Are You Being Served? Again! (1992) s02e03 Episode Script

1
( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )
THANK YOU, MAVIS.
THAT WAS VERY GOOD.
COME ON,
MR. HUMPHRIES,
IT'S YOUR TURN
TO WASH AND
I'LL DRY.
HAVE YOU GO
ANY GLOVES?
I DON'T WANT TO GE
WASHDAY RED HANDS.
THESE SHOULD FIT.
THEY'RE DAD'S.
REALLY?
CAN'T IMAGINE HIM
DOING ANY WASHING UP.
NO, HE USES THEM
TO DELIVER THE CALVES.
I'LL WIPE.
WE WERE IN
THE LOCAL PAPER.
THEY COVERED
OUR CRICKET MATCH.
OH.
"MILLSTONE MANOR TRIUMPHS
OVER TENDER BOTTOM."
DOES IT MENTION ME?
YOU'RE THE STAR.
"THE WINNING STROKE
WAS SCORED
BY B. SLOCOMBE, 86"
WHAT?
NO, LISTEN:
"86 WAS THE SCORE
THAT MILLSTONE
NEEDED
TO BEA
TENDER BOTTOM.
THE FORMIDABLE
MRS. SLOCOMBE
THUNDERED DOWN
THE PITCH SEVEN TIMES
TO CARRY HER TEAM
TO VICTORY.
A NUMBER OF ATTEMPTS WERE MADE
TO CARRY HER SHOULDER-HIGH,
AND THIS WAS
FINALLY ACHIEVED
USING A FORKLIFT TRUCK."
THOSE CHEEKY,
YOUNG CUB REPORTERS.
THERE'S A PICTURE
OF US. LOOK.
THERE'S YOU,
THERE'S ME
THERE'S MR. HUMPHRIES
IN THE SLIPS.
AND THERE'S
CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
OUT WITH HIS BAILS
IN MIDAIR.
IS THAT MR. RUMBOLD
WITHOUT HIS GLASSES?
NO.
THAT'S THE WINNING
TURNIP
IN THE VEGETABLE
AND FLOWER SHOW.
( LAUGHING )
NO. I MEAN THAT ONE.
OH, YEAH. SORRY.
( BELL RINGING )
OH, THAT'S PROBABLY
THE POSTMAN.
I'LL GO.
LOOK, IT'S
CAPTAIN PEACOCK
AND MISS LOVELOCK
COMING BACK.
WHERE HAVE
THEY BEEN?
MISS LOVELOCK'S
BEEN TAKING HIM
FOR HIS FIRST RIDE.
HE WAS HANGING ON
TO THE TOWEL RAIL
DOING KNEE BENDS
FOR HALF AN HOUR
THIS MORNING.
OH, THAT'S WHA
THE CRACKLING NOISE WAS.
I THOUGHT SOMEBODY
HAD LIT A BONFIRE.
MAKE MUCH
OF YOUR HORSE.
I BEG YOUR PARDON?
PAT IT.
OH, I SEE.
WELL DONE,
OLD CHAP.
NOW, TO DISMOUNT,
YOU SIMPLY TAKE
YOUR FEET OU
OF THE STIRRUPS,
THROW YOUR LEG
OVER THE HORSE'S HEAD,
AND SLIDE DOWN.
LIKE THIS.
I SEE, YES.
WELL, AHEM
I CAN REMOVE MY FEE
FROM THE STIRRUPS,
ALL RIGHT, BUT THE
THE THROWING BI
DOESN'T WORK VERY WELL.
WHY NOT GE
MISS LOVELOCK
TO GET YOUR HORSE
TO SIT DOWN?
THEN YOU
COULD SLIDE OFF
DOWN THE TAIL.
IT'S NOT A CIRCUS HORSE,
IT'S A HUNTER.
IF IT STANDS STILL,
I COULD GET A LADDER.
HERE,
TELL YOU WHAT:
WHY DON'
YOU WALK HIM
UNDER A TREE,
HANG ONTO
A LOW BRANCH,
GET IT TO GEE-UP,
AND THEN
WHEN HE'S GONE,
YOU DROP DOWN AND
WE'LL CATCH YOU?
REALLY, MISS BRAHMS.
OOH!
THE FEELING SEEMS
TO BE RETURNING
TO MY LOWER REGIONS.
PERHAPS I
COULD HELP YOU
TO GE
YOUR LEG OVER,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
I SHOULD LEAVE THA
TO MISS LOVELOCK,
MRS. SLOCOMBE.
SHE'S HAD
MORE EXPERIENCE.
( CAPTAIN PEACOCK GROANS )
THANK YOU,
MR. HUMPHRIES.
( GROANING )
IT'S BROUGHT THE COLOR
TO YOUR CHEEKS.
HOW DID HE GET ON?
HE'S GOT A NATURAL
RHYTHM WHEN WALKING.
UNFORTUNATELY,
A RABBIT POPPED OU
OF A HEDGE,
AND THE HORSE BOLTED.
MUST HAVE BEEN
QUITE A SIGHT.
