American Housewife (2016) s02e03 Episode Script

1 Katie: You got to love public school free babysitting and a convenient place to throw away my car garbage.
Tara: You ruined my son's life! Ah, Tara Summers my daughter's boyfriend's mother.
If I had one free punch for anyone in the world, it would be Bryant Gumbel.
But if I had two, it would be Tara Summers.
Eyo doesn't want to be an anesthesiologist anymore.
He wants to be a cartoon artist.
- Mm.
- He spends the day at your house, and now he wants to "follow his dreams.
" Sounds like a real bad seed.
- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, honey.
Mama, can Autumn and I have a playdate? [Scoffs.]
Why must all of our children insist on getting along? Of course you can, sweetie.
- Yay! - Yay! Fine.
But it has to be at my house.
If Autumn spends a day with you, she'll come back wanting to be something awful when she grows up like a teacher.
Come on.
Hey, Mom, is cool if I catch a ride home with my friends today? Yes.
And nice job joining the popular clique.
Did you know I was the most popular girl in a high school of 5,000 people? I did, because you talk about it constantly.
Well! Somebody sounds jealous.
Have you seen Oliver? Yeah, he took the bus to ballet practice.
Mm.
I've been seen talking to my mom for a really long time, so I'm gonna go while I still have friends.
Mm.
Bye, Taylor! Have fun! First day without your blankie! I'm so proud of you! Is it possible I came to school for nothing? I've achieved what every stay-at-home mom dreams of a free afternoon.
I'm going to Target to sit on the lawn furniture! [Hans Gruber oinking.]
So that's why I was never picked first for any team sports.
Anyways, thanks for listening.
[Door closes.]
Katie.
Shouldn't you be picking up Oliver from ballet? Oh, crap! I forgot.
I'm still a little disoriented from getting woken up from my Target nap.
If they don't want you to put three lawn chairs together to form a bed, there should be a sign.
You got to be careful, or they will ban you.
- Way ahead of you.
I rotate Targets.
- Hm.
- I got to go pick up Oliver.
- No, no, no.
Before you leave, I'm doing a reading of my soon-to-be-published book, "John Stuart Mill and the Consequences of a Thoroughgoing Empiricist Outlook" I just like saying it and I need some help choosing a passage.
Now, this passage about his marriage to Harriet Taylor works, but feels a little nichey.
Don't you think it's nichey? - So nichey.
- Yeah.
So then, I considered this passage about when Mill was the colonial administrator in the British East India Company, but then I thought you don't put "Luke, I am your father" in the trailer.
- No, you do not.
- [Chuckles.]
So I was wondering, what's your favorite passage? Gosh, honey.
- There are just so many that I love.
- Aww.
The first one, obviously.
Mm-hmm.
And the second one is just You haven't read my book, have you? You know if it doesn't come in magazine form and have pictures of celebrities, I have no chance of staying awake.
I can't read this right now.
I got to go pick up Oliver.
And they say tired driving is just as bad as drunk driving.
Do you support drunk driving, Greg? I didn't think so.
[Horn honks.]
Drive! Go, go, go! Did you just try to pull off one last heist before retirement, but the crew member you trusted the most turned out to be working for the feds the entire time? What?! No! I just want to leave now! Punch it! Seriously, Oliver, what is going on? Did something happen in ballet? No, I just want to go.
If you won't talk then I'm gonna ask your teacher.
[Click, click.]
[Click, click.]
[Rapid clicking.]
Fine.
You win.
Let's go home.
[Laughs.]
Sucker! Let this be a lesson to you trust no one.
- Not even your own mother.
- That's a terrible lesson! Excuse me, Nina? Oliver has been acting a little weird, and I was wondering if it's something that I should know about.
Actually, there was an incident.
Oliver was paired up with Gina Tuscadero.
[Gasps.]
The granddaughter of Pinky Tuscadero, which would make her Leather Tuscadero's grand-niece? Pinky and Leather are fictional characters from "Happy Days.
" Gina is a real person.
Well, you're no fun.
Oliver and Gina were practicing lifts.
[Classical music plays.]
And right in front of the class he kind of got a lift in his pants [Laughter.]
if you know what I mean.
Oliver chubbed out? Yes.
That's what I mean.
We're not talking about this not now, not ever.
A-Are you smiling? No.
Why are you so uptight? I am your mother.
