Alpha House (2013) s02e03 Episode Script
The Contest
It's been nothing but downside since that spot went up, sir.
The the Governor denounced it.
There've been a bunch of editorials.
- The meeting's still on? - Yes, sir.
Your car will pick you up at 2:00.
Hey, Gil John.
- Who was that? - Senator Robeson, sir.
Hi, Elliot.
Why are you riding that thing? 'Cause it's good for the environment.
- So is walking.
- Takes too much time.
How about our girls, huh? I mean, are they something? - Our girls? - Well, Charlotte and Charity.
"The Real Daughters of D.
C.
" Charity's on that show too? On it? She's the first hire.
- She's gonna play the wild one.
- Charity's not wild, is she? No, no.
That's what she's playing.
What is my daughter playing? Oh, Charlotte's playing the angry one, sir, according to TV Guide, anyway.
The "angry" one? What's she got to be angry about? You'll find out soon enough, along with the rest of the country.
- What's she been up to? - Nothing.
She dropped out of U.
C.
Santa something to focus on her personal brand.
Well, it looks like it all paid off, 'cause our kids are gonna be stars.
Now, how trippy is that? See you later, D.
C.
dad.
Keep it real! Have you ever wondered what the deal is with that rigid plastic packaging they have these days? - That's not the joke.
- Oh.
Sorry, daddy.
"Rigid" is just such a funny word.
That packaging is so frustrating to open, Wikipedia has a term for it "wrap rage.
" Not yet.
I mean, getting the contents out of one of those puppies is harder than getting a bill out of Congress.
Boom! But, seriously.
Oh, for the that's it.
That's the joke.
It's topical.
Oh.
I thought you were going for observational humor, daddy.
Quite the head fake.
You're going to kill it, sir, but maybe I could, uh Punch up your material a bit for you.
I mean, even the president has help.
Obama's not naturally a funny man.
Well, I am, and I want a clean win as the funniest celebrity in Washington Unassisted.
- Sir? - Hmm? The conference we're going to be late.
Oh.
What's the deal with punctuality? Who's got the time? - Butter dump.
- It's ba-dum-bump, sir.
- This is it? - Yes, sir - 3414 North Fairfax.
- It's a parking garage.
You're to meet the Watt brothers on level B2, space 37.
I don't believe this.
Hello? Shelley? Saul? - You're late.
- Traffic.
No fucking way to run a campaign.
- Were you followed? - Drones? Are you kidding me? We can't meet with you face-to-face.
You know the rules, so we're not here.
You're here, but we're fucking not.
- So what do you want? - What do I want? I want that piece-of-crap ad off the air.
What, too negative? Did we go too negative for you, Senator? 'Cause I got to tell you, the base loves it.
I don't care what the base loves.
You smeared a war hero.
It's supposed to be about issues.
Issues? Ha! Are you for real? The only way to stop the cock-sucking collectivists who are ruining this country is to separate them from their balls.
Did you not understand that? You two are sick puppies.
We're done.
I don't have a problem with that.
You have a problem with that, Saul? I fucking don't.
We shouldn't be talking to you, anyway.
- See you, Senator.
- Yeah, see you, Senator.
Ah, what an ungrateful fuck.
I don't believe this shit.
- Do you believe this shit? - I fucking don't.
So, at Secretary Hagel's direction, we have begun to review our policy on transgender service members.
We are at last directing our attention to the "T," the final letter of LGBT.
There are an estimated Doesn't LGBT sound like a multivitamin? Write that down.
As President Obama observed, valor knows no gender.
The Navy officer now known as Kristin Beck served with distinction for years on the all-male seal team six.
So let me ask you this, Colonel Drake, is it? Yes, sir.
Drake As in the male duck? - Yes, sir.
- Very good.
Now, Colonel, so I have this straight not in a sexual sense, of course, I mean in the interests of clarity are you a man who thinks he's a lady or a lady who's already been turned into a man? Very convincingly, I should add, if if that's the case.
Neither, sir.
I'm a gay man.
Oh.
Interesting.
- Senator? - Madame Chairma woman? Do you have another question? Your time is about to expire.
I do.
Colonel Drake, don't you think that if some of our male soldiers were actually females and vice versa that there would be a lot of wild speculation that could be detrimental to good order? I'm not sure I understand the question, sir.
Well, I do, and it's stupid.
- What the hell, Louis? - Rose.
What I'm trying to understand here is how our troops are supposed to tell what's new and what's original equipment.
Okay, that's it for today.
The committee will reconvene tomorrow at 10:30.
What? Those uniforms are baggy.
That's a darling outfit, Ms.
de Portago.
