Warehouse 13 s02e02 Episode Script

Previously on Warehouse 13 Thank you for remembering our appointment.
Artie! How could you possibly have survived? The Phoenix? Yeah.
Harriet Tubman's thimble.
It was me.
Mrs.
Frederic, it was me.
Worst case of identity theft ever.
It's not her fault.
James! James! I'm sorry, Arthur.
Hi.
That's a great color on you.
Hello.
You're never going to win these people over.
I'm telling you.
They will succumb to my charms, Myka.
They will succumb.
Hi.
Hello.
What Whatever.
Come on.
Don't pull me.
Come on.
This is bull.
Joy.
Is it Tuesday again already? Ah, yes.
Kiss, kiss to you, Brenda.
Have we got our stuff or what? Ah! Finally! It only took six months.
Shipped in from D.
C.
This morning.
What, are you taking deliveries from the mob? M.
O.
B.
, Einstein.
Myka O.
Bering.
What's the "O" for? Uh, Olive? Olive oil.
Olive Garden? So not telling you.
Whatever.
Hey, hey, B.
, B.
, what about my stuff? Sorry, slick, that's it.
If you don't mind, I'm watching a movie and I don't have the TiVo.
It's my books, my music, my fuzzy slippers.
Yay! Yay! Let me get you some salt.
Sorry.
They said they're offloading more, but that's just insane.
You had your chance, Arthur Artie? Hey, you okay? Yeah, fine.
You sure? Because for a second there, you seemed untethered.
Weren't you supposed to be helping Leena install the rest of the new motion detectors? Getting to it.
Getting to it? Claudia, if the Warehouse is vulnerable, then we are vulnerable, and we are not going to be vulnerable ever again.
And there are other threats out there.
Who? H.
G.
Wells? Sister friend kind of did us a favor by killing Killing does no one a favor.
That's why we have Teslas, not bullets.
That's why ethics are codified in the Saved by the beep.
Looks like we got a ping.
Want me to rally the troops? No.
What I want is for you to help Leena install the rest of the new motion detectors.
Aye, aye, Captain Bligh.
Hello, Motor City.
Now, that's something I never expected to see.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She must have found an artifact that makes her act like a girl.
Her aura, it's just so Happy? These things hold special memories for me.
You know, it makes me feel like I'm home.
We interrupt this concert to bring you your regularly scheduled job.
All right, first, this mugger is delivered to Detroit Metro Police into a twisted street light.
Look at that.
He's in a coma.
And then, this drug dealer, he is found dangling from this flagpole, pretty high up too.
He is in a coma as well.
By the time it takes to print these photos, our mysterious assailant strikes again.
A person did this? With what? If I knew that, I wouldn't be sending you both to Detroit.
Plane's in an hour.
Skedaddle.
Listen, I know things are awkward between you and Claudia, but I need you working together and over it.
Don't talk to me, talk Just get it done.
Whoa! Now, that is a big hole.
So Officer Kessman, according to the reports, you were first on scene in all three incidents? Yes, ma'am.
I was out walking my beat and I hear three shots fired followed by a loud crash, and that's when I look up and I see the hole.
But not what caused it? No, ma'am.
Fortunately the occupants were out of town, so the only casualty is the perp.
Okay, well, thank you.
We'll take it from here.
Yeah.
Three shots fired, no blood, no bullet holes.
Hey, Myks, check these out.
Bullets.
Yesireebob.
At least they used to be.
Investigators didn't find these? Investigators? With all the recent cutbacks, we're lucky we still have guns.
Welcome to my world.
Kevlar? No way a vest would flatten a slug that much.
That's just freaky.
Welcome to our world.
Yeah.
Hello? Claudia? Hey, Claudia.
Claudia.
Jeez! Jeez, Leena, skulk much? Artie wants us to finish putting these sensors up.
Well, I'm doing this instead.
Okay.
Look, do you want to just get it off your chest right now? My chest is burdenless.
