Beaver Falls (2011) s02e03 Episode Script

1 This is strictly whatever the opposite of platonic is.
- We're like an old married couple.
- No, no, no! We're not a couple.
So, this doesn't change anything? No.
I'm sorry if you still have feelings for me.
Oh, my God! You are such a shit stirrer! Let's move! I can't hear you! What? You can't trust Hope.
Wow! You are a great kisser.
Rachael! I just heard you're no longer camp guidance counsellor.
You do know I've never had a proper girlfriend? I know.
And I don't care.
Let me give you Boyfriend 101.
I used to be cool.
Now I'm just pouncing on nerds! Bobby! Since last summer, I've been to therapy, and I am making some great big steps.
God! It is so good to be back.
It's cold.
It's wet.
It's miserable.
I mean, I love England.
But here Here is something else.
I've got the sun, I've got me mates with me, I've got you.
My life couldn't be better.
Are you sure it couldn't get any better? Cos I could definitely think of something.
Give me a minute.
OK.
Morris? It's Maurice.
What the hell happened?! I happened.
Jake! Stay back, man! I'm warning you! Shit! Jake, I'm sorry.
I had to.
That's OK, Barry.
Kimberley, careful! It's Jake.
He's Oh, bollocks! She's the same as me, Barry.
Morning.
Thank you for not being undead.
Thank you for sucking at video games.
I've corrupted you, you know.
You'd never have gone near one of those things when we first met.
Hold that thought.
And do not die.
OK.
Shit! I've got to get ready.
My dad's paying a surprise visit.
When does he get here? He's already arrived.
Captain Murphy! At ease, soldier.
Didn't realise you'd scheduled a visit this year.
Kimberley hadn't mentioned it.
Because I didn't want her to know in advance.
It's easier that way.
She's at that difficult age.
The old sneak attack, huh? Shoot in under cover of darkness, and bam! Next thing, Charlie knows it's all beans and mother-lovers for breakfast! Yeah.
So, how's she been? I mean, I know me and her mother splitting has been kind of tough on her.
She's been fine.
Reassuring to know she has a strong, stabilising influence here.
I do my best.
I meant her boyfriend.
Permission to speak freely, Sir? Granted.
He's a bone-headed moron, a slack-jawed, drooling numbnut of terrifying proportions.
You check that attitude into the door, soldier! If anything, he reminds me of myself at that age.
This country could do with more men like him.
Meeting the parents.
That's the big one.
And I'm all hungover and my hair's doing that weird thing.
It's OK.
You don't have to.
Really? Wait, is this a trap? You know, I agree with you and then you get all mad at me? No, it's not a trap.
I think my dad's found out I've dropped out of college.
And considering I kept cashing his cheques Ah! Yeah.
Probably facing a major ass-whooping, so better if I fly solo on this one.
OK? OK.
OK.
Morning.
If this was 'Nam, you'd be dead.
Dad.
Kimbo.
Bet you hate me right now, huh? Surprise visit and all.
Wouldn't be you if you did things the easy way.
Eye's front.
Good morning, Beaver Falls.
Jesus H Christ, Elvis Aaron Presley and the Notorious BIG.
What do they have in common? They all died under the age of 50.
But you know who didn't? My beloved wife, Pam, who today hits that glorious milestone! You have got to be kidding me! Let's hear it for Pam.
50 and still going strong! I am not 50! That's right.
She's not 50! She's All over again.
For she's a jolly good fellow For she's a jolly good fellow For she's a jolly good fellow And so say all of us And so say all of us And so say all of us Looks like Dad's really got his game face on.
It's a good choice, too.
It'stotallyher weak spot.
It's a bit childish.
Oh, she deserves it.
And so say all of us.
Wooo! Yeah! Er, guys, shouldn't you be doing something? Shouldn't you? Good point.
We're mourning our loss.
Lads! Thurston didn't die.
He just went home.
There's legions of jocks out there.
And only three of us left.
Man, we easy meat.
See, the jocks loved picking on Thurston.
He was like the deflector shield to our Millennium Falcon.
Now he's gone.
You've got me and A-Rab.
Flynn.
Haven't you, eh? We'll watch your back.
Don't pretend you care about us.
You only care about following that lifeguard around.
Yeah! How comes you're not humping her leg right now? She went to go meet her dad.
Without you? Yeah.
Without me.
What? Come on, man.
