Yonderland (2013) s02e02 Episode Script

1 Hello? You are Debbie, yes? Debbie of Maddox? The "of" is optional.
Oh! I am so pleased to see you! I've been in here so long, my cramps have got cramps.
But I suppose if you spend years in a box You've been in there for years? What?! How many years?! I don't know.
34 years, six days and eight minutes Oh, and three months.
34 years? 34 years?! Are you serious?! It seemed like less.
But also much more.
Oh, how I've dreamed of this day.
Though in my dream you are like a buffalo, but with wings, and I say "my name is Babbas" and I show you the message - oh, that's it! I have a message for you.
Where shall I set it up? Set up what? My projector.
Debs? Did you call? I'm on the phone Bye Sue? Look, I can't do this now.
Can it wait till tomorrow? What, after 34 years? Are you BLEEP joking? Sorry, I lent on the BLEEP button Oh, no, I did it again! 'Far, far ago, the ancients wrote upon the scrolls 'that dark forces would sweep our realm, 'until only Yonderland remained.
'But they telled also of a saviour, come from a distant world, to save 'us from the shadows, hopefully!' OK, two questions - are we still going to the festival? And, what's this? Not for you, and the festival might have to wait.
What?! He says this is important.
And you trust him?! Cos I don't.
I mean where's he even from? Clearly, he's from Yonderland.
How do you know? People from Birmingham have slightly different hands.
Do you want to hear the message or not? Yes.
No.
You're the one who's always on about my fate.
Now I've been sent a mysterious message from Yonderland, that's been in a box for more than three decades, and you don't want to know what it is? If it means missing Hot Flap on the main stage at 12, no.
Just play it.
Good.
If you are watching this message, then, despite my best efforts, you have become "Debbie of Maddox".
Who is that? What, him? Can't remember.
As such, you must listen very carefully, for this is of utmost importance.
Whatever you do, you must never EVER Aaaaagh! Fire! Fire! My pleasure.
Shall we? Yeah, Look, we won't be long.
Just try and get that fixed, yeah.
Of course.
And stay out of sight.
No problem! If there's one thing history has proved, it's that Babbas can stay in a box.
In fact OK, stay in the box! Always in the box Will I need wellies? No.
You don't know what they are, do you? No idea.
'Husband alert! 'Servers are down so I'm going to come and work from home.
'Lots to do but that doesn't mean I won't have time for some 'boom-chicka-wow-wow' # Are you coming to the Meadowlands # Where your brothers and sisters hold all of their hands? # And feet Are you coming to a special place Sean's Beans beans! Get ya blasted beans! Come on, what are you waiting for? Cavalry?! See, told you, it's great here.
Have a massage or something.
It's all free - VIC passes! Ha! How'd you wangle those? He told them that you Friend of a friend.
Of a friend.
The Chosen One! Oh, my Gods, it's you, you're actually here! Please, rub your scent gland on that? Em I'll sign it for you.
Here you go OK, well, that'll have to do.
Mead! Fizz! Pips! Mead? No, thank you.
All right, suit yourself.
It was lovely to meet you.
Thank you so much! It's weird how stuff like that keeps happening.
Yeah, I don't see what's weird about it.
Dress your wife up like The Chosen One! There you go, mate.
Thank you.
Wear it tonight, yeah? If you must, Gary.
Get your Debbie costumes, Debbie wigs! OK, that's a bit weird.
Oh, no, no no, Can't you read? No refunds, darling.
What? For the wig.
Don't look like one of mine anyway, looks like dry hay.
Is it dry hay? Oh, do you see those? Oh, they're very popular, talking dolls.
Genuine Debbie catchphrases.
I'm The Chowsen One! What a luvvly caake! I would never say that! Well, I'm guessing they wouldn't sell if they just whinged about their kids.
Oh, look! Get your Debbie outfits, perfectly normal behaviour, don't be embarrassed! # We breathe it through our nose And gills! # And touch it with our hands And claw things We dance and we sing Under and over, UNDER AND OVER! .
.
Cause we're in love with everything.
Oh! Kings of Things, everyone! That was so cool guys, utterly cool! Don't forget later on we've got our special guest - Debbie Maddox is going to be here! Oh.
Did I not mention? She'll be telling us how she plans to bring about global peace and an end to all pain and suffering.
That's in half an hour - just before Blue.
But now, it's a proud moment for our beloved local greengrocer, Mr Jack.
Whoo hoo! Yeah - as his lad takes to the stage.
Please welcome, Michael Jack's son! Oh, no.
He's bad.
Let's head backstage! See if we can blag a backrub.