Where did you find it? Ay, Cherry Bomb boutique Miami Beach.
Well, it's just perfect for there.
- But the wedding's here, right? - Yeah, at the HayAdams.
Hay-Adams, the old standby.
Great choice, you two.
We certainly won't have any trouble booking.
- Oh, we've already inquired.
- I'll double-check.
Anton and I went to U.
V.
A.
together.
He can make the Lafayette room happen and see that you get the good linens.
We wouldn't get the good linens? On your own? Maybe.
But that's what a wedding planner's for.
Did you get a quote from the hotel? Of course.
It's within our budget.
- And what would that be? - $3 million.
That's a little misleading.
800K of that's for Pitbull.
So this would be the wedding of the year, - I'm guessing.
- That's the plan.
What we need, Courtney, is someone who can manage not just a wedding, but a three-day celebration worthy of the next first family of the United States.
You may not be accustomed to coordinating on such a scale.
So, if you feel like you're in over your head here, it would be best if you told us that right now.
No, no, I We've heard such good things about you, Courtney, that you go all out to make your events the very best that they can be.
It's that kind of full-on ardor That's important to us.
Um, yes, of course, Senator.
I'm flattered.
Too early to be flattered.
Let's see what you can do first.
I got to go, but the senator he can look at the contracts and sign for us.
And I will talk to you later.
- Ciao.
- Yes, ciao.
- Ciao.
- What? Ciao also means "hello.
" Are you a good doggie? Excuse me? He doesn't bite, does he? Uh, no, ma'am.
- Senator Mower, sir.
- Senator Mower? Paul Mower's widow, Betty, who the Governor appointed? Oh, right.
- Jeez.
- Oh, oh.
Oh, no, Buster, Buster.
Oh, oh, oh.
- My hair.
- Betty, oh, I'm so sorry.
- Oh.
- Oh, goodness, are you okay? I'm fine.
I just didn't expect to get knocked down so soon after my hip replacement.
I really am sorry.
Buster is too.
Well, how you been doing, Betty? Are you finding your way around capitol hill all right? I am, except there are not enough stalls in the women's senators restroom.
- Are you aware of that? - I was not.
I didn't think so, which is why I'm making my inaugural floor speech on the issue.
Would you be a dear and look it over? I so value your advice, and I want to make a good impression my first time out.
Well, well, well, well Uh-huh.
It looks good.
Good.
A lot of good points here.
Should I keep in the part about the sanitary-napkin dispensers? Hard to say, Betty.
Sir, your wife.
Oh, Senator Mower.
It's the fabulous Tammy.
Mwah.
How are you, dear? Betty is that you? Maddie? Where are you? I'm in Raleigh, honey.
It's good to hear your voice.
Oh, you're in Raleigh.
Oh, my goodness.
Have you seen those terrible ads someone's running against that young war hero? So shameful.
So shameful! You must be outraged, Gil John.
Mm.
Well, I better get going over to the office.
The movers are coming by, and I've got to clean out Paul's drawers.
Good-bye, Maddie, dear! Good-bye, Betty.
- Tammy? - Yes, I will call over and make sure that somebody goes through those drawers before she does.
There could be lubricant.
I'm on it.
Wear gloves, Tammy.
- Little late for that.
- What? It's not called "after play.
" Oh, there wasn't time to do it in the right order.
Next time? I'm not really seeing a next time, are you? I am.
But I'm told I need help.
You do.
Definitely.
We're back with Governor Ed Rendell.
- So, still no debate, Governor? - No, Andrea.
No word on the debates yet, even after repeated requests.
The Senator seems to think he's got this one in the bag.
But I would offer a word of caution to my good friend Bobby Bettencourt.
- Bobby? - In case the word hasn't reached Washington yet, Pennsylvania courts have not looked kindly on voter suppression.
So if he thinks these new laws are gonna limit turnout, he just hasn't been paying attention.
Oh, that'll help.
Or you could try campaigning.
Why are you boosting flowers from our garden? I'm a neighbor with benefits.
Are you going to see Louis tonight? - See him do what? - Stand-up.
He's competing in the "funniest celeb in Washington" thing.
- That can't be true.
- And yet it is.
- Good morning, kids.
- Good morning, Senator.
Hey, Rosalyn, didn't hear the doorbell.
Oh, I didn't want to get you out of bed.
Andy, I am so looking forward to your wedding.
You're invited? I had no idea.
No, no.
I'll just be rubbernecking.
- Hmm.
- See you tonight, Robert.
You're going out? Eh, she wants to go to some comedy thing tonight.
Oh, you got to go, man.
