Betty White's Off Their Rockers (2012) s02e03 Episode Script
January 15, 2013 (1)
[Rock music plays.]
Excuse me, hon.
Do you text? Yeah, I do.
I forgot my glasses, and I cannot see this.
Would you text my boyfriend for me? Here.
Can you hold that for just a second? - Sure.
- Oh, thank you.
- Okay.
Ready? - Yeah, ready.
"Leo " "Leo " " your mother " " your " " won't stop calling me.
" " won't stop " "You said you were going " " you were going " " to move out of her house right after college.
" " right after college.
" Yes.
And hit "send" for me.
Okay.
[Sighs.]
That's what I get for picking up guys at college bars, right? [Twisted Sister's "We're not gonna take it" plays.]
Whoo! Lookin' good, sweetheart.
We're not gonna take it no, we ain't gonna take it we're not gonna take it anymore Nailed it.
We're not gonna take it no, we ain't gonna take it we're not gonna take it [sneezes.]
Anymore we're not gonna take it no, we ain't gonna take it we're not gonna take it anymore Oh, hi, there.
And welcome to "Off Their Rockers.
" I was just reading about alternative healing methods.
I'm really interested in trying a detox cleanse, and I thought I should pass it on to my friends.
Hey, Betty.
You think this leech therapy actually works? Oh, Steve-O, I was talking about a juice fast.
Yeah, well, you wouldn't happen to know how to get these things off of me, would you? I don't know.
But you better find out.
One's heading south.
Aaaaah! Excuse me.
What year are you? Uh, senior.
Senior perfect.
Chapter nine.
I need all the problems done by Tuesday.
I hear you're the best.
Don't let me down.
The check's in the mail.
Leave it in the usual spot.
What? I don't know who that guy is.
[Laughs.]
_ No, I thought you knew him.
Wow.
Yo.
Your fly's open.
Say what? Made you look.
Hi.
Excuse me.
Where did you get this? You got to go across the aisle.
Straight across.
It's actually almost straight directly across.
- The aisle we're in - Yeah? Over there.
- Oh.
Thank you.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
It's too far for me to walk.
[Chuckles.]
I appreciate it.
Attention shoppers someone just cut a huge fart in the produce department.
_ Can we get some air freshener over there? [Laughs.]
Thank you.
Some of my friends complain about having to babysit, but I just love it.
Can we go home now? As soon as you get that third coat on the exterior.
Here you are, great-grandma.
Oh, thank you, sweetheart.
Mmm.
Needs a touch more happy juice.
As you wish, great-grandma.
[Chuckles.]
Such good kids.
Okay.
Break time's over.
Open up the shop.
And the toilet's still clogged.
Here you go.
If you got time to lean, you got time to clean.
[Both laugh.]
- * we're not gonna take it anymore * - Hi, everyone.
What's going on? Betty, we think you have a problem.
You're a prank-aholic.
This is an intervention.
[Chuckles.]
Guys, I thought that was the idea of this show.
I mean, we seniors go out and play practical jokes on juniors.
But, Betty, you're taking this too far.
Last week, Michael sprained his ankle running after your remote-control rascal.
And Ann still can't get the purple dye out of her hair.
We think you need to get some serious help.
Well w wait a minute.
Isn't there another way? Can't we talk this out? You know what'll happen to a girl like me on the inside.
[Laughter.]
Gotcha! You fell for it! Oh! Good work, guys.
Oh, you got me good.
Hey, do you want some of my homemade lemonade? Yeah.
You bet.
[Gagging.]
Oh, never prank a prankster.
Did you see a senior bus tour around here? We we just popped into the bushes for a little private time.
I think it's down this way, guys.
Woman: Come on, Lou! Let's go! Lou: I'm coming.
I'm coming.
- Just a second.
- Come on.
I'm coming.
- Hi.
How you doing? - Hi.
Good.
How are you? Sorry.
Sorry to bother you, but my name is Lou, and I just need some advice on something, especially from a woman.
Oh.
I've been out of the dating game for a while, and I need an icebreaker.
I wrote a few.
Tell me what you think.
Be honest.
Okay, here's one.
"I got the milk crate, if you stack the firewood.
