As Time Goes By (1992) s02e03 Episode Script

# You must remember this # A kiss is still a kiss # A sigh is just a sigh # The fundamental things apply # As time goes by # You're not very good at this, are you? Would you like me to have a go? If you think I'm changing places with you, you're mad.
- Masculine pride, is it? - No.
Sweet reason.
If we try to change places in this bathtub, one or both of us will fall in.
- You look very warm.
- Well, it's a hot day.
Let's just float about a bit.
I'm determined to get out of sight of that stupid man in that stupid hut.
- I thought we'd come further than that.
- Well, we haven't.
Why stupid? I thought he was being very helpful.
I didn't like the way he said, "Let me give you a hand.
" You're being vain.
One foot in the boat, one on the shore.
Another few minutes, you'd have done the splits! - Stop doing that with your knuckles! - My knuckles? - They're white.
- That's cos I'm holding on tightly.
I know why.
I wish you wouldn't do it.
It doesn't transmit confidence.
It has to be said, you don't inspire confidence.
I thought you said you could row.
What I said was anyone can row.
Shall we send up a flare or what? Let's turn round, row gently back to your friend and find something cool to drink.
If I was 20, I'd have said, "Let me row you to the islands of Polynesia.
" If I was 20, I'd have said yes.
- As it is - As it is, let's just turn the boat round.
- You pull on one oar to do that.
- I know! Sorry, sorry, sorry.
We're going round again.
- I'm enjoying it.
- Stop.
Stop, stop! - Quite neat, that, wasn't it? - Apart from going round twice.
If this was a tiny circular lake, I'd be rather good.
Take us back to port, Cap'n.
That I will, missy! And then a jug of ale at the Smuggler's Arms! Ahhhhhh! Are you reading your palms? - I'm going to get blisters.
- Oh, dear.
- I thought you were thirsty.
- You got me cider again.
- I keep forgetting.
Sorry.
- Don't be sorry.
It shows you remember.
When you did like cider, I wouldn't have got blisters.
I could do anything then.
Run, jump, spring.
- I don't remember you springing.
- Well, I could have if I'd wanted to.
- Like Zebedee? - Who? Zebedee in The Magic Roundabout.
Boing, he used to go.
Boing, boing, boing! - Did he? - Yes.
Boing, boing, boing! - Every day, you know, a bit of me hurts.
- Which bit? Different bits.
Every single day.
Knee, shoulder, elbow, neck.
Not pain, just hurt.
What are you doing? I just wondered if there was an intensive care unit nearby.
- It's different for a woman, you see.
- Oh, is it? Yes.
Running, jumping - Springing.
- Yes.
- Women don't do as much of that as men.
- Aren't we clever? Take you.
I mean, you were a nifty little thing.
- Nifty? - Yes.
I don't remember you doing anything very physical.
- Oh, don't you? - No.
Well, I don't intend to prompt you.
Oh, well, that goes without saying, but that wasn't running or jumping.
- Or springing.
Not by and large, no.
- Or springing, no.
No, this slowing down, joints clicking, it seems to happen earlier with men.
Must be the cumulative effect of all that springing they do when they're young.
There's another thing - could I protect you? - Protect me? - Yes.
- Who from? - Well, I don't know.
An attacker.
I don't know what that means.
This attack isn't imminent, is it? - Course not.
I was just supposing.
- Well, suppose about something else.
- Probably best.
- Something more cheerful.
What's the matter? It's all the things I can't do any more.
All the things we can't do any more.
This is just getting silly.
You make it sound as if our relationship is based on one long series of athletic events.
They are going to blister.
- Is that you, Mum? - No.
- Want a cup of tea? - Oh, yes.
- You're back early.
Is Lionel with you? - No.
He went home to tend his blisters.
- Blisters? What have you been doing to him? - We went rowing on the lake.
- That's a nice thing to do.
- Only in theory.
Lionel lost the oars and we had to be towed in.
Oh, what a shame.