Adriana and I are going.
It's gonna be a good time lots of booze, available women.
And it's Louis.
You can't say no.
- No.
- Buster.
Wait up, Gil.
Listen, we should leave by 8:00, which gives you 11 hours to get dressed.
Later, amigo.
Okay, we're live, Senator Stanchion.
Steve, trust me.
Hillary won't run.
The poor woman has been dealing all year with this constant drumbeat in the press.
It's brain damage this and head injury that.
Not that I necessarily think that she's addled, but she does seem sadly confused about the Benghazi cover-up.
Benghazi again? Not Obamacare? It's the homestretch.
Did we pivot and no one told me? Peg will attack anything Fox tells her to.
It must be Hillary week.
Hillary deserves our pity, not our scorn.
Jesus, what a piece of work she is.
As to whether she has brain damage or TBI or whatever the politically correct term is for a severe head wound in an elderly woman, we'll leave that to the experts.
What we do know from the don't ask, don't tell repeal was that it had zero impact on force-readiness.
We would expect the same outcome if we updated rules against our transgender troops.
Colonel, when you say there was no impact on readiness, you're saying that as a gay man, correct? No, sir, I'm saying that in my capacity as lead author on the Army D.
A.
D.
T.
study.
Who happens to be gay.
Sir, I assume my identification with the group under study was considered a qualification.
And how did that qualification come to be known? As soon as D.
A.
D.
T.
was repealed, I came out to my commander.
He walked out from behind his desk, shook my hand, and told me how happy he was that his best line officer was now free to be himself.
He gave me this command coin which I've carried with me ever since with more pride than I can convey, sir.
I would ask the chair to enter the Colonel's coin into evidence.
What is wrong with the gentleman? This isn't a damn trial.
I'd still like to see it.
Mr.
President, I ri I rise to take a stand on restroom parity.
Who's that? She looks familiar.
- Betty Mower.
- Widow of Happy Pants Mower? Governor appointed her to keep the seat warm until November.
For too long, there have been too few stalls in the Senate ladies' room.
I have brought a chart.
As you can see Would the "gentle-lady" from Idaho yield? Oh, I My time must be up.
So I yield to the "gentle-lady" from - North Dakota.
- Of course.
Yes.
Thank you.
Mr.
President, I have a few thoughts on making the Benghazi committee permanent so that future generations can investigate it.
But first, let me comment on what we've just heard here.
Once again, this chamber is subjected to pleading from a special interest.
What the hell? A woman member who is aggrieved by having fewer number of stalls as the men.
Why must women always play the victim? If there are not enough stalls in the ladies' room, do what I do use the men's.
She does.
It's this kind of entitled whining that has bankrupted this country showering favors on people who think they're owed something.
Really? You just took down a grieving widow on the Senate floor.
This brings me to Benghazi.
Interesting young man, a bit of a surprise no mannerisms that I could detect, not a trace of a gay accent.
Think how hard it must be to tone down something you're wired for.
It'd be like me trying not to come across as white.
I don't think he was trying to tone anything down, sir.
Don't be so sure, Julie.
Your lesbian accent isn't as pronounced.
Until you've walked in another man's pants, you can't really say.
You know, sir, it's just so fascinating to hear you sort through it all.
Look, Louis wears sacred underwear, okay? That's not an accusation, it's a fact.
He wears sacred underwear.
As a devout Mormon, he also believes that a convicted con man got golden tablets that no one else could see and sat down with an angel who told him the Jews in the Bible lived in North America.
No, no.
Let the man speak.
Louis actually believes that stuff, and he has every right.
But here's the thing.
I don't believe it.
I don't believe in crazy shit that never happened.
So voters in Nevada have a clear choice.
They can vote for someone who believes in bug-nutty, bat-shit, weird-ass, crazy shit, or they can vote for someone who doesn't.
I'm sorry, sir.
He goes too far.
Persecuted and reviled for over a century, and that's your best shot Mormonism is crazy? This from a guy who's in the pocket of big magic.
Well, good luck with that, my friend.
Senator Biggs, ma'am.
Gil John, to what do I owe? It's about your floor statement, Peg.
Oh, my God.
Who listens to floor statements? Well, I happened to catch yours.
You want to co-sponsor my permanent Benghazi committee? No, I want you to lay off Betty.
You had no reason to call her out like that.
Poor woman just wants to be able to take an honest leak without having to wait in line.
Not every woman knows how to use a urinal, Peg.
Gil John, Betty was standing in the well of the Senate pleading for special treatment I responded.
It's called debate.
You humiliated her.
That's not how senators handle things.
We don't make personal attacks.
