Avenue 5 (2020) s02e03 Episode Script

1
Iris, trajectory. And make it good news.
Liquid fuel reserves
are insufficient
to correct our course
Then we'll think
of something else, Iris.
Something scientific.
How can so much light
feel so dark?
The sun gave our ancestors life.
The fuck we gonna let it bring us death.
I agree.
- You see that?
- Yeah.
It's my TV show,
and I'm barely even in it. Look.
I agree.
I concur.
I think so too.
- Embrace the fear, always.
- I absolutely agree.
Why does he agree with everything
- that's said to him.
- You hate agreeing.
Exactly! I You know what,
I don't understand this.
Why doesn't Iris go up to them
and tell them about all
the cool shit I do?
Not to be unkind,
but you don't actually do
that much cool shit.
What are you talking about?
The whole time I've known you,
you've done, like,
- maybe one piece of cool shit.
- Which? Uh, you mean, uh
- The time you crushed the soda can.
- crushing the soda can?
Oh, man, that was so badass.
You need to get crushing.
I agree.
Oh, my Go Fifty-seven more eels dead
- overnight.
- Ugh.
God, all that unfulfilled potential.
You think about what they could've been.
Food, Matt. They could have been food.
Hey, there's a dot on the horizon.
I mean, we just avoided one sun.
Are we going for best out of three?
Matt, will you shut your doom hole?
We're trying to suppress those mem
There's a dot.
Is that a good dot or a bad dot?
I bring news. We have a dot.
We know. Is it good? Is it a good dot?
Most likely a military space station.
- It's conga time, folks!
- Ooh-ho!
Oh, my gosh! Intelligent crew members.
They could help us fix the eel tank.
I mean, the guys, I work with,
it's like someone drew eyes on a sock.
- No No offence.
- And new friends!
- Did I say that out loud?
- Yeah.
- Herman Judd on deck!
- Here to crush shit up.
Not now, Judd. We have got
an actual space station.
This is This is hope, right here.
Uh
Bridge crew, set a course
for that space station.
Never mind the speed limit.
You heard the boss.
Let's make human contact.
- New people, people.
- I agree!
Oh, I actually do this time.
Which one is it? It's that one?
Right there.
Stormfalcon.
This is Captain Ryan Clark of Avenue 5.
Our eel tanks are fucked.
Can you help us? Over.
This is Johanna from the Stormfalcon.
What seems to be the problem?
Okay, tell her that the
nanofilters are on the fritz,
- that the tension stat's blown
- Ask if they have any shoe deodorizer.
Will you shut the fuck up? Both of you.
Johanna,
how lovely to hear an English voice.
Uh, listen, I wonder
if we can do this face to face.
I could come over with some
improvised icebreakers,
maybe a tray of home-baked protein.
Copy that. Ready and waiting.
- What's her problem?
- Now, we need a delegation
with the requisite social skills.
I could go.
I'm a virtuostic
conversationalist. Self-taught.
- Billie, Matt, Spike. Let's go.
- Yeah, keep the number small.
Smart. Okay. Away, team!
Stay frosty.
Space marines, tough as fuck
and twice as big.
Hello! Welcome to the Stormfalcon.
- Lovely to see you.
- Hi.
Uh, on behalf of the people of Avenue 5,
we brought flapjack.
Wow, thanks. We love anything
cooked in a rectangle.
A bit too much, some of us.
Come on through.
So, you've gotta ask
for the chief engineer
as soon as possible, so
that we can get straight
Billie! Billie! Yes, let's
Let's do the human stuff first.
Uh, this is our main lounge area.
It gets a bit wild
when the jigsaws are out.
Well, this is, uh, surprising
for a, uh, military facility.
Oh no, actually, we're a science unit.
Military?
I wouldn't fancy my chances
of passing the physical.
God, it's so civilized here.
Avenue 5 is a cultural void.
We have a problem with toddler combat.
That is a bit of an exaggeration.
- Toddler combat?
- Yeah,
kids so starved of stimuli
that they've started
kind of a cage fighting thing
in the soft play area.
