Arab Maklum (2023) s02e03 Episode Script

1
Mahmud!
Ya Allah, Mahmud! He's such a pain!
He's never faced the pain, I swear!
"You look hot," he says. Can you imagine?
The moment I leave him alone,
he's flirting with sexy tourists.
-My heart is terribly upset!
-Calm down. Calm down.
-Calm down, calm down.
-I can't!
Seriously, Mahmud really can't be trusted!
Unbelievable!
-Unbelievable!
-For this, I apologize, my friend!
Yes, unbel
-Astagfirullahaladzim! What is this?!
-My car, La! My car!
HELLO BALI
-Bro! How are you?
-How are you?
How are you doing?
I'm good.
Welcome to Bali.
Welcome to Bali.
Yes
My name is Ruben.
-I see.
-My name is Ruben.
-Do you want me to braid your hair?
-Huh?
Yes. I can braid in many styles, you know.
Whether you want small braids,
medium braids,
or large braids, I can do it.
Don't worry.
Once I'm done braiding,
you'll look awesome.
Lots of people will be attracted to you!
-Really?
-Of course.
-I'll start now, okay?
-Wait a minute.
My hair's pretty thin, see?
Can you even braid it?
Yes, I can.
Don't worry, as long as there's
some hair left, I can braid it.
Whether it's thin, short, thick,
or long, I can handle it.
So don't worry, okay?
-I'll start now, okay?
-Wait a minute!
What style will it be?
Well, speaking of styles,
I have many options.
You can choose a reggae style
or a rapper style.
-Wow!
-You can choose whatever you like.
-This one is cool!
-It is!
But these styles
are all for Western faces.
What about my Chinese face?
How's that going to work?
It won't suit me.
Don't worry, I've got styles prepared
for Chinese faces too.
Here, I have a braid style
inspired by Master Wong Fei Hong.
Once I braid your hair,
you'll look just like
those Chinese actors.
That's delicious!
-Delicious?
-Yes.
What do you think?
I can start from the back.
I'm going to pull it back
while giving you a gentle massage.
The result will be amazing.
How is that? Do you want it?
You'll look neat, stylish, and handsome.
That's interesting!
All right.
-So, shall I start now?
-Uh, now?
-Yes.
-Huh? I can't do it now.
Sorry, maybe next time.
Bye.
If you weren't up for it,
you should've said earlier.
I've been talking for nothing.
Astagfirullahaladzim.
Hey, this is Indonesia, right?
-We're not at the foreign border yet?
-Ya Allah, what is this?
Welcome to Bali, Laela!
Didn't I tell you before?
When men come to the beaches of Bali,
they will be so happy. Oui!
-Oh, nice bikini!
-Oh God, that's a tiger pattern.
-Mahmud!
-Mahmud.
-Mahmud, no wonder you're here.
-No wonder!
-Geez, you're such a player.
-Calm down.
Huh!
-Laela, Laela.
-Where is he?
La, what's wrong with you?
What's going on, my friend?
Ya Allah, what is this place, Laela?
Why did you let your husband come here?
-This is just a beach.
-Are you possessed?
-Or are you feeling sick?
-It's just for a holiday!
Nobody is possessed. Just chill!
-Astagfirullahaladzim. No way!
-Why are you being like this?
-We gotta bust Mahmud!
-Why oh, hi.
We're going to fry him.
We're going to skin him.
-Just relax, my friend.
-It's you who need to relax, seriously!
Why do you keep making her more tense?
-Calm down.
-Astagfirullahaladzim.
-I'm not trying to do so!
-Just chill out!
-Ya Allah, Meira!
-Oh, hi!
Oh, hi eh?
-Ya Allah.
-Je m'appelle name
Hello, Koh!
Do you want to get a tattoo?
Your body looks quite plain.
Don't worry,
I can do all kinds of tattoos.
-Nah, I don't want to. It hurts.
-It won't hurt.
This is just a terorary tattoo.
-"Temporary."
-Exactly!
Plus, these tattoos are waterproof,
so they're water-resistant.
But my mom
Speaking of moms, you probably want
a picture of your parents.
-I can do that too.
-But
Just send me a photo.
I can whip it up in like 15 minutes.
-Don't worry, it'll be exactly like it.
-But
But my mom won't allow it.
You should have said so!
I've been trying to,
but you keep interrupting me!
After all this talk, you still reject it.
But hey, does your dad allow it?
-Yeah, he does.
-Awesome!
