Are You Being Served? (1972) s02e03 Episode Script
The Think Tank
1 are you being served? the think tank good morning, ladies.
under the arms? oh, dirty neck.
morning.
mr.
mash, what are you doing? just giving her a sponge down, sir.
do you have to do it up here? i darenât do it in the cellar, sir.
iâd get too excited.
hurry up, daphne.
you should be up those stairs by now.
captain peacock, did you know that this sort of thing was going on? no, i did not.
mr.
mash do you usually do that sort of thing? only on the dummies, sir.
they canât do it themselves, can they? captain peacock.
i feel that the female staff should wash the female dummies.
i do see the reasoning behind your observation.
on the other hand, what about the male dummies? ah, yes.
the men should do those, of course.
have you anybody in mind to attend to the female dummies? well, how about the female cleaners? i fear that may well lead to inter-union strife, sir.
young mr.
grace would have a fit if he saw this.
yes, and he canât afford too many of those.
i have it, sir.
why donât we wash them as they do in convents? howâs that? they wash in shifts.
no, we donât have that many dummies.
no, they wear shifts.
do they? how do you know? one reads books.
oh, i see.
what exactly is a shift? itâs sort of a petticoat.
is it? that seems rather a good solution.
mr.
mash in future, i would like you to wash the female dummies with a petticoat on.
well, if you say so, captain peacock.
is it all right if i keep my socks on? - captain peacock - excuse me, sir, i must sign on.
captain peacock, iâm rather surprised to see you wearing a bowler hat.
really, sir? why? at grace brothers, bowlers are reserved for departmental heads and above.
i thought those archaic rules had gone long ago, sir.
well, no, they havenât.
senior floor staff, such as yourself, are allowed a homburg.
junior floor staff should wear caps or trilbys.
i see.
good morning, captain peacock.
mr.
humphries, may i have a word with you? certainly, captain peacock.
i donât think you ought to be wearing that hat.
no? i thought a homburg was rather me.
at grace brothers, homburgs are reserved for senior floor staff, such as myself and mr.
grainger.
what a shame.
i was going to see my solicitor.
and they donât really go fo a porkpie at solomon and finkelstein.
good morning, captain peacock.
one minute to 9:00.
just in time.
mr.
lucas, why are you not wearing a hat? - am i supposed to? - yes, you are.
it states quite clearly in writing in the staff rules, that the junior floor staff will wear a trilby or a cap.
senior floor staff will wear homburgs.
mrs.
slocombe will look a fair old treat in a homburg.
- good morning, mr.
humphries.
- good morning, mr.
lucas.
- would it be all right to wear a bowler? - certainly not.
only departmental heads and above may wear bowlers.
in that case, this canât possibly belong to anyone here.
iâll take it to the lost property office.
good morning, mrs.
slocombe.
morning, miss brahms.
yes, just on the dot.
oh, iâm worn out, to start with.
i have stood standing in the bus all the way, and not one man offered me a seat.
you should do what i do.
shove a shopping bag under your coat and stagger a bit.
thatâs the trouble with all you ladies.
you want equality, but youâre not prepared to stand up for it.
youâre very sharp today, arenât you? quite right, captain peacock.
they are all the same these days.
you take girls out, and they all want equality until the waiter brings the bill.
thatâs because of what you want after the waiterâs brought the bill.
when we donât get it, how many offer to split it down the middle? it's time you were at your counter, mr.
lucas.
yes, of course, captain peacock, to deal with that milling throng of customers.
good morning, mr.
grainger.
oh, you look exhausted.
i amâ i gave up my seat on the train to some stupid woman.
the lost property office seems to be closed.
the man in charge has lost the key.
in that case, iâll take charge of this.
- going somewhere, captain peacock? - no, sir.
i should have thought youâd have put your hat away by now.
allow me.
- is evernyone here? - yes, sir.
well, while there are no customers, iâd like a quick word with the staff.
very well, sir.
would everybody gather round, please? mr.
rumbold wants a quick word.
- mrs.
slocombe, miss brahms.
- oh, hang on.
you should do that before you get here.
she used to do it on the bus, but the lipstick kept shooting up her nose.
i have here the trade figures for last month, and i am deeply concerned.
i read about those in the paper, mr.
rumbold.
poor old england, hundreds of millions of quid in the red.
iâm referring to this department.
we were over 600 down again last week.
now, why is this? i know the answer to that.
people arenât spending so much money.
that could have something to do with it.
theyâre not even looking like they used to.
there was a time when youâd go up to a customer and say, âexcuse me, sir, are you being served?â and theyâd say, âno, just looking.