It doesn't sound great
when you put it like that.
But there's a lot of adult supervision.
Sometimes crowds of up to 50, 60 people.
I'm gonna come clean.
We are just such huge fans
of the show about you.
- Huh?
- Oh, tha the yes, yes.
"How can so much light feel so dark?"
- Is that one of the the
- Yes.
You you know, um,
one of my favorite lines
that he does is,
"Can you help fix the eel tank?"
Sorry, which one are you
in the in the show?
Oh, Billie. Uh, Billie McEvoy.
Chief science officer.
Really, is that what you are?
- Yes.
- Are you sure?
Because on the show, she has
a much more pleasant energy.
Yeah, that's her.
That's that's her, and I think
Yeah, there she is, too.
No, she can't even
spell "science." Or "eels."
Oh, eels. I think
we can help you with that.
Uh, this is Lyle,
our resident physicist,
freethinker,
and all-around nonconformist.
I find traditional methods
of thought too rigid. Sue me!
Captain, would you care
to stay for supper?
- Bring some plus ones.
- Oh, we really can't
because the eels are actually in cris
Billie, human.
You know, that would be
absolutely delightful.
Well, I could whip up some
calcium phosphate noodles
in the emulsifier.
You should meet Frank. Frank is our you.
Sad eyes. Phenomenal omelets.
Captain, let me show you
some long chain fatty acids
we were looking at the other day.
And obviously you checked
the solenoid valve,
they clog up faster
- than a gas station toilet.
- Yes!
You really do know your stuff.
I mean, God! I miss competence.
Um, I'm a bit of a maverick myself.
Check the old neck warmer.
Friend, that's not a ponytail.
This is a ponytail.
Wow. Spike Martin.
Fifth Canadian on Mars?
Never heard of him.
Yeah, yeah, that's me.
Come on, give me something else,
something better.
Look, I've been riding this
lithium thing for you, bareback.
- I should be on that list!
- Which list?
Time magazine's "50 Most Tragic
Middle Managers"?
Yes to the coffee, no to you.
Look, we've got one last supply shuttle
- before they're out of range
- Why are you still here?
I'm busy.
Right, these windows
aren't gonna lick themselves.
What's wrong?
I can smell fear, and is it burritos?
- What are you hiding?
- All right.
You want in on a little Armageddon.
Fine.
Earth is running out of lithium.
Now you know.
So there'll be no supply shuttle,
there'll be no nothing.
Wait, I saw documentaries
about lithium shortages,
but I thought
they were just documentaries.
Without lithium, you can say
goodbye to banks
and telecoms and computers,
and you can say hello
to wearing untreated animal skins
and wiping your ass with leaves.
I am not saying hello to that.
Or shaking your hand.
Fuck it, maybe I'll get
on that last shuttle.
Who can blame you?
This must be exhausting for you.
See!
Maybe, you just need to rest.
Ass to the left.
All right, I'm platituded out.
And I drugged your coffee.
- Is it?
- Hmm.
Yeah.
And there he goes.
Leaving on shuttle, immediately.
Standard meal, non-insectoid.
Meet some of our finest
and most available.
This is, uh, this is Frank.
- Hello.
- Frank has a cookery show
on our ship, called
what's it called, Frank?
Leave It Alone, is it?
- Let It Settle.
- Let It Settle.
Live from the Frank Tank.
What what kind of cuisine?
Tell us about the cuisine, Frank.
Uh, it's high flavor, low voltage.
I use only hotel cabin appliances,
and love.
Oh, that's what you do with your love.
Okay, um, we just lost another eel.
Eel Patrick Harris is dead.
Oh, no. He was great.
- I love your earrings.
- Great earrings.
Frank is the genius. I'm barely here.
It's just Frank Kelly
and His Invisible Wife.
So you can move on.
Unbelievable.
The attitude on that bitch.
Attitude.
Okay, I'm panicking.
I know I said
I wanted to meet new people,
but I'm really not very good at this.
Okay, deep breaths.
- Easy, tiger.