Wake up and smell the bananas! She didn't take you to meet her old man cos she'sembarrassedby you.
Why would she be embarrassed byme? What? So, how's Jake? Jake? Yeah.
Good.
Has he made up his mind about enlisting yet? We could do with a man like him to help kick the butt of Johnny al-Qaeda.
We haven't really discussed it.
Speaking of which, why are you here? Is there some kind of, er problem? No, no! Nothing major.
Just something I wanted to discuss.
We could do it over dinner.
Invite Jake.
Be great to see him again.
He probably has plans or something.
Well, then, you tell him it's a direct order, Private! Happy Birthday, by the way.
Seriously? No, I mean it.
You know, it's your birthday.
So, have a good one.
Thank you.
I've been avoiding you.
Yeah.
I kind of got that.
It's not because of your illness.
I know you probably don't want to talk about it, and I'm not the gushy type, but if you did need to speak to someone, I'm I know.
It's all right, thanks.
It's just now that Lori's bought the camp, I've got to keep my eye on the prize.
It was fun though, right? Yeah, it was.
There's no way Pam's 50.
Course she's not.
She's not even close.
Feel bad for her.
Bobby's just pushed this whole birthday thing to piss her off.
Maybe you could cheer her up, you know? In your own special way, like last summer.
That's in the past and staying there.
PJ knows nothing about it, so zip it.
If you lads need any advice on your lady friends, just, you know I'm happy to help.
Wooo! Kim! Over here! I'm not saying I've got the relationship thing totally worked out, but I've totally got it worked out.
Sure you do! Maybe we should keep moving.
Pleased to meet you, Sir.
See where Kimberley gets her looks from.
That line probably works better on mums.
Dad, this is, umm A-Rab, Flynn and Barry, my co-workers.
So, it's hello and goodbye.
Just wanted to say that your daughter's a really special girl.
A real credit to your, umm Don't say loins! .
.
loins.
.
.
loins.
Dad, I need to get back to work.
We'll talk tonight, OK? Sure.
Sure.
See you later, Sir.
I mean, I'd love to spend all day with you, Dad, but, you know She's ashamed of me.
I mean, you only complemented her father on how pretty he is and how wonderful his crotch must be.
Maybe she's got her reasons.
You know, maybe she doesn't think you're serious about her.
I don't know.
Maybe she knows your reputation.
Maybe she's got issues of her own.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Five second rule in effect.
What?! Mate, whenever you give advice, it takes five seconds for it to be all about you and your problems.
That was abouthim,not me! Yeah! She said it was about dropping out of college, but that's no reason for her not to introduce me.
Probably screwed up.
I shouldn't have moaned.
I should've insisted that I went with her.
Itwasa trap.
Wait a minute.
Your girlfriend, who we're not even allowed to call that, won't admit you're together, and yours is pretending you're a total stranger.
Now, I'm not saying I've got this whole relationship thing figured out, but I've totally got it figured out.
I just need to catch up with her and apologise, you know? Be really enthusiastic.
Super enthusiastic! You look like a serial killer! Ow! What the hell?! Shit! Sorry, I thought you were the door.
Is Kimberley there at all? No, asshole! Right.
Well, I'll just wait inside, then, shall I? Hello! Skins.
Skins, skins, skins.
OK.
OK.
I'm going to close my eyes, and when I open them, you are not going to be a positive pregnancy test! One two Oh, fuck! Ready for an encore? We should be getting out there Oh, what is that smell? Is thatrepression? No, No, No! No, No! All that stuff about British blokes being sexually hung up is you know, it's bollocks.
Really? You guys are so famous for being inhibited, it's actually athing? Wow, that explains a lot! No, we're not.
Mmm-hmm.
I'm not.
- Right.
Fine.
- All rightyeah.
What about that? Is that repressed? Huh, is that repressed? Wooh! Yeah! Yeah! - Woooo! - Yeah! Is that repressed? Huh? Oh, shit! Oh, God! Sorry that'smy fault.
No, I just didn't think that you'd still be doing whatever it is that you're doing.
We'll be out soon.
Wellsoonish.
Sorry, I know we've been using it a lot lately.
But, you know, if you and Mac ever want to use it for some privacy, just say the word! No, it's fine.
Oh, God.
That doesn't sound good.
Do you want to talk about it? No, I just meanit's fine.
OK.
Bye! Awk-ward! High five! You can't use your hands in soccer! I saw you pick the ball up earlier! Hey.
