Big Boys (2022) s02e03 Episode Script

1
Oh! Bloody hell.
What's the word for a group
of reindeer?
Uh. An orgy, Nan.
It's an orgy of reindeer.
Oh! We're doing a 12 pubs
of Christmas session.
Although we can only do five pubs
because there's only five pubs in
Kent Mark's not barred from.
Your cousin Mark was the only bloke
in your family you spoke fondly of.
He once went on Tipping Point
and kept calling drop zone 3
a cunt.
The ep was never aired.
Hello, Nan. What's pink and going to
get your head in a spin?
It's not your little knob, is it?
Even better! Yay!
Best Christmas present ever,
Danny boy.
It's quality.
Oi! Boys, boys, just come here a
minute. Come here.
Your dad was a bit of a
Larry loner in Margate.
Mostly because he'd slept
with everyone's missus
and had really shit chat.
The challenge in this pub is
we've got to hold hands
the whole time.
And if you let go even for a second,
then you get the next round in, right?
Wait, wait, wait.
I'm not I'm not holding
a bloke's hand.
What?
What about if I need to go
for a piss?
I need to get my dick out to piss.
I don't want you staring at my dick.
Shut up, give us your hand, you
ponce! What's wrong with you?
Right, five, four
ALL: Three, two, one.
[THEY CHEER]
Hey!
You all right? All right.
Fucking hell. You look like
a bunch of fucking woofters.
Shut up, Scrooge, you mug!
Scrooge?
Huh.
Give us a kiss.
[SHOUTING]
[GLASSES CRASH]
Fag?
No, I'm not.
No! I meant like a smoke.
Oh. Right.
You once told me how Chappy turned
out to be the first gay person
you'd ever met.
He now runs a nail salon
in Gravesend.
That's too strong
Cos it is my favourite holiday
But all this year's
been a busy blur
Don't think I have the energy ♪
Fuck, he's fit!
Oh, mate, you really need to get
your end away.
I just keep fancying straight guys.
Yeah.
That is going to be an issue.
I'm the exception that proves
the rule, obviously,
but, like, as like a genre of human,
like, we're just the worst.
I don't know. I've always got a bit
of a gay vibe off Tim.
He dresses nice.
Stretching.
Have you ever smelt his hair?
No. Have you?
Yeah.
This one time we were in the gym together,
and I've looked over at the water fountain
and there's like, this moment,
but who's going to go first,
you know,
and I've gone in Did you kiss?
No, but I just went
[HE SNIFFS]
[HE EXHALES]
Lily of the valley.
Oh? Yeah.
I just want to find out
if Tim's gay once and for all.
Yeah. Look.
I'm Facebook friends with him.
Oh. What?
Yeah, he's sort of sympathy-added
me, like, after my wobble last year.
So Yeah. There'll be some
evidence on there, man.
Sorry. Where is Corinne?
You're pregnant?
It's not ideal, no.
What are you going to do?
Well, second and third year
of uni count.
So if I was to delay by two years,
then I would be delaying my masters,
which would delay my PhD,
which could delay me making any
30 Under 30s list. So
Right.
You're joking there, right?
Half joking.
And who's the father?
Spencer, obviously.
Well, I don't know.
We still haven't even met the guy.
I was beginning to wonder
if you'd gone and made him up,
but clearly not.
There's nothing on there
to suggest he's gay or not gay.
Right, everyone, today
we will be looking at phone hacking.
Oh, my God, I was once a victim
of phone hacking.
You know what? It was bloody
horrible, actually.
A man in Bogota got into my Facey B
and then my whole wall
became like a retail hub
for Ray-Ban sunglasses.
Right, Jules, you've got 30 seconds
to interrupt this class.
OK, um, we'll just be really
quick, then, for you.
At the end of the week,
it's the second year's
BA Fashion Showcase.
So come on down.
All bottles of cheeky VK £1.50.
And I'll be selling the leftover
Punanis for a pound. Paninis.
I'll take a couple of festive
punanis off you.
Paninis. Yeah. Lovely.
Thank you, Danny and Tim.
Oh, yeah.
Jules has manipulated me
into donating something
for the festive fundraiser.
And, uh, since I'm moving anyway,
I'll be flogging this - £50
donation.
Come and collect it ASAP.
Table tennis. Pretty gay.
MUSIC: Diamond Veins
by French 79
You are the diamonds in my veins
Baby, you cut me ♪
You don't even do sport.
If I buy this, I can go to Tim's
house,
do some investigative journalism
to find out if he's gay.
Anyone? We are literally in a lecture
about the invasion of privacy. So
Oh, shut up, Corinne.
