Andromeda s02e03 Episode Script

And if this were the old days, I would note this in my permanent files.
So you want to lodge an official protest against inviting Doge Miskich on board.
Hosting negotiations between Miskich and Clarion of Loss is like trying to juggle live plasma grenades.
High risk, high reward.
If we pull this off, the Than Hegemony will owe us a huge debt, and if we don't try, they'll destroy Pierpont Drift.
Pierpont Drift is a den of thieves.
I say let the Than blow them up.
Well, that is why *you* are not conducting the negotiations.
Doge Miskich boarding.
I think I should look a little more official.
You too.
I was hoping for a tour of your command deck, not a view of my own back yard.
Command is being retrofitted.
We, uh, sustained some damage recently.
And you don't want me to see the good toys.
Heh That's a nice looking orbital you've got there, Doge Miskich.
It's vibrant and prosperous.
Yes, yes.
Flattery aside, Captain, do you expect me to hand over my most valuable possession to a hive of bugs? The Hegemon's Heart may be a valuable gemstone to you, but to the Than it's a sacred relic - one that they claim you stole.
Ach! Bought, stole - the Than haven't owned that jewel in five generations.
We both know the truth.
The Than want to control this system, and they're using the Heart as an excuse to attack! Sounds to me like a good reason to negotiate.
I've got a better idea.
This is a Commonwealth battle cruiser A Glorious Heritage Class Heavy Cruiser, XMC10-284.
How 'bout I give you forty million throne, and you fight them for me? Yeah, yeah you see, I- I'm not a mercenary.
And the Andromeda's services they just aren't for sale.
Captain, on Pierpont Drift, everything is for sale.
Look at this scrap heap.
No offense.
Looks like my toolbox puked.
You always say that about orbital habitats.
You'd rather walk on *dirt* I suppose? I prefer the term "soil" rich, moist.
Visualize, Beka, the green hills of Earth purple mountains majesty and waving fields of grain.
Rain, mud, unfiltered air, Magog raids.
Thanks, I'll take a nice artificial gravity field.
We have nothing in common.
Why do I worship you? Uncharacteristic bout of good taste.
What I don't get is the Thran-Thre-Kull outmuscle Doge Miskich's "Rent- An-Army" by at least fifty to one.
Why don't they just carpet bomb this tinker toy and take that Hegemon's Heart with extreme force? Because the Doge is a thief, not an idiot.
He signed on with the Free Trade Alliance.
Mess with him, you mess with the FTA Enforcement Wing.
The next thing you know, you'd be knee deep in an interstellar war.
Thief.
Got it.
Going wide.
Here.
So the troll has backup, huh? Look, lady I'm no lady, I'm a starship pilot.
And I'm a cop.
Leydon Bryce Hawkins, head of the Doge's security force.
In that case, shouldn't you be the one chasing the crooks? Stealing's legal here.
Hmmm - really.
What a unique and refreshing cultural viewpoint.
Now excuse me while I go steal back my ID.
It's legal if you're a citizen of Pierpont, which you're not.
But, assaulting a security officer, now there's a felony.
- I am not the criminal here.
- Ok, we'll see about that.
Rebecca Valentine.
Counterfeiting, smuggling, fraud.
Known associates Seamus Harper.
Grand theft spacecraft and interstellar flight to avoid prosecution and public lewdness? Only the one time! Hmmmm.
Tyr Anasazi.
Assault, battery, mayhem, and attempted murder.
Trance Gemini.
Petty theft, grand theft, theft, theft, theft.
You know, the only one who's not a criminal in your entire crew is Dylan Hunt, and I got my eye on him.
Hmmmm what do you think? Better with the blonde or the red? In fact, I've got my eye on all of you.
Seamus.
Lucky us.
He is the last guardian of a falling civilization, A hero from another time, faced with the universe and chaos.
Dylan Hunt recrutes an unlikely crew and sets out to re-unite the galaxies.
On the starship Andromeda, hope lives again Episode 2x03 A Heart for Falsehood Framed Captain Hunt, Doge Miskich, may I introduce Red Glow at Daybreak Hails a Bloody Shadow, Clarion of Loss.