Can't you tell by reading my aura? I don't have to read your aura to know that you're pissed off at me.
I'm going back to work now.
Neighborhood Watch meets here once a week.
Might be because Loretta organized the group, and she makes the best pies in the Midwest.
Pete, he said pie.
I know.
I just want to make sure everything's jake on the home front first.
I'll be right there.
Thank you.
Look, all's I'm saying is, you want to make an omelet, you got to crack a few skulls.
And I'm saying there are other ways to keep this neighborhood safe than vigilantism.
Right, Sheldon? I've read that there are two types of criminals, parasites and cowards.
Amen, brother.
Like that.
Boom.
What? Cranky is kind of your natural state of being, isn't it? What, please? Three squashed bullets, okay? We think the artifact has some kind of a bullet proof invulnerability.
Yeah.
No, that wouldn't explain the hole in the wall.
What if, whatever it is, it does a bunch of different stuff? Doubtful.
Okay, well, maybe Claudia can do a little, you know, "tippy typy" Look, Pete, could you just figure it out? You're a big kid now.
All right, I got to go.
Okay.
Look, Artie, this is a little too crotchety, even for you.
What's going on? I'm sorry.
It's nothing.
It's just that I have a little rodent problem.
I'll have Claudia explore the invulnerability theory, all right? Gracias.
Hey.
Detroit's almost-finest.
Officer Kessman, large mochaccino and a slice of pumpkin to go? Not today, Loretta.
This is Agent Bering, Secret Service.
I'm her partner, Agent Lattimer.
Howdy.
Is the President in town? No, no, we're just here on a local matter, and we could use the Neighborhood Watch's help.
The authorities need our help? That's not a good sign.
Well, I have to run to the bank.
I'll be right back but you can talk to Sheldon.
He works with the Watch.
Two slices of the lemon meringue for the agents, please.
Oh, you know what? I'm more of a Twizzlers gal myself, but thanks.
But I'll take her slice.
Thank you.
So, what are you guys looking for? Anything strange or unusual.
Yes.
You know, something that could twist a street lamp, or put a hole through a brick wall.
You see anything like that that fits the bill? No.
Sorry, I haven't seen anything, but I'll definitely keep my eye out.
Okay, then.
If you don't mind, my city needs me.
You know, Dudley Do-Right was first on the scene at all three locations.
Yeah, he's also P.
O.
'd about the cutbacks, and he likes to do things his own way.
Maybe he's doing things his own way with an artifact.
We should probably I think we should.
Mmm.
Oh, I'm going to take these with me.
Thank you so much.
What do you think he's got? I don't know.
Wyatt Earp's badge, maybe? That's a good theory, Olivia.
Olga.
Oprah.
Hey.
Game on.
I'm going to go check out the bedroom.
Hey, up there! The window's been broken! Freeze, Dirty Harry! Surrender the artifact! Artifact? What are you talking about? And what the hell is that thing? What did you use to mop the floor with these guys? I didn't do this.
Sure you didn't.
We got an anonymous tip and I come up No freaking way.
Help me! Please! Okay, just put him down nice and slow! Who was that masked man? That was no man.
That was a superhero.
Pete, that was not a superhero.
No, that was the Iron Shadow.
The Iron Shadow? Yeah.
Only the most awesomest character of the silver age.
You grew up in a book store.
How do you not know that? Real books.
Not cartoons.
Yeah, comic books.
A guy in tights just leaped over a building.
Yeah, best to omit that from your report.
What report? Right.
Okay, that mask he was wearing looked kind of artifact-y.
Maybe that's where he's getting those powers.
No, the Iron Shadow doesn't have powers.
He's just a regular guy who trained to be the ultimate urban samurai.
Okay, even ultimate urban samurai can't leap over buildings, okay? Whoever that was has an artifact.
We should have Claudia check the Warehouse database.
No need.
You're looking at a one-man Iron Shadow encyclopedia.
Pick an issue, any issue.
