All In The Family s02e03 Episode Script

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made [ together .]
those were the days and you knew where you were then [ Archie .]
girls were girls and men were men [ Archie, Edith .]
mister, we could use a man like Herbert hoover again [ Archie .]
didn't need no welfare state [ Edith .]
everybody pulled his weight [ Archie, Edith .]
gee, our old lasalle ran great those were the days what the hell is going on down here? Oh, good morning, arch.
I hope the noise didn't disturb you.
Oh, no.
I enjoyed it.
That's why I came downstairs, so I could hear it better.
What are you doing? Oh, geez.
"Peace, yes.
Pentagon, no.
" Boy, you sure know how to start my day out, don't you? Hey, Edith.
Yeah, Archie! Here's your coffee.
This meathead here is aggravatin' me on an empty stomach.
Maybe that's because you haven't had your breakfast yet.
You figured that out, huh, Edith? Yeah.
Well, maybe there's something you could do about it.
Well, I could get you your breakfast.
You're a pip, Edith.
Now, where you goin' with the coffee? Oh, I'm sorry, Archie.
Here.
I'll get you your eggs right away.
I painted another one, Michael.
See? And it's dry now.
Oh, yeah, good.
Oh, another one.
Let me look at this here.
"Stop the military from wagin' war on us.
" Now, what are you doin', involving her in one of your pinko protests? Oh, don't worry, arch.
She's gonna stay home.
She's gonna type up my term paper.
She's not comin' with me.
And it isn't a pinko protest, daddy.
Well, what do you call it then? It just happens to be one of the biggest student demonstrations Against Pentagon control of our government this city has ever seen.
Ah, geez.
And what's more, I'm proud of my husband.
At least he takes some responsibility for what's going on in this world.
What about work? That's one of the things going on in this world.
When is he gonna take some responsibility for that? Daddy, he's busy with his books and his studying-- yeah, and all that commie crapola.
Get that treason off of my chair.
Arch, when are you gonna stop with this commie jazz? It's all over, arch.
The red scare's kaput.
Nixon's going to Peking, remember? Hold it, buddy.
He ain't there yet.
What's that supposed to mean? Five presidents have been warnin' us for the last 25 years Against them red chinks.
Now, nobody is gonna tell me that the signals is off now And a billion enemies is now our friends.
Oh, no.
Mr.
Nixon has got somethin' up the sleeve.
Yeah, like recommending they be admitted to the u.
N.
Oh, that'd be the day when this country sits down With a nation of chink ping-pong players who don't believe in God.
Daddy! Then why is Nixon going there If he doesn't intend to recognize them? Right! Listen, in the first place, he can't recognize 'em.
They all look alike.
And in the second place, you mark my words.
He's got some-- what do you call-- grand strategy there That he can't "revulge" to us as yet.
That's what it is.
I mean, otherwise, the past 25 years, the whole country should've stood in bed.
[ Sniffs .]
Geez, these sinuses are murder.
They fog up my whole head.
Well, that explains everything.
Funny.
Funny! Here's your breakfast, Archie.
Hey, Edith, let me ask you.
Did you open the bedroom window last night? Did I open the window? Are your sinuses bothering you? Yeah.
Your head all clogged up and you can hardly breathe? - Yeah.
- Then I opened the window.
Breakfast, everybody! Oh, ma, I hope you don't mind if I eat fast, but I don't wanna get there late with the signs.
Oh, what happens if you get there late, you gotta bring a note to your commissar? Ha ha.
All this marchin' and protestin', what does it get you, huh? Last week you was marchin' against poverty.
That's right, because last week, millions of Americans went to bed hungry.
Tell 'em not to march.
They won't work up such a big appetite.
I don't know why you're so upset, Archie.
I remember when you used to picket.
That was different, Edith.
I was walkin' a picket line for my union, and I wasn't out screamin' in the streets, blockin' traffic.
When we picketed, we done it the American way: On the sidewalks, dressed nice, walkin' up and down with our signs, peaceful, no violence.
Except when somebody crossed the line.
Then you broke his head.
It's the only way to teach a scab a lesson.
That was not violence, Edith.
That was education.
Besides, if you people think you're gonna get somewhere with your type of protest, I'm telling ya, youse are dreamin'! I was dreaming last night.
Ah, geez.
I dreamed-- [ Laughs .]
You'll never believe this.
Good.
Then there ain't no point in tellin' it.
I wanna hear the story, ma.
Tell me.
[ Edith laughs .]
I was in the miss America contest! [ Laughing .]
Who were you, Edith? Bert parks? No! Even Bert parks wasn't Bert parks.
He was senator proxmire.
I don't know who senator proxmire is, but I kept hearing his name on the radio all day yesterday.
And it's one of those words.
"Proxmire, proxmire, proxmire, proxmire, proxmire.
