Z Rock (2008) s02e02 Episode Script

Paulie: Friggin' Dave always takes forever.
Hey! Look at this.
Where the hell have you been? David: I, uh, (sighs) I fell asleep on the bowl.
What? - So you took a shnap? - A what? - Excuse me? - I took a what? - Shnap.
- No, I fell asleep on the bowl.
- That's a shnap.
- David: What's a shnap? What you just did.
I fell asleep while I was taking a shit.
Yes.
A shit and a nap is a shnap.
There's an actual term for that, huh? I think there's a term for everything.
What the hell are you talking about? We're a Brooklyn band It's rock 'n' roll we live But to pay the rent We gotta play for kids Yeah Are you ready? Are you ready to start the show? Z Rock coming Here we go! Kids: Z Rock! Neil: Welcome home, boys.
- Whoo! Nice! - This is awesome! Top-shelf bar.
- Beautiful big stage.
- Wow.
- State-of-the-art sound system.
- Look at this.
- Run around.
- Look at this.
This is great.
I'm really impressed, man.
- This is awesome.
- Thank you.
Dude, we've been dreaming our whole lives to play Webster Hall.
And one day you're gonna live that dream.
But for right now you're gonna play in your friend Neil's club The Studio beneath Webster Hall.
Same building.
Same structure.
Same address though, right? Yes, it's the same address.
And they put an "A" there's an "A" at the end, though.
But it's the same address overall.
The show's gonna be fantastic.
The best part? We have our drummer back.
After so many years with Becky, you need to start over.
- He's so right.
- What did I tell you? Don't mention her name.
You know what? I'm taking you out.
I'm getting you some pussy.
That's it.
- David.
- Get the hell out of here.
I'm sorry.
Snatch.
Do you know what a big day it's gonna be for me Saturday? Not only is my favorite band gonna be playing in my brand-new Manhattan club, my soulmate Alex, who I told you about - Yeah.
I know.
is coming to town.
- Alex is coming on Saturday? - Yes.
And we're gonna go home and make sweet love until the sun comes up, maybe in a milk bath, I don't know.
The point is, he's right.
You need to start over.
But don't worry, 'cause I'm going to go.
- You? - I'm a very good skank detector, - I'll have you know, David.
- Oh God.
I tell you what, you come out with us, you'll never hear her name again.
- All right.
- Yay! - You and I, we're going out.
- And me.
Going out? What about our rehearsal? We'll rehearse every day and at night I'll take you out to get laid.
All I need is a nice woman to make a nice manicotti like Nonna used to make.
- She's out there, Joseph.
- I'm burnt out on women.
Ah, the vagina hand-woven by Satan himself.
Paulie: Guys, enough is enough.
Let's start rehearsing.
- Stop stalling.
- I'm not stalling.
- Stop.
Ready? Two.
On two.
- That's the oldest trick in the book.
You can't say stop stalling when you are the one stalling and I'm trying to tell you that you're stalling.
Shut up.
On two.
Are you ready? Okay.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Hey, hotshot.
- Hey.
What are you doing here? - Where are you headed? I just paid your studio rent.
- How's the new song? - Oh, it's going great.
Now the only problem is getting the guys to focus.
They're so, like, distracted.
It's like every little thing distracts ooh, donuts.
Incredible focus, Paulie.
Oh my God.
This is Christmas for me.
Well, Hanukkah technically, but Dina Malinsky? - Oh my God! How are you? - Bonnie? Bonnie Bernstein, look at you! You look beautiful.
- How are you? - Thank you.
You know, I've been getting that a lot lately.
I think it's my inner beauty.
- What have you been doing? - I've got this band that I'm managing, a rock band.
Very hot.
- Speaking of which - Hi.
- This is - Hello.
This is Paulie Z.
This is Bonnie Bernstein.
She's a sportscaster and a very good friend of mine.
Sportscaster? I like sports.
- Dina: What are you doing here? - L actually I'm doing a piece on Rex Ryan, the new Jets coach.