Hey.
Have you seen A-rab? I'm not sure I'm getting the subtle details of this sport.
Yeah.
I saw him.
All of him.
Him and Hope are in my cabin.
The two of them are bakingcookies.
A big pile of cookies.
I think they've been baking all morning.
Well, they've just started, uh cooking together.
You know how it is in the beginning.
You want to bake all the time.
You know, it'd be nice if we could use the kitchen sometimes.
It has been a while.
I just think, you know, we've got the culinary skills, we might as well use them.
Get together later and bake a big box of cookies.
Sure, sounds good.
OK.
He's taking this quite well.
Absolutely.
I'm impressed.
My life is over! Such a mature, considered reaction.
Yeah.
He's got the whole foetal position and the whimper do I detect a bit of thumb? Laugh it up, fuzzballs! Facts are facts! She's pregnant! - I'm going to be a dad! - It might not be yours.
I mean, it might not be Kimberley's test.
You know how girls like to share everything.
It was inherdrawer, Flynn.
Beneathherstuff.
It's not PJ's.
No, it's Kimberley's.
It's mine! Well, go and talk to her.
Show her you can be a grown up.
You wanted to show her how serious you were about the two of you.
Yeah, but that was then, before the What else you going to do? Run? That would be a bad thing, right? No, no, no.
That would be great.
You run away and leave her to deal with everything.
Start a new life under an assumed name.
Genius! It's just, this is my first proper girlfriend and I reallyI really like her, but I'm just a big fucking kid! You know, I love toys, computer games.
I thought Transformers was a good movie.
Even the sequels? Especially the sequels.
The last one didn't make sense.
Why did the Autobots pretend to leave Earth? The Decepticons had to think they were dead.
But that allowed the Decepticons to kill thousands of people.
But Optimus Prime said that the human beings had to realise that they needed the Autobots, and it gave them the element of surprise! Guysguys, guys, GUYS! We're going a bit off-topic.
Barry, just go and speak to her.
Trust me.
God, that's probably why she didn't want me to meet her dad.
Had nothing to do with collegeno! She was going to tell him about our b - .
.
about our baby.
- Baby, yes.
I really have to discuss this with her.
Yesyes! Yes? Yes.
Why are you pretending to your dad that you're still with Jake? Because I haven't told him that I've dropped out of college.
Oh, so you think that alone is bad enough, but throw new boyfriend, Barry, into the mix You really care about impressing him, huh? You know what I think? I think, fuck it! It's nobody else's business what you do.
You should just tell him the truth.
Sure.
Just like you do.
Telling your mom and your dad and everyone else about you and Flynn Oh, it's very funny! No, I see what you did there.
- It's really good.
- Oh, thanks.
He hasn't even told me why he's here.
You OK? Yeah, I I just feel like someone's watching us.
Is it really? It can't be! Comrades, our prayers have been answered! Hello campers! I trust you are all having a wonderful Pamela Day.
I know I am! 'On a day like today, you can just let all your worries slip away! 'And remember, if you see Pam, 'be sure to wish her a happy birthday.
'Our special girl can't hear it enough times!' Happy Birthday Pam! Happy birthday! Hey, Pam, happy birthday! 'And don't forget, not long till Pam's Big Birthday Bash! 'And now, a golden oldie for my lovely wife, 'which will take her way, way, way back, 'to her younger days.
' - # You make me feel so young # - It's not that funny.
It is to me! Right now, Mom'll be about to burst a blood vessel! When did you become such a spoilt brat? When did you start giving a shit? I just hate her birthdays, OK? She always used to make me dress up like some stupid Barbie.
You've had such a hard life, PJ! When I was sixteen.
I said, "Fine, I'll wear the goddamn dress.
" So I'm upstairs getting ready, and Kenny, my boyfriend at the time, drops round.
Mom shows him in, and she fixes him a drink.
And by the time I got downstairs, she was making out with him on the couch.
I'm standing there, looking like a fucking idiot, in this hideous dress.
And you know what she said to me? What did she say? She said I can't believe that you were buying this Hallmark Movie of the Week bullshit! Come on! For one lovely moment, I thought you were being straight with me.
Aw! Cry me a river.
You spend so much of your time trying to convince people you don't give a shit about your parents, about me, about anything! You know what? I'm convinced.
You win.
Good! Mission accomplished! I'm so glad we kept this whole thingcasual.