" Isn't that good? - [Laughs.]
Sure.
- Is that good? I wouldn't know how to respond to that.
No, no, do you think it would work? Really? - It could.
- Oh, God, thank you.
Okay, wait, wait.
I'll give you another one.
"Will you come to my place, and we could have sex together.
" Well, that's a little aggressive, I would say.
Really? It's over-the-top, huh? Well, you know, you're just putting yourself out there real fast.
Okay, how's this one? "Are you a taxi? 'Cause I'm late for a doctor's appointment.
" [Laughs.]
- Um, yeah.
- Is that no good? You know, I would go with just like, "hi.
How are you?" I just start with Wait, wait, wait.
I'm writing it.
Okay, write that one down.
That's a good one.
Well, I tried, "how are you?" But I'll try that again.
You know, "how are how are you?" Make sure you spell it correctly.
Could I put, "would you like to go back to my place?" At the end of that? - Sure.
- You think that really work? Yeah, probably.
You know, you've really given me some great ideas.
I'm gonna go to that coffee shop over there, write some more.
And if you're here, I'll come back and say hello to you.
Okay, great.
Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
Excuse me.
Can you read these letters to me while I put them in? Thanks.
4 - X - X B - B? - "B" as in "boy.
" - N - N? Yes, "n" as in "nook.
" That's it.
Oh! Oh, wow.
I now have access to every porn site on the web.
[Laughter.]
Oh, no.
They tracked my I.
P.
address.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
Excuse me a minute.
Could you hold this just for a second? Just hold it.
Just hold it like that.
Wet floor.
[Mid-tempo music plays.]
Hey, hey ohh-ohh-ohh hey, hey ohh-ohh-ohh Oh.
Excuse me, girls.
Hi.
Could I get your opinion about something? Oh, thank you so much.
I have just started dating again, but I've met this guy, and this morning, he sent me a text.
He wants me to send some pictures.
You know what I mean? Do you know anybody who's ever done this? - Not personally, no.
- No.
Yeah.
Do you know how to take a picture of yourself? Go to the camera.
There's a button that says "reverse" down at the bottom corner.
Oh, great.
He's gonna love these.
I'm gonna run and buy myself some lingerie, maybe a mirror.
He's gonna love these.
Bye.
Ooh.
Thank you.
_ _ Excuse me.
Do you like this? Yes, it's very nice.
It looks comfy, right? And I thought it was the gray is kind of classy.
- Totally.
- Could you hold this? It seems like it's a good quality.
Yeah.
I thought so.
I like the whole look.
You mind if I lie down and just see how it feels? Oh, I don't work here, so sure.
Okay.
[Laughs.]
I really admire your taste, so that's why I stopped you.
Aw, thank you so much.
Oh.
It's cool.
[Snoring.]
Hello? Hello? Ma'am? Ma'am? I have to go.
[Snoring continues.]
We're not gonna take it anymore Isn't it amazing what you can do on the Internet these days? I just earned a degree online.
Betty, hurry.
The baby's head is crowning.
Oh, I'll be right there.
Oh.
Don't worry.
I know what I'm doing.
I just watched one of these things on YouTube.
[Baby cries.]
Excuse me, ladies.
One moment.
Do you happen to have the time? Huh? Yeah.
Yeah? What? - 11:45! - 11:45! [Men cheering.]
Hello.
Someone dropped this baby off at the convent, and we can only do so much as a religious order.
We decided that we wanted to find her a good home, and you ladies look like you'd make a wonderful mother.
So, enjoy and congratulations.
What? Good luck to you! [Laughs.]
_ [Sighs.]
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'm sorry.
I just got to get this out.
It's not you.
- It's me.
- Uh-huh.
It's just not working out, you know? So, we're just growing apart.
So, yeah, I'm done.
Did something happen, the final straw? Yeah, you we're just growing apart.
And I've had it with you, okay? - Okay.
- Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
You get it? We're done.
So, how do you think I did? Okay.
You did great.
[Laughs.]
I did great? I'm meeting my boyfriend, and we're breaking up.
- You know? - Ohh.
so I just wanted to make sure it sounded good.
- So, I did good? - Is he 22? Yeah.
Yeah.
