Black Comedy (2014) s02e03 Episode Script

1 (Eerie music plays on TV) (Mobile phone rings) It's a private number.
Wait! Don't answer it! You don't know who it could be.
Who could it have been? The bank? Debt collectors? No.
Something far, far more evil.
Like who? Centrelink.
OK.
I've turned it off.
It's not that easy.
My Uncle Roy, he had a private number call him once.
Thought he could ignore it.
All day and all night, it just kept ringing.
Didn't stop.
What happened? One day he answered it and we never saw him again.
(Mobile phone rings) Julie I thought you said your phone was off.
Yeah.
I'm gonna answer it.
Don't.
Don't you ever answer a private number! I have to answer it! It just keeps ringing! Arggh! (Mobile phone rings) (Dramatic music builds) Hello.
WOMAN, ON PHONE: This is Janice from Centrelink.
Arggh! (Phone rings) Bastard! Welcome to Blackfella Superstitious Solutions.
How can I help you? WOMAN, ON PHONE: Yeah, hi.
I cut my hair last night and apparently you're not supposed to do that, so I'm just calling for confirmation.
What do you mean 'at night'? You didn't actually cut it at night? Well, it was dark, so, yeah, I guess you would say night.
Uh, excuse me for a moment.
Hair! Oh! Are you frigging kidding me?! What was going through that newly trimmed head of yours? I got confused.
What do you mean 'confused'? Are you black? Yeah, I am.
But I thought it was whistling - that you couldn't whistle at night.
Well, of course you can't! There's a whole heap of shit you can't do at night.
You can't whistle, you can't use a broom, and you most certainly can't cut your friggin' hair! What do I do? How do I fix it? You can't fix it! You're fucked! Did you clean up your hair? Please tell me you cleaned up your hair.
Yeah, of course I did.
I knew that part.
Never leave your hair laying around.
Oh, God, what am I gonna do? Why the shit did I have to buy those clippers? Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down there, Nelly, and back it up a bit! Did you just say 'clippers'? Yeah, I bought them yesterday.
They were on sale.
I used them to clipper my hair.
Oh, you silly bastard! Then you got nothing to worry about.
It's only if you use scissors.
Clippers don't count.
So, I don't have anything to worry about? Not a thing.
Now, get the fuck out of here and stop wasting my time.
Oh! Thank you, brother.
You've saved my life! Humph! Don't thank me, thank your clippers.
MAN, VOICEOVER: In the Aboriginal community, coconut-based offences are considered especially heinous.
The dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious atrocities are members of an elite squad known as the Special Coconut Unit.
The people are real, the cases are real.
The blacks are not.
These are their stories.
WOMAN: Wise up now, bruz.
You knew when you joined the unit that you'd see some things that would upset you.
This is the only way you'll adapt.
Thanks, brother boys.
We'll take it from here.
Bullshit, Graham.
We were here first.
This is ours.
You think you're King Dick around Listen here, right? I was cracking coconuts while you were still a snot-nosed chico baby.
This is SCU jurisdiction - you know it and I know it.
So, you and your girlfriend here get out of my crime scene, get back out on the street, or I'll have you back at the co-op mixing cordial for the Elders' next luncheon! Cordial?! It's not worth it, bruz.
Yeah, that's right - I'm not worth it.
I AM it! You little shit-kickers have been living off the rep we built in the '80s.
Eh? We did real Blakforce work! We put the 'black' and 'force' in Blakforce with capital 'B', 'K', 'F'.
Buh-la-K-FOR-ce! Now, get out of here.
Go on, get! Later, bruz.
Well, well, well.
Look what we got here.
Got a Code 42, 57, and a 93B.
Yeah.
What's that? Gentrification with intent to assimilate, profiting from coconut activities, and thinking he's deadly when he's not.
Dog! Why did you join SCU? I wanted to make a difference, and I joined I know who you are and I know what you do.
You wouldn't be here if I didn't want you here.
I asked you why.
'Cause I'm sick of these coconuts making us look like dickheads! (Laughs) Is that right? Shit! I didn't think they made blackfellas like you anymore.
