Welcome to Flatch (2022) s02e02 Episode Script

1
What's up, guys?
It's Kelly and Shrub, okay?
There's a heat wave going on in
Flatch, and it's hot as balls.
Okay? Literal fire balls.
So we decided to do
a little science experiment.
Harnessing the power of the sun, son!
Do not try this at home.
That was for the lawyers.
Oh, Kelly, Kelly!
Oh, dude!
Oh, my God.
I said science rules!
Okay, that is amazing.
Let me see, let me see, let me see.
- The heat killed my phone.
- No!
- Dude, that was the best one!
- I know, okay?
Do you smell smoke?
Go, go.
Mom! Mom, wake up!
Get out of the house!
So, ever since Barb
kicked Shrub out Nan's house,
he's been crashing with me.
I thought being
roommates would be a blast,
but it is not.
Hey, Kelly, Kelly,
look, look, look, look.
Oh, I pea'd my pants!
Classic.
Right?
Normally, I'd punch him,
but he's so sensitive right now.
I'm trying to be there
for the kid, but
Shrub, Shrub!
They're about to score! No!
He's not making it easy. Let's say that.
Get to the chopper!
- Shrub!
- What?
- Um, Aunt Tina wants you to
- Yeah, Shrub.
Thanks so much. I have ears.
It's so unfair.
Mom's giving me the silent treatment.
It's not my fault my dad's
getting remarried, okay?
Like, I'm just the one that told her.
It's like,
have you ever heard the phrase
"don't shoot the messenger"?
'Cause, obviously, my mom has not.
Kelly won't admit it,
but, you know, she's also very upset
Uncle Bobby's
getting remarried, obviously.
So good thing that I'm here.
Kid needs me.
My new property's
keeping me booked and busy,
but I can't just focus on the flip.
A proactive realtor
is a successful realtor.
Got to keep drumming up future business.
Got my special
"sassy sales gal" hair on.
And
Passing out these
water bottles around town.
Trying to keep people hydrated and
let 'em know that Barb Flatch is back.
I might be on my own now,
but I'm single and ready to shingle.
Ah, it's a realtor joke.
Stay cool, and, remember, Barb Flatch
is here for all your real estate needs.
Who's under here?
Oh, just somebody whose back
I had to shave every other day.
No, no, no, no, no. Just leave it.
Ooh, he's handsome.
Yeah, he knows.
Thank you, Mandy.
You're the only person I knew
who'd have a 50-foot extension cord.
I stay prepared.
In the words of the universe's
greatest girl group,
Destiny's Child,
I'm a survivor.
I'm not a survivalist.
Those people are nuts.
Although I do maintain a small bunker
that has enough smoked deer meat
to last two decades.
And, no, I will not tell you
where it is.
Joe and I have been pretty focused
on our homesteading activities
maybe a little too focused.
We need to make time for each other,
reclaim that romance,
so we're going on a date night.
Dinner at China Wok!
We got to get out of the house.
Yeah, it's my first time away
from the babies,
so I'm just, um
I want to make sure
they're okay in this heat.
Tell me about it.
I have been worried sick
about my new fall pumpkin brew.
I'm gonna bring it inside
just so I can sleep at night.
Why? What does heat do to beer?
Two words bottle bombs.
With enough heat,
each one of these bottles
has the potential to turn
into a flying glass grenade.
Yeah, you should get those inside.
Hey, jee Okay.
Wow.
You know, this might be
the best idea I've ever had.
No one's doing
a gender-reveal ice cream cake.
And it's chic, it's unexpected,
and it's weather-appropriate.
I'll be happy if it's a boy or a girl.
What we really need
is a cake that tells us
if it's a Bengals fan or a Browns fan.
You could just say,
"Thank you for planning
the entire party, Nadine."
Well, if it was up to me,
we'd keep the baby's gender a surprise
till we meet it at the hospital.
Well, it's not up to you, thank gosh.
- Is that my towel?
- No.
Yes, it is. That's my favorite towel,
'cause I took it
from Wacky Water Wet World,
- and they charged me 20 bucks.
- No, dude!
Harassment, harassment!
Dude, I'm naked under here!
Ew! Your bare ass is touching my towel?
Well, how else am I supposed
to absorb the butt sweat?
- You're disgusting, okay?
- Don't.
No wonder Nan fled the country, huh?
No, Nan loved living with me,
and you know that!
I was the only one allowed
to pluck her chin hairs.
Don't you get one more step near me!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Please tell me the towel did not drop.
I think you know the answer
to that question.
