor Hadrian?
Only when there are barbarians next door.
What have I done?
— You've no idea, have you?
— Is it something I said?
# Roll out the barrel
# We'll have a barrel of fun
# Roll out the barrel
— Yes, Diana?
— Take her outside and break her fingers.
Oh, Diana, why don't you have a singsong?
I have never had a singsong
in my life, Jane.
I'm quite capable of reading without
the assistance of a bouncing ball.
I'm sure Harvey Bains like to sing along.
You're just jealous, Diana,
because Daisy's so popular.
— (Man) Come on!
— # Roll out the barrel
# We'll have a barrel of fun
# Zing boom tararrel
La—la la la—la laa ♪
(Plays spoons)
That. That is a wooden partition.
Brilliant, Harvey.
We all thought it was a bit of fish.
I mean,
it is an unauthorised wooden partition.
— That's hardly the point.
— It is very much the point.
It contravenes fire regulations. I mean,
what if a fire broke out here, Jane?
I expect he'd step out of the window, here.
Nobody asked you, Jane. It'll have to go.
The problem, Harvey, is not the wall itself
but the reason it is there.
Why did Diana put it up at all?
To upset me, of course.
Everything she does is to upset me.
No, she told me that was too easy.
She's bored with that.
This is because of me, I think.
— Why don't you ask her?
— She won't tell me.
What do you expect me to do about it?
My job is to run this place
efficiently and economically
without illegal partitions
popping up all over the place.
— Personal problems are not my area.
— Whose area are they?
— Hers.
— Mine?
Yes. Sort it out. Diana's gone too far. Tell that
vicious old stoat I want this wall removed, OK?
Hello, Diana. Aaaahhh!
Yoo—hoo!
— I said, yoo—hoo!
— So?
Well, usually when I say "yoo—hoo"
you tell me to bug Er, go away,
or hit me on the head
or something equally charming.
Do I?
Soyou don't want to swear at me?
No.
— Nice wall you've got there.
— Sit.
— Sorry?
— Sit down.
Right.
You want to know why I've built a wall
between myself and Tom.
Er, well, er, you know Yes.
Awesomely improbable as it may seem,
we have something in common.
— We do?
— What is it?
— We're women.
— We are single women.
— And likely to remain that way.
— Oh, Diana.
The difference is that where I am happily
resigned to connubial solitude,
you cling desperately
to the hope that that idiot Bains
will one day park his Gucci slippers
beneath your sorry cot.
That's very cruel, Diana.
My relationship with Harvey is purely business.
I just happen to admire him from afar
for the fine human being that he is.
Good God
Anyway, Jane, even though we are single,
it does not mean that
we like being taken for granted.
It does not mean
that we don't like to becourted.
It does not mean we like to be treated
like some money—saving device.
It does not mean we are open to callous
invitations to "shack up" with someone!
Nobody ever asked me to shack up with them.
No, well, they have me.
Ohh!
You mean? Oh.
I don't blame Tom. He's daft.
He's away with the fairies
most of the time.
Runs on a different gauge track
to the rest of us.
But until now he's always been possessed
of a certain goodness of spirit.
I've done my best to make him see
how awful life is,
but, thank God,
he's always come smiling through.
A true innocent.
But this time he has hit the buffers
and I was standing right in front of them.
And I'm not amused.
But will you forgive him?
Yes, of course I will. Eventually.
Maybe I could help.
Yes, maybe you could.
Diana, I'm getting a bit fed up with this.
And you've put a bolt on your side,
haven't you?
Well, I don't care. If you want to be Howard
Hughes, you be Howard Hughes.
I hope your fingernails stab you.
Oh, I don't know. I don't know.
— Yoo—hoo.
— Ah. Have you spoken with her?
— Yes.
— What did she say?
She doesn't think Harvey and I
have a future together.
— But what did she say about me?
— She's wrong about Harvey.
He's really a lovely man.
He just hides it sometimes.
Jane!
Ooh, sorry. Yes, what did she say?
— Um She thinks you're daft.
— What?
And away with the fairies.
And she doesn't want to be taken for granted
or to shack up with you.
And she was rude about Harvey's slippers.
Well, that's charming, I must say.
I make her a wonderful proposition and she
throws it in my face. I won't talk to her again.
(Jane) Oh, no! You mustn't do that.
I'm here to patch things up.
Oh, dear, I don't seem to be getting it right.
— (Daisy) Hello!
— (Tom) Hello!
— It's me, Daisy.
— Ah, how nice to see you.
— You know Jane.
— Yes, of course. Hello, dear. Do run along.
— I was just explaining
— That's all right, dear. About your duties.
— Yes, right.
— Bye.
Ah, Daisy, what can I do for you?
You can put on your hat, you can take my arm
— and we shall go for a stroll.
— Oh! (Chuckles)
Oh. Erm
Yes, why not? jolly good idea.
just what a chap needs.
It gets awfully stuffy and confused in here.
— Off we go.
— We shall go down to the lake.
I've got a few plans
for shaping things up around here.
jolly good.
Tell me,
do you have any organisational abilities?
I have organised three Arctic expeditions.
Splendid! We'll make a grand team.
(Both laugh)
To m?