So, something like this wouldn't bother you? What's this? It's a cheese knife.
It only cuts cheese.
(Aerosol hisses) Arggh! (Laughs) It's sandalwood.
It's his calling card.
So, what we're looking at here is the work of the Renovator.
The Renovator? Mmm.
Look at this place! Fully furnished and ready to go on the market.
What's sick is that he's paid for everything.
None of this is on finance.
What?! Look, bruz, this is the third residence in two months.
The cooling-off period is getting shorter.
He's got the taste for it, and he's not gonna stop making things better for himself until we stop him.
Right, bruz? Let's go crack this coconut.
Oooh! Ah! (Mobile phone rings) (Sighs) Eyah, slut! What, slut? I'm ringing to apologise.
(Huffs) Who's this? Oh, you know who this is! Oh, Big Budhoo Troy.
Nothing even happened! Oh, what's that? I can't even hear you over all the sloppy noises your hole is making! Nothing even happened! Oh! What is it you want, anyway? I'm trying to work.
I have a a surprise for you.
Oh! What surprise? (Doorbell rings) That better not be you at the door! I hate sluts coming to my house! Where's Big Budhoo Troy? Oh! Well, probably playing with his big budhoo.
Oh, so, you didn't poke, then? That's what I was trying to say.
Well, you want to try harder.
You wouldn't let me.
Oh, I'm letting you! Well, let me take you out, then.
Oh! Take me where? Where do you want to go? Somewhere that cost a lot of money.
How much money? Biggest mob money! Can you afford me? What's this, then, slut? (Gasps) What's this, then, slut? I thought I was paying for it, slut.
I know, slut.
Well, let's just go, then, slut.
OK, slut! Move, sluts! My man taking me out! Oh! (Sighs) This is so confusing.
What? This this question 2.
Let's take a rest for a little bit.
So, do do you like stuff? What was that? Uh, I have to go! I'll see you tomorrow.
OK! I'm going! GRAHAM: Listen, just make it happen.
Yeah, make it happen! What was that about? Squad car.
Here's your long black.
But what did you want me to buy the soy decaf latte for? You're gonna drink it.
(Laughs) Yeah, that was a good one, that was a good one.
To catch a coconut, you gotta live like a coconut, think like a coconut.
Now, drink it.
Nah! I joined the division to stop this shit.
I'm not drinking this! This is not an option, Detective Nathan! Now, drink.
You're fucking serious, aren't you? Yeah.
Drink it.
That's it.
Knock it back, bruz.
You feel that? That's the soy in your system.
Whoo! (Laughs) (Gags) My brother! Hey! Let's have some tunes.
RADIO: SOFT ROCK Oh! What's what's this?! Turn it off! Oh, this is Oh, no! (Coughs) You gotta desensitise.
Oh, I feel sick! This is wrong! (Coughs) (Two-way radio chatter) Car 173.
We're on it.
(Coughs) What was that? Another house.
Dad? Yes, son? Do you know how we saw we're black? Yes, son? Why do we say we're black when we're actually brown? And why do we call white people 'white' if they're actually pink? They're more of a peach, don't you reckon? Yeah.
Yeah.
So, guys, the new brief has come through, and it's a tricky one.
We've been asked to rebrand Aboriginal.
Come again? Aboriginality apparently needs an overhaul because it's dated.
It's old.
It's trying to sell, but nobody's buying it.
Selling Aboriginal - I mean, that's like advertising suicide.
If we can sell Aboriginals, we can sell anything.
True.
So, ideas.
Come at me.
Consumer-created content's really big right now.
What if we could get people to, like, upload a video with hashtag 'favourite Aboriginal' for their chance to win Win what? (Sighs) No idea.
Fake viral video.
Yeah, spreads through social media like wildfire.
Maximum growth.
Bam, easy.
Yeah, so, we did a search on most commonly used Aboriginal terms.
We got a lot of Abo memes and videos of people fighting Aboriginal people on trains.
Alright, alright, so, steer clear of anything linked to reality.