Now I don't have to stand here and put up your with your bullshit any more.
Have a nice day.
And every time I see you grin I'm such a happy individual It's all about angles.
Down, togetherperfect! You'll be hitting homers before the summer's through.
Kim! Hey, listen, I heard this rumour that the Captain's in town.
Is that.
.
? Yeah, he actually invited you to join us at dinner tonight.
OK.
He doesn't know that we split? Ahno.
How about you dropping out of college? I sort of keep him on a need to know basis.
Sounds like you could use some back up.
So, yeah.
Dinner sounds good.
Oh, I sort of didn't mean that as an invitation.
What is it? The beard and the hair, right? Well, I will have you know that I have the electric shaver charging up as we speak.
Besides, kinda starting to forget what my chin looks like.
Well, actually, yeah.
It would be good if you'd join us at dinner.
Take some of the heat off of me.
Probably best not to mention it to, uh Barry? Sure, I get it.
He's a cool guy and everything, but he's not exactly the Captain's type.
So, yeah, don't sweat it.
You can depend on me.
Finally, a little privacy! No, wait, what are we doing here? Weare having hot, steamy, marital relations.
In the middle of the day? I've got my bunk waiting to go water-skiing! When else are we going to have time? What do you think I brought you here for? - To show you my awesome new job cleaning dishes? - I dunno I just wasn't thinking about getting hot and steamy.
You're a man.
You should be thinking about it every seven seconds.
Howaboutnow? Uhyeah.
Now I am.
You must just have caught me off-guard in that seven second window.
Hope! What are you doing here? Oops! Hey, Mac! Hey.
How's it going? "How's it going?" Are you kidding me? Super sorry! I had no idea that you guys would be getting it on in the kitchen.
In the middle of the day.
With the door unlocked.
Yeah, me neither.
Well, it's good to see you guys have got it simmering again, Rachael! OK, I'll go.
Sorry! No, it's cool.
It's far from cool.
Just Fuck off? Yes! That.
Thank you.
Rachael! No.
It's fine! Just consider me fucked off! I just meant, "Don't worry about it.
It's no big deal.
" It is a big deal.
We never get any time alone.
You should think that this is a big deal.
She didn't barge in on purpose.
You don't know her.
I think she did.
You don't know her either.
You've only known her a few weeks.
Give her a chance.
It's not easy with you sniping at her all the time.
She's harmless.
A little goofy, but in a fun way.
Oh, well, I'm glad thatshe'sfun.
Oh, no, come on You know, you go enjoy your water-skiing.
I have dishes to scour.
Yay me! Yes! Oh! OhI got Ow! I think we've a championship winning team shaping up here! Am I right? Hey, thanks, man.
All right.
One more.
But this time, home run.
I'll show you how to do it.
I know what's going on.
Oh, no, it's notwe're just friends.
That's all.
Friends.
It's nothing to worry about No, no, not that.
It's OK.
I know.
Know what? I was in your bunk earlier and I was sort of looking for skins andI found it.
Found what? The baby thing.
The pregnancy test.
Barry Is it mine? What? It's just that you didn't tell me about it.
I had to find out myself.
Wait.
Let me get this straight.
You think I'm pregnant, and the first question you ask me is, is it yours? Yes, Barry.
It's yours.
You're going to be a father.
Now fuck off and leave me alone.
Kim! Leave me alone! - Ow! - Yeah, that's perfect! Getting older sucks.
You guys have no idea how much.
Honestly, I envy you.
What happened? Shut the fuck up, man! What happened? Life happened.
We asked one hundred people the stupidest thing someone can say to their girlfriend when they find out she's pregnant Can we not focus on how much of an arse I am, and look at the bigger picture? Once I was carefree, and now the weight of the world is crashing down upon me.
I can't raise a kid.
I don't have a job, I don't have any cash.
Welllook at me.
I'm Barry.
I'm hungry.
Dude! Yeah.
Me too.
Wait Thurston? Oh, man! Your grief is totally messing with your mind! Yeah, you know Thurston went home! Move aside.
We can't.
Umthe jocks They superglued us to the ground.
Move! Oh! He couldn't handle life on the outside! Guys, Bobby is going to go apeshit if he finds out.
He's gonna kick my arse out of here if he knows I've been harbouring a fugitive.
And then I'll never see my unborn child.
Mind you, the ways things are going, I'll probably never see it anyway or Kim.