That is a lovely name, General.
I've earned it.
And I wasn't going for lovely.
Chichin scum! Give me one good reason not to call down my task force right now! I'll give you three.
Free.
Trade.
Alliance! Mess with me, I'll be using your exoskeleton as a hat rack! All right, all right.
That's enough.
You both agreed to a seven-day cease-fire while we negotiate the status of the Hegemon's Heart.
Frankly, I'd destroy you both myself, but he's my captain and I listen to him.
I suggest you do too.
Thank you, Rommie.
Now, look, I'm a soldier.
Diplomacy's not exactly my strong suit either, but trust me: it beats interstellar war any day.
So, let's dust off our old copies of "Negotiation for Beginners" and see if we can avoid any bloodshed.
Seven days.
Not a moment more.
I love a challenge.
I love a challenge.
Pretty.
Very.
But is it an EXACT duplicate of the Hegemon's Heart? Are you kidding? ROMMIE couldn't tell them apart - not without a week of lab work.
Well, if they're this easy to make, then why do the Than want theirs back so badly? EASY?! Ok, first I had to synthesize the silicone in the nanoforge.
Then I had to grow five generations of to organize the crystal.
THEN, I had to modify the AG field to approximate the pressure, and THEN I You're saying it's hard, and you're really amazing? It *is* hard.
And I *am* really amazing.
Beach sand transformed by the acumen of yours truly.
Besides, the real one is the crystallized ventricle of the first Than bug queen.
That's silly.
Than hearts are made of muscle protein.
You said yourself, this is made of silica.
Trance, you're getting jaded in your old age.
I'm not old, I'm young.
Trance Gemini and goal.
Almost drops the puck, but she regains control, and SAVE! Hockey.
No one has played hockey in like a thousand years.
Oh yeah? How do you know? You ever SEEN a hockey game? Were you there? Let's focus, people.
We're not gonna get past Leydon Bryce Hawkins with history lessons.
He's smart.
And cute.
A fact which, like your age and place of origin, has really nothing to do with the task at hand.
Good point.
You know? I'd forgotten how much fun this is.
Yuck.
Tyr doesn't know what he's missing.
Ok, so what have we got? Just your run-of-the-mill security system designed by typically anal-retentive, paranoid Perseid control freaks.
You've got pressure sensitive flooring, micro-targeted antigravity fields, infrared digi-cams.
Zero-G security nanobots? That can't be good.
Move over big brother.
Hey! Just hanging out? Feeling blue? Sorry.
Uh, Beka? I don't think we heard them right.
I don't think they said "Stealing is legal.
" I think they said "Stealing is LETHAL.
" That's only if they catch you.
Leydon? You in there? Listen, I'm approaching the "will kill for food" stage, and, uh, the museum closes in about an hour.
What say you meet me at the Valley Forge gardens.
I hear it's got nice, uh, soil.
She's in? Enjoy.
Stay out late.
Hello.
Why, Tyr.
I didn't know you liked gardens.
New work clothes.
This all very, um, good.
Increased ease of movement.
ECM grid woven in, I suppose.
No place for a sidearm, but I imagine you could bludgeon someone to death with that purse.
Jealous? Of a backwater night watchman? Of what could be the crime of the century.
It's not too late to join in, you know.
I have methods of my own.
Hmmph.
Your loss.
Hi.
Hey.
Am I interrupting anything? Not at all.
What was that all about? Oh, you know Neitzchean males - always marking territory.
You've gotta be careful, or he sprays the trees.
Not on my watch.
Shall we? So, have you proven that Dylan's the ringleader in a gang of ruthless criminals yet? No, not yet.
Your captain's reputation's rapidly approaching legendary status.
But still, he's not the one the Premier Kwan called upon when she needed to escape from Blackwell's World, huh? That was a fancy piece of smuggling, Captain Valentine.
Please.
I played taxi-cab.
And anyway, it's nothing compared to the making off with the Bordeaux Crown of Holyoke in a beer barrel.
What do you mean? Leydon, my father read me police blotters for nighttime stories.
