Birdgirl (2021) s02e03 Episode Script

1
And now your CEO,
Judy Ken Sebben.
When I first took over
Sebben & Sebben,
I vowed to lead us
into the 21st century
to lead through innovation
and revolutionary products.
Yeah, but, uh,
those ideas sucked.
- Human waste!
- Yeah, yeah, they did.
But where are we
if we don't try?
Please stop doing that.
Board members,
I give you the FL(I),
our next product
that doesn't suck.
Hello. If you've ever doubted
you can be happy
or that Sebben & Sebben
can make a successful product,
we'd like to change your mind
with FL(I).
- Judy?
- Loosen up, will ya?
What's FL(I), you ask?
Well, the inspiration's
right next to me.
To my left.
Meredith is the most
high-functioning person I know.
Her brain filters out the negative,
leaving her
in a state of total calm.
Not like this dumpster fire.
Guys, I'm using self-deprecation
to seem relatable.
We built these prototypes
to test in-house.
Each FL(I) is powered
by a fragment
- of Mere's mindtaker powers.
- Boy-oop!
Nobody likes me.
The negative thought is taken
by those powers
and turned into something better.
I'm unique and special.
As a young mindtaker,
other people's thoughts
were overwhelming.
I was obsessed with them,
controlled by them
till I learned
to take my own mind.
I guess you could say
this project is important to me.
To us.
And now you can stop
looking at me
and us.
What the [bleep] was that?
- Hey! ♪
- Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God ♪
Who's the girl
that saves the world? ♪
Hey! ♪
Oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God ♪
Birdgirl!
They liked it!
They really liked it.
You really know
how to handle the board.
All human relations, really.
It's kind of creepy.
Am I saying "really" a lot?
Not really.
Oh, and it's not me.
It's my secret weapon
my Leadership Stick!
I got it when I went
to New Zealand to visit
that remote Maori village
on QVC.
God, I love hotel TV.
Anytime I succeed,
it's because of the Stick.
Anytime I fail,
it's my own fault.
- Wow.
- Mm-hmm.
Lot to unpack there.
I'd be a wreck without her.
Her name's "Bith,"
which is "Beth" in New Zealand.
Hold her.
Feel the power of Bith.
Would love to,
but we need to divide
and conquer to launch this baby.
Then we meet for lunch.
Salad! Salad.
Did I lose you with salad?
I know that's a trigger word.
No, no, that's all great.
But I actually have a thing.
Mind your own beeswax, Hank.
- A Sebbentown thing.
- I thought we destroyed it.
We did.
But then we rebuilt it,
which you'll
be stumbling across
in next quarter's
earnings report.
You've been spending money
that's not ours again. Yay.
Something major's
going down there,
and I feel kind of responsible
since they have a statue
of me and we blew
some of their limbs off.
They were definitely asking for it.
Think maybe you can launch
the FL(I) on your own
in addition
to your normal work duties
- and also some of mine?
- Um, sure.
I mean, you are the half of
the team who talks to people
and drives things with your
limitless energy and terrifying title,
but if this Sebbentown thing
is really that important
Hank! Beeswax!
Ooh!
You stopped talking. Great.
You can borrow Bith,
guaranteed to make you
an awesome leader
or my money back.
Yeah, thanks, but no.
- I think I'll fly this one solo.
- Right.
You don't need anyone's help,
especially mine.
- I'll just drag you down.
- Totally. Dumpster fire.
You. Obviously.
You sure you don't
want me to stay?
It seems like
you want me to stay.
If that's what it seems like,
it's not what it seems.
So you want me to stay?
Do you want to stay?
- Yes.
- No.
- No.
- Yes.
Birdgirl!
Hey! I need your John Hancock
on these SEC forms,
and I'm transferring a bunch of Judy's
appointments to your MindCal.
And synched.
Unified field, unified force.
Judy hates that, too.
I need your Ollie Wolcott
on a B-day card
for Sarah
from Social Responsibility.
- My what? For whom?
- Sarah. She guards
the expectant mothers
parking space.
You know, gets a lot of money
on towing fees.
This sounds like
a Judy problem.
It's not a problem.
It's a birthday.
Oh, were your
birthdays problems?
Let's get into it.