- Oh, okay.
- So we do voiceover work here.
So I was just finishing up.
Giants, huh? Superbowl? Aw, that was two years ago.
- They opened for Kiss.
- Girl: Oh my gosh, he's Paulie Z.
Hi, honey.
Wait wait.
- Paulie Z.
- Do you know this kid? Yes, this is my niece Emma.
I'm watching her while my sister is in the Peace Corps in Rwanda.
Stephanie had a kid this cute? Can you believe it? Who knew? - Paulie Z.
- Why do you know his name? I saw him at Maria's birthday party.
- You were at Maria's birthday party? - She knows the Z Brothers.
- Yeah.
That was a good party.
- The Z Brothers? No, honey, this is a different.
This is he doesn't No, Bonnie, Z Brothers is the band that the guys are in during the day.
They play for kids.
It's what they do as a day job.
- Oh.
- But Z02 is what's going to bring us - all the fame.
- This is the guy you've been talking she's been jumping up and down like a chicken, right? - This is him.
- I know it's hard to believe that I would be that goofy, but I know you're busy and everything, but do you have a second - to come have lunch with us? - Yeah.
- Do you wanna have lunch with Dina? - Do you mind? - Awesome.
Let's do that.
- Just go.
Can Paulie come to our house for dinner tonight? - Oh.
- It's up to her.
- I'd love to.
- Please please please please please please please please All right.
Looks like Paulie Z's coming to dinner tonight.
- Yeah! - Get my number from her - and we'll see you later.
- Okay.
Save your appetite.
All right.
Have a good lunch.
- Work hard.
Focus.
- Dina.
Dinner.
Touchdown! Montana to Favre.
- Yes! - David: Just remember, condoms are key.
You wanna live to fight another day.
I feel dirty already.
Good.
You're on the right road.
David: Nice of you to join us.
Did you have a nice shnap? I actually never made it.
You've been gone for 15 minutes.
What the hell happened? You wanted to practice, let's get going.
What is this goofy grin you got? I met someone very special pretty, smart she's a sportscaster.
Bonnie, uh - Bonnie Bernstein or something? - What? Hold on a second.
You just met Bonnie Bernstein in the hallway? - Yeah.
- Bullshit.
- Why? You know who she is? - She is absolutely - the best female broadcaster.
- First of all She knows everything there is to know about sports.
First of all, you're not allowed to say broadcaster.
- "Broad" is a - Politically incorrect? Yeah, you can't say chick or broad or dame.
I don't back to Bonnie Bernstein.
- Newscaster - Or sportscaster.
Right.
Is she hot? Is she hot? Dude, she's smoking hot.
- Oh yeah.
- I have a date with her tonight.
- Uh-huh.
- You're going on a date - with Bonnie Bernstein.
- Yes, sir.
Well, you're not gonna pull that off.
- Why not? - Are you you know nothing - about sports.
- I don't need to know about sports.
- I know about love.
- What are you gonna talk about? I don't know Jewish stuff.
- Jewish stuff.
- Yes.
That's what you're gonna talk to Bonnie Bernstein about.
- I don't know.
- Sports! You're gonna talk to her about sports.
Why do I have to talk about sports? - You wanna get anywhere with her? - Yes.
Then you better learn some sports.
I hate agreeing with him, but the second she finds out you know nothing about what she does for a living, - you're done.
- Little quiz: How many innings are in a baseball game? Uh, four quarters.
That's right.
Uh, if you just score three goals in hockey, what's that considered? - Triple double? - You are dead tonight.
- Dina: How good is this? - It's great, but why I don't understand why we've come to an Italian restaurant - to meet girls.
- Look around.
- These girls are practically models.
- Dina: Models? - Hand or foot? - The food is sick.
Forget the food.
I'm telling you, I've been in here many times and I've always walked away with talent.
You see the girl in the corner? Dina: Absolutely not.
She's all wrong.
Look at her eyes.
She has angry eyes.
- She's got angry eyes? Kinda nice.