BY THE TIME
I CAUGHT UP WITH HIM,
THE EYES WERE ROLLING,
NOSTRILS FLARING,
FOAM WAS COMING
FROM THE MOUTH.
ON TOP OF THAT,
HE LOST HIS HAT.
HE'S SWEATING A BIT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
PERHAPS I'D BETTER
GIVE HIM A RUB DOWN.
IF IT'S ALL
THE SAME TO YOU
I THINK I'LL HAVE
A SHOWER.
THANK YOU.
MR. HUMPHRIES.
OH, THANK YOU.
OH DEAR,
OH DEAR, OH DEAR.
WHAT'S THAT,
MRS. SLOCOMBE?
POOR MRS. AXELBY.
I THOUGHT SHE WAS
STILL IN SPAIN.
SHE'S JOINED
A TERRORIST GROUP.
AND SHE'S NO
ENJOYING IT A BIT.
SHE'S NOT BLOWING
THINGS UP, IS SHE?
SHE'S KNOWN
AS A SLEEPER.
THEY'RE GOING
TO ACTIVATE HER
WHEN THE REVOLUTION STARTS.
WHAT IS SHE DOING
IN THE MEANTIME?
SHE'S SHACKED UP
WITH A CLERK
IN THE ATTORNEY
GENERAL'S OFFICE.
SHE HAS TO GO
THROUGH HIS BRIEFS
WHEN HE'S HAVING A SIESTA.
WELL, SHE ALWAYS
WANTED ADVENTURE.
MR. HUMPHRIES,
YOU'RE LOOKING
RATHER DISTRAUGHT.
THEY WANT TO SUSPEND ME
AT THE DAFFODIL CLUB.
THAT SOUNDS
VERY PAINFUL.
NO, IT'S A GAMBLING DEBT.
I WAS PLAYING STRIP POKER.
I OWE THEM TWO PAIRS
OF Y-FRONTS AND A CARDIGAN.
AH, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
THERE'S A REGISTERED
LETTER FOR YOU.
IT FEELS LIKE COINS.
ANYTHING ELSE
IN THE MAIL?
YES, QUITE GOOD.
WE'VE HAD ONE OR TWO
INQUIRIES FOR BOOKINGS.
WHAT HAVE YOU GOT,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
WELL I EARNED
CERTAIN MEDALS
DURING THE WAR.
I NEVER BOTHERED
TO CLAIM THEM
I HAVEN'
MUCH USE
FOR THAT SORT OF THING,
AS YOU KNOW
BUT SEEING "THE GUNS OF
NAVARONE" A FEW WEEKS AGO
BROUGHT IT ALL
BACK TO ME.
SO, I WROTE TO
THE MINISTRY OF DEFENSE
GIVING THEM THE VARIOUS
THEATERS OF WAR
IN WHICH I SAW SERVICE.
AND WHAT HAVE
THEY SENT YOU?
UMM
THE AFRICA STAR
AND THE DEFENSE MEDAL.
THEY'LL LOOK GOOD
ON YOUR PAJAMAS.
IT'S RIDICULOUS!
I'M ENTITLED TO
MUCH MORE THAN THAT.
'COURSE YOU ARE.
WHAT ABOUT THAT TIME YOU WAS
PARACHUTED INTO YUGOSLAVIA
WITH THE CHIPMUNKS?
THE CHETNICKS,
MISS BRAHMS.
WELL, THERE'S
STILL A "D" NOTICE
SLAPPED ON THA
LITTLE ADVENTURE.
I'M FORBIDDEN TO
SPEAK ABOUT IT EVEN NOW.
HA HA! HERE'S
A COINCIDENCE.
ONE OF THE GUESTS
BOOKED IN FOR
NEXT THURSDAY
IS CALLED SLOCOMBE.
OH. WELL
IT'S NOT AN UNCOMMON NAME
IN THE DALES.
- CECIL G. SLOCOMBE.
- WHAT?!
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT,
MRS. SLOCOMBE?
YOU'VE GROWN QUITE PALE
UNDER YOUR PANCAKE.
OH, NO, IT COULDN'T BE.
WHAT'S THE MATTER,
IS HE A RELATION?
I WAS MARRIED
TO A CECIL G. SLOCOMBE.
OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
HOW LONG IS IT NOW
SINCE HE WALKED OU
ON YOU?
HE DIDN'T WALK OUT ON ME.
HE JUST DISAPPEARED.
WHERE?
IN SAINSBURY'S.
IT WAS QUITE A SHOCK,
I CAN TELL YOU.
HE'D JUST GONE OU
ONE MORNING AT 10 TO 9:00
TO BUY A POUND
OF SLIGHTLY SALTED BUTTER.
THEY USED TO CUT IT OFF
A BIG SLAB
AND BANG IT INTO SHAPE
WITH WOODEN BATS.
I KNOW, YES, THEY HAD
LITTLE GROOVES IN THEM,
USED TO KEEP
THEM IN WATER.
THAT'S RIGHT,
MR. HUMPHRIES.