I used to bathe you.
Yeah, well, I got new stuff since then.
Oliver, come on! Let's talk about this.
There's nothing to discuss.
I'm never going to ballet again.
What's wrong with him? Remember the deal we made when we decided to have kids? You handle the vagina questions and I handle the penisy ones? - Exactly.
- [Door opens.]
We had the best playdate ever.
Anna-Kat, tell your mom about it, and don't leave out any detail.
Well, we went to the petting zoo.
That sounds like fun.
It was fun, but then I learned some pretty disturbing things about where meat comes from.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.
And after talking it out with Mrs.
Summers That's me.
[Giggles.]
I've decided to become a vegan.
You bitch.
Hm.
Have fun with your daughter's new lifestyle.
P.
S.
I literally told her how the sausage is made.
Bye.
[Door opens, closes.]
Huh.
Anna-Kat's a vegan.
The quiet makes me nervous.
If she is a vegan, that means I will have to cook two meals every meal.
It doubles my workload.
And I don't want to shop at the weird aisle in the grocery store.
I hate that aisle! They sell soup in boxes.
It's unnatural.
They do have nice lotions, though.
Just when you think you have everything under control, your kids change on you.
I don't change! You don't see me having growth.
I certainly do not.
I'll handle Anna-Kat.
You talk to Oliver.
Got it.
Wait.
What's wrong with Oliver? He had a moment in ballet class where he was you at my nana's funeral.
We agreed that was not my fault.
We were packed in like sardines, and you look sexy in black.
Anna-Kat, animals are actually happy to be eaten.
We're doing them a solid.
Non-vegan food is full of hormones, Mama.
Do you want me to get my period when I'm 9? I'm gonna kill Tara Summers! I am a vegan, I will always be a vegan, and there is nothing you can do to change my mind.
I'll give you 10 bucks to stop.
- Please.
- Ohhhh.
Son, you're an Otto.
That means you're genetically predisposed to humiliation.
Your cousin Freddy kissed his own mother because he panicked on a kiss cam at a Knicks game.
Your grandfather Reginald had a lactose issue, which ultimately made his roommate, Donald Whoopie, millions.
- Your great-grandfather Frederick Otto - Dad, what's your point? My point is, they didn't let those embarrassing moments define them.
Yeah, but it did define them.
All these years later, that's all they're remembered for, right? I'm gonna need some time to regroup.
- How did it go? - Awful.
You? She almost convinced me that cheese has feelings.
- Had to get out of there.
- Well, at least only two - of the three kids are - Hey, guys.
What do you think? [Chuckles.]
Never mind.
Three for three.
So you like it? What has gotten into you? You are not allowed to dye your hair without asking for permission.
Uh, I'm pretty sure I can, because I just did.
- And it's my hair! - That is not your hair! As long as you live in this house, it's my hair.
Everything you have is mine! Your liver? I'm letting you borrow it.
You could at least admit it's cute.
Cute?! It's not cute! [Hans Gruber oinks.]
A pig in a skirt that's cute! Ugh! These girls are killing me! I need to lie down.
Where are you going? Target.
My girls are growing up and not bending to my will.
They're forming their own opinions.
Ugh.
It's your fault, Katie.
You always ask them "What's the matter?" when they're crying.
Personally, Katie, I don't see what's wrong with your children being their own people.
- Surprise, surprise.
- What? Taylor is just trying to be popular, and Anna-Kat is just showing some independence.
Who invited lesbian Dr.
Phil to breakfast? Uh, just because I care about my kids' feelings Yeah, so dumb.
You're dealing with a full-on uprising.
You can't talk things through with them.
You need to crush them before your house - becomes like Angela's.
- Um, my house is a safe space where everyone is allowed to openly express their truths.
[Both laugh.]
Kids! I respect that you enjoy spraying water in the house, but I've asked you to stop, and now I'm feeling a little unheard.
[Both laugh.]
I can see you're not in a place to discuss the issue right now, so we can talk about it at bedtime.
Which is, as always, at your discretion.
[Both laugh.]
So yeah, I'm a good mother.
- But your story didn't prove - I'm a good mother.
Mm.
Kids, line up! [Door closes.]
You are all going to start behaving right now.
Okay, Mom, I'll dye my hair back.
And I'll eat meat again.
And I'll stop with the erections.
Yes! I'm the best mom ever.
