According To Jim s02e03 Episode Script

Come on, Kyle, eat it, come on.
Hey Uncle Andy, will you play bicycle shop with me? No.
Please.
I don't really feel like it, Gracie.
Please, Uncle Andy, please.
(EXHALES) Okay.
Hi there, bicycle shop owner, my name is Andy.
I'd like to buy a new bike today.
We're closed.
Beat it! Cheryl, she did it again.
Nice.
Really good setup, baby.
(EXCLAIMS) Oh, baby! Hey, you're not Cheryl, but I'm okay with that.
(LAUGHING ANNOYINGLY) Hi, I'm Janet.
(LAUGHS) I'm Jim.
Hi, I'm Cheryl's brother, Andy.
We just moved here from Boston.
We bought the Novak place.
Oh! Right, right.
Hey, great pipes.
I used the bathroom one time during an open house.
You should thank him.
He drove away three potential buyers.
Just out of curiosity, you didn't use the hot tub, did you? No.
No.
Oh, good! You met the guys.
You still like me, right? (LAUGHS ANNOYINGLY) Um, here's the baby monitor.
Oh, thanks.
I'll bring this back just as soon as the movers replace ours.
Oh, no.
Don't worry about it.
We've got another set.
Jim, honey, they have the cutest little four-month-old named Jeffrey.
He has the cutest little apple cheeks.
You've got to go see him.
Yeah, that'll be fun.
Hey, does Jeffrey need a crib? 'Cause we have an extra one in the garage.
Oh, thanks, Cheryl, he's still sleeping in our room.
We have the most adorable bassinet with little duckies and bunnies on it.
I can't wait to see it.
Me too.
You've got the duckies and bunnies, right? Are they wearing hats? 'Cause that always creeps me out.
Well, I better be going.
It was nice meeting you all.
I'll see you and Cheryl on Tuesday night.
Tuesday night.
We're looking forward to it.
Tuesday night? Isn't she fantastic? She's great.
What's Tuesday night? We're going out with her and her husband.
You are going to love him.
You know what, Cheryl.
I just realized something, Tuesday night's not going to work out for me.
Why not? Because I don't wanna do this.
Well, I do.
Come on, honey.
These couple things never work out for us.
There's always one person that everybody ends up hating.
Yeah, I've noticed.
Oh, come on, honey.
I'm with kids all day, I just wanna go have a conversation with someone whose nose doesn't need wiping.
Andy, wipe your nose.
(LAUGHING) Oh, you're serious.
Cheryl, I have been with people all day long and I just wanna come home, sit in my chair with my beer, and listen to the happy sounds of my children playing off in the distance.
Honey, come on, everybody needs friends.
Even the Flintstones had the Rubbles.
This is where you're wrong because Fred and Barney were friends before they met their wives.
If Wilma and Betty tried to put them together, it wouldn't have worked out.
Is that true? Oh, yeah.
They were roommates in college.
Well, Jim, all I know is that you got to make six friends before you die, because I am not carrying your casket alone.
Hello! Aren't you forgetting someone? Dana and I are your couple friends.
Andy, you and Dana are my brother and sister.
You're not actually a couple.
But there are some folks in the mountain communities that would open their arms to you.
All right, Jim, here's the deal.
You've alienated pretty much every couple in the neighborhood.
We need this couple.
And we need them quick, before they start talking to people.
All right.
I'll eat with them, but I won't talk.
Perfect! This may just work out.
(CHERYL LAUGHING) You know, at least Oh.
Shh.
Shh.
Uh-uh.
(EXCLAIMS IN SHOCK) Where am I? Not in my chair anymore.
Oh, good.
You're up.
Hey, how were the kids? Oh, well, the girls went right to sleep.
And I haven't heard a peep from Kyle all night.
How was your date? We had a great time.
And get this, they really seemed to like Jim.
Really? JIM: Yeah.
Well, what's their secret? 'Cause I'm stumped.
And I think you liked them, too, didn't you, honey? Yeah.
No, no, no, I did.
Janet was very funny.
Yeah? And Ted was Yeah, he was all right for a Red Sox fan.
I just don't understand how those guys can delude themselves every year.
Hey, they're coming over for dinner on Saturday night.
Are you busy? Oh, no, not at all.