- Look at the one behind you.
I like the one behind you.
She looks like she would listen to me.
- I like that body.
- Hi.
- I'm Bethany.
- Hi.
- Are you enjoying the food? - Is this your place? - Yes, it is.
- Oh my God, it's amazing.
Oh, really? I'm so glad you like it.
- I love it.
- No.
She looks just like Becky.
Becky? She's Asian.
Think, David.
Like an Asian Becky.
I like this girl.
Look at this girl.
No, look at the hair.
She doesn't know how to flat iron.
That's no good.
David, you cannot base entire relationships on how a girl flat irons her hair.
It's worked for me.
This is actually the specialty.
- The meatballs are incredible.
- Oh, thank you so much.
I made them by hand.
You use bread instead of breadcrumbs? - Yes.
- You do right? I soak the bread in milk, which I think it makes them more moist.
You can feel the texture.
Totally different.
Wow, I'm very impressed.
You know your meatballs.
That one's okay.
- Yeah.
- Oh, no.
No way.
Butter face.
This is real real food like my mom used to make.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Everything's made by hand.
I take real pride in it.
I'm a natural food chef.
I'm going on and on.
I'm sorry.
I really don't want to interrupt you.
I really do have to run.
I'm actually on the way - to a Mario Batali tasting.
- You are kidding me.
- Yeah.
- I love Mario.
I was at work all day so I didn't really think about it, but if you want you can come with me.
I have a plus one.
- Really? - Yeah.
I mean, I know you're in the middle of dinner, it doesn't seem like your friends are giving you any attention whatsoever.
- No, I can wrap this up quick.
- Joey, I'm sorry, but we can't I don't think it's gonna happen.
There are no good women for you in here.
- I'm okay, don't worry.
- Wow.
Okay.
- David, there aren't any.
- I'm gonna take your friend.
It's okay? I have a tasting downtown.
- Ready? - I'm out, guys.
- Bye.
Nice to meet you.
- Let's go.
Thank you so much.
- Why is he leaving with the cook? - 'Cause the cook is hot.
Hey, D, it's Bonnie.
Hey, Bonnie! How's the date going? It's kinda bizarre.
I only got a second 'cause Paulie is in the bathroom, but I think I might actually like him.
Yeah? He's cute, isn't he? He is so funny.
He keeps trying to drop all these sports lines on me, and the guy just has, like, absolutely no clue.
Oh, yeah.
He doesn't know anything about sports.
But you see how he's trying? That's so sweet.
Oh, wait.
He's coming.
- I gotta go.
- All right.
Bye.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Find it okay? - Yes, everything is great.
Thank you.
So where were we? You were going to help me with my baseball knowledge, right? I was going to attempt to help you with your baseball knowledge.
- All right.
- I'm only so talented.
All right, so tell me, what other famous baseball players should I know about? Somebody everybody knows is Yogi Berra.
- "Hey, Boo Boo.
" - No.
No.
Yogi Ber-ra.
- Oh, Yogi Ber-ra.
- Yogi Berra.
Yes.
- I had a nightmare.
- Oh.
- Oh no.
- Oh.
Can Paulie sing me a lullaby? - Sure.
- Absolutely.
- So, was Yogi Berra - Ber-ra.
related to Yogi Bear? Bonnie: All right, munchkin, get in there.
Sing sing sing.
All right, all right.
You got your teddy bear.
You got your pillow.
Boop.
Can I use one of those guitars on the wall? Those are not real.
Ay yi yi yi yi.
- She got one right behind you.
- Oh.
Oh, pink.
I like it.
- Just your color.
- Yeah.
How did you know? Uh, let's see.
You wanted to do a lullaby.
All right, do you like boats? - I love boats.
- Okay, I'll do a lullaby - about tugboats, okay? - Uh-huh.
Tug tug tug your boat On the river deep (whispers) Give me a harmony.
Ready? Okay.
- Try.
- (clears throat) Ready.
Both: Tug tug tug your boat Tug your boat to sleep.