You didn't think I'd make you? I know a bounty hunter on Rough'n'Ready who has your picture on his dartboard.
I like you better without the, uh, goatee, by the way.
Of course, I have no idea what you mean.
Of course.
Can I ask you something? Schroedinger's Cat? What kind of person calls himself that? Well, speaking strictly as a security officer, I assure you that no self-respecting thief would ever - EVER - give himself a name like that.
It's too flashy.
Well, whoever the Cat really is, he's very good.
Or, he used to be.
Maybe.
Too bad, though.
I've used the Bordeaux heist in training simulations.
And I've always wanted to listen to the infamous Valentine music library.
That wasn't theft.
That was archeology.
Coming? Is that, uh, fungus you have up there? Green Bay Cargo One is closed due to renovation.
Please redirect your travelers to Red Bay Cargo Four.
I have nothing of yours, Neitzchean.
I imagine you've got something I want.
Maybe I do, maybe I don't.
I'm rather certain you do.
Now tell me, you hideous little creature, were I endeavoring to purchase something rare and valuable in this place, with whom would I wish to speak? Depends.
Do you offer a commission for my services? Maybe I do.
Maybe I don't.
Hey, come here.
I want to show you something.
Come on.
Trust me.
Trust you.
Couldn't we start with something easier? Perpetual motion, maybe? Universal translator? Come on.
Come on.
Nice.
Oh, don't tell me.
I'm afraid of heights.
You can't be afraid of heights.
You're a pilot.
You live in.
I live in space.
You fall in space, you keep falling.
There's nothing to splat on.
I won't let you splat.
It's beautiful.
Exactly.
Leydon, what happened to you? What is the best thief in the galaxy doing guarding a room full of rocks and bones for Miskich? Just needed a job.
Pierpont's the only place that would take me in.
You're telling me you've gone straight.
Schroedinger's Cat? Ah, man, I loved being a crook, you know? For a long time - outlaw, rebel, loner, play by your own rules - it's romantic as hell.
Yeah.
Anyway, it just, uh, it just stopped working for me.
I wasn't getting the buzz anymore, so I decided to stop being on the outside and come in.
So Am I making any sense here? 'cause More than you know.
We've got a situation in Section 4.
Can you handle? I'm on my way.
One more thing before I go.
Now, Miskich is not a buffoon.
He's ruthless, and he's got a nasty temper.
So, no matter how much I love that crooked smile of yours, you are NOT ripping off my museum.
Whatever you say, officer.
Ok.
You'd better get going.
Section 4.
Harper, what do we know? We can pull this off, Beka.
But only if, and it's a big "if", I can access the museum's central clock.
I'll need fingerprints and DNA.
In that case, we're in.
Doge.
General.
Hey! Heh, if we could all speak Common, it would be most helpful.
I refuse to argue the legality of this "person's" theft.
The Hegemon's Heart is a sacred relic.
My people have owned it for ten thousand years.
Ancient history.
I have it now.
That's all that matters.
Actually, Commonwealth law has very specific provisions regarding religious artifacts.
The Commonwealth is gone.
The stone is on Pierpont, and according to our local ordinance, it belongs to me.
No one cares about your self-serving apology for law and order.
General, I'd be very interested in learning more about Pierpont Drift's unusual statutes.
I think Fine! But my patience and our cease-fire are rapidly reaching an end.
Have you met with your principle? And is he amenable to my proposition? Huh? Him? Oh, yeah, he's fine.
But this isn't enough.
That's the amount we agreed on.
Yes, well, finding what you wanted was harder than I thought.
We need a new deal.
Make me an offer.
I offer not to pull your heart out through your eye socket and nail it to your forehead.
That's very reasonable.
How's noon tomorrow? My, look at the time.
Harper, can I come out now, please? Not yet, my purple princess.
If I don't disarm those nanobots, and anything bigger than a housecat moves around in there, it's gonna sound like the Vedran Empress Day parade.
All right, just hurry.
It's stuffy in here, all right? I'm hurrying, I'm hurrying.
Hello, Leydon's hand.