- This is Rav.
- Good to meet you.
- Hello to you.
Oh, I like your hands. Um
Left and right, classic.
Yes. Yes, thank you.
Rav, for fuck's sake,
get your chap sorted.
Sorry. Sorry.
How would you rate Judd on the TV show?
Judd. The owner of the ship.
Herman Judd. "I agree."
Oh, the agreement guy.
He doesn't really add very much.
Hmm. Yeah. And you do? Hmm.
If anything, you subtract.
You know, I get into a bit of a pickle
and then I feel hyper self-conscious
- about everything that I say.
- Rav, the key to small talk
is pretending that you have
no sexuality and no aggression.
Okay? Ready? Oh, here we go.
- Hi.
- Hi, hi.
Can we say that anymore?
God knows what we can say
these days, right?
What do you want?
Okay, people. If you could all
please take off your shoes
and take one of the pairs
of moccasins provided.
Would it be okay if I keep mine on?
I've got a bit of a cavus foot.
So I need these orthotic inserts.
Right, yeah, he needs a rigid sole
to support his high arches.
- Right, Captain?
- Yes. That's That's right.
Uh, but if you have a clog
or Japanese water sandals?
Soft-soled shoes are the best practice.
Paula.
You will be fine in your socks, Captain.
Everyone else! If you wouldn't mind.
Good call.
Oh, and that "collision course
for the sun" episode,
it was so dramatic, I clenched so hard,
- I shattered a rear molar.
- Did you? Really? Well
You know, I actually didn't see
that episode
because I was too busy watching
our eels suffocate to death.
- Okay, okay.
- Yeah, dumpling,
we really should do something
about the eels.
- Dumpling?
- Honey,
do we need to talk
about this "Ryan" thing?
I know, I know.
Oh, sure. And let's tell our new friends
that you kept me locked
in a cabin for six months.
Okay, now that you mention it,
yes, there's big tension
- between you and Ryan.
- Thank you.
- No, our eels are fucking dying!
- All right, all right. Johanna
You know what I miss most of all?
- My dogs.
- Dogs?
I love dogs, you have dogs?
- I have beagles.
- No!
And I have photos.
She has beagles, let me see.
Ooh. You're not gonna see that one.
Oh, my God, look at his little nose.
Oh, my God. I bet it tastes like cake.
He looks like a right laugh.
I want to own my own kennel,
like, one day.
Just have a buttload of dogs.
So many dogs that the local kids go,
"Oh, look, there's that stinky
old dog lady! Get her!"
I'd love that.
How did I get dumped at the Judas end
of The Last Supper, huh?
Uh, hey, Ryan. Hey, Ryan.
Hey, Ryan. Hey!
So, what are you guys
talking about down there?
We're talking about dogs.
Dog, doggos.
You know, uh, when you see
dogs running in their dreams
they're not, they're drumming.
I read that.
So, anyway, you add just like a soupcon
of polyvinyl rubbing alcohol
just just to give it
a nuttier finish.
We should do a show on the ship.
Trade recipes.
What do you think, dumpling?
Have we met before?
Uh, no, I don't think so.
Um, Nathan Basic.
I've I've got
an aggressively generic face.
I promise I'll bring him back
in one piece.
Oh, sure, be his guest. Like I was.
Oh, Frank's leaving. Hey, Frank,
mind if I get in on that action?
So, I'm leaving on the shuttle.
Yeah, I am confirming it.
This is me confirming it.
What's your name?
Do you want to be confirmed?
Because I will fucking confirm you.
Thank you. Have a nice life, Shelly.
Let's go.
- Actually, it's automatic.
- Just hit go.
Okay, it's a little more complex
than that.
Go.
Smooth jazz. Rough coffee.
Fieldstrip a macerator pump.
Perfect Sunday. Let me top you up.
This guy, seriously. He's so wise.
Buddy, is this true love?
Have you finally found your hair-mate?
I've found my people.
Listen, brace yourself,
I'm leaving Avenue 5.
Sure. Um, can you
hand me the wine? Mm-hmm.