Don't know where he is Oh, murder! There's been a murder! Oh, that is not cool.
And I completely understand your beef, your eminence.
I mean I'd be angry too, if I were in your shoes.
I mean, I'm angry just in my shoes.
My point is my operation here is about far more than just money.
When you're trying to apprehend the Chosen One, there's lots of plates to juggle.
Balls to juggle Then you'll be relieved to hear I've scheduled you for inspection.
I am sending Admiral Anous.
Anous? Coming here? How wonderful.
I've always been such a fan of his work.
Really? Cos you always said he was an utter Role model! Yes.
Just out of interest, when is he due to arrive because you know what, I might just pop out to get some nibbles I'm sure you will extend him every courtesy.
I'm not here.
What? Just go about your business as usual.
Right you are.
Neil - what's on the schedule today? We've got: second breakfast, talk about last night's sport, nap Ow! Tour! I should give you the tour.
Shall we? Me first? OK.
Babbas could stretch his legs a little bit.
OK Look! It's Michael Jack's son! Excuse me.
Excuse me.
I only saw him yesterday and he seemed fine.
He didn't say he was going to be murdered.
It's OK, guys - Mountebank's here! Make way for the detective, guys! Oooh! Ahh! Oo-ooh.
Ahhh! So good, man! Ah! The victim is a grown-up or large child, in his late teens to early 80s.
The sole of his right shoe is worn on the in-step, suggesting he likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain, hates geese and will not drive in reverse for religious reasons.
Wow! His left arm bends in the middle, and the condition has spread to the knees, which combined with that cloud, something else and the fact I like those biscuits with the jam in, can mean only one thing! This man is selling poisoned mead and he is the killer! No, I'm not! Is he really the best detective you've got? Even better - he's the only detective we've got.
Wow.
You guys really make things easy for evil overlords.
Well, seems my work here is done, I might grab a beer.
Hang on, excuse me.
I'm not sure that all adds up.
Oh! How many people here have drunk the mead? Oh, yeah.
I'm not.
Me neither.
You see.
And they're not dead.
I have like, a cold? Young lady, clearly you posses some limited intellect and your unqualified conjecture is a charming distraction from the constant churning of my brilliant mind.
But, if we can take this conversation somewhere a little more private - I will explain why my hypothesis is the only possible explanation for this most perplexing of mysteries! I'm a total fraud! Please don't tell anyone! What? It's OK.
Just start from the beginning.
Who are you really? My name is Leslie John Lesley, and I was a fisherman's friend.
Sorry? Y'know - keep them company, make their sandwiches, congratulate them on their yield.
It all began on my birthday I'd been given shore leave, so treated myself to a luncheon.
Nice little bistro on the square - I Forget The Name Voila! Oh, thank you, it was lovely.
'I was settling the outrageous bill when in walked Detective Crichley.
' Ah, Monsieur Detective.
Your usual table 'He had solved many crimes including the Sound of the Baskervilles 'and the Great Brain Robbery.
'But along the way he had made many menemies - 'many enemies, mainly men.
' He-he-he 'I was due back at the docks by one and was reaching for my coat 'when I realised he was in distress, or a very floral jacket, 'either way he was choking.
' 'What happened next is a blur, 'but somehow a tiny chancer ended up snagged on my coat hook.
' Errr He's dead! Who did this? 'He had guilt written all over his face, well the bit you could see.
' How did you do that? 'I knew I'd done nothing but in the moment, I just took their applause.
' Before I knew it, they'd given me his badge.
'Said I had "the gift".
They had me up on their shoulders, parading me through the town! I know what that's like.
Every time I turned up at a crime-scene there was a crowd of them waiting, watching, expecting So how many cases have you "solved"? What are you here for? Smoking.
You? I imprisoned hundreds of innocent people.
Oh! I also smoke.
Oh.
Hundreds you say? Possibly thousands.
No wonder the jails are overcrowded! Ahhhh!! No, no - but it's not funny is it, at the end of the day.
It's serious.
We should probably pardon all those people at some point.
And he can stand down? Sure, yeah Can't see why not.
Thank you very much.
And you'll take over.
Erm Sorry? He can't stand down without a successor, Deb-beh.
I've got two lives as it is! I've got the kids to pick up All right, all right, don't bore us with that! Find someone else to do it then, yeah? And how am I supposed to do that? I'm sure you'll think of something.
Now then, where were we? Lights! Urgh! So here's the second beach we visited - where, once again, as you can see, robes were optional Onto the Staff Quarters.
We do have electric lights if the candles fail And this is the break-out room.