Doesn't matter.
Either way, I sort of have to report this.
Oh, come on! Please don't tell on me! I don't want to go home! Look, we're not letting Thurston down.
If he goes, we all go.
Look at you all.
You wouldn't give up on him.
You've got the courage of your convictions.
I salute you.
You're better men than I could ever be.
Hey! Brings us back some food! Our boy is starving here! Mac! Hope will be very upset if she finds out we're doing something sinful in her office.
Better hurry up then! Whoa, wait.
Just Hi! What is this, an intervention? No, no, no.
I just thought it would be fun for the four of us to have a drink before the party.
That's all.
And Hope thought so too.
She just wants to get to know you.
I spend enough time with her as it is.
Yeah, but that's work stuff.
This is different.
Hey, did you ever see that movie The Fox and The Hound? No.
Oh, well, they're meant to be enemies, because that's their job.
But they actually become really good friends.
Or maybe one of them kills the other one.
I don't remember.
It's ages since I saw it.
Anyway, what I'm trying to tell you is Yeah, I kinda got the message.
.
.
that you're a total fox.
Oh! Wellthank you.
So come on.
It's just a drink.
It'll be OK.
This is a wack plan! There's a party.
There's food.
We can feed our boy to his heart's content.
This is a great plan! Two reasons why it sucks.
One, it's not fucking Halloween.
And two, it's not fucking Halloween! You didn't complain when I dressed you up like a pirate.
Couldn't we have just, you know, have brought food back to the bunk for Thurston? No.
My plan's better.
Here we go! A-Rab has to say something nice to Rachael! And it better be good, otherwise, it's shot-o'clock! Uh, she's .
.
American.
Lame answer, buddy! Yeah, dr-ink! You guys used to date.
So you probably have plenty of sweet things to say about her.
This game is stupid.
No, it's OK, come on.
She's a great dancer, or she does a mean Schwarzenegger impression.
Orshe's hot in the sack.
No.
What? She's not? No, I meanhow would I know? You know we didn't uh No way! You guysnot even once? We don't have to discuss my sex life, thank you! I'm sorry.
I really didn't mean to offend you.
It's just knowing A-Rab like I do that just really surprises me.
It wasn't like, you know, I didn'twant to.
I mean, there were feelings.
Big feelings.
Huh Or small ones.
You know, I mean, it was ages ago.
I mean who remembers this stuff?! We just, erdidn't.
Whose go is it? Well, I think it's a really good answer.
Because A-Rab's basically saying that you're a pure and virtuous woman.
And I'll drink to that.
What do you want? Some of what you're hiding behind your back.
Just don't mention my damn birthday.
You're sitting in my thinking spot.
And what do you have to think about? I have to grow up and be a man for Kimberley and Yeah.
When I said, "What do you have to think about?" I actually meant, "Shut up and stop talking".
I'm not 50.
I'm not even close.
But I'm scared of turning 50, and Bobby knows that.
So he's making my birthday a personal hell day.
Well, just sitting here and getting stoned just means he's won.
What do you think I should do? Show up at the party? Big smile? Yeah.
It's your party.
Fuck it, if it's for the wrong reasons.
Bobby deals you lemons, make lemonade.
The happier you are, the more miserable he'll be.
Thanks! Wait, it's your turn now.
I just gave you the big, inspirational speech.
Now you have to do the same for me.
That's the rules.
Ooh You're out of shape, Barry.
I bet you like to watch a lot of movies, right? So in this one, the geek got the prom queen.
Well, yeah.
Although I like to think of myself as more of a hipster than a geek.
So what do you think happens after the credits roll? Do you really think the prom queen stays happy with her choice? That the geek's goofy charm doesn't wear thin? That the jock stays out the picture and doesn't come back bigger and stronger for the sequel? You need to up your game if you want to hang onto her.
I think I really fucked up though.
Then go fix it while you've still got the chance.
Nice one! Thanks! Hey! Can't leave now! Pam's party's about to start.
It's just for dinner.
We have cake! And nibbles! And sausage things! She'd be heartbroken if you ducked out of her party.
You have to be there! We have reservations.
Cancel 'em! This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Say yes! Go on! Yes! Go on! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! OK, we hear you loud and clear, Bobby.
We'll rendezvous at the party later.
Dad, I thought you wanted to talk.
OK, so I panicked before.
But now the panic is over.
Not now! I'm happy that you're pregnant.