- It sounded good? - It sounded good.
- You know what? - Great.
You just got to just be strong in your conviction.
Thank you so much.
Yeah, I know.
It's not easy.
Good luck.
Thank you.
[Baby crying.]
Sir, is there a freeway entrance up here someplace? Uh, yeah.
It's that way.
My grandson has been keeping me up all night crying just crying.
And, you know, I got to get him home.
I got to get him home.
You know, I always get excited going out with somebody for the first time.
So, to calm my nerves, I make sure I'm totally prepared.
There we go.
Ahh.
Ah.
I just have one more thing to do.
[Beeping.]
How are his finances? He owns his own home, and he has a healthy retirement plan.
Health history? Some minor kidney stones in 2010, but other than that, fit as a fiddle.
Family? Oh, Betty, we may have a problem here.
Really? What's up? He has an identical twin brother.
My intel says they sometimes like to swap their partners.
[Chuckling.]
Well this date's turning out to be twice as interesting as I thought it would be.
Excuse me.
Will you please hold this for one second? You like pool? Watch this.
[Glass shatters.]
Thanks.
We're not gonna take it anymore [Dogs barking.]
Can I talk to you for a second? Yeah.
We're having a celebrity dog event, and I'm gonna have to clear every dog that comes into the park.
Name? - For the dog? - The dog's name.
Hermione.
Hermione.
Hermione.
Hermione.
Oh, Hermione.
I got a Happy.
I got a Henrietta.
Hermione.
Yeah.
Okay, I do have a Hermione, but it's a Great Dane.
What kind of breed is this dog? - This is a Dachshund.
- A Dachshund.
Okay, well, let me check.
There's an important event going on.
It's a birthday party.
Are you regulars here? - Yeah.
- Oh, you are? All right, I got I got a Hermione - and what's - Dudley.
Dudley.
Dudley and Hermione.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I know it's a ridiculous name.
They're dachshunds, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, Hermione and Dudley are okay.
They cleared you.
Your dogs like mineral water? - Yeah.
- Oh.
Have a nice time up there.
I hope that the flashbulbs from the photographers don't spook your dogs, but, you know, have a good time.
Oh, look at your tattoos.
Could I talk to you guys for just a minute? - I have such a dilemma.
- Uh My granddaughter wants me to get a tramp stamp.
Do you know what a tramp stamp is? [Laughter.]
You know, I want to be cool.
Your tattoos are - I got a tramp stamp.
- Oh, you do? What does it say? It's just a picture.
[Gasps.]
Oh, my gosh.
That's beautiful! Somebody said you get the guy's name you know, I've got a younger boyfriend.
What if I got "property of" his name right on the back? No, don't get names.
It's a curse.
But what about she's also suggested, like, "slippery when wet.
" [Laughs.]
I don't know what that means.
[Laughing.]
Yes, you do.
- Is that naughty? - You know what that means.
- Absolutely not.
- I feel very strange about this.
You know what? No, wait.
No, you've helped me because I like the colors.
I think I'm just gonna get angel wings.
- Oh, that's nice.
- That'd be pretty.
Thank you so much.
Oh, thank you, sweetheart.
Bye-bye.
[Bicycle bell rings.]
[Horn honks.]
Move out the way, biatches! Have a great day.
You, too.
[Horn honks.]
Whoo! My prayers have been answered! [Horn honks.]
Out of my way! I got to get my pray on! [Both laugh.]
God bless you.
I am so glad you're on our show, Steve-O.
Me too, Betty.
You know, I've pulled a lot of pranks in my day, and I've got some scars to prove it.
See right there? I got that diving through the windshield of my car off a skateboard.
You think that's bad? I got this on my very first job as a lion tamer.
Well, right here I got that taking a face-plant off a second-floor balcony.
My chin's always looked worse since then, but my teeth look way better.
Ah.
[Metallic clanging.]
Metal plate in my head.
Rue McClanahan and I were roughhousing on the set of "The Golden Girls.
" You know how you do.
Yeah, I feel like I can learn a lot from you, Betty.
I've always kind of thought of us as kindred spirits.
Ahh.
Now, let's quit all this happy stuff.
And set our skateboards on fire and roll off the roof.