Fine. Sold to Jack.
Oh, will you help me collect it?
No. Little creep.
I'm busy tomorrow anyway.
Right. We'll get out of your hair.
Um, we've actually got tickets
to be in the audience
for Harry Hill's TV Burp.
[HE SINGS COUNTDOWN THEME]
Piss off!
Right, phone hacking.
Some people say it can ruin people's
lives,
and a reasonable misunderstanding of
the legislation around it
can also ruin people's careers.
So I'm going to terminate
the pregnancy tomorrow,
and I don't want to go by myself.
So will you come with me?
Of course, babe.
Thank you.
But why is Spencer not going
with you? I asked Spencer, but
Babe. I would come, you know,
I would love to come,
but I've got this feminist
poetry podcast tomorrow,
um, talking about toxic masculinity
and outdated notions
of patriarchal superiority.
So I, uh, I can't really come
with you to the borsh.
Your boyfriend sounds like a prick.
I know. But, yes, I shall
come with you.
I just have two days
in which to find a model
for my fashion showcase.
So I may be scouting for talent
on the abortion ward.
Please don't do that.
Babe, every single model
at this university is taken.
I even just had to ask
Would I have to walk
in a straight line?
Well, yes.
No can do.
Contrary to my confident persona,
I've actually got quite
a nervous disposition.
Right.
Right.
No.
Yay! Hey!
Look who it is! Danny boy!
Merry Christmas.
Hey, listen.
Did you bring a handgun
and ten grand?
Yeah, I'll sneak it to you after
we've had these watery coffees.
All right?
Oh, no. I'm off the caffeine.
What?
Yeah, yeah, I've quit anything
that's remotely a drug.
Finally! If only you'd been supplying
the people of Margate with arabica
beans instead of dodgy class As.
Yeah, yeah. Any jokes how
we're the only two
that's left Margate and moved up to
London?
I mean, you're in prison, Mark.
Yeah, well, it's a very desirable
West London postcode.
OK. Fair enough.
No, I'm I'm proper sorting myself out.
Good, good.
Anyway, to what do I owe
the pleasure of this visit?
Uh, it's, it's my old man.
Is he dead?
No, no, he's just texted me
out of the blue.
He wants to meet up.
Oh, shit.
Even worse.
I knew Tim was my lecturer
and nothing would happen,
but I felt I needed to know
if he was gay,
like Louis Walsh or
the Go Compare Man.
It was one of life's mysteries.
Hey.
Hello, Jack.
The table's just here.
Cool.
I just love tennis table tennis.
Just don't touch anything.
So, have you not brought
a vehicle with you?
Nah.
So how are you going to get
this home?
Oh, uh, yeah.
I hadn't thought about that.
So who do you live with?
It's just me.
Oh, well, who would you play
table tennis with?
Well, normally I'd fold up one side
and, uh, play solo. Right.
Maybe I'll start playing
with myself.
You know, Jack, you can play
with yourself as much as you like,
but get a van first.
Oh, she is stunning.
I'm pretty sure that NHS staff
don't want to model
for fashion students.
Are you OK?
You've asked me that eight times.
This is pretty normal stuff. OK?
I just wanted a pal to chat to.
Oh, aye-aye!
Look, it's you.
Oh, my fucking God.
Hello, my dolls.
I'm having my three-month scan.
Oh, wow. Congrats. Can I pinch your
lighter, sweetheart?
Of course you can.
So, what are you two doing here?
I didn't know you smoked.
I'm just a bit stressed.
Um, yeah, because, uh
Yemi's having his haemorrhoids removed.
Oh, hon.
What treatment are you having?
I'm not so sure.
OK, they can wrap a rubber band
around a haemorrhoid
to make it drop off, or they can put
an electric current through.
But actually, with mine,
they just used infrared light.
Well, you haven't actually chosen
yet, have you?
It's just a pretty big decision.
Oh, well. It's good to know you have
options, darling.
YEMI: Yes. That's good.
You look ridiculous.
Nan! I need something in between my
fingers to keep the smoking habit.
OK? How many have you had today?
About five.
Well, that amount of spicy pork
can't be good for a baby.
Oh, God.
Hi, boys.
Boys, boys. Boys. Boys.
It's me.
Oh, Tim.
Lush old pad.
Do you know what it's like?
The house on The Apprentice,
isn't it?
Right.
Put the kettle on, then, Tim,
in I come for a cup of tea.
- Absolutely not.
- OK.
[MOBILE RINGS]
Uh, can you two load and go, please?
I've got to take this phone call.
No, I've just had a tea. It's fine.