Add a little DNA courtesy of Mr.
Kissy-Kiss, and Yes! It likes me.
It really likes me! Thank you, Harper.
Wow! Have I told you lately how amazing you are.
No, Trance, you haven't.
But you're welcome anyway.
Remember not to step on the floor! A cyber-patch is useless against a spring-loaded floor.
Just do it like we practiced.
When we practiced, we messed up.
Except that part.
Ok.
Let's bring it.
Hee haw! Ok.
Now when I freeze the security system's internal clock, time will stand still for precisely twenty seconds.
Is that long enough for you? Do I have a choice? No.
All right.
Cut the field.
Eighteen.
Seventeen.
Sixteen.
Fifteen.
Fourteen.
Thirteen.
Twelve.
Uh, Eleven.
Ten.
Nine.
Eight.
Six.
Got it.
Would you like me to kill them for you? Yes.
Wait! I'm just kidding.
I've got a better idea.
Next time I offer to broker peace talks between a Chichin gangster and a Than warlord, just kill me.
All right.
Kidding, again.
Captain, why don't you simply let them fight it out.
Because, they're potential allies, and we can use all the friends we can get.
How's Plan B coming along? On Pierpont, everything is for sale.
We should have a new player on the field tomorrow.
Good.
I suppose I can stall the negotiations for that long.
I just wish I didn't have to be in the same room with them while I did it.
Oh! You are as spineless as you are dishonest! I'll expect the Heart returned to me within 24 hours, Captain.
What's going on? The Free Trade Alliance.
They betrayed me - withdrew their support.
I can't hold off a Than attack alone.
They'll pay for this, I swear.
No one crosses Miskich Var Miskich and gets away with it! He didn't pay his FTA dues.
Six months in arrears.
I intercepted the message.
Damn.
I should have anticipated that.
Perhaps.
You've got a contingency plan.
About that.
Beka would like to see you on the Eureka Maru, Captain.
Great.
Hey! Good timing.
Champagne flute? Are, uh, we celebrating what I think we're celebrating? Hey.
Catch.
Fell off the back of a landing pod.
Uh-huh.
That's-that's-that's-that's great.
Uh, it's good work, Beka.
Uh all of you.
You know, I'm impressed, boss.
You missed your calling.
You'd have made one great criminal mastermind.
Hey, we're not criminals.
We're a covert operations team.
Besides, it's legal to steal here.
Only if you're citizens of Pierpont.
Technically, I'm afraid we are all thieves.
Using a small evil in service to a greater good.
Well, it's not like we're going to keep the Heart.
Right.
You know, I've been thinking.
What if we just got the hell out of here right now and cashed that puppy in.
No one would be the wiser.
Some of us ARE the wiser.
Let's just stick to the plan, ok? Yeah, the-the plan.
You know, a - about that.
Uh, unfortunately, there's been a, uh, slight glitch.
Glitch? Uh, Doge Miskich lost his fire support.
He didn't pay his FTA dues, which means his only way out is to return the Heart to the Than himself.
That's not a glitch.
That's a snafu.
Harper's copy will never fool the Than.
If Miskich gives them a fake Oh, yeah.
They'll kill everyone on Pierpont Drift.
So, now we have to put it back.
Exactly.
Thanks.
Trance! Harper! I just got a missive from Rev Bem.
He's converting heathens by the truckload on (?Quolek?).
.
Guys? Damn! That one.
Yoshidono.
I win.
Fools rush in.
Now, you owe me four million, three hundred and twenty-thousand thrones.
Remember, all debts I incur in this game are dependent upon my share of the rock.
Assuming, of course, we abandon this stupid "Put it back where we found it" fiasco and sell it at market value.
Now that's an ante.
Boss, we were just kiddin'.
We don't want to sell it.
Sell it.
Keep it.
Throw it away.
I don't care.
It's not the real Heart.
But But, I - I switched it myself.
You exchanged our fake for another fake.
What do you know.
Mine was better.
We got beaten to the punch.
Now we have to find the real stone.
I believe I know where to look.
Yep.
So do I.
You know, the more I find out about you, the better this retirement plan of yours looks.