Oh, good.
You're on video.
I scheduled your bathroom
break for an hour ago,
and your CEO office hours
start in 15 minutes.
You can sign right between
the hugging dinosaurs.
Nothing sexual.
1-5, One-fiver.
I left 2 minutes wiggle room.
Gillian, I missed
the bathroom break,
and tell the employees
I'm running late,
and, Paul, we're pushing
the B.D. to next Tuesday.
Ooh! Tuesday's when Judy
now you
runs urine tests.
She's very hands-on.
How's Wednesday?
Push a birthday?
You are a monster!
Thursday it is.
She was more beautiful
than thy first love
but now lies under boards.
That's it the last bit
of Baltimo on Earth.
Except for what's still
in the mines, right?
God damn it!
Forgot about that.
You better get up there
and blow up what's left
before some Erin Brockotits
sniffs it out.
Brockotits
She in marketing?
Take the white Festiva
in spot for 422.
Festiva?
Wait.
I-Is this a Birdteam mission?
I have no idea
what you're talking about.
Nor, alas, do I care.
I'm on the Birdteam.
New personal record.
Oh, my God, I can't
believe I gained 2 pounds this week.
I hope that no one notices.
Why did I get my mom's body?!
Millions of years of evolution
shaped my body
for optimal fecundity.
I am perfect.
Oh, God, is that a gray?
Are people creeped out by me?
No, Paul,
you're a necessary discomfort
for the sake of growth.
That's right.
Breathe.
Oh, my God.
I'll never have a vaginal orgasm.
Even Lady Diana needed
clitoral stimulation.
But at least she was a squirter.
Hello, Brian.
Welcome to the 1993 Ford
Festiva with a GL sport package.
You'll notice a bomb
in the rear compartment.
Rear compartment
Back seat.
Press the red button to activate it.
Before you press the button,
I've allowed you 2 minutes
since that's the time it took me
to exit the car,
pop the back seat,
and locate the adjuster bar.
As long as you follow
my timing,
the bomb's set
to perfectly explode.
What if I have to go
number one and a half?
So that's how the Birdteam
does it in a canister.
Nobody but you
does it in a canister.
Huh.
It's working!
Yeah, yeah, it is,
but I'm keeping my eye
on a few hotspots.
I hate humanity.
Wait till you hit your 20s.
Board meeting
in less than a minute.
But
I don't talk in front of people.
- That's Judy's jam.
- You do now.
My jam is to make fun of them
in my head while she's talking.
And you're presenting
this quarter's projections.
You better
get-a-typin' there.
You gonna eat that?
Sorry I'm a tad late.
Uh, just pulling up
the old presentation,
which, of course,
I finished already.
Can we, uh, get to the actuals
and year-to-date projections?
Actuals, huh?
Says here some thoughts
aren't getting
fixed.
Your system's at or near capacity.
We dealing with that?
Uh Yes, we are
addressing those concerns
with
our new concierge service
is what it's called, and, uh
w-where we I
will personally filter
the users' thoughts
for them s-so easily.
Boy-oop!
Mindtake override.
Hey!
Are you bypassing the system
so all the red-liners
go directly through your mind?
Yeah.
Is that a bad idea?
- Nope!
- Ha! An upcharge.
This is bullshit!
That's him as the consumer.
Oh, gross! I'm sweating?!
Oof!
Birdgirl thank God!
Oh.
Where have you been?
If it's an emergency,
there are faster ways
of communicating.
Maybe try texting next time.
Oh, good.
She didn't do the Sudoku.
Brockotits, Brockotits
I know that name.
Now, Brian, I'm imagining right about now
you're feeling a little peckish.
But whatever you do,
don't stop for the pastrami.
Welcome,
my road-weary friend!
Allow us to make
your visit magical.
That shit is pretty magical.
One pastrami,
two sweet teas to go.
Excellent choice.
Well, are you sure
we can't tempt you to
dine in?
And, Brian, if you do stop,
don't dine in.
Sure.
Something near the stage.
$15 reward for information
leading to the location of Meredith.
Contact Paul not R
in the lobby.
Concierge service.
Nice one, Mere.
Nun-unh!
Only Judy crosses
that threshold.
Shut up.