I think we already know your issues, okay? So, Officer Kessman said he got an anonymous tip, right? Bet you dollars to donuts where that call came from.
Donuts or pies.
Best in the Midwest.
See, now I want donuts.
Since when does the Secret Service investigate petty crimes? Just open the safe.
Do you have any idea what this woman means to this community? Sheldon, it's okay.
No.
It's not.
You go after good citizens like Loretta? I was robbed at gunpoint in my apartment.
Bastards took my clothes, my computer, my collection, everything.
We all feel unsafe.
We just want somebody to do something about it.
There.
Knock yourselves out.
What does this do? It's a key.
It opens things.
You may want to cover your eyes.
Nothing.
No, no, nothing.
Guess the Iron Shadow doesn't use keys.
Wait, the Iron Shadow? Yeah.
Like the comic book? Yeah, yeah, some guy running around town.
We're very sorry.
Yeah.
Sorry to bother you.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Thank you for your time.
Thank you.
Hello square one, we meet again.
Okay, okay, let's just think this through, okay? You're Joe Schmoe, you find an artifact that gives you super powers, what do you do? I track down Ralph Brunsky and give him the mother of all atomic wedgies in front of the entire seventh grade class.
Or I don the guise of my all-time favorite superhero, and use my powers to fight crime.
Okay.
Okay.
So where does a person like you hang out? Yeah.
Okay, artifact city.
No, classic collectibles.
And potentially dangerous.
You go talk to the owner, I'm going to do some research.
Welcome to Hairy Tarantula, how can I Hey, I know you.
Agent Bering.
Hot.
What can I do you for? Earlier today, you were praising vigilantes.
Are you aware that someone in town is dressing up as a superhero and taking the law into their own hands? Finally, someone's nutting up and showing the cops how it's done.
Yeah, well, people are getting hurt.
Yeah, who? Scum of the Earth? "Boo-fracking-hoo.
" Who's this guy dressed up as, so I can order more of that? Do you keep records of your customers' purchases? Yeah.
I got a pull list.
Why? I'm going to need the names of anyone who's ever bought Iron Shadow merchandise.
I like a woman who gives orders.
Just get me the list.
Hey, so, is Brutus Beefcake our man? He wishes.
Did you find anything? I sure did.
Issue 112.
"The government orders all superheroes "to reveal their secret identities, but the Iron Shadow "removes his mask for no man.
So the Feds send out" I meant, with our case.
Oh.
No.
Mmm.
So what's with the whole underwear on the outside thing? They're called trunks.
Okay.
I just never pegged you for such a What are they called, fan boys? Yeah, well, my sister got me hooked on comics after my dad died.
She thought it would be a good escape for me.
I've got every issue of the legendary Iron Shadow, except for number 46.
It's my white whale.
Of course, if my stuff never comes I'll have to rebuild my collection from scratch.
It'll come.
"There's only two types of Parasites and cowards.
" Best mantra ever.
Pete, I heard that today in the coffee shop.
What? I'll trade you for your phone number.
No.
Here, Sheldon said he lost his clothes, his computer and his collection.
Good work, chum.
To the Batmobile.
It's just a rental.
No, no, no, you're not the one doing this.
Not doing what, Arthur? Artie, not doing what? Nothing.
Nothing did anything.
Artie, if there's something wrong with the Warehouse, you should tell us.
All right, enough.
Enough.
MacPherson.
I saw him.
MacPherson? Where? The first time, by the Escher Vault.
Shut up.
So, first he blows up the Warehouse, then he dies in it, now he's haunting it? Dude, go into the light already.
Ghosts don't exist, they're just a manifestation of a temporal But the dead can rise again.
Oh, God, that vampire meme is so aught-nine.
Artie, are you sure this isn't just a manifestation of your own guilt? No, no, no, no.
I have no guilt.
I tried to save his life.
He didn't want to be saved.
No, no, no, this is something else.
The accumulation of energy within the Warehouse combined with See if we have this Combined with MacPherson's psychic residue may have triggered an artifact in the vicinity of the Escher Vault that projected an apparition.
