Wild West (2002) s02e02 Episode Script
Magical Horses
Oh, l love Trollope.
Don't you? Sorry, sorry.
Oh, yes.
That is so true.
Yes.
Listen.
l'm with you now, totally with you now.
Thank you.
''You should submit to being guided by your elders, Alice.
'' (Farts) You should watch that.
That's not attractive at all.
(Horse whinnies) How peculiar.
They're beautiful.
They're like magical beasts.
Yes, that's just what you said about the Kemp brothers.
- l wonder where they're from.
- North London.
- The horses.
- l don't know.
- What are they doing here? - Dunno.
Just found 'em.
l hereby claim ownership of these horses.
- ls that allowed? - Er, yep.
Under Cornish law, ''He who seeth wild horses first dothowneth them.
'' Yeah.
(Whinnies) Morning, Mary.
Morning, Angela.
Morning, PC Alan.
- Please call me Alan.
- lsn't that your surname? Both.
My mum promised her dad Alan on his deathbed, she'd name her son after him, then, to her horror, she fell in love with my dad, John Alan.
So your name is Alan Alan? lt is.
ln fact, there's a sergeant in Truro called Martin Martin but that's just ridiculous.
- So any news on those horses? - Not yet.
l checked out the circuses.
Gonzos mislaid a midget but have got their horses.
We were imagining they were some mythical creatures spirited in from some magical kingdom.
Well, that would just be speculation at this stage.
- Absolutely not.
- You're looking handsome these days.
- What have you done to yourself? - l split up with my partner, - WPC Smothers, in fact.
- Aw.
Releasing tension round the temples here.
Yeah, and the moustache? Ah, yes, as part of the healing process, l shaved off the moustache for charity.
Oh, how much did you raise? £2.
So did you and Smothers have any kids? Sadly, no.
WPC Smothers doesn't believe in sex before marriage, so l honoured that preference for six long, rather tumescent, years.
Now she's married Sergeant Lindley.
Whore.
Haven't seen you reading before.
No, Mary never approved of me reading when we were an item.
l felt, ''Why should l suffer the effects of passive reading? ''The drowsiness, the total lack of conversation.
'' l just find now l've got so much more me time.
ls that Greenwich ''me'' time? Well, l'd better pursue my enquiries.
l want him.
l want him very badly.
What do horses give you? That's my problem with horses.
Where's the wool? Where's the milk? They won't fetch a stick.
No.
l don't like horses, never have.
You think you get on, you turn round, they've pissed on your shoes.
Mind you, l've had the same with women.
lt's fantastic, them just appearing like that.
Like the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Only one fewer and without the men.
- Or the Apocalypse.
- (Clears throat) lf l may interrupt your heavy drinking (Woman on police radio ) Catch him! Kick him up in the air! Vis-Ã -vis the three horses found this morning.
Still no leads.
l've been taking suggestions on what to do with them.
Yes? - Eat them.
- Thank you.
And my plan of action isto do nothing.
lt's a strategy we're adopting increasingly because it seems to work.
For the time being, they'll be looked after by Old Jake here because he has a field.
You won't just kill them and eat them, will you? Everyone else, keep your eyes and ears peeled.
You know where l am.
- Haven't a clue.
- No.
The police station in Pemp.
Thank you.
So it's not illegal as such to cover yourself in droppings and dance naked in a car wash? Off the top of my head, l'd say no.
- How is the witchcraft centre? - Very special.
- We've just had some virgins' eyelids in.
- Virgins' So, Alan, drink, is it? Lower the inhibitions? No, l must away.
l have a reported UFO over in Penryn.
Last one turned out to be some tinfoil stuck in a tree but you can never be sure.
Harry, l need you to tell me how to reel in a man.
- ls it me? - No.
Good.
Who is it? - lt's a secret.
- Oh.
- lt's PC Alan.
- That's a big mistake, that.
No.
Listen.
l need you to tell me, in simple terms, exactly what a man likes in a woman.
Don't be needlessly smutty in your response.
l'll tell you what we don't like.
- Dirty, slutty women, is it? - No, no, we love them.
Women who don't touch.
Yeah? We like a girl who touches and likes to be touched.
OK.
Where? There's nowhere we don't like to be touched.
Go on, you touch me somewhere.
Go on.
