American Auto (2021) s02e03 Episode Script

1
Um, did you guys see this?
"Kevin Costner has announced
that he will no longer
"be spokesperson for the Payne Turro
"or associated with the Payne brand
due to the company's recent scandals."
Why does every celebrity
have to take a big moral stance
on every issue these days?
I mean, not everything is personal.
Well, in this case,
it is kind of personal to him.
He has a ranch
where the fires broke out,
or I guess he hada ranch
where the fires broke out.
This is not making us look good.
"Costner Leaves Payne in the Ashes."
But he's also about to star
in a Broadway adaptation
of "The Cutting Edge." I wanna see that.
If it helps, I do
an amazing Costner impression.
You can just swap me in.
Welcome to the Field of Dreams.
That's "Jurassic Park."
Uh, no, it's "Field of Dreams."
I literally just said the title.
Well, we're just gonna get someone else,
someone better than Kevin Costner.
Or you know, just another someone else.
Wait, no, it's like, uh
"Ah, looks like
you're on the Waterworld."
Mm.
That was Connery.
Yeah, no, I I heard it
when I when I said it.
Yep.
Yep, I agree.
He is likable,
approachable, and handsome,
but Tony the Tiger is a cartoon
and the spokesman for Frosted Flakes.
I'm not saying
he should be our spokesman.
I'm just saying he's a good template.
Wow, it looks like
we have a lot of ideas.
Yeah, kinda.
I mean, these are celebrities
that we could probably get,
but we don't want.
AdamRayOkay, Horchata Soto.
Are those real people?
They're the biggest accounts on TikTok.
- Seriously?
- Yeah, I don't know.
The world's a mess.
And then these are celebrities
that we want, but we could never get.
Uh-huh, and what about
celebrities that we want
- and can get?
- They're on that list.
- Ah.
- Yes.
Not many A-listers wanting
to be associated
with the brand right now.
Ooh, what about the guy
who played Snape?
He has a great voice.
Alan Rickman? He died six years ago.
- Snape is dead?
- Yeah.
It's a damn shame.
I'ma start another list. "Gone"
- No more lists.
- "Too Soon."
Oh, uh, James Gandolfini.
Uh, Ray Liotta.
Uh, Kobe Bryant. Betty White.
Would we say
Betty White was gone too soon?
- Oh, that's
- Excuse me?
Have some respect, Cyrus.
She was 99.
How is that controversial to say?
Oh, my God, I've got it.
Okay, what about Gerry Spier?
Hmm? Come on. Three-time BAFTA nominee.
Lead of "Chasing the Alderman."
Really? You guys haven't heard
of "Chasing the Alderman"?
Where have you been?
- In America.
- Oh!
I played in a celebrity
golf tournament once
with Andy Richter.
He was awesome.
We were just knocking 'em back
and going insane.
Well, I was.
He was waiting for me to play through,
but he said if I never needed help,
I shouldn't be afraid to ask.
You sure he wasn't talking about rehab?
I don't hate that idea, actually.
Andy Richter's kind of an everyman.
Do you like him?
I mean, I trust your opinion
on this stuff.
- What do you think?
- Me?
Oh, well, yeah, he is likeable
and recognizable,
and he seems trustworthy.
Okay. Richter's the victor!
Uh, Jeremy Tugendhat?
Yeah, he plays the posh lord
lieutenant to the shire. Anyone?
No one knows what you're saying, baby.
- No. Thank you.
- It's a great program.
I I really appreciate
the opportunity.
- We're all set.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Looking forward to it.
- See you then.
Bye.
- Good news?
- Yeah, they wanna meet me
for the management training program.
Oh, I applied to that too.
Oh. Yeah, well, I'm sure
you'll get a call any second now.
Any second now.
Guess who just jumped on the Sade-train.
- Hmm?
- I was trying something.
Didn't work.
Katherine asked for my advice.
I gave it to her, and she took it.
- Mm.
- Could you not?
