Animaniacs (2020) s02e03 Episode Script

theme song playing ♪
‐ It's time for Animaniacs! ♪
And we're zany to the max ♪
So just sit back and relax ♪
You'll laugh till you collapse ♪
We're Animaniacs! ♪
‐ Come join the Warner Brothers ♪
‐ And the Warner Sister Dot ♪
Just for fun, we run around
the Warner movie lot ♪
They lock us in the tower
whenever we get caught ♪
But we break loose and then vamoose
and now you know the plot ♪
We're Animaniacs ♪
Dot has wit and Yakko yaks ♪
Wakko packs away the snacks ♪
Our careers have made comebacks ♪
We're Animaniacs! ♪
Meet Pinky and the Brain
who want to rule the universe ♪
A brand new cast who tested well
in focus group research ♪
Gender balanced, pronoun neutral ♪
And ethnically diverse ♪
The trolls will say we're so passé,
but we did meta first ♪
We're Animaniacs ♪
You should see our new contracts ♪
We're zany to the max,
there's baloney in our slacks ♪
We're animan‐ey, totally insane‐y ♪
‐ Mutton is gamey ♪
‐ Animaniacs! Those are the facts ♪
♪
‐ Hey, look!
[all grunt]
What should we do? See a movie?
‐ Go to the gas station and fill
our pants with Freezyshakes?
‐ Let's rip it up in a shocking
rebuke of late capitalism!
You don't own me, five dollars!
[straining]
YAKKO: Gimme that!
I've got a better idea.
[gavel banging]
‐ Alrighty, listen up, folks.
Today's auction winner
will be the proud owner of unit 739,
abandoned for 20 years.
Who knows what treasures it holds?
Golf clubs? Golf balls? Golf bags?
Golf shoes? Golf tees?
A fake golf club you can pee into when
nature makes an emergency call
on the 13th hole?
[crickets chirping]
They're a real thing.
I've seen the infomercials.
Anyhoo, bidding starts at one dollar.
One dollar. Who's got one dollar?
Now, two. Now, two. Who'll give me two?
Somebody got two. Will you gimme
‐ [overly loud]:
No way we're bidding on this one, Wakko!
My sources say that this one's empty!
AUCTIONEER: Lemme hear five. Who's got
five? Make me feel alive, show me five.
‐ I'm not gonna waste my money on this
when the next unit is filled
with pirate treasure.
‐ Good‐looking unit. Hm.
Too bad it's cursed.
Whole monkey's paw situation, you know?
dramatic musical sting ♪
[woman shudders]
[indistinct whispering]
YAKKO:
Five dollars!
And that's my final offer.
‐ And sold to the dog‐monkeys
with the poor man's Ben Franklin.
[creak, thud]
[lights clicking]
‐ It's perrrrrfect.
[all cheering]
‐ Whoa! An ergonomic office chair!
Ah, I tell you, who needs a credit union
when I could have support like this?
‐ A mattress with a stain that
kinda looks like Vladimir Putin.
patriotic music plays ♪
Ooh!
And here's a magic carpet! Giddy‐up!
♪
Huh. I guess it's broken. Oh well.
But will it blend?
[whirring]
‐ Wait! That's not just any old rug!
‐ Why, thank you!
I just found it in the corner.
[screaming]
‐ That's the Bayeux Tapestry!
[possum squeaking]
‐ Bayeux?
‐ Gesundheit.
‐ Thanks.
‐ Woohoo!
[zap]
‐ After you.
‐ Oh no. I just ate.
I should really wait 30 minutes
before jumping into a magical carpet land.
[grunts]
[zap]
I feel different, do you?
‐ Yeah! We've always been
a little two‐dimensional,
but this is ridiculous.
♪
YAKKO:
Hey guys! Over here!
See? This tapestry tells the story
of William the Conqueror,
the first Norman King of England.
dramatic music ♪
‐ Oh god.
‐ Well, the Normans conquered
England in the year 1066 ♪
Back when dentists weren't a thing
and everyone had fleas and ticks ♪
To commemorate the battle
and their courage in the fight ♪
The Normans made
the Bayeux Tapestry whose tale ♪
I'll now recite ♪
Oh King Edward, he was this guy!
