Absolutely Fabulous (1992) s02e03 Episode Script

# This wheel's on fire # Rolling down the road # Best notify my next of kin # This wheel shall explode Sweetie! Oh, darling! Oh, God, sweetie! What a day! What a day I've had, sweetie, darling! I have been at work since I left here this morning.
- You want some lunch? - No, I had lunch in the studio.
Studio, sweetie, studio.
Studio, darling.
Action, lights, camera.
- What have you been doing? - Pop-specs ad.
- What? - You know I represent Pop-specs? New ad.
- What are Pop-specs? - What are Pop-specs?! Are you dead? These are them! Look, darling.
These are Pop-specs! They are great.
Do you see that one? Here's another one! Schizophrenia! - They're fantastic! - How can you upmarket those? Patsy has agreed to put them in a fashion shoot in her magazine.
New ad, sweetie, mainly my idea.
It's very clever.
Otherwise my company are left with one minor department store, two student designers, Smudgibars and Lulu paying for your upkeep, darling.
And Lulu is like that, sweetie.
You could show a little enthusiasm.
Why should I be happy that you'll spend thousands of pounds Hundreds of thousands of pounds.
persuading people to buy some cheap bit of plastic that they don't even want? don't know they want yet that will then be thrown away and sit around polluting the planet.
That's it, is it? Can I show you something, sweetie? Look! What do you think that is? - It's a sticker with a green tree on it.
- Yes.
- What does that mean? - Kind to trees, sweetie.
How are they kind to trees? They ain't made of wood.
How kind do you want? What a day! What a long, tedious day! - It's 2 o'clock! - I've been at work all day, Pats.
You're a fool! Have you sorted Marrakech? Have you phoned Humphrey? - Yes.
We can stay at his villa.
- Fantastic! Marrakech? Why are you going to Marrakech? - For the fashion shoot, sweetie.
- Why there? Are you Magnus Magnusson all of a sudden? "Hand on buzzers.
" "I don't know.
" "Pass.
" Just because, all right? No, Eddie.
Not just because.
These things aren't chosen at random.
- No.
- It's supposed to be really beautiful out there.
You spent Christmases out there when you were a child.
- You always left me here with Gran.
- Well, you got the postcards.
I'm studying the indigenous people of that particular region this term.
- Do you want some Bolly, darling? - Yes, just a smidge.
It would be really great to be able to go there and study.
- You don't go Marrakech to study, darling.
- No, you don't! There are lots of reasons to go to Marrakech and studying is not one of them.
You go to Marrakech for drugs, dirt-cheap plates and rugs.
Easy-going sex with gorgeous under-age youths.
Sex changes, doesn't it, Pats? Well, not now anyway.
Still, darling, you don't go there to study some ingenious peasants! - It would really help me with my course.
- No, no, no.
- What? - Mum No, Eddie! No, to whatever she's going to say! - I'm talking to my mother! - Say no, Eddie.
- What? - Just tell her no.
- I don't understand! - Let me go to Morocco.
Why not let her go to Morocco? We're going to Marrakech.
It's in Morocco! She is trying to slime her way onto a trip, and we don't want it.
- But, Mum! - Don't you "But, Mum" her! - Not once do I get to come! - I don't want her to come! - Just do whatever you want.
- Eddie! Well But as your mother, I cannot be held responsible for your well-being.
If you come with us, you're on your own.
Oww! - She burnt me with her cigarette! - Accident.
# No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no! # No, no, no! There's no limits! # Bubble! Bubble! Listen, darling.
I need to sort out the Pop-specs business before I go.
- Have you switched everything off upstairs? - Yes.
- Let's go before she gets back.
- No, stay.
You've got to get the information and figures and things by next week.
Yes, it's right here.
- Car's here! - You left the shower and some bubbly mush on! It was bikini wax for you, unless you're happy with those sideburns.
- She's not travelling Club, is she? - No, I put her into Economy.
Practically cargo.
- You have got the information, haven't you? - Most of it, yes.
- Or until the special thing broke.
- Mum.
! - Hang on.
What thing? - The thing that's attached to the typewriter.
Little animal with a ball.
- What animal? - Little animal, small.