- Did you laugh? - Lionel didn't.
- (Sighs) - You look tired.
I'm not in the least tired.
- It's funny, I'm going on the river later.
- I hope you go with someone who can row.
No, a crowd of us on a boat down to Greenwich.
- Anyone special? - Only me.
- You are tired.
- All right, I am.
So what's so tiring about sitting in a rowing boat? Well, we went for a walk afterwards and, before you say I'm out of condition, it was quite a long walk and quite a fast walk.
- People of your age should stroll.
- You going to pour that tea? I thought it was going to be a stroll, actually.
It's Lionel, he kept going faster and faster.
It ended up as a sort of forced march.
- He was looking for the loo.
- No.
He was miffed about the rowing.
Then he started complaining about all the things he couldn't do, all the aches and pains he gets.
That's why we went twice round the park at top speed.
I mean, we passed horses! - He's not old.
Why should he think he's old? - It's just a mood.
Don't be angry with him.
- Well, I am angry with him.
- Why? - For making me feel old too.
- Oh, rubbish.
"People of your age," you said.
- A slip of the tongue.
- Hm.
Oh, come on, Mum, you're not old.
- Well, I'm not young.
- Middle-aged.
Huh.
It's like a rubber band, middle age.
A comparatively graceful expression till you get to about 50, then you push the rubber band and push it and push it and one day it snaps and you're old.
Look, there's nothing wrong with late middle age.
That's just an invented term.
It's like early youth.
- He has depressed you.
- Huh.
I tell you what, come on the river with me later.
No, thanks, love.
I've had enough of being on the water for one day.
I think I'll have a bath.
Oh, well, that's in the water.
Yes, but at least I won't be towed anywhere.
(Phone) This could be the delivery of your Bath chair! Hello? Hello, Lionel.
Yes, she is.
Just a minute.
It's the Ancient Mariner.
If he's phoned up to talk about his blisters, I shan't want to know.
Hello, Lionel.
Me? Oh, yes, I'm fine.
I'm very fit.
You? Oh.
You think your blisters are definitely going to come up, do you? Tomorrow? No, I'm free.
Why, what are we going to do? Row the Atlantic? Oh.
Oh, no.
Oh, no, that'll be fine.
I'd really like to.
Yeah, fine, all right.
Tomorrow morning.
See you.
Bye.
Well? Come on, where are you going? Hampshire.
He wants me to meet his father.
I asked for cups.
I don't think she understood the word.
- Any spoons? - Apparently, these are spoons.
Presumably, they are designed to double as toothpicks.
Why you insisted on tea in this plastic palace is beyond me.
The house is ten minutes away.
Well, I wanted to collect myself.
I'm nervous, if you must know.
- What on earth for? - Of meeting your father.
He's not frightening in any way.
He's a bit peculiar, but not frightening.
- Peculiar? - Well yeah, that's the way I see him.
Does he know about us? I mean, 38 years ago.
- Oh, yes, I told him.
- At the time? Um no.
- Oh, really? - Ooh, there's an edge to your voice.
- Is there really? I'm sure I don't know why.
- Yes.
Unless it's the sudden realisation that I was your bit of stuff and had to be hidden away.
- I never went home when I knew you.
- Embarrassed? Selfish.
Every bit of leave I got I wanted to spend with you.
I didn't want to share you with anybody.
Ohh.
- How are your blisters? - Oh, they didn't come up after all.
So when did you tell him about us? After the army, after Korea, after we'd lost each other.
And what did he say? He said I was a bloody fool.
I'm beginning not to like him.
No, not for falling in love, for ever managing to lose you.
Oh, he actually sounds rather nice.
He's not expecting me still to be 18, is he? Not unless he thinks I'm still 21.
Do I look all right? - Of course you do.
- There's no "of course" about it.
- Well, you do.
- Good.
Shall we go? - What about your tea? - I've gone off it.
Lucky Trevor Howard and Celia Johnson didn't meet in a buffet like this.
Their brief encounter wouldn't have lasted five minutes.