â now they donât even come in.
itâs most frustrating, isnât it, mr.
grainger? most frustrating.
trousers are at a complete standstill.
youâre lucky to get your tape up once a day.
my corsets have been down for over a fortnight.
i mean women nowadays let their figures run riot and then wear a kaftan.
i know we are living in very difficult times precisely.
of course, the pound is to blame look at the price of milk.
and i remember when bread was farthings a loaf.
things were bound to go up after mafakin.
do we have to have the juniors in on this discussion? i think we are straying from the point, which is that our sales figures are down and i am going to be asked by the board to give a reason for it.
what am i going to say? âgoodbye, and itâs been nice being here.
â you may find yourself saying that, mr.
lucas.
if you make any further interruptions.
- iâm sorry, sir.
- itâs youth, captain peacock.
you canât hold it down.
if i may make a suggestion, sir, why donât we take a leaf out of the governmentâs book and have a think tank? - a what? - a think tank where everybody throws in ideas.
what? into the tank? no, mrs.
slocombe, there isnât actually a tank.
oh, you just think there is.
perhaps i should explain it more clearly.
experts sit around, chew over a problem, then bring up a solution.
when you put it like that, they could do with a tank.
i think thatâs a surprisingly good suggestion, captain peacock.
- are we agreed then, weâll have a think tank? - yes, yes.
- a very good suggestion donât you think so? - a stroke of genius.
you know gin used to be 12 and six a bottle.
- are we agreed? - yes, 12 and six a bottle.
no, no, no.
are we agreed that we shall have a think tank? - oh, yes, yes.
weâll meet here this evening, after the store closes.
well, i canât stay behind.
iâm being picked up outside the staff entrance.
if i were you, iâd stand outside the front youâd get a better class of person.
i shanât be seeing you, then, shall i? i daresay, we could manage without you, miss brahms.
i canât make it, iâve got someone coming around to wash my hair.
with the little bit youâve got, that shouldnât be a two-man job.
couldnât you phone him? what makes you all think itâs him? as a matter of fact, itâs the girl from the poodle parlor.
she does a lovely cut and blow wave and it doesnât cost me a thing.
all iâve got to do is sit up and beg.
oh, very well, mr.
humphries.
well, if iâm not home on the stroke of 6:00, my pussy goes mad.
itâs hardly convenient for me, too.
what excuse have you got, peacock? i have to rush away and buy a hat.
well, mr.
rumbold, it looks like you and mr.
grainger for the think tank.
due to the fact that on captain peacockâs instructions, i, too, have to go and buy a hat, as befits my menial and lowly position here.
iâm perfectly prepared to toss some ideas about and give you the benefit of my vast experience, mr.
rumbold.
i think in the circumstances we will cancel the think tank for tonight and convene at a time when we can all get there.
letâs say tomorrow morning at 8:30.
8:30? but thatâs a half an hour before the store opens.
yes, youâre quite right.
itâs not early enough.
weâll make it 8:00.
good morning.
iâm dying for a cup of coffee.
so am i.
i want one to take my pill.
are you on the pill? when mr.
mash gets here weâll send him to the canteen.
beatrice, turn that confounded thing off for now.
yes, sir! i hope i havenât kept you all waiting.
i just stopped at beppoâs to get a coffee.
good morning, ladies.
good morning, sir.
good morning, captain peacock.
i must say, i like the hat.
thank you, sir.
for some reason, they seem to be much more expensive than bowlers.
hardly surprising, i suppose, since it seems that bowlers are mainly worn by private detectives and bailiffs.
iâm dying for a cup of coffee.
can i just have a sip? - oh, very well.
- oh, thank you.
oh, that was lovely.
much better than the canteen muck.
taste that, miss brahms.
oh, isnât it lovely and creamy? could i just have a sip to wash down my pill? itâs my blood pressure, you know.
unless i take them regularly i feel as though iâm going to blow up.
please take it now, mr.
grainger.
ohâ it hasnât gone down.
oh, itâs very nasty.
yes, indeed.
youâre very quiet this morning, mr.
humphries.
i was just finishing off my dream.
i dreamt that there was this wild creature half man, half beast came galloping towards me on a big, black horse.
i didnât know which way to turn.
i was absolutely petrified, until i noticed he was riding sidesaddle.
itâs very difficult getting up early in the morning.
my wife insists that we still clean our teeth in the dark.
itâs all very well for her, but i canât find my teeth.
it must be magic being married to you, mr.
grainger.
youâre late again, mr.
lucas.
thank goodness youâre all here.
- i said, youâre late.
- yes, very late.
what is the excuse this time? i canât tell you, captain peacock, the relief to see you all safe and breathing.
it was horrible, horrible.
what was? this dream that i had it was more of a premonition, really, you see.
i dreamed that i woke up, streaked here so as to be on time as always came up in the lift right here to the department.
when i got here, you were all sitting around the table, motionless, just like that, with your mouths open.
i think itâs come true.
what a horrible dream.
what happened then? well, i just touched captain peacock on the shoulder, you see and he just fell over slowly out of his chair and crashed down onto the floor and broke into hundreds of little pieces.
i was just putting humpty together again, when i woke up.
why should that be an excuse for lateness? i was having trouble with your head, you see, captain peacock.
every time i put it back on, you sort of unbalanced and fell off your chair again.