OK. Mind your toes.
Um
Hold on, Jules, I'm just going to
nip to the loo.
Oh, OK. Oh. Um
Uh, steal me a bog roll. What?
It's what people do at
Buckingham Palace, isn't it?
Um, Mel B has four, apparently
Well, yeah. You come round around
6.00 tomorrow,
I'll pop open some wine.
We'll just have a lovely evening in,
just us, you know?
Well, if you're lucky,
there'll be some mischief.
I spoke to him briefly on the phone,
but I don't know,
I just I don't think I'm ready to
let him back in, you know?
Well, I'm not surprised. I mean,
he's been an almighty tosser
most of our lives. Yeah, he has.
But then, you know, so have I.
Because, you know, when I get
out of here, Dan,
I'm going to be asking everyone
for a second chance.
Yeah, but that's different,
isn't it?
He's had his second chance
and his third and his fourth.
What I'm saying is, I suppose
you just don't know
when someone's ready to properly
change. How's Nan doin'?
Yes. Stable.
I mean, she likes her carer a lot.
Yeah, she flashed him last month.
Seriously. I mean, she said it was
an accident, but, you know
It sounds like her.
Sorry I weren't about when,
you know, when she's gone downhill.
No. It's fine. You know, I mean,
it's the thing.
Neither was Dad, you know?
At least you've got an excuse.
Only you can decide if you want
to forgive him, mate.
There's a lot of time to think
in here.
I mean, mostly, don't get me wrong.
Prison's just shit food, daytime telly
and slinging one up a sock every
now and then.
Sounds like uni. Yeah? Yeah.
But I think
the hardest thing is the fact
that I might not get to say goodbye
to Nan,
and that's fucking hard, Dan.
That hurts.
Patch things up with your old man.
I'm telling you, you don't want
that regret.
Listen, I didn't manage
to sneak you in any dirty mags,
but I did manage to get you this.
There you go.
Oh, no. You can't give it to me,
mate!
Mate, it's just a spinning bowtie!
It could have concealed drugs
or be used as a blade.
It's a novelty spinning bow tie,
mate. All right? Don't hurt him!
It's all right, Dan. It's all right.
It's all right.
So seeing you was the best present
I could have asked for, mate.
The local abortion clinic was mostly
populated by women
who chose not to go with boyfriends,
but instead with a trusted gay best friend.
Come 'ere. Can we keep this
termination between us, please?
I'm only telling you as the closest
thing I have to a girlfriend.
Yeah. Thanks, bitch.
Oh, my God!
That just gave me an idea.
What?
Maybe I don't need some other basic
fashion bish to wear my designs.
Here we go.
Maybe Maybe I pick me.
Oh, OK.
No. To be fair, that's a very good idea.
Why not be my own model?
Yeah. It feels like something
I should have always done.
You saying you're questioning
your gender?
Corinne, I know you want
a friend of every single letter
of the LGBT umbrella.
I'm just saying that men
can look cute in skirts, no?
You're talking to a Scot, babe.
It's called kilt. Ms Gahamire?
Yes.
What the fuck?
Look, I'm sorry to take over,
but I have to redesign,
alter and expand all of these
garments to fit me.
And I've got 36 hours to do it.
I mean, I used to sew my name into
my PE kit when I was a kid.
Do you want a hand?
Yes, please. Thank you.
Where's Corinne? She could help.
No, no, she's in her room.
She, um
She's feeling a little bit poorly.
Oh, look who it is.
The stalker.
Any gay Tim info?
No, but I found out he has
a date tomorrow,
so trying to figure out
a way to spy on that.
Jack, you're actually starting
to worry me.
I've just been to see my cousin
in prison,
and you would not last five minutes
in there.
All right, they ain't got Wi-Fi
or tiger bread.
Jack, I'm trying to make my dream collection.
And your table tennis table is literally
getting in the way of that. Literally.
But there's nowhere else it can go.
Then take it back from whence
it came.
This shed has youth club vibes
enough already.
Thank you very much.
Oh, this could give me a reason to
go back to Tim's tomorrow.
You're obsessed.
I knew when you told me
you don't want to go home tonight
And you tried to just shrug
it off when I asked why
Somebody hurt you,
somebody hurt you
But you're here by my side
And I knew
Cos I can recall when
I was the one in your seat
I've still got the scars
and they occasionally bleed
Cos somebody hurt me,
somebody hurt me
But I'm staying alive
And I can tell
When you get nervous
You think being yourself
Means being unworthy
And it's hard to love
With a heart that's hurting
But if you want to go out dancing
I know a place ♪
And there Tim was, having a romantic
meal with a boy.