- There, see, l loved that.
- Oh, good.
That's not my favourite place, not by a long chalk.
- No? - That's nearer the bottom.
- Exactly where near your bottom? - My nose is near the bottom of the list.
My bottom's near the top, if l'm honest.
- Right.
- Just below my genitals.
l'm with you.
l'm with you.
Although there is a special place men love that women don't know about.
God, l'm tense and excited.
- Back of the neck.
- No! Yeah, you try that out on Plod, it's as powerful as that thing Spock used to do on Star Trek.
Thank you.
- You know how to catch 'em? - Yeah.
Grew up with horses.
Best way to meet girls when you're 14.
Pony club camp's a total meat market.
You do it, then.
Come back, you bastards! You disgust me! You've got a face like a horse! (Shop bell) Excuse me.
Can you tell me where l might find the mystery horses of St Gweep? Oh, well, you never know when they're going to appear.
l should just hover around the village if l were you.
You know, spending money.
Thank you.
You know, Ange, these horses are doing us a power of good.
There hasn't been this many people in the village since that little kid got stuck down that well.
Well, l say stuckobviously placed.
ls it, Ange? Ange? Oh Where's it gone? Where's it gone? You're going to have stop all this reading.
lt's turning you into a moron.
How dare you! Virginia Woolf put her heart and soul and lungs into this.
Yeah, well, she told a pack of lies.
She made it all up.
She should be prosecuted.
Well, if you'd bothered to read more than page one of Watership Down you would know that when you read, you enter a unique and enchanting world.
You are a shopkeeper.
Why don't you try the unique and enchanting world of shopkeeping? Because it's not unique and it's not enchanting! (Mobile) Harry.
Yeah.
Right.
Oh.
OK.
Jake, that was Mary.
She says they're clamouring to see the mystery horses.
- Hup! - (Neighs) One more! Hup! - Hello, Alan.
- Hello, Mary.
Good.
You've got the poster up there.
Uh What are you doing? Nothing.
Desist.
- Aah-cha! - (Shop bell) Oi! Get off her or l'll call the - Ah.
- She attacked me.
l was trying to be affectionate,.
Oh! She attacked me.
Tragic thing about the police, decent fellas to start off with, tall and pink, Adam's apples jumping up and down, GCSEs to die for.
After a few years, they're pinning a sub-postmistress to her own counter by the face.
You all right? What a total bastard.
Hey, don't you ever say anything like that ever again about PC Alan, OK? lt was just my seduction technique.
lt was a little bit too subtle, that's all.
Sure you want to go out with a copper? Be better off with a security guard.
Similar uniform.
Just as much chance of getting an Alsatian to work with.
Leave it.
Here, Doug, do you supply books? You want to see Jeff about that, really.
What sort of thing are you into? She-males? Orgies? No, no, no, no.
Books.
Proper books with writing.
Oh.
Yeah, er, sorry.
Yeah.
Yeah, l'll bring some in.
- Why? - Ange is a bit off.
She loves books, so l thought she could sell some in here.
Mm.
Shall l tell you about my favourite book? - No.
- Memoirs Of A Cornish Delivery Man.
- Written by? - Me.
- All about? - Me.
- How many pages? - Four and a half.
- Leave now.
- Couldn't put it down.
They do say we've all got book in us, don't they? Jeffrey Archer's was up his bottom, apparently.
Best place for it.
They are magical, ladies and gentlemen.
Look! Magical.
(Jake) Magical smile.
Who's next for the magical experience? There you go.
That was magical, wasn't it? Magical.
Magical smile.
Who's next for the magical experience? There you go.
What l'm saying is the mystery horses of St Gweep aren't mysterious enough.
- No.
- Can we teach them to do something? Like what? Form a pyramid.
No.
l tell you what we could do.
We could spread sensational rumours about them, like, at night, they talk to each otherin Latin.
What are some of those other ones, then, the weeping virgin of what have you? That lndian statuedrips blood? We need something that suggests they have magic powers.
Cheers, mate.
No photos, sorry.
Postcards of the mystery horses are available in the shop and we are working on a board game.
(Mutters kindly) There.
Well, keep your eyes peeled for these special horses that are so special.
Where did they come from? And why? And whence? On white horses, let me ride away Come on, everyone join in.
Horses love this cosit's about horses.
? On white horses, snowy white horses Let me fly away Go on! ? On white horses, let me ride away ? To my world of dreams so far away ? Let me run ? To the sun To a world my heart can understand l've never seen anything like it.
Do-doo-doo-doo-doo Hello, Alan.
Hello.
- What can l do for you? - Er Oh, let's think of something.
Erml'd like to review the security arrangements at the post office? - Good.
Right, well, l have - These are for you.
- What is it? - Cakes, cigarsjumbo peanuts.
- Why? - Just, you know, being friendly.
(Sighs) Love me.
For God's Oh, that's nice.
ls it? l think you should eat more fresh fruit.
Do you like bananas or do you prefer apples? That is between me and my grocer.
- lt's apples, isn't it? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Ooh, that's Oh, don't stop.
Oh, there's plenty more where that came from.
(Footsteps) OK, stop that.
OK.
Just, ermplucking a topic from the lucky dip bag of life what sort of woman do you prefer? Ooh, let me think.
l suppose we men all love a sexy little blonde waif, if we're honest.
No, you don't.
They're too breakable.
Look at Holly.
Snap in the wind, soon as look at her.
Holly Hunteman.
She is rather super.
That's not a bad idea.
But l am an incurable romantic and l don't want to be cured.
Don't cure me.
Unless l really, you know, go too far.
Oh, l've got a victim support meeting to go to.
They can get quite tearful if l'm late.
l've received complaints regarding the mystery horses of St Gweep.
- Oh? - l don't have my legal books to hand but l believe passing a standard horse off as a unicorn does constitute fraud, if you'd like to tell your friends.
And, oh, your brasserie's showing there, down your front.
A series of diet books from Dobbin Press.
Titles include The Pineapple Diet, The Vodka Diet, The Eat Less Get Thin Diet, - The Seven Day Doughnut Diet.
- No.
Not those either.
Right.
Oh, you'll like these.
The l Don't Understand range from Divvy Books.
These come with a display cabinet you can twirl.
Titles include l Don't Understand Computers, l Don't Understand Fish, - l Don't Understand The Universe.
- Listen.
- l Don't Understand Cycling.
- These aren't books.
- They're book-shaped.
- Books travel through life with you.
- They console you.
They lift you up.
- Yeah.
These won't do that.
Hello, Jakey, got a message for you from PC Alan about ripping off tourists.
l have to say, Jakey, l am as shocked as he is.
lnnocent people coming down here from wealthier parts of the UK, they don't deserve that.
- Your share.
- Cheers.
l'd er, phase out the unicorns, then, if l was you.
- Ermall right.
- Yeah.
- Bring something else in.
- Yup.
l'm surprised no one's claimed those horses, Jake.
Yup.
l've grown very fond of them, you know.
- l know you have.
- lt's a very physical thing.
- ls it? - Sitting on a sweating animal.
- Tell me about it.
- Oh, l'd rather have you or Angela.
Very flattered.
You've both got a lot of horse in you.
And now l'm not flattered.
So how's it going between you and the copper? Oh, it's pretty good, thanks, Jakey.
We're at that stage where l'm a bit this, you know ''Ooh!'' And he's a bit this ''Mm-hm.
'' And l think he's teetering on the edge of this ''Awoo! Awoo!'' - Hello there.
- Hello, PC Alan.
l was in the area.
Thought l'd make a community, drop-in call.
CDlC.
Ha.
There's an example of the police force's overreliance on acronyms.
Or is it OROA, as it's sometimes known? Whatsecurity arrangements have you got in place for your incoming revenue? Erm OK, good.
Hey, a little birdy tells me Mary's very keen on you.
- Really? - Didn't she tell you? Not a word.
Still, l am emerging from a long relationship.
- l'm not sure l'm ready for a new one yet.
- Right.
Except with you.
Do you fancy going out for a meal tomorrow lunch time? OK.
Excellent.
Nice one.
Yup, thanks.
- Can we get any closer? - No, they'll run off.
lt's said, right, that to look into their eyes is to possess the secrets of the universe.
- Wow.
- Can't be bad.
Go for it.
? Where the clouds are made of candyfloss As the day is born Look! ? When the stars are gone ? We'll race to meet the dawn ? So when l can only see the grey ? Of a sad and very lonely day ? That's when l ? Softly sigh On white horses, snowy white horses, let me ride away Knockout! Truly magical! l never cease to be impressed! (Siren) Bollocks.
l'm here with the horses now.
l think somebody better tell me what's going on here.
(Shop bell) Good morning.
Would you like to visit Book Corner? - No.
- Yes, you would.
Come on.
Now, we haven't got any books to sell as such just yet, soso these are mine.
Nowhave you read Dombey And Son? - We are from Norway.
- Shh.
Shh.
Read.
l froze.
l couldn't think of a way of saying no.
What about, ''l'm sorry, PC Alan, but l can't come out for lunch with you ''because my friend Mary has set her heart on you, above all men.
'' - l'll tell him on the date.
- No! That's too late.
You're young and pretty and single.
You'll be married before the clocks go back.
- l don't even think l fancy him.
- That won't stop you, will it? You went out with a dentist with bad teeth.
You hated him but you just gave in because you're weak! l've thought of that, which is why l've brought this.
Urine? Why do people think witchcraft always involves urine? OK.
There's a bit of urine in it.
lt's a potion to render me ugly to all men.
Oh, that won't work, you silly witch! O ye of little faith.
- Needs something with it.
- What? Chanting? Or nudity? No, a Twix.
To take the taste away.
Ooh! That's better.
- Would you like to read some out loud? - No.
Don't make eye contact with her.
Hollywhat about you? Run.
Run, girl.
Run for your life! Aw.
Later.
Read.
- Give me some cover.
- Right.
- (Shouting) - Wait! Andsit.
And read.
- Plastic flowers.
- Thank you.
- Hello.
- Hello.
l'm so glad you came.
l was beginning to wonder if l dreamt it.
We're all looking for someone.
Have you noticed we're all trying to find someone on the whirligig of love and you know what we're doing wrong? - ls there no one on the whirligig? - They're on the whirligig, all right.
Animals.
People are too complicated.
ln the future, nobody will have a girlfriend or a boyfriend but they'll just have a pet they can love and cherish and wash down once a week with a hose.
- Excuse me.
Are you Jake Trethowan? - Yes, l am.
We were told you were looking after our horses.
W-what? - Did you not sleep well last night? - Yes, fine.
- You haven't experimented with Botox? - No.
You haven't removed a foundation garment which has caused everything somehow to lull and sag? No.
l'm Tricky.
l'm finding you strangely unattractive.
- Really? - Yes.
l can't quite put my finger on why but you seemrepellent.
This is terrible butl don't think this is going to work out.
So did you have names for them? Yup.
Spirit, Freedom and Wild Fire.
- Mmm.
- What do you call 'em? Snaggles, Benjy and Justin Timberlake.
Oh.
You must feel horrid.
Daddy's written a cheque out to thank you for looking after them.
Thank you but money can't buy you love.
(Engine starts) Woo-hoo! Hello, cows.
- What are you doing? - l'm devoted and keen.
l haven't burst into tears since 1989.
And, like a lot of women, l'm community spirited and fun.
Oh and l make love like a train.
Oh.
By which, of course, l don't mean that l whistle at random, nor indeed, do l slow down as l approach my destination.
ln fact, quite the reverse.
All right.
Let's give it a try.
- Are you enjoying that? - Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Top book, this.
Brilliant.
Pride And Prejudice.
Oh, yeah, l mean, a lesser writer would have tackled either the pride or the prejudice - but plucky little Cindy Brontë - Jane Austen.
Yeah, thank you.
.
.
she's gone for both of them, ain't she? She's done it very well.
- l'm going to dismantle Book Corner.
- Oh, no, Ange, why? Nobody's really interested.
l thought everybody was having a good time, sitting reading their book and then l had four of them plan a mass breakout.
Aw.
lt's dangerous, passing on your enthusiasm.
lt is, yeah.
(Computer game bleeps) You OK, then? Me going out with PC Alan? Yeah.
Here, he's promised to take us on a raid.
- No! - Yes! - Fantastic! - Yeah! There's one every five years.
That's a good incentive to stay together.
Swap back? No, no, l'mreally getting into this.
Oh, great! (Bleeping) Oh, Mary, shall we.
(Snores lightly) (? Bleeps play Beethoven's Fifth Symphony) Yes, die, you little bastards, die!
Don't you? Sorry, sorry.
Oh, yes.
That is so true.
Yes.
Listen.
l'm with you now, totally with you now.
Thank you.
''You should submit to being guided by your elders, Alice.
'' (Farts) You should watch that.
That's not attractive at all.
(Horse whinnies) How peculiar.
They're beautiful.
They're like magical beasts.
Yes, that's just what you said about the Kemp brothers.
- l wonder where they're from.
- North London.
- The horses.
- l don't know.
- What are they doing here? - Dunno.
Just found 'em.
l hereby claim ownership of these horses.
- ls that allowed? - Er, yep.
Under Cornish law, ''He who seeth wild horses first dothowneth them.
'' Yeah.
(Whinnies) Morning, Mary.
Morning, Angela.
Morning, PC Alan.
- Please call me Alan.
- lsn't that your surname? Both.
My mum promised her dad Alan on his deathbed, she'd name her son after him, then, to her horror, she fell in love with my dad, John Alan.
So your name is Alan Alan? lt is.
ln fact, there's a sergeant in Truro called Martin Martin but that's just ridiculous.
- So any news on those horses? - Not yet.
l checked out the circuses.
Gonzos mislaid a midget but have got their horses.
We were imagining they were some mythical creatures spirited in from some magical kingdom.
Well, that would just be speculation at this stage.
- Absolutely not.
- You're looking handsome these days.
- What have you done to yourself? - l split up with my partner, - WPC Smothers, in fact.
- Aw.
Releasing tension round the temples here.
Yeah, and the moustache? Ah, yes, as part of the healing process, l shaved off the moustache for charity.
Oh, how much did you raise? £2.
So did you and Smothers have any kids? Sadly, no.
WPC Smothers doesn't believe in sex before marriage, so l honoured that preference for six long, rather tumescent, years.
Now she's married Sergeant Lindley.
Whore.
Haven't seen you reading before.
No, Mary never approved of me reading when we were an item.
l felt, ''Why should l suffer the effects of passive reading? ''The drowsiness, the total lack of conversation.
'' l just find now l've got so much more me time.
ls that Greenwich ''me'' time? Well, l'd better pursue my enquiries.
l want him.
l want him very badly.
What do horses give you? That's my problem with horses.
Where's the wool? Where's the milk? They won't fetch a stick.
No.
l don't like horses, never have.
You think you get on, you turn round, they've pissed on your shoes.
Mind you, l've had the same with women.
lt's fantastic, them just appearing like that.
Like the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Only one fewer and without the men.
- Or the Apocalypse.
- (Clears throat) lf l may interrupt your heavy drinking (Woman on police radio ) Catch him! Kick him up in the air! Vis-Ã -vis the three horses found this morning.
Still no leads.
l've been taking suggestions on what to do with them.
Yes? - Eat them.
- Thank you.
And my plan of action isto do nothing.
lt's a strategy we're adopting increasingly because it seems to work.
For the time being, they'll be looked after by Old Jake here because he has a field.
You won't just kill them and eat them, will you? Everyone else, keep your eyes and ears peeled.
You know where l am.
- Haven't a clue.
- No.
The police station in Pemp.
Thank you.
So it's not illegal as such to cover yourself in droppings and dance naked in a car wash? Off the top of my head, l'd say no.
- How is the witchcraft centre? - Very special.
- We've just had some virgins' eyelids in.
- Virgins' So, Alan, drink, is it? Lower the inhibitions? No, l must away.
l have a reported UFO over in Penryn.
Last one turned out to be some tinfoil stuck in a tree but you can never be sure.
Harry, l need you to tell me how to reel in a man.
- ls it me? - No.
Good.
Who is it? - lt's a secret.
- Oh.
- lt's PC Alan.
- That's a big mistake, that.
No.
Listen.
l need you to tell me, in simple terms, exactly what a man likes in a woman.
Don't be needlessly smutty in your response.
l'll tell you what we don't like.
- Dirty, slutty women, is it? - No, no, we love them.
Women who don't touch.
Yeah? We like a girl who touches and likes to be touched.
OK.
Where? There's nowhere we don't like to be touched.
Go on, you touch me somewhere.
Go on.
- There, see, l loved that.
- Oh, good.
That's not my favourite place, not by a long chalk.
- No? - That's nearer the bottom.
- Exactly where near your bottom? - My nose is near the bottom of the list.
My bottom's near the top, if l'm honest.
- Right.
- Just below my genitals.
l'm with you.
l'm with you.
Although there is a special place men love that women don't know about.
God, l'm tense and excited.
- Back of the neck.
- No! Yeah, you try that out on Plod, it's as powerful as that thing Spock used to do on Star Trek.
Thank you.
- You know how to catch 'em? - Yeah.
Grew up with horses.
Best way to meet girls when you're 14.
Pony club camp's a total meat market.
You do it, then.
Come back, you bastards! You disgust me! You've got a face like a horse! (Shop bell) Excuse me.
Can you tell me where l might find the mystery horses of St Gweep? Oh, well, you never know when they're going to appear.
l should just hover around the village if l were you.
You know, spending money.
Thank you.
You know, Ange, these horses are doing us a power of good.
There hasn't been this many people in the village since that little kid got stuck down that well.
Well, l say stuckobviously placed.
ls it, Ange? Ange? Oh Where's it gone? Where's it gone? You're going to have stop all this reading.
lt's turning you into a moron.
How dare you! Virginia Woolf put her heart and soul and lungs into this.
Yeah, well, she told a pack of lies.
She made it all up.
She should be prosecuted.
Well, if you'd bothered to read more than page one of Watership Down you would know that when you read, you enter a unique and enchanting world.
You are a shopkeeper.
Why don't you try the unique and enchanting world of shopkeeping? Because it's not unique and it's not enchanting! (Mobile) Harry.
Yeah.
Right.
Oh.
OK.
Jake, that was Mary.
She says they're clamouring to see the mystery horses.
- Hup! - (Neighs) One more! Hup! - Hello, Alan.
- Hello, Mary.
Good.
You've got the poster up there.
Uh What are you doing? Nothing.
Desist.
- Aah-cha! - (Shop bell) Oi! Get off her or l'll call the - Ah.
- She attacked me.
l was trying to be affectionate,.
Oh! She attacked me.
Tragic thing about the police, decent fellas to start off with, tall and pink, Adam's apples jumping up and down, GCSEs to die for.
After a few years, they're pinning a sub-postmistress to her own counter by the face.
You all right? What a total bastard.
Hey, don't you ever say anything like that ever again about PC Alan, OK? lt was just my seduction technique.
lt was a little bit too subtle, that's all.
Sure you want to go out with a copper? Be better off with a security guard.
Similar uniform.
Just as much chance of getting an Alsatian to work with.
Leave it.
Here, Doug, do you supply books? You want to see Jeff about that, really.
What sort of thing are you into? She-males? Orgies? No, no, no, no.
Books.
Proper books with writing.
Oh.
Yeah, er, sorry.
Yeah.
Yeah, l'll bring some in.
- Why? - Ange is a bit off.
She loves books, so l thought she could sell some in here.
Mm.
Shall l tell you about my favourite book? - No.
- Memoirs Of A Cornish Delivery Man.
- Written by? - Me.
- All about? - Me.
- How many pages? - Four and a half.
- Leave now.
- Couldn't put it down.
They do say we've all got book in us, don't they? Jeffrey Archer's was up his bottom, apparently.
Best place for it.
They are magical, ladies and gentlemen.
Look! Magical.
(Jake) Magical smile.
Who's next for the magical experience? There you go.
That was magical, wasn't it? Magical.
Magical smile.
Who's next for the magical experience? There you go.
What l'm saying is the mystery horses of St Gweep aren't mysterious enough.
- No.
- Can we teach them to do something? Like what? Form a pyramid.
No.
l tell you what we could do.
We could spread sensational rumours about them, like, at night, they talk to each otherin Latin.
What are some of those other ones, then, the weeping virgin of what have you? That lndian statuedrips blood? We need something that suggests they have magic powers.
Cheers, mate.
No photos, sorry.
Postcards of the mystery horses are available in the shop and we are working on a board game.
(Mutters kindly) There.
Well, keep your eyes peeled for these special horses that are so special.
Where did they come from? And why? And whence? On white horses, let me ride away Come on, everyone join in.
Horses love this cosit's about horses.
? On white horses, snowy white horses Let me fly away Go on! ? On white horses, let me ride away ? To my world of dreams so far away ? Let me run ? To the sun To a world my heart can understand l've never seen anything like it.
Do-doo-doo-doo-doo Hello, Alan.
Hello.
- What can l do for you? - Er Oh, let's think of something.
Erml'd like to review the security arrangements at the post office? - Good.
Right, well, l have - These are for you.
- What is it? - Cakes, cigarsjumbo peanuts.
- Why? - Just, you know, being friendly.
(Sighs) Love me.
For God's Oh, that's nice.
ls it? l think you should eat more fresh fruit.
Do you like bananas or do you prefer apples? That is between me and my grocer.
- lt's apples, isn't it? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Ooh, that's Oh, don't stop.
Oh, there's plenty more where that came from.
(Footsteps) OK, stop that.
OK.
Just, ermplucking a topic from the lucky dip bag of life what sort of woman do you prefer? Ooh, let me think.
l suppose we men all love a sexy little blonde waif, if we're honest.
No, you don't.
They're too breakable.
Look at Holly.
Snap in the wind, soon as look at her.
Holly Hunteman.
She is rather super.
That's not a bad idea.
But l am an incurable romantic and l don't want to be cured.
Don't cure me.
Unless l really, you know, go too far.
Oh, l've got a victim support meeting to go to.
They can get quite tearful if l'm late.
l've received complaints regarding the mystery horses of St Gweep.
- Oh? - l don't have my legal books to hand but l believe passing a standard horse off as a unicorn does constitute fraud, if you'd like to tell your friends.
And, oh, your brasserie's showing there, down your front.
A series of diet books from Dobbin Press.
Titles include The Pineapple Diet, The Vodka Diet, The Eat Less Get Thin Diet, - The Seven Day Doughnut Diet.
- No.
Not those either.
Right.
Oh, you'll like these.
The l Don't Understand range from Divvy Books.
These come with a display cabinet you can twirl.
Titles include l Don't Understand Computers, l Don't Understand Fish, - l Don't Understand The Universe.
- Listen.
- l Don't Understand Cycling.
- These aren't books.
- They're book-shaped.
- Books travel through life with you.
- They console you.
They lift you up.
- Yeah.
These won't do that.
Hello, Jakey, got a message for you from PC Alan about ripping off tourists.
l have to say, Jakey, l am as shocked as he is.
lnnocent people coming down here from wealthier parts of the UK, they don't deserve that.
- Your share.
- Cheers.
l'd er, phase out the unicorns, then, if l was you.
- Ermall right.
- Yeah.
- Bring something else in.
- Yup.
l'm surprised no one's claimed those horses, Jake.
Yup.
l've grown very fond of them, you know.
- l know you have.
- lt's a very physical thing.
- ls it? - Sitting on a sweating animal.
- Tell me about it.
- Oh, l'd rather have you or Angela.
Very flattered.
You've both got a lot of horse in you.
And now l'm not flattered.
So how's it going between you and the copper? Oh, it's pretty good, thanks, Jakey.
We're at that stage where l'm a bit this, you know ''Ooh!'' And he's a bit this ''Mm-hm.
'' And l think he's teetering on the edge of this ''Awoo! Awoo!'' - Hello there.
- Hello, PC Alan.
l was in the area.
Thought l'd make a community, drop-in call.
CDlC.
Ha.
There's an example of the police force's overreliance on acronyms.
Or is it OROA, as it's sometimes known? Whatsecurity arrangements have you got in place for your incoming revenue? Erm OK, good.
Hey, a little birdy tells me Mary's very keen on you.
- Really? - Didn't she tell you? Not a word.
Still, l am emerging from a long relationship.
- l'm not sure l'm ready for a new one yet.
- Right.
Except with you.
Do you fancy going out for a meal tomorrow lunch time? OK.
Excellent.
Nice one.
Yup, thanks.
- Can we get any closer? - No, they'll run off.
lt's said, right, that to look into their eyes is to possess the secrets of the universe.
- Wow.
- Can't be bad.
Go for it.
? Where the clouds are made of candyfloss As the day is born Look! ? When the stars are gone ? We'll race to meet the dawn ? So when l can only see the grey ? Of a sad and very lonely day ? That's when l ? Softly sigh On white horses, snowy white horses, let me ride away Knockout! Truly magical! l never cease to be impressed! (Siren) Bollocks.
l'm here with the horses now.
l think somebody better tell me what's going on here.
(Shop bell) Good morning.
Would you like to visit Book Corner? - No.
- Yes, you would.
Come on.
Now, we haven't got any books to sell as such just yet, soso these are mine.
Nowhave you read Dombey And Son? - We are from Norway.
- Shh.
Shh.
Read.
l froze.
l couldn't think of a way of saying no.
What about, ''l'm sorry, PC Alan, but l can't come out for lunch with you ''because my friend Mary has set her heart on you, above all men.
'' - l'll tell him on the date.
- No! That's too late.
You're young and pretty and single.
You'll be married before the clocks go back.
- l don't even think l fancy him.
- That won't stop you, will it? You went out with a dentist with bad teeth.
You hated him but you just gave in because you're weak! l've thought of that, which is why l've brought this.
Urine? Why do people think witchcraft always involves urine? OK.
There's a bit of urine in it.
lt's a potion to render me ugly to all men.
Oh, that won't work, you silly witch! O ye of little faith.
- Needs something with it.
- What? Chanting? Or nudity? No, a Twix.
To take the taste away.
Ooh! That's better.
- Would you like to read some out loud? - No.
Don't make eye contact with her.
Hollywhat about you? Run.
Run, girl.
Run for your life! Aw.
Later.
Read.
- Give me some cover.
- Right.
- (Shouting) - Wait! Andsit.
And read.
- Plastic flowers.
- Thank you.
- Hello.
- Hello.
l'm so glad you came.
l was beginning to wonder if l dreamt it.
We're all looking for someone.
Have you noticed we're all trying to find someone on the whirligig of love and you know what we're doing wrong? - ls there no one on the whirligig? - They're on the whirligig, all right.
Animals.
People are too complicated.
ln the future, nobody will have a girlfriend or a boyfriend but they'll just have a pet they can love and cherish and wash down once a week with a hose.
- Excuse me.
Are you Jake Trethowan? - Yes, l am.
We were told you were looking after our horses.
W-what? - Did you not sleep well last night? - Yes, fine.
- You haven't experimented with Botox? - No.
You haven't removed a foundation garment which has caused everything somehow to lull and sag? No.
l'm Tricky.
l'm finding you strangely unattractive.
- Really? - Yes.
l can't quite put my finger on why but you seemrepellent.
This is terrible butl don't think this is going to work out.
So did you have names for them? Yup.
Spirit, Freedom and Wild Fire.
- Mmm.
- What do you call 'em? Snaggles, Benjy and Justin Timberlake.
Oh.
You must feel horrid.
Daddy's written a cheque out to thank you for looking after them.
Thank you but money can't buy you love.
(Engine starts) Woo-hoo! Hello, cows.
- What are you doing? - l'm devoted and keen.
l haven't burst into tears since 1989.
And, like a lot of women, l'm community spirited and fun.
Oh and l make love like a train.
Oh.
By which, of course, l don't mean that l whistle at random, nor indeed, do l slow down as l approach my destination.
ln fact, quite the reverse.
All right.
Let's give it a try.
- Are you enjoying that? - Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Top book, this.
Brilliant.
Pride And Prejudice.
Oh, yeah, l mean, a lesser writer would have tackled either the pride or the prejudice - but plucky little Cindy Brontë - Jane Austen.
Yeah, thank you.
.
.
she's gone for both of them, ain't she? She's done it very well.
- l'm going to dismantle Book Corner.
- Oh, no, Ange, why? Nobody's really interested.
l thought everybody was having a good time, sitting reading their book and then l had four of them plan a mass breakout.
Aw.
lt's dangerous, passing on your enthusiasm.
lt is, yeah.
(Computer game bleeps) You OK, then? Me going out with PC Alan? Yeah.
Here, he's promised to take us on a raid.
- No! - Yes! - Fantastic! - Yeah! There's one every five years.
That's a good incentive to stay together.
Swap back? No, no, l'mreally getting into this.
Oh, great! (Bleeping) Oh, Mary, shall we.
(Snores lightly) (? Bleeps play Beethoven's Fifth Symphony) Yes, die, you little bastards, die!