- itâs not at all that big either, is it? - sit down, mr.
lucas.
well, if weâre all assembled - are you free, mr.
grainger? - yes, iâm free, mr.
humphries.
well, the problem before us is the fall in our sales figures over the past month, and how we are going to rectify it.
we have all had a further 12 hours to think over this problem, and i feel sure youâve all come to the meeting full of ideas and suggestionsâ i donât think thatâs such a good idea after all, mr.
mash.
i think you should do that in the fitting room.
i donât think he should do it anywhere.
at 20 past 8:00 in the morning it's more than flesh and blood can stand.
yes, i think youâd better stop, mash.
- shall i powder her down, sir? - certainly not.
- but sheâs still got a wetâ - never mind, mr.
mash.
just leave the floor.
oh, all right.
marvelous, isnât it, eh? bloody marvelous.
iâll tell you what i will do.
iâll take her to the staff changing room - weâll have a shower together.
- better make it a cold one.
i think youâd better wait until the storeâs closed, and then do it somewhere where no one can see you.
creaky arms, sir, needs a bit of oil.
as i was saying how are we going to increase our figures? letâs run a few ideas up the mast and see who salutes them.
why donât we have a sale? we had a spring sale a month ago.
we canât go on having sales without any reason.
why donât we do like the petrol stations give away plastic footballs or tankards? thatâs going to be a big draw in my lingerie.
in the sports department theyâve just had a famous golfer autographing clubs.
but what sort of person could we get to autograph trousers? errol flynn would have done very well.
iâm not having raquel welch autographing one of my bras.
who needs raquel welch? the way youâre stacked, youâve got enough space for the whole of the manchester united.
if i have any more of your lip, iâll come over there and smack your chops.
iâm just in the mood.
order, order, please.
how about advertising in the local newspapers? something like, âyou get a square deal at grace brothersâ? weâd be in trouble with the trades descriptions act.
oh, i donât know.
i mean, you couldnât have squarer clothes than what weâve got.
what do you mean, mr.
lucas? weâre not exactly trendy, are we? look at all the fuss you made the other week when i came in wearing high-heeled shoes.
it wasnât the shoes it was that walking stick you had to stop yourself from falling over.
anyway, i think they look ridiculous on men.
i like them.
all the pop stars wear them.
mr.
lucas is not a pop star.
no, but pop stars set the fashion.
are you suggesting we should all dress like bing crosby? i donât think that bing crosby would would help the sales on this floor.
do we have any sensible suggestions? yes, sir, i have.
after i came out of the army, i made a study of sales technique.
there was a theory that a moving display has more impact than a static one.
- true.
- true.
i suppose you mean we should have our trousers - moving about more? - yes.
how do we achieve that? a couple of dozen pairs of electric legs? iâm being quite serious, mr.
lucas.
how does that effect my department? yes, do we have lots of electric knickers jumping up and down on the counter? wouldnât that be very expensive? we can have mrs.
slocombe jumping up and down on the counter.
that should make a big enough impact.
thatâs it.
i am withdrawing to the canteen.
please mrs.
slocombe, do bear with us.
i think captain peacock may be onto something.
- make him apologize then.
- lucas! iâm sorry, mrs.
slocombe, youâre such a likable person and such a sport, i find it difficult to think of you as head of the ladies department.
i shall accept your gracious apology, but i suggest for the rest of this discussion you shut your cakehole.
what i had in mind, if i may be allowed to speakâ - yes, do continue, captain peacock.
- thank you.
i always thought heâd get on ever since i saw him in âcollege rhythm.
â - saw who? - bing crosby.
weâve left that some time ago.
i know, 1935.
mr.
grainger, may i speak? you saw it too, did you? it was fun.
look, weâd better get a move on.
iâve still got to touch up my mouth itâll be opening time soon.
do get to the point, captain peacock.
i think i have the solution.
i suggest that we have a fashion show.
well, heâs run it up the mast.
who going to salute it? i donât mean a fashion show in the accepted sense i mean, where one shows off exotic creations.
i mean, a down-to-earth fashion show.
where we demonstrate to the man in the street that we sell ordinary clothes that are well within the reach of his pocket.
what about the woman in the street? - unisex! - i beg your pardon? i mean a show for both sexes.
i donât think your idea for a menâs fashion show would get us anywhere, but my idea for a unisex show seems very original.
but i thought unisex meant men and women in the same clothes.
- it does.
- does it? perhaps i meant bisexual.
no, i donât think you meant that, mr.
rumbold.
perhaps we should call it âa man and womanâs fashion parade.
â or better still, âmale and female modes on the moveââ yes, thatâs it.
i donât think your idea for a man and womanâs fashion parade would have any appeal at all, but my idea for male and female modes on the move has fantastic appealâ agreed? oh, yes, mr.
rumbold, yes.
what a pity you couldnât have thought of something like that, captain peacock.
yes, it needs an executive mind to come up with something of that sort.
one has a certain responsibility to produce ideas.
