Wilfred s02e02 Episode Script

S02E02 - Letting Go Sorry! He's not usually like this.
Leash aggression.
Come on, come on.
Ryan! Oh, my God.
It's been a while.
Yeah.
My new job is pretty intense.
Long hours.
I was actually on my way there now, but I wanted to stop by and say hi.
Well uh, yeah, I'm I'm really glad you did.
You want to come in? Yeah.
So, Wilfred's back from Wisconsin, huh? I guess that means Drew Ryan can see clearly now the rain is gone! What's up, bro! Mm, welcome back, Drew.
Good to see you, man.
Did you hear the news? I'm moving to L.
A.
For reals this time! Finally tying the ol' knot-a-roo.
That's great.
Wow.
Well, I can't believe it's been three months since I've seen Wilfred.
Oh, he's going to be so excited.
Wilfred! Wilfy! Guess who's here! Drew-be-do-be-do! What's up, bro! I finally taught Wilfy how to shake.
Hey, buddy.
I brought you your ball.
Drew, have you seen this? Jordy Nelson's high ankle sprain isn't as bad as we thought.
Might even start Sunday.
Thank God.
Nelson really takes the top of the defense.
Uh I don't think he remembers me.
Of course he does.
Just give him a second.
Hey, you want some coffee? Warning, bro.
It's decaf.
All that's allowed these days.
If it means that much to you, Drew.
You can drink whatever you want.
Okay, Wilfy, want to play some catch? Huh? Come on! Hells, yeah! "Catch" is the shit! I'm so glad you stopped by.
I thought maybe you were, I don't know, avoiding me.
Work's been crazy.
Well, I've missed you.
By the way, I'm sure you've noticed I'm not pregnant.
False positive.
Uh, sorry to hear that.
It's okay.
I mean that's why Drew and I got engaged but we're still really excited about the wedding.
Come on! Whip it over here! Let's see that arm, champ! My bad.
My bad.
It's just under the bush over here.
I'm all over it Drew-ish Community Center.
Hey.
I just wanted to say good-bye.
Gotta head to the office.
Listen, I'm sorry you had to witness that squabble in there.
Things have been sort of tense between me and Jenna.
Really? I didn't notice.
Yeah, she was going through my luggage yesterday and she found a bottle of this stuff called Maxtanol.
They're over-the-counter but, turns out, technically, they're kind of steroids.
And I had no idea.
A guy at the gym turned me on to them for maximum core rippage.
Of course, Jenna assumed the worse.
Got it! All right, Wilfy! Bring it back.
Here you go, bro.
Here's the ball.
Right where you wanted it.
All the way back.
Oh.
Right, right, right.
Of course.
Good boy.
Let go.
Let go.
Wilfy, let go! Oh, uh, you wanted the ball.
Right.
Sorry.
I don't know why I do that.
Come on, Wilfred, get your head in the game! Wow, Wilfred seems really into playing catch.
Yeah, I took him to my parents lake house after the accident.
We totally bonded.
Wilfy got in the best shape of his life.
Nothing like a little fresh Wisconsin air to get you back on your feet.
Okay, I got this one! Let's do this! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Aw, shit! Although, let's be honest, he's never going to be a champion.
Oh, Jesus, Drew! I just tripped of over your suitcase for, like, the fifth time this morning! Could you please finish unpacking?! Coming, sweetie! Wilfred, I know you're having trouble remembering who I am, but I hope that, with time I remember you, Ryan.
Memory is like the Packers when they're behind by two touchdowns in the fourth quarter.
It comes back.
So How have you been? Wisconsin was kick-ass.
There's a beautiful lake there.
I took 37 shits in it.
But you always thought Drew was a dick.
Drew picked up the broken bundle of bones I called a body, after that car accident.
He helped create what you see before you.
We've showered together.
I won't say another bad word about him.
I'd appreciate that.
Look, I just, really need you Geez.
They're clearly having problems.
Should I say something? Like what, Ryan? Drew and Jenna are getting married get over it.
Yeah, but, they're only getting married because Jenna thought she was pregnant.
And she only thought that because I switched her pee for that drug test.
Don't you think I need to do the right thing and You know, spending the last few months with Drew, sitting on the couch, watching A-Rodge thread needles, doing chest and back Tuesdays, arms and cardio Thursdays, not having to help solve any deep, emotional problems, it helped me realize this little relationship of ours has been very one-sided.
What do you mean? I mean, you're selfish.
From now on, if you got a problem, figure it out yourself.
Wait, Wilfred, I need you.
Well, I don't need you, Ry-Am Woman, Hear Me Roar.
You're on your own.