But he passed away.
I got this!
It's always like this!
Take this!
Aba!
So this is what you're up to, huh?
Are you enjoying yourself here?
Why are you here all angry?
I'm not doing anything weird.
Sitting around on the beach
like this isn't weird?
This is called visual adultery.
Cheating.
Am I not sexy enough for you?
Bored of what you got at home, huh?
Are you enjoying feasting your eyes, huh?
I'm not feasting my eyes.
Don't lie to me.
I've brought my squad to bust you.
Jenab! Meira!
Meira! Take a nice picture of me.
-I want to post it on Instagram.
-Oui!
I gotta go viral. Make it good, okay!
Smile when you're taking it!
Why should I smile?
You're the one being photographed.
Oh, right, I forgot. Now I'll smile.
Come on, hurry up, take the picture.
Nice, nice!
-Is it good? Oui?
-Oui. Good. Magnificent.
I want to check it. Move forward here.
Come here.
Let me see if you did a good job.
I don't care. We're going home right now.
Right now?
Come on, let's stay a bit longer.
It's still fun.
Just stay here so you can see
I'm not doing anything wrong.
No visual adultery.
Oh, you haven't gone for a swim yet, huh?
You still want
Ya Allah, why must they call out to me?
Who are they? Huh?
They said hello. That means
you flirted with them, right?
I just left you for a little while,
and you're already acquainted.
It won't be much longer before
you're married. Isn't that so?
We're going home now!
-They were just friends.
-Go home!
Understand what "go home" means? Go home!
-You mean right now?
-Go home!
Go home? But she's a friend.
Just a friend my foot!
All right, one hand in front.
One in front of your chest
and keep your eyes forward.
-Got it?
-Got it.
Okay, try it again.
Come on.
-No, you're doing it backward.
-Oh!
Okay, lift your chest.
Eyes forward.
Always keep your feet together.
Sheesh!
This is easy!
Sheesh!
Whoa.
You have a talent for this.
-You want to learn to surf, right?
-Yeah.
If you want to learn to surf,
don't just watch.
Just jump in and practice.
You've met the right person, Koh.
I'm a surfing coach.
I can teach you from beginner
to intermediate. How about it?
Uh, wait a second.
Aren't you the tattoo guy?
-No.
-You are!
You are!
-You're mistaken.
-I'm not!
You're the tattoo guy!
You're also the one who offered
to braid my hair, right?
It's you, right?
Watch out, you fell.
Koh, I'm a surfing coach.
I can't braid hair like Wong Fei Hong
or tattoo portraits of parents.
No way.
But if you need surfing lessons,
I'm your guy.
I've got some great sessions.
There's a short session
and a long session.
If you take the short session,
I'll include the rental fee
in the price I give you.
It comes with a board and a free lunch.
How about that?
See? That's just perfect.
It's okay if you fall.
It's normal for beginners.
If I coach you, I guarantee you'll go from
knowing nothing to being able to surf.
The first step in training is to work
on your shoulder muscles.
Because you need to paddle
before you can surf properly.
-It's not something you can just wing.
-Aseng!
How are you?
The boss of Ahlak Tour! How are you?
"Ahlan."
Oh, right. That's what I mean.
-You're the boss of Aloha Tour.
-It's "Halo."
"Halo-Halo."
You like joking around.
Wow!
You seem really stressed,
losing hair and all.
Whoa.
Man, I told you,
if your business isn't doing well,
you should just shut it down.
Seriously.
So, what will it be? Do you want
the short session or the long one?
Hey, move aside!
I'm talking to my friend here.
I haven't seen him in ages.
I want to talk to him now.
Why are you getting in the way?
Aseng has been my buddy for a long time.
Aseng!
Seng!
Be careful, there are many foreigners!
Hey!
Aseng!
Seng!
Whoa, my bird looks awesome.
No matter how cool your bird is,
mine's bigger.
Geez, your bird is lame.
Look at your bird, it's all droopy.
Check out my bird. See?
It's going up again.
Your bird is weak. Mine's better.
They're so noisy.
Look at those tourists.
See? Such tacky tourists.
Look at the one in the green shirt.
Hey, your bird tilts to the left.
Look at my bird! It's an eagle.
What do you have? A crooked bird, huh?
Just by their faces,
you can tell they must be poor.
They're just embarrassing,
making the beach dirty.
Yeah, why do they even come here?
The beach is so nice with white sand,
but they come.
Is that Aseng?
Oh, yes.
Seng!
Aseng!
Seng! Hey!
They're calling you.
Come here.
Come here.
No, no, I'm staying here. Too tired.
Oh, come on, just get over here.
You came all this way to just sit.
Are they your tourists?
They're just your type of tourist.
They look like the kind
who ride cattle trucks, right?
Nah, they take the bus.
Probably a bus with no AC.
Hey, let me tell you something.
When are you going to make money
with tourists like these?
Look at me.
I'm not trying to brag.
You know me, right?
I've always been humble.
You know that, right?
My tourists are always high class.
Wealthy people, rich folks,
all of them generous
and not noisy like them.
Chandra!
Hey, miss!
Hey, miss.
This beach is so basic. You said
it was a high-class private beach.
But what is this?
I was imagining something like Pink Beach.
With cocktails and live music.
But what is this? Just coconut water.
Miss!
This is so lame!
Miss!
Are you looking for a private beach?
With free-flowing cocktails
and live music?
And an elevator straight down
to the beach? You want that?
No!
Stop it!
-Let's go, miss!
-What's your company's name?
-Ahlan Tour. Okay?
-I want that!
Let's go. Let's just go.
Ahlan Tour!
-I want that!
-Let's go.
-I want something like that!
-Instagram?
-One that's luxury and high class.
-Let's go.
This is so bad!
You said it was luxury. Luxury my foot!
Calm down. Calm down, miss.
Why are you pulling me?
It's a good thing I didn't kill you!
I want something like he was offering!
Hey, that travel agency isn't
that great, you know.
Let me tell you, they gave out
expired cocktails last time.
-Seriously?
-Yeah.
Do you want to be throwing up
and having stomachaches?
And their band, you know.
They're just school bands.
They're not any good.
-Ugh, no way!
-Yes.
And for the snacks, they gave out
funeral sunflower seeds.
-Really?
-You don't want a funeral vibe, right?
-No!
-That's why!
Don't go for it.
How are you?
Hello, Koh! Hello, miss!
Check this out.
I have a great collection of souvenirs
that are both awesome and cheap.
One of the items is this.
I have a chain and I also have a key.
If you want it cheaper,
just pick the keychain package.
No, no, no!
Relax, I also have souvenir packages
for couples.
Perfect for you two
to keep things harmonious.
I've got stone bracelets
and pebble bracelets.
If you want them cheaper,
go for the double package.
You'll get a pebble stone bracelet,
and if you get it now,
I'll throw in a bonus rubber bracelet.
A rubber bracelet, you say?
What do you think this is? Ketoprak?
Relax, if you want ketoprak,
I can make it for you too.
Do you want it with lontong or ketupat?
Lontong sounds good.
All right, sis! I'll make it for you.
-No, no, no!
-No, I want luxury!
Ugh, whatever!
Hey, miss!
See? Now she's upset.
Where's the parking lot?
This is the way to the beach.
She's pretty but dumb.
You shouldn't talk like that to your wife.
-She's not
-You should be nice to her.
-Yeah, but she's not
-Give her a gift.
Speaking of gifts, I have the latest
souvenir collection, and they're perfect.
There are sunglasses with whale patterns
and also ones with bunny designs.
You should treat her well.
Give her a gift to keep things
romantic and harmonious.
How could you guys go all the way to Bali,
have a honeymoon, and come back fighting?
-That's not funny.
-Yeah, but she's not my wife.
Just look at her face. We don't match.
We're not a couple.
If she's not your wife, then what is she?
A call girl?
Could be.
But if she's a call girl,
wouldn't she have a sharper chin?
I failed again.
You want to come clean
or make this a big deal?
I was just helping to
take a photo, nothing else.
Why were you even helping with photos?
Is it your job to help people?
She asked for help
with a photo, so I took it.
-Acting all generous, huh?
-I wasn't.
Hey, Jenab! Meira!
Where have you been, Upin, Ipin?
Laela, my friend!
We were taking photos.
I got some amazing shots!
My phone is full of my photos.
The view is gorgeous.
The spots are really amazing!
Oui! Amazing.
But I'm feeling sad.
I could cry because I didn't get
a photo with all three of you.
-Oui.
-Let's retake some photos. Come on.
No, no, no.
I'm tired. We're going home now.
"Reja-reja"?
-I mean let's go home.
-Oh, go home.
-Oui.
-Go home, yes.
Pardon.
I can't give you a ride
because my house is to the right
and your house is the other way.
Pardon. My fur baby needs to eat.
Fur baby?
Who's that? Is that your man or kid?
Mon chien.
Huh? "Moncong"? What does that mean?
Mon chien.
Who's that?
-Dog.
-Why are you calling me a dog?
"Mon chien" means "my dog."
Oh, you have a dog.
Oui.
That's fine. We can go in the company van.
Oui! Pardon. Excuse me!
See you! Au revoir!
-It fits?
-Oui.
-Au revoir.
-Yes.
-Meira, thanks a lot!
-Oui!
-Laela.
-Very good.
It's already done!
You all made it here too.
I told you it was better to go,
but you said, "Ugh, I'm tired.
I'm just going to rest at the villa."
Yeah, we were taking photos
and everything.
We came here because Laela
was worried about Mahmud.
Yeah, it's your fault for dragging Mahmud
to this sketchy beach!
Luckily, my friend Meira has a car.
She's the villa owner.
-Yes, villa.
-Oui.
Meira? Meira's villa?
Oui.
-Finally, we meet.
-Yeah.
This is Aseng.
-Oh, Aseng?
-Aseng.
This is Aseng.
-This is Meira.
-Je m'appelle
She is fluent in French.
Je m'appelle Alex.
Alexander Xavier.
Oh, mon Dieu!
Meira!
-Comment ça va?
-Ça va bien.
Ça va bien.
Alexander Xavier.
-Havier.
-Xavier. Oui!
No, you're Chinese!
What the hell! What's with Xavier?
Okay, you're Alex.
What the heck is Xavier?
What's the problem?
It doesn't fit at all!
Geez!
Hey, Meira.
Have you fixed the water?
Oh, sure, sure.
The technician already came.
-Bien.
-Oui.
Oh, and they fixed
the hot water too, right?
Hot water?
The hot water?
The water heater was broken
so I had to take a cold shower.
Why didn't you mention it earlier?
What's up with you, Seng?
Always causing problems.
Do I have to mention everything?
No water, no hot water,
the grass isn't cut, broken plates.
All right, all right.
The technician will come tomorrow, okay?
Oui? D'accord.
Okay, au revoir!
Yeah? Bien sûr.
Whoa, she speaks French so fluently!
-Oui.
-Yes.
Drive safely, Meira.
Oui.
Oui.
She took great photos! Oui.
Your French sounds like
Sundanese, you know.
She speaks French so well.
-Astagfirullahaladzim!
-Astagfirullahaladzim!
-Ya Allah.
-Au revoir!
-Drive safely!
-Thank you, Meira, my friend!
-My photos turned out great!
-I have to take another cold shower then.
At least it's hot in Bali, Seng.
-Even my heart is burning!
-Astagfirullahaladzim!
Ya Allah! What is it again, my friend?
Seng, I'll sit in the front
and you sit in the back.
No way, I'm not sitting in the back!
Ugh, where is he? It's so hot.
Hey, everyone's already in the car.
Of course, I got them all in.
Hey, Robert!
Who gave you permission
to bring us to this sketchy beach?
But everyone had fun.
Everyone's happy.
Especially you, Ustad.
Aren't you excited, Ustad?
Listen up.
Any guy taken to the beach
who sees women in bikinis
is definitely going to enjoy it!
I just don't want to be taken
to this kind of beach again!
But in Bali, all the beaches
are like this, ma'am.
There is sand,
salty water,
and sometimes there are coconut sellers.
Even my grandma knows that, okay?
I just don't want to go
to beaches anymore.
Who agrees not to go
to the beach tomorrow?
Hey, Jenab!
Astagfirullahaladzim,
why are you so fussy?
Just take your hat off!
Well, I'm at the beach,
so I need to wear a hat.
-Yeah, but it's too low.
-Ya Allah!
You didn't even hear me talking.
Don't talk about photos
or I'll swallow you!
Enough, Mi, enough. Quiet down.
Don't talk so much.
-We're all on vacation.
-Right.
-Just trust Robert!
-What?
You're telling me to trust Robert?
Is that so? You must be joking!
This vacation you've taken me on
feels like an amusement park!
My heart feels like it's
on a roller coaster!
That's right!
No, no.
Sorry, ma'am, I'm not getting involved
in your personal matters.
Now you want to stay out of it?!
You're the one who brought us here.
You can't just wash your hands of it!
You're responsible, Mr. Driver!
-All right, shall we go home then?
-Yes!
Go home? No, no, no,
I don't want to go home.
-What do you want?
-No, no, Ya Allah.
Hear me out, my friend.
This Bali beach is so beautiful.
-We can take photos
-No, no!
Please!
Let's not make a fuss.
At least nobody ate pork.
-What?
-It's all good.
-He's talking about pork.
-Let's go home.
Hurry up! Let's go home!
I don't want to go home.
You wish!
-No, no, Jenab. Don't be ridiculous.
-Ya Allah, you're so mean.
-Don't be ridiculous!
-Driver, driver!
-Let's go.
-Okay then, we're on the way!
Watch out there's a foreigner!
-Astagfirullah!
-Ya Allah, Laela!
-Because of you, we are going home!
-We need to go home, you know!
Geez, Laela!
-It would be a disaster to stay here!
-Ma'am, it's my fault.
Sheesh! The wind is great.
Great wind my foot!
Your kite keeps crashing.
Isn't your kite crashing too?
My bird is stable, you know.
That's nonsense.
It's always going to the left.
But yours is going to the right.
-Well, that's good then, it's balanced.
-Yeah, whatever.
Anyway, this looks cool, right?
It scares the other birds.
-That owl shouldn't be let loose.
-Why not?
It needs an exorcism. It's a ghost.
-Who's the ustad?
-You!
You're ridiculous!
Where do you want to play?
The beach is all sand.
This sand is big now,
it's turned into rocks.
What did you feed it?
-Why did you grow sand?
-Formula milk, so it grows big.
Hey, be responsible!
-Your life has no responsibility.
-Whatever.
-It's just carrying this stuff.
-Oh man.
-Step on it, driver!
-Please, be patient!
You're so slow! I'm so fed up!
-I want to get out!
-Ya Allah, Jenab.
Astagfirullahaladzim.
We want to get out now, you know.
My phone's battery is dead, you know!
I need to post my Instagram photos
with Meira. I look so good!
-Open the door!
-Ya Allah! Astagfirullahaladzim.
-Okay!
-Calm down.
Open the door!
-It's open, you know!
-Astagfirullahaladzim.
Can you drive or what? You're so slow!
I need to post!
My Instagram followers are waiting!
-This person has no patience at all!
-My phone is dead and it's taking forever!
-Mi, I'm sorry.
-I'm so frustrated.
I'll make a clarification video, okay?
Just forget it.
-Let me give you a foot massage.
-Five!
It's my heart that's aching.
-All good, perfect!
-Great.
We went with five, we came home with five.
-Awesome.
-All clear.
-I'm going now!
-All right.
Yeah.
I feel like something is missing.
Where are we, Han?
I don't know, Id.
Why is it so dark?
I swear we didn't come
this way before, Han.
What do we do?
I'm scared, Han.
Don't be scared.
If you're scared,
you'll make me scared too.
Can we even get back to Condet?
I don't know, Id. Ya Allah!
We want to go home. Ya Allah!
-I'm scared.
-Me too, Id.
It's your fault for calling
my kite a ghost!
Maybe that's why the kite
won't come back, Han.
I told you, the crooked kite was fine.
Why did you use the owl kite?
I'll throw it away!
I repent and seek forgiveness!
It's like a child's game!
Don't you have any
more grownup things to do?
Yeah, I do.
A husband was busted by his legit wife
for cheating during a family vacation.
How can I keep cool?
This guy always knows
how to mess with my heart.
-But calm down or you'll pass out.
-Astagfirullahaladzim.
I don't want you to faint.
I didn't do anything, really.
Earthquake!
I'm still sleepy.
Just tell the earthquake to come
back later. Tell it I'm sleeping.
Today, we're going to a waterfall.
Allahu Akbar, Aseng!
You want to take me to a waterfall?
There are waterfalls in Bogor too, Aseng.
What's up with you? Mud!
Come on, tell your wife something!
Instead of arguing, you two should
just decide where you want to go.
Food or clothes?
-Food.
-Clothes.
Do you want indoors to keep it cozy
or outdoors?
Ladies, where do you want to go?
Why ask me? You're the travel expert.
This is my first time in Bali.
Though I've been to Bali Mester often.
Aseng, are you just too lazy to think?
-This is tough.
-Yeah, it is.
We can find anything here, Nab!
-There are paintings and accessories!
-Shopping feels so good! Ya Allah!
-We're going shopping!
-They're all nice!
Ma'am, is there anything big like this?
Astagfirullahaladzim!
Astagfirullahaladzim! You scared me!
Geez!