âuneasy lies the head that wears the crown.
â or indeedâ the bowler hat.
all i have to do now is to approach young mr.
grace and convince him that itâs a good idea.
- that youâve had.
- yes.
youâll have to convince him that itâs a very good idea before he forks out a couple of hundred quid for six mannequins.
as much as that? itâll be cheaper to have electric trousers, and mrs.
slocombe jumping up and downâ iâm sorry! i just got carried away.
yes, well, itâs up to me now to get over the financial problem.
if i run into any difficulties, weâll just have to have another session of the think tank.
in which we think and it all goes in your tank.
the storeâs open.
places, everybody.
i hope this is not going to take too long.
iâm supposed to be going to see âlast tango in paris.
â i got the okay from my heart specialist this morning.
no, no, mr.
grace, you just sit there.
what youâre going to see is the fashion show i told you about.
did you? oh, yes.
yes, i rememberâ âmale and female moods in the mauve.
â âmodes on the move.
â the fashion show to help the falling figures.
are we going to see girls in corsets? no, noâ salesfigures.
and if you like it, weâll have one.
have one what? a fashion show, sir.
i thought we were having one.
no, this is just a demonstration to show you what we have in mind.
itâs aimed at the man in the street and the woman in the street.
you mean tarts? no, sir, just ordinary people.
are you ready with the microphone, mr.
lucas? ready when you are, mr.
rumbold.
then carry on, mr.
lucas.
first, we have bobby⦠spring is in the air but beware of the winter wind.
but bobbyâs keeping warm as toast in a cozy crombie, inspired by james bond in âyou only live twice.
â is that a storm approaching? bobby doesnât care.
heâs got his snap-up japanese brolly.
bobbyâs great gatsby hat will stay dry as a bone, and bobbyâs tootsies will stay dry as well, thanks to his âever-tough streetwalkers.
â hat, 3, shoes, 9.
50, cozy crombie from grace brothers, 44.
95.
and iâm extra.
well done.
very good, very good.
doesnât that boy look like our mr.
humphries? that was our mr.
humphries, sir.
oh, he has left us? no, sir, but you wouldnât pay for professional models until you were convinced it was a good idea.
and now we have tania and tony.
home from the office and so to bed.
- wait for me! - oh, come on! leap into bed in our snug-as- a-bug range of sleepwear.
thatâs not graingerâs wife, is it? no, sir.
he always was a bit of a lad.
tonyâs tired, so heâs off to bye-byesâ so itâs off with the dressing gown to reveal⦠to reveal - itâs knotted.
- tonyâs got knotted, so heâs not going to reveal anything at all.
so letâs turn our attention to tania, and i must say, thatâs not too difficult at all.
tania is wearing one of our new range of naughty â90s nightiesâ note the cherries.
itâs made for dream time, but if she wore it to a ball, - whoâd notice the difference? - well, i would for one.
mr.
lucas, iâm ready! not now, tony, not now! what shall i do? go and snuff out taniaâs candle.
and now for something completely new an evening creation as inspired by susan hampshire in âthe pallisersâ as worn by naomi! how graceful this fashion was.
how lucky she had her parachute with her.
perhaps all the girls will be wearing one of these soon.
over my dead body.
dress material obtainable in ladies bespoke.
and so we say farewell to naomi.
and so we say farewell to naomi.
oh, belt up! an echoâ an echo from the elegance of yesteryear.
just one more to come, mr.
grace.
i hope itâll be quick.
i donât want to miss the mickey mouse.
and now, showing us his city suit, from our ânew tycoonâ range, we have rodney! confident in his casual elegance, rodney is ready for a board meeting with the captains of industry.
there is ample fullness in the chairmanâs seat.
plenty of give in the arms for those transatlantic phone calls.
concealed pocket for the key to the executive loo.
red lining to gain sympathy during talks with the workers.
rodneyâs dayâs work done, thereâs no need to change his suit.
itâs formal enough for the board, but also trendy enough to call at that penthouse flat for that society bird, who is preparing to look her very best for the man in a âtycoonâ suit.
cor blimey! ainât there no privacy anywhere? now we will see all of them in the grand finale.
very good, well done, well done.
well, sir, what do you think of that, mr.
grace? whoâs idea was the fashion parade? mine, sir.
well, i think itâs a rotten idea.
- or was it mine? - yes, it was.
if you want to sell goods, youâd better have a sale.
well, iâm off.
- oh, and peacock - yes, sir? i wonder if mr.
rumbold hasnât told you before that hat doesnât suit you.
you should get a bowler and wear it all the time.
donât you agree, mr.
rumbold? absolutely, mr.
grace.
thank you, sir.
- well, goodbye, everybody.