Correct! That's right.
What about black? It's the new black! Yeah, look, I wanna be blunt with you there.
The market research has come back and it just seems that the most common issue with the feedback, it's, um it is the colour.
Yeah, black.
It's just it's not selling.
People don't like it.
Nothing good ever came in a black package, let's be honest.
Yep.
So, no more black.
If we're gonna sell Aboriginality, we need to steer clear of the whole colour thing.
So, we've got to stick with the concept of Aboriginality.
Yeah, exactly, exactly - the concept.
So, let's think Aboriginal! What do you think of when you think Aboriginal? Well, they like the outdoors.
Eugh! (Clicks tongue) Makes people think of parks.
They're friendly.
Yeah, when they're asking for money.
Oldest living civilisation! Boring! (Groans) Oh! Oh, oh, oh! We get a spokesperson, yeah? Someone to speak on behalf of the Aboriginal people.
Cathy Freeman? Dated.
That's, like, 15 years ago.
What have you done for us lately, Cath? Adam Goodes! Too threatening with the Mmm, yeah, look, these are all good, but I think at the end of the day, they're just not white enough.
Well, the only reason Aboriginal people are black is because other people are white.
It's instantly separating.
That's true.
Yeah, so, perhaps what we need to do is combine Aboriginality and white as one.
So, when you think Aboriginal, you think white.
Yes! Yes, exactly, but not just white.
They think they think cool! They think sexy, fun, fresh, new.
Aspirational! White - it's the new black.
I like that! Oh, I like it.
Aboriginal.
(All laugh) DANCE MUSIC Aboriginal.
So what do you think? Look at this place.
Immaculate! He's taunting us.
I'll be fucked.
(Sniffs) What's that smell? It's new paint and sawdust.
This place is fresh.
(Sniffs) Here - Vicks.
Put some under your nose and rub some on your chest.
You sound like you're coming down with a cold.
Nah, I know sawdust and paint, but this this is something else.
(Sniffs) No Lucozade, no Mylanta.
Nothing but soy milk and this green shit.
(Spits) That's kale.
I've only heard about this.
That is one sick coconut.
(Sniffs) (Power tools whirr) Arggh! Who do you work for?! I I Who do you work for? Oh, uh Don't go play-ing games with me! I am not to be toyed with.
Now who do you work OK, OK! Stop slapping the shit out of me! He calls himself Ron - Ron Vader! He only calls me for jobs.
I've never met him! All I can tell you is he sounds Detective Nathan, you've proven your point.
We can't pinch him for doing his job.
He sounds kind of like Shut up, scumbag! He's not the king coconut.
He's just the husk.
So, Ginny I hear there was a bit of an incident at bingo the other day.
Oh, you mean with Jane Arsehole Bitch Kerrigan? Ooh-ah! Why, what happened? Hang on, who Jane Arsehole Bitch Kerrigan? Oh, you know.
That arsehole bitch who slept with my dear Pete three years before he died.
Oh, that was 25 years ago! Well, that makes 30! And she's as much of an arsehole bitch now as she was back then.
Well, what happened? Well, you know I go to bingo every day except Monday.
Why not Monday? Oh, come on! I'm not greedy! Oh, I love your self-control, Ginny.
Oh, I know.
Anyway, I go to bingo on Saturday, and who should be there? Arsehole bitch? Yeah! Decides to turn up with a group of slut friends.
I think they're from a church group, so they shouldn't even be gambling in the first place.
Well, don't you go to church? Do you wanna hear the story or not? Yes.
Sorry, Ginny.
Go on.
Well, here I am, a devout bingo player, and up turns Jane Arsehole Bitch Kerrigan and her slut friends - all of whom, I might add, never come to bingo - ever! Gigglin' and carryin' on about how they don't know what they're doing, distracting us serious players.
Anyway, listening to their shit for three hours, what should happen? That novice mole, she wins the major jackpot! (Dramatic music) On one sheet! I was not happy, Marcia! I was not happy.
I can see why, Ginny.