Ugh! We cannot come back from this!
Oh, no!
Mm, so the church is the
only place in town with power,
but before we go, we have to
eat everything from the freezer
before it thaws and goes bad.
Mm-hmm.
This one didn't have a label on it,
so Shrub and I made bets
on what's inside.
I guessed spaghetti sauce and
Shrub guessed a taco casserole.
Mm-hmm.
We tried it.
It is definitely neither of them, so
Mmm, yeah, Gordon Ramsay
would definitely spit this out.
But Gordon Shrub-say
will be having seconds.
Um
What?
Uh, Kelly ate it!
Dude, what the hell?
Dude, who cares?
She's already mad at you.
All right, people, listen up.
You need to plug in anything
use this power strip,
this power strip only.
Anything else'll blow out the generator.
First thing I did day one
as Joe's assistant
was make sure the genny was operational.
The second thing I did
was mess around on the organ.
I always wanted to do that.
I need to charge my Kindle.
And I need to trim my beard.
Nobody cares what you look like, Len.
Did your fancy robot book tell you that?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. No, no!
We are not doing
"Lord of the Flies" here.
And there's people in front of you!
So take a number!
Get out of here.
So my mom refused to come,
which is a huge mistake,
'cause when it comes to
everything-is-thawing potlucks,
Flatch understands the assignment.
Look what we have.
Lasagna, mmm,
lasagna as well,
this is probably a fancy soup or
No, that is lasagna.
Kelly, look!
- June's buffalo chicken dip!
- Buffalo chicken dip!
- Save some for the rest of us!
- Get your own, dude!
Pretty much the entire town is here,
which means more competition
for the macaroni salad.
But it also means
there has to be someone here
I can pawn Shrub off on.
Okay, Chantal's in the baby room.
W-why isn't the cake in the freezer?
Because June did that.
Freezer's reserved.
Essential items only.
Well, the cake is essential.
It's for our gender reveal.
If it melts, we'll see if the
M&M's inside are pink or blue,
and it'll ruin the surprise three
days before the party, so
- Let's go.
- Try and move me.
Go ahead.
Oh, I protested a lot in the '70s.
The forced wearing of seat belts,
the Sears Tower,
Evel Knievel's Snake River "jump."
When they canceled "That's Incredible!"
Should we just cut it now?
Get this over with?
No, no, Dylan, I don't want
to get this over with, okay?
I want to have the party
that I spent a month planning.
But since the $200 cake
I bought is melting
I guess we'll just celebrate right now.
So I guess I'm gonna run home
and grab all the party supplies?
Oh, babe, I would love that
so much I love you.
Most of these people weren't
invited in the first place.
I even picked a weekend I knew
Len would be out of town.
Well, a blackout means no China Wok,
so instead,
we are hanging at the church.
All of us.
All right, your chickens
should be okay in here.
Just keep 'em away from my dogs,
'cause chickens freak them out.
Your dogs are here?
You brought a whole-ass farm here
and you surprised I brought my dogs?
No, I'm just surprised
you didn't put 'em
at a four-star hotel in Dayton.
You know what? You get me.
I'm gonna let everyone
try my pumpkin ale
before the heat makes it go bad.
Mandy, you want a taste?
No, I'm not drinking.
I got to stay alert.
Got to watch out for assassins.
Actually, I'd love a beer,
but I heard Joe's beer
is less beer and more lighter fluid.
That being said,
assassins are always a concern.
See?
Blackouts are not ideal,
but what a great way
to re-meet my hometown.
I mean, you guys don't really
know me that well yet,
but I am excellent at a party
Guesting, hosting.
Barb C. Flatch knows how
to bring the fun
in more ways than one.
This is my go bag.
Bert used to do all the heavy lifting
Like, the literal lifting.
I was the only one
doing the emotional labor
in that relationship,
I can promise you that.
Um
now it's, you know, all on me,
which is which is fine,
because it's just
I'm gonna get really ripped.
It's time for a Barb-a-ritas!
Living with Shrub's not going so great?
What? No. It's incredible.
Unrelated what is the word
on your baby's nursery?
Any chance you need a grown man
to break in the crib
for a couple months?
No, I-I think we're good.
I'm actually glad the
gender reveal is happening now.
Nadine was ruthless
with the original guest list,
but this way,
I get to have a friend here.
Yeah, me too.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
I had a system here, Barb.
You jumping the line.
Everyone okayed it
when they heard my motto.
"When life gives you lemons,
make margaritas."
Great motto. Stealing that.
Here's the ice!