- goodbye, mr.
grace.
goodbye.
youâve all done very well.
thank you, mr.
grace.
under the arms? oh, dirty neck.
morning.
mr.
mash, what are you doing? just giving her a sponge down, sir.
do you have to do it up here? i darenât do it in the cellar, sir.
iâd get too excited.
hurry up, daphne.
you should be up those stairs by now.
captain peacock, did you know that this sort of thing was going on? no, i did not.
mr.
mash do you usually do that sort of thing? only on the dummies, sir.
they canât do it themselves, can they? captain peacock.
i feel that the female staff should wash the female dummies.
i do see the reasoning behind your observation.
on the other hand, what about the male dummies? ah, yes.
the men should do those, of course.
have you anybody in mind to attend to the female dummies? well, how about the female cleaners? i fear that may well lead to inter-union strife, sir.
young mr.
grace would have a fit if he saw this.
yes, and he canât afford too many of those.
i have it, sir.
why donât we wash them as they do in convents? howâs that? they wash in shifts.
no, we donât have that many dummies.
no, they wear shifts.
do they? how do you know? one reads books.
oh, i see.
what exactly is a shift? itâs sort of a petticoat.
is it? that seems rather a good solution.
mr.
mash in future, i would like you to wash the female dummies with a petticoat on.
well, if you say so, captain peacock.
is it all right if i keep my socks on? - captain peacock - excuse me, sir, i must sign on.
captain peacock, iâm rather surprised to see you wearing a bowler hat.
really, sir? why? at grace brothers, bowlers are reserved for departmental heads and above.
i thought those archaic rules had gone long ago, sir.
well, no, they havenât.
senior floor staff, such as yourself, are allowed a homburg.
junior floor staff should wear caps or trilbys.
i see.
good morning, captain peacock.
mr.
humphries, may i have a word with you? certainly, captain peacock.
i donât think you ought to be wearing that hat.
no? i thought a homburg was rather me.
at grace brothers, homburgs are reserved for senior floor staff, such as myself and mr.
grainger.
what a shame.
i was going to see my solicitor.
and they donât really go fo a porkpie at solomon and finkelstein.
good morning, captain peacock.
one minute to 9:00.
just in time.
mr.
lucas, why are you not wearing a hat? - am i supposed to? - yes, you are.
it states quite clearly in writing in the staff rules, that the junior floor staff will wear a trilby or a cap.
senior floor staff will wear homburgs.
mrs.
slocombe will look a fair old treat in a homburg.
- good morning, mr.
humphries.
- good morning, mr.
lucas.
- would it be all right to wear a bowler? - certainly not.
only departmental heads and above may wear bowlers.
in that case, this canât possibly belong to anyone here.
iâll take it to the lost property office.
good morning, mrs.
slocombe.
morning, miss brahms.
yes, just on the dot.
oh, iâm worn out, to start with.
i have stood standing in the bus all the way, and not one man offered me a seat.
you should do what i do.
shove a shopping bag under your coat and stagger a bit.
thatâs the trouble with all you ladies.
you want equality, but youâre not prepared to stand up for it.
youâre very sharp today, arenât you? quite right, captain peacock.
they are all the same these days.
you take girls out, and they all want equality until the waiter brings the bill.
thatâs because of what you want after the waiterâs brought the bill.
when we donât get it, how many offer to split it down the middle? it's time you were at your counter, mr.
lucas.
yes, of course, captain peacock, to deal with that milling throng of customers.
good morning, mr.
grainger.
oh, you look exhausted.
i amâ i gave up my seat on the train to some stupid woman.
the lost property office seems to be closed.
the man in charge has lost the key.
in that case, iâll take charge of this.
- going somewhere, captain peacock? - no, sir.
i should have thought youâd have put your hat away by now.
allow me.
- is evernyone here? - yes, sir.
well, while there are no customers, iâd like a quick word with the staff.
very well, sir.
would everybody gather round, please? mr.
rumbold wants a quick word.
- mrs.
slocombe, miss brahms.
- oh, hang on.
you should do that before you get here.
she used to do it on the bus, but the lipstick kept shooting up her nose.
i have here the trade figures for last month, and i am deeply concerned.
i read about those in the paper, mr.
rumbold.
poor old england, hundreds of millions of quid in the red.
iâm referring to this department.
we were over 600 down again last week.
now, why is this? i know the answer to that.
people arenât spending so much money.
that could have something to do with it.
theyâre not even looking like they used to.
there was a time when youâd go up to a customer and say, âexcuse me, sir, are you being served?â and theyâd say, âno, just looking.
â now they donât even come in.
itâs most frustrating, isnât it, mr.
grainger? most frustrating.
trousers are at a complete standstill.
youâre lucky to get your tape up once a day.
my corsets have been down for over a fortnight.
i mean women nowadays let their figures run riot and then wear a kaftan.
i know we are living in very difficult times precisely.
of course, the pound is to blame look at the price of milk.
and i remember when bread was farthings a loaf.
things were bound to go up after mafakin.
do we have to have the juniors in on this discussion? i think we are straying from the point, which is that our sales figures are down and i am going to be asked by the board to give a reason for it.
what am i going to say? âgoodbye, and itâs been nice being here.