Take your expense reports, for example.
Very imaginative.
You got ahold of my personnel file.
How'd you do that? This is Pierpont.
Ten guilders buys you a lot of looking the other way.
My favorite was the part where you had to investigate a lead on Infinity Atoll during fishing season.
That was classic.
And how did you ever manage to promote yourself a trip to Shindau? Shindau? Oh, that was, uh I was chasing a bail-jumper.
Hey, well, it's not my fault he had a great taste in safehouses.
Did you manage to see the Dragon's Tomb? I hear it's incredible.
Oh, no, I missed that.
It was, uh, it was looted right before I got there, so Hmmm.
Bad luck.
Yeah.
Hey, didn't you get to Charo Prime right after that big diamond heist, too? More bad luck, I suppose.
Are you accusing me of something? No.
I was just thinking you're awfully young to retire.
Careful.
That thing'll take your hand off.
Boy Scout.
Yeah, that's me.
So, here we are, just a couple of law-abiding folk, juststrolling.
In a garden full of man-eating plants.
So, what do two normal people on a drift full of criminals do for fun? Well, what took you so long? Your ship wouldn't let me call my office.
The general's idea of conversation is reciting her weapons inventory.
Oh.
Well, you know, I'm sorry I missed that.
I'm sure it was fascinating.
I - I'm late because I wanted to consult the codes.
And? And, uh, well, there are still some details we need to work out.
What details? I give the Than their Heart.
They leave.
The end! Where? General, you'll want the Heart returned to you on your flagship, correct? That is correct.
- And you'll want to do it on Pierpont.
- Of course.
Yeah, well then, we still have some negotiating to do.
Refreshments? Find what you were looking for? Actually, I was looking for a hunk of crystallized silicate about yea-big.
Seen it? Funny, I was gonna ask you the same thing.
Play it.
PLAY IT.
Trance Gemini.
Hmmm.
Will you look at that.
A video record of Trance swapping a fake jewel fora fake jewel.
What is the penalty for grand theft FAKE around here, anyway? Death.
If you steal from Doge Miskich, the penalty is death.
Ok, now I'm confused.
Me too.
Come here.
Good, you made it.
Uh, there's been a slight problem.
Let me explain.
Follow me.
Ok, so he stole from his museum and set us up to take the fall.
Slick.
Despicable, but slick.
I can admire that.
But when he fried that thing I swear, I just don't know which end is up anymore.
Well, guys do crazy things when they're in love.
You been watching old holo-dramas again? Oh, is it so hard to believe someone could fall for you? Nearly as hard as it is for me to believe that you missed a surveillance camera.
I know! That is unbelievable! He's good.
Quick on the uptake, smart, completely fearless.
He reminds me of - You.
He reminds you of you.
Then I know I can't trust him.
Anasazi.
Outstanding.
So, loverboy, how much for the stone? I think you got it all wrong, here.
Beetle said he was bringing me someone who could tell me about the stone.
I'm here to question you.
Please.
You took the Hegemon's Heart and replaced it with a fake.
My colleagues stole the fake.
I want the real one.
Not for the Than, not for Captain Hunt's Commonwealth - for me.
So, I'll ask again.
How much for the stone? Well, if I had it, it would be, uh, say, fifty million guilders? How are you feeling about my counteroffer? You don't think I'd actually come here without security, do you? Can't blame me for trying.
No.
You know the old saying.
A leopard never changes his spots? Well, I was thinking "It takes a thief to catch a thief.
" I played right into your hands, didn't I? What did you do, steal the rock the day I arrived? Legally, I didn't steal anything.
But, I did put the genuine Heart in my pocket the day after I became a citizen of Pierpont, six months ago.
It's why I took the security job in the first place.
Look at her.
Man, she's flawless.
How could I resist this? So, you stayed, collecting a paycheck from Miskich and pulling outside jobs on the weekend.
Isn't that a little dangerous, even for Schroedinger's Cat? It's a lot less dangerous than trying to escape.
Unless you pointed him at another target.
Which is where you and your merry band of thieves came in.