That sounds fun.
Hey, I can make a salad.
Great.
Why don't you drop it off and take the kids to a movie? What he's trying to say is that it's kind of a couples' night.
You know what, I'll have you and Andy over for dinner on Sunday night.
How's that sound? Forget it.
I don't want your pity.
Seven-ish? I'll bring a salad.
Thank you, Dana.
So So what? Can we state officially Oh, officially? Oh, yes.
Officially, for the record No, no, not for the record.
Oh, yeah.
Officially, for the record that we had a good couple experience? Yes.
(EXCLAIMS) I told you! We have couple friends.
We have couple friends.
Cheryl! All right, all right, all right.
We had a good time.
Yay! All right.
But you know what, I got to be honest with you.
Janet's laugh is a little annoying, don't you think? Oh, you think? (IMITATING JANET'S LAUGH) And what about those tinted contacts? I mean, come on, nobody's eyes are that blue.
Well, yours are.
Well, I'm blessed.
Hey, how about Ted's hair? Like that's real.
Oh, come on, you don't know that.
You're right.
Underneath that toupee could be a full head of hair.
JANET: (ON BABY MONITOR) I had a really , really good time tonight.
Who's that? Did you have a good time, baby? Sounds like Kyle's got a broad in his room.
TED: Yeah, Jim and Cheryl are great.
Oh, my God! We're picking up Ted and Janet on the baby monitor.
Oh, God, must be on the same frequency.
JANET: Seemed like you and Jim really hit it off.
TED: Yeah, I like him, I mean, for a Cub fan.
God, those guys are deluded.
Hey, the Red Sox have lost for the last 80 years.
Honey, they can't hear you, it's one way.
I know, but I got to defend the Cubs.
You know what, this is so wrong.
We've got to turn this off.
TED: Cheryl's beautiful, isn't she? What a gorgeous smile.
Wait maybe just one minute.
JANET: And her hair, it's so full and bouncy, I'd kill for hair like that.
(LAUGHING) Oh, so bouncy.
And she's so graceful.
She must have been a dancer or something.
Well, a cheerleader.
But you do have to know how to move.
TED: You know what I don't understand? JANET: What? TED: How does a guy who looks like that get a woman like Cheryl? Fair enough.
TED: And did you notice how he stared off in every direction when the check came? What? I thought I saw the mayor.
JANET: And what was the deal with his pants? TED: (LAUGHS) It's one thing to open up your pants after the meal, but he showed up like that.
(JANET LAUGHING ANNOYINGLY) Why didn't you tell me? Oh, honey, who notices anymore? Who notices? They noticed! Who are these people? They're nice to my face and then they trash me.
(LAUGHING) Oh, honey, they're just doing exactly what we did.
You said that thing about her laugh and his hair.
Now that's totally different.
How? Well, they couldn't hear me.
Cheryl, I don't like these people.
I don't wanna go out to dinner with them on Saturday night.
(STAMMERING) Honey They're not coming here.
No.
No, no, look, honey.
They obviously like us as much as we like them.
Let's just forget everything we heard tonight.
How? TED: Hey, you ready for bed? JANET: Ooh, look, honey, little Winston's waking up.
Great, they woke up their little kid.
But their kid's name is Jeffrey.
TED: Oh, looks like little Winston wants to come out and play.
What? Then who's little Oh, God.
Yeah.
Oh, God.
Oh, get it off! Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew! Thank you.
We don't need to hear that.
JANET: Honey, put some music on.
CHERYL: Off, Jim.
JANET: How could they not give me that promotion? For it to go to her of all people.
What did I miss? What did I miss? Tell me.
Tell me.
Wait till you hear this, Janet didn't get the promotion.
Damn! Looks like I owe you a buck.
JANET: It's not fair.
So who got it? Sylvia from accounting.
We hate her.
Oh! And guess who her sister is marrying.
Not Brad.
The same.
Mmm.
I'm gonna buy ice cream with this.
JANET: I don't know what I'm going to do.
She should just pursue her dream of becoming a veterinarian.
I should just pursue my dream of becoming a veterinarian.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, I thought I said no listening.
Oh, come on, it's all G-rated.
There's nothing about little Winston.
Well, in this house we don't eavesdrop on other people's conversation.