Sounds like a dumb idea.
I'm in.
Excuse me, hon.
Do you text? Yeah, I do.
I forgot my glasses, and I cannot see this.
Would you text my boyfriend for me? Here.
Can you hold that for just a second? - Sure.
- Oh, thank you.
- Okay.
Ready? - Yeah, ready.
"Leo " "Leo " " your mother " " your " " won't stop calling me.
" " won't stop " "You said you were going " " you were going " " to move out of her house right after college.
" " right after college.
" Yes.
And hit "send" for me.
Okay.
[Sighs.]
That's what I get for picking up guys at college bars, right? [Twisted Sister's "We're not gonna take it" plays.]
Whoo! Lookin' good, sweetheart.
We're not gonna take it no, we ain't gonna take it we're not gonna take it anymore Nailed it.
We're not gonna take it no, we ain't gonna take it we're not gonna take it [sneezes.]
Anymore we're not gonna take it no, we ain't gonna take it we're not gonna take it anymore Oh, hi, there.
And welcome to "Off Their Rockers.
" I was just reading about alternative healing methods.
I'm really interested in trying a detox cleanse, and I thought I should pass it on to my friends.
Hey, Betty.
You think this leech therapy actually works? Oh, Steve-O, I was talking about a juice fast.
Yeah, well, you wouldn't happen to know how to get these things off of me, would you? I don't know.
But you better find out.
One's heading south.
Aaaaah! Excuse me.
What year are you? Uh, senior.
Senior perfect.
Chapter nine.
I need all the problems done by Tuesday.
I hear you're the best.
Don't let me down.
The check's in the mail.
Leave it in the usual spot.
What? I don't know who that guy is.
[Laughs.]
_ No, I thought you knew him.
Wow.
Yo.
Your fly's open.
Say what? Made you look.
Hi.
Excuse me.
Where did you get this? You got to go across the aisle.
Straight across.
It's actually almost straight directly across.
- The aisle we're in - Yeah? Over there.
- Oh.
Thank you.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
It's too far for me to walk.
[Chuckles.]
I appreciate it.
Attention shoppers someone just cut a huge fart in the produce department.
_ Can we get some air freshener over there? [Laughs.]
Thank you.
Some of my friends complain about having to babysit, but I just love it.
Can we go home now? As soon as you get that third coat on the exterior.
Here you are, great-grandma.
Oh, thank you, sweetheart.
Mmm.
Needs a touch more happy juice.
As you wish, great-grandma.
[Chuckles.]
Such good kids.
Okay.
Break time's over.
Open up the shop.
And the toilet's still clogged.
Here you go.
If you got time to lean, you got time to clean.
[Both laugh.]
- * we're not gonna take it anymore * - Hi, everyone.
What's going on? Betty, we think you have a problem.
You're a prank-aholic.
This is an intervention.
[Chuckles.]
Guys, I thought that was the idea of this show.
I mean, we seniors go out and play practical jokes on juniors.
But, Betty, you're taking this too far.
Last week, Michael sprained his ankle running after your remote-control rascal.
And Ann still can't get the purple dye out of her hair.
We think you need to get some serious help.
Well w wait a minute.
Isn't there another way? Can't we talk this out? You know what'll happen to a girl like me on the inside.
[Laughter.]
Gotcha! You fell for it! Oh! Good work, guys.
Oh, you got me good.
Hey, do you want some of my homemade lemonade? Yeah.
You bet.
[Gagging.]
Oh, never prank a prankster.
Did you see a senior bus tour around here? We we just popped into the bushes for a little private time.
I think it's down this way, guys.
Woman: Come on, Lou! Let's go! Lou: I'm coming.
I'm coming.
- Just a second.
- Come on.
I'm coming.
- Hi.
How you doing? - Hi.
Good.
How are you? Sorry.
Sorry to bother you, but my name is Lou, and I just need some advice on something, especially from a woman.
Oh.
I've been out of the dating game for a while, and I need an icebreaker.
I wrote a few.
Tell me what you think.
Be honest.
Okay, here's one.
"I got the milk crate, if you stack the firewood.
" Isn't that good? - [Laughs.]
Sure.