I DIDN'T KNOW HE LEFT YOU
AS LONG AGO AS THAT.
SO WHAT HAPPENED?
WELL, IT GOT TO BE
HALF PAST 12:00,
AND I THOUGH
TO MESELF,
"THAT'S FUNNY."
WHAT DID YOU DO?
I HAD MARGE ON ME TOAST.
ANYWAY,
AT 1:00 I WENT OU
TO LOOK FOR HIM.
WELL, I SCOURED
EVERY PUB IN THE AREA
UNTIL I'D USED UP ALL
THE HOUSEKEEPING.
BUT THERE WASN'
A SIGN OF HIM.
THAT WAS 42 YEARS AGO
THIS EASTER.
HOW VERY SAD,
MRS. SLOCOMBE.
NOBODY COULD
UNDERSTAND IT.
I MEAN, HE WAS
DEVOTED TO ME.
AND TO THE PUSSY
I HAD AT THAT TIME.
BUT YOU KNOW,
IT'S A FUNNY THING,
YOU KNOW HOW THESE
THINGS GO IN WAVES
WELL, THERE WERE
QUITE A FEW PEOPLE
DISAPPEARED
ABOUT THAT TIME.
THE WIFE OF THE MAN NEXT DOOR
VANISHED INTO THIN AIR
THE VERY NEXT DAY.
IN SAINSBURY'S?
OH, NO.
CO-OP.
WELL, HERE IT IS,
HERE'S THE LETTER.
OH, NO!
IS IT HIM?
I'D KNOW
THAT SIGNATURE
ANYWHERE.
MANY'S THE TIME
I'VE TRACED I
ONTO ONE OF HIS CHECKS.
UNTIL HE CLOSED
HIS ACCOUNT.
WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA DO?
OH, DON'T WORRY,
MRS. SLOCOMBE.
HE PROBABLY
WON'T RECOGNIZE YOU
AFTER 40 YEARS.
NOTICE THAT'S
EXPENSIVE PAPER
AND RAISED WRITING
AND ALL.
"SLOCOMBE
LEISURE INDUSTRIES.
CHAIRMAN AND
MANAGING DIRECTOR,
CECIL G. SLOCOMBE."
HE'S OBVIOUSLY
DONE WELL FOR HIMSELF.
HOW "IGNOMONIOUS!"
HE'S GONE UP
IN THE WORLD,
AND I'VE GONE DOWN.
OH, COME, COME.
YOU'VE ALWAYS HELD
A GOOD POSITION.
I WAS A SHOPGIRL!
A POOR SHOPGIRL.
NONSENSE.
I DIDN'T EVEN SELL
GRAND PIANOS
OR TIARAS,
I SOLD KNICKERS
AND BRAS!
AND NOW I'M
NOTHING BETTER
THAN A CHAMBERMAID.
I LIVE IN AN ATTIC.
I HAVEN'T EVEN GO
A ROOM OF ME OWN.
I HAVE TO BUNK UP
WITH HER.
HE NEEDN'T KNOW
YOU BUNK UP WITH ME.
WHILE HE'S HERE,
I'LL MOVE OUT.
I'LL GO BACK TO THE ROOM
WITH THE LEAKY ROOF.
OF ALL THE GIN JOINTS
IN ALL THE WORLD,
HE HAD TO CHOOSE
THIS ONE.
I CAN'T FACE HIM,
I'LL HAVE TO GO.
NO, NO,
DON'T BE HASTY.
NO, LOOK,
WE CAN HIDE YOU
IN THE CELLAR
TILL HE'S GONE.
HOW LONG IS HE STAYING?
A WEEK.
A WEEK SOON PASSES.
LOOK,
YOU'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
YOU CAN HAVE LOTS
OF BLANKETS
AND A PRIMUS STOVE,
AND WE'LL BRING YOU DOWN
SANDWICHES AND
CUPS OF COCOA AND
YOU CAN HAVE THE TELLY
AND YOUR OWN PO.
WHAT'S IT MATTER IF HE'S
DONE WELL AND SHE HASN'T,
AS LONG AS SHE WAS HAPPY?
SHE'S VERY
CLASS CONSCIOUS,
MRS. SLOCOMBE.
SHE ALWAYS GETS
INTO THE FIRST CLASS
COMPARTMEN
AND THEN WALKS DOWN
TO THE SECOND.
I THINK PEOPLE
WERE HAPPIER
WHEN THEY KNEW
THEIR PLACE IN LIFE.
WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL,
THERE WERE ALL THE SERVANTS
IN THE BIG HOUSE,
AND THEN THERE WAS
LOTS AND LOTS OF WORKERS
RUNNING THE FARM.
WELL
HERE THEY ALL ARE.
LOOK.
THAT'S MAD JED,
THE YOUNG COW MAN.
HE FELL OUT OF
AN 'AYLOFT ONTO HIS HEAD.
BUT HE WAS HAPPY.
OH, THEN THERE'S
MR. RATCHETT,
THE GAMEKEEPER.
HE DRUNK TOO MUCH,
BUT HE WAS HAPPY.