Where staff take their breaks Hello.
And this is the torture room.
Where staff get tortured For taking too many breaks.
Hello.
So, yeah, we're like a well oiled machine - primed and ready to try and catch The Chosen One.
And we're getting pretty good at it.
In fact, no-one has as much experience as we have, trying to catch the Chosen One, so Where are they? Sorry, who? The other demons.
According to my figures there should be Yeah, he got angry and killed FOOT AND MOUTH! '94.
Terrible business.
And these are all that remain? Well, they're all I need.
The cream de la creme.
Don't eat that, Jeff.
I agree.
34 years is too long between snacks.
Dare I venture beyond the box? Hmm Oh! Will wonders never cease?! A box beyond a box! Dare I think outside it.
Well, thank you all for coming.
Just so you know, you were hand-picked Hello.
You were hand-picked from the three people that replied to the advert, so.
No pressure! OK! One victim.
My arm's gone numb One murder weapon.
Imagine I'm inanimate.
But whodunnit? Did it.
Well, if you look closely at all the evidence And eliminate the impossible Oooow! Well, it wasn't suicide.
You should reach the only logical conclusion.
Was it .
.
me? Can we go now? Mess of Egg are on the acoustic stage in ten minutes.
He's alive! Madam, you have wasted my time! Oh, I like him.
Yet another box! But what is beyond? Is there a box beyond a box, beyond a box? If only there were some way to Oh! The sky goes on forever.
Where are the walls? Where is the lid? Where does it end!? Ah! Safe in the box.
Safe in the box.
Safe in the box.
Let's just pick one at random.
Any one of these guys could do just as good a job as me.
Yeah, you see that's kind of the problem.
We need to think of some solutions.
Solar-powered paperclips! I mean - solutions to THIS problem.
And, can we do that back at the festival? Because there is a lovely massage which I'm currently very much not having.
Oi! Who stole my drink?! Cos it was full before.
Was it you? No.
Was it you? I'm a recovering alcoholic.
I am so sorry.
It's OK, just It must've been you! Let's take this outside! No, no.
Bladder's too small.
What did you say? His bladder is the size of a thimble It's true! He would not be able to drink an ale of that scale without several toilet breaks.
So it cannot have been him.
So it could have been anyone else? No, no, no.
There are only a handful of people close enough to have pilfered the beverage in the time he was away.
Go on.
These two are clearly wealthy and have full tankards of ale.
No motive.
This woman is not drinking because she is pregnant.
Who had the chop? I did! And this man has no arms.
Er Which leaves only HER! But she said she didn't do it.
Yes.
And I can explain that too She lied.
I'll pay for it.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? We should get a sandwich.
Bing bong! Minions.
This is your 11 o'clock reminder.
Stay evil - OK? Eh? OK.
In other news Allan Kline passed away in the night.
His body will be fired into space on Tuesday, no flowers.
Raffle tickets! If you want a raffle tick We have news, your darkness! One of our spies has sighted Debbie and is tracking her to The Festival! Yes! Get in! Well done you lot, this is textbook stuff.
Watch what happens now.
I'll send them all off to capture her, bring her back here and we'll take her before old Bossyboobs.
Boots, I meant BOOTS! Um, don't write "boobs", please.
You don't have to write everything I say.
Would you please stop doing that! Why are you still here?! Can I have a raffle ticket? Good evening, Yonderland, we're Blue! The victim's dressing room was restricted to very few, so we are looking for someone who had both access and motive.
Which leads me to you, Mad Donna.
What? Why would I? Last year's poster.
You have top billing.
This year's Bumped for Michael Jack's son.
That proves nothing! Quite right.
And no poison was found in your dressing room Which leads me to think As I suspected Brasenic! Here, you've earned this.
More than I ever did Because I didn't.
I'd better get back.
Elf? You're very knotted.
Tell me about it.
Don't you just love a happy ending? There she is! Grab her! And I don't know what you've been writing in that eeny little book of yours all day long.
But let me tell you this.
I may not play by the rules, I may not tick all your little boxes.
But what matters is results.
And this result speaks for itself.
Yeah.
Uh-oh! Uh-oh.
What? There's no law against it.
You're enjoying this, aren't you? Now, I don't want to worry you Well, you're doing a great job.
We've got a rat! Big one.
Don't worry.
It was too much too soon - I won't be out of my box again in a hurry.
That'd be great.
Just concentrate on fixing that.
The message, whatever it is, is message important.
There.
I'll see you in the morning.
Oh! Oh! What a lovely cake.
Oh BLEEP!