2 Broke Girls s02e03 Episode Script

Max, I can't wait to go home and ilegally download that documentary about performance art.
And I can't wait to go home and watch "Here comes Honey Boo Boo.
" But first you have to see this.
Her name is Marina Abramovic.
In the 90's she and her boyfriend did this piece called "Confrontation" where they just slapped each other's faces for days.
Oh yeah? My mom and her boyfriend did that too, but they called it, "Who smoked the last cigarette.
" No, really, it was pure art.
She's a genius.
How about you and I do a little art right now? Ah.
What are they doing? I think they might be doing a scene from Fifty Shades Of Grey.
Ah, okay, stop.
Okay.
That's for suggesting we make a lip-synch video to Call Me Maybe.
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh And the Hold Up Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh What's up, my man? You look pretty down.
My mother in Korea is working my last nerve, you know, Earl? Well, uh, I didn't expect a back and forth here.
Uh, Max, do you wanna move in? Han, you can't let your mommy keep bullying you.
Stand up to her.
You're a 53-year-old man.
Max, I am 29.
What? I am 29.
What? Han, are you sure? Yes, what makes you think I'm older? - Well, everything-- your hair, your clothes, the $5 check you gave me for my birthday.
Hi, can I help you? Ooh, that sounded so sincere.
Well, when you're in my section, you'll meet the real me.
I have one question.
Do you wanna live? Actually, today, I could go either way.
You see this? Go around the diner and have everyone fill it with the contents of their purse, and if you do, nobody gets hurt.
Okay, okay, okay, but, uh, I don't know how much you're gonna collect here.
I mean, most of these customers pay with coins or fresh tomatoes from their garden.
Uh, Earl, listen up.
We're being robbed by that man in the suit, and he wants everyone to empty their stuff into this bag.
Uh, Max, I've been on both sides of this situation, and the best thing to do is play along.
Okay, Caroline, I'm gonna tell you something, and I don't want you to react.
I knew you were gonna get pregnant.
Damn it! All right, fine.
- We'll get through this together.
- No! Look, we're being robbed, and that guy in the suit might have a gun.
No, no--just do what I say, and stay calm.
I need you to empty your purse into the trash bag.
I can't believe this is happening just when I saved $2.
Max, I can't die, and I certainly can't die in this ugly uniform.
I mean, it looks good on you.
Are you having a heart attack? I'm peeing.
What do you mean? I'm really freaked out, and I'm peeing.
I can't stop! Just stop, stop! Clench it.
Okay.
No, can't.
Step out from behind the counter.
Sorry, sir, I can't.
- Why? - Well, um, I'm peeing.
Still? Out of the way, girls.
I'll take down this-- whoa! Get away from him.
Miss, you need to get out from behind the counter now - before I-- - Uh, please take her, not me.
- What's happening? - Han, we're being robbed.
So sorry.
Please take everything that is in my manny-pack.
Would it be possible if I took my prayer beads out? They've been in my family for hundreds and hundreds of-- I don't think so, homeboy.
You're in my house now, bitch.
Here's what's left in the bag.
Nope, sorry.
I don't see your dignity.
Max, don't.
Isn't it enough that I'm wearing dishwasher whites that have been around since the invention of B.
O.
? Oh, look at that, something ate right through the swiffer, and I don't think it was the bleach.
How will you ever live with the shame? Can you believe that is the man who saved us? Yeah, I did not see a gun coming.
I saw nunchucks, ninja smoke, maybe some hairpulling, but not a gun.
Well, good night, ladies.
I thought we all acted very brave tonight.
Well, some of us.
Oh, yeah, I had a trauma, and I urinated.
Ha, ha! That's hilarious.
Yeah, you might need some counseling.
I could drop you off at a therapist on the way to my "I was a human shield" support group.
Am I ever gonna live this down? It happened, like, ten minutes ago.
Okay, let's move on.
Oh, look, someone left a coupon for free movie popcorn.
Oh, I'd love to escape to a movie after my-- well, I'd just love to escape.
How much are movies now, like 200 bucks? Unless you go with me, in which case, it is free.
I'll take you tomorrow.
I've been sneaking into theaters since I was two.
I crawled into The Little Mermaid with a sack full of Cheerios and a baby bottle full of Diet Coke.
You know, Chestnut, the only thing that got me through that robbery was you.
I kept thinking, "who will take care of you?" Because you can't count on blondie selfish-pants who used me as a human shield and then peed herself.
Do not tell Chestnut I peed myself.
He's the only one from my circle who still talks to me.
As I was saying, Chestnut, I would have taken a bullet for her, but she put herself first, and that's okay.
It's fine.
Max, I'm surprised you're even affected by this.
I mean, weren't you shot as a baby? I feel like you told me that.
No, I told you I drank shots as a baby.
My mother hated to drink alone.
Okay, what free movie should we see? Maybe something with a Fanning in it? - I'll see anything unless it's in 3-D.
I mean, if something's gonna be flying at my face, I'd better get a free prime rib out of it.
So what do we do, Max? What do we do? Hide in the back alley till the coast is clear, and when the door opens, make a break for it? No, 'cause it's not the 1940s.
We just go right up in the usher's face, make an excuse, and then boldly walk with purpose.
Okay, well, just show me how.
You can direct me.
I've done a lot of plays.
I could do my "Eliza Doolittle" before she was civilized" walk.
Hello, governor.
Wow, that was just ugly.
I wish I hadn't seen it.
All right, just watch me.
Walk, walk, walk, hair flip, walk, walk.
Walk, walk, walk, hair flip, walk, walk.
Good, but easy on the hair flip, Willow Smith.
Oh, hi, girls.
Oh, I heard what happened.
Max, you got pushed in front of a gun.
You must be very pissed.
Caroline, oh, what a nice outfit.
On a scale of one to ten, you're an eight.
Get it? Urinate.
How do you even know what happened? Oh, well, Oleg told me when we were upstairs playing "hide the penis," and we laughed so hard, we almost peed ourselves, but we didn't because we're not you.
Actually, we're going to a movie.
Oh, well, that's nice.
I hope you're gonna wear your big girl pants.
- Max.
- What? It's silly and funny.
She's like a Polish fart cushion.
Look, if it makes you feel any better, there can't be any pee jokes left.
What are you seeing, something rated "pee pee 13"? Fart cushions are funny.
- There's the guy.
- I'm getting a little nervous.
I'm starting to sweat like those people on Locked Up Abroad.
I don't know why.
I haven't swallowed a heroin balloon.
Okay, let's go.
Pretend we're out of breath.
Out of breath, not out of your mind.
Hey, sorry.
Can we just run back into the theater for a second? I left my iPhone in there, and the prescription for her anti-seizure medication's on it.
Yeah, which theater were you in? Theatre five.
Went to the 11:15.
Got out at 1:20.
A little long.
Could've cut ten from it.
Wow, your walk with purpose is getting almost as impressive as Han's "bang, bang," you're in my house now, bitch!" I know.
What about Han? Before yesterday, we thought he was 53 and unarmed.
Guess we learn something new about people every day.
Yeah, like having to learn that when you get nervous, I'm disposable.
That was very uncharacteristic of me.
Hi, um, Hallelujah.
Cool name, by the way.
How are you doing today, Hallelujah? Bitter.
They wouldn't let me put an exclamation point on my name tag.
Um, is there any way you could make a fresh batch of popcorn? I could, but it takes ten minutes, and your show starts in two.
Actually, it takes 31/2, and I can miss a few trailers.
I used to work at a Cineplex Five.
Oh, so now you just know everything about life? Come on, the opening scene sets up where he gets his superpowers from.
Hey, Hallelujah here is doing the best he can.
I mean, based on his name, his parents clearly had bigger dreams for him, and it is not his fault you guys showed up two minutes before the show starts.
Maybe next time, you'll show up ten minutes early without the attitude and the fidgety exhaling.
You think Hallelujah doesn't hear that? - He does.
- Sorry to be such a problem.
We'll just take whatever you've got ready.
No, girl.
I got you.
I'm gonna make you a fresh batch.
Hallelujah, could I have some fresh too? You'll get the burnt ones and like it, nerd.
Let's sit down here.
Ooh, I'm not sticking to the floor yet.
Fancy theater.
Oh, hey, guys.
Hope I wasn't too hard on you out there.
Nice cape.
Thanks.
I had it in my backpack.
- I wasn't sure.
- Hmm.
You made the right choice.
She likes my cape.
Technically, she likes your sister's cape.
Okay, so I don't know anything about these superhero movies.
It's a remake of a prequel to a sequel? - I'm already confused.
- Okay.
So there's always a nerdy guy And he's either been wronged or bitten or exposed to something toxic.
It gives him superpowers.
He's in love with a pretty girl who his rival tries to kill but then won't because they have to make another movie.
Also, partial nudity, product placement, dope explosions, and a killer score by Hans Zimmer.
Okay, your knowledge of these superhero movies is kind of turning me on right now.
Wait.
Are you kidding me? The hero has red hair as a child? Um, weird, 'cause when he grows up, he has black hair.
Was there some sort of chemical spill, which, by the way, wasn't in the original comic book! - What am I, dumb? - Okay.
Okay, come on.
Come on, let's go to another movie.
What are you talking about? Well, you obviously hate this.
You're yelling at the screen.
Yelling at the screen is the best part of going to the movies, and more white people should learn that.
Oh, wow, look at that.
That car just exploded in front of those two girls, and one didn't use the other's body to block her from the flying debris.
Are you ever gonna let this go? I don't know.
I mean, it's kind of a big deal.
You put my life in danger.
Well, I've apologized about it twice.
I don't know how much more I can do.
Yeah, I could have died, but you apologized twice, so I guess we're good.
I don't like this movie.
It's violence against women.
Let's go see that Katherine Heigl rom-com sequel.
Talk about violence against women.
I am gonna go spend some time with Katie Heigl.
At least she won't make me feel guilty.
See ya.
Enjoy three Walking On Sunshine montages.
I don't wanna go to a movie by myself, and you're right.
I'm sorry.
I hate the way I acted.
I'm a spoiled rich girl, and I always put myself first, and I know that's something you would never do.
Shut up.
Max, I think I just saw Han.
It is Han.
What's he doing here? Why is he sitting all the way in the back? I don't know, maybe he's afraid of blocking absolutely no one's view.
And who is that guy and girl he's sitting with? Is Han in a threesome? Does he secretly have game? Please.
The only game Han has is "One, two, buckle my shoe.
" Wait, he's leaving, and so is the guy he was sitting next to.
Did Han just get more interesting? We have to follow him.
He can blast a wall apart with his thoughts, but he can't get out of handcuffs? Even I could get out of handcuffs! Have fun being lied to.
You're right.
You're always right.
Are you seeing anyone? That was hard to watch.
Why is he going to the bathroom with that stranger? Is Han also a republican senator? Usher.
Are all men's rooms this depressing? We are such different people.
I was just gonna say how nice it is.
I don't hear sex sounds, and he's not on the changing table, so maybe drugs are involved.
You think Han's an Asian drug dealer? What's he selling, crystal math? Oh, look.
Han's coming.
- Aw, gross! - No, no! I meant he's coming this way.
Hey, you're running.
Don't run, it's Han.
For him, every step we take is like a 100-meter dash.
Sorry, you're the one who doesn't want Han to see us.
I just don't want that kind of relationship with him.
You mean the kind of relationship where you see someone you know at the movie theater and say hello? Yeah, I definitely don't want that.
Ladies, may I see your tickets, please? Tickets? Max, do you-- Can I see your tickets, please? I saw you go into another theater.
Caroline? Hi, honey.
Hello? Honey, I forgot my ticket.
He has my ticket.
Han, this nice usher man thinks I snuck into the theater, so just show him the tickets.
Uh, uh-- You two are together? - Yeah, why? - Oh, it's nothing.
It's none of my business, but he just seems too old for you.
- He's 29.
- What? Uh, I'm gonna have to see you and your girlfriend's ticket.
Uh, I thought I put the ticket in here.
Tickets.
You put two tickets in there, honey.
Um, okay.
I cannot find it.
Damn.
Sir, you know that sneaking into a theater's a felony, right? It is? Han, what's that face? It's the same face I made when I peed-- Oh, honey.
How will I live with the shame? Well, at least your fanny pack isn't the most embarrassing thing about you any more.
Well, well, well, look who it is.
Hair flip and go.
I don't know what you're doing, but it feels weird.
Now, look who's walk, walk, walking with purpose away from me again.
What? It wasn't a big deal.
Really? 'Cause I went to movie jail with Han.
- Cool.
- We have a mug shot.
We're a notorious gangster couple now down at the Cineplex.
That's right, Han-nie and Clyde, but you know what, I'm fine.
I'm thrilled, actually, because you walking away gave me one thing.
An obstructed view of my sweet, sweet ass? No, the satisfaction of knowing that you are just as selfish as me.
What a selfish thing to say.
You can walk, walk, walk away from me, Max, but you can't walk away from knowing that you split the scene.
What? I thought you were behind me, and besides, we couldn't both get caught.
Who would live to tell the tale of the great Caroline Channing, the girl who couldn't walk fast enough? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't turn this around.
Now, I see it, the whole "Max" of it all.
When we got caught, you only thought about saving yourself, and you weren't defending poor Hallelujah.
You just wanted fresh popcorn for yourself.
What can I say? I guess you're on to me.
You said you'd take a bullet for me.
You'd never take a bullet for me.
Probably not.
No one ever takes a bullet.
It's just something people say that they don't mean, like, "how was your day?" Or, "we'll stop if it hurts.
" Wow, so this is who we are, huh? Two selfish girls who always put ourselves before everyone else and are willing to do anything to survive? Guess we are.
Man, we're gonna crush the cupcake competition.
But, Max, even though we're ruthless, every now and then, on our own behalf, we do put ourselves second, and I guess that's what makes us best friends.
I don't think I've ever done that.
Yes, you have.
You let me stay on your couch when I had no place to stay.
I guess I did.
And I gave you-- Go ahead.
Well, there must be something where I didn't put myself first.
Let me know when you find it.
Sophie, just look at you.
You couldn't look more scrumptious.
Oh, maybe I could with a little chocolate drizzled on me.
Oh, good, there you are, Han.
I just have one question that I have to ask you.
What is your favorite musical? Is it The Wiz? Whiz, Max! I found another one, right? How do you even know about this? Oh, Oleg told me while we were having phone sex.
And by phone sex, she means we were using the phone in the sex.
Don't worry, Han.
A lot of older men can't control their bladder.
I am twenty-freaking-nine! Ooh, what? I'm humiliated, Max.
Hey, listen to me.
You didn't sell Caroline out.
A lot of people would have, but you just stood there like a man and peed your pants.
That's true.
I did.
By the way, Han, why were you at the movies in the middle of the day? Sometimes people bug me, and I need some time away.
You know what, Han? You're cool.
We're gonna hang sometime.
Not now, not in a week, but in the future.
Just sayin', I got my eye on you.