I'm waiting for a very important call.
- Oh, sorry.
- And I just got asked
to interview for the management
training program.
- Oh!
- Yeah.
That's that's great too.
It's not that big a deal.
I've heard it's not that good.
Well, I hope you get in.
I mean, we'll miss having you around.
Oh, no, I wouldn't have to leave.
They switched it
to being remote this year.
Oh, then I do hope you get it.
Yeah, so you'll have to
figure out another way to get rid of me.
Well, there's, like, blackmail,
excessive force
Framing me for murder?
The options, honestly, they're endless.
Shh!
You'll hear it.
Okay. Wait. Here we go.
Boom, Gerry Spier lays the smack down.
He just handed the other
old dude a stack of papers.
Yeah, right, yeah,
but wait until you see
what's in those papers.
Okay, you've seen
other television, right?
Where things happen?
Oh, ha-ha.
Okay, I'm sorry this isn't
the sort of sensationist trash
you two are used to watching.
You know, where it's all drug deals
and teens eating each other
in the woods.
I watch "7th Heaven." Nobody is
- Don't don't listen to him.
- There's no drug deal
in "Touched by an Angel."
Oh! Andy, my man!
Long time no see.
- Oh, yeah, hey.
It's it's good to see you
again, yeah.
Hey, look, I'm gonna let
the ladies do their thing.
I just wanted to say, no pressure.
Don't feel like
you have to agree to anything
just 'cause we're friends.
I I appreciate that. Thanks.
Hi, Andy.
I just wanna say I'm a huge, huge fan.
- I mean, I'm blushing.
- Thank you.
I mean, can you see I'm blushing?
And sweating.
No, I'm not. I'm just blushing.
I'm just blushing.
Anyway, I'm gonna let Sadie
take it from here.
So we've got the Payne Turro
driving through
all kinds of different landscapes.
We got the quiet, the hustle bustle
Probably what you're used to,
right, Andy?
You dropped out. What was that?
Oh, say what you said.
I said, "The hustle bustle"
And I said, "You're used to that."
Oh, uh, yeah, okay, yeah, sure.
You're losing him.
Andy, we see you as
the next James Stewart, really.
- Oh, wow.
- Yeah.
Beloved and trusted, America's friend.
I mean, there really is no one else
who could lead this campaign.
Except for Kevin Costner, right?
You know, honestly, I was
never really a fan of Costner.
I was rooting for the other guy
in "The Bodyguard."
The stalker?
No, the baseball The baseball movie?
No, no, no, he's a sex stalker.
- Yeah, no, it was a stalker.
- Huh.
Hey, Cyrus.
Guess how much
Andy Richter-signed headshots
go for on eBay.
Mm-mm-mm, 500?
No, less than that.
- But it's good.
- Hey, can I put you down
as a reference
for the management program?
Of course! That's great.
You got to the interview portion.
- Mm-hmm.
- Are you nervous?
Nervous? No, no, no.
I just thought it was, like,
a casual meet and greet.
Or or maybe less casual.
Don't let me get in your head.
Try to think of it as a normal,
regular job interview.
Right, I have never
actually had a job interview.
Yeah, I got the job on the assembly line
because my buddy's dad worked there.
Before that, kids at school
would just give me money
when I ate weird stuff.
Jack, do you even have a résumé?
Mm, mm-mm.
I'm sure it'll be fine.
Look, I'm just gonna call it out.
Costner cut ties with us
because of our recent issues, okay?
But I can promise you that
we are coming back stronger,
and we would love for you
to be a part of that comeback.
Well, uh, you know,
I believe in second chances,
and I like you guys. So, uh, I'm in.
Let's do this.
Awesome.
Well, we're very, very excited.
We promise that you won't regret it,
and we promise no more fires.
You dropped out again.
What was that last part?
Um, can we just end this now?
- We're done.
- Bye!
- Bye!
- Ah!
Uh, hey, everyone, uh, Andy Richter
is coming in today.