It was such a good plan.
It's too bad it fell apart.
Not to admit defeat or anything, but I don't see how it fell apart.
You have the real stone, the cops are after Tyr.
What happened? You happened.
Here.
It's worth a Nightsider's ransom.
Beka, we could have it all, a clean slate.
All you gotta do is marry me - become a citizen of Pierpont.
A citizen.
So this would be purely a legal arrangement.
The fringe benefits aren't lost on me.
What's it gonna be? So, what? We run away together? Well, we'd make a hell of a team.
One problem.
I already have a team.
No, no.
So, what are you saying? Last night was just an excuse to search my room? Come on, I don't buy that.
You could've broken in any time you wanted to.
I'm a way easier mark than the museum.
You're hardly easy.
It's my men.
I haven't trained them very well.
They could shoot us by accident.
Meet me on the Eureka Maru in one hour.
You mean that? Show up and find out.
Dylan, the Than fleet is moving.
They're vectoring toward Pierpont Drift at thirty-five PSL.
Maintain scanning and arm defensive missile tubes.
Where's Beka? Unknown.
General, your fleet is on the move.
Why? Time's up, Captain.
Not according to our agreement.
We still have two hours.
And in precisely two hours, my fleet will be in position to attack! It's almost too good to be true.
Oh, this is real.
All of it.
Leydon, if something If it all goes splat - Splat? Just trust me, ok? Nothing is going to happen, hmmm.
You might be surprised.
Tyr, what the hell are you doing? I could ask you the same question.
Shall we? There's someone I'd like you to meet.
Hawkins? Good, that's everyone.
You may be wondering why I've called you all here today.
It's time to return the Hegemon's Heart to its rightful owner.
It's about time.
Well done, Valentine.
Calliope, San-Ska-Re, Shintaida.
One treasure map, no waiting.
Scan and record image.
Scanning.
Recording.
Complete.
Hope it was worth it.
That's the Heart? The real one? It certainly is.
So, the one in the museum Fake.
Substituted by a clever thief.
Ah, and you recovered the genuine Heart.
You might say that, yes.
"Recovered" is certainly a more flattering word than "Stole".
Hawkins! You stole from me?! Do you know what I do to people who steal from me?! - I didn't steal it.
- We can worry about that later.
Right now, I believe it's time for that exchange.
General, I'm sure the Hegemony will be delighted that you've achieved a peaceful solution to the stalemate.
It might not be as good as a victory, but hey, it'll have to do.
It may suffice.
If it's the real Heart.
It's not.
Go ahead, check it.
It's a fake.
She's the thief.
I was using it to lure her out.
Check it, by all means.
Boy, am I glad to see you.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm glad to see you too.
It's flawless.
Trust me.
Captain? It is the Hegemon's Heart.
And I was so looking forward to a nice little war.
Well, you see there? Everybody wins.
That's what the Commonwealth always strives for.
And what do I win? No one's blown you out of the sky.
You gave me up, just like that.
I had no choice.
It was the only move I had left.
I would have covered for you - told Miskich you were duped.
He would have believed me.
Why? They already won the game.
Is that what it was? A game? Wasn't it? Yeah.
Sure.
Smile.
Well done.
Leydon? Maybe we'll play again some time.
Yeah, maybe.
Triagonal prismatic quartz crystal.
Trace elements of vanadium, chromium, manganese, and cobalt.
Eighty-two point two five grams.
I wonder how many of these fake Hearts are out there.
I lost count at three.
You never lose count of anything.
And I assume you could tell the difference the whole time.
Of course.
Harper is sweet, but he still believes pretty much anything I tell him.
"Oh, I'm sorry, I may have a brain the size of a planet, but I can't tell the difference between one pretty rock and another.
" Just as long as the Than got the real one.
- They did.
- Good.
I was wrong.
I didn't think Beka could be trusted to complete the mission.
She came through, though, in the end.
Still, you took a big risk, trusting her.
Well, that's the thing.
I'm not a computer.
I can't do a spectrographic analysis with my eyes.
Sometimes I have to take risks to be able to tell the real hearts from the fake ones.