(whispers) I think we did it.
Back to the living room.
Aunt Bonnie, could you stay with me? - It's okay.
- Of course I will, sweetheart.
It's okay.
You guys have a good night.
- I hope you enjoyed dinner.
- It was great.
Thank you.
Uncle Paulie is gonna go tug his boat.
Your reputation's a mysterious one I see right through your disguise So shady Hold on, hold on.
I can't I can't hear anything.
It's distorted.
- It's fucked - Here we go.
- This is ridiculous.
- Can we get through one song, please? - Yeah, if I can hear myself, sure.
- Gentlemen.
Come on, that sounded great.
Is that the new material? - Paulie: Yeah.
- I love it! We're trying to get it ready, but this moron keeps stopping.
It sounds ready to me.
Paulie? You know he's a perfectionist, come on.
I can't listen to you like this.
I can't do it.
Paulie: We're still getting used to the new Neil.
You look like you should be hosting "Masterpiece Theatre" or something like that.
It doesn't make sense.
- You know what I mean? - I don't know about that, Paul.
Did he just call you Paul? No baby lips or sweet cakes, none of that stuff? - Hot ass? - Those are jokes of yesteryear, fellas.
- (cell phone ringing) - Oh.
- Alex.
- Oh.
Bonjour, Alex.
Ça va? - Dude, I can't believe this.
- Look at him.
(laughs, sighs) - I miss you.
- Leave him alone.
He's in love.
Look at him.
He looks like a little schoolgirl.
(kissing) Look at Neil's taste.
Right? That was his first boyfriend.
Can you imagine what Alex looks like? Au revoir, mon amour.
Okay.
(sighs) I'll tell you what, you find love and it just it opens you up.
Alex has made me really feel now like I can be myself, let my inner self come out.
- Oh, you're out, all right.
- So liberating.
And one day I know you guys will find the same 'cause you're great guys.
Let's get back to practicing.
You guys do your thing and I will see you tonight.
He is gayer than ever.
I still can't get over it.
No one cares about my date? No one asks about my love? - Oh, how did the advice work? - Hello? - Yeah.
- Did my tips work? Hey, you are a fucking idiot, you know that? - What? - She's a Mets fan, you gave me all Yankees stuff.
All I wanna know is, did you get lucky? I didn't exactly get lucky lucky, but she cooked me a great meal and I sang her niece a lullaby.
I don't even wanna hear about that.
You're depressing me.
It's all about this guy right here little drummer boy.
I took this man to the Mecca, he didn't even walk out with one of the customers.
The guy walked out with the president.
- The president? - I don't know if she's the president.
She's the owner.
Cook.
Owner.
- Same shit.
- President.
He's an idiot.
You have no idea.
Last night was insane! We went with Mario Batali to a cheese-and-wine tasting thing.
So we're pounding.
We're all crippled.
Crippled.
Even fatso's crippled.
We get to the Hamptons, we're going nuts.
We got Johnny Blue, Johnny Black.
We're drinking cognacs on the beach Look at you, drinking Johnny pink now.
I need this stuff today.
Hold on.
I need this stuff right now.
I don't care because society says I have to.
That's what that Mister that's Johnny Pink.
I woke up this morning dead.
She was gonna come by today, but there's no chance.
She is destroyed.
- Oh my God.
- All right.
Let's get back.
- Jesus Christ.
- Let's pick it up from the pre-chorus.
Ready? So shady Got into my head, I don't feel the pain 'Cause I'm paralyzed Flowing through my veins Hi.
Hi, I'm Bethany.
Oh, hi, I'm Paulie.
You're Bethany? - Yeah.
Sorry I'm late.
- Hi.
What's up? I made you stuffed peppers.
That's why I'm late.
I never thought you were gonna make it today.
Oh, of course.
Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
- Get mmh! - Jesus Christ.
You're not hung over at all? I mean, we did run a little hard, but Oh my it was crazy.
So what do you got planned for later? I'm thinking about going ice skating.