â you may find yourself saying that, mr.
lucas.
if you make any further interruptions.
- iâm sorry, sir.
- itâs youth, captain peacock.
you canât hold it down.
if i may make a suggestion, sir, why donât we take a leaf out of the governmentâs book and have a think tank? - a what? - a think tank where everybody throws in ideas.
what? into the tank? no, mrs.
slocombe, there isnât actually a tank.
oh, you just think there is.
perhaps i should explain it more clearly.
experts sit around, chew over a problem, then bring up a solution.
when you put it like that, they could do with a tank.
i think thatâs a surprisingly good suggestion, captain peacock.
- are we agreed then, weâll have a think tank? - yes, yes.
- a very good suggestion donât you think so? - a stroke of genius.
you know gin used to be 12 and six a bottle.
- are we agreed? - yes, 12 and six a bottle.
no, no, no.
are we agreed that we shall have a think tank? - oh, yes, yes.
weâll meet here this evening, after the store closes.
well, i canât stay behind.
iâm being picked up outside the staff entrance.
if i were you, iâd stand outside the front youâd get a better class of person.
i shanât be seeing you, then, shall i? i daresay, we could manage without you, miss brahms.
i canât make it, iâve got someone coming around to wash my hair.
with the little bit youâve got, that shouldnât be a two-man job.
couldnât you phone him? what makes you all think itâs him? as a matter of fact, itâs the girl from the poodle parlor.
she does a lovely cut and blow wave and it doesnât cost me a thing.
all iâve got to do is sit up and beg.
oh, very well, mr.
humphries.
well, if iâm not home on the stroke of 6:00, my pussy goes mad.
itâs hardly convenient for me, too.
what excuse have you got, peacock? i have to rush away and buy a hat.
well, mr.
rumbold, it looks like you and mr.
grainger for the think tank.
due to the fact that on captain peacockâs instructions, i, too, have to go and buy a hat, as befits my menial and lowly position here.
iâm perfectly prepared to toss some ideas about and give you the benefit of my vast experience, mr.
rumbold.
i think in the circumstances we will cancel the think tank for tonight and convene at a time when we can all get there.
letâs say tomorrow morning at 8:30.
8:30? but thatâs a half an hour before the store opens.
yes, youâre quite right.
itâs not early enough.
weâll make it 8:00.
good morning.
iâm dying for a cup of coffee.
so am i.
i want one to take my pill.
are you on the pill? when mr.
mash gets here weâll send him to the canteen.
beatrice, turn that confounded thing off for now.
yes, sir! i hope i havenât kept you all waiting.
i just stopped at beppoâs to get a coffee.
good morning, ladies.
good morning, sir.
good morning, captain peacock.
i must say, i like the hat.
thank you, sir.
for some reason, they seem to be much more expensive than bowlers.
hardly surprising, i suppose, since it seems that bowlers are mainly worn by private detectives and bailiffs.
iâm dying for a cup of coffee.
can i just have a sip? - oh, very well.
- oh, thank you.
oh, that was lovely.
much better than the canteen muck.
taste that, miss brahms.
oh, isnât it lovely and creamy? could i just have a sip to wash down my pill? itâs my blood pressure, you know.
unless i take them regularly i feel as though iâm going to blow up.
please take it now, mr.
grainger.
ohâ it hasnât gone down.
oh, itâs very nasty.
yes, indeed.
youâre very quiet this morning, mr.
humphries.
i was just finishing off my dream.
i dreamt that there was this wild creature half man, half beast came galloping towards me on a big, black horse.
i didnât know which way to turn.
i was absolutely petrified, until i noticed he was riding sidesaddle.
itâs very difficult getting up early in the morning.
my wife insists that we still clean our teeth in the dark.
itâs all very well for her, but i canât find my teeth.
it must be magic being married to you, mr.
grainger.
youâre late again, mr.
lucas.
thank goodness youâre all here.
- i said, youâre late.
- yes, very late.
what is the excuse this time? i canât tell you, captain peacock, the relief to see you all safe and breathing.
it was horrible, horrible.
what was? this dream that i had it was more of a premonition, really, you see.
i dreamed that i woke up, streaked here so as to be on time as always came up in the lift right here to the department.
when i got here, you were all sitting around the table, motionless, just like that, with your mouths open.
i think itâs come true.
what a horrible dream.
what happened then? well, i just touched captain peacock on the shoulder, you see and he just fell over slowly out of his chair and crashed down onto the floor and broke into hundreds of little pieces.
i was just putting humpty together again, when i woke up.
why should that be an excuse for lateness? i was having trouble with your head, you see, captain peacock.
every time i put it back on, you sort of unbalanced and fell off your chair again.