It's just round the next bend.
- You've never mentioned your mother.
- She died ten years ago.
Oh.
Did she know about me? (Chuckles) Oh, yes.
- What did she say? - She said you never get a second chance.
- Not one of life's optimists, my mother.
- I can see who you take after.
Very good-looking woman, though! Ah, here we are.
It's beautiful.
- Very draughty.
- It's very grand.
I've never really thought about it.
Hello, Mrs Bale.
- Cheerful soul.
- Think of her as Mrs Danvers and you'll be all right.
Please make yourselves comfortable.
Mr Hardcastle will be with you shortly.
Thank you, Mrs Bale.
It's good to see you again.
How are you? - I hear you're soon to have a book published.
- Yes, I am.
Hmm.
I expect you'd like a drink before lunch.
I shall mix some pina coladas.
Excuse me.
- I told you he was peculiar.
- You didn't mention her.
- These are too new to be heirlooms.
- He has fads.
Used to be vintage motorcycles.
Fortunately, he gave them up on his 82nd birthday.
- Do you remember these? - (Chuckles) I'm afraid I do.
Press two buttons, put the money in.
It was just like magic.
- # One, two, three o'clock # - But I didn't touch anything! - Of course you did.
- I thought you had to put money in.
- This isn't a coffee bar.
- # Gonna rock around # - (Music stops) - I shan't touch anything else.
Shouldn't think anything else is booby-trapped.
Did I hear the immortal Bill and his Comets? - Oh, that was me.
I'm so sorry.
- No, no, don't be sorry.
An excellent choice.
- Hello, my boy.
- Hello, Father.
May I present Jean Pargetter? Indeed you may! - What a pretty girl.
- Oh, thank you.
You don't play darts, do you? Er I'm not in practice.
Never mind.
What are you like on the pin table? A novice, I'm afraid.
Lionel, you haven't been looking after this girl.
- Such an obvious thing to overlook, isn't it? - Don't be tart, Lionel.
It doesn't suit you.
- Let's sit down, shall we? - Right.
Ah, snifters.
Oh thank you.
Thanks.
Mm.
Lunch will be served in eighteen and a half minutes.
Rock on, Mrs Bale.
- Well, down the hatch, eh? - (All) Cheers.
She's a sullen creature, but she shakes a great cocktail.
So, Jean Pargetter, you're the one that got away.
- I could say the same about Lionel.
- Could you? - It was a long time ago.
- Yes, I suppose it was, really.
So where are you up to now? Up to? Yes, up to.
Well, erm we're friends, obviously.
Yes? And we see each other.
Well, you would.
Yes.
- We went boating yesterday.
- I hope you rowed.
Oh, Lionel rowed beautifully.
- (Laughs) I can see why you like her! - And what about you, Father, how are you? I am trembling on the brink of life's next great adventure.
- You're not going back to motorbikes? - Oh, no, no, no.
No, I'll tell you later.
Well, we'll go in, shall we? We haven't waited eighteen and a half minutes.
Well, then, we'll catch her on the hop.
She hates that! Oh I nearly forgot.
- That's for you.
- Oh! - Oh, how lovely.
- You haven't seen it yet.
Ignore him.
Open it.
Oh.
- A cricket ball.
- Lionel didn't know I'd kept that.
He made his first half-century whacking that ball for Winchester.
June 1948.
Oh, it's a lovely present! Thank you very much.
Well, I'll lead the way, shall I? (Whispers) Oh, isn't he sweet? I'd forgotten what a good cook Mrs Bale was.
She looked a bit tight-lipped when you didn't finish your rice pudding.
Yes.
I've always felt she was a great loss to the prison service.
I kept expecting her to call you Master Lionel.
No, she stopped that when I was about 25.
Sorry about my father's jokes over lunch.
They were a bit racy.
Plain dirty mostly, but very funny.
I like your father.
How did he get on with your wife? Oh, I brought her home on leave a couple of times from Kenya.
It was like trying to mix oil and water.
- He likes you.
- I wonder if he'd have liked me 38 years ago.
- He'd have chased you all over the house.
- Mrs Bale's bringing coffee out here.
Unless you young things would like to play tennis or something.
Oh, no, I think coffee's a much better idea.
I wish you'd stop referring to us as young people.
- Well, it's all comparative.
- (Mrs Bale) Coffee.
And it's force eight in the English Channel.
- Bit on the choppy side.
- Decidedly.
- Shall I? - Oh, would you, my dear? Why did she say it was force eight in the English Channel? - It's one of her interests.
- She also likes Australian Rules football.
- She ever been to Australia? - She hasn't even been to the English Channel.
Now, I was going to tell you about life's next great adventure.
- So you were.
- I've decided to get married again.
- Shouldn't somebody say congratulations? - Of course.
Congratulations.
- You are joking? - Certainly not.
It's absurd.
I believe "a lead balloon" is the expression.
Well, he's just a bit, erm, surprised.
Your mouth stayed open quite a long time, as well.
Yes, I'm sorry.
It's just, erm That I'm old.
Well - Sorry.
- Don't be.
I am old.
All the more reason to rock on.
If you don't rock on, you might as well shuffle off the old mortal whatsit.
- Coil, yes.
- Coil, mm.
Start designing your headstone.
She's a fine woman, you know, Madge.
She's only 78.
Would have been here today only she sings on Sunday.
Church stuff, you know.
And you've got to meet her, of course.
You must be a bridesmaid! A bridesmaid? Aren't I a bit - Old? - Yes.
You make me feel about 20.
Good.
You won't ask Lionel to be a pageboy, though, will you? Stupid thing.
- Oh, there you are.
- I'm ready to go when you are.
- You've gone all huffy.
- I'm not huffy at all.
- You should be pleased for him.
- He's 85 years old.
Mm.
And he can't be your father because you're at least 90.
- He's ingratiated himself.
I knew he would.
- No, he's endeared himself.
Why? - He's not at all like you.
- Oh, thanks very much.
No, I didn't mean it like that.
He never talks about the things he can't do.
- They must be legion.
- Yes, but he never talks about them.
- He only talks about the things he can do.
- Like making a fool of himself.
No, like thinking he's got time for joy and, well, Madge, actually.
- Madge.
He's marrying Madge? - Shh, shh! Yes.
She's as crackers as he is.
She's learning to play the drums.
- Rock on.
- Rock on.
If I learnt to play the electric guitar, we could form a pop group.
- I never thought of you as mean spirited.
- I don't want you to start.
- Don't begrudge him.
- I don't really.
In a sort of a way, I envy him.
You still think he's crackers.
That's what I envy.
Safe, that's what I've always been, steady.
If in doubt, don't do it.
If it's new, don't try it.
The only time I had a potential for being crackers was when I met you.
- I could have put that better, couldn't I? - No, you couldn't.
Then, you see, I could've done anything.
Or, more accurately, I was prepared to try and do anything.
- What are you doing? - I want to dance.
- What, here? - It's a bit of a dash to the Hammersmith Palais.
- Not Rock Around The Clock.
- Not on a full stomach, no.
- (# Buddy Holly: Raining In My Heart) - Oh, now, that's better.
Come on.
# The sun is out - # The sky is blue # - I'm a bit out of practice.
Shh.
Why were you such a misery yesterday? It wasn't just the rowing, was it? No.
- It was resentment.
- At being towed in? No.
All the years, that's what I suddenly resented.
All the years without you in them.
- Oh.
- # He doesn't know you've gone away - # And it's raining - This is rather silly, isn't it? - Dancing in a sitting room.
- # Raining in my heart # Yes.
Almost crackers.
- (Jean) It is lovely.
- Yes.
- You still think I'm off my chump, don't you? - (Lionel) Yes, I do, but it's your chump.
Of course, I wish you both every happiness, and, erm, I'm quite prepared to be best man.