Hey, you know, I was thinking rather than ordering in, maybe you an I could grab a bite at Cestone's? Actually, I brought my lunch.
Oh, okay.
You know what, I don't get it.
I've calculated my facial proportions and I am 94% symmetrical.
Which, according to the index, is borderline hot.
And I dressed up this boring old lab coat with the quirky Japanese robot pin, so you know I'm fun.
And everyone in the office already knows - I am a total sex addict.
- What? And see, I have this edgy sense of humor which sometimes crosses the line like right now, for instance.
Oh, God, you totally have a girlfriend, don't you? Uh, not exactly.
Look, Amanda, you seem great.
Ooh, this is awkward.
You know, I'm just going to go have sex with whoever's in the men's room.
Well, there's that edgy sense of humor again, so good stuff.
Hey.
Hey.
I like the suit.
You look nice.
You, too.
What? My mustard-stained sweatpants? Mustard stains are the new black.
You okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm just Relationships can be, uh, tough.
You could always call it off.
Call what off? My eight-year relationship? It was a joke.
A bad joke.
I'm sorry.
No, it's my bad.
I don't have much of a sense of humor these days.
I'll see ya.
See ya.
Hey! Small world.
You jog, huh? It's Thursday, Ryan.
I told you, arms and cardio.
So what was up with Drew this morning? I woke up at 6:00 when he slammed the car door and sped off.
Was he pissed off about something? Drew drives hard.
Dude's confident behind the wheel.
Did he and Jenna have another argument? Relax, I'm not asking for advice or anything.
I'm just trying to make small talk.
And I'm just trying to focus on my pace.
Uh, seven minute miles ever heard of 'em? So you think Jenna might Dude, are you still sweating over that? I told you, it's over.
Let it go.
Yeah, but Okay, c-can we just slow down for a second? Why? So we can spend the whole day talking about your problems, you selfish prick? I'm not Dr.
Phil, okay? I'm Dr.
Wilfred.
And I only call myself that when I'm DJ'ing.
What do you want me to say? - I need your help.
- And what about my problems?! You don't think I'm dying inside right now because Drew thinks I'm a loser?! I guess I never thought about it.
If this bromance is going to work, we need to have an equal relationship.
Like those two guys over there.
Those guys? Yeah.
See that one guy? He's scratching the other guy behind the ear.
And the first guy, he's psyched, because he's helping the other guy, who's his friend.
Now, the first guy, he's throwing that ball.
And the other guy, the naked hairy guy, he's running and bringing it back, because that's what bros do for each other.
It goes both ways, R-R-R-Ry-Sharona.
Get in there.
Get in there.
Good.
Get in there.
Get in there.
Tunnel! Come on, up, up.
Stay, stay, stay.
Nice grab, bro.
Hey, cute, pooch.
- What's the breed? - Um, he's uh - Time to stand up.
- I don't really know.
Couldn't even do that for me, eh, Ryan? Keeps you guessin', huh? You have no idea.
Hey, Jellybeans, huh? What's up, bro? Hey, you look good out there.
Let's, on the count of three, both say what we can bench.
One, two, three Hey, you didn't say it.
Oh, oh, what? You're ignoring me now? You're better than me, you beautiful golden-haired prick? Jellybeans has been training all month for the Health Kibble Incredible Dog Challenge.
Kind of a fun thing to do on a Saturday.
Huh, kid? Yeah, that's it! Attaboy.
If I can win this competition, then Drew will finally see me as a champion.
But Jenna would never let Drew enter me into the contest.
He's not allowed to do anything even slightly competitive.
Well, maybe I could sign you up.
I was on the track team in high school.
I could train you.
You'd do that for me? Wait.
What's in it for you? Come on, Wilfred, I'm your friend.
Cut the shit.
You just need me to help you solve your little Jenna dilemma.
Okay, fine.
You're right.
Do we have a deal? Deal.
Weak grip, mate.
Flexbar Hand Exerciser, ever heard of it? What are you doing? Just studying some film from practice.
Listen, I-I was thinking maybe later tonight we could start talking about Jenna Oh, hang on, hang on.
Look at this.
See what I did there? I got super tired, stopped running, and started dry-heaving.
I've got to not do that.
God! Who am I kidding? There's no way I can beat Jellybeans.
I'm never going to be the champion he is.
He's so fast, and strong! He's got the glossy coat of a healthy one-year-old.
And his nose God, his nose gets so wet Don't worry, we'll get you there.
Maybe if we took a break, and talked.
There's only one way I can win this competition.
You need to put a jar of flesh-eating bacteria all over Jellybeans' legs and genitals.
I'm not doing that.
Fine! You don't want to do whatever it takes to help me, - the deal's off! - W Uh, wait, wait, wait.