Allons-y! Rasputin's prayer rope.
Would you do the honors? Yeah.
You think I'm the Iron Shadow? I work in a coffee shop.
By day, maybe.
But by night, you're using a power that's beyond your comprehension.
And maybe even beyond your control.
Yeah, look, I get it, man, okay? It makes you feel powerful, like you've just gone from a 98-pound weakling to a bad-ass overnight.
But every artifact has a downside and people will get hurt.
Yeah, the bad guys.
Or somebody that you care about.
Like, Loretta.
You stay away from her! She doesn't know anything about this.
They attacked me.
In my own home.
You have no idea what that is like.
Actually, we kind of do.
Sheldon, please, just give us the artifact.
Okay.
I guess I knew it was a bad idea.
I'll just get it.
It's in there.
Wow! What the hell? Sheldon! God, don't superheroes ever use stairs? Ooh, "Spidey sense" tingling.
Uh, Pete, just how powerful is this Iron Shadow? You mean, like, in a fight with the Hulk, who would win? Okay, sure.
The Hulk by a mile, why? Um Yeah.
I will save this city.
I will make it safe for her, and no one is going to stop me.
Oh, God.
This is your one warning, get out of my city.
Wow! Wow? This isn't a comic book, Pete.
I mean did you see his hand tremors? Neurological damage could be a side effect of molecular alteration.
Okay.
So Sheldon's bulletproof one minute, and then able to leap tall buildings in a single bound the next because Because he's altering his density.
With what? So this is some kind of Super-Gooer? This scrubber mollifies psychically triggered artifacts by really getting down into those pesky, hard-to-reach pores.
So, that's how Rasputin survived all those assassination attempts.
Survived? No, no, no, they got him on the very first try.
No, the Romanovs needed their enemies, the Bolsheviks, for example, to believe that the Mad Monk cheated death over and over again.
So, what they did was, they resurrected Rasputin by using this prayer rope.
Did not get rid of the Bolsheviks, so birth of communism I hate this course.
Sorry.
So anyway, a good scrubbing should get rid of MacPherson.
Okay.
Okay.
This house is clean.
James? Do svidanya.
Ladies, as you were.
Okay.
Of all the people you could have turned into, you picked me.
I know, I guess you were under some kind of weird spell or something, but I can't help feeling betrayed because I almost lost the only real family I've ever had because you decided to pick me.
I didn't pick you.
Can't you see what MacPherson has done? He's turned us all against each other.
Artie? Artie's paranoid, and you're suspicious.
Without trust, we're all vulnerable.
And by the way, you're not the only one who almost lost her family.
Hey Claudia, I want to run a theory by you.
You busy? No.
No.
No.
I'm good to go.
You can't get rid of me that easily, Arthur.
I will not let you win.
Gold star on the density-altering.
I ran it by Grumpzilla, he pointed me to three items: Samson's jawbone, Babe Ruth's bat and Bruce Lee's punching bag.
But they're all here in the Warehouse.
What about belts? Are there any belts? Belts? Why belts? Well, the Iron Shadow's belt is made of an indestructible metal that harnesses his chakra energy.
Ding, ding, ding, there is in fact a belt that alters density and gives the wearer super strength.
Well, do we have it? Alas, Jacob Kurtzberg's belt is not currently in stock.
Jacob who? Kurtzberg, AKA Jack "The King" Kirby.
He created Comic book stuff.
Okay, got it.
So if Kirby's belt is the artifact, how do we counter it? Artie had me categorizing some old DARPA GAK a couple weeks ago.
Those guys were all about supersizing soldiers during the Cold War.
I'll dig in and holler back.
Okay, so Sheldon is unstable and dangerous, plus he already considers us a threat.
Which means we're gonna have to play it by my book and not yours.
So, if I were Lex Luthor, I would go after the man of steel's greatest weakness, which is Kryptonite.
No.
Lois Lane.