" Well, anyway, there I was, this beautiful girl in a bathing suit.
Oh, you were there too, Archie.
Another beautiful girl in a bathing suit.
Funny, funny.
Leave me out of your dreams, will ya? Oh, I can't, Archie.
You were one of the judges, and that made me feel better 'Cause I knew I could count on Archie's vote come hell or high water.
"Hell or high water"? Ma, I never heard you use an expression like that.
That was the theme song.
You sang it to me, Archie, in the rowboat just before you kissed me.
Come hell or high water I'll vote for you Edith, Edith! Please, please! If you got any pity in you at all, no more musical dreams, huh? [ Doorbell rings .]
That's probably Lionel.
Right on time.
Be right there, Lionel! Hey, come on in.
How's it going? Hi, Lionel.
Would you like a cup of coffee? No, thanks, Mrs.
bunker.
No, ma.
We gotta get goin'.
Let's go.
I don't know if I'm in that big a rush, Mike.
I've been thinking about passin' up this demonstration.
Hey, hey, what's this I hear? Here's a guy that knows his onions over here.
You know, youse people got more brains than they give youse credit for, Lionel.
Hey, Lionel, how come you changed your mind? 'Cause he's smart, that's why, meathead.
Minorities like Lionel, they gotta be careful about calling attraction to themselves.
You know, there are some whites that got it in for your coloreds.
That's why your coloreds have to behave better.
They gotta act nicer.
They gotta try harder.
Yeah, that's right.
We's like avis.
Check.
Look, Mike, the reason I was thinkin' of not goin' is, see, I was talkin' to my cousin Spencer on the police force-- hey, Lionel, I didn't know you had a cousin a cop.
I never heard that.
Yeah, well, he the white sheep of the family.
Anyway-- anyway, Spencer's been called to a special detail down at the u.
N.
There's a couple of big groups gonna be counterprotesting, - and they're expecting some trouble.
- Maybe you better not go.
Gloria, I gotta go.
I promised I'd be there.
Come on, Lionel.
Leave him alone! Why should he go down there and picket the military? The military's been damn good to his people-- taking 'em off the streets, giving 'em three squares a day, lotta fancy uniforms.
Allowing 'em to die in Vietnam.
Well, now, Lionel, you gotta take the bad with the good.
Archie, good is not spending over 50 cents out of every dollar on the military.
The military gives jobs.
How's his people gonna find work if you cut off them jobs at the source? But, Archie, I don't want the source of jobs to be the military.
That's just the kind of thinking I'm going downtown to protest.
Yeah, well, he ain't going with you.
Yes, I am.
Huh? You convinced me to go.
How'd I do that? Just logic, Mr.
bunker.
I mean, you got it up here.
You ready, Mike? Yeah.
Michael, Michael, please don't go.
Gloria, honey, don't worry.
Everything's gonna be all right.
Talk to you later.
Come on, Lionel.
Bye, everybody.
Oh, thanks for straightening me out, Mr.
bunker.
[ Door closes .]
That Lionel's a funny kid.
Sometimes I can't dope him out.
Ma, I'm worried.
I don't think he should've gone.
He could get hurt or arrested.
Listen, listen, nobody gets arrested in this country unless they deserve it.
If he don't go callin' cops "pigs" Or none of them other epaulettes, he'll be all right.
[ Phone ringing .]
Hello.
Oh, hello, Mrs.
Jefferson.
No, no.
He just left with Michael.
Oh? Oh, yeah? Oh, don't worry.
I'm sure they'll be all right.
Bye.
Ma, that was Lionel's mother.
She said Spencer called, and they put on 200 extra police down at the u.
N.
They're expecting big trouble.
Oh, my! Daddy, will you run after Michael And stop him before he gets on the subway? He's already at the subway.
Well, then go down to the u.
N.
And bring him home.
Are you kiddin'? Me go to a commie demonstration? Wild hornets couldn't drag me there.
Ma, get daddy to do it, please? I'm scared.
You better go down there.
Why don't she go down there herself? Because he won't like my interfering.
I know him.
He won't even listen to me.
Do you think he's gonna listen to me? I've been living with him a year, he ain't heard a word I said yet.
Daddy, I've seen it on the newsreels.
They beat those kids with clubs and they haul 'em into jail Like they were-- hold it, hold it.
Never the good kids.
Only the troublemakers.
No.
In Washington.
I saw it on tv.
Why, they took hundreds of 'em in Who just seemed to be standin' watchin'.
Edith, that was Washington.
This is New York.
Daddy, listen, if Michael gets arrested, they'll book him and fingerprint him and it'll be on his record, and then when he goes to look for a job-- when? When? When? All right.
All right.
Since I don't have a father, I'll do it myself.
And what's that supposed to mean, you ain't got a father? I said I'll go down there myself.