Wait.
You want to be faster and stronger? What if I could get you Maxtanol? Maxtanol? It's an over-the-counter stimulant.
Drew says that it helps you achieve "maximum core rippage.
" That's just the kind of rippage I need.
No.
No, I can't.
It's against my code of ethics.
Your "code of ethics"? I have a strict policy against taking any drug that's not illegal.
They're never strong enough.
No, if I'm going to win this thing for Drew, I'm going to need the good shit.
- You mean real steroids? - I'm talking about the back-alley shit.
The shit that Kathleen Turner uses.
Think you can handle that, bro? Wilfred, I See, this is how friendships work, Ryan.
I scratch your back, you scratch the area directly above my penis until my leg goes apeshit.
Oh, oh, oh, ask this guy.
He's perfect.
- Can I help you? - Um Yeah.
I was I was wondering You seem like someone that would know where I could get something that would make me, uh stronger? Maybe something that you can't find in a health store? If you're asking me what I think you're asking me, it's illegal.
Really? You're not on steroids? So that's, like, your natural package? Hey, buddy.
Think I know what you're looking for.
Drew is gonna shit! I'm gonna look just like that Kathleen Turner dude.
All right, let's do this.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing? I-I just want steroids.
Yeah, and this is what you're gonna do to get 'em.
You know what? Never mind.
Aw, typical.
Won't even shlob this guy's knob to help a friend get steroids.
You selfish prick.
Fine.
Look, I'll give you money, but I'm not going to do that.
Fine.
And a hug.
A hug? A long hug.
I want it to be tender, like we're sisters at a funeral.
That's really good.
I can feel your heart beating against mine.
Oh, hi! Ryan! This is great, Ryan! Wilfred looks like he's having so much fun.
I'm gonna go give the little fella a pep talk.
Wow.
You guys seem happy.
Things are better.
You know, I think we were both sort of using Wilfred as a way to avoid our issues, but thanks to you, we got some time alone to work things out.
Awesome.
God, Jenna and Drew are even worse than I thought.
It's like they've tricked themselves into believing everything's all right, when it's not.
Ryan, please! I'm trying to focus, here.
It's hard enough with Jelly "The Intimidator" Beans over there, staring me down, trying to get inside my head.
Oh.
We get it, Beans.
We all know you got tasty balls, no need to flaunt it.
Jesus, is there no limit to this guy's arrogance? Next on deck, Wilfred! Shit! That's it, give me the pills.
Very funny, Ryan.
Here we go.
Down the hatch.
Whoa, you're going to take them all at once? Um obviously.
More steroids equals more championishness.
Nah, I'm sorry, I can't let you do this.
What? Why the hell not? Wilfred, read the label.
This stuff can cause liver damage and heart disease.
You're too important to me as a friend.
- You mean ex-friend.
- Fine.
I won't let you do something I know will hurt you.
I'd rather let you go.
You were right.
I am selfish.
Damn right you are.
And I'm going to humiliate myself in front of Drew! Wilfred, you're up! Yay, Wilfy! Ryan, I'm slow and I'm weak.
I can't do this! Yeah, you can.
You just need the proper motivation.
Whoa.
Whoa! What's this about? You know I don't do the leash thing! What's the matter, Wilfred? It's just a little leash.
Screw you, Ryan! What are you looking at, Jellybeans? Huh? You do not want what I'm bringing.
Oh, you want some too? Let me see your papers, you filthy immigrant! Let go! Let go! Let go! Oh, no, he's not gonna win.
Ah! No, no, no, no, no! Jellybeans! Wilfred, no! Sorry.
I blocked off my whole weekend on my calendar for your wedding.
It's gonna be awesome.
That really means a lot to us, Ryan.
Dude, check it out.
Wilfred's all proud of himself.
That's hilarious.
Hilarious? You see what it says there? "Participant.
" You think they give one of those to every dog who takes part in the competition? They need to give you the award for the silliest dog, Wilfy.
Come on, babe.
We'll see you at the car.
All right you upheld your end of the bargain, now it's my turn.
You want to know how to deal with your little Jenna/Drew situation? Plant that in Drew's luggage.
Jenna will find it, throw a fit, and call off her engagement with that unloving, emotionless monster.
Let it go, Wilfred.
But we showered together.
So when I saw her in the break room, I asked her out to dinner.
She said yes.
Really? - The girl from your office? - Yeah.
That's great, Ryan! I'm happy for you, dude.
- You okay? - Yeah.
I just got reminded of a pretty intense relationship I haven't thought about in a while.
- Jenna's couch? - Good girl.
The sex was incredible.
But eventually I just got tired of sitting around all day watching TV with her.
The break up was pretty tough on her.