Loretta? Sheldon, what are you doing here? Are you okay? Do you feel safer now? You look terrible.
Here, sit down.
Let me get you You didn't answer my question.
I I don't understand.
All I want is for you to feel safe.
Sheldon I always feel safe with you.
Really? You do? Yes.
I have to tell you something.
No, you don't.
I already know.
I can see it in your eyes.
I never could have hoped for someone like you, Loretta.
Not who I was before, but now Now, things are different.
What do you mean? Different how? It's for you, Loretta.
I'm doing this for you.
I'm the Iron Shadow.
Oh, my God.
Sheldon.
Okay, Shadow man, hand it over.
You two again.
Sheldon, we're here to help you.
I don't need your help.
Don't you see the power I have? You have no idea what you're messing with! No, you don't! Here we go again.
What's happening? Sheldon, you have to stop it! I can't! Sheldon, are you all right? Loretta, look out! No! I have to get out of here.
Pete.
Hey.
Is she okay? Yeah, yeah, she'll be fine.
She just She just lost it there for a second.
Sheldon, where's Sheldon? I don't know.
We need to shut him down ASAP.
Please, this isn't his fault.
He's only doing this For you.
He's in love with you.
- Talk to me.
- Good news.
I've got just the gizmo to counter the Iron Shadow's powers.
Yeah, well, the bad news is you're in South Dakota.
Have no fear, Claudia's here.
Nice.
Whoa.
Cozy.
Don't fret, Artie said it was okay.
Well, what he actually said was Go.
Go.
Plus any excuse to get away from Leena.
So what do you got? This.
Absorbs all forms of kinetic energy.
Ooh.
A soldier takes 100 rounds to the chest per second and doesn't break stride.
Thinner than Kevlar, way more resilient.
What? And these puppies.
What? A Claudia Donovan original.
They channel the absorbed energy from the suit and allow the wearer to redirect it.
Irresistible force, say ni-hao to immovable object.
I am going to get to play a superhero in real life.
Awesome! But there's a kink.
The suit's energy-siphoning abilities drain the wearer of all vital fluids, causing paralysis in 60 minutes.
I'm only going to need 60 seconds 'cause I'm going to be all like, bam, bam, pow! And in men, it causes impotence.
Whoa! Here you go, Wonder Woman.
Artie.
He won't leave me alone.
Why can't I make him leave me alone? It's not guilt, it's not artifacts.
I really have no idea what the hell it is.
Maybe you two aren't finished with each other.
Oh, please.
I was finished with James MacPherson 15 years ago.
You parted ways, but you weren't finished.
Artie, he was more than your ex-partner.
He was your friend.
You shared a connection stronger than most people share in their whole life.
And we shared a death.
I think that's what it is, we shared a death.
And we both rose from the ashes.
And We were both brought back.
That's what it is.
We were both brought back.
You think? Let me think.
That's right.
We were both brought back.
If we don't get that belt, those powers Sheldon has could kill him.
Not just him.
Those gravitational waves he's pulling in, he could pancake an entire city block.
That way.
The factory.
What's the factory? Before Sheldon was laid off, he was an automotive engineer.
He just goes there to think.
Sheldon! Is this how you want it? All alone in your fortress of solitude? We can help you.
Help? You already made me hurt Loretta.
I had everything under control until you showed up.
This guy's off the charts.
I know.
We need to call out the big gun.
Come on! Myka! What are you doing? Sheldon, you're not the Iron Shadow.
And we're not sinister government agents trying to stop you, okay? We're the good guys.
And we're trying to help you whether you want us to or not.
I don't want to hurt anyone else.
Then, take my hands.
Pete, come get the belt.
I got it! Myka, use the gauntlets.
Loretta, thank God you're okay.
I'm so sorry.
It's okay.
It's over.
They got the belt.
Belt? What are you talking about? All right, that's troubling.
If it's not the belt, what is it? Help! It's starting again! I can't get them off! Holy underwear! It's the trunks! Loretta, you have to get out of here.