This is how you using our ice reserves?
She even brought salt for the rim.
Come on, Mandy.
Let your hair down and your boobs out.
- Live a little, woman.
- Hey, hey.
Since we're in the church,
could we all agree to keep our boobs in?
Aw, party pooper.
Look, trust me.
I don't mind getting loose,
but right now I'm trying to stay alive
and keep the rest of you alive,
too, so take a number.
Eh, it's good to see
some things never change.
Little Mandy still thinks
she knows best.
And famous Barbie Flatch still think
she can do whatever the hell she wants.
Blackout fight! Happens every time.
- Good luck, ladies.
- Oh, no!
- What happened?
- I don't know.
We were talking about my chickens
and then I asked if he'd ever had a pet.
Jojo. He's still in the freezer.
See, people?
This is what I'm talking about.
So Nan gave me Jojo
for my tenth birthday,
and after he died,
I put him in the freezer
to, like, cryogenically preserve him
until technology caught up
and maybe bring him back.
I don't know.
That's probably stupid, though.
No, Shrub, not at all. Pets are special.
They're something
to tend to and care for,
like my chickens or Joe's beer.
And our relationship.
Let's just have our date night
right here right now
Just you and me and all of Flatch.
Let's do it!
- Babe.
- Babe.
Oh, God. Nobody wants to see that, FYI.
Hey.
June reads, like, a bunch
of Princess Diana fanfic.
- Did you know that was a thing?
- No.
Uh, we need to go get Jojo right now.
Like, secret-mission time.
It's not really a secret.
You're talking right in front of me.
I can't okay?
I signed up for baby charades
with Dylan.
No! Please, dude!
I need your help
'cause of the reason.
He's afraid of the dark.
I honestly feel a little bad for him,
'cause, like,
Jojo is all he has left of Nan.
- Fine. Really quick.
- Okay. Let's go.
Hey, here, take these headlamps.
I'ma clone my dogs someday.
- That is so sweet.
- Hey, hey, hey.
I expect those back
in pristine condition.
Yes.
Okay, people!
Hey!
Okay.
Welcome to our gender-reveal party.
So exciting. First up is the baby poll.
I don't talk to pollsters,
census takers,
or red-headed women.
That's not true, Len. You talk to me.
Wait, have you talked to me?
Everyone write down
if you think we're having a boy
or a girl.
Personally, I'm writing "I don't care."
As long as he or she
is healthy, I'm happy.
Great, great, great.
Just choose fast, okay?
We have a lot of activities
to get through
before the rest of this cake melts.
Write it write it down.
Let's go already. You limber?
Loosey-goosey.
Let's go.
- Okay.
- Okay, get on.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Closer.
- Ride the wave.
Right there, right there. Okay, okay.
- Okay. Use your belly.
- Okay.
The lock on this window
has been busted for years.
I would know. I'm the one who busted it.
Oh,. I think Barb must've fixed it.
Oh! Oh, dude.
- I think I just broke the lock.
- And the headlamp.
Mandy's gonna kill you.
Dispose of the evidence.
I'm going in.
Okay.
Oh, my God, it's so dark in here!
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!
Okay, boy got 11 votes, girl got 13.
And one person wrote,
"Sex and gender are two
different things.
"If you want to be accurate,
you should call this
a 'genital-reveal party.'"
- That was me!
- My lady's an academic!
- Whoo!
- MFA, bitch!
Oh, my God.
Lighter fluid.
Everyone, it's time
to pair up for baby charades.
I'm with Barb.
Babe, do you know
the alcohol content in these?
That is a negatory.
- Does it matter?
- Nope!
Getting blackout in the blackout!
Whoo-hoo!
- Oh, it's dark in there.
- Yeah?
- You go.
- I got it.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
It's just a box.
Oh, my God.
There you are.
Oh, and he's still smiling.
"Rock-a-bye Baby"!
"Bringing Up Baby"!
Making a baby!
Ew, Len.
Burping a baby! Patty-cake!
"Baby Shark."
- Making a baby!
- Stop saying that.
Okay, no, no, no.
This is taking way too long.
You guys need to act better.
Ew, stop making out.
Okay, people!
He's here, and we need to get
him to a freezer immediately,
'cause his tail
is getting bendy already.
- Where's June?
- No, no, no, no.
Is that a dead thing? Absolutely not.
No, June, if my cake is not
essential enough
for the freezer,
that thing definitely isn't.
Hey, I'm pretty sure June can
speak for herself, actually.
Oh, my gosh, she can speak. Oh, wow.
- Narc!