- Ice skating? - Yeah, you should come.
I mean, I'm from Brooklyn.
I don't ice skate.
What? None of the Islanders or Rangers came from Brooklyn? I don't think so.
Maybe the zamboni guy is from Brooklyn.
- That's about it.
- Well, I make an amazing hot chocolate.
I put Frangelico in it, so it's got a hazelnut flavor.
- Really? I like that.
- Yes.
- Now you wanna come? - I love Frangelico.
Yes.
- Yes, he's in.
- Now we're talking.
- I'm in.
- You wanna come ice skating? - Hell yeah.
- Invite Beavis and Butthead.
- They should come.
- I don't want them to come.
(mimics Butthead) Why not? Yeah! Ice skating.
- Do you really wanna come? - Maybe I can invite Bonnie.
- Oh, all right.
- Your girlfriend? Skating.
That's a sport, right? Like, officially, I mean? Skating is in the Olympics.
Yes, it is a sport.
- Okay.
- So I'll talk to you later.
- Okay.
I'll call you for the details.
- Okay, perfect.
- Definitely.
- Bye, guys.
- Nice seeing you.
- You sounded really great.
- Bye.
- Nice to see you.
- Hey, you.
- Hey.
- What's going on? - Not much.
Hey, Paulie.
Ready to skate? Yeah, pumpkin, I am.
Yeah, apparently there is no school today.
- Ah.
- Mm-hm.
- That's okay.
All right, let's do this.
- Okay, let's go.
- You go first.
- I've been watching - a lot of old hockey videos - That frightens me more than you have any idea.
Come on, Mama.
Come to Daddy.
Just a little bite, a little bite.
Little.
Oh my God.
One for you, two for me.
Who the hell ever thought of putting bacon on a hot dog? God damn.
Freak show! - Good job.
- Oh my God, look at this.
What are you doing over there? Come on, freak, I'll help you.
Look, they're leaving you in the dust.
What are you doing? There's no dust.
It's ice, my friend.
- Come on, I'll help ya.
- You suck.
You're a loser.
Look at me.
You know, you look good, freak.
Oh, whoa whoa.
Ready to turn? - Ready to turn? - Yo, kid.
Come here.
See that goofy bastard down there with the Afro? I'll give you a hot dog if you knock him over.
They're wrapped in bacon.
Boom.
Bonnie, look.
Paulie Gretzky, baby.
Oh, Jeez.
Oh.
Hands off my man.
Neil: Gentlemen, - are you enjoying the space? - Webster Hall.
- I know.
Beneath it.
- Same address though.
It is with an "A.
" You guys picking that up at all? That smell? - Did you break wind? - No no no.
You're not getting that? I have festooned myself with one of the finest fragrances France has to offer.
Orange Blossom.
It's Alex's favorite.
That's right.
Alex is coming tonight, right? That's right.
It's a big night, so you guys do what you gotta do.
- I'll get out of your hair.
- We'll see you later, man.
I can't wait to meet this dude.
Did he just say "festooned"? I can't believe there was ever a point that we thought he wasn't gay.
- Festooned? - That's an SAT word, I think.
Well well well.
Oh! Mmmh! - How are you? - I'm good.
(whispers) I'm all alone.
- No Emma? - No Emma.
Oh well, in that case, let me show you around.
Bonnie: Backstage, five minutes before the show starts, shouldn't be like warming up your mi-mi-mi-mi-mi? - Ah.
- Do you really do that - or they just do that in the movies? - Yeah.
No.
100% before every show.
- What do you have to do? - Watch my lips.
Ready? - Uh-huh.
- Look, they're not gonna vibrate.
They're not gonna move.
Eeee.
- They're not vibrating? - No.
You don't believe me? Look.
Eeee.
- Eeee.
- (cell phone ringing) Hold that note.
Guess who? - Hi, Em.
- (Emma babbling) What? All right, calm down.
I'll see you in a little bit, honey.
All right, I love you.
Bye.
So were where we? Um we are not anywhere.