We're gonna be showing him around,
signing contracts, all that.
So best feet forward, okay?
- Uh, Cyrus, is the car ready?
- Yes.
We have a brand-new,
luxury trim, top-of-the-line
Payne Turro for Andy to take home.
And it's not, like,
a dumb color or anything?
Correct. I chose one of our
- non-dumb colors.
- Great.
Oh, and I know it can be intimidating
seeing a celebrity in person,
but as a friend of his,
I can assure you that Andy is basically
the coolest guy you'll ever meet.
But maybe don't, like, approach him.
If you wanna meet him, come to me.
I'll give you the thumbs-up
or the thumbs-down.
Okay, I think what we're saying
is be warm,
but don't go overboard
trying to impress him.
Right, exactly, so like, Jack,
I love the effort, but, mm,
maybe probably didn't need
to dress up today.
Oh, this?
No, it's not about that.
I have an interview
for the management program.
- Oh!
- Congrats, dude!
You're like our own Billy Madison.
Thanks, thanks.
Uh, you know, I'm definitely nervous.
Oh, stop looking at me, swan.
Okay, great.
Jack, let's not pull focus, okay?
- Right.
- Today's about Andy Richter.
Tomorrow could be a Jack day.
All right, everyone! Good luck!
Hi, Andy. Welcome to Payne Motors.
Thank you, thank you. Hi.
- Hi.
- There's my guy!
- Hey, hi.
- Come here.
Oh, wow.
- Hi.
- Thank you so much
for coming all the way here.
Oh, you know, I have family in Michigan,
so you know, um,
coming here isn't a Payne.
Dude, Andy, you're so frunny.
Funny sorry. I meant to say "funny."
I just I mean, obviously, it just
Uh, [BLEEP].
Well, Andy, we wanted to kick things off
with a little token of our appreciation.
How do you feel about a new car?
Wh
- What?
- Oh
That is incredible! Thank you!
Sorry, Andy. Bit of a misunderstanding.
That's actually my car.
- Your car?
- Your car's, uh ah!
Right there, yeah.
- Uh, Andy,
this is the all-new Payne Turro.
Oh. Well, that's very nice too.
Thanks.
- Give him your car.
- What?
- Give him your car.
- Give him my car?
- Give him your car.
- You can't be serious.
He can get his own car.
Give him your car, Elliot.
Katherine.
Right. Uh, Andy, uh, sorry.
Just a bit of Payne Motors humor there,
pretending you were getting
the the family sedan
and not my convertible,
which I don't really want anyway, so
Oh, no, I I'm fine with this car.
No, no, no
I'm kidding. Thank you!
- He's very
- Wow!
- A Ferrari!
- He's awfully funny.
I know.
I know there's not a lot on there.
- It's certainly sparse.
- Yeah.
Uh, where'd you go to college?
I didn't actually
fully graduate college.
Oh, well, how many more
credits do you need?
Well
- All of them.
- Oh.
I should've just said
I didn't go to college.
- Oh.
- I'm sorry.
Oh.
Hope you're not writing down
that I'm a liar.
No, just some notes.
- Yeah, notes.
- Yeah.
Over here, we have
our accounting department
crunching those numbers.
Crunch, crunch, crunch.
It's boring, but it is necessary.
Andy, Cyrus Knight. I'm a huge fan.
Oh, thank you so much.
I hate to ask,
but could I get your autograph?
- Oh
- Okay, Cyrus, we're
No, no, it's fine. I'm happy to.
Just make it out to "my biggest fan."
Okay, "To my biggest fan, Cyrus."
No, just to "my biggest fan."
Okay.
Better not see this on eBay later.
EBay?
That's good, eBay.
- You're a funny, funny man.
- Thank you.
Speaking of autographs,
how 'bout we get one of those
bad boys on a contract
and make this all official?
Yes, I just need
to use the restroom first.
Oh, yeah. Right back the way we came.
- First door on the right.
- Thanks.