I need something in her office.
- What?
- I need the Leadership Stick,
and I need it now, Gillian.
Where is she?
Ooh, ooh!
I may have some idea.
- She's getting her legs reshaven.
- That's a sexist first guess.
Oh. She's eating wings
even though she told us
- she was vegan this week.
- We really doing this?
- She's with Psychic Susan.
- Nope.
- She's shorting stock.
- No.
- She's cracking a cold case.
- Not.
- She's putting in time on the speed bag.
- What?
- She's getting both her lazy eyes fixed.
- You're a pervert.
- She's getting her captain's license.
- Mnh-mnh.
- She's getting her third mole removed.
- Half a mole.
She's taking modeling classes
at John Robert Powers
so she can be
on "America's Top Model."
Everyone, Meredith
acting CEO in name only
will be able to answer
all your questions.
This isn't over, Pinky.
I warned them.
And now it's come to pass.
4:30?
Goddamn.
I should be home by now.
Ms. Concierge?
- Yes?
- One of the VIPs took her FL(I)
home and is now
having night terrors.
Wild guess.
Denise from finance?
She wasn't supposed
to bring her FL(I) home.
Switch the feed. Try "cuddling
with cat on futon."
I did. Now I'm running
"Folksy antique store."
Nothing's working.
Connecting you.
What'll get me first
the melanoma
or that son of a bitch David?
I'm sure he gave me cancer!
He's secretly trying to kill me!
Whoa!
Denise 651, chill.
Maybe David will get the melanoma.
Ever think of that?
I need Stick!
Not to be that guy,
but I'm a little concerned
about your reliance
on single-use plastics.
I'm gonna be that guy.
Imagine a fork in a dolphin.
I always recycle.
It's part of my weltanschauung.
But it isn't recycled.
It's put on a cargo ship
that endlessly
sails around the world
because no one wants
our garbage anymore!
But it's not garbage.
It's recycling, Paul.
Well, tell that to an exaltation
of turtles, Single Use!
Just need another 6 inches.
And we have launch.
I'm not attacking you.
That's just my walnutschlong.
I didn't say
you were attacking me.
I said I felt attacked.
Clearly, you've never been
to family therapy.
It's you and me, Bith.
You're late for conflict mediation
with Mandy and Lyle in 4-A,
apple.
Every day there's a storm,
worse than the one before.
Snow in July.
Huh.
- This isn't snow. It's
- It's a variant of Baltimo.
Highly addictive.
You can't eat it.
I think we've established that.
But who'd want to
once you find out
how fun it is to snort it?
Really harsh comedown,
which is why
to never stop doing it.
Whoo!
We've got to trace
the source of this.
The EMF's spiking.
- Baltimo readings through the roof.
- The sewers.
- Oh, we don't have sewers.
- Just shit ponds.
Those are access shafts
to the old Baltimo mine.
We could follow those, and they might
lead to something
approaching a solution.
Why'd you wink?
I'm flirting.
We did equal work
rewriting the user manual,
but Mandy's taking 100% of
the credit like she always does.
- I hate you so very deeply.
- Screw you! Screw you! Screw you!
I think
we're getting somewhere!
How do you work
this G.D. thing?
I haven't peed in 24 hours,
and I've been holding in
a fart since this morning,
which is really impressive
because I had oatmeal.
Oops!
Sorry.
I thought I was calling Paul R.
Well, unfortunately,
we are cash-only.
And, Brian, if you do dine in,
make sure you have cash.
I don't usually do this,
but I'm, well
I'm part of the Birdteam.
Naturally, you've heard of us,
but you'll deny it, of course.
I'm on a VIP secret mission.
The Champagne Room of missions,
if you will.
So what say you forgive
my small debt
in exchange for a selfie
and a shout-out on my Insta?
I wish you hadn't said that.
Now I have no choice.
You will have to dance it off
like the rest of them!
Boy-oop!
Boy-oop!
Come on, Judy, pick up.
Mere! How's tricks?
Super.
Just out of curiosity
no big deal
when were you planning
to come back?
What?
Reception's so bad up here.
Quick follow-up.
How do you use Bith?
One sec.
Nothing fits!
Denise, hold. Judy
- You're needed at reception.
- Excuse me? Miss?
Can you mix patterns?
I wouldn't.
Sorry. Who's this?
Everyone, shut up.
I can't think.
Get down here!
They're tonguing each other!
They're tonguing each other!
This is a sight to witness!
Hey, paws off, guys.
Last I checked, Birdgirl
was on Sebbentown time.
Mere? Mere!
I can't do this.
- Ow!
- Find somebody else
to touch your back fat!
And now a treat that's sure
to delight and arouse.
Ladies,
make noise with your hands
and those mouths for Brian,
the Handsy Boss!
I hope the stripper
isn't grossed out by me.
Did I powder today?
They're all so weak,
so spiteful, so pitiful.
A little smelly.
I can't handle this.
Did I powder today?
Aah!
I can't turn off this much!
100% pure Baltimo.
Pure poison.
- It's so beautiful.
- Please don't snort that.
He's gone.
The blob
it's highly unstable.
That's no blob.
It's an egg,
and it's about to crack.
We don't have much time.
But we do have this.
- Okay, that's cool.
- It's a late birthday present.
You really are
hard to shop for.
The whole system's melting down!
It's what we always feared.
I can't believe I'm about to say
this, but we need Birdgirl.
I'm part of the problem.
I use recyclable straw!
Ugh!
Where are the bird-suits again?
People think I smell
like I wear a corset!
Stop!
It's him. He's back.
Wait for me in the Festiva.
Ronnie, you know what to do.
Hello, old friend.
Never ask
what happened in there.
Let's just say your debt is paid.
I am born again.
Something that wants to
destroy our very way of life
is about to come out of that mine.
We must fight to survive.
Who's with me?
8-Balt to the first 10 volunteers.
What the actual [bleep]?
Um, Birdgirl,
for your to-do list,
how about you teach one of us
how to fly this thing?
What is that?
Whatever that is can wait.
Judy, Mere needs you.
Oh, my God, Mere.
Should've used the Leadership Stick.
I do feel awful about what the
company has done to your town.
Again.
But I must go now
and leave you in the capable
hands of the Birdteam
who will protect you
until I return.
Get behind us, people!
Yes, people. Do that.
I shall return!
Cut. Birdgirl's left
Sebbentown air space.
We're clear. Cut.
No wonder she left.
Your act two break was horrible.
You went to all this trouble
to create a fake
Birdgirl adventure?
Hilarious.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You're amused?
We blew the town pension on
Maldon and coc-a-ine balls.
She'd come up here
for a bag of bagels.
Guess we could've used
prop drugs.
You had one job.
To create a world where Birdgirl
was forever our savior
and us her loyal followers
as God and nature intended,
but you blew it.
Yeah, I'm not sure Birdgirl
will see the charm in this.
Maybe we don't mention it to her
if and when we see her again.
Hey, Meredith, Sarah's
birthday's in 10 minutes,
and I just wanted to
let you know we have
everything we need except
your [bleep] John Hancock!
Okay, I'm out the door.
Make it stop.
Make it stop.
I got you, Mere.
I got you.
Password "Salad" approved.
FL(I) system shutting down.
- What's going on?
- Oh, Mere, honey, I'm so sorry.
I had no idea you needed me,
like, really needed me,
and I wasn't here for you.
I did ask, in a non-asking way.
Guess I expected you to notice,
but you didn't because
you're a dumpster fire
and so am I, I guess.
I hate your job, Jude.
And you're the only one
who can do it.
It's just a stick.
Your real Leadership Stick
is in here.
Oh, God.
You just snapped her in
It's okay, it's okay.
Wait, what happened with
the Sebbentown thing?
That wasn't important.
Well, it kinda was.
A lot of people died, I think.
Way to make me feel bad.
I'll make it up to
them, and you. Always do.
There's one thing
I have to do first.
And that's why women
shouldn't be CEOs.
Hey!
Who is the girl
that saves the world? ♪
Hey! Birdgirl!
Wings of fire, unique like pearls ♪
Hey! Birdgirl!
Who's the one they can't defeat? ♪
Hey! Birdgirl!
Ultra fierce, and it's all you need ♪
Hey! Birdgirl!
Hey!
Birdgirl!