- She's right, Shrub.
- There's no room.
- What?
We were doing "Baby Got Back."
No, you weren't! I don't buy it.
Oh! Doesn't talk
to red-headed women, my ass.
No, no, no, no, no.
What in the freezer
is so "essential" anyway?
Len's medication.
- Oh!
- My medication.
Blind Billy's medication.
A lot of people in this town
are on medication.
Yeah, I get it.
You love keeping people alive.
Great. Well, I hope you're happy,
'cause now one of my best
friends of all time is gone forever!
Sorry about your frog.
I'm sorry. I just
I can't take this seriously.
We are having a party
because I'm about to give birth
to a human baby, but, no,
nobody wants to celebrate life!
We just want to cry
about some dead lizard.
- Nadine, why don't you
- No, Shrub.
Nadine is right. We should celebrate.
- Really?
- Yeah.
We got to celebrate Jojo!
- No.
- Yes.
Look around, okay? Think about it.
Jojo already had the raddest life ever,
thanks to you, Shrub.
Remember when we strapped him to the
shoebox and flew him down the stairs?
The lizard luge?
Yeah, he won the silver medal.
Yeah?
And remember when we let him
play Godzilla in our movie?
Yes. And Nan played Kong. Remember that?
Yes, and she hated it, okay?
So think about it.
We're already at a party
A sucky one.
Let's make it amazing, okay?
Let's make it a rager and
give Jojo the best last day
- Ever!
- Yes!
One last rager
for the absolute king of all lizards!
Best date night ever!
I'm at a party ♪
I'm such a bummer ♪
I took some drugs,
and I want to call her ♪
Hi. I don't think
we've officially met yet.
Barb Flatch, here
for all your real estate needs.
Kelly Mallet, lover of free swag.
Cool sticker.
Oh, well, you're the first person
to not try and rip it off
right away, so thanks.
Yeah.
Hey, uh, I think it's really sweet
what you're doing for that kid
with the dead lizard.
It was a total toss-up between
doing Shrub a solid and killing him.
We're living together,
and I want to strangle him.
I hear you, sister.
Welcome to being married.
Ew, no. Um, that is my cousin.
I'm sorry. I know you're new here.
Oh, my God. My bad.
Sorry.
We've had this dream since we were kids
that we'd live
in this baller house together
and we'd have a fireman's pole
connecting our rooms,
five dogs named Steve.
"Steve."
All of them come.
Mm, fireman's pole
is such a homeowner liability.
- Anyway.
- Go on.
Now my old dream
is, like, kind of my nightmare.
I feel bad for wanting him gone.
Kelly, I'm gonna tell you something.
Never live your life worrying
about a man more than yourself.
I did that for 17 years,
and what did it get me?
Uh, do you want me to answer you or
It got me some crap-ass self-esteem
and a permanent burn on my back
from his tanning bed, so
We women have to stick up for ourselves
'cause nobody else will.
Totally, yeah.
Listen
I should probably tell you someone
broke the window lock at your new place.
God, it's always something.
Right?
Bert used to handle all
the repairs at our properties.
Yeah, but you're a lady
standing up for yourself, you know?
You're right.
You're right.
When life gives you lemons,
you learn how to fix a window.
Do you have a cigarette?
Actually, don't answer that.
I don't know why I'm asking
because I don't smoke anymore.
Seriously, do you have a cigarette?
No, um
but I know someone who does.
That guy.
You're an angel.
- Thanks.
- Thank you.
And, hey
good luck with your cousin.
Hey, Kel. Jojo is starting to smell,
so I think it might be time to move on.
- I couldn't agree more.
- Yeah.
And on the topic of moving on,
I think it's time for you to move out.
Uh, wait. You're kicking me out?
Really?
Uh, wow. That, uh
Wow.
Listen, I was just sticking around
because she needed me, but, honestly,
I've been trying to get her
to kick me out for weeks.
Oh, my Get off!
Oh, my God!
Thank God she finally got the hint.
Hey, Mandy.
We're having a lizard burial.
Shovel or pickaxe?
There's got to be a morning after ♪
If we can hold on through the night ♪
We have a chance
to find the sunshine ♪
Let's keep on looking for the light ♪
Oh, can't you see the morning after? ♪
It's waiting right outside the storm ♪
Why don't we cross ♪
Kept a little piece of Jojo.
Um, if a lizard can grow a new tail,
maybe a tail can grow a new lizard.
Blue M&Ms! It's a boy!
- Yes! Yes, thank God!
- Dylan!
Circle of life.