Mm-hmm.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
Dude, Andy, you're so funny.
Dude, Andy, you're so funny.
Dude, Andy, you're so funny.
Oh, no!
Dude, Andy, you're so funny.
That's it.
Oh, Jesus. Oh, God.
Oh, hey, I wouldn't, uh
- Oh, wow, ugh.
- Hey, Andy.
Hey, that's not mine.
- I didn't do that.
- Yeah, well,
maybe call a janitor.
- That should be fixed.
- No, no, no, no.
I'm saying I didn't do it.
I walked in here.
That was already bombed out.
That's got nothing to do with me.
- Yeah, no.
- I haven't even gone yet.
- I swear.
- I believe you.
I believe it's fine. It's fine.
Dude, Andy, you're so funny.
Okay, thank you.
Uh
oh, no.
You know, I have not been
to Detroit in years.
Oh, I have just loved it here.
There is so much to do.
Oh, do you have any recommendations?
Um, yeah. Oh, God, there's so much.
Uh, go downtown.
- Okay.
- Yeah, there is this one place
that is on a corner,
- uh, in the main part.
- Mm.
You're describing nothing.
Oh, wait, you talkin' about Ricky's?
Yeah! It's Ricky oh, Ricky's.
- The titty bar?
- Oh.
I guess it's nice
as titty bars go, Andy.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
We're a sex-positive company.
- So we love Ricky's.
- We do.
- We love them.
- I'm there all the time.
Okay,
which one of you monsters
crap-blasted our bathroom?
Andy and I couldn't believe
how disgusting it was.
I I said it was okay.
- It's not okay.
- Mm.
And whoever did it should confess,
so this all gets cleared up.
Yeah, we'll look into that.
Anyway, Andy, we're just
We're so happy to be working with you.
Me too. You know, it's funny,
because just last week,
I met Ryan Reynolds at a party,
and he kept going on and on
about how much he loves Payne cars,
and now here I am, the spokesman.
Huh!
Ryan Reynolds, the actor?
- Yeah.
- Like, "Deadpool," "Free Guy,"
- that Ryan Reynolds?
- Yeah, I'd have to check IMDb,
but yeah, I think so.
- Hmm.
- Well
You know what?
I forgot the champagne.
- Do you wanna help me get it?
- Absolutely, yeah.
You need two set of hands there, sure.
- I do.
- Yeah, we gotta get
- a ice bucket.
- Get one for
- Yeah, okay.
- I'll help her out.
- Ryan Reynolds loves us?
- I know, I heard it too.
I mean
So is this something
you think we should explore?
I don't know. It's exciting.
- Yeah, yeah.
- But I just don't wanna be
like that dog with the meat, you know?
That he crosses the stream,
and then he sees his reflection
and thinks that dog's got
a bigger piece of meat,
and then he drops the meat,
like, do you know what I mean?
Like, that's a thing, right?
Uh, yeah, I think so.
Yeah, the meat dog thing.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, listen, so
- should we stick with Andy?
- See, now I'm picturing
Ryan Reynolds next to a Payne Turro,
- and I'm like, "What?"
- I really love that image too.
- So it's your call.
- It's a good image.
What do you wanna do?
Got the contracts for Andy to sign.
Change of plans.
Do not let him sign those.
Yes, great, and do not
let him out of that room.
You stall. Stall like the wind.
Champagne's this way,
but we're gonna get a bucket.
And so that, along with the death
of my grandfather when I was 12,
is probably why I really fear failure.
Okay, um, thank you for sharing.
- Mm-hmm.
- The question was,
what's your biggest weakness?
Not your biggest fear.
Yeah, I can
I'll be happy to answer that.
It was a moving story,
and I'm glad you shared it.
It's all It's all grist for the mill.
- Thank thank you.
- So thank you for that.
- I'm just yeah.
- Um, yeah.
Uh, references made
to the agreement date as of
- Yeah.
- That's where the month
- all goes, so you got that.