THEN THERE WAS ROSIE BELL.
SHE WAS THE DAIRY MAID.
SHE HAD A VISION, IT MADE
HER HAIR STAND ON END.
WHAT DID SHE
HAVE A VISION OF?
WELL, WE
COULDN'T FIND OUT,
BUT SHE COULD NEVER
GET IT TO LIE DOWN AGAIN.
BUT SHE WAS HAPPY.
THAT'S ME IN DAD'S ARMS.
YOU DON'T LOOK HAPPY.
WELL, NEITHER
WOULD YOU BE
IF YOU HAD OLD POTATO SACKS
FOR NAPPIES.
WHERE'S YOUR MOTHER?
SHE RAN OFF
WITH THE BLACKSMITH.
I BET SHE WAS HAPPY.
LOOK AT THAT OLD CAR
WE'RE ALL STANDING ON.
MY DAD MADE THA
OUT OF OLD BEER CRATES.
SAME AS THE BED HE'S
PUTTING IN THE CELLAR
FOR MRS. SLOCOMBE.
MRS. SLOCOMBE WILL NEVER
SLEEP ON A HOMEMADE BED.
SHE'S DEFINITELY
KENDAL MILNES INTERIOR SPRUNG.
WHY DON'T WE GIVE
HER OUR ROOM?
AND WE'LL
CAMP OUT DOWN THERE.
IT'S ONLY
A SMALL BED,
BUT WE'LL MANAGE
IF WE TURN OVER TOGETHER.
LET'S NO
COMPLICATE THINGS.
I MIGHT TURN
AT THE WRONG TIME,
AND WE'LL BE UP
ALL NIGHT.
HERE, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
NOW, LOOK, YOU'LL BE
AS SNUG AS A BUG IN A
BRICK!
I FAIL TO SEE WHY
YOU HAVE TO HIDE.
YOU'VE GOT NOTHING
TO BE ASHAMED OF.
I QUITE AGREE,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
JUST 'CAUSE YOU
STARTED OFF HUMBLE
AND FINISHED UP
HUMBLE.
WHO'S TO SAY
HE'S GONNA
RECOGNIZE YOU
ANYWAY?
WELL, I DIDN'
AT FIRST,
AND NOBODY KNOW'D YA
BETTER THAN I DID.
I'M SORRY,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
BUT I CAN'
STAY HERE.
IT'S LIKE BEING
IN CELL BLOCK "H."
LISTEN,
WHY DON'T YOU COME AND
BED DOWN IN MY COTTAGE?
I'LL GIVE YOU
BREAKFAST IN BED,
AND WE CAN HAVE
A GOOD LAUGH
ABOUT OLD TIMES.
MR. MOULTERD,
PLEASE KEEP IT DOWN.
IT'S A JOB,
WITH YOU ABOUT.
I THINK I OUGH
TO TELL YOU,
HE'S HERE!
HE'S NOT SUPPOSED
TO BE HERE TILL
TOMORROW.
BUT HE GOT THE DATES WRONG.
WHAT DOES HE LOOK LIKE?
HAS HE GOT RED HAIR?
WELL, HIS HAIR IS RECEDING
A BIT, LIKE MINE.
HE HAS A FEW GINGER THREADS,
AMONG THE GOLD.
MEDIUM HEIGHT?
MEDIUM EVERYTHING.
THAT'S HIM.
IT SEEMS HE'S NO
JUST HERE AS A GUEST.
HIS GROUP IS LOOKING
FOR PROPERTY AND LAND
TO DEVELOP AS A CONFERENCE
CENTER AND LEISURE PARK.
HE SAID HE'D MAKE A SUBSTANTIAL
OFFER IF THE PLACE SUITS HIM.
BUT WE CAN'T SELL.
IT'S A TRUST.
OH HO HO.
TRUSTS CAN BE BROKEN
WHEN THERE'S A LO
OF CASH AT STAKE.
WHAT'S HE DOIN' NOW?
WELL, I LEFT HIM LOOKING
ROUND THE GROUND FLOOR,
BUT HE WANTS TO INSPEC
DOWN HERE,
AND THE FOUNDATIONS.
OOH! HE MUSTN'
FIND ME HERE!
TELL YE WHAT,
COME AND HIDE
IN THIS OLD
PRIESTS' HOLE.
THIS IS WHERE
THEY USED TO HIDE
TO GET AWAY
FROM OLIVER CROMWELL.
OOH, GRACIOUS ME.
THEY MUST HAVE HAD
SOME VERY SMALL PRIESTS.
TELL YA WHAT,
TRY BACKIN' IN.
( DOOR CREAKING )
MRS. SLOCOMBE:
LET ME OUT!
( POUNDING )
WHAT'S THE MATTER,
MRS. SLOCOMBE?
I CAN'T STAY IN THERE.
IT SMELLS
OF OLD PRIESTS.
TELL YA WHAT,
YOU CAN CLIMB
THROUGH THIS WINDOW.
YES, YOU GET UP
FIRST, MR. MOULTERD,
AND OPEN THE WINDOW
UP FOR HER.