You mean like that takedown of a medal of honor winner? I had nothing to do with that ad.
Oh, really? That's odd.
Saul and Shelley usually don't go where they're not invited.
Those two psychos were not invited to smear anybody.
They got they own greedy, evil-ass agenda.
They do what they want.
I don't need their help.
Hmm, and yet you have it, and your opponent's sinking fast best of both worlds, really.
Thanks for the civility lesson, Gil John.
I'll do my best to take it to heart.
Oh, my God.
Look at you hiding over here.
We're here to have fun, Robert.
- I am having fun.
- Yeah.
Look at all these fabulous ladies, hmm? When was the last time the love doctor hit on someone? 1978, but I really Uh, yeah, you know what you need? You need to be seen dancing with a gorgeous lady so then you become desirable for all the other gorgeous ladies.
Vamonos.
Come on.
Come on.
Ow! - Whoo! - Adriana.
Dios mio.
Mwah.
Robert, this is Teata Takaria.
Special Representative from Kiribas, and, Teata, this is Senator Robert Bettencourt.
Madame Representative, lovely to meet you.
And you, Senator.
You're quite a dancer, sir.
Tell me about Kiribas.
Well, it's an archipelago of 32 atolls and one coral island.
I think I've read about it, yeah.
I imagine you have.
Our situation is very precarious, thanks to the developed nations.
"Climate change"? Our fresh groundwater is being poisoned by the rising tides.
Within 20 years, my homeland might be uninhabitable, and within 50, it'll disappear.
We have to move the entire population to Fiji.
Fiji, I mean That's an island paradise too, right? Kiribas is my home, Robert.
Oh, right, right.
I'm I'm sorry.
Hey, you two, it's about to start.
Let's grab a table.
- I don't think we should - Oh, my God! Teata? What's wrong? Robert? It's not me.
It's global warming.
You mentioned global warming? What were you thinking? You didn't bring up Fiji, did you? No, I I Swiff me? Swiff her! What kind of comedy club is this? Where's my rim job? Rim shot.
Rim shot.
Rim shot.
Right.
So Hey, uh, have you ever noticed how hard it is to get things out of that that rigid plastic packaging they've got? It's harder than getting a bill out of Congress.
Boom! - That's how hard it is.
- Seriously, you've been you've, uh you've been great.
Thank you so much.
I'll be here all year.
All right, funny guy.
Let's give it up for Senator Louis Laffer! Next up, ladies and gentlemen, a former funniest celebrity in Washington, the bathtub strangler himself, let's have a hand for Grover Norquist.
Got anything new for me to sign, Grover? Absolutely, Senator.
Thank you.
Bourbon, neat, no ice, certainly no water.
I never drink water.
Dick Cheney tortures people with it.
Gives it an awkward aftertaste.
Grover's good, but I think I got off more kills.
- I did more kills, didn't I? - Oh, definitely, daddy.
You were so good.
You ought to give it a shot, Rosie.
Go on up there.
Come on.
Get your heart going.
Me? You crazy.
Oh, you really should, ma'am.
Some of the comments you make about your colleagues - are priceless.
- It's true, Senator.
Oh, I don't know.
What's wrong there, Rosie? You chicken, huh? You only dish it out in private? You go, I'll go.
Okay, okay.
Game on, brother lawmaker.
So, when midgets Play miniature golf, do they know? Let's hear it for Grover the grouch, ladies and gentlemen! Well, I guess I'm finished here.
- Senator, it's all yours.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
I'm Rosalyn DuPeche.
I'm the next-door neighbor of this man here our country's only black Republican Senator.
See, Robert, that's a laugh line right there.
What's the matter, Robert you couldn't make it through clown college? So you said, "you know, I'll just become a black Republican.
It's the same gig.
" I mean, a black Republican how does that happen? I remember when I was a kid and I would, you know, misbehave and my mother, like many mothers then, she would say, "if you don't stop that, I'll beat the black off of you.
" Well, maybe that's what happened to Robert.
His mother actually did it.
So what the fuck, Senator? Now we're a pair of greedy, evil-ass psychos? - I I never said that.
- You fucking did, Biggs to Peg, who told everyone in our Super PAC conclave.
And you know what? It hurts.
You don't think my brother and me have feelings? Yeah, if you prick us, do we not bleed, you prick? And if you fuck us, do we not fuck you back? We fucking do! We put the word out, and you're on your own now, Biggs.
- Try to find five fucking cents - Hold on, boys.
- Where's he going? - I don't know.
Oh, fuck! Shelley! Holy shit, you killed him! You bastard! You murdering bastard! Daddy! I have no idea what you're doing right now, but hell, yeah.