So, which passage? Oh, God! I must've fallen asleep.
Come on, Katie.
What's your favorite passage? I don't need to pick a passage.
I know everything about this guy.
You don't even know his name.
You keep calling him "Rod Stewart Mill.
" Mom, my phone's not working.
Get your keys.
We need to go get a new one.
What is wrong with you? Why are you just standing there?! This is my life, and I'm being cut off! I'm missing things! Well, Taylor, since you're doing what you want with your hair, I'm doing what I want with my phone.
You see, it's mine, because I paid for it, so I turned the service off.
You are the worst! A couple of days without her cellphone - that just might do it.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
And just to be sure [Echoing.]
Where's all my stuff?! If you're old enough to dye your own hair, then you're old enough to get your own stuff! - You got rid of all her things? - I did.
Everything? Her bed, her dresser? - All of it's in the garage.
- How did you You know how when a child is stuck under a car, a mother's love can give her superhuman strength? Turns out, it also kicks in when a mother's really pissed.
Mm.
And you.
You're coming with me to shop for your very own dinner.
That sounds like fun.
Sorry, Katie.
I just can't get my head around this.
That dresser's 200 pounds.
Rage, Greg.
It makes me strong.
Welcome to Hell.
This aisle is filled with all sorts of vegan nightmares.
Here's some deodorant that doesn't work, something called yeast butter, and ooh a guy with his hair in a bun.
He looks homeless, but he's spending 15 bucks on hemp milk.
Okay.
For dinner, I was thinking I'll just fill this thing with this slimy stuff.
As long as it didn't have parents, I'll eat it.
- Excuse me.
- [Dramatic note plays.]
Everything in this aisle is just so natural.
Ugh.
I need a bath and a turkey leg.
Katie Otto, in my aisle, buying tofu.
Give it a rest, Tara.
No, it's still fun.
Anna-Kat, did you know that leather comes from cow skin? Your mother's purse used to be an animal.
Oh.
No.
Not this purse.
Excuse me.
Would you please get that blue jar of Veganaise for me? My pleasure.
[Dramatic note plays.]
No.
It's my pleasure.
Sloppy joes? Sloppy joes are my favorite.
They are? Too bad you don't eat meat anymore.
Your dinner is this.
It's called brown-loaf.
- And it tastes exactly like it sounds.
- Yuck.
Hey, you should picture that next time you lift Gina Tuscadero.
Okay, Mom.
Ha ha ha.
I get it.
I can't use your plates or your silverware.
But come on.
It's sloppy joes.
I'll make a mess.
Actually, blondie, you don't get it.
If you're old enough to dye your hair, then you're old enough to make your own dinner with your own food.
I'm calling Child Services! With what? Ugh! Uprising crushed.
Opinions and ideas squelched.
Children sad.
Mom happy.
Husband messy.
How does it taste, Anna-Kat? Brown and loafy? It tastes like dirt.
I love dirt.
I just used the family computer to order myself a pizza and an air mattress.
Should be here in 30 minutes or less.
How the hell did you do that? I have some birthday money saved up, and the Internet is awesome.
It is awesome.
The Internet, not that she outsmarted you.
That's awful.
Brown-loaf awful.
Brown-loaf is my new favorite.
Wow, Katie, you have really lost control.
[Groans.]
I cracked down on my kids, like you suggested, but it only made them crappier.
Well, then, you have to double down.
Give Taylor a one-way bus ticket to Norwalk.
Let her fend for herself, live in a box with her huffer friends, and she'll come crawling back.
Now, as for Anna-Kat, I'm thinking, uh dog crate for a few days, and then throw in a hamburger.
Saying things like that is why those people came and talked to you at your house.
You know what I think you should do talk to them not as a parent, but as a person.
Oh, my God, here we go.
Listen, if you shut your kids down all the time, they'll start doing things behind your back.
My parents gave me a long leash, so I felt comfortable talking to them.
And by the time I was Taylor's age, I knew I could tell them I was gay.
Some of my friends weren't so lucky.
They hid who they were and led a secret life, which sucked for them.
So, sure, your kids need to know you as a parent, but at a certain age, they need to know you as a person.
Give them your heart and give them your soul, and they'll know they can come to you with anything.
If Katie wasn't here, you and I would not be friends.
So, I'm going to stop taking Doris' advice and try Angela's way.
