Witless (2016) s02e02 Episode Script

ANTERIORMENTE Tony! This young man, Ian, is an angel.
Well, I don't know about that, Mrs Forrest.
What are you doing?! You're going to get us their address.
There's a mole in the police.
'Leave immediately.
' As soon as we get news about Jackie, we need to get out of here.
That guy could have followed us.
Shit! Disguises.
This guy, he'll be in overnight, right? I had a quick swizz down his chart.
He ain't coming out.
I think we've found a bed for the night.
What's happening? Where am I? Where do you think you are, Scumbo? You shot an innocent woman.
You are in the back of a prison van on the way to Clinky, Rhona.
- What? - Rhona! Rhona! Rhona! Sorry.
Yeah, sorry.
I was - Where are we? - We are in the caravan, remember? Yes, right.
And what it is, is I woke up and this was happening.
Shit! - Do you think it could be the gang? - No.
No, they'd just kill us instantly, not tow us down the middle lane of the motorway at 50mph.
It could be caravan theft.
There's a lot of that around.
Could be on our way to a traveller's site.
Maybe that's not a bad hideout.
Marry 16-year-old boys, clean all day in low-cut tops No, it's just the caravan owner going on a little jaunt.
Balls! Why did we have to break into a caravan? Why don't we just sleep in the park like normal vagrants? I think it's a very positive thing, actually.
How? We are getting a free lift away from Swindon and all that danger.
And we've not had to give a single hand job to a lorry driver.
Yes, to the first bit but, if she finds us in here, then she's going to call the police.
- So what we do? - Well, I guess just sit tight, keep our heads down and, as soon as she stops, run for it.
Please leave your message after the tone.
- All right? - Yeah.
I want you to get all your crew together, everyone you've got selling, get down The Badger at 12 for an audience with the boss man, yeah? - Right, what's going on now? - That's midday.
Not ten past.
Not 20 fucking five past.
Cup of tea Have you heard? Tony Forrest's wife's called in.
He didn't come home last night.
Er, yes, I'm probably only his best friend out everyone here at the station, so who do you think she spoke to? Look, they are having difficulty.
- You happy? - I think he might be our mole.
I would advise you to choose your words incredibly carefully, Wilton.
There's an assassination attempt on our witnesses.
They get a tip-off about a mole on the same night that Boris opens Sergeant Forrest and I are very close friends.
Our dogs get along.
I've been at his house on several Boxing Days.
Now, I'm just going to pretend you didn't just say any of that.
Right, we are on the M4 westbound.
I think we deserve to go on holly-pops after all what we've been through.
Now, Rhona, I know you like rye bread and organic butter but we are camping now, so it's white slice and marge.
Leanne, can you maybe not do that? We are trying to be discreet here.
Stand back.
I'm going to flip a pancake.
The first one is always shit.
How's your bum boy, then? Ian's dead.
Yeah, you fucking heard me right.
Ian's dead.
Down in a car park, middle of fucking nowhere.
Run over like a fucking dog.
So, first off, we are having a whip round! Some of you know Mandy, Ian's fiancee, and his little lad.
Here you are.
200 fucking quid.
Get your hands in your pockets, dig deep.
Now who's going to tell me what happened? What's he doing in a car park in the middle of fucking nowhere? Yes, thank you! Speak! I was with Ian yesterday.
I was with this copper, who gives us information.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
Danny boy, likes a wank.
He gave us the address of those two girls, the ones that saw Mogs.
And Yeah, when I left him, he had gone to the copper, Ian did.
So this fucker's done it, then, has he? And these witnesses.
So that's all dealt with, then, is it? - Well - Fuck me! Come on! What? When I got to the flat, I heard a gunshot.
So? - So I hung back.
- Why? You had a gun as well.
You know, assess the situation.
Oh, right, assess! Well, that's good, isn't it? Hey, he was assessing the situation! He hadn't just fucking shit himself! What then? Then an ambulance came and they brought the fat bird out on a stretcher.
Then the two girls came out.
Obviously, I couldn't do it, really, you know what I mean? There's people about.
They gave me a name, though.
Yeah, Charlie Little Pockets.
Charlie Little Pockets? Fuck me! I know that name.
And what about these fucking girls, then? They They went off in the ambulance.
Fucking hell! I followed them, all the way to the hospital.
Come here, you.
Come here! Look at me, look at me! Ian didn't die so you could assess the fucking situation, did he? Leave these fucking girls running around.
Now, this is fucking serious! A man has died, a good man.
So you gotta take out these witnesses.
You see that? - Yeah.
- Yeah? Finish the fucking job! LeanneOMG is not a word.
So that's why it comes up on my predictive text, then, is it? We're slowing down.