The the Governor denounced it.
There've been a bunch of editorials.
- The meeting's still on? - Yes, sir.
Your car will pick you up at 2:00.
Hey, Gil John.
- Who was that? - Senator Robeson, sir.
Hi, Elliot.
Why are you riding that thing? 'Cause it's good for the environment.
- So is walking.
- Takes too much time.
How about our girls, huh? I mean, are they something? - Our girls? - Well, Charlotte and Charity.
"The Real Daughters of D.
C.
" Charity's on that show too? On it? She's the first hire.
- She's gonna play the wild one.
- Charity's not wild, is she? No, no.
That's what she's playing.
What is my daughter playing? Oh, Charlotte's playing the angry one, sir, according to TV Guide, anyway.
The "angry" one? What's she got to be angry about? You'll find out soon enough, along with the rest of the country.
- What's she been up to? - Nothing.
She dropped out of U.
C.
Santa something to focus on her personal brand.
Well, it looks like it all paid off, 'cause our kids are gonna be stars.
Now, how trippy is that? See you later, D.
C.
dad.
Keep it real! Have you ever wondered what the deal is with that rigid plastic packaging they have these days? - That's not the joke.
- Oh.
Sorry, daddy.
"Rigid" is just such a funny word.
That packaging is so frustrating to open, Wikipedia has a term for it "wrap rage.
" Not yet.
I mean, getting the contents out of one of those puppies is harder than getting a bill out of Congress.
Boom! But, seriously.
Oh, for the that's it.
That's the joke.
It's topical.
Oh.
I thought you were going for observational humor, daddy.
Quite the head fake.
You're going to kill it, sir, but maybe I could, uh Punch up your material a bit for you.
I mean, even the president has help.
Obama's not naturally a funny man.
Well, I am, and I want a clean win as the funniest celebrity in Washington Unassisted.
- Sir? - Hmm? The conference we're going to be late.
Oh.
What's the deal with punctuality? Who's got the time? - Butter dump.
- It's ba-dum-bump, sir.
- This is it? - Yes, sir - 3414 North Fairfax.
- It's a parking garage.
You're to meet the Watt brothers on level B2, space 37.
I don't believe this.
Hello? Shelley? Saul? - You're late.
- Traffic.
No fucking way to run a campaign.
- Were you followed? - Drones? Are you kidding me? We can't meet with you face-to-face.
You know the rules, so we're not here.
You're here, but we're fucking not.
- So what do you want? - What do I want? I want that piece-of-crap ad off the air.
What, too negative? Did we go too negative for you, Senator? 'Cause I got to tell you, the base loves it.
I don't care what the base loves.
You smeared a war hero.
It's supposed to be about issues.
Issues? Ha! Are you for real? The only way to stop the cock-sucking collectivists who are ruining this country is to separate them from their balls.
Did you not understand that? You two are sick puppies.
We're done.
I don't have a problem with that.
You have a problem with that, Saul? I fucking don't.
We shouldn't be talking to you, anyway.
- See you, Senator.
- Yeah, see you, Senator.
Ah, what an ungrateful fuck.
I don't believe this shit.
- Do you believe this shit? - I fucking don't.
So, at Secretary Hagel's direction, we have begun to review our policy on transgender service members.
We are at last directing our attention to the "T," the final letter of LGBT.
There are an estimated Doesn't LGBT sound like a multivitamin? Write that down.
As President Obama observed, valor knows no gender.
The Navy officer now known as Kristin Beck served with distinction for years on the all-male seal team six.
So let me ask you this, Colonel Drake, is it? Yes, sir.
Drake As in the male duck? - Yes, sir.
- Very good.
Now, Colonel, so I have this straight not in a sexual sense, of course, I mean in the interests of clarity are you a man who thinks he's a lady or a lady who's already been turned into a man? Very convincingly, I should add, if if that's the case.
Neither, sir.
I'm a gay man.
Oh.
Interesting.
- Senator? - Madame Chairma woman? Do you have another question? Your time is about to expire.
I do.
Colonel Drake, don't you think that if some of our male soldiers were actually females and vice versa that there would be a lot of wild speculation that could be detrimental to good order? I'm not sure I understand the question, sir.
Well, I do, and it's stupid.
- What the hell, Louis? - Rose.
What I'm trying to understand here is how our troops are supposed to tell what's new and what's original equipment.
Okay, that's it for today.
The committee will reconvene tomorrow at 10:30.
What? Those uniforms are baggy.
That's a darling outfit, Ms.
de Portago.