- Right.
And on the day of
That's where we'll put today's date.
Yeah, we don't have to read
the whole thing.
I mean, I get it. It's a contract.
Well, and I'm sure
you've had a lot of experience
with contracts in Hollywood.
You know, but that's show business,
and this is the car business,
which is whole nother business.
- Okay.
- Hands are tied somewhat.
All right.
I think this is the right move, right?
Yeah, I mean, look,
I've never had a sex dream
about Andy Richter.
Have you had one about Ryan Reynolds?
Oh, yeah.
I mean, it's more
of a sex/anxiety dream.
- Right.
- Like, he's pleasuring me,
but I keep staring at
this plate of chicken Alfredo
and worrying about how long
it's been sitting out.
Yeah, them cream sauces
will turn on you real quick.
Like that.
Ryan Reynolds' autograph
goes for way more than Andy's.
I definitely think
this is the right move.
Plus, he's so holier-than-thou.
Like, "I'm Andy Richter.
I'm from Hollywood.
I would never clog a toilet."
- Hey, guys.
- Hey!
- Hi!
- Hi!
Sorry, Ryan.
We were just talking about
how someone clogged the toilet.
Uh, no problem.
Happens to the best of us.
No, no, no, no. It wasn't me.
I I walked in,
and I saw it like that.
Okay. I believe you.
Okay, good.
Well, I do think we can wrap this up
Mm.
Unless you have any questions for me.
For sure, yeah. Yeah, for sure.
Uh, do you
Have any plans this weekend?
Nope. No, just just staying in.
- That's cool.
- Yeah.
That's very cool.
Well, uh, it was nice to meet you, Jack.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Okay.
I'm charming.
- What?
- I'm usually very charming,
but I'm I'm nervous,
because I've never
actually done this before,
but normally
Normally, I'm I'm smooth.
- Mm.
- I am I'm smooth.
Mm.
- Right.
- And that's the end okay.
- All right.
- Yep. Yep.
Good to know. Thank you very much.
Ryan, we really see you
as the next Jimmy Stewart.
Beloved, trusted.
There's no one else
who can lead this campaign.
Guys, I'm so I'm really sorry.
My kids are They're yelling for me,
so I'm just gonna
cut to the chase right here.
Look, I love your company,
I love the cars,
and I would absolutely love to do this.
Oh!
I think I speak for all of us
when I say we love you, Ryan.
Hey, we'll be in touch with your agent.
Awesome, awesome, awesome. Talk soon.
Whoo!
- Whoa!
- Wow!
- Amazing.
- You know, I never really got
the whole Ryan Reynolds thing,
but after seeing him on Zoom, I get it.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
- Nice work, Sadie.
- Thanks.
How are you gonna break it to Andy?
- Me?
- Yeah, you kind of
took the reins on this one, so yeah.
I feel like it was both of us.
Like, one hand each
holding the rein thing.
I don't think that's how reins work.
There we go, see?
A double comma, you know?
That's we'll have to get
that sorted out
before we go any further.
- I
- Hey.
- Hi.
- I am so sorry
- to keep you waiting.
- Oh, it's all good.
I I think we're about ready to sign.
I mean, I really, really hope we are.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
But just before we do,
I just wanna make absolutely sure
that you're comfortable
being associated with us
with the recall and the terrible fire.
If you think that doing this
could harm your career
in any way,
I would understand completely.
You know, honestly, just you saying that
shows what a great place this is.
I'm not gonna quit over one mistake.
Well
Full disclosure,
it's not just one mistake.
There's a lot of shady stuff that's
You know, it could break any day now.
- What shady stuff?
- I can't give any details.
I'm so sorry,
but it's it's drugs and sex.
Wait, what?
Okay, stop talking right now.
Let me I I I'm a loyal guy.
Okay? So whatever happens,
we can weather it together.
Andy, I'm so sorry.
It's not gonna work out.
We have decided to go
in a different direction,
spokesman-wise.
