What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s02e02 Episode Script

1
What the
Who the hell gave you permission
to monkey around with
my precious volumes?
I have no idea what
you're talking about.
What has he done now?
He's been monkeying around
with my precious volumes.
No, I haven't been monkey I
haven't touched your books.
Oh, really? Well, explain this.
Shit, he's taken it up a notch.
That's worse than before.
Guillermo, why would
you do such a thing?
I didn't do it. I-I haven't
even been in this room.
I wasn't even here.
Well, you're in there now.
- What's going on?
- It's Gizmo.
He's been causing havoc
in the household.
Ooh.
Look. Look.
"Laszlo sucks," backwards.
Laszlo doesn't suck.
And if he did, he certainly
wouldn't do it backwards.
I didn't write it.
Hmm.
We've got ghosts.
Bullshit.
A ghost is the spirit of
a person who has died,
but still has unfinished business
on this mortal plane.
There's no such thing as ghosts.
Okay, here we go again.
My wife comes from the kind of town
that believes in all this kind
of superstitious nonsense.
She also thinks goblins are real.
Personally, I'm a man of science.
All right, then, Dr. Arsehole,
how does your science
- explain what we just saw?
- Now, you see,
it can be one of two things.
One, a mercurical zephyr.
Two, it's a farrago of gasses,
possibly from a peat bog.
Now, if you capture these
and add them together,
using yellow bile from
a plague victim
you've got what looks like a ghost.
- But it's science.
- Ooh!
Ghosts are
the stuff of fairy tales.
Stories we tell children to frighten out
their excess energy so that they might
- slumber more peacefully.
- Huh.
Did you say something?
I'm sorry, vampires are
real, but ghosts are not?
He's heard too many fairy
stories from Nadja.
No, I actually just want to make sure
we're on the same page.
You know, after years
of working for you,
a known vampire, I have seen
werewolves, necromancers
a zombie and several Babadooks,
but a ghost, that's
where we draw the line.
Several? You saw one Bababook.
- Several Ba
- Don't exaggerate.
Do I believe in ghosts? Uh, no.
Color me skeptical.
Um, though, maybe it's ghosts
that are always stealing
that one sock from the dryer.
I've been experimenting with, uh, humor
to drain energy.
Which reminds me, does anyone here
have any updog?
Updog?
If I didn't know what updog was,
I would at least ask-ask me.
Hey, everybody, look at my
enormous crystal balls.
Maybe these ghosts will
bring with them some updog.
Guillermo, did you get my
joke about my enormous balls?
- I did, Master.
- Silence!
The time is nigh.
Everybody join hands.
Sorry if my hands are a little oily.
It's from my rash cream.
Troubled spirits, draw ye near.
Uncloak yourselves and
reveal to us your forms
on this terrestrial plane.
I beseech you, using the ancient words.
'Eye' tis ka lay
ksenikon e patroion, e
pakouston e foraton e keye,
kath-eye-restho hon-'pear'
apokatharet-eye.
Mm
- Guillermo, did you make a fart?
- No.
I think someone summoned
a breakfast burrito.
Silence!
A spirit is struggling to be heard.
Is it maybe a spirit who's
struggling with IBS?
You have ruined the energy of the séance
with your toilet potty
poo-poo-mouth humor!
And a price will be paid. You fools!
Nadja, we were only joking.
Idiots.
Oh, yes.
Jeff Jesk.
So you are a ghost now, yes?
My Nadja.
For an eternity, I have longed to hear
your sweet, angelic voice
say my name again.
Well, it's only been a few
months since you died,
but that's Thank you, very nice.
I have missed you so.
Sorry, can I just stop you?
It's really weird with you down there.
If you could Sorry, the head.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Put it back on the neck.
- Sorry, it's just
- Right, right, right, right.
- Duh. Ew.
- Ugh.
This is better, huh?
So much better.
- Thanks.
- So, Jesk, what can I
Um, sorry for not taking
you seriously, my darling.
And what do you think about it now?
What do I think about what?
Jesk, say something.
Hey, thanks for cutting my head off.
- Again. You dick.
- Now, now.
He was just doing his husbandly duties.
Who are you talking to, my darling?
Can't you see him?
There's nobody there, my dear.
Are you okay?
- He's sitting right there.
- There's no one there.
- But he's
- I'll, uh,
just go back inside and leave you
to, uh, talking to the air.
Shit.
Nandor!
There's a fucking ghost
on the front lawn.
- What? Not you, too.
- I couldn't believe it myself.
But what mine own eyes have
seen, mine own eyes have seen.
I pretended I couldn't see it,
which will give us the
element of surprise.
- Okay. Okay.
- We must act quickly.
Take the large one.
Yes, good idea.
Yeah, that's better.
Right, where's this fucking ghost?!
Ghost stuff.
Aah! Get ready to swallow my sword!
But it's What the fuck?
Whoa, shit.
That's wild.
- Thank you!
- So, this
You need to keep your
voice down, otherwise
- that thing will hear us.
- I can hear you.
Now look what you've done.
- What is this gloopy shit?
- Huh.
Looks like ectoplasm.
- Is that right?
- I guess so.
- Is there any in my hair?
- Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Guillermo, tissue, please.
- Quite a bit.
- Fucking guy.
That thing needs to be gone.
He's not going to hurt us.
- You're not going to hurt them, right?
- No.
I'm not gonna hurt you guys.
- I'm just here to scare you guys.
- Bollocks.
- Well, we're not scared.
- You should be scared of us.
- Calm down.
- Really?
How about now?
- Been there, done that.
- How about now?
Cut it out!
Would you stop it!?
Pardon me, ghost.
Later, man. It was nice meeting you.
So here's the situation.
Every time my human
ex-lover is reincarnated,
our bodies call to one anothe.
But without a body, he's
all Jesk and no Gregor.
And it stinks.
My unfinished business,
how it torments me.
Please, help me complete it
so I may leave this plane.
Sure. But what, exactly,
do you want me to do?
Just, like, swear that you'll help me
Do what?! No. I don't
have time for this.
My husband is shitting
himself down the road.
All right, all right. I love you.
And a little to the left.
It sort of looks like updog.
These ghosts, what are they?
Humans have bodies.
And within the body resides the spirit.
When the human dies, the
spirit is released.
And that spirit is a ghost!
We are all dead, technically.
You, me and Laszlo.
Each of us died when we became vampires.
Colin Robinson I'm not so sure about.
But the three of us.
Yeah, I'm not positive
what my deal is either,
so I just sort of keep on truckin'.
But what is the point?
If we are technically
dead, like he says,
could ghosts of us exist?
No, but
Huh.
- Hmm.
- Hmm.
Huh
- Not now.
- Shut up.
Hootorektas e-'pay' k-elastero
kath-eye-restho
hon-'pear' hootorektas
e-'pay' k-elastero apokatharet-eye.
Ooh, what the blazes?
- Where am I?
- Bloody hell.
- That looks like me.
- What have you done?
Get off me.
Be quiet.
Laszlo, he's wearing
your old night skirt.
He is. Got nothing underneath
it by the looks of it.
It's like looking in the mirror.
So handsome.
I didn't even know
I had any unfinished
business when I died.
But, as you can see,
I have a ghost,
so there must be something.
Guillermo, can you help
him with that, please?
He seems very agitated and restless.
And also, he doesn't seem
to speak any English.
Excuse me.
I can't believe I've
completely forgotten
how to speak Al Qolnidarese.
My own language. So embarrassing.
Guillermo, what is he saying?
How-how would I know?
I do remember how to say
"Good morning," though.
Aspam
Sob bekher.
Baleh?
Sob bekher.
Yeah, no, that's all I've got.
Aspam oonjahss.
You could have learned
to play the bouzouki,
you could have learned
to play the zither,
you could have warmed six million
flatbreads on hot coals.
You could have done one thousand things
a one thousand times,
but what have you done?
Well, I have some things I've
been planning on getting to.
Maláka! All you do is
sit around this house
with these two dumb men just talking
about their willies and their arseholes.
I wouldn't call them dumb.
- And their farts.
- Whatever.
Enough about me. What about you?
How can I help you finish
your unfinished business?
Oh
You are my unfinished business.
How can I rest until you do something
with your eternal life?
Instead of sitting around here
like a bump on a log's ass.
What? Like, learning
to play the bouzouki?
- That might be a start! Ugh
- Oh
you are absolutely impossible.
I am like
We said exactly the same
We did the same with the words.
Oh, come on.
Hey. I was, uh, just giving
you an update on my, um
unfinished business?
It remains unfinished.
- So, if you have
- All right, not now, Jesk.
Yeah, okay.
Who was that pasty
little piece of hummus?
I'm telling you, don't
even go there, girly.
Nothing but a pain and the heartache.
Sounds like somebody has gone there
and then come back from there.
Well, what can I say?
I'm a ravenous little monster.
We both are. We're very, very horny.
I bagged this chap on a midnight
sojourn to the Lake District.
- Keswick?
- Grasmere, actually.
Grasmere, yeah, I used to
visit a duchess in Grasmere.
- Yes, I remember.
- Yes, of course you do.
Now I am led to believe that
your presence here indicates
some kind of unfinished business
on this terrestrial plane.
- Indeed so.
- Sorry about that, old chap.
- Anything I can help with?
- Well, actually, yes.
I believe you can.
You remember the night you
officially died, I presume?
Oh, I remember it well.
My lovely Nadja came in through
the window, took my life,
thus making me the vampire
you see before you now.
A damn handsome one
at that, I might say.
You're too kind.
Now, you remember the precise
moment Nadja took our life,
I was on the verge of a sexual climax.
Well, here's the thing. I was
on the verge of fulfillment,
yet I couldn't quite finish.
Ah. I see.
You want to finish your
final human orgasm?
Yes. I have tried to finish
myself off with these hands,
but they're ghost hands.
They don't have the necessary stimulus.
Hmm. How irritating.
Yeah, whereas your meat
hands, I'm convinced,
would give me the traction
for full sexual release.
Things are not going so great.
The language barrier is insurmountable.
Een khar asan zabooneh
khodesham yadesh nist.
Khejahlatam khoob chisiyeh.
Evah.
Aspam oonjahss.
You want to learn how to paint?
Nah. Aspam.
Aspam John.
Yes, my horse John.
John.
Yes.
I get it now.
Aspam John.
Areh. Aspam John.
Aspam means "my horse."
John.
John was my closest companion.
Closer than even members
of my own family.
House slaves, concubines,
37 wives.
Sometimes I would feed him nuts
and berries from my own mouth.
He would accompany me everywhere.
On the battlefield,
as I relentlessly slaughtered
thousands of enemies.
And also, he would be there
when I felt a little sad.
John.
We have decided that my ghost
is going to stick around for a while.
Because we're having a
real laugh together.
A very funny hat situation.
Two. One and two.
You know, it is just so nice
to have someone smart to
talk to for a change.
I love Laszlo, I do,
- but it's always
- Of course.
"Ah, darling, I seem
"to have got my crotch stuck
to the taxidermy fox's mouth again.
Whoopsie."
So desperate.
You know? And Nandor is just like,
"Oh, this battle and that battle."
So much toxic masculinity
in the Ottoman Empire.
- Serious. Real problem.
- It is a lot me
sitting there silently,
nodding and smiling politely
and not a lot of plain talk.
Until this one came along.
Oh. Hang on.
Ooh.
You know, that could be perfect.
- Do you like?
- I love.
Okay, so do we need to do any sort
of occult procedure or ceremony or
Ah. It was that easy.
Oh, yes. Yes, this will do nicely.
Oh, shh. Shh, shh.
No more talking. I don't
want the boys to know
that you have taken a new form.
I don't think they would understand.
Hey, Nadja?
My unfinished business, please?
Gregor, please, just fuck
off for real this time.
Listen, will you at least
hear my tales of woe?
I want to tell you about them,
I need to tell you about them.
Jesk, you are very sweet,
but you're not my
responsibility anymore.
Jesk, I think you need to hear this.
You are just a lovely guy that
I took very strong sex with
a few hundred thousand times,
and then my husband cut your head off.
Move on!
So you have been busy
these past 700 years.
So you want me to go?
- Go!
- All right, all right.
Oh, he's so pathetic.
I love it.
Seriously. Call me.
Jesk!
- Mm-hmm.
- See you again soon,
you tasty little honeypot.
Tonne a'otonne-tropon
kathi-restao.
Hon-pear apokatharet-eye.
Yuck.
- Aspam John.
- John.
John?
I have missed you so.
I never thought I would see you again.
John and I were inseparable, but, uh,
eventually, I had to eat him.
My army and myself found
ourselves stranded
with no food.
I ate John.
I wept the entire meal
even though he tasted delicious.
Been a good boy, yes?
John? What is happening?
- Where are they going?
- I think your ghost's
unfinished business is that
he wanted to be reunited
with your guys's horse.
- John.
- John.
Right. And now that
you've reunited them,
they can move on from this
world to the afterlife.
Farewell, John.
Perhaps we will be reunited again
in the hereafter.
Sob bekher.
Yes. Good morning to
you, too, my friend.
Good morning to you both.
Mm
There, there.
Hug?
I think you just need a little updog.
Can we go get some now?
Interesting choice for the walls.
It's not how I would do it.
- Hello, darling.
- Hello, my darling.
- What have you got there?
- Oh
Nothing, really, just a
little dolly I thought might
- cuten up the place.
- What a charming addition.
So, where is your ghost?
Oh, he, uh, he's moved on,
to the next world.
Did you helped him finish
his unfinished business?
- Yes.
- Good.
- I'm gonna show her around.
- Ah, ha, ha.
Ugh, what is all this
sticky stuff?
Oh, it-it's everywhere.
Is it ghost ectoplasm?
Yes, my darling. That's
exactly what it is.
Ghost ectoplasm.
Hon-pear hootorektas e-pay
k-elastero apokatharet-eye.
- Colin.
- Hi, Grandma.
You are such a big boy now.
And even more handsome.
It's probably because
I have so much updog.
What's updog?
Nothing much, dog, what's up with you?
Oh, Colin.
You are such a stitch.
- All right, then.
- So tell me, how is your life?
I have missed so much.
Uh, Grandma, I'm gonna be
honest, I'm pretty busy
right now, so maybe we can
catch up another time.
But there's so much I
want to ask you about.
- Okay, got to go.
- Oh
Later.