Where did you find it? Ay, Cherry Bomb boutique Miami Beach.
Well, it's just perfect for there.
- But the wedding's here, right? - Yeah, at the HayAdams.
Hay-Adams, the old standby.
Great choice, you two.
We certainly won't have any trouble booking.
- Oh, we've already inquired.
- I'll double-check.
Anton and I went to U.
V.
A.
together.
He can make the Lafayette room happen and see that you get the good linens.
We wouldn't get the good linens? On your own? Maybe.
But that's what a wedding planner's for.
Did you get a quote from the hotel? Of course.
It's within our budget.
- And what would that be? - $3 million.
That's a little misleading.
800K of that's for Pitbull.
So this would be the wedding of the year, - I'm guessing.
- That's the plan.
What we need, Courtney, is someone who can manage not just a wedding, but a three-day celebration worthy of the next first family of the United States.
You may not be accustomed to coordinating on such a scale.
So, if you feel like you're in over your head here, it would be best if you told us that right now.
No, no, I We've heard such good things about you, Courtney, that you go all out to make your events the very best that they can be.
It's that kind of full-on ardor That's important to us.
Um, yes, of course, Senator.
I'm flattered.
Too early to be flattered.
Let's see what you can do first.
I got to go, but the senator he can look at the contracts and sign for us.
And I will talk to you later.
- Ciao.
- Yes, ciao.
- Ciao.
- What? Ciao also means "hello.
" Are you a good doggie? Excuse me? He doesn't bite, does he? Uh, no, ma'am.
- Senator Mower, sir.
- Senator Mower? Paul Mower's widow, Betty, who the Governor appointed? Oh, right.
- Jeez.
- Oh, oh.
Oh, no, Buster, Buster.
Oh, oh, oh.
- My hair.
- Betty, oh, I'm so sorry.
- Oh.
- Oh, goodness, are you okay? I'm fine.
I just didn't expect to get knocked down so soon after my hip replacement.
I really am sorry.
Buster is too.
Well, how you been doing, Betty? Are you finding your way around capitol hill all right? I am, except there are not enough stalls in the women's senators restroom.
- Are you aware of that? - I was not.
I didn't think so, which is why I'm making my inaugural floor speech on the issue.
Would you be a dear and look it over? I so value your advice, and I want to make a good impression my first time out.
Well, well, well, well Uh-huh.
It looks good.
Good.
A lot of good points here.
Should I keep in the part about the sanitary-napkin dispensers? Hard to say, Betty.
Sir, your wife.
Oh, Senator Mower.
It's the fabulous Tammy.
Mwah.
How are you, dear? Betty is that you? Maddie? Where are you? I'm in Raleigh, honey.
It's good to hear your voice.
Oh, you're in Raleigh.
Oh, my goodness.
Have you seen those terrible ads someone's running against that young war hero? So shameful.
So shameful! You must be outraged, Gil John.
Mm.
Well, I better get going over to the office.
The movers are coming by, and I've got to clean out Paul's drawers.
Good-bye, Maddie, dear! Good-bye, Betty.
- Tammy? - Yes, I will call over and make sure that somebody goes through those drawers before she does.
There could be lubricant.
I'm on it.
Wear gloves, Tammy.
- Little late for that.
- What? It's not called "after play.
" Oh, there wasn't time to do it in the right order.
Next time? I'm not really seeing a next time, are you? I am.
But I'm told I need help.
You do.
Definitely.
We're back with Governor Ed Rendell.
- So, still no debate, Governor? - No, Andrea.
No word on the debates yet, even after repeated requests.
The Senator seems to think he's got this one in the bag.
But I would offer a word of caution to my good friend Bobby Bettencourt.
- Bobby? - In case the word hasn't reached Washington yet, Pennsylvania courts have not looked kindly on voter suppression.
So if he thinks these new laws are gonna limit turnout, he just hasn't been paying attention.
Oh, that'll help.
Or you could try campaigning.
Why are you boosting flowers from our garden? I'm a neighbor with benefits.
Are you going to see Louis tonight? - See him do what? - Stand-up.
He's competing in the "funniest celeb in Washington" thing.
- That can't be true.
- And yet it is.
- Good morning, kids.
- Good morning, Senator.
Hey, Rosalyn, didn't hear the doorbell.
Oh, I didn't want to get you out of bed.
Andy, I am so looking forward to your wedding.
You're invited? I had no idea.
No, no.
I'll just be rubbernecking.
- Hmm.
- See you tonight, Robert.
You're going out? Eh, she wants to go to some comedy thing tonight.
Oh, you got to go, man.
Adriana and I are going.
It's gonna be a good time lots of booze, available women.