- Is that good? I wouldn't know how to respond to that.
No, no, do you think it would work? Really? - It could.
- Oh, God, thank you.
Okay, wait, wait.
I'll give you another one.
"Will you come to my place, and we could have sex together.
" Well, that's a little aggressive, I would say.
Really? It's over-the-top, huh? Well, you know, you're just putting yourself out there real fast.
Okay, how's this one? "Are you a taxi? 'Cause I'm late for a doctor's appointment.
" [Laughs.]
- Um, yeah.
- Is that no good? You know, I would go with just like, "hi.
How are you?" I just start with Wait, wait, wait.
I'm writing it.
Okay, write that one down.
That's a good one.
Well, I tried, "how are you?" But I'll try that again.
You know, "how are how are you?" Make sure you spell it correctly.
Could I put, "would you like to go back to my place?" At the end of that? - Sure.
- You think that really work? Yeah, probably.
You know, you've really given me some great ideas.
I'm gonna go to that coffee shop over there, write some more.
And if you're here, I'll come back and say hello to you.
Okay, great.
Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
Excuse me.
Can you read these letters to me while I put them in? Thanks.
4 - X - X B - B? - "B" as in "boy.
" - N - N? Yes, "n" as in "nook.
" That's it.
Oh! Oh, wow.
I now have access to every porn site on the web.
[Laughter.]
Oh, no.
They tracked my I.
P.
address.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
Excuse me a minute.
Could you hold this just for a second? Just hold it.
Just hold it like that.
Wet floor.
[Mid-tempo music plays.]
Hey, hey ohh-ohh-ohh hey, hey ohh-ohh-ohh Oh.
Excuse me, girls.
Hi.
Could I get your opinion about something? Oh, thank you so much.
I have just started dating again, but I've met this guy, and this morning, he sent me a text.
He wants me to send some pictures.
You know what I mean? Do you know anybody who's ever done this? - Not personally, no.
- No.
Yeah.
Do you know how to take a picture of yourself? Go to the camera.
There's a button that says "reverse" down at the bottom corner.
Oh, great.
He's gonna love these.
I'm gonna run and buy myself some lingerie, maybe a mirror.
He's gonna love these.
Bye.
Ooh.
Thank you.
_ _ Excuse me.
Do you like this? Yes, it's very nice.
It looks comfy, right? And I thought it was the gray is kind of classy.
- Totally.
- Could you hold this? It seems like it's a good quality.
Yeah.
I thought so.
I like the whole look.
You mind if I lie down and just see how it feels? Oh, I don't work here, so sure.
Okay.
[Laughs.]
I really admire your taste, so that's why I stopped you.
Aw, thank you so much.
Oh.
It's cool.
[Snoring.]
Hello? Hello? Ma'am? Ma'am? I have to go.
[Snoring continues.]
We're not gonna take it anymore Isn't it amazing what you can do on the Internet these days? I just earned a degree online.
Betty, hurry.
The baby's head is crowning.
Oh, I'll be right there.
Oh.
Don't worry.
I know what I'm doing.
I just watched one of these things on YouTube.
[Baby cries.]
Excuse me, ladies.
One moment.
Do you happen to have the time? Huh? Yeah.
Yeah? What? - 11:45! - 11:45! [Men cheering.]
Hello.
Someone dropped this baby off at the convent, and we can only do so much as a religious order.
We decided that we wanted to find her a good home, and you ladies look like you'd make a wonderful mother.
So, enjoy and congratulations.
What? Good luck to you! [Laughs.]
_ [Sighs.]
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'm sorry.
I just got to get this out.
It's not you.
- It's me.
- Uh-huh.
It's just not working out, you know? So, we're just growing apart.
So, yeah, I'm done.
Did something happen, the final straw? Yeah, you we're just growing apart.
And I've had it with you, okay? - Okay.
- Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
You get it? We're done.
So, how do you think I did? Okay.
You did great.
[Laughs.]
I did great? I'm meeting my boyfriend, and we're breaking up.
- You know? - Ohh.
so I just wanted to make sure it sounded good.
- So, I did good? - Is he 22? Yeah.
Yeah.
- It sounded good? - It sounded good.
- You know what? - Great.
You just got to just be strong in your conviction.
Thank you so much.
Yeah, I know.
It's not easy.
Good luck.
Thank you.
[Baby crying.]
Sir, is there a freeway entrance up here someplace? Uh, yeah.
It's that way.
My grandson has been keeping me up all night crying just crying.
And, you know, I got to get him home.
I got to get him home.
You know, I always get excited going out with somebody for the first time.
So, to calm my nerves, I make sure I'm totally prepared.
There we go.
Ahh.
Ah.
I just have one more thing to do.
[Beeping.]
How are his finances? He owns his own home, and he has a healthy retirement plan.
Health history? Some minor kidney stones in 2010, but other than that, fit as a fiddle.
Family? Oh, Betty, we may have a problem here.
Really? What's up? He has an identical twin brother.
My intel says they sometimes like to swap their partners.
[Chuckling.]
Well this date's turning out to be twice as interesting as I thought it would be.
Excuse me.
Will you please hold this for one second? You like pool? Watch this.
[Glass shatters.]
Thanks.
We're not gonna take it anymore [Dogs barking.]
Can I talk to you for a second? Yeah.
We're having a celebrity dog event, and I'm gonna have to clear every dog that comes into the park.
Name? - For the dog? - The dog's name.
Hermione.
Hermione.
Hermione.
Hermione.
Oh, Hermione.
I got a Happy.
I got a Henrietta.
Hermione.
Yeah.
Okay, I do have a Hermione, but it's a Great Dane.
What kind of breed is this dog? - This is a Dachshund.
- A Dachshund.
Okay, well, let me check.
There's an important event going on.
It's a birthday party.
Are you regulars here? - Yeah.
- Oh, you are? All right, I got I got a Hermione - and what's - Dudley.
Dudley.
Dudley and Hermione.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I know it's a ridiculous name.
They're dachshunds, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, Hermione and Dudley are okay.
They cleared you.
Your dogs like mineral water? - Yeah.
- Oh.
Have a nice time up there.
I hope that the flashbulbs from the photographers don't spook your dogs, but, you know, have a good time.
Oh, look at your tattoos.
Could I talk to you guys for just a minute? - I have such a dilemma.
- Uh My granddaughter wants me to get a tramp stamp.
Do you know what a tramp stamp is? [Laughter.]
You know, I want to be cool.
Your tattoos are - I got a tramp stamp.
- Oh, you do? What does it say? It's just a picture.
[Gasps.]
Oh, my gosh.
That's beautiful! Somebody said you get the guy's name you know, I've got a younger boyfriend.
What if I got "property of" his name right on the back? No, don't get names.
It's a curse.
But what about she's also suggested, like, "slippery when wet.
" [Laughs.]
I don't know what that means.
[Laughing.]
Yes, you do.
- Is that naughty? - You know what that means.
- Absolutely not.
- I feel very strange about this.
You know what? No, wait.
No, you've helped me because I like the colors.
I think I'm just gonna get angel wings.
- Oh, that's nice.
- That'd be pretty.
Thank you so much.
Oh, thank you, sweetheart.
Bye-bye.
[Bicycle bell rings.]
[Horn honks.]
Move out the way, biatches! Have a great day.
You, too.
[Horn honks.]
Whoo! My prayers have been answered! [Horn honks.]
Out of my way! I got to get my pray on! [Both laugh.]
God bless you.
I am so glad you're on our show, Steve-O.
Me too, Betty.
You know, I've pulled a lot of pranks in my day, and I've got some scars to prove it.
See right there? I got that diving through the windshield of my car off a skateboard.
You think that's bad? I got this on my very first job as a lion tamer.
Well, right here I got that taking a face-plant off a second-floor balcony.
My chin's always looked worse since then, but my teeth look way better.
Ah.
[Metallic clanging.]
Metal plate in my head.
Rue McClanahan and I were roughhousing on the set of "The Golden Girls.
" You know how you do.
Yeah, I feel like I can learn a lot from you, Betty.
I've always kind of thought of us as kindred spirits.
Ahh.
Now, let's quit all this happy stuff.
And set our skateboards on fire and roll off the roof.
Sounds like a dumb idea.
I'm in.