No! Now, Gloria, wait, please! Archie, it's too dangerous.
Don't let her do it.
What kind of talk is that out of her, she don't have a father? Well, maybe she means she don't have one when she needs one.
And what are you doin', takin' her part? Yeah.
I'm going! And I'm going with you! What do you mean, you're going? Who's gonna make lunch around here? Come on, ma.
We'll find him.
Hold it.
H-hold it! Hold it! Now youse ain't goin'.
[ Both .]
Yes, we are! No, youse ain't goin' 'cause I'm goin'.
Oh, daddy, thank you.
Thank you, Archie.
Forget about that.
No thanks required.
I'm gonna miss that ball game on television today.
I'm gonna miss my lunch, not that anybody cares.
Oh, we care, daddy.
Get away from me.
Oh! What's the matter, Gloria? Ma, they should've been home by now.
Oh, now, Gloria, don't worry.
I'm sure Mike is all right.
Let's turn on the tv.
Maybe there's some news.
Oh, the news ain't on now.
Now you got bright promise, secret storm and the newlywed game.
But if something was happening, they'd break into the program with a special bulletin.
Oh, I don't think they're allowed to break in on the newlywed game.
Sit down, Gloria.
Now, let's talk about something else, something that'll take your mind off Mike.
I don't think I can, ma.
Gloria, do you remember tubby Mr.
Murdoch? Tubby Mr.
Murdoch.
We used to live next to them On union street when I was about 11.
That's right, in the apartment that always smelled like vinegar.
Yeah.
Well, if I was to tell you a secret About tubby Mr.
Murdoch and your father And a lie I told this morning.
- You told a lie this morning? - Yeah, in my miss America beauty contest dream.
Tubby Mr.
Murdoch wasn't in the dream.
Yes, he was.
[ Giggles .]
He was the one that kissed me in the rowboat, not your father.
[ Laughing .]
Ma, no! His kiss was very vinegary.
Not tubby Mr.
Murdoch! I had to say it was your father Because if he ever heard that anybody else kissed me in a rowboat, even in a dream, he'd have a fit! He sure would! That's funny! I'm glad you liked it.
And see how it took your mind off Mike? Oh, Gloria, I'm sorry.
Oh, Michael.
Let me fix you a cup of tea.
That'll make you feel better.
All right, ma.
Michael! Where have you been? Look at your shirt! What did they do to you? What happened? Well, Gloria, it-- first, it started out peaceful.
You know, we just sort of, you know, marching up and down in front of the u.
N.
But then this other group comes along and they start protesting against us.
And then this guy from this other group jumps up on his buddy's shoulders, rips open his shirt, and right there it says, "America.
Love it or leave it.
" A real tattoo burned right into his chest.
And then a guy from our group jumps up, and he says, "oh, yeah? Well, we love it, so why don't you leave it?" And then, before you know it, Gloria, there's food and rocks And bottles flying all over the place like you can't believe it.
And then the cops started comin' in, and there were hundreds of 'em.
So Lionel and I, w-we started to run, but just as we turned around, Gloria, standing there, right in front of us, was the biggest, tallest, meanest cop With this gigantic head and a face like ed Sullivan.
And just as he was about to grab us, from out of nowhere comes this naked lady.
A naked lady? Yeah! There was this beautiful naked lady, and she comes right up to ed Sullivan, jumps in his arms and punches him right in the face.
Couldn't believe it.
But Lionel and I figured this is our chance to get away, so we dropped down to our knees, and we start crawling out of there Between hundreds of legs as fast as we could and we escaped.
Do we have any cheese? I'm hungry.
Oh, yeah.
I'll get it right away.
Oh, Mike! Where's Archie? - Archie? - Michael, I forgot to tell you.
I sent daddy down there to look for you.
Why? 'Cause I was worried.
Yeah, but, Gloria, how could he find me? I mean, the place was a madhouse.
People running around, yelling screaming.
The cops arresting everyone.
Oh, boy.
Aw, geez! Officer! Officer! Officer, get me out of here! You again? I told you before, bunker, I don't want any more trouble from you.
Officer, come here a minute, huh? Hey.
Look at this here.
So? What do you mean, so? That's the American flag there.
Very nice.
How much? I don't wanna sell it.
This means I'm an American.
So am I.
So were they.
Yeah, but I ain't one of them.
I was just an innocent stand-byer.
Are you trying to tell me that police arrest innocent citizens? I never said that.
And I thought you said you was an American.
I am.
Then don't be hidin' behind the American flag In order to smear the police.
Overpaid knucklehead.
[ Inhaling .]
[ Groaning .]
Ah, leave me alone with that.
Ohh! Ohh! Hey, man, you're gonna blow your mind sniffin' that stuff.
Huh? Bad trip, baby.
Real bummer.
That stuff is worse than droppin' acid.