And it's Louis.
You can't say no.
- No.
- Buster.
Wait up, Gil.
Listen, we should leave by 8:00, which gives you 11 hours to get dressed.
Later, amigo.
Okay, we're live, Senator Stanchion.
Steve, trust me.
Hillary won't run.
The poor woman has been dealing all year with this constant drumbeat in the press.
It's brain damage this and head injury that.
Not that I necessarily think that she's addled, but she does seem sadly confused about the Benghazi cover-up.
Benghazi again? Not Obamacare? It's the homestretch.
Did we pivot and no one told me? Peg will attack anything Fox tells her to.
It must be Hillary week.
Hillary deserves our pity, not our scorn.
Jesus, what a piece of work she is.
As to whether she has brain damage or TBI or whatever the politically correct term is for a severe head wound in an elderly woman, we'll leave that to the experts.
What we do know from the don't ask, don't tell repeal was that it had zero impact on force-readiness.
We would expect the same outcome if we updated rules against our transgender troops.
Colonel, when you say there was no impact on readiness, you're saying that as a gay man, correct? No, sir, I'm saying that in my capacity as lead author on the Army D.
A.
D.
T.
study.
Who happens to be gay.
Sir, I assume my identification with the group under study was considered a qualification.
And how did that qualification come to be known? As soon as D.
A.
D.
T.
was repealed, I came out to my commander.
He walked out from behind his desk, shook my hand, and told me how happy he was that his best line officer was now free to be himself.
He gave me this command coin which I've carried with me ever since with more pride than I can convey, sir.
I would ask the chair to enter the Colonel's coin into evidence.
What is wrong with the gentleman? This isn't a damn trial.
I'd still like to see it.
Mr.
President, I ri I rise to take a stand on restroom parity.
Who's that? She looks familiar.
- Betty Mower.
- Widow of Happy Pants Mower? Governor appointed her to keep the seat warm until November.
For too long, there have been too few stalls in the Senate ladies' room.
I have brought a chart.
As you can see Would the "gentle-lady" from Idaho yield? Oh, I My time must be up.
So I yield to the "gentle-lady" from - North Dakota.
- Of course.
Yes.
Thank you.
Mr.
President, I have a few thoughts on making the Benghazi committee permanent so that future generations can investigate it.
But first, let me comment on what we've just heard here.
Once again, this chamber is subjected to pleading from a special interest.
What the hell? A woman member who is aggrieved by having fewer number of stalls as the men.
Why must women always play the victim? If there are not enough stalls in the ladies' room, do what I do use the men's.
She does.
It's this kind of entitled whining that has bankrupted this country showering favors on people who think they're owed something.
Really? You just took down a grieving widow on the Senate floor.
This brings me to Benghazi.
Interesting young man, a bit of a surprise no mannerisms that I could detect, not a trace of a gay accent.
Think how hard it must be to tone down something you're wired for.
It'd be like me trying not to come across as white.
I don't think he was trying to tone anything down, sir.
Don't be so sure, Julie.
Your lesbian accent isn't as pronounced.
Until you've walked in another man's pants, you can't really say.
You know, sir, it's just so fascinating to hear you sort through it all.
Look, Louis wears sacred underwear, okay? That's not an accusation, it's a fact.
He wears sacred underwear.
As a devout Mormon, he also believes that a convicted con man got golden tablets that no one else could see and sat down with an angel who told him the Jews in the Bible lived in North America.
No, no.
Let the man speak.
Louis actually believes that stuff, and he has every right.
But here's the thing.
I don't believe it.
I don't believe in crazy shit that never happened.
So voters in Nevada have a clear choice.
They can vote for someone who believes in bug-nutty, bat-shit, weird-ass, crazy shit, or they can vote for someone who doesn't.
I'm sorry, sir.
He goes too far.
Persecuted and reviled for over a century, and that's your best shot Mormonism is crazy? This from a guy who's in the pocket of big magic.
Well, good luck with that, my friend.
Senator Biggs, ma'am.
Gil John, to what do I owe? It's about your floor statement, Peg.
Oh, my God.
Who listens to floor statements? Well, I happened to catch yours.
You want to co-sponsor my permanent Benghazi committee? No, I want you to lay off Betty.
You had no reason to call her out like that.
Poor woman just wants to be able to take an honest leak without having to wait in line.
Not every woman knows how to use a urinal, Peg.
Gil John, Betty was standing in the well of the Senate pleading for special treatment I responded.
It's called debate.
You humiliated her.
That's not how senators handle things.
We don't make personal attacks.
You mean like that takedown of a medal of honor winner? I had nothing to do with that ad.