RIGHTY-O.
COME ALONG, COME ALONG.
WE'LL GIVE YOU A LEG UP.
MAN:
THERE DOESN'T SEEM
TO BE A SWITCH.
- DON'T LET HIM
COME DOWN HERE!
- SHH, SHH!
FEND HIM OFF,
MR. RUMBOLD.
WE'RE TRYING
TO FIX UP A LIGH
FOR YOU.
PERHAPS YOU COULD
COME DOWN LATER.
WELL, OUR MAINTENANCE CREW
IS FIXING UP
A LIGHT FOR YOU,
DOWNSTAIRS.
MR. HUMPHRIES,
ARE YOU FREE?
I'M FREE!
ENTERTAIN
MR. SLOCOMBE.
I'LL GO AND TRY
AND SPEED UP
THE MAINTENANCE
CREW.
CERTAINLY, SIR.
WELL, HOW CAN
I ENTERTAIN YOU,
MR. SLOCOMBE?
GIN AND TONIC?
I NEVER TOUCH THE STUFF.
I HAD A WIFE WHO
COULDN'T LEAVE IT ALONE.
TERRIBLE WHEN I
GETS TO THAT STATE.
SHOCKING. SHE GOT THROUGH
THE HOUSEKEEPING BY TUESDAY.
TELL YOU WHAT,
WHILE WE'RE WAITING,
COULD YOU SHOW ME
THE OUTSIDE?
OH, CERTAINLY, SIR.
WE'LL START ROUND THE BACK.
WALK THIS WAY.
PUSH!
PUSH!
I RECALL A SIMILAR SCENE
IN "WINNIE THE POOH."
HE GOT STUCK
IN RABBIT'S HOLE.
NO WONDER IT GOT BANNED
FROM BRENT LIBRARY.
BY GOSH, IF YOU
WAS A PRIEST, RACHEL,
CROMWELL WOULD'VE
HAD YOU BY NOW.
OH, IT'S COLD.
AND I'M ONLY WEARING
THIS THIN FROCK.
YOU CAN PUT MY OLD
RATTIN' COAT ROUND YA.
OH, YOU'RE TOO KIND.
I SEE YOU HAVE
QUITE A LARGE ACREAGE.
WE COULD INTRODUCE
SOME GAME BIRDS
INTO THE WOODED AREA,
AND THE VISITORS
COULD BANG AWAY,
WHEN THEY'RE IN SEASON.
I SUPPOSE YOU CAN DO
WHAT YOU LIKE
IF IT'S PRIVATE.
OOH, HECK.
IT'S HIM,
IT'S HIM!
IS THIS SOME
OF THE OUTSIDE STAFF?
YES. THIS IS
MR. MOULTERD,
THE FARM MANAGER.
HOW DO?
AND THIS IS THE WIFE,
RACHEL.
SAY HELLO TO THE NICE
GENTLEMAN, RACHEL.
( DISGUISING VOICE )
HOW DO?
SHE'S A BIT SHY
WITH STRANGERS,
BUT SHE'S ALL RIGH
WHEN SHE GETS GOIN'.
THAT'S RIGHT, AIN'T IT,
MR. HUMPHRIES?
CERTAINLY IS,
MR. MOULTERD.
DO YOU WORK
ON THE FARM,
MRS. MOULTERD?
OOH, ARR. OOH, ARR.
AND, UH, HAVE YOU
ANY CHILDREN?
NO, BUT IT ISN'
FOR WANT OF TRYIN',
IS IT, RACHEL?
DO YOU LIVE
IN THE MAIN HOUSE?
NO, I GOT A NICE
LITTLE COTTAGE.
WELL, I OUGHT TO
SEE THAT LATER.
YEAH, YOU'LL HAVE TO COME
ROUND FOR A CUP O' TEA,
WON'T HE, RACHEL?
OOH, ARR, HMM.
WELL, I SHALL ENJOY THAT.
YOU'LL MAKE HIM
SOME BUNS,
WON'T YE,
ME DARLIN'?
OOH, ARR.
MRS. MOULTERD'S QUITE FAMOUS
FOR HER BUNS,
AREN'T YOU,
MRS. MOULTERD?
OOH, ARR.
OOH, ARR.
OOH, UGH.
DO YOU THINK HE
HE REALLY BELIEVES
THAT MRS. SLOCOMBE
IS MRS. MOULTERD?
WELL, HE SEEMED TO.
POOR MRS. SLOCOMBE'S
GOT TO MAKE TEA FOR HIM
SO HE CAN INSPEC
THE COTTAGE.
HE MUST INDEED
BE INTERESTED
IN THE PROPERTY.
AW, YOU DON'T WANNA
SELL THIS PLACE,
YOU'RE BUILDING UP
QUITE NICELY.
AND MR. HUMPHRIES IS
JUST SETTLIN' DOWN,
AREN'T YOU,
MR. HUMPHRIES?
WELL, I AM
SLEEPING BETTER.