I'm gonna embrace the fact that Taylor's changing and try talking to her like a person.
Hey, if that works on her, maybe you should try it on me.
- Noooo! - Noooo! Are you gonna try talking to Oliver again? Yeah.
You know, I finally found a passage for my reading, and it inspired me to try to give him some perspective.
So you inspired yourself? [Chuckling.]
Yeah, well I guess I did.
Perhaps you should read it.
It may help you with Taylor, as well.
Uhhhhhhhhhhh Whoa! You're doing homework without being forced or threatened? Yes.
See what you've reduced me to? I came here to tell you that when I was your age, I desperately wanted a belly ring.
But instead of asking Grandma for permission, I had Jill Tate shove a safety pin right through my belly button.
Didn't that hurt? It would've, but I was super hi I had a super-high pain tolerance back then.
- Uh-huh.
- So, anyway, my piercing got infected, obviously, but I couldn't ask my parents for help.
So what'd you do? Wore a lot of baggy shirts.
And eventually, I had to steal my dog's antibiotics, which did the trick.
But without his medication, Duke lost most of his fur.
I'm sorry I dyed my hair without permission.
Why didn't you come talk to me first? Because I knew you would say no.
Sounds like me.
How 'bout this? I won't automatically say no to things if you promise to talk to me first.
Deal.
- So I can keep my hair? - Absolutely not.
That is not grandfathered into our new understanding.
And even with our new understanding, I still would say no.
I don't see what I've won here.
Very little.
[Door closes.]
- How did it go? - [Sighs.]
I gave him my best stuff, but he's still not going to ballet.
[Hans Gruber oinks.]
Ooh.
Suddenly, I feel underdressed.
[Oinks.]
Basically, I told Oliver he shouldn't let embarrassment stop him from doing something he loves and he needs to soldier through it.
And even though it doesn't seem like it now, one day, this will all just be a funny story he tells at parties.
I've got a much shorter story about my talk with Taylor.
I crushed it! [Oinking.]
Who's doing this? My reading is in an hour! I can't find any of my belts! Leather belts are made out of animals, so I gave them all a proper burial.
[Sighs.]
I will help you kill Tara Summers.
Okay.
But I want this face to be the last one she sees.
Honey, you look great.
Don't worry.
Kids, I made a new recipe veggie chicken.
What's it made out of? Tofu.
And what's the bone made out of? Also tofu.
Even though I have to talk things out more with Taylor, Anna-Kat is 8.
I don't have to treat her like a person.
Lying to her works just fine.
Good crowd.
And that's why I love you.
Good evening.
My name is Gregory Otto, and I am the author.
I'd like to begin the evening with a reading from my book "John Stuart Mill and the Consequences of a Thoroughgoing Empiricist Outlook.
" "London, 1806.
A philosopher is born.
" It's too bad the advice Greg gave Oliver didn't work, because it was spot-on.
"John's father, historian and political theorist James Mill" Oh, my God.
It's just like "The Matrix.
" Oliver can't be told how to soldier through embarrassment.
He has to see it for himself.
"all it knows from the external world.
Whatever pleasure is derived from internal processes can be attribute to the external stimuli.
The" [Crowd murmuring.]
[Clears throat.]
"Mill's canonical work on utilitarianism, aptly entitled 'Utilitarianism', argues for a thoroughgoing empiricist, himself, a trait inherited from Bentham and all other conclusions" Thank you.
I get what you did.
You were publicly embarrassed, but you didn't quit.
Yep.
That's why I had your mother do that.
So you're not gonna quit ballet? No.
I'm just gonna triple up on tights.
You.
What? We talked about one of us embarrassing ourselves to make a point.
Did you really think it was going to be me? I thought maybe, but I live a whole secret life in my head.
I thought you sounded great out there.
And when your book comes out on tape, I'm gonna read it.
Aww.
Thanks, honey.
I mean that now.
Can't imagine I will.
[Grunting.]
Anna-Kat, are you sure this is the place? Honestly, I don't remember.
You put me on the spot, and I pointed.
Why don't you just buy a new belt? I'm not buying a new belt when there's a perfectly good belt buried somewhere in this backyard.
[Grunts.]
Oh, my Greg! See, Oliver? Another classic Otto story.
- [Gasps.]
- Ooh! That's it.
I'm not having kids.
This madness ends with me.