Bit of a snag there, old boy.
I've already asked somebody else.
Oh.
Oh, we never said goodbye to Mrs Danv Mrs Bale.
Don't worry about that.
She's probably listening to the shipping forecast.
- Hope the Channel's all right for her.
- No, it never is.
Ah, here's the car.
Yes, goodbye, Mr Hardcastle.
It's been lovely meeting you.
Pleasure's all mine.
I can quite see why Lionel was gaga about you.
- Thank you.
- See you at the wedding, Father.
Oh, rather! I'm thinking of having fireworks.
(Lionel) Oh.
Goodbye.
Goodbye, my dear.
Rock on! - Goodbye, Father.
- Goodbye, my boy.
Now do brighten yourself up and marry the girl, there's a good chap, hm? (# Classical music on radio) You were very quiet on the way home.
- I thought you were quiet on the way home.
- (Radio off) (Lionel chuckles) You're not going to leave that there? Course I am.
It's the most unusual present I've ever been given.
- Yes, I suppose it would be.
- Your first half-century.
- And now I'm going for the second.
- Are you going to take up cricket again? - I was talking of years.
- Oh, no! It was something my father said.
Oh? What did he say? Hello.
How was it? Did you get the nod from Father? - I didn't take her to get the nod from anybody.
- Oh, all right.
Did he take you into his study and ask about your prospects? - You're in one of your silly moods.
- Er, Alistair phoned.
- No wonder you're in a silly mood.
- What did he want? Message for Lionel.
The book launch has been advanced by a week.
- Oh, God.
- No, don't be like that.
- Alistair sounded very positive and very up.
- He's always up, that's the trouble.
Look on the bright side.
Get to dream that the book might sell a couple of copies.
I shall buy one, Mum will buy one.
Two gone before it hits the bookshelves.
A horde of Hollywood producers'll be knocking on that door demanding the film rights.
- It's not my door.
- Now you're splitting hairs.
- Have you two had a row? - (Both) No.
- You don't look very jolly.
- My father provided all the jollity.
Oh, he's a lovely man, Judy.
He's 85 and he's planning to remarry.
- He's asked me to be a bridesmaid.
- You mean matron of honour.
- No, I mean a bridesmaid.
- Ooh, sorry.
- You don't look very excited about the news.
- Excited? The way he goes about life, he's only got two or three years at best.
- All the more reason, grab it while you can! - That's what I thought.
I didn't put it quite like that, though.
I simply don't see the need.
They've been having an affair for the last six years.
- What? - An affair? Yes.
I don't see what you're both giggling about.
It's my father we're talking about.
You straight-laced old thing.
Tell me more later, Mum.
I've got to go.
I am going for a drink with Alistair.
You looked just like parents then.
I am one, remember? Bye.
Be good.
Oh, what am I saying? - Alistair.
- Alistair.
- (Front door closes) - (Jean sighs) Well, I'd better go home, start reading my Bible.
You're in a very Calvinist mood.
No, the guff Alistair gave me - Oh, best read it, then.
I suppose so.
- By the way - Mm? have you ever considered marriage? What? Have you ever considered marriage? Well, I was married once so I must have done.
No, I meant, erm recently.
No.
No, nor have I.
Why bring it up, then? Father said I should brighten myself up and marry you.
- Oh, did he? - Yes.
- I see.
- Parting words.
- And? - And what? Well Are you proposing? - Certainly not.
- Oh, good.
He sees things too simply, that's his trouble.
- What about you? - Oh (Chuckles) I've never seen anything simply.
Do you have an opinion on the subject? - Do you? - I asked first.
Well, I think it's all too late.
Yes.
Too set.
Yes, like old jellies.
Well, I'll be off.
- Cheerio.
- Cheerio.
Too set.
# You must remember this # A kiss is still a kiss # A sigh is just a sigh # The fundamental things apply # As time goes by # And when two lovers woo # They still say I love you # On that you can rely # The world will always welcome lovers # As time goes by #