Oh, yeah, you're right.
Your mommy would never do anything like that.
No.
By the way she's wearing green tonight, too.
Well, we'll both be wearing green, I don't care.
This is killing you, isn't it? (SCOFFS) I hate you! And that's why I'm no longer welcome in Frontierland.
(ALL LAUGH) Oh, that is so funny, Jim.
Cheryl, Ted and I were just saying what a wonderful smile you have.
Oh, stop it.
You're gonna make me self-conscious.
Hey, Ted, do you know what I like about these new pants? Sturdy buttons.
You know, sometimes you get those cheap pants and they open up on you and make you look like a slob.
You know what I'm saying, Ted? I guess.
Yeah, sure you do.
Honey.
Honey, would you come in the kitchen and help me with the hors d'oeuvres? Sure, sure.
And, hey, by the way, you know what? I'm a little upset with you about the other night, you know, beating me to the check like that.
Next time, no restaurants around City Hall.
(LAUGHS) (LAUGHING) We have got to stop this, we're getting way too obvious.
We have to stop talking about anything we heard on that stupid monitor.
Okay, okay.
All right, all right, all right.
But, you know what, I really do like these new pants, so I may talk about that.
Okay, honey, would you please take these out there while I get the rest of this set up? Okay.
Thank you.
Oh, boy, you're gonna love these.
Hey, Ted, can I interest you in a little Winston? CHERYL: Oh, my God! What? What did you say? Weenie, weenie, he said "little weenie.
" No, no, no.
Yep.
No, no.
He said "little Winston.
" No, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
Why would I say "little Winston"? We don't even know what that means.
No.
Did you tell Cheryl? No! Well, how else could she possibly know? I don't know.
Jim, talk about your pants.
I love my pants.
Does everyone in the world have to know about my inadequacy? Ted, wait.
You're not inadequate.
You're fine for me.
Oh, little Winston.
Yeah, Jim, this is great.
Here we are again, our neighbors have stormed out, I'm upset, and you're finishing hors d'oeuvres.
We each have our strengths.
We had couple friends for exactly a day and a half.
Beats our old record.
Put a sock in it.
Do you see right there? That kind of sass is what chases couples away.
Jim, you know what? You did this on purpose.
You did.
You didn't want couple friends so you sabotaged this whole thing.
Me? Sabotage? Yeah! Come on, you're the one who made me bring out the little weenies.
(EXCLAIMS) How am I not supposed to think of little Winston? You should have served something else like shrimp.
No, that wouldn't have been any good, either.
TED: Forget it, Janet.
I don't wanna talk about it anymore.
JANET: Ted, I swear, I didn't say anything.
I would never tell anyone.
TED: You told your sister.
JANET: Well, that's different, I tell her everything.
See? She's a loose cannon.
No! She would have eventually told us.
TED: Well, I hope you're happy.
I'll never be able to look at those people in the face again.
JANET: Where are you going? TED: I'm gonna sleep downstairs tonight.
Wow.
This is terrible.
TED: I can't stand this, I got to find out the truth.
I'm going back over there right now.
Oh, my God.
He's coming over.
JANET: Well, I'm going with you.
Okay, they're both coming over.
What are we going to do? Well, I could always take my shirt off.
That always chases the Jehovah's Witnesses away.
You know what we need? We need a good lie.
A good lie.
All right.
You got one? Oh, don't look at me.
This is not my area.
This where you shine.
I don't know if I necessarily shine Jim.
All right, all right.
Focus.
All right, let me think here.
I got it.
Well, she told her sister, right? Right.
All right, we just say the sister told us.
We don't even know the sister, that's a terrible lie.
Well, I can't come up with a masterpiece on the spot.
I didn't eat dinner.
I'm hungry.
My (DOORBELL RINGS) Shh.
They're here.
What are we going to do? Let's pretend like we're not here.
They can see your head.
All right, Cheryl.
We both know what we have to do.
(SIGHS) Oh.
(SIGHS) All right.
Stay strong.
Okay.
Stay with me.
I got you.
Hi, we know why you're here.
And we're going to tell you the truth, earthlings.
I can't believe it.
You listened to all our private conversations.
No, no, no.
Just the ones in the bedroom.
We are so sorry.
We never meant for any of this to happen.
Really, you know, we are good people.
Yeah, we are great people.
I mean, every year we leave a big box of crap out for the veterans.
Ted, we had a great time with them and they seem to be genuinely sorry.
Well Come on.
Yeah, we do really like you guys and we so want to be friends.
Yeah, just stay for dinner.
You know, you guys, what we heard will never leave this room.
Never.
It is forgotten.
Boom! Gone! Hey, hey, what are you doing back from the movie so soon? Dana forgot her glasses.
Oh, my God, you must be Ted and Janet.
So, I'm Dana.
I feel like I already know you.
Hi, Ted, I'm Andy.
Hi, Andy.
You know, um, I call mine the Duke.
(LAUGHS) Get out.
What did he say? (DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES) That's great! The whole family knows.
Let's go, Janet.
No, no, no, no, no.
All they know is that Sylvia is a backstabber, and you really wanna be a veterinarian.
And by the way, you go girl.
Goodbye, Cheryl.
No, no, no.
Hey, I made fettuccini.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Look, I know this personal thing about you, this, you know, embarrassing thing, this, I guess, humiliating thing Jim And so I'm thinking, why don't I just tell you something like that about me and then we'd be even.
What do you say to that? Yeah.
I Oh, come on, I got something that'll blow your socks off.
Okay.
Okay, but it better be really humiliating.
It is.
Okay.
Uh This is really hard to say.
It's okay, honey, go ahead.
(SIGHS) Okay.
Cheryl had a nose job.
What? All right, let's eat.
I didn't have a nose job Oh, you did so.
I did not.
I had a deviated septum.
The doctor said that as long as he was going to break my nose, he may as well Ted, what do you think? No, I'm sorry.
Nose job is just not gonna do it.
I'm sorry, Cheryl, we really wanted this to work out.
No, no, no, no.
Jim, get out here.
One second.
Seriously, if you guys could just stay here just one second, seriously.
There's fresh coffee in the kitchen.
Help yourselves.
What the hell is the matter with you? I was trying to support you there.
I totally put myself on the line for you.
How did you put yourself on the line? Well, I had to come up with something, and I haven't had corrective surgery.
(GASPS) You know, Jim, Ted and Janet are about to go, and they are never coming back.
But you know what really hurts me? I turned to you for help and you just You humiliated me.
What? Yeah.
Thanks for being there for me, Jim.
(SIGHS) Come on, Cheryl, you know I didn't mean to hurt you.
Well, you did.
Okay.
Are you sure this is the couple you want? Yeah.
You're not gonna get tired of them in a week? No, Jim, come on.
It can't just be you and me for the rest of our lives.
Why not? Oh, honey.
I'll kill you.
(LAUGHS) All right.
I'll do my best.
Thanks for waiting.
Now, how about this? I haven't even told Cheryl this.
I went to see Spider-Man and it was sold out.
And the only movie I could go see was the Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood.
And I cried.
No.
Ya-ya.
You know, so you cried at a chick flick, big deal.
Come on, come on, honey.
I'm sorry.
Wait! Wait! Goodbye, Cheryl.
Bye, Janet.
Wait! Wait! No, it's over.
No, no, it's not over until I say it's over.
Ted! Janet! I I had a homosexual experience in college! Really? Yes! What was his name? Craig.
Howard.
Craig Howard.
Did you love him? Yes.
Works for me.
Let's eat.
Now, that was a masterpiece.
(SIGHS) Yeah.
Oh, what's the matter? I miss Craig.
(LAUGHING) So I'm going to need a lot of hetero sex to help me forget.
Oh, I see.
Well, I'll make you a deal.
I'll unbutton your pants later if you button them now.
Oh, damn! I had such high hopes for these pants.
CHERYL: (ON BABY MONITIOR) Oh, I really had such a wonderful time, tonight, Janet.
Thanks for having us over.
JANET: Sure, and I'm really glad we got past that awkwardness.
JIM: Amen to that.
(JANET LAUGHING) (PHONE RINGING) TED: Hello.
Yeah, just a minute.
Hey Jim, it's for you.
It's Craig Howard.
Says he's in town and he wants to go antiquing.
And tell him to wear his beret.
I want us to match.
(STIFLED LAUGHTER)