Thanks.
Dumpling, how's your reflux?
He tends to bloat after evening meals.
I do n Karen, my enzymes
are none of your business.
Sometimes, I just wanna
put him across my knee
and burp him like a baby.
Oh, Christ.
Um, listen
you may have noticed
a certain crackle in the air
between me and the captain?
Oh, no, no, I haven't noticed anything.
No, you have. It's been overpowering
and it's ruined the whole evening.
I literally haven't noticed anything.
I'd like to respectfully disagree.
Okay.
Paula, can I just tell you,
I really admire your stoicism.
'Cause you guys are all stoic as fuck.
Like like the, uh, moccasins thing.
The way you all go along with it.
Oh, we're all very happy to oblige.
- Uh, Rav, would you like to
- Um
Yeah, I mean, it makes sense
with, uh, you know, cutting down the
wear and tear of carpets.
Uh, no, no, I don't even think
it's really about the
the the carpeting, right?
Johanna bangs these plates together,
everyone takes their shoes off.
It's, like, uh, Pavlovian.
Let's keep it light, Matt.
This is a chat, not a show trial.
Are are you saying
this isn't about the carpets?
That it's, what,
some coercive control thing?
Yeah.
Shall we bring out
the thermophilic cheese cultures?
Hear that, enzymes? Red alert.
Here it comes.
Yes. Okay.
Come, come, come. Come on.
Now, we're recording
for primetime tonight.
It's not late night,
so please don't curse
or handle the meat at waist level.
This is a great cabin, by the way.
So much better than my hovel.
Yeah, we based the design
on a dream that I had
- when I was a
- Okay, and we're rolling.
On today's edition,
we have a very special guest,
Mr. Nathan Basic.
There's the camera, Nathan. Yep.
And we are going to be making venison
in a travel kettle.
What a great recipe.
Does Nathan Basic look familiar to you?
Who?
It's saying "classified."
Ooh, I love a mystery.
Have you tried, uh,
putting in the passcode?
No.
So, can you tell me
about the real Captain Ryan?
He's not so much a person
as a puzzle you have to crack.
He is as playful as a seal.
Shit me a houseboat.
So, Nathan, what is
your basic approach to food?
Ha ha, good one!
Well, I like to use
the whole carcass, Frank.
You know, nose to toes.
I mean, why why waste
all that good flesh?
Totally agree with that.
If a chicken dies of a stroke,
do you toss it away?
No, you don't.
You stuff it and you roast it.
So why do we treat our family
any differently?
Totally agree. Wait, what?
Are we talking about people here?
Well, it's a difficult conversation.
I've been thinking, and I'd like to try
wearing my outdoor shoes
in the mess hall.
Sure. Where's this coming from, please?
Uh Ryan, quick update.
This is a space prison.
Repeat, a space prison.
- What? What is What? What?
- It's black ops.
These are people considered
too dangerous
to be housed on Earth.
What? Are you sure?
They have a selection of cheeses.
Mm-hmm.
Listen to me. We've been over this
a thousand fucking times, Paula.
It is a low-density pile,
so sit down and shut up.
- Oh
- Oh, God.
Ryan. Ryan.
- Ryan!
- Sorry, I'm just internalizing
a lot of panic and fear right now.
Yeah.
But now I've done that,
and I'm back in the room.
Okay. Good. Read.
"Octuple homicide,
with an ice cream scoop."
"Wore his mother's wedding dress
and her head."
Yep, yep, yep.
"Buried them under the funfair."
"Stole their feet."
Swipe, there's photos. Photos.
- Oh!
- Hmm.
My eyes have just shat themselves.
Oh, boy.
Well, I I think I might, uh
wear some of those moccasins after all.
Good idea. I will cover for you.
So
- Uh, Karen.
- Guys.
- Excuse me.
- Guys.
Listen, I'm gonna
tell you something now,
and it's very important
that they don't know
what it is that I'm telling you.
All right, so
so when I wink
I need you to laugh, understood?
- Mm-hmm.