- itâs not at all that big either, is it? - sit down, mr.
lucas.
well, if weâre all assembled - are you free, mr.
grainger? - yes, iâm free, mr.
humphries.
well, the problem before us is the fall in our sales figures over the past month, and how we are going to rectify it.
we have all had a further 12 hours to think over this problem, and i feel sure youâve all come to the meeting full of ideas and suggestionsâ i donât think thatâs such a good idea after all, mr.
mash.
i think you should do that in the fitting room.
i donât think he should do it anywhere.
at 20 past 8:00 in the morning it's more than flesh and blood can stand.
yes, i think youâd better stop, mash.
- shall i powder her down, sir? - certainly not.
- but sheâs still got a wetâ - never mind, mr.
mash.
just leave the floor.
oh, all right.
marvelous, isnât it, eh? bloody marvelous.
iâll tell you what i will do.
iâll take her to the staff changing room - weâll have a shower together.
- better make it a cold one.
i think youâd better wait until the storeâs closed, and then do it somewhere where no one can see you.
creaky arms, sir, needs a bit of oil.
as i was saying how are we going to increase our figures? letâs run a few ideas up the mast and see who salutes them.
why donât we have a sale? we had a spring sale a month ago.
we canât go on having sales without any reason.
why donât we do like the petrol stations give away plastic footballs or tankards? thatâs going to be a big draw in my lingerie.
in the sports department theyâve just had a famous golfer autographing clubs.
but what sort of person could we get to autograph trousers? errol flynn would have done very well.
iâm not having raquel welch autographing one of my bras.
who needs raquel welch? the way youâre stacked, youâve got enough space for the whole of the manchester united.
if i have any more of your lip, iâll come over there and smack your chops.
iâm just in the mood.
order, order, please.
how about advertising in the local newspapers? something like, âyou get a square deal at grace brothersâ? weâd be in trouble with the trades descriptions act.
oh, i donât know.
i mean, you couldnât have squarer clothes than what weâve got.
what do you mean, mr.
lucas? weâre not exactly trendy, are we? look at all the fuss you made the other week when i came in wearing high-heeled shoes.
it wasnât the shoes it was that walking stick you had to stop yourself from falling over.
anyway, i think they look ridiculous on men.
i like them.
all the pop stars wear them.
mr.
lucas is not a pop star.
no, but pop stars set the fashion.
are you suggesting we should all dress like bing crosby? i donât think that bing crosby would would help the sales on this floor.
do we have any sensible suggestions? yes, sir, i have.
after i came out of the army, i made a study of sales technique.
there was a theory that a moving display has more impact than a static one.
- true.
- true.
i suppose you mean we should have our trousers - moving about more? - yes.
how do we achieve that? a couple of dozen pairs of electric legs? iâm being quite serious, mr.
lucas.
how does that effect my department? yes, do we have lots of electric knickers jumping up and down on the counter? wouldnât that be very expensive? we can have mrs.
slocombe jumping up and down on the counter.
that should make a big enough impact.
thatâs it.
i am withdrawing to the canteen.
please mrs.
slocombe, do bear with us.
i think captain peacock may be onto something.
- make him apologize then.
- lucas! iâm sorry, mrs.
slocombe, youâre such a likable person and such a sport, i find it difficult to think of you as head of the ladies department.
i shall accept your gracious apology, but i suggest for the rest of this discussion you shut your cakehole.
what i had in mind, if i may be allowed to speakâ - yes, do continue, captain peacock.
- thank you.
i always thought heâd get on ever since i saw him in âcollege rhythm.
â - saw who? - bing crosby.
weâve left that some time ago.
i know, 1935.
mr.
grainger, may i speak? you saw it too, did you? it was fun.
look, weâd better get a move on.
iâve still got to touch up my mouth itâll be opening time soon.
do get to the point, captain peacock.
i think i have the solution.
i suggest that we have a fashion show.
well, heâs run it up the mast.
who going to salute it? i donât mean a fashion show in the accepted sense i mean, where one shows off exotic creations.
i mean, a down-to-earth fashion show.
where we demonstrate to the man in the street that we sell ordinary clothes that are well within the reach of his pocket.
what about the woman in the street? - unisex! - i beg your pardon? i mean a show for both sexes.
i donât think your idea for a menâs fashion show would get us anywhere, but my idea for a unisex show seems very original.
but i thought unisex meant men and women in the same clothes.
- it does.
- does it? perhaps i meant bisexual.
no, i donât think you meant that, mr.
rumbold.
perhaps we should call it âa man and womanâs fashion parade.
â or better still, âmale and female modes on the moveââ yes, thatâs it.
i donât think your idea for a man and womanâs fashion parade would have any appeal at all, but my idea for male and female modes on the move has fantastic appealâ agreed? oh, yes, mr.
rumbold, yes.
what a pity you couldnât have thought of something like that, captain peacock.
yes, it needs an executive mind to come up with something of that sort.
one has a certain responsibility to produce ideas.