And I am going to be the best dad that I can be.
Now we're going to struggle a bit at first but You're pregnant?! She hasn't told you? I'm not pregnant.
You are.
She really is.
She's actually beginning to show.
What about your life? What about college? How could you be so stupid? College doesn't matter because she's dropped out Barry, shut up! It wasn't a pregnancy test.
It was a water purity tester.
I'm a lifeguard! What?! But you said No, you said! I've been to hell and back over this! And you deserved it! "Is it mine?!".
Who the heck is this guy? I'm Barry.
Barry the boyfriend.
Son, I don't know what your malfunction is, but you need to get your facts straight.
You seriously think she'd be interested in a guy like you? And for your information, soldier, before Bobby stepped in, me, Kim and her boyfriend were on our way out to dinner.
Jakeyou'reJake again.
Oh, God.
Pam is a prophet! Jake, this asshole's claiming to be my girl's boyfriend.
If you want to kick his butt, I'll stand aside.
You told your dad you were still with Jake? It's not that simple.
Either you did or you didn't! Either you're going out for dinner, or not.
And, Jesus, he looks fucking handsome! So just tell me what the hell is going on? I'm sorry.
So, bad timing and everything, but are we going to dinner or not? Hope! Hmmm Just one thing.
Just say one nice thing.
Maybe about her hair? Aw! No Nope! Sorry! I got nothing! Rules of the game, right? I keep going until I can think of something nice to say about you? Well, yeah, but No, no! That's what makes the game so fun! OK.
Hmmm Still nothing.
Weird! Wooh! Rachael, just say anything.
Uhshe's one of the guys? She's great for A-Rab.
Say anything! Actually, I do admire her ability to use sex to get guys' attention and to make herself feel better.
I wish I could do that! Drink! I can't believe you dropped out of college.
You should have informed me, stat.
Priority one.
I thought you knew, it's why you came here.
For the big lecture.
No, that's not why.
Look, I know you have this whole college plan mapped out for me, and I'm sorry I'm not that girl and why are you here then? I've met someone.
Oh.
Her name's Phoenix.
She's, um .
.
a little younger than How much younger? She's 21.
Andshe's also carrying my child.
Does Mom know? I thought it might be better coming from you.
You're incredible, you know that? You seriously expect me to do your dirty work for you?! I am your father! You do not speak to me like that! And you certainly don't occupy the moral high ground, young lady.
Not since you quit college and you're dating thatthat thing! That thing is named Barry! You know, Barry has his faults, but he is a decent, honest person.
He says what he thinks, even though sometimes it's borderline incomprehensible.
If he's so great, Kimbo, why did you pretend that Jake was still your boyfriend? So if Kimberley's not pregnant, then why did you think she was in the first place? Because of the water tester.
I've got no idea what that is.
It's something that looks like a pregnancy test if you're a fucking moron.
How's our baby daddy? False alarm.
At least someone has some good news.
I just had to sit through the party game from hell.
Did it involve your girlfriend pretending Jake was still her boyfriend because she's so embarrassed of you? Obviously not.
Mine did.
I win.
Again.
It's just like my dream.
Him, her, her dad they're vampires.
And I'm not.
I'm normal blood.
Jake and Kim are going to end up together.
And I'm justin the way.
Hey, man.
I had no idea that Kimberley told her dad that we were still together.
I'm as horrified as you are.
Yeah, I'm sure you are.
All torn up inside, shedding your fucking vampire tears.
I'm really not getting this vampire thing.
No idea.
Barry.
You're obsessed with this divide.
The jock.
The geek.
They're just labels.
We're men.
We're the same.
I feel your pain, your anger.
If you want to hit me, just go ahead.
Do it.
I'm not going to fight back.
What's the point? I'd probably just break my hand on your perfect fucking jaw line.
PhewJake looks good! Damn! Having fun? You know, Bobby, I actually am.
It's a real blast.
Dude, everyone's staring at us.
"Hide him in plain sight.
" A brilliant plan, even if I do say so myself.
You're wearing a dress.
Yep.
And I feel like a dick.
Happy birthday and all that.
Aw, you did this for me? Thank you.
Er, yeah, sure.
Party! Rachael! It's OK.
You! Come dance with me.
It's a fun game! You got to just spin the bottle and say nice things.
No, come on.
Baby Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I think it's super-nice that Pam is such a good wife and mom that she made out with PJ's boyfriend at the prom.