What the hell are you talkin' about? Stick with grass, man.
It's organic.
It's sniffin' that that's makin' you so hostile.
This here is medicine, buddy.
It's all medicine.
That cat's gonna blow holes in his head.
Don't do that to yourself, brother.
[ "Jesus Christ superstar" .]
Huh? Put that away, brother.
Take a trip with God.
What are you talkin' about? Jesus Christ superstar I'm talkin' about the Jesus trip, brother.
Hey, let me ask you.
Is that noise comin' off of you somewhere? Oh, geez! Turn that racket off, huh? Jesus Christ superstar racket? No.
That's "Jesus Christ superstar," brother.
It's Sunday.
I know it's Sunday, and that ain't Sunday music.
It's unreligious.
Now, turn it off, huh? You mean, you actually don't dig "Jesus Christ superstar"? Jesus Christ I dig, and I dug him a long time before you weirdos Turned him into a superstar.
Now will you get that away from me and turn it off! [ Stops .]
Brother, you walk in darkness.
All over the world, this music is turning young people on to Christ.
Praise the lord! Amen! Right on! And you condemn it.
Let me tell you something.
Christ don't want you turnin' on to him.
He wants you comin' to him on your knees, not wigglin' and jigglin' till your parts fall off.
Oh, look at this now! [ Wailing .]
Beautiful! Bunch of creeps! What's the use in talkin' to youse? What a generation! We try to learn youse somethin', try to teach you some religion, drag youse off to church, and what do you do? You give us back the son of God like he's some kind of engelbert what's-his-dinck.
[ Murmuring .]
Oh, it ain't no use.
Get away from me! Get away from me! Get lost! Hey, officer! Get me out! Quiet down! You too, bunker! I can't stay in here no more! I was just comin' to get you.
You're kiddin'.
I'm gettin' out? You're gettin' out.
Let me out of here.
Hey, how about me? Ah, gee, am I glad to be seein' the last of youse! We'll meet again, brother! [ Yelling .]
You wanna sign these release papers? Yeah, sure.
Sergeant, is my father all right? Don't worry, little lady.
He's fine.
There you go.
"Stivic.
" You Polish? Yeah.
Why? Glad to you know ya.
Pulaski.
Paul pulaski.
Oh, hi.
How are ya? Yeah.
What, were you born here? Yeah, but my folks came from Kraków.
No kiddin'.
That's where my old man comes from.
Yeah? Hey, how do you like that! Here he is, sarge.
Oh, daddy! Are you all right? How'd you get here? Tryin' to find your husband.
Well, they can't arrest you for that, can they? The sarge is waitin' to see you, bunker.
Try not to be the jerk you was inside, huh? Callahan! Who do you think you're talkin' to? Now apologize to Mr.
bunker.
But, sarge, all I said was-- all right.
I apologize.
Sorry about that, Mr.
bunker.
That's all right, sarge.
No hard feelings.
I was always a friend to the cops, even that time when you was threatenin' to go on strike and everybody hated your guts.
Always supported them.
I always said, "this city would be a jungle - If it wasn't for New York's finest.
- Well, we try.
That's what I try to keep telling this dumb polack son-in-law of mine.
This dumb what? Polack.
[ Chuckles .]
Say it a little louder, arch.
Sgt.
Pulaski didn't hear you.
Uh-oh! I got a little bad news for you, bunker.
I'm not at all sure that your release papers are in perfect order.
Callahan! Sarge, uh-- now, bunker, I hope you realize that a big, dumb polack like me Could easily make a mistake, right? Yeah, sarge? Oh, Callahan, would you take these papers down to officer Murphy And have 'em typed up all over again.
Officer Murphy? The one who types with one finger? That's right.
And have him be ever so careful.
Right, sarge.
Don't worry, bunker.
With any luck at all, you should be out within three or four hours.
Here's your beer, Archie.
And another sandwich, daddy, just the way you like it.
I wanna tell youse all you got a lot to answer for.
Especially you, meathead.
It was all your fault.
- Me? What did I do? - You was born a polack.
That's what you did.
That's why I had to stay in that station house for three hours, starin' at that big, dumb sergeant 'cause you didn't warn me.
What did you want me to do, arch? Send up a signal flag saying, "shut your dumb mouth.
Sgt.
Pulaski's Polish"? Instead of being mad at Michael, you ought to thank him.
- He bailed you out.
- How much the bail bond cost us? - Nothin'.
- What do you mean, nothin'? Them bondsmen don't hand over their shekels for nothin'.
Yeah, but I didn't go to a bail bondsman.
I got the money from the freedom fund.
- The which? - It's money used to free protestors who get arrested.
You're out of jail courtesy of your friends, arch-- the pinkos, the meatheads and the freaks.
[ Announcer .]
All in the family was recorded on tape before a live audience.