- I've just been informed
that we are
get get ready to laugh
surrounded by ready to laugh
dozens of convicted psychopaths.
Wait, what? I don't get it.
Was that a joke or
No, that's No.
Uh, you're supposed to laugh
so they don't know
what I've just told you.
The guy that Frank just left with
is the Denver Cannibal.
He ate 19 people.
They found 36 thumbs in his basement.
Oh, my God,
Frank is petrified of cannibals.
- That's 38.
- What?
- What?
- Nineteen people,
that'd be 38 thumbs. You said 36.
I don't know! I can't do
the fucking thumb arithmetic.
Well, he might've used the last two
as, uh, like wine stoppers.
Okay, Sally, that nice lady over there.
No, don't look. She bludgeoned
her mother to death
- with her father.
- She bludgeoned a parent
- with another parent?
- Yes, yes.
Okay, well, at least they died
in each other's arms.
And who are we to condemn the butterfly
for the crimes of the caterpillar?
Uh, Johanna killed and raped
her nine beagles.
Okay, fuck that.
We need to leave.
Hold on, because she told me
she groomed them.
Extraction plan.
Shoes on and then very slowly
move towards the door
without aggravating the psychopaths.
Okay, good.
- Right? Right?
- Yeah.
You should see the commode.
Got more bells and whistles
than a fairground.
Spike, the ship is full of murderers.
- We're fucking off.
- You mean Lyle?
- Lyle's not a murderer.
- What So I chose a good one?
He's a pedophile.
I I I need to bathe in bleach.
Shit, they've taken our shoes
so we can't get away.
I can't get the image of those
little doggies out of my mind.
And there she is, standing over them
with lubricant and a brick.
Billie, Billie, shoes, shoes, come on.
Going somewhere, Captain?
We were just stoning some plums.
Oh, that sounds
That's Uh, yes.
But I need to use the bathroom
and it's it's better if I use my own.
- He's very regular.
- That's You see?
- I can honestly set my watch.
- All right, Karen. Just
Thank you. So, if we could
have our shoes
Uh, mine are the old fashioned
running shoes
for sentimental value.
- Sentimental value.
- What?
You're just rude.
- You're a very, very rude man.
- Oh, boy.
Ooh, I don't think we're
getting our shoes back.
Mine were quite expensive.
Uh, don't run but run.
Enjoy the flapjack!
You want to be careful to avoid fusing
the venison with the element.
Or take cremation.
We already cook people.
Yet what do we do with that meal?
- We throw it in the bin.
- I mean, I guess I can see
how you might end up eating a corpse.
Frank,
sorry to interrupt your camera bit.
The guy on your show
is the Denver Cannibal.
- Right
- He killed and ate
a butt ton of people.
Blink twice if you understand.
That was three times, but no judgement.
Ah, look at that. Ah. Corpses. Yes.
And so we just pop it in.
Turn the kettle on. Bang!
Venison à la kettle. Butt ton.
Good night, everybody. Thank you.
Uh, please, Mr. Judd, if you
could walk our guest out.
- What?
- Thank you.
All right. Uh, that door,
the only one you can go out.
- Follow all the J's.
- I'll I'll figure it out.
But think about it.
You've got a chance to be
on the right side of history here.
Oh, my God. Okay. We
We have to delete everything
that has to do with that. Everything.
- Utterly horrible.
- Oh, my I feel sick.
They have ruined people for me.
Yeah, let's not do people ever,
ever again.
Sure. But all in all, good visit?
Lovely location.
Shame about the gore-mongers.
But, yeah, zero out of ten,
could not recommend.
Unless, guys,
I mean, the eel tank
still needs to be fixed
and there is Spike's friend
If anything, he was a friend
of a friend.
Billie, are you suggesting
that we allow a pedophile on board ship
- to fix our eel tank?
- No!
That, of course, is madness.
- Brackets, is it, though?
- Yes.
Brackets, fuck yes.
Okay, I'm sorry to
always be the corporate stiff,
but I cannot allow a sexual predator
to roam free among vacationing families.