It's good to share, right? Yeah, it wasn't the prom, actually.
It was her birthday, so I guess today's a big day for me too.
Yay, me! PJ And you know, I also think it's lovely that you guys are so screwed up that you can't even admit how much you like each other.
Thanks.
Mm-hm.
Boom! Who's next? I'm sorry.
I didn't realise Yeah, well, now you do.
So why did you wear the dress? So that you wouldn't think that I was a spoiled brat.
Who's next? Stop this right now! I don't really know which one of you he's pointing to, but you are a little too old for him and he hasn't had sex with me for weeks.
So what would be great is if that could change right here, right now.
Mac, restrain your wife! We're married and we get do whatever Uh Hello? What did Rachael say to you? Just that I was an idiot for making you feel guilty about your mum's birthday.
No, she didn't.
She said some slurred stuff about you and me.
And how we can't let each other know how we feel.
Can we just skip the part where we discuss feelings? Let's just say that you're a a really bad boyfriend and I'm a really good girlfriend.
Cos I'm gonna say that's cool.
You know, we don't have to talk about it.
We'd have to be boyfriend and girlfriend for that to work.
OK.
Then it's cool.
Dress is pretty hideous, though.
Why, thank you! Just don't make out with my mom, OK? Let's just not involve them at all, huh? Oh.
Oh.
I'd like my boyfriend to meet my dad.
Yeah, well, I think Jake's over there somewhere.
I'd like you, my boyfriend, to meet my dad.
Hello, MrKimberley.
I'm Barry.
Barry the boyfriend.
There's probably a few things you should know about me.
I'm wearing your daughter's underwear.
Also, I don't enjoy any forms of sport unless they're computerised.
Oh, and I think the healthcare provision in your country is a total joke.
Also, I don't have any savings in the bank.
Whatsoever.
Or a job.
Or a prospect of ever getting one.
And if he ever has a child, he's going to name it Lando.
Regardless of gender.
Also, I am in love with your daughter.
I do love you.
I know.
Nice to meet you.
Sir.
Ow Drunk.
On camp.
And during my special event.
I've no choice.
It's an instant dismissal.
You can't do that, surely.
Yes, I can.
Well, what I think A-Rab is trying to say is that it's not a wise move.
You'll have to log a dismissal reason with head office and since you're in charge What, you're saying it's my fault? No, I'm saying you need to shut this down, and make sure you don't take any heat.
I'll make sure she gets some counselling for her alcohol and behavioural problems.
Three times a week.
That should cover our backs.
Fine.
Yeah, make it so.
And what about thethe child? Same situation.
Unregistered on camp property.
Potentially nasty lawsuit? Mm-hm.
I'll re-register him.
Backdate it.
Call his mother, make it right.
You see, me and Thurston, we have a special understanding.
Don't we, Thurston? You're so tall.
And such an idiot.
I have a mission for you, soldier.
Operation Daddy's Girl.
You're under direct orders to win back my daughter.
Storm that beach, son, and hold it.
No foreigner's going to sully my little piece of America.
You copy that? Negative.
What?! You really want her to go out with a guy like that? No, no, no.
You didn't let me finish.
See, a direct approach, it's not gonna work.
The defences are too strong.
Covert operation, sir.
We sneak in.
Win the war before the enemy even realises the battle's begun.
I like your thinking, soldier.
Thank you, sir.
Hey, guys.
May I? Uh That's OK.
Yeah, that's cool.
OK.
Thanks.
Ooh.
Oh, hey.
Tomorrow, Camp Wimoweh send their basketball team here.
This year we have a secret weapon.
The mighty Macca! So you think you'll score tomorrow? I hope so.
Mm, and how about tonight? Not the night before the game, got to keep the powder dry.
The night before or the week before? Hope doesn't need to know.
Hope doesn't need to know what? This is where I tell you to stay the hell away from A-Rab.
Because your marriage doesn't seem exactly perfect.
PJ.
You're looking good.
Be nice to catch up.
Are you a little bit jealous? No, of course not.
Fuck are all you looking at?! You didn't somehow end up kissing Barry? And then I said, "I love you".
And she said? "I know.
" Mate, she totally Leia'd you.
Empire Strikes Back.
Princess Leia to Han.
"I love you.
" "I know.
" I can't be Leia, I always thought I was Han.
I'm Han.
I'm Luke.
Well, who the hell am I, then? Chewbacca.