He was ruler, king, and tsar ♪
But the apples from his family
tree had fallen pretty far ♪
When he passed away,
those leeches didn't even wait a day ♪
They all went in for the scepter
like a Vegas night buffet ♪
This guy Harold, Earl of Sussex,
who was rocking this goatee ♪
Put his hand up high and swore,
"Edward gave England to me" ♪
So he had the archebishop
go ahead and crown him king ♪
But our hero said no thanks
to kissing Harold's stupid ring ♪
William of Normandy on France's shore ♪
Duke since the age of 12
and hungry for me ♪
He made a claim upon the throne,
flakier than a croissant ♪
So his name would live forever
in this fun and nifty font ♪
Now, with Harold the Usurper,
Will was wondering how to cope ♪
Then he noticed Halley's Comet
and thought, "That looks pretty dope! ♪
"It's the universe commanding me
to make all England mine ♪
So, I'll bring some boats and horses
and a jug or two of wine" ♪
Good old Willy had an army,
was at least 10,000 strong ♪
They marched every day in chain mail,
more annoying than a thong ♪
Yes, their thighs were really chafing ♪
And their helmets far too tight,
maybe that's why after Hastings ♪
They torched everything in sight ♪
In the middle of the battle,
things were going down the drain ♪
'Cause the Normans heard a nasty rumor
that their duke was slain ♪
So then, Willy took his helmet off ♪
To show he was alive ♪
And the rest is TLDR ♪
But the gist is Harold died ♪
‐ Oh, that's sad.
‐ William the Conqueror,
he stole our hearts ♪
Burned down our houses
and our horses and our carts ♪
With his brothers, Bob and Odo,
he had sailed across the sea ♪
Sure, he killed a lot of people,
but that's ancient history ♪
William the Conqueror,
he was so neat ♪
When enemies mocked him,
he cut off their feet ♪
He's probably getting tortured
down in Hades by some ghoul ♪
But he's related to Elizabeth,
that's why we think he's cool ♪
‐ Now, that's a crash course
in the Tapestry ♪
You'll never learn in school! ♪
[screaming, grunt]
‐ Hey! I was gonna eat that!
[snarling]
‐ Git, you varmint!
[squeak]
‐ Okay, I'm convinced.
The Tapestry goes in the "keep" pile.
‐ Well, what are we gonna
do with the rest of this junk?
♪
YAKKO: Hm
Man, I can't believe the pawn shop gave us
a whole five dollars!
What should we do? See a movie?
‐ Go to the gas station and fill
our pants with Freezyshakes?
‐ Let's rip‐‐
‐ Wait a minute.
Why does this keep happening to us?
[gasps]
‐ Monkey's paw
[screaming]
[thunder]
Pinky & the Brain theme music playing ♪
‐ Gee, Brain,
what do you wanna do tonight?
‐ The same thing we do every night, Pinky.
Try to take over the world!
[thunder]
♪
‐ They're Pinky and the Brain ♪
Yes, Pinky and the Brain ♪
One is a genius ♪
The other's insane ♪
They're laboratory mice ♪
Their genes have been spliced ♪
They're dinky,
they're Pinky and the Brain ♪
Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain ♪
♪
techno music playing ♪
[phone ringing]
‐ 'Yello?
‐ Pinky! It's Brain!
‐ Hold on, let me get him for you.
Brain! Phone!
Brain?
Br‐ain!
[feedback squeals]
Sorry, I don't have him.
Might I take a message?
‐ No, this is Brain, you fool!
Now, listen and listen closely.
I was on my way to purchase
an extremely rare Strontium isotope
to power my latest invention,
a quantum continuance disruptor,
when the unthinkable happened.
[grunts]
[heavy breathing]
[heavy breathing]
[Brain grunts]
♪
I handed the man my bag,
which I believed to contain
$100,000,
but instead, it contained
age‐delaying moisturizer.
[sniffing]
The goons thought I was trying
to pull a fast one on them.
[grunts]
So, they've taken me
hostage in retaliation.
‐ Oh dear. Well, it sounds like
we both had busy days, Brain.
I took a Buzzfeed quiz. But, I failed.
‐ Cease, Pinky!
You have one hour to bring $100,000
to 833 Brockton Street, or else
♪
[hissing]
[gulps]
[snarls]
[Brain screaming over phone]
‐ Oh no! Brain's in trouble!
I need to come up with
a plan to make a lot of money!
Pinky, are you pondering
what I'm pondering?
Oh, well that's not what I was pondering,
but that's a better idea.
Let's do that. Narf!
Oh dear. Did Brain say
60 minutes or one hour?
Oh, if only Brain invented a device,
so I could keep track of time!
♪
[beeping]
[whirring down]
Now, to save Brain!
[clicking, beeping]
[panting] Ah!
[slurping]
techno music playing♪
[snoring]
Ah! Oh‐ah!
Ah! Oh‐ah!
Ah! Oh‐ah!
Ah! Oh‐ah!
[grunts]
[grunts]
‐ Whoa! [groans]
‐ Ow.
‐ Holy smokes! I saw the whole thing!
Luckily, I'm a lawyer, and I can get you
a million dollar settlement for this.
No questions asked.
‐ A million dollars!?
I need $100,000!
♪
‐ Hey, where's that delivery guy at?
‐ What do I look like, a psycho?
‐ You mean "psychic".
‐ Take a few night classes,
and all of a sudden,
you're Michelangelo da Vinci? Please.
‐ Great. I'm stuck listening
to these buffoons
all thanks to that senile centenarian.
She's probably halfway
to Boca Raton by now.
No! Oh!
[hissing]
Hurry, Pinky. My fate rests in your hands.
‐ Look! No hands!
techno music ♪
‐ Hey, pal, got a minute?
‐ Nope! Sorry!
[bell ringing]
[laughing]
♪
[hissing]
[snarls]
‐ You know, uh,
I've read about the health benefits
of intermittent fasting.
[hissing, snarls]
Okay, okay, not for you.
Uh, perhaps veganism is more your speed?
Come on, Pinky.
You've been a bumbling dolt all your life,
but perhaps today is the day
you prove me wrong.
‐ I did it. I can't believe I did it!
Lemonade!
‐ [panting] $100,000?
Seems a bit steep, but
I don't care. I'm so thirsty,
I'd pay anything for a cup.
‐ Cups! I forgot cups!
[beep]
♪
[laughs]
[door buzz]
‐ Pinky! You made it!
[panting]
Pay the men. They'll give us the isotope,
and we can finish building
my quantum continuance disruptor.
‐ Um, the thing is
I didn't get the money.
‐ What?
‐ But I tried real hard!
You see, Brain is
my bestest and only friend
in the whole wide world and
‐ Yeah. I know how you feel.
‐ Yeah. We're best friends, too.
‐ Does this mean you'll let me go?
THUGS:
Nah.
[whirring]
[Brain screaming]
‐ Brain!
[beeping]
[zapping]
[rewinding]
[beep, clicking]
[beep]
‐ Egad! Brain's in trouble!
Hm. I'm having the weirdest
feeling of day spa goo.
Oh well. I know what to‐‐ Ah! [grunting]
[yelling]
[panting, grunts]
Ah! Oh‐ah! Ah! Oh‐ah!
Ah! Oh‐ah!
♪
‐ Hey! I'm delivering food
to some bad guys!
Watch where you're going!
‐ [laughs] That's funny.
I'm trying to save my friend
from some bad guys.
Good luck with yours!
‐ Food's here.
‐ We'll be right back, little buddy.
‐ Keep your hands off me,
you iniquitous stooge! [gasps]
My money! I need to get out of here!
But, how?
♪
‐ Look! No hands!
techno music ♪
‐ Hey, pal, got a minute?
[laughs]
[clang]
‐ [panting] $100,000?
Seems a bit steep,
but I don't care.
I'm so thirsty, I'd pay anything
for some juice.
‐ Juice!
I forgot juice!
♪
[pigeons cooing]
[Brain yelling]
[grunts]
[old woman screaming]
Here it is.
833 Brockton Street.
Brain, I‐‐ Ah!
Uh, zort?
‐ And since you don't have the money
and your friend skipped out on us,
this is gonna happen.
‐ Uh oh.
[click, whirring]
‐ No!
[hissing]
‐ Whee!
[beeping]
[zap]
[zapping]
[rewinding]
[beep, clicking]
[beep]
‐ Today again?
Okay, new plan.
I'm going to do everything differently.
techno music ♪
[snoring]
[panting]
[beep]
[beep]
[panting]
[grunt, panting]
♪
‐ Food's here.
‐ We'll be right back, little buddy.
‐ Keep your hands off me,
you iniquitous‐‐ [gasps]
My money!
Can't let it slip through my hands again,
or else I'll have to rely on Pinky
to pay these goons for the isotope.
Oh I need to get out of here! But how?
♪
‐ Sorry! We're all out of apple juice,
but we have grapefruit juice if‐‐
‐ No, no, no. That's tomorrow's plan.
♪
GUARD:
Hey, pal, got a minute?
You seem trustworthy. Mind watching
my truck while I go grab a drink?
‐ Fine. But, I wouldn't
bother going in there.
They've got nothing.
‐ [laughs]
Almost forgot the parking brake.
♪
[whistling]
[Pinky whimpering]
[cars honking]
techno music ♪
[screaming]
[cars honking, tires screeching]
[groaning, screaming]
♪
[both gasp]
‐ As promised, $100,000.
Now, if you will hand over the isotope
[crash, glass shattering]
Pinky! You made it! With the money!
