You Rang, M'Lord? (1988) s02e02 Episode Script

1 # From Mayfair to Park Lane # You will hear the same refrain # ln every house again, again You rang m'lord? # Stepping out, on the town # The social whirl goes round and round # The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? # The bunny hug at the Shim-Sham Club # The Charleston at The Ritz # And at the Troc, do the turkey trot # They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits # Saucy flappers in cloche hats # Natty chappies in white spats # The upper set is going bats You rang, m'lord? More hot toast, your Iordship.
Thank you, James.
WiII Poppy take her eIbows off the tabIe and stop sIouching? I've got an awfuI headache, Daddy.
It's your own fauIt.
You shouId get to bed earIy.
- James, get me a bromoseItzer.
- Yes, Miss Poppy.
Breakfast isn't the same without UncIe Teddy.
James, what time did he get away this morning? The honourabIe Edward missed the omnibus.
Mr Stokes summoned a taxi.
He wouId've got there before the hooter.
Oh, good.
I'm insisting he cIocks in with aII the other workers.
A MeIdrum cIocking in! Your father wouId turn in his grave.
If he was to work, he shouId never have gone to Eton.
How's he getting on at the factory? We're trying to show him how it aII works.
He spent one day in testing.
Was that enough? More than enough for the testing department.
After that, I wanted to put him in the motor tyre mouIding section but he didn't Iike the smeII of rubber.
If he doesn't Iike the smeII of rubber, what's he doing in the Union Jack Rubber Company? It's for his own good.
The whoIe idea is to take his mind off servant girIs.
Is it working? Yes, from eight in the morning tiII five at night.
He's ruining the business, of course.
Yesterday, production dropped by 50%.
Is that because you docked tuppence an hour off the men's wages? CertainIy not.
Anyway, they're getting one and fourpence an hour.
Times are very hard.
We've aII got to tighten our beIts.
It was entireIy Teddy's fauIt.
They put him in the boiIer room, the heat made him drowsy and the boiIers went out.
Of course, the rubber went tacky and aII the workers got stuck to each other.
What's he doing now? He's in the wages department.
- Can he add up? - No.
AII he has to do is Iick the wage packets and stick them down.
He can't do too much harm there.
- It's time the boy was married.
- I quite agree.
That's the whoIe idea of this dinner party tonight.
I think he's had just about enough of aII that smeIIy rubber and might be desperate enough to propose to Madge Cartwright.
- That's why I asked her round.
- Who eIse is coming? WeII, um I've invited Lady Agatha.
Oh, yes? - Does Sir RaIph know? - He's away.
Pardon me for interrupting, your Iordship.
A messenger has just deIivered this from 10 Downing Street.
- Thank you, Stokes.
- Number Ten? Who's in residence there now? The Prime Minister, Granny.
- Which one? - StanIey BaIdwin.
Honest Stan.
- Your bromoseItzer, Miss Poppy.
- James.
you're an angeI.
He's coming to dinner tonight! - Did you invite him? - He has a sort of open invitation.
We see a Iot of each other in the Turkish baths.
Who can I invite? Don't invite anybody.
He's Iooking forward to a quiet famiIy dinner.
Discussing the Conservative Party.
How boring.
Cissy, I wiII not have that kind of taIk at the breakfast tabIe.
WiII there be a repIy, m'Iord? - I'II teIephone his secretary.
- M'Iord.
I can't think why he's coming.
Between you and me, I think he wants me to take over that BBC thing.
He and ChurchiII were not happy about the way that chap Reith behaved during the GeneraI Strike.
Daddy, you know absoIuteIy nothing about the wireIess.
What's that got to do with it? You needn't know anything about a thing to run it.
- Now he's going! - Who's going? The man who deIivered the message.
Get on with your work, MabeI.
You'II have Mr TweIvetrees after you.
Yes, Mrs Lipton.
Mrs Lipton, Ivy, pay attention pIease, I have some very important news.
The Prime Minister is coming to dinner.
Oh, mercy! And I've onIy got one bIock of ice.
Does the Prime Minister use a Iot of ice, then? Mr TweIvetrees, does it mean that I'm actuaIIy going to serve the Prime Minister at dinner? Yes.
You must watch your Ps and Qs.
And your Rs.
And your S's and your Ts .
D'you think he'II give me his autograph? Most certainIy not! My oId man says he betrayed the peopIe when he drove the miners back to work.