I'm a libertarian, but there's a line.
Okay, so we don't let them roam freely.
We engineer like a hamster run
from the airlock,
directly to the eel tank.
What if the predator punctures
this hamster run?
You know, he could have a blade
concealed in his mud pipe.
- Then we're leaking pedo.
- Very good point.
A ball!
A ball!
We put the sexual predator
inside of an inflatable ball.
And then put the ball inside the tube.
Now you're crushing it.
A pipe and a ball!
You're essentially creating
a theme park attraction for a pervert.
Okay, look, we all have qualms
about this,
but we can't eat qualms.
We need the eels.
Great! Death or pedo? Sounds like fun.
Obviously, I do not want
this on my record,
but release the pedophile.
- Hamster's on the move.
- Copy that.
All right, Mads,
unzip the nonce-o-sphere.
I mean, I imagined it would be bigger
and filled with straw
and I would've put him
on a leash, but it's good.
Thank you.
I have done what a judge would not,
I freed the pedo.
All right, sir. We want you to commence
mending the eel tanks.
We're gonna stand back here
offering encouraging comments
without in any way condoning
your prior actions.
I'm done with judging.
Vacationing families,
atmosphere of dread,
predator with good teeth.
It's like psychosexual Jaws.
We'll laugh about this one day,
as we're being led away to
our deaths by lethal injection.
Can I just say, I find this whole thing
morally revolting.
And yet you brought snacks.
Can I get a glass of water, please?
The nonce is requesting liquids.
No! We should not be hydrating
a fiddle-man.
Shall I tell him to drink
his own tainted piss?
I guess we can get him room service,
but he's gonna have to pay.
Oh, my gosh.
We're back online. He did it.
For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
No, no, no, no. No! He No.
He actually isn't.
- Sorry.
- Thank you, sir.
- A qualified thanks.
- Mm-hmm.
Now, back in your ball.
You said I could come live
with you if I fixed the tank.
Come on, that was obviously a lie.
- You promised.
- Promises are for suckers.
- Sucker!
- Okay, then,
how about you suck on this?
Oh, no, no, no. Listen!
- Lyle!
- Lyle, Lyle! Lyle! Lyle!
We can definitely come to some sort
Oh, look, your water.
All the way. All the way. All the way.
That's why you gotta put him on a leash!
Zip him up. Zip him up.
Get the pump! Get the pump!
I have it.
- Mads! Inflate the deviant.
- Ow! Ow!
Thank you for your service,
we'll remember you complexly.
It's okay, dumpling,
I'm right here. It's okay.
I don't wanna go back!
Strangle him!
Where's the leg? Where's the thumb?
Okay, get him out of here.
- Go on, get out of here.
- Get out of here.
- I'll be good!
- Come on, Mads!
It looks so funny.
Try to get the hammer in his head!
- It's time to go.
- Ow! You motherfucking kicked me.
Come on, let him have it.
Let him have it.
God, stop!
I did this! This was my idea.
I hope you get eaten!
Thank you for fixing the tank.
Captain, please, if I can just explain.
Hey, Johanna! Fuck you!
And fuck your moccasins!
I'm a good person. I can love.
Don't forget your baking tray.
Fuck you!
It's good that you're talking this out.
Wow.
Boy, I'd hate to be a fly on that wall.
The only man capable
of fixing the eel tank
is carrying a dangerous disease.
Okay, so we use the pipe
to get him from the airlock.
- And what if he escapes?
- Hang on!
Wait for it.
What if we put him inside
a big plastic ball?
I totally agree.
Fuck, yeah!
- Hologram tech, baby.
- This is a game changer.
Seriously,
I don't even recognize the game.
Decisions!
God, it feels good
to finally get one right.
Ryan, the ship's smart sensor
is showing we have a stowaway.
- A what?
- Frank's cannibal
is still on board.
Oh, take me to hell and toast my tits.
Now, this is a teachable moment.
You were so focused on the pedo,
you forgot all about the cannibal.
Tale as old as time.
So, I bring tools for the eel tank.
What I miss?