Look, I don't expect you to understand this because you think Emma is all cute and whatnot, and she is, but she will do whatever she can to thwart my happiness when I meet somebody I think I'm interested in.
I don't know if it is some sort of displaced separation anxiety, whatever it is, but the fact of the matter is, Paulie, no matter how much I like you, until my sister and brother-in-law come back from their do-gooding in Rwanda and saving everybody else's life, I'm not gonna have a life.
I just think we need to stop this before it even gets started.
Whoa whoa whoa.
What are you saying? - Wait wait wait.
- I gotta go.
Can't we just send Emma to Rwanda? We can go to Rwanda together.
Come on, I've never even been to Europe.
I'd love to go.
Paulie, this is ridiculous.
Look how miserable you are.
You gotta snap out of it.
Do you hear the crowd out there? We haven't played a live show in forever.
This is crazy.
Dude, and over what? Over a girl? - I told you not - She's not just a girl.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Your girlfriend? She wasn't my girlfriend.
She was my she completed me.
Yo.
Dude, we're going on any minute.
Where the hell have you been? I was with Bethany.
That's it.
I'm invoking my executive band privilege right this minute.
You need to stop dating this girl.
We're not going out.
I told you.
I'm burnt out on women.
I'm taking a break.
What the hell have you been doing then? Well, let me show you what I've been doing right here, my friends.
Bethany is a sexy girl, but I got something better than sex.
- Baboom! - What is that? The manicotti just like Nonna used to make.
- That's manicotti? - Yeah, I got six months worth.
Wait a second.
You were in it just for the food? Of cou what do you think? (laughs) There might be a player in you yet.
Are you crazy? I don't have to call her for at least six months.
- That's great.
- Whoo.
Let's do it, baby.
- Have a little piece right now.
- No.
Not now.
Are you crazy? - After the show.
- We're on.
Right after the show.
I've got enough for everybody.
- After-show snack.
- Let's do it.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, ZO2! (crowd cheering) I know this is supposed to be a party, but I gotta be honest with you.
I just don't feel like partying tonight because, well, my girlfriend left me.
- Crowd: Oh.
- Girl: I'll be your girlfriend.
- Really? - Me too! Count me in.
- Me too.
- Me too, Paulie.
All right.
In that case, I'm cured! Whoa! Your reputation's a mysterious one I see right through your disguise Joey: Look at this.
- Animals.
- Slow down, Joe.
You're eating like a gabon.
You're gonna get indigestion.
I got 10 trays of this stuff.
Oh, Dina, let him have his night.
Let them all have their night.
Isn't the bigger picture here? We're all together again, huh? This night couldn't get any better.
Hello.
Oh my God.
Alex! Alex is a chick? A smoking hot chick.
(Alex and Neil mumbling) God, I missed you so much.
Everyone, this is Alex.
- You're Alex.
- You're fucking shitting me.
- What? - Please meet my friends.
- This is Joseph.
- Hi.
How are you? - That's Dina.
- Hi.
Nice to meet you.
- This is David right here.
- How are you? - And of course Paulie.
- Hi.
How are you? - No no no.
- That's me.
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
Huh? Paulie Paulie is a man? Of course he's a man.
That's why I was always saying how nice his ass is.
(French accent) What? I thought it was a girl and it's a guy? - (speaks French) - Huh? (speaks French) - Shit, what? - (speaks French) Oh, that makes sense now, Neil.
- You're totally gay.
Au revoir.
- Totally? That's a strong word.
She's perceptive for a hot girl.
Neil: I just got dumped.
I just got dumped! Some French whore dumped me in my club! I lived on a fucking houseboat with this bitch for fucking four months.
You know what a houseboat smells like with her? Tuna fish and failed modeling dreams.
Well, fuck her.
Fuck her and fuck this.
Fuck this shit.
Take a back seat, whore.
Welcome home, motherfucker.
He's back.
(theme music playing) - Paulie: One, two, three! - Kids: "Z Rock"!