WeII, he had to.
AII the buses were on strike.
Oh, heIIo! Excuse me, sir, I just checked my pay enveIope and I'm sixpence short.
Oh, what a shame.
I'm afraid the wages cIerk isn't here, he's at the bank.
- WouId you Iike to wait tiII he returns? - Yeah, if you think it's aII right.
Of course it's aII right.
I'm in charge when he's away.
I'II Iet you in.
- WouId you Iike to sit down? - Yeah, if you think it's aII right.
Of course it's aII right.
- This is my brother's factory, you know.
- I know.
- You're an honourabIe, aren't you? - Yes, but don't Iet it bother you.
What do you do? I trim the tyres when they come off the mouId.
Isn't that rather a tough job? Yeah, it is a bit and dirty too.
Damn shame.
Does it make your hands aIIrough? - Yeaha bit.
- Can I see them? If you want to.
Oh, they're aII cIean.
I can smeII soap - carboIic soap.
Yeah.
I had a good wash before I come up here.
Yes, your face is aII shiny and scrubbed.
I have to rub it hard to get the tyre marks off.
- You're beautifuI.
- Oh! Give over! I've heard about you.
BeryI toId me, and Lizzy.
You tried to kiss her behind the extruder.
- Don't go! - I'II come back when the cIerk's here.
I say Oh, hang! (Knock on door) You rang, m'Iord? - Everything aII right for this evening? - Everything's in order, sir.
- Now, Stokes - Sir? - We have a bit of a probIem.
- I'm sorry to hear that, m'Iord.
Remember I toId you Lady Lavender had withdrawn a Iarge sum of cash? I vagueIy recaII you mentioned it, sir.
We think she may have hidden it somewhere in her room.
Is that so, sir? I think you'II agree, it's unwise to have Ioose money Iying about.
It ought to be in the safe.
Why don't you ask her for it? She wouIdn't give it to me, or anyone eIse in the famiIy.
I see, sir.
She seems very fond of Ivy.
She throws her food at her, sir, if that is a gesture of affection.
WeII, if between you, you couId contrive to get the money from her, - I'd be very gratefuI.
- Of course, sir.
How much is invoIved? A very Iarge sum of money indeed, Stokes - £10,000.
(Tongs cIatter) - £10,000? - Yes.
It's ridicuIous to have that amount of money Iying about.
- Anybody couId heIp themseIves.
- Indeed they couId, sir.
- Has anybody counted it? - The bank manager, of course, but she couId've spent some or given some away - you know what she's Iike.
So nobody can be sure how much there is? PreciseIy.
So, we've got to get it, put it in the safe and get it back to the bank.
Leave it to me, sir.
Thank you, Stokes.
You're a good chap.
It's a great comfort to me to have someone I know I can reIy on.
Ivy, you shouId've finished this room 15 minutes ago.
Have you been dawdIing? Oh, no, Mr TweIvetrees, honest I haven't.
I've been taIking to Dad I mean, Mr Stokes.
That is no excuse.
Mr TweIvetrees, I'm ever so worried.
Lady Lavender's keeping thousands of pounds in cash under her bed.
Dad says his Iordship wants me to get it, so it can go in the safe.
What's wrong with that? You must do as his Iordship teIIs you.
But suppose I can't get it? You know what Dad's Iike.
Now he knows it's there, he won't rest untiI he's got his hands on it.
WeII, not aII of it, of course.
Don't you worry, Ivy, if he touches one penny, I shaII denounce him.
But no one knows how much she's got.
Then I shaII keep a very cIose eye on him.
One faIse move and he'II be out and I'II be the butIer here.
You've got that Iook of greed in your eyes, just Iike me dad.
He's greedy for money, you're greedy for power and position.
I can onIy go where the good Iord sends me.
But you want Him to send you to be the butIer.
Sweep up the crumbs, Ivy.
Good afternoon, your Iadyship.
Ah, James, I have to see Lord MeIdrum at once.
Of course.
I shaII inform his Iordship forthwith.
Good afternoon, your Iadyship.
How's the headaches? - Quite aII right, thank you, Ivy.
- Lady Agatha's here, m'Iord.
- Good Iord! Is she aIone? - Yes, sir.
There wasn't anybody that Iooked Iike a private detective in the bushes? Not that I couId see from a brief gIance at the front door, sir.
Right, send her in.
Your Iadyship.
- George.
- Agatha, how very nice to see you.
That'II be aII, James.
- George! - Agatha! - I've missed youmost terribIy.
- I've missed you most terribIy.
- George! - Agatha! (Gasps) Do you want any coffee? No, thank you, Ivy.
- Nice cup of tea? - No, thank you, Ivy.
Oh, weII, I'II Ieave you in peace then.
Yes, do that, Ivy.
George RaIph came back.
Oh.
Is he angry? Furious.
He cut up aII my nightdresses.
I've nothing to wear in bed.
- Say it again.
- I've nothing to wear in bed.
Again! George, pIease, contain yourseIf.
I'm sorry.
Is he stiII going through with the divorce? No, he's forgiven me.
Oh, thank heavens for that.
He hasn't forgiven you.
- He says he Ioves me desperateIy.
- But I Iove you desperateIy.
- He says he can't Iive without me.
- I can't Iive without you.
- And then he started.
- Started what? WeII You know what he's Iike - he sIobbers aII over me and paws me andthings.
Oh, how disgusting! He's insatiabIe, George.
- He just goes on and on.
- Does he? You're so different.
With youit's an event.
I feeI I've achieved something.
Thank you.
George sometimes I wonder with you and me - is it Iove or is it Iust? - I'd say about 50-50.
- That's not enough! Not enough Iove or not enough Iust? Sometimes sometimes I think you've gone off me.
Why do you say that? WeII the first time we went to bed together, - you were so excited you feIt sick.
- Yes, I did.
Do you stiII feeI sick when we go to bed? VioIentIy! Oh, George you're so romantic.
You give me something I've never had before.
We'II be abIe to see each other now he's dropped the divorce.
Oh, don't feeI too secure.
He's out to get you, George.
He says you're incompetent.
You know that's not true.
He's determined to get you off the board and make himseIf the chairman of the Union Jack Rubber Company.
- The swine.
- You must patch it up with him.
I'II bring him to dinner tonight.
Oh, weII, I suppose it'II be aII right.
Who's coming? Just the famiIy and the Prime Minister.
Oh, the Prime Minister - he hates the Prime Minister.
- Is there anyone he doesn't hate? - George, if I put him off, he might start the divorce business again.
- WeII, don't put him off.
- No, exactIy.
Excuse me, sir, Mr Foster has just teIephoned from the factory.
Is it important? Mr Teddy has Iocked himseIf in the accounts office.
Oh, dear.
He'II come out when the whistIe bIows.
I expect he's just suIking.
Sir, as I understand it, he's barricaded himseIf in for his own protection.
The workers are after his bIood.
What on earth for? He has been pressing his attentions on some of the factory girIs.
They've gone on strike and the manager fears for his safety.
Why's Teddy at the factory? I put him there to take his mind off servant girIs.
- ShaII I send for the poIice? - Yes, get them round.
No, George! Think of the pubIicity.
If RaIph hears they're aII on strike because you gave your brother a job, he'II make mincemeat of you at the next board meeting.
I can't Ieave him there.
George, it is your duty to go down to the factory and taIk to the workers.
Yes, of course.
On the other hand, as I'm a Iord and not an ordinary person, I might infIame the situation and they might set about me and then of course they'd be in serious troubIe and have to go to prison and I can't have that happening to my workers.
RaIph wouId be down amongst them Iike a shot.
- He Ioves a scrap.
- Does he? May I make a suggestion, sir? James and I couId go with you and protect you and perhaps I couId have a word with the ringIeaders on your behaIf.
- You think so? - Oh, George, you are brave.
Yes.
AII right, bring the RoIIs round.
That wouId upset the workers even more, sir.
May I suggest we go on the gardener's motorcycIe and sidecar? Here, AIf, conceaI this about your person in case those workers turn ugIy.
Don't worry, Mrs Lipton, the Iads won't touch me, I'm one of them.
WeII, I'm not, I'II have it.
- 'AIIo, what's going on 'ere then? - We're taking his Iordship to the factory.
There's been a spot of bother, they're aII on strike.
On strike? Because his Iordship knocked tuppence an hour off their wages? No, Mr Teddy's Iust's gone on the rampage again.
He's been trying to have his way with the factory girIs and aII the men have come out in sympathy.
Who they in sympathy with? Be quiet, Henry.
WouId his Iordship Iike me to bring my Iads? We'II sort 'em out.
No, ConstabIe, his Iordship wants it settIed quietIy.
- They'II be quiet after we deaI with them.
- We must respect his Iordship's wishes.
He's a most generous empIoyer.
Some of them get one and fourpence an hour.
And stiII they've gone on strike? That's the thanks you get for throwing your money about.
I brought a cushion for his Iordship and a rug to keep him warm.
Perhaps his Iordship wouId prefer to ride on the piIIion.
Mrs Lipton, have you taken Ieave of your senses? You can't have a member of the Lords riding on the piIIion of a motorcycIe.
Where wiII it aII end? Ivy, whiIe we're aII out, Lady Lavender'II be having a nap.
Sneak into her bedroom, get the money and put it under your bed.
- No, Dad.
- Ivy, it's his Iordship's orders.
When we get back, I'II give him the money to put in the safe.
- Is that it? - Yes, sir.
- I thought you'd prefer the sidecar.
- AII right.
Sit on the cushion, your Iordship.
You'II be ever so snug.
I'II tuck you in Iike a great big baby in a pram.
When you're ready to Ieave, I wiII hoId up the traffic for you.
- Your heImet and goggIes, sir.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
You better put it on your knee, your Iordship, it might bIow off.
- What? - BIow off.
What're you taIking about? Oh, I see.
- Good Iuck, George.
- Good Iuck, Daddy.
Yes, good Iuck, Daddy.
Look after him, James.
- Are you ready, your Iordship? - Ready.
Thank you, sir.
Right, hoId the traffic, hoId the traffic.
Right, Stokes, James, we're aII in this together - to the Union Jack Rubber Company! Goodbye.
(AII) Goodbye.
Bye.
- What's the matter, Stokes? - It won't fire, sir.
- You've fIooded it.
- I have not fIooded it.
When you tickIed the carburettor.
I've been tickIing carburettors since you were in short pants.
Are you coming, your Iordship? I've got two cars heId up here and the miIkman.
Excuse me, Mr Stokes.
Now try.
Don't be so cIever.
- Goodbye.
- (AII) Goodbye.
He's coming.
He's coming! Good Iuck.
But I'm hoIding up the traffic out 'ere.
HeIp ma bob, here's his nibs on a bike.
He said times was hard.
(Booing and jeering) M'Iord.
They Iook a pretty desperate bunch.
Don't worry, m'Iord, we're right behind you.
(Booing and jeering) Open the gates, pIease.
His Iordship wishes to pass through.
- (Shouting angriIy) - Oh, 'eck.
Come on, Iads, come on, open up.
Now, we can't sort this out with you on that side and the boss out 'ere.
Now use a bit of sense.
- (Men jeering) - Come on, come on, open it up.
Come on, Iads.
Afternoon.
Good afternoon.
Good afternoon.
I think I'II say a few words - buck 'em up a bit, you see? Now, Iook here (Box coIIapses) This one is firmer, sir.
Thanks.
Now, Iook here, menand, er, girIs.
Some of you have worked here for a Iong time.
(Muttering) I Iook upon you as my famiIy, as my chiIdren.
Oh, yeah? Is that why you're paying us pocket money instead of proper wages? I sent my brother here to work with you, to share his Iife with you And our women! - He tried to take advantage of me.
- And me.
Nonsense, he just has an eye for a pretty girI.
And an 'and.
He was trying to have his way with me.
He was just having a bit of a Iark, he was onIy joshing (AII) Yeah, yeah.
He's aIways Iarking about and joshing, he doesn't mean it.
He doesn't mean any harm.
(AII) Yeah, yeah.
I shouId get down if I was you, sir.
Yes, I think perhaps you're right.
(Jeering) - Do you reaIise who you're taIking to? - (Jeering) How dare you address his Iordship in that tone of voice.
Get out of it.
(Jeering) - Now, Iisten comrades, I'm one of you.
- (Crowd) Yeah.
Let's aII settIe down and get this sorted out.
That's why we're here.
The man you've got Iocked up in that office, the boss's brother, - is a tragic victim of the war.
- Oh, yeah? A Iot of you went through it, you know what I'm taIking about.
But as true as I'm stood here, that man saved my Iife and his.
I thought it was the other way round.
Now, we're gonna go up and taIk to him and then we're gonna come back down and taIk to you.
- AII right? - (MumbIing) - I said aII right? - (AII) Yeah, aII right.
Right, foIIow me, don't Iook at them and don't say anything, aII right? Oh, it's aII right, they're coming up here.
About time too.
BaIIy cheek.
Do you reaIise I haven't had any Iunch? That is the Ieast of our probIems, if I may say so.
No, you may not say so.
That's the troubIe with this pIace - you're aII so damn boIshy.
(Murmuring) Come on, Iads, come on.
Open up, sir, it's us.
Good afternoon.
- (Crowd jeering) - You aII right, Teddy? Where've you been? We rang up hours ago.
My brother's here now.
You just watch, you'II aII be for it.
- You're aII gonna get the baIIy sack! - (Jeering) PIease don't do that again, sir.
We're trying to caIm them down.
Where's my Iunch? - I'm afraid we didn't bring any, sir.
- Oh, reaIIy! How can you think about Iunch at a time Iike this? Because I'm baIIy hungry, that's how.
When I Ieft home, you were aII in bed snoring.
I haven't had anything to eat since breakfast.
AII you think about is yourseIves, aII of you - seIf, seIf, seIf! Sir, it is three o'cIock and the Prime Minister is dining with you at seven, - so the sooner we settIe this the better.
- It is getting urgent.
If the rubber goes coId, it'II not onIy be useIess, we'II have to change aII the conduits - we'II be out of production for a week.
The damage you've done, Teddy! Have I your permission to try and sort this out, m'Iord? Yes, you go ahead.
You did weII downstairs.
What do the workers want? Ah, weII, this is what you might caII the Iast straw.
Lots of oId resentments have bubbIed to the surface.
No, don't knock.
Lady Lav's a Iight sIeeper - you'II wake her up.
I don't want to do it, Henry.
If it's his Iordship's orders, you've got to.
I'm not bothered about taking it, or his Iordship putting it in the safe, it's the bit in the middIe when me dad gets his hands on it that I'm concerned about.
TeII you what - I'II take it and put it under my bed.
You trust me, don't ya? Oh, course I do, Henry.
If we were in a baIIoon together, over shark-infested waters and one of us had to jump out - I'd be the one to go.
WouId you, Henry? With sharks? I can't swim anyway.
- (Parrot) Come in, shut up, come in.
- What do you want? What do you want? I was just Iooking to see if you're aII right.
Oh, I'm gIad you popped in.
She didn't Iike the custard.
That is how it is at the moment, sir.
The workers were in such a mood I couId do nothing with them.
I'II teII you what to do - sack the baIIy Iot, get new ones.
Teddy, I won't teII you again.
May I suggest you keep your voice down, sir, they're just outside.
What're we going to do? Sir, there seems to be two probIems - one, the money and the other, your brother.
Oh, yes, it's me, isn't it? I'm the probIem! You keep your pIace or you'II get the sack as weII.
Shh, Teddy! WouId you promise that Mr Edward wouId never come here again, sir? I didn't want to come in the first pIace.
Yes, I think we couId agree that.
What about the money, sir - the wages cut from one and sixpence to one and fourpence an hour? I couId make it one and fourpence ha'penny.
- I don't think that'II be enough, sir.
- May I urge caution.
The more you give, the more they'II want.
You pay them generousIy as it is.
Try teIIing that to their hungry kids.
- I wiII taIk to them.
- Let me do it, sir.
- No, it's my duty.
Open the hatch.
- Yes, sir.
(Jeering) Pay attention, everybody.
I've been Iistening to your grievances and I'm prepared to make the foIIowing concessions - one, my brother wiII retire from his position on the staff forthwith.
(Cheering) Two, we were compeIIed by hard times to cut your wages from one and sixpence to one and fourpence an hour.
(AII) Yeah.
I am prepared to raise this to one and fourpence ha'penny an hour.
(Jeering) They're animaIs, sir, they won't Iisten to us.
Let me taIk to them, sir.
Yes, go ahead.
In view of the time, I ought to teIephone Ivy and ask her to set the tabIe.
There's yours, ConstabIe.
Come and get yours, MabeI.
Yes, Mrs Lipton.
You haven't done enough sprouts.
Do another coupIe of pounds.
Yes, Mrs Lipton.
They're taking a Iong time at the factory.
I hope the men haven't set about them.
He shouId've Iet me take my Iads down.
We'd have sorted them out with our truncheons.
The workers have every right to go on strike.
- WeII, I've every right to hit 'em.
- (TeIephone) Oh, dear, who can that be at this time? Ivy, you'd better answer the phone.
Yes, Mrs Lipton.
I bet it's bad news.
I've never had good news out of one of them machines.
HeIIo? Oh, heIIo, Mr TweIvetrees.
- It's Mr TweIvetrees.
- It's Mr TweIvetrees.
- Are they aII right? - Are they aII right? - He says they're aII right.
- They're aII right.
Heaven be praised.
Ask if they want me to come round with the boys.
ConstabIe WiIson says, do you want him to come round with the boys? Eh? Oh, he says no, he wants you to set the tabIe.
Eh? Oh! You want me to set the tabIe.
I've never done it on me own before.
Yes, Mr TweIvetrees.
Yes, Mr TweIvetrees.
Mr TweIvetrees, I think you're ever so brave.
He's gone.
It's nearIy four o'cIock.
Whatever time are they going to get back? WeII, supposing they're Iate and the Prime Minister arrives? You'II just have to Iet him in, take his hat and coat and show him into the drawing room.
But who's going to entertain him? I can't entertain him.
I wouIdn't know what to say.
I mean, what do you say to a Prime Minister? He's onIy an ordinary man, Iike me.
I wouIdn't know what to say to you if you was upstairs in the drawing room.
WeII, there you are then.
Perhaps Lady Lavender couId entertain him.
She'd just chuck things at him.
He's a poIitician - he's used to it.
I'd entertain him aII right.
Ivy, you better set the tabIe, Iike Mr TweIvetrees said.
Yes, Mrs Lipton.
- Henry, heIp Ivy.
- Yes, Mrs Lipton.
There's a copper coming down the stairs.
It'II be the sergeant.
Don't forget, you asked me in because you heard a strange noise.
- Yes? - Good afternoon, madam.
- I'm from ScotIand Yard, SpeciaI Branch.
- Oh, yes.
The Prime Minister is due here at seven o'cIock.
- Yes, we know.
- I'II be on duty here tiII he Ieaves.
Oh, er, weII, you'd better come in then.
Sit yourseIf down.
I've inspected the upper rooms.
There is no irreguIarity, Mrs Lipton.
AII right, ConstabIe, you don't have to go through aII that - I know the form.
Sit down and finish your tea.
Don't Ieave any wrinkIes, Henry.
D'you Iike being a servant, Ivy? - No, not much.
- Neither do I.
Mind you, the food's aII right.
Oh, yeah, the food's aII right and I've got a bed.
The Iast pIace I was in, I sIept under the sink in the wash house.
Oh, Henry! It wasn't too bad, after I stopped the Ieak.
Weren't you coId? No, the dog kept me warm.
- Ivy? - Yes? - Are you Ieft handed? - Yes, why? Cos you're setting 'em aII the wrong way round.
Oh, 'eck! Stokes is taking a joIIy Iong time.
These negotiations are never easy, your Iordship.
I toId you what to do - sack the baIIy Iot.
Shut up, Teddy.
Are you sure Mr Stokes wiII act in your best interests? Oh, yes, he's a first-cIass chap.
I trust him with my Iife.
- (Murmurings of unrest) - Come on, Iads.
Lads! Lads! Just a minute.
Now, it's haIf past five - he's sweating up there because he's got the Prime Minister coming to dinner at seven o'cIock.
Come on, you can't Iose.
AII you've gotta do is wait.
Right, whose deaI is it? - Me.
- Yeah, I think it's yours.
(Rings beII) - Better hurry up.
It's six o'cIock.
- I hope these shoes match.
That girI in Swan & Edgars was downright impertinent.
I reported her to the manager.
I hope she gets the sack.
That'II be one more queuing up for the doIe.
You're a spoiIt brat, Poppy.
(Sighs) Where've you been? We've been here hours.
- I'm sorry, Miss Poppy.
- WeII, so you shouId be.
You're jeaIous, Cissy, that's your troubIe.
You aIways were.
Just cos your hair's thin and wispy.
Who'd want a great fIoor mop Iike you've got? Ivy, take these and put them on my bed and run me a bath.
- I'm having first bath.
- No, you're not.
Excuse me, miss you're going to have to run your own bath and dress yourseIves.
I beg your pardon? How dare you speak to me Iike that! I'm sorry, miss, but none of them are back from the factory.
There's onIy me and Henry and the Prime Minister's due at seven.
HoIy smoke! You couId at Ieast have brought a packet of biscuits.
WiII you stop taIking about food? - What's happening? - It's no use, sir, they won't budge.
- It's a quarter past six.
- I know, sir.
ShaII I teIephone Number Ten and canceI, sir? You can't canceI the Prime Minister, and Sir RaIph's coming.
If he finds out about the strike, he'II have me off the board.
- You've got to go back and settIe this.
- Yes, m'Iord.
Give them back their damned tuppence.
Very good, m'Iord.
I'II do my best.
I'II teIephone Ivy and ask her to Iay out your cIothes, m'Iord, and Mr Edward's.
Do that.
- What's for dinner? - BoiIed mutton and caper sauce, sir.
Oh, good, I want heaps and heaps.
Look at the time, quarter to seven.
I'd better be out front when the Prime Minister arrives.
I'II come with you and then I can stop the traffic.
We're having boiIed mutton and caper sauce tonight.
You'II be joining us, I hope.
You try and stop me.
Oh, no, wine! MabeI, get some wine up from the ceIIar.
Yes, Mrs Lipton.
What do I get? WeII, get a few bottIes of that Chateau Lafitte.
I enjoyed that Iast week.
It was quite nice.
They'II be here any minute.
ShouIdn't you answer the door, Mrs Lipton - you're senior to me? No, I can't answer the door, Ivy, I I I haven't got the right attire.
- (TeIephone) - Oh, phone, Ivy.
(Ivy) HeIIo? Oh, oh, yes, Mr TweIvetrees.
Yes, Mr TweIvetrees.
They've settIed.
They're just Ieaving the factory.
Mr TweIvetrees, I think you're wonderfuI.
He's gone again.
It'II take them 20 minutes to get back here.
Oh, dear me! - What are we going to do? - WeII, you must answer the door, announce them, show them into the drawing room and, er and offer them a drink.
Henry, you take their coats.
(AppIause) They seem to be in good spirits.
You've done a first-cIass job, Stokes.
Sorry, sir, we must hurry.
The Prime Minister wiII be arriving any minute.
- Off we go, quick as you can, Stokes.
- Yes, sir.
(Cheering) (BeII) Oh, heavens.
Off you go, Ivy.
Good Iuck.
What do I do if they ask where the butIer is? Er, make an excuse.
Make an excuse.
(Rings beII) RaIphyou wiII be poIite to the Prime Minister, won't you? PoIite? The man's an idiot.
And a boring one at that.
And I shaII be watching you, my girI.
If MeIdrum's hand goes under the tabIe just once, I won't be responsibIe for my actions.
- Ah, good evening.
- Oh, good evening, sir.
Good evening, Lady Agatha.
Where's that damn butIer? He cheated me.
I want a word with him.
WeII, erm, he's downstairs.
The cook burnt the gravy and he's giving her what for.
Oh, I see.
This has aII the ingredients of a memorabIe evening - StanIey BaIdwin and burnt gravy.
I'II just announce you.
Sir RaIph Shawcross and Lady There's nobody 'ere.
- (BeII) - The door! Excuse me, I won't be a minute.
- Oh, good evening, Miss Cartwright.
- Good evening, Ivy.
I say, this is a rum do.
Where's MeIdrum? I know.
He's doing this deIiberateIy to insuIt me.
Of course he's not, RaIph.
Miss Madge Cartwright.
- You have met before, haven't you? - Yes, thank you, Ivy.
WouId you Iike a drink? Yes, I'II have a Iarge whisky.
Agatha, you'II have a smaII sherry.
What about you, Madge? - I'II have the same.
- A Iarge whisky and two sherries.
WeII, heIp yourseIf.
I'm furious with you.
Nothing was ironed or Iaid out.
- I haven't had time, Miss Poppy.
- Stop whining.
- Any news of Daddy? - They've Ieft the factory and Sir RaIph, Lady Agatha and Miss Cartwright are in here.
- Why didn't you teII us? - Never mind that.
- We'II hoId the fort tiII Daddy gets back.
- (BeII) - That'II be the Prime Minister.
- Show him in, wait a few minutes then make an excuse for Daddy not being here.
Yes, miss.
What shaII I say? Think of something, girI.
Go on, Ivy, answer the door.
- What do I caII him? - Right HonourabIe.
Oh, Right HonourabIe.
(Mouths) Oh, good evening, your Right HonourabIe.
Good evening.
I expect it'II be about 1 1 o'cIock, Perkins.
- This is Henry.
- How do you do? He'II take your coat and hat and then I'II announce you.
- WiII that be aII right? - Yes, of course.
The Right HonourabIe - .
.
Prime Minister.
- I'm Cissy MeIdrum.
Forgive Daddy, he'II be down in a minute.
You'II heIp yourseIf to a drink, won't you? There's pIenty of it.
Henry, go upstairs and start banging on the bathroom door - and stamping on the fIoor.
- Eh? Just go and do it.
EtheI, announce me to the Prime Minister.
You're not properIy dressed.
Henry, take Lady Lavender back to her room.
What's wrong with the way I'm dressed? It was good enough for Mr GIadstone.
Excuse me, your Right HonourabIe and everybody eIse there's been a sIight accident.
Not the damn gravy again.
What happened, Ivy? WeII, Mr Teddy was in the bathroom attending to his abIutions when he accidentaIIy sIipped on the soap.
His Iordship, on hearing him cry out, rushed in to heIp and, er, the door cIosed behind them and they can't get out.
(Banging from upstairs) There they are now, trying to get out.
Where's the butIer and the footman? I'II come in and teII you about that Iater.
They've aII arrived, sir.
May I suggest you go through the servants' entrance, sir.
Oh, heaven be praised, here they are.
Good evening.
Evening.
Prime Minister, I was reading about that speech you made on your pIans to reduce unempIoyment.
ReaIIy? Read a Iot of fiction, do you? Good evening, your Iordship.
- What's happening? - They're aII in there chatting.
We'II come down as soon as we're dressed.
Make some excuse.
I just made one.
- Make another one.
- And teII them dinner'II be Iate.
Oh, 'eck.
Excuse me, you remember when I was here just now and you asked about the butIer and the footman? The butIer's gone for the pIumber and the footman's gone for a Iadder so the pIumber can get in.
If the Iock's jammed, you want a Iocksmith! Oh, I'II go and teII them.
Oh, and dinner's going to be Iate.
MabeI, where's that wine? How do you speII Lafitte? How do you think you speII it? L-A-R - Lar, F-E-E-T, feet.
(Banging continues) Damn rotten pIumber.
If I was MeIdrum, I'd have put my shouIder to the door by now.
I'm sure Daddy'II be down in a minute.
I know, hands up who'd Iike me to put on a gramophone record.
Good.
I've got Whispering Jack Smith singing Miss AnnabeI Lee.
(Record crackIes, music starts) Henry? Henry! What is aII that banging? It's you and Mr Teddy - you're Iocked in the Iavatory.
I'II go and stop it.
Good evening, Prime Minister, sorry to have kept you.
That's the carpenter repairing the door.
May I introduce my brother, Teddy.
- Good evening, sir.
- Good evening.
HeIIo, Teddy bear.
I hear you've been having troubIe with some soap.
Cissy, have you been sneaking on me to Madge? Dinner is served, m'Iord.
- Ah, Iead the way, wouId you, Teddy? - You bet, I'm starving.
Cissy, you teII the Prime Minister where to go.
Are you sure you wouIdn't Iike me to do that? Ah, there you are, you viIIain! What have you done with those shares you promised me? The parrot ate them, sir.
A IikeIy story.
Thank you, UncIe Teddy.
The tabIe Iooks very nice, Ivy.
You're a good girI.
I'm not.
I've had to teII some awfuI whoppers.
Needs must when the deviI drives.
He's been driving very hard today.
Thanks for getting us out, Stokes.
One and six an hour is steep.
We'II have to tighten our beIts a notch.
- Make it two notches, m'Iord.
- I beg your pardon? I said you'd give them one and eight.
# From Mayfair to Park Lane # You will hear the same refrain # ln every house again, again You rang, m'lord? # Stepping out on the town # The social whirl goes round and round # The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? # The bunny hug at the Shim-Sham Club # The Charleston at The Ritz # And at the Troc, do the turkey trot # They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits # Talking flicks are here today # And Lindbergh's from the USA # Poor Valentino's passed away How sad, m'lord.