THE FARMYARD NOISES
HARDLY DISTURB ME AT ALL.
THAT'S RIGHT.
AN' HE EVEN SLEPT THROUGH
THE EARLY MORNIN' COCK TODAY.
DID YOU?
DO YOU KNOW,
I MUST'VE DONE?
ANYWAY,
AS I SEE IT,
ACCORDING
TO THE TERMS
OF THE TRUST,
WE'RE NO
ALLOWED TO SELL.
NO, OTHERWISE WE WOULD'VE
SOLD IT, RIGHT?
AND COPPED THE LOLLY?
WELL, AS I READ
THE DOCUMENT,
IF THE TRUSTEES
GET AN OFFER,
HIGHER THAN
THE MARKET PRICE,
THEY'RE OBLIGED TO SELL.
AND DISTRIBUTE THE CAPITAL
AMONGST THE BENEFICIARIES,
NAMELY, US.
WELL, WHAT IS
THE MARKET VALUE?
WELL, IN THE PRESENT SITUATION,
THE PRESENT STATE
OF STRUCTURAL CONDITION,
I'D SAY, 350,000.
THAT'S NEARLY 50,000 EACH.
I SAY SELL.
HANG ON A MINUTE,
MISS BRAHMS.
EVEN WELL INVESTED,
THAT WOULD BRING YOU IN
LESS THAN £100 A WEEK.
WE DID BETTER THAN THA
WITH THE TOUR PARTY
AT THE WEEKEND.
ACCORDING TO ONE
OF THE PROVISIONS,
THE STAFF HAVE TO BE KEPT ON,
WE'D STILL HAVE OUR JOBS.
BUT WE WOULD NOT BE
OUR OWN BOSSES.
YEAH, AND YOU KNOW
WHAT RICH PEOPLE IS LIKE,
THEY'D HAVE YOU WORKING
YOUR FINGERS TO THE BONE.
AND MR. HUMPHRIES IS NO
AN EARLY RISER.
AREN'T YOU?
DO YOU KNOW,
I NEVER HAVE BEEN?
I THINK I SHOULD WARN YOU
THAT I SAW THE FIGURE 550
ON MR. SLOCOMBE'S NOTES.
PERHAPS HE WANTS HIS EARLY
MORNING TEA AT 10 TO 6:00.
HEY, YOU!
OLD WOMAN!
YOU DO REALIZE
THIS IS PRIVATE PROPERTY?
IT'S ME,
YA DAFT HA'PORTH.
MY WORD, YOU
HAVE GONE NATIVE.
SHH, SHH!
YOU SEE,
MY EX-HUSBAND
IS HERE,
AND I DON'T WAN
HIM TO KNOW
HOW I'VE COME DOWN
IN THE WORLD.
SO, YOU'VE DISGUISED
YOURSELF
AS A MILLIONAIRE TRAMP?
WILL YOU LOOK
IN THE KITCHEN WINDOW
AND SEE IF YOU
CAN SEE A MAN
WITH RECEDING
RED HAIR,
A PLAIN FACE,
AND MEDIUM
EVERYTHING ELSE?
THERE IS.
OH, HECK.
IT'S MR. RUMBOLD.
IS THE COAS
CLEAR?
YEAH, COME ON.
HE'S UPSTAIRS
HAVING A SIESTA.
OH, I'VE HAD SUCH A TIME
AT MR. MOULTERD'S HOUSE.
DO YOU KNOW,
HE'S GOT A PHOTOGRAPH?
HE SAYS IT'S ME, PULLING UP
RADISHES AS A LAND GIRL.
WELL, IT WAS TAKEN FROM BEHIND,
IT COULD HAVE BEEN ANYBODY.
OH, TAKE NO NOTICE OF HIM.
HE'S GOT LOTS O' PHOTOS
TAKEN FROM BEHIND
O' LAND GIRLS
PULLIN' UP RADISHES.
IT WERE ONE
OF HIS WEAKNESSES.
HE WERE LAND GIRL MAD.
HE WAS QUITE SORRY
WHEN HITLER PACKED IT ALL IN
AND THEY HAD TO GO HOME.
HE'S SO EARTHY.
HE WANTED ME
TO MAKE HIM SOME BUNS.
HE GAVE ME A SACK OF FLOUR,
A BAG OF RAISINS
AND TOLD ME
TO GET ON WITH IT.
AND DO YOU KNOW,
HE'S GOT A COOKING STOVE
WITH 1886 ON THE DOOR?
OH, NEVER YOU MIND THAT.
I'LL GO AND DO IT.
MRS. SLOCOMBE,
WE WERE JUST DISCUSSING
WHAT THE IMPLICATIONS
WILL BE
IF YOUR HUSBAND
BUYS THE HOTEL.
CECIL?
BUY THIS HOTEL?
YEAH, MR. RUMBOLD
WAS SAYIN'
HE'D HAVE
TO KEEP US ON
AS STAFF.
WHAT? ME WORK FOR HIM
AS A CHAMBERMAID?
MRS. SLOCOMBE,
DON'T UPSE
YOURSELF.