Creeps about, not a rat.
- Gerbil.
- Squirrel? Hedgehog? Don't panic or we'll never get anywhere.
- A mouse.
- Yes! The mouse.
- That's got a telly with VD.
- The VDU.
The word processor.
Yes.
That fell off the table when I took the mouse home.
Eddie, get rid of her! I'm running to a very tight schedule.
Hang on, I'm coming.
This is important.
You broke the computer?! - Yes! - When? Who can say? Listen, you bloody brainless bimbo, I need this client! I don't need some bollocky vegetable Yankee-bloody-doodle to mess it up for me! - She's talking to you.
- Just go, just go, just go.
Have you got everything? - Yes.
Got everything.
Tickets! Money! Passport! Where is the photographic equipment? Where's the luggage? I am sorry.
The equipment must have gone to Tangiers.
The rest, I don't know.
Pop-specs! Got it! Mum! That's my bag.
- Unclaimed! - Mum! Help Mummy, darling! It's all right, Ed.
Just give me your hand.
Leave it to them.
They can sort it out.
Take that look off your face.
I've got stuff in here you can borrow.
- I'd rather wear a yashmak.
- That can be arranged.
Just get in the cab and just go, sweetie.
Prepare yourself for the heat.
You're not used to it.
- Wake up, Mum.
We're here.
- Where? - I'm never going out again.
- Shut up and come on.
- Shower! - Have you seen Humphrey? Humphrey est here? Thank you, darling.
Blup-blup-blup! - Want some of this? - No, thank you! Go on, go on.
It's legal here, so you can't disapprove.
In fact, it's compulsory, darling.
They'll bust you for not having one of these down here.
We've been here an hour and already Patsy's got some stuff.
Actually, I brought these with me, Eddie.
Ah, this is the life! Yes, this is the life.
God, it's all coming back to me now.
- The noise, the smell.
- Yes.
It's like everything is on heat.
- Remember that sofa and those tiles? - Gorgeous.
You know, you can't get those tiles and fired earth for love nor money any more.
Even in Holland Park, darling.
It's ridiculous.
Over here they're just hanging around on people's walls.
- Even on peasant's walls.
- Yes.
We dragged these people screaming into the 20th century.
We gave them all the mod cons.
We gave them the non-squat toilet.
Toilet tissue, darling.
How'd you think they used to wipe their bottoms? Old bits of huff-hoof.
Now they can't even be bothered, sweetie, to send us a few cracked old craft tiles! I'm fed up with it! - Are you going to change? - I haven't got anything! I thought Patsy offered you the shoot clothes? As long as she shaves her scabby armpits! And doesn't sweat over everything.
- I washed these.
- Have you got a travel-wash with you? If you could try to look a little less like a Christian missionary, we'll all be a lot safer.
They're all Muslims round here, you know.
Wow! Oh, darling, look at those stars.
It's like talcum powder, isn't it? It's just like it goes on forever.
- Shooting star! - Where? - Where, where? - No, now it's gone.
Say it quicker next time you see it.
Mum! Mum, help me! Mum! - Help me! Mum! - What's happening? She's being humped by some laundry! - Humphrey! Darling! - Good Lord, I didn't see you there.
- I'm so sorry.
- It's only Saffy.
- Humphrey! - I had a couple of drinks and from behind is the only way she'll ever stand a chance.
- I'm very embarrassed.
- That's OK.
I hope you didn't think I was some kind of dirty old man.
Oh, good! Because that would never do.
I say! You're like your mother.
A Bordeaux.
Thank you.
Now - Would you like to try a local speciality? - Yes, I'd love to.
You take a pot of scented honey mixed with goat's cheese yoghurt, sprinkled with almonds from the Atlas Mountains.
You spread it all over your naked nubile young body, and allow a man old enough to be your father to lick it off.
Just like her mother.
Tease, tease, tease.
Are you feeling all right, darling? Eat up your little cake.
Go on.
I'm sorry you got off to such a bad start with Humphrey, darling.
- And then, you know, then - Cigar, old man? When we first came over, it was so beautiful.
Just like a little, tiny little oasis here.
Yes, with like a town.
You'll find a couple of quite decent five-star international hotels.
- And an airport.
- Yes, all right! I was trying to be poetic, but I'm studying the indigenous population of the area.
The tribes.
You won't find any of them left.
They're all gone.
They are just a distant memory.
- And then the Berbers.
- I don't remember them.
American couple.
I think I met them at a cocktail party.
The reason people came here no longer exists.
You can get everything you want here anywhere else much cheaper.
- Yes.
Safer.
- What? - Come on, darling.
Sing.
- Yes, come on, Pats.
Let's do that Sonny and Cher number.
# They say I # Hang on, I'll just get this chord right.
# They say # No.
Patsy, old chap.
Shall we leave the girls to it? Let's do that, old boy.
- Mum, that was Patsy? - It was only for a year and then it fell off.
I think I'm going to be sick.
Help me.
How are you feeling? I'm feeling good, babe.
Seen Saffy this morning? Little toad.
Don't worry.
I don't think she remembers anything about last night.
Hush! Here she comes! Hi, sweetie.
Did you find the swimsuits? - Haven't you got any low-cut ones? - I haven't got any knee-length ones, no.
- Have you got cream on, Mum? - Olive oil.
Want some? - I think I might have a swim first.
- All right, sweetie.
Take this off! We're just looking at you, darling.
Quite big tits.
Mum! You should have a wax.
That "delapidatory" cream is no good at all.
You can't just sit by the pool all day.
We could be anywhere.
- I'm not moving.
- We want to recharge after our journey.
- You deserve it.
- And what about all the shopping? Shopping? Yes, we should.
- We should go shopping, Patsy.
- Oh, I think so.
Before you know it, they've found the bloody equipment.
- I wish you'd cover yourself up, Mum.
- These people don't mind.
I've got to get some jewellery, boxes, bowls, plates, rugs.
What about you, Pats? - I'll just get some little gorgeous things.
- We should've got a guide.
I know this place, darling.
I know these people.
What are they looking at? At you.
I know they're looking at me, darling.
You're never going to see any of these people ever again.
- Just stare! Hello! - You're asking for trouble.
You see, that's quite nice.
But that's two a penny in Liberty.
One of those khaftan things that the women wear.
That's just a pile of crap.
It's so touristy here now, isn't it? - I know.
It has changed.
- It used to be so chic down here.
Ow! That man pinched me.
Darling, don't worry.
He's obviously very old and completely blind.
He didn't pinch me! No one's pinched me yet! I don't want the bracelets.
You get those for a penny at Liberty.
No! Sweetie, darlings! - I'm starving now.
- Do you know what starving means? I'm hungry! I'm starving! - I'm starving! - Stop moaning! Let's go to the hotel and get a drink.
Don't they have any bars? - Where's Patsy? - Just shops with old dried-up things.
You should feel at home, then.
- Shall we go to the hotel and get a nice drink? - Yes, that'll be nice.
- If you're starving, you'd eat this.
- If they took the face off, I'd eat it.
I know where it is.
We go through these little stalls here.
We'll just go through here.
Here, darling.
Are you sure? Well, I don't know, do I? Hold your nose, darling.
Meat! Just over there.
Can you see? People keep taking things.
We're going over here.
Over there.
- I would if I could see where I was going.
- Stop moaning! I'm trailing behind this little insect.
Shut up! Where is Saffy? Saffy! Eddie! For a couple of hours.
She'll be all right.
That's the last time I ever set foot in a toilet bowl in north Africa.
I mean, how dare they spit at me?! A nation that has a pillowcase with a slit in it as a national costume.
We're back here with clean things, clean air.
Lovely peace and quiet.
Lovely gin and tonic.
I know.
But I still don't think you should've sold Saffy like that.
It wasn't just like that.
I had to haggle them up.
I got a good exchange rate.
- What did you get? - One sour-faced rat for 2,000 dirham.
She wanted to see how the real people lived.
I don't think white slave trade is quite what she had in mind.
- It's not as if she enjoyed a normal life anyway.
- It might bring something out in her.
She might live in painful servitude for the rest of her life.
Nothing is certain.
Not for any of us.
- Cheers, Eddie! - Cheers! - For madame.
- Mademoiselle.
I'll overlook it this time.
Patsy Stone.
Yes.
Oh, no! Are you sure? Damn! Damn! Damn! - Bad news, darling? - Yes, the equipment has turned up.
They shoot this afternoon.
I'm going to meet them by this wall.
- I don't have to come, do I? - If you want your sunglasses in the magazine.
- Have you eaten something? - No.
Not since 1973.
This is the wall.
I recognise it from the photograph.
I have to go to see some other people.
- "Vogue" will show you up in the mountains.
- "Vogue"? Yes.
And they have to arrange catering for a movie.
- What movie? - Life of Jesus Christ II.
- Who is Jesus these days? - Charles Dance.
- I'll come back and check on you later.
- No.
No.
Go away and don't bother coming back.
Just go and don't come back.
- Are you sure? - He's working for "Vogue", Eddie.
Have you seen the way these children are dressed? It's a hot country.
Why do they put them all in woolly jumpers? You'd think Gap would have spotted the hole in the market.
A population that's crying out for good quality, reasonable kids' casuals.
Oh, shut up, Eddie! - Do you think they're coming, Pats? - I need the loo.
- What are we going to do? - Bastard! Eddie, I really need to go to the loo now.
We'll just find a hotel or café or something.
You can phone, and I'll go to the loo.
There must be a centre of town somewhere up here.
Order some champagne, darling.
Just go on this side of the bloody road, darling.
The gutter is all right for you in London.
You go on the gutter in front of a whole party of your friends.
Now you're not going to dig a hole and just go here now.
Somewhere over there, somewhere.
This place is enough to make you want to call Sting.
Look, we'll just take what we need and dump the suitcase.
We'll be eating each other in an hour.
We're not going to be worrying about luggage.
- But which way do we go? - I don't know.
- Just follow a donkey, darling.
- There's a donkey.
- Excuse me.
- What is that smell? I don't know.
I think it's fish.
Ow! What's the matter now, darling? I thought it was my turn on the donkey.
You said it'd be my turn.
- I'm not moving.
- What's the matter with you anyway? Don't question me! There's no bell! Hello? Hello? - Have you got a toilet for madame? - Mademoiselle.
- Can't you just go in a hole somewhere? - Go on, Eddie.
Over there.
Come on! Just let me talk to them, sweetie.
Hotel? Hotel pour le madame? Oh, he could be a mass murderer for all we know.
Here? Are you kidding? This must be it.
Well, it looks fine, actually.
- Stop moaning, Eddie.
- I can't stay here! Ed, it's lovely.
Just let me in here.
I couldn't resist, darling.
Conran might want that, darling.
- The bloody donkey is gone! - Shit! It's my turn on the bloody donkey! Mum! Damn! Oh, darling! Sweetie.
- Where did you go? - How are you, darling? - Patsy.
- Yes, fantastic! Darling, darling! Well, what bad luck! It was a joke! I didn't think anyone would take you.
It's been a terrible holiday.
- It wasn't a holiday, Eddie! - It was a holiday! I haven't got any Pop-specs photos, any merchandise, any shopping.
The only thing I was in danger of sleeping with was a donkey, and even he did a runner.
You must have a good time in your few final days.
You must see the real Marrakech.
Everything from sabre-wielding horsemen to the Elizabeth Taylor caftan.
I'll read from the brochure: "Marrakech is an Elysium all of its own.
"Wickedly grinning old men, ready to haggle for hour after hour.
" I want to know as your mother.
"There's no end to the treats in store.
You'll be treated like film stars.
" Like Ava Gardner and companion.
Enjoy! Enjoy! I have to go and see a camel about a hump.
- Here you go.
- Fantastic! Get plugged in, sweetie.
Come on.
Wake up! Oh, God! Did I fall asleep here? Damn.
Wake up, Pats! Wake up, darling.
Let's catch up on a bit of luxury, sweetie.
I'm going to have some breakfast and sit by the pool.
We've got to go, it's Friday.
- Friday?! - You've been unconscious for three days.
No! What's that smell? Is that you, sweetie? That honey, yoghurty smell? Is that you?