Oh, really? That's odd.
Saul and Shelley usually don't go where they're not invited.
Those two psychos were not invited to smear anybody.
They got they own greedy, evil-ass agenda.
They do what they want.
I don't need their help.
Hmm, and yet you have it, and your opponent's sinking fast best of both worlds, really.
Thanks for the civility lesson, Gil John.
I'll do my best to take it to heart.
Oh, my God.
Look at you hiding over here.
We're here to have fun, Robert.
- I am having fun.
- Yeah.
Look at all these fabulous ladies, hmm? When was the last time the love doctor hit on someone? 1978, but I really Uh, yeah, you know what you need? You need to be seen dancing with a gorgeous lady so then you become desirable for all the other gorgeous ladies.
Vamonos.
Come on.
Come on.
Ow! - Whoo! - Adriana.
Dios mio.
Mwah.
Robert, this is Teata Takaria.
Special Representative from Kiribas, and, Teata, this is Senator Robert Bettencourt.
Madame Representative, lovely to meet you.
And you, Senator.
You're quite a dancer, sir.
Tell me about Kiribas.
Well, it's an archipelago of 32 atolls and one coral island.
I think I've read about it, yeah.
I imagine you have.
Our situation is very precarious, thanks to the developed nations.
"Climate change"? Our fresh groundwater is being poisoned by the rising tides.
Within 20 years, my homeland might be uninhabitable, and within 50, it'll disappear.
We have to move the entire population to Fiji.
Fiji, I mean That's an island paradise too, right? Kiribas is my home, Robert.
Oh, right, right.
I'm I'm sorry.
Hey, you two, it's about to start.
Let's grab a table.
- I don't think we should - Oh, my God! Teata? What's wrong? Robert? It's not me.
It's global warming.
You mentioned global warming? What were you thinking? You didn't bring up Fiji, did you? No, I I Swiff me? Swiff her! What kind of comedy club is this? Where's my rim job? Rim shot.
Rim shot.
Rim shot.
Right.
So Hey, uh, have you ever noticed how hard it is to get things out of that that rigid plastic packaging they've got? It's harder than getting a bill out of Congress.
Boom! - That's how hard it is.
- Seriously, you've been you've, uh you've been great.
Thank you so much.
I'll be here all year.
All right, funny guy.
Let's give it up for Senator Louis Laffer! Next up, ladies and gentlemen, a former funniest celebrity in Washington, the bathtub strangler himself, let's have a hand for Grover Norquist.
Got anything new for me to sign, Grover? Absolutely, Senator.
Thank you.
Bourbon, neat, no ice, certainly no water.
I never drink water.
Dick Cheney tortures people with it.
Gives it an awkward aftertaste.
Grover's good, but I think I got off more kills.
- I did more kills, didn't I? - Oh, definitely, daddy.
You were so good.
You ought to give it a shot, Rosie.
Go on up there.
Come on.
Get your heart going.
Me? You crazy.
Oh, you really should, ma'am.
Some of the comments you make about your colleagues - are priceless.
- It's true, Senator.
Oh, I don't know.
What's wrong there, Rosie? You chicken, huh? You only dish it out in private? You go, I'll go.
Okay, okay.
Game on, brother lawmaker.
So, when midgets Play miniature golf, do they know? Let's hear it for Grover the grouch, ladies and gentlemen! Well, I guess I'm finished here.
- Senator, it's all yours.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
I'm Rosalyn DuPeche.
I'm the next-door neighbor of this man here our country's only black Republican Senator.
See, Robert, that's a laugh line right there.
What's the matter, Robert you couldn't make it through clown college? So you said, "you know, I'll just become a black Republican.
It's the same gig.
" I mean, a black Republican how does that happen? I remember when I was a kid and I would, you know, misbehave and my mother, like many mothers then, she would say, "if you don't stop that, I'll beat the black off of you.
" Well, maybe that's what happened to Robert.
His mother actually did it.
So what the fuck, Senator? Now we're a pair of greedy, evil-ass psychos? - I I never said that.
- You fucking did, Biggs to Peg, who told everyone in our Super PAC conclave.
And you know what? It hurts.
You don't think my brother and me have feelings? Yeah, if you prick us, do we not bleed, you prick? And if you fuck us, do we not fuck you back? We fucking do! We put the word out, and you're on your own now, Biggs.
- Try to find five fucking cents - Hold on, boys.
- Where's he going? - I don't know.
Oh, fuck! Shelley! Holy shit, you killed him! You bastard! You murdering bastard! Daddy! I have no idea what you're doing right now, but hell, yeah.