AND HIM
WALKIN' ABOUT
LOOKIN' DOWN
HIS NOSE AT ME.
OF COURSE, I KNOW
ME MAGNETISM'S GONE.
I KEPT IT GOING
FOR 20 YEARS.
I WAS HOPIN'
HE'D COME BACK.
AND THEN YOUR MAGNETISM
LOST ITS PULL?
DON'T WORRY,
MRS. SLOCOMBE,
I'M SURE HE'D
LET YOU TAKE REDUNDANCY.
I'VE BEEN REDUNDAN
FOR 40 YEARS!
I DON'T THINK THAT WAS
VERY TACTFUL, MR. RUMBOLD.
HERE YOU ARE,
MRS. SLOCOMBE.
WIPE YOUR EYES
ON THE TEA TOWEL.
OH, THANK YOU, LOVE.
( BLOWS NOSE )
YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
IF HE WAS TO TAKE ON
THE NUMBER OF STAFF
THAT THEY HAD ON THE FARM
IN THE OLD DAYS,
THEN, WELL, HE MIGHT FIND
THE PROPOSITION
NOT REALLY WORTHWHILE.
DID THEY HAVE A LOT?
OH, WELL,
LOOK AT THAT.
OH, BLIMEY.
THAT'S ENOUGH
TO PU
ANYONE OFF.
WELL, THEY'RE ALL HAPPY.
I'M SURE MR. MOULTERD
COULD RUSTLE UP
A FEW FARMING TYPES
FROM THE VILLAGE
TO MAKE UP THE NUMBERS.
HALF A DOZEN
LOCAL YOKELS
AND THE PROPOSITION
WOULD NOT SEEM
COST EFFECTIVE.
MMM.
CHEER UP, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
ALL IS NOT YET LOST.
EXCEPT YOUR MAGNETISM.
RIGHT.
NOW, LET ME GE
THIS STRAIGHT:
YOU'VE A HEADWAITER
AND TWO ASSISTAN
WAITERS,
YOU'VE A BARMAN,
A HALL PORTER,
AND TWO CHAMBERMAIDS,
A MANAGER, A CHEF,
- AND TWO KITCHEN HANDS?
- AND ME!
I'VE SEEN THE BARMAN
AND THE MANAGER
WHERE ARE THE OTHERS?
- IT'S THEIR DAY OFF.
- ON TOP OF ALL THAT,
THERE'S THE OUTSIDE STAFF.
THAT'S RIGHT.
I'VE ONLY ME
MR. AND MRS. MOULTERD.
WHO ELSE IS THERE?
WELL, I'M NOT SURE.
THERE'S QUITE A FEW.
YOU'VE BEEN
A LONG TIME, DAD.
MR. SLOCOMBE'LL
BE HERE IN A MINUTE.
WHERE'S
MRS. SLOCOMBE?
SHE'S UPSTAIRS.
SHE'S BEEN LOOKIN'
AT SOME OF MOM'S
OLD CLOTHES.
BY GOSH,
MRS. SLOCOMBE,
YOU'RE A FINE FIGURE
OF A WOMAN!
I THINK YOU'VE TOOK
YOUR RIGHTFUL PLACE
HERE AT LAST.
MR. MOULTERD,
I'M ONLY DOING THIS
FOR MILLSTONE MANOR,
SO DON'T GE
ANY FANCY IDEAS,
AND YOU'RE VERY LATE.
WELL, I'VE BEEN UP
THE VILLAGE
TO GET THE BLOKES
LIKE CAP'N PEACOCK SAID.
WHO'VE YOU GOT?
NOBODY.
THEM ALL GONE
TO THE CATTLE SHOW.
I DON'T KNOW WHEN
THEY'LL BE BACK.
I LEFT MESSAGES
ALL 'ROUND.
HAVE YOU TOLD
CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
YEAH, HE DIDN'
HALF TAKE ON.
HE USED WORDS
I AIN'T HEARD USED
SINCE I RUNNED OVER
THE VICAR'S FOO
WITH A TRACTOR.
THEY'RE COMIN'.
DO I LOOK ALL RIGHT?
YES, BUT YOU
CAN'T POSSIBLY BE
MY DAUGHTER.
WE SAID WE HADN'
ANY CHILDREN.
YEAH, I SAID
SHE WAS BARREN.
WELL, I BEST KEEP
OUT O' SIGHT THEN.
NO, NO, NO.
IF MR. MOULTERD DIDN'
FIND ANYBODY IN THE VILLAGE,
WELL, YOU BETTER PRETEND
TO BE ONE OF THE WORKERS.
RIGHT. I'LL BE BACK
IN A MINUTE.
( KNOCK ON DOOR )
OH, COME IN,
KIND SIR.
WE BE SIMPLE FOLK HERE,
BUT WE BE VERY 'APPY
TO SHARE OUR 'UMBLE GRUB.
THIS IS MR. SLOCOMBE,
FROM LONDON.
THIS IS MRS. MOULTERD.
YES, I'VE ALREADY
HAD THE PLEASURE.