We're slowing down! That's nine points to me.
Yes, we are.
We're pulling into services.
Is it a Welcome Break? Cos they're my favourite.
Right, put that away.
Get ready, let's go! I think we got away with it.
Mrs Ambrose is cheating on Mr Ambrose! I'm sorry, but that is disgusting, actually.
Come on.
I'm glad I cleaned her out of her pancake mix now.
We're going to have a proper big send-off for Ian, do it right, send his kid to Disney World.
The Florida one, eh - not the fucking Euro bollocks.
Apart from that, business as usual.
One part of you is going to be running things.
Now, is there anything else I need to know before I go upstairs and fuck my missus? No? I killed a grass.
- What? - Nothing.
What did you just say, son? It's just, uh, this lad I worked with.
He knows him.
He was going to speak to the police.
So I shot him.
He's dead.
Fucking hell.
And who's told you to do that, then, son? Because I certainly fucking didn't.
I just thought, you know can't have grasses.
Stand up.
Stand up! Get your pants down.
What? Get your fucking pants down.
Underpants.
Come on.
Let 'em fucking see.
Come here.
Now, those are a pair of fucking bollocks.
He's got them.
You haven't.
No, no, don't hide them, son.
Let them see.
Clap.
Give his balls a round of a-fucking-pplause.
Come on! Clap! Fucking well done, son.
- Here, what kind of crisps do you like? - Uh, Quavers.
Quavers! Give him some Quavers.
Give him the whole box, you fucking tight bastard! Come on.
Fucking good work, son.
Fucking nice one! You could learn from him.
I should have given the fucking address to him.
Well done, mate.
You can pull them up now, mate.
Sowhat now? Could we just live here for a bit? - What, in the services? - Yeah.
Like Tom Hanks in that film.
Or that guy that I went out with when I was 17.
God, he was mature! I want to find a phone box, call the hospital, - see if there's any news about Jackie.
- Yeah, good idea.
And then we need a plan, figure out how we get ourselves out of this.
At least we've still got the gun.
Shit! Shit, I can't find the keys! Oh, my God! - Oh, my God! Is it that one? - Yes! Yes! Open that coke for me, will you? - OK - Put it in! I can't! Oh, my God, It's the wrong key! - Hurry up! - I'm trying! Yes! OK They haven't a clue, these two.
Closer! I believe in you.
I believe in you.
Just jump.
- Just jump.
You can skip.
- Wait, wait, wait! Wait, wait! - Come on.
- God! - Oh, my God.
- Shit, shit, shit! - Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Whoa! Sorry! Not to be helped, not to be helped.
Thank God.
And we're back on the motorway.
Right How about another bacon sarnie? And since I'll have then cooked twice, maybe somebody would like to do the washing up? Leanne! So then, mate, you got rid of the body properly, then, yeah? Yeah, of course.
Top.
What do you mean, properly? Well, it's like the stuff you've got to do afterwards, isn't it? Just, like, the basic stuff.
YeahI know.
Right.
Soyou burnt all the fingers, then? You know, the fingerprints? You've got to get them off cos that's just standard procedure.
And then, obviously, you must have bashed the teeth in? You know, dental records and that You did do that, didn't you? And, obviously, the big one is you've got to get the spunk out.
What? The spunk.
You've got to get the spunk out the bollocks.
You know, it's just DNA, isn't it? Apparently, if you don't get the spunk out within 48 hours, then I can't stop thinking about Jackie.
God, I hope she's OK.
Do you want me to read you your horoscope? No, that stuff's bollocks.
I believe Russell Grant is a wise man.
I believe Russell Grant is a holy man.
Aquarius.
Jupiter in your orbit makes this week an ideal time for frank exchanges with loved ones and baking.
- Leanne, this isn't even this week's.
- Isn't it? - What's the date? - The 21st.
Is it? - Wilton.
- 'Hello, Detective Wilton? 'This is Mrs Pugh, Gareth's mum.
' Oh, yeah, hello, Mrs Pugh.
'It's probably nothing, really, but Gareth didn't come home last night.
'And it's not like him.
He'd send me a text at least.
'He's a good boy.
It's probably nothing.
'He'll probably walk through the front door in ten minutes 'wanting a Cheestring.
' No, you absolutely did the right thing in calling, Mrs Pugh.
Though I'm sure, as you say, it's nothing.
Leave it with me and I'll see what we can do.
Right.
Gareth Pugh's gone missing.
Who's that? The boy I brought in yesterday.
The one I wanted surveillance on.
His mother's just called in.
Oh, crawl out of your arse, Wilton! You drag the poor boy in the station, you put the frighteners on him - I'm not surprised he's done a runner.
This has something to do with the Whelan gang, and we need officers out there, searching for him.
we could be looking for a body here.
Oh! Bravo, Wilton! Hollywood beckons! He's been missing, what? Ten hours! It's just another missing teenager in Bristol.
It'll be shit.
Believe it or not, someone has to pay for all this, you know? You know who it is, don't you? That much maligned endangered species, the UK taxpayer! Hey, Claire.
While I've got you how do you feel about Italian food? What? There's this new place opened up near me.
I've got a voucher.
Wondered if you'd might like to try it tonight? What? No! Did you seriously just ask me out on a date? No.
No! No, not a date.
What, then? All it is is I'm spending a bit of time approaching everyone in the station, just trying to get to know everyone a little bit better, that'sthat's all it is.
Well, have you asked anyone else? Spanish Inquisition! No, not yet, butbut I will be.
I like Italian food.
Great.
Do you want tocome for dinner tonight? Yes, please.
Good.
Good.
You all right in there? Nice.
We've stopped.
Come on, Edie.
I can't wait for the campsite.
I've been stiff as an 'orse since Yarcombe.
Come on.
Shut them curtains, Clement.
Then come and give me a hand with these buttons.
And when you're done, I've got another button you can give me a hand with.
You mean your tuppence? Your wish is my command, madam.
I am your faithful steed.
Hurry up and get those cords off! I want you inside me.
OK.
Hello! I just thought I would stop that, for all our sakes, and say hello.
Sorry.
We're in your caravan.
- Who the hell are you?! - Please! We're old-age pensioners.
- I'm calling the police, Edie.
- No! Wait! Wait, wait.
Don't.
Leanne, who are we, and what do we want? Well you're Mrs Ambrose, I presume? Yes.
You don't have to answer their questions, Edie! Wife of Mr Ambrose? Currently in an induced coma at Swindon General? We're his staff nurses.
Yes! And we've grown rather fond of Mr Ambrose.
We call him Grandpops.
We suspected something was going on.
Visits dropping off.
And when you did come you stopped wearing your perfume.
A woman knows.
- I've been weak.
- Yes.
We both have.
Jack wasIS a dear friend of mine.
Christ, we served together! In Little Chef.
Please, don't tell Jack.
It'd kill him.
In combination with the blood clot on his brain.
Oh, look, we understand.
We are not monsters.
Your generation, you lived through the war.
You had rationing.
You ate powdered egg.
Can anyone really blame you if you want to spend the autumn years of your life bumping and grinding your way around Devon? All right.
Maybe we don't have to tell him.
Maybe we could come to some sort of arrangement.
Such as? Call it 40 quid each and a lift back to Taunton.
Conservative estimates say there could be as many as 40 billion earthlike planets out there.
And now they're all coming out and saying, "Oh, you know, I believe there is life.
" Scientists.
Brian May.
Taste that.
Fennel.
No, I'm good, thanks.
Right, if aliens had never been here, John, explain to me the pyramids.
Now, I've been to Egypt - Sharm El Sheikh - and I've met the Egyptians.
John, they haven't got it in them.
I will have I will have, I will have I will have thecheesecake! Just the bill.
Two spoons.
I'll tell you this for nothing.
When they come back - and it is a "when", not an "if" - I will go straight upstairs and I will top myself .
.
even if they do come in so-called peace.
It's not just the prospect of warfare with a superior species.
John, it's germs.
They will be carrying diseases which our immune systems, through no fault of their own, can't cope with.
Uh, hello, yes.
I hope I'm through to the right department now.
I'm calling about myauntie, Jackie.
She was brought in as an emergency patient yesterday.
Yes, that's her.
Really? Oh, my God.
Jesus Christ! Thank you! She's even sitting up in bed now, talking.
Why can't I have a fucking fag if I want one?! It's a free fucking country, innit? That's wonderful.
Thank you.
Thank you so much! I'm not a murderer.
I'm not a murderer! Sorry.
Have a good night.
Jackie's OK.
The operation was a success.
She's sat up in bed, and smoking, and calling them twats and everything! - Oh, that's great! - I'm not a murderer.
Oh, I'm so proud of you, Rhones! Come on, what did you get me? Give me the good shit.
Pesto and halloumi wrap - is that mine? - Hang on.
Let me - What was that? - It's nothing.
- Is that a Mint Aero? - No.
Are you trying to keep a Mint Aero to yourself? No.
Oh, fuck.
NO PRÓXIMO EPISÓDIO I want to ask you a few questions.
About those two girls.
I do know something.
This is, like, cconfidential, right? - Put the gun down.
- Leanne, shut up.
Gav didn't come home on Saturday night.
He hasn't been seen since.
Do you know anything about that? There'ssomething else.
Leannetell him.