âuneasy lies the head that wears the crown.
â or indeedâ the bowler hat.
all i have to do now is to approach young mr.
grace and convince him that itâs a good idea.
- that youâve had.
- yes.
youâll have to convince him that itâs a very good idea before he forks out a couple of hundred quid for six mannequins.
as much as that? itâll be cheaper to have electric trousers, and mrs.
slocombe jumping up and downâ iâm sorry! i just got carried away.
yes, well, itâs up to me now to get over the financial problem.
if i run into any difficulties, weâll just have to have another session of the think tank.
in which we think and it all goes in your tank.
the storeâs open.
places, everybody.
i hope this is not going to take too long.
iâm supposed to be going to see âlast tango in paris.
â i got the okay from my heart specialist this morning.
no, no, mr.
grace, you just sit there.
what youâre going to see is the fashion show i told you about.
did you? oh, yes.
yes, i rememberâ âmale and female moods in the mauve.
â âmodes on the move.
â the fashion show to help the falling figures.
are we going to see girls in corsets? no, noâ salesfigures.
and if you like it, weâll have one.
have one what? a fashion show, sir.
i thought we were having one.
no, this is just a demonstration to show you what we have in mind.
itâs aimed at the man in the street and the woman in the street.
you mean tarts? no, sir, just ordinary people.
are you ready with the microphone, mr.
lucas? ready when you are, mr.
rumbold.
then carry on, mr.
lucas.
first, we have bobby⦠spring is in the air but beware of the winter wind.
but bobbyâs keeping warm as toast in a cozy crombie, inspired by james bond in âyou only live twice.
â is that a storm approaching? bobby doesnât care.
heâs got his snap-up japanese brolly.
bobbyâs great gatsby hat will stay dry as a bone, and bobbyâs tootsies will stay dry as well, thanks to his âever-tough streetwalkers.
â hat, 3, shoes, 9.
50, cozy crombie from grace brothers, 44.
95.
and iâm extra.
well done.
very good, very good.
doesnât that boy look like our mr.
humphries? that was our mr.
humphries, sir.
oh, he has left us? no, sir, but you wouldnât pay for professional models until you were convinced it was a good idea.
and now we have tania and tony.
home from the office and so to bed.
- wait for me! - oh, come on! leap into bed in our snug-as- a-bug range of sleepwear.
thatâs not graingerâs wife, is it? no, sir.
he always was a bit of a lad.
tonyâs tired, so heâs off to bye-byesâ so itâs off with the dressing gown to reveal⦠to reveal - itâs knotted.
- tonyâs got knotted, so heâs not going to reveal anything at all.
so letâs turn our attention to tania, and i must say, thatâs not too difficult at all.
tania is wearing one of our new range of naughty â90s nightiesâ note the cherries.
itâs made for dream time, but if she wore it to a ball, - whoâd notice the difference? - well, i would for one.
mr.
lucas, iâm ready! not now, tony, not now! what shall i do? go and snuff out taniaâs candle.
and now for something completely new an evening creation as inspired by susan hampshire in âthe pallisersâ as worn by naomi! how graceful this fashion was.
how lucky she had her parachute with her.
perhaps all the girls will be wearing one of these soon.
over my dead body.
dress material obtainable in ladies bespoke.
and so we say farewell to naomi.
and so we say farewell to naomi.
oh, belt up! an echoâ an echo from the elegance of yesteryear.
just one more to come, mr.
grace.
i hope itâll be quick.
i donât want to miss the mickey mouse.
and now, showing us his city suit, from our ânew tycoonâ range, we have rodney! confident in his casual elegance, rodney is ready for a board meeting with the captains of industry.
there is ample fullness in the chairmanâs seat.
plenty of give in the arms for those transatlantic phone calls.
concealed pocket for the key to the executive loo.
red lining to gain sympathy during talks with the workers.
rodneyâs dayâs work done, thereâs no need to change his suit.
itâs formal enough for the board, but also trendy enough to call at that penthouse flat for that society bird, who is preparing to look her very best for the man in a âtycoonâ suit.
cor blimey! ainât there no privacy anywhere? now we will see all of them in the grand finale.
very good, well done, well done.
well, sir, what do you think of that, mr.
grace? whoâs idea was the fashion parade? mine, sir.
well, i think itâs a rotten idea.
- or was it mine? - yes, it was.
if you want to sell goods, youâd better have a sale.
well, iâm off.
- oh, and peacock - yes, sir? i wonder if mr.
rumbold hasnât told you before that hat doesnât suit you.
you should get a bowler and wear it all the time.
donât you agree, mr.
rumbold? absolutely, mr.
grace.
thank you, sir.
- well, goodbye, everybody.
- goodbye, mr.
grace.
goodbye.
youâve all done very well.
thank you, mr.
grace.