Mother[BLEEP]!
What did I do wrong?
- What did I do?
- You didn't do anything.
Is it a looks thing?
- Nope.
- Because I can look better.
I can get a trainer,
and I build muscle so fast.
- It's not that, Andy.
- Or do you want me to get fat?
Do you want, like, a funny fat guy?
Because I can get
so [BLEEP] fat for you.
No, it's not. We don't need fat.
We don't need thin.
What am I gonna tell my family?
I mean, my dad
was so proud of me, and
What am I gonna tell him?
- He'll understand.
- No, he won't!
You don't know him!
- I don't.
- I guess I'll just have to
tell him that his boy's
a loser, like always!
- You're not a loser.
- You don't have to tell him.
What I meant to say was,
"This program will help me
excel at a job
that I'm passionate about."
But what came out of my mouth was,
"I'm charming."
Oh, baby, that's rough.
Sounds like you really bombed it.
- Thanks, Dale.
- Listen, just go back down
and say it to him now.
Oh, it's too late, Cyrus.
I already blew it.
Jack, you have nothing left to lose.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Come on, Jack.
- Okay.
- Believe in yourself.
- I'm gonna do it.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- Yes.
- Yeah. Feel it.
You're kind, you're smart,
you important.
- Head up, head up.
- That's right.
- You got this, Jack.
- Yeah!
And maybe mention me
while you're in there.
Dale, for the last time,
you need to find your own path, baby.
Excuse me. I'll just be a second.
- Gary, I just wanna
- Hey!
Hey! Uh
- God!
- No!
- No!
- Uh, okay.
I'm so sorry! I'm so, so, so sorry.
Should just be a minute.
I can't believe we're getting Ryan.
I know.
Do you end up having sex
with him in the dream?
Oh, no, we never get that far.
- Mm.
- I eat the pasta, though.
- Yum.
- Mmm, it is so good.
Katherine,
I'm so sorry to keep you waiting.
So Ryan's not gonna do this.
Well, we just spoke to him
about ten minutes ago,
and he said he was.
Well, I spoke to him one minute ago,
and he said he wasn't.
He literally told us,
"I would absolutely love to do this."
Ryan would love to do a lot of things,
but come on.
He's not interested
in Costner's sloppy seconds.
Plus, we've been in talks
with Dannon Yogurt,
and I think that's really
where his head is at right now.
He appreciates the interest, though.
We dropped the meat.
Yeah, we're meat dogs.
Really? Just right there in his office?
Yep, and then when I got back here,
there was a voicemail saying
I'm in the program.
- Oh, there you go!
- Hey.
No, I'm not gonna take it.
He's only letting me in because
he's worried that I'm gonna report him.
It'd be like blackmail.
Oh, Jack.
So young, so stupid.
Let me give you the first lesson
in the world of business:
take every advantage you can get.
Mm-hmm. Some folks have rich parents
who send them to ritzy schools.
Other folks walk in on supervisors
jerking it to daytime porn.
That's just the game.
Okay. Okay.
Okay, I'm gonna take it.
- As you should.
- I know that's right.
Great call. Just to be clear,
uh, is there an actual rule
against masturbating at work,
or is it just, like, frowned upon?
We screwed up.
- We gambled.
- Yeah.
If you've got a 16 in blackjack,
and the dealer's showing a 7,
what are you gonna do?
- Stay?
- I do not know.
You hit. I mean, unless you want
some chain-smoking grandma
cursing you out in Mandarin.
God, I miss Vegas.
Point is, even if you bust,
hitting was still the right call.
It was exciting.
Just going for broke.
Watch out. Future gambling addict.
Put it all on red!
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
- No, it's just
- You don't play roulette.
- I would never.
I mean, that's a sucker's game, Sadie.
I know you might've been
thinking that you were
making a funny joke, but I'm not
- I don't think that's funny.
- I would never.
You're not stupid like that.
- Yeah, I wouldn't do it.
- No.