I can't control this anymore.
I won't leave you.
Loretta, come on! Sheldon! We have to go! Claudia, what's happening? His mass keeps increasing.
He's approaching infinite density.
Well, that sucks for him.
It's not just him, man.
If Sheldon collapses in on himself, he's going to take the whole city with him! Collapses in on himself? Like a black hole? Uh-huh.
How do I stop that? You've got to siphon as much of that gravitational energy as possible.
And then, get those trunks off him.
Just be careful.
Your suit might not be able to absorb another round of energy.
We'll just wait for you here.
Oh, thank you.
Okay.
Claudia, what's happening? The suit has absorbed its power.
We got to break the circuit.
We got to get those trunks off of him.
Oy gevalt! Myka! Myka, are you okay? Super.
Is everyone My hero.
I bought a bunch of stuff at a yard sale to replace what I'd lost.
The trunks were mixed in with gym clothes.
Until I put them on, I had no idea they had such great power.
Well, with great power comes great responsibility.
What? Is that like a thing or something? What? Maybe, uh Maybe some identities are best kept secret.
Wait, hold up.
We're just gonna let him go? An artifact took control of him, and he hurt somebody that he loves, these things happen.
I think we can forgive that, don't you? Yeah.
Yeah.
I guess.
Yeah.
And once again, the city is safe! Why is that so funny? That's what they say.
This used to be our house, James.
I never wanted you gone.
I wanted you back.
I miss my partner.
And now, because of this we're connected forever.
Maybe you knew that would happen.
Maybe that's why you put it in my pocket.
Hmm? Hmm? "Hello, Arthur.
If you're reading this, it's probable that I'm gone.
"Do you remember this watch? We used to argue over it.
"I think you should have it.
Good luck, old friend.
"I imagine you're going to need it.
" I suppose we could chat from time to time.
If that's even possible Or not.
Hey, Leena, it could have easily been me.
MacPherson could have stuck the pearl of wisdom in my ear and turned me into his little stooge.
Yes, he could have.
He was a big fat jerk who sucked.
Thank you, Claudia.
Hey, did Myka mention the Yeah, I'm just gonna shelf this and I'll meet you over at the B&B.
Rock on.
Mrs.
Frederic, you told me to let you know if I experienced anything strange.
Come on, just admit it, it was awesome.
You know it was.
Okay, okay, I liked being a superhero, okay? I mean, I got to kick ass, save countless lives, but we kind of do that here, anyway I suppose we do, Odetta.
Oona.
No? Oxana.
It's Ophelia.
Okay? Like from Hamlet, yes, Ophelia.
Let the mocking commence.
Ophelia? Mmm-hmm.
That's kind of beautiful.
Can "Ophelia" boobies? Oh, snap! Okay, so, still no word about your stuff, right? Not a one, my Ophelia.
Nay, not a one.
Well, come, lowly roustabout.
Yes, my darling and all that.
Yes.
Keep going, keep going.
Okay, stop.
One, two, three, ta-da! Surprise! You guys.
- It wasn't us.
- It was all Myka.
Yeah, she totally masterminded it.
Oh, you know, it's just a distraction until your stuff arrives, but just in case it doesn't Then, you can start to rebuild your collection with this.
Issue 46.
What, in mint condition? Do you know how rare this is? Yeah, actually I do.
You have no idea what I had to do to get my hands on that.
This calls for cookies.
Oatmeal scotchies, please, please.
I have to apologize, I've been extremely distracted, and I'm back now.
I'm back 100%.
Yeah, 120%, all right? Give me that.
I'm saving your life.
Okay, I'd be distracted too if a ghost was chasing me.
No, no, no, how many times do I have to articulate this? Ghosts do not exist.
What fools attribute to the phenomena of ghosts actually Oh, my God.
Make it stop.
I'm not an "it.
" I'm someone who's trying to enlighten you.
So do you think this feels more like home now? Nah.
It's better.