I‐I can't believe it.
‐ Egad, I I did? [panting]
I did! Yay!
Oh, Brain! You're gonna be okay.
I'm so happy!
‐ Yes, Pinky, well done.
Now, where were we? Ah yes.
You were just about to
hand over the isotope.
‐ Not. So. Fast.
Your friend just destroyed our hideout.
Now, we gotta find a new one.
It's gonna be a whole thing.
‐ Yeah. We were rent‐controlled!
We're keeping all the money,
and you get nothing.
‐ What?
You can't do that!
♪
‐ I guess they can do that, Brain.
‐ I suppose I should scold
you for ruining the deal,
but you were on time with the money.
‐ That's right, Brain. I was on time
every time I came to save you.
‐ On time every time?
‐ Exactly!
All thanks to this shiny watch.
[fizzling, clang]
Uh oh.
‐ Pinky, that watch is my
quantum continuance disruptor!
It disrupts the very fabric of time!
You must've set it for an hour,
and that's why time kept resetting
when you were in range of the isotope.
How many times have you relived this hour?
‐ Hm
♪
One or two. Zort!
‐ Pinky, I know you're lying
whenever you say "zort".
‐ That's not true, Brain. Zort!
‐ Come, Pinky. We must go back to the lab
and plan for tomorrow night.
‐ Why, Brain? What are we
gonna do tomorrow night?
[beeping, zapping]
BRAIN:
The same thing we do every night, Pinky.
Try to take over the world!
Try to take over the world!
Try to take over the wor‐‐
♪
[Warners yelling, laughing]
[coins rattling, clacking]
[overlapping yelling]
‐ Hey, that's insider trading!
[door creaks]
‐ Warners!
You have been online
shopping with my phone again!
‐ What? No we haven't, Scratchy.
♪
‐ Oh really? Then, who was it
that bought a new pink skirt?
‐ Not me.
‐ Then who bought the unlicensed
monster slam gloves?
‐ Beastwipe slam!
[smash, clattering]
‐ Uh huh. And the industrial meat grinder?
‐ What!?
[grinding stops, restarts]
It's always good to have a backup.
‐ Okay, okay.
Enough with fibbing.
It's time for bedzies.
WARNERS: Aw!
♪
‐ Now, for one of my famous
bedtime symposiums.
In this era of lies,
we must remember there are
no two versions of the truth, ja?
And the truth wait a minute.
Is this a new bed?
‐ Why, we don't know
what you're talking about.
We've always had this bed.
‐ Okay! I give up!
I tried to warn you,
but you keep on lying!
Don't come crying to me
when you get a visit from
the Hamburg Tickler.
dramatic sting ♪
‐ What's the Hamburg Tickler?
[thunder]
‐ You've never heard of
the Hamburg Tickler?
[thunder]
I had to learn the hard way
when I was a fancy little boy.
My penchant for sweets
lead me through dark streets ♪
I broke into my grandmother's bakery ♪
I stuffed my young face
with the cookies and cakes ♪
Crept back home full of sugar ♪
And shaky ♪
At my mother's accusal ♪
That I ate the streusel ♪
I blamed it on Fritz ♪
Our Dalmatian ♪
I was thrilled by my lie ♪
But she warned me that I ♪
Would be punished for ♪
Prevarication ♪
He wears a striped dress ♪
And his hair is a mess ♪
And he thinks children's
lies are delicious ♪
He climbs under your sheets
to suck lies from your feets ♪
He's from Hamburg,
the city of bridges ♪
WARNERS:
Are you serious? Is that true? ♪
‐ Warners, would I lie to you? ♪
The Tickler hears your falsehoods
and he comes for you at night ♪
You want proof? I see you scoff ♪
The Tickler sucks your toes clean off ♪
[screaming]
WARNERS: We're sorry Dr. Scratches,
please let us make it right ♪
Here's all the things we ever bought ♪
This bed, this skirt,
this 12‐foot yacht ♪
‐ These imitation Beastwipe gloves ♪
I swear it's not the Hulk ♪
WARNERS: This Picasso, a baby grand,
Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands ♪
This 20‐pack of anvils ♪
Cheaper if you buy in bulk ♪
[crash]
[creak]
NORITA: Ha!
The Warners actually fell for it!
‐ They did! Hook,
line, and Tickler!
‐ You see that?
We got all of our stuff back,
and all we had to do
was tell a little white lie.
‐ You know, I did not realize
lying to children was so easy.
We should do it more often.
[laughter]
♪
[slurp]
[screaming]
Oh no! The Tickler is real!
‐ Don't take my toes!
I just got a pedicure!
[slurp]
♪
♪