And her.
Hello. How can I help you, Jack?
Yeah. This table.
Um, yeah. Sadly, it's not for me.
Well, I'm not going to take it back.
OK?
Right. Um
Fair enough.
Can I use your loo?
Can you not? OK.
And, um what's going on here?
Goodbye, Jack.
OK. Cool. See ya.
Hey, guys.
Is that Spencer?
Yes, that is Spencer.
She's dumped me!
Nice to meet you, guys.
That's why she's been in her room.
Oh, God. I hate breaking up
with people.
Yeah, it's a lot.
You know, I had to leave my ex
because she was addicted
to online shopping.
I mean, I was down the post office
so much returning her parcels,
I ended up shagging the girl
on the Bureau de Change.
You're so feisty!
Do you understand the English
I speak in this house?
What did I say?
No table.
Look, I just pushed it on a
four-mile round trip to see Tim
with a guy and a girl.
So I still don't know
if he's fucking gay.
Good.
Danny told me about your little escapade.
So let me tell you something, Jack.
It's actually none of your business
what someone else's sexuality is.
Yeah, I know, but
There are no buts, Jack.
I was outed by a lady from my church
who just saw me having a drink
with a guy, then ran to go
and tell our pastor.
Oh, yeah.
So, no, we don't go uncovering,
no matter what stupid crushes
we have.
You're right.
It's like me in Year 7,
you know, when I used to chat
up the sixth formers. What?
I think you were going
for someone you knew
you couldn't have so you wouldn't
get hurt, you know?
But you do, right?
Lindsay Hawkins.
OK.
Sorry, Yemi.
The worst part is you've actually
completely upstaged my outfit reveal.
Oh. Come on. Come on!
I know a place
Whoa!
Yes!
You look beautiful.
..just lay down their weapon,
lay down your weapon ♪
Although maybe
we lose the sunglasses.
Look a bit like Jimmy Saville.
Corinne, Corinne. What?
Hey, Corinne! Oh, Jesus.
I know I fucked up, so I'm here
to show you
that I still believe in us.
Oh, no. He's not going to do
a poem, is he?
I can't watch this.
In this city of chicken bones
and mobile phones
You and me are meant to be
a cacophony of chemistry
I'm sorry, I still see among these
skyscraper lined streets
Skyscrapers?
We're in fucking Zone 6.
So I plead to thee
That we'll never flee
I don't see you and me condemned
to history
Spencer Please believe
in this city
Spencer. Yes.
Fuck off.
Rockin' around the Christmas tree
At the Christmas party hop ♪
Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
Are you all right? Yeah.
Oh, I'm going to get in my
jimmy-jams too.
Go on, then, do it.
My mum also got you matching pyjamas
for Christmas
so you could stay and not be on your
tod at your nan's flat.
But you said you had something
you needed to do.
You all right, Dad?
All right, son?
Voices singing let's be jolly
[BABY MUSICAL BOX FINISHES MELODY]
Whoa!
Hello, hello, hello.
Ah?
I'd give the bathroom five mins
cos a hot bath always makes me want
to go.
Have you moved into my room?
OK, here we go. All right.
Well, listen, me and Nan
kept falling out, OK?
You have fucked off.
And Peggy's quite lonely, so,
ta-da!
I've been here three weeks.
Shannon! We went and bought mum
an iPhone
WHISPERS: iPhone for Christmas last
Tuesday. You didn't mention it.
I forgot! I've got you a lovely
airbed off the Argos catalogue.
Merry Christmas to you.
But I did want to show you these.
Oh, Shan!
Oh, this is so cool.
Isn't it?
Can you scan those for me
at your fancy uni library,
so I can put them on Facey B in HD?
Sweet.
Oh.
We've recently moved
your grandmother up a floor
as her condition has worsened.
Right.
Is she?
Merry Christmas to you, too.
Do you want to spend the day? ♪
Hello, Nan.
A day in the water ♪
It's me.
When nothing hurts your skin. ♪
Look, I've got you some
nice flowers.
Do you want to know?
Do you want to feel the sun? ♪
Your nighty looks nice, doesn't it?
You ain't got
any porridge down it this time.
It's a start.
Do you want know?
Deeper, and the deeper,
and the deeper
And the deeper that I go
Softer, I get softer,
I get softer
I get softer, I don't know
Father, oh, father, oh, father
oh, father, let me go
I don't want no more
I hear them talking about it
It sounds like the same old song
I see they worry about it
I'm so far ago,
they can't be wrong
I know it's obvious
I'm flying from what I can see
So let me be
Let me
Do you want to spend a day? ♪