THAT MAKES TWO OF US.
WE NEVER HAD NO ONE
FROM LONDON BEFORE,
'AVE WE, MAURICE?
I BET YOU GO
A FINE BIG HOUSE,
AND NO DOUB
YOU GOT A FINE YOUNG WIFE.
ONE O' THEY BIMBOS,
I SHOULDN'T BE SURPRISED.
DO YOU MIND
IF WE SIT DOWN?
ASSEYEZ-VOUS.
THAT'S FRENCH
FOR "SIT DOWN."
I LEARNT THA
AT SCHOOL.
I'VE WAITED 60 YEARS
TO SAY THAT.
WOULD YOU LIKE
A NICE CUP OF TEA?
THANK YOU.
I EXPECT YOU'RE
USED TO FANCY CHINA?
'ELP YOURSELF TO BUNS,
AN' THERE'S BUTTER THERE.
SLIGHTLY SALTED,
FROM SAINSBURY'S.
DO YOU KNOW,
I HAVEN'T BEEN
TO SAINSBURY'S
FOR 40 YEARS?
WELL, WHERE THE BLOODY HELL
HAVE YOU BEEN IN THE MEANTIME?
MRS. MOULTERD IS
ALWAYS INTERESTED
IN PEOPLES'
TRAVEL STORIES.
HELLO, MR. AND MRS. MOULTERD.
WHO'S THIS?
OH, I'M ROSIE BELL,
ONE OF THE DAIRY MAIDS.
THERE'S SEVERAL OF US.
HOW DO YOU DO?
WHAT AN UNUSUAL HAIRDO.
SHE HAD A VISION.
THAT'S WHY
IT STOOD ON END.
BUT I'M HAPPY.
WHAT'S FOR TEA?
- BUNS.
- OH.
WITH SLIGHTLY SALTED BUTTER.
FROM SAINSBURY'S.
( CHUCKLING )
HELLO.
WHO'S THIS?
I'M THE GAMEKEEPER.
RATCHETT'S THE NAME,
CATCH-IT'S THE GAME.
AH. HOW DO?
HA HA HA.
SO, YOU'RE THE FINE
GENTLEMAN FROM LONDON
WHO'S GONNA TAKE CARE
OF US ALL, EH?
WE'LL BE ONE BIG
HAPPY FAMILY.
I BRUNG YOU A RABBIT.
IF IT'S TOO BIG
TO GO IN YOUR BRIEFCASE,
I'LL CHOP IT IN HALF.
NO, NO.
THAT'S FINE.
YOU CAN GIVE I
TO THAT BIMBO TO COOK.
YOU COULD HARDLY DESCRIBE
MY COOK AS A BIMBO.
TAKE NO NOTICE
OF MRS. MOULTERD.
SHE READS
"THE SUN" A LOT.
SORRY I'M LATE.
I COULDN'T FIND MY HAT,
AND THEN WHEN I FOUND IT,
IT WAS ON MY HEAD.
THIS BE MAD JED.
WHO FELL
ON HIS HEAD.
WE THOUGH
HE WERE DEAD.
BUT I'M HAPPY.
I WHITTLED YOU SOME WOOD.
I MADE YOU A CLOTHESPEG.
I FORGOT TO DO
THE MIDDLE BIT THOUGH.
THAT'S VERY NICE
OF YOU, UH JED.
OH, I'M LIKE THAT.
SOMETIMES I'M LIKE THIS
BUT MOST OF THE TIME,
I'M LIKE THAT
THIS BE THE FINE
GENTLEMAN
WHO'S GONNA
LOOK AFTER US ALL.
OH, I MUST TELL
NED AND ED AND FRED.
YOUR BROTHERS?
NO, MY SISTERS,
BUT THEY'RE HAPPY!
WELL NOW,
THERE ARE RATHER
MORE WORKERS
ON THE ESTATE
THAN I'D ALLOWED
FOR, MR. MOULTERD.
OH, THEY BREED
LIKE RABBITS DOWN HERE.
EXCEPT HER.
SHE'S BARREN.
HELLO.
I'M ROSIE BELL.
EH? I THOUGH
SHE WAS ROSIE BELL?
OOH, UH
WELL, WE'RE TWINS!
TWINS?
YOU DON'
LOOK ALIKE.
WELL, THAT'S
'CAUSE WE WAS BORN
AT SEPARATE TIMES.
ANYWAY, I'M SORRY
I'M LATE,
I JUST FOUND OU
I'M PREGNANT,
BUT I'M HAPPY.
WHO'S
THE FATHER?
IT BE YOU, JED.
ARE YOU HAPPY?
I'M FLABBERGASTED.
I, UH, I'VE GO
SOME GOOD NEWS.
I'VE FOUND A FEW
OF THE FARM WORKERS.
COME IN!
YOU'D BETTER GE
MORE MUGS, MAURICE.
TELL US A STORY
ABOUT LONDON.
WELL, I HARDLY KNOW
WHERE TO START.
HOW ABOUT SAINSBURY'S?
( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )