Better Off Ted (2009) s02e03 Episode Script

The potential for a long lasting light bulb is enormous.
In a recent study, people's desire to see things ranked third, right after hitting things and trying to have sex with things.
- And if people could - Hey, that's my doughnut! Shut up.
Ted's talking.
By leveling the current, we have increased bulb life by 38%.
This is the greatest leap in bulb technology since - interesting fact The original lightbulb shape was patterned off Edison's neighbor, whose head was hideously enormous.
This bulb lasts so long, it will be giving off light well after you're dead.
Gentlemen, when you fight like that, manhood weeps.
Nice work, Ted.
You've made a super long-lasting lightbulb.
And since that's the name of this project, your instincts are spot-on.
Thank you, everybody.
- The company's gonna love this.
- And I can't get enough of the company's love.
Maybe you and the company should spend a weekend in wine country together, share a couple of bottles one evening, maybe convince it not to wear panties to dinner.
You should jump on that, Ted, before the crazy outweighs the hot.
So there's a famous theoretical physicist named Stella Clifton giving a lecture tonight.
She's on the company's radar, and I'd like for you to go talk to her about coming to work here.
I'd emphasize the salary she'd make and downplay the way we treat people.
I'm sorry.
I couldn't help but overhear.
Hiring Stella Clifton would be a huge mistake.
She's arrogant, super critical and hangs her wet bras on everything.
I mean, that's the buzz in the physics chat rooms.
Stella Clifton is lem's mom.
He doesn't want people to know because he's always felt overshadowed by her.
- So you're saying we have an in? I'm saying, can't we just let this one go? Wouldn't be the first time we didn't hire a brilliant scientist because someone at the company would be upset.
- Remember Bob Hitler? - No, I forgot the scientist named Hitler.
Okay, fine.
We won't go after Lem's mom.
But this would be easier to sell upstairs if someone named Clifton had bombed the hell out of London.
Good morning, Phil.
You're late.
Were you up watching that documentary on moss? Can you believe how much that stuff likes shade? - It just goes nuts.
- No, I was up because my mom was having sex with some guy.
Either that, or they were using her bed to hammer a very stubborn nail into the wall.
It's not right the way she treats you.
She's so inconsiderate.
She's like rhodesian wet moss.
That stuff doesn't give a damn who it hurts.
Good morning! I had sex last night.
That's right dirty, sloppy sex.
Truly, gentlemen, my hips were a blur.
I went to the Stella Clifton lecture, and afterwards we started to chat and hit it off.
- So we went to a bar - Tell me you met another woman there and went home with her.
I did meet another woman.
But she wasn't interested, so I went home with Stella Clifton and porked her all night.
Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Yeah, she sounded just like that.
- I had a great idea.
- You should have come in here holding that bulb over your head so I could tell.
Yesterday I was in my cubicle, and a fly got caught in my lamp, - and it started to cook.
- That's not really an idea.
That's more of an unpleasant anecdote or a cautionary tale for flies.
- No, the bulb kept giving off this putrid smell, so I sprayed perfume on it.
And then today when I turned my lamp on, my whole cubicle smelled pretty.
And so I thought, bing! We should develop a line of scented lightbulbs.
Uh And react positively.
Okay, um You hate it.
All I ever do is test other people's ideas.
I was so excited to finally come up with one of my own.
But you're right.
It's stupid.
I should die like a lightbulb fly.
No, it's not stupid.
It's just, I have spent years developing this long-lasting bulb, and I don't want to distract the company with a different one.
Not to oversell it, but mine will save the world, and then Veridian will change its name to Ted's awesome lightbulb company.
Perfect.
Now I can tell my joke.
How many product testers does it take to change a lightbulb? Ted hated my idea.
No.
Seven.
- The end still needs work.
- I told Ted an idea I had for a scented lightbulb, but he didn't think we should do it.
Hmm.
I think a scented lightbulb is a good idea.
Really? You think it's worth pursuing? No, I don't.
- I'm kidding.
I like it.
- You do? No.
Oh.
- Seriously, I like it.
- Okay, what are we doing now? I'm showing you that you care too much what people think.
Successful people don't do that, Linda.
You've gotta be confident.
You've got a good idea, - and you shouldn't let anyone stop you.
- You really think it's a good idea? No, I don't.
Well, I do.
Finally! And that's why it takes seven product testers to change a lightbulb.
So I took Linda's idea for scented lightbulbs upstairs to Chet, and he loved it.
Really? Wow.
You went over my head on this? - No.
I just went out your door and ran into Veronica.
- Then she went over your head.
The company sees this as a whole new way to market lightbulbs to women.
And since you thought of the idea and you're a woman, even though your shoes argue otherwise, - the company wants you to co-run the project with Ted.
- That's fantastic.
Ted, are you okay with this? Please be okay with this.
It would be so exciting if we could work together on a project that I came up with.
Of course.
Yeah, I'm looking forward to it.
- It is going to be - And your lightbulb project is dead.
Fantastic.
- Mommy? - Hello, sweetheart.
How was your day at the crap factory? You know, sometimes I feel like you judge what I do.
I'm not judging you.
I just weighed the empirical evidence and came to an objective conclusion you're wasting your talent.
It's like Jackson pollock painting cars for $99.
95.
Listen I wanted to talk to you about Dr.
Bhamba.
- My new lover? - Yes.
It's just, you two dating is making it awkward for me at work.
Heaven forbid I've slowed production of the latest worthless gadget.
What will people do without a helmet that feeds them cheeseburgers - or a remote control for their underpants? - We're not making a cheeseburger helmet.
They pulled the plug after it Fed one of the test subjects to death.
I'm sorry, Lem, but I'm not giving up my Bhamba.
He's a very special man.
Look.
This robe is so short, if I were a bell, you could almost see my clapper.
I'm never calling you daddy.
Never, never! Okay I am happy for Linda.
Yay, Linda.
But the long-lasting bulb is important to me.
And taking my feelings completely out of it, it is way better than Linda's dumb, smelly bulb.
Ted, Ted, Ted.
I see what's going on here.
You're worried that after years of the company adoring you, a shiny, new Linda has come along, and they may not have enough love for both of you.
- I am not worried about that.
- Did they say that's what's happening? - I know what you're going through.
When my little sister came along, I was very jealous.
That feeling never went away even when she was older, and I put testosterone in her orange juice so she became hairy and unlovable and got kicked off the gymnastics team for doping.
- Oh, my God! I was not a perfect child, Ted.
My parents only had so much love, and I got it, and monkey girl didn't.
Anyway, don't be like that.
Whoo! Ow! Maybe Bhamba's not talking about your mom.
Maybe he's talking about the time he won that hula-hoop competition.
- And that's how I won the hula-hoop competition And developed the pelvic stamina to satisfy the sexual desires of the famous Dr.
Stella Clifton.
I can't believe your mom is doing this to you.
She's really not going to stop seeing Bhamba? Nope.
I spent my whole life trying not to be just the son of the famous Stella Clifton, and now that's all anyone's going to be talking about.
He it's Stella Clifton's son! Welcome to Veridian.
We expect great things from you.
I've been working here for 11 years.
Oh, I doubt that.
Great to have you aboard.
Okay, everybody's here.
Okay! Everybody's here.
I know you're co-leading this, but that doesn't mean - just repeating what I say.
- Maybe you're repeating what I say just before I get a chance to say it.
Okay, Linda.
Why don't you take the meeting? All right, I will.
Ted, bring us up to speed.
- All right.
First of all, let's talk about a timeline.
- Timeline, people.
Because some of us who have never run a project before may not realize it can take years to go from an idea to a workable prototype.
Am I right, fellas? Absolutely.
See? But in this case, the concept was so elegantly simple that we banged one out this morning.
Interesting.
So then I would be safe to say ha.
Please.
Your bulb smells like Pumpkin pie.
Mine would have slowed climate change.
But I guess when the ice caps melt, we will need something that smellsood to cover up the stench of all the dead polar bears.
Boys, how long would it take to develop new technology - so that Ted can go screw himself? - Mm, we're not prepared to address Don't talk.
This isn't about us.
Look I think it's gonna be impossible for us to co-lead these meetings.
Can't take a little heat, like your precious polar bears? - Wait.
How did I get on the crazy side of climate change? - There she is.
Linda, you remember my boss Chet? You better watch out for this one, Ted.
She could be the new Ted, a super sweet-smelling Ted.
Oh, that's just my bulbs, sir.
Hey-o! Very funny, Chet.
You tiptoed right up to the line but didn't cross it.
Yeah.
Oh, she's a sharp one.
Watch your back, stud.
Hey! Once again, sir, right up to the line.
This project is going to be great.
I hope so, sir.
What do you mean, you hope so? Nothing.
I I just hope everything goes well.
Why wouldn't it? Is there a problem, Veronica? Not at all.
It's a home run.
Linda was just doing a funny character she's been working on.
It's a product tester whose lack of confidence traps her in a sad cuble where she dies old and alone - without ever owning a decent purse.
- Well, as long as she never does it again, I don't see the harm.
There's a meeting on your project tomorrow night with the department heads.
If you want to be in the game, you're gonna have to show a lot more confidence than you just did.
I love that one.
I hate that one, - and bring me chicken for lunch.
- What were those? I have no idea, but did you see how confident I was? So confident, I'm getting chicken.
Now you try it.
- What do I tell him to do? - It doesn't matter.
Just make sure he does it.
Lose the tie, hippie.
What? What's wrong with my tie? Are you questioning me? Oh, that's rich.
I said lose it! And bring me a chicken.
Very nicely done.
Today, we feast on chicken, although you may be getting a live one.
Why are you looking up my mother's Facebook page? I'm going to find her, seduce her, and make sensitive yet vigorous love to her.
Well, that's the one thing we haven't tried to get her out of the coma.
Maybe I could save you three very weird minutes.
- Things between your mother and I have hit a rough patch.
- Oh, no.
What do I do with that world's greatest stepdad coffee mug I got for you? Guess I have to take it back to the sarcasm store.
It's just, Stella is so intelligent, I'm starting to feel like an idiot around her.
I know what you mean.
She's always reminding me that while she's unlocking the secrets of the universe, I'm trying to design a toaster that can handle a pizza bagel.
That would be a boon to both jews and Italians.
You're a very good scientist, Lem.
- You shouldn't feel inferior to your mother.
- Well, neither should you.
Your breakthroughs in weapons technology have made warfare exponentially more horrifying.
Well, I don't know about that.
It takes a village to kill a village.
I wonder, if only there were a way to show your mother we're intellectually worthy of her.
Well, I'm out of ideas.
I helped put a satellite into orbit when I was 11, but it wasn't "geosynchronous," so she wouldn't even look up when it went over our house.
We're both smart.
Maybe if we work together, we could do something to impress her like a bagel toaster that tracks down enemies and burns them evenly on both sides.
- No, not that.
- Or something she would appreciate something theoretical, - with no practical application whatever.
- Yes! Just to be clear, it has to be science, right? Not just a great dance move or something? Come on.
One great idea.
Lightbulbs that taste good.
No, that sucks! I suck.
No wonder the company's gone off me.
So "suck" is okay to say now? 'Cause I have some thoughts about the lunch you packed me today.
- I'm sorry, honey.
I'm just a little frustrated.
I'm trying to figure out something the company would really appreciate.
Well, why don't you just ask the company what it wants? I always like it on my birthday when you ask me - what I want.
- Well, the company doesn't know what it Stella Clifton.
That's it.
That's what they want.
I'll get them Stella Clifton.
Mwah! Thank you, honey.
If you think about it, it's not hard to figure out what people want, especial if they tell you over and over again.
We're not getting motorcyc with a sidecar.
- It's just not practical.
- We'll see.
What's 4 plus 8? I don't know.
A triangle? I'm very tired.
What is all this? We've been up all night trying to earn my mother's respect by solving Clifton's unfinished equation, which, as the name implies, she's been unable to finish.
Lem, you shouldn't have to prove anything to your mom.
You're great, and if she can't see that, then she is an insensitive idiot who happens to be hot and sexy.
Phil! I am still a man.
- Are you ready for the meeting? - We have to cancel.
Ted's disappeared, and I just found out, if you leave the scented bulbs on for three days, it smells like rotting meat.
Linda, listen to yourself.
Those are just facts, and facts are just opinions, and opinions can be wrong.
The only thing that is never wrong is confidence.
But no buts.
I brought this upstairs, and your failure will be my failure.
You can do this.
I know you can.
Now get in there and run that meeting like a shark driving an assault vehicle through a herd of seals wearing chum pants.
I'll do it.
And so with aromas ranging from zucchini bread to fresh laundry, the scented lightbulb has zero downside.
I heard that after a couple of days, the bulb stinks like rotting meat.
Then you, sir, are the stupidest man who's ever lived.
What? What? I'm an executive who says, "what?" What are you, 2? You're the one who smells like rotting meat.
- Finish him.
- Oh, my God.
You're jealous of the lightbulb.
That's what this is about.
You hate light and smell.
What in the name of God did your paren do to you? Saunders, take your weird, emotional issues and get out.
Sorry.
No weakness.
Anyone else hear any stupid rumors about my lightbulb? Come on, bring it.
So I took Stella Clifton to dinner to convince her to come work Veridian.
And I brought Phil along in case the conversation got all science-y on me.
If you join the Veridian team, you would have access to unmatched scientific resources, from hydro-perlation nongravitational calibrators to executives who only know the name of one cool thing but will stay out of your way.
I've always felt that when science is seduced by commerce, scientists become intellectual prostitutes mind sluts, brain whores.
Well, we don't have to pay you.
Uh, so, Phil, you've been a little quiet.
Why don't you tell Dr.
Clifton what you like about working at Veridian? Ahh.
You're a bitch.
And there's a gym, which has a little juice bar.
Who needs to exercise at a gym when you've got your son's ego to beat up on? Phillip myman, if I am a little hard on lem, it's because I'm helping him by pointing out - potential areas for improvement.
- When Ted asked me to come tonight, I agreed for one reason to tell you that your son is a great guy and a brilliant scientist, and if you don't want him to go through life feeling like crap about himself, you should tell him you're proud of him once in a while.
- Okay, this is my fault.
- I should not have let Phil have his own grown-up drink.
- And you.
You're so desperate to score points with the company, you're trying to hire this hot, sexy woman even though you ow it would destroy lem.
Yes, I think you're sexy.
Yes, I don't have a lot of grown-up drinks, and, yes, I wish I had a third yes.
And, yes, I don't.
Hey.
Ted.
What a surprise.
You missed a good meeting today.
I lied in a loud voice and then crushed the spirit the only honest man in the room.
Listen I want to help you with your lightbulb, and mean really help you this time, not get all pissy and competitive.
Why? Linda wonders suspiciously.
'Cause I realized tonight that chasing the company's approval has turned me into a childish, approval-chasing butt-head.
Those were Phil's words when I drove him home.
He also accused me of being blurry and spinny.
Well, I haven't behaved perfectly either, - Linda says contritely.
- Why are you talking like that? Because it makes it easier for me to say I'm sorry.
Even though I have mostly contempt for the company, it still felt nice when they patted me on the head.
And that made me act all gloaty, Linda explained explanatorily.
Well, it's okay, Ted said, using his mouth.
I'm glad we don't talk like this all the time, he added.
That can't be a 7, or the sky would be green.
Mom.
What brings you to the place where, as you say, "science bends over and grabs its ankles"? I just wanted to see what my son was up to.
Why are you wasting your time working on my stuff? Why don't you show me what you're working on? - Because you're gonna think it's stupid.
- I won't.
Popcorn that pops from the heat in your mouth.
Huh.
It's pretty cool, actually.
I think I put too much in.
- Can I try one? - Are you sure? It's fresh from the crap factory.
I like it.
Really? I'm sorry I never looked up at your satellite.
It's okay.
It's coming around again in 2015.
It's a date.
You bring the popcorn.
Crocodiles! Oh! I was having a dream.
The only thing I remember was a curious lack of crocodiles, and so I began to call out for them.
Oh.
Stella.
Look at the boards.
See how smart I am? I taped three of them together.
Who cares if you're smart? You're great in the sack.
Really? Eventually, working together, Linda and I found a solution to her stinking bulb problem.
I just wanted to say thanks for mentoring me, but I can't keep faking the crazy-confident thing.
It's making me more crazy than confident.
That's fine, Linda.
You are weak and so will never be a threat to me.
- That's perhaps your greatest quality.
- And I realized that whether it's a giant, multinational company or your own mother, you should never chase someone else's approval.
Hey, Ted, I heard you pitched in on the lightbulb.
Nice work.
Really? You think so? God, that felt good.