So what happened? Well, after she collected her winnings, I went up to her and I told her.
I said, 'If you were truly sorry for sleeping with my dear Pete all those years ago, ' she'd go halves in her winnings.
And what'd she say to that? Nah! Said she'd paid her dues after she helped pay for Pete's funeral as an apology! Oooh, I forgot about that.
But youse were right after that, eh? Oh, we were, until that bitch won my jackpot! Jeez, you're deadly, Ginny.
More people should have morals like you.
(Both tut) I don't think I'm cut out for this, Aunty.
I may as well go kill myself.
Here, knock off! Don't go talking like that.
Nah.
This is next level.
I don't think I'm cut out for it.
What you need is a two-piece feed, bruz.
You got that soy in your system.
You're not thinkin' straight.
You know that coconuts kill more people than pit bulls? It's in the nature of the coconut to fall and it's our job to protect the people.
We're like the helmet of the community.
Now, you think about that.
I'm gonna go back here and get us a feed and you think about whether you want to be a helmet or you want someone dead on a beach.
(Car door slams, mobile phone chimes) Graham, your phone! 'Perkies Hardware, two-day renovation sale this weekend.
' Sandalwood? It's Graham! Graham's the coconut! Oh! I've just been hit by a car.
Well, now you know how Aboriginal people feel! Oh! Dad? Yes, son? Would I look funny if I had short hair? I don't know, son.
Ask your Uncle Jimmy.
Uh maybe later.
Yeah, good idea, son.
Yeah.
Oi! Freezing my tits off up here, bruz.
They've shrivelled up like an old jujube berry.
What you gonna drag me up here for? It's you.
You coconut! Here, don't go talking like that, now.
You respect your elders! Why? Why what? You're not right, cuz.
You're still feeling that soy.
Come down to the smoko room, eh? I saw the photos on your phone and the quotes from the tradies.
You had the fucking sandalwood in the fucking car, Aunt! Why?! Why?! 'Cause I wanted more! Haven't you wanted more? Not when it comes to community, Aunty.
You've gone too far.
You were the best.
Everyone talked about you.
We all wanted to be you! I've been cracking coconuts for ten years - ten frigging years - what have I got to show for it? A bloody polo shirt from an AGM conference.
You got too greedy.
How many houses are there? Friggin' heaps! I got a duplex townhouse on the go right now! A duplex, bra! This is first-degree gentrification.
This is serious.
Your proof of Aboriginality is gonna be taken away for a long time and they're gonna pull your black card from you.
(Chuckles) Is that so big shot? Well, hero, who's gonna believe you? It's your word against mine, and you've got soy in your system, rookie.
Yeah, well, actually, it's your word against yours.
(Button clicks) GRAHAM, ON RECORDING: I got a duplex townhouse on the go right now! A duplex, bra (Button clicks) You dirty little so-and-so.
If it wasn't for me, you black bastards would be selling dot paintings at the market.
You'd be working at the co-op! Yeah, that's right - youth program.
You'd be driving those friggin' kids to the ice-skating rink every school holiday! Bugger that! Bridging the Gap ain't got nothing on me.
Get your hands off me! This ain't the end, Nathan.
There's a whole system dedicated to letting me go! I'll get a job network provider and I'll get back on! You'll see! You'll keep! Take her away, boys.
Yeah, I'm not frightened! You bring your mother and your sister! I'll fight youse all! Don't you know who I am?! I'm Graham! Detective Graham! (Graham shouts indistinctly) And Graham - where is she? She's still in interrogation.
She hasn't said a word.
Really? She's a hard coconut to crack.
Alright, brother, thanks.
Graham.
Nathan.
You know that you can get every episode of Scrubs inside? Small victory, considering Grey's Anatomy is contraband.
And I'm not imagining the sheets are going to have a three-figure thread count.
Got something to show you.
Two-piece feed, aunt.
Your favourite.
I'm on a paleo diet.
(Laughs) It's gonna take more than a two-piece feed, bruz! (Laughs) (Door slams) (Sniffs) Oooh! (Laughs)