Black Dynamite (2009) s02e03 Episode Script

2x03 - Warriors Come Out or Mean Queens of Halloween He's Dynamite So Dynamite Ooohhh, ooohhh Ooohhh, aaahhh He's Dynamite Dy-no, Dy-no Ooohhh, ooohhh Ooohhhh Dynamite! Dynamite! This week _ Rondell? Rondell? Rondell?! - Motherless and fatherless orphans?! - Trick or treat! Damn, it's just parented kids.
Have y'all seen a group of orphans about child height, walking with a skinny half-pimp with a perm? Come on! You had to see them.
They where dressed up like a bunch of little bigfoots, goblins, vampires, and [bleep.]
, sorta like y'all and all - the other kids running around here.
- Man, [bleep.]
your orphans.
Now either you gonna give us some candy, or we TPing this - whole [bleep.]
whorephanage! - Foolish kid trick-or-treater! You done [bleep.]
up now! Ah, suey! Okay, I'm only gonna ask you one more again.
Now, I'm looking for some orphans walking around with a skinny half-pimp with a perm.
- Have you seen them?! - Move, Black Dynamite.
I got this.
Here you go, kids.
Hmm, that's strange.
I could have sworn we had a whole bowl of - I know this negro didn't.
- At least I left the candy corns and the suckers for these suckers! But y'all should know not to leave chocolate round me, 'cause - I will eat that mother [bleep.]
- Damn the suckers and candy corns! We need to be focused on orphans and Cream Corn.
Now it's two minutes past their curfew, and they still ain't here yet.
That's them! Frank the John, ain't you a little too old for treats? Man, you know you can't trick my [bleep.]
with no treats.
- I just want some [bleep.]
- I'm sorry, Frank the John.
Come on in.
- Girls, your trick is here! - I think something happened to them, Honey Bee.
And the something I'm thinking is something bad.
Black Dynamite, will you calm down? What could have happened? They're with Cream Corn.
On second thought You might wanna find those kids.
Hey, Black Dynamite! I told you to have these orphans back at 7:31! What if something happened to them, Cream Corn? - Huh?! Huh?! - Like what, - Black Dynamite?! - Like, like - suck that [bleep.]
that's what! - What the hell is suck that [bleep.]
, Black Dynamite? Suck that [bleep.]
is not a what, Cream Corn.
He's a who, a why, and a what.
This is one flashback Black Dynamite never thought he'd have in front of y'all.
But since I already spilled a few beans, I might as well make a mess all over the floor.
It was halloween and I, aka toddler Black Dynamite, was lost in a dark alley looking for some treats but ended up - surrounded by tricks.
- You want some of this? - You can't handle this, stupid.
- Now, toddler Black Dynamite, he ain't never been scared of anything that stood on two legs to take a piss.
That was, until the day I met Shim.
Something told me this trick didn't have any treats that toddler Black Dynamite would like.
But because I thought he was wearing a costume, I took my chances.
At that moment he leaned down, staring at me with those big, bloodshot red eyes and those - long lady eyelashes and said - Suck that [bleep.]
Now, my mama always told me never to suey a mother [bleep.]
that didn't have balls.
So, a man in a dress confused toddler Black Dynamite.
So, I just closed my eyes and peed on myself and ran away.
But don't worry.
Peeing on yourself is cool when - you're a baby toddler.
- Let me get this straight.
You didn't want these orphans out late getting a treat or a trick because a grown man in a dress wanted to [bleep.]
toddler Black Dynamite's [bleep.]
? Suey! It's not funny, Bullhorn! If it could happen to me as a toddler Black Dynamite, it could happen to them, too.
All I know is your childhood traumas ain't about to ruin my halloween.
This holiday is supposed to be about evil demons and scary [bleep.]
, not suck that [bleep.]
You know what? Cream Corn's right, Black Dynamite.
We should go out tonight.
As a matter of fact, I got an invitation to - a halloween party across town.
- Yay! - Please, please, please! - Cream Corn, I told you I just don't feel comfortable about the orphans being out this late on halloween.
Why don't we get somebody to entertain them here, - and we can go out? - What about that local cat, John Gacy? I heard he's got a killer clown - kids-watching agency.
- Ooh, that's perfect, and I can make us some costumes real quick! - What should we be, y'all? - Man, we can't go as no pussyfooting singers, sumo wrestlers, or rock quarriers! We should go as a badass street gang and conveniently call ourselves the Warriors! Honey Bee, this getup is out of sight! We are gonna kill them at the halloween party tonight! Bee, I must admit, these are some tough threads.
- Hell, I might want to wear this every day.
- Uh, Honey Bee, is my ass supposed to be out in the back like that? Uh, of course, Cream Corn.
- I gave you that new prince look.
- Ooh-whaa! - Cool! - I actually ran out of material.
Shhh! Now, Pogo, I'm gonna need you to keep these orphans safe.
It's halloween, and there's an assload of suck that [bleep.]
- on the loose.
- Sure, Black Dynamite.
Everything's going to be just great.
Now, who wants to make foster balloon parents? All right, Warriors, let's roll.
Dynamite! Dynamite! Okay, no more [bleep.]
magic tricks.
It's time to get down to business.
Now, who wants to get sawed in half first! - Me! - Me! - Me! - You do understand this isn't a trick, right? I'm actually going to saw you in half.
You're supposed to be screaming for your lives right about now.
No, seriously, I'm a serial killer.
I'm really gonna kill you! The halloween party is alive in West Hollywood.
Get your asses down here right now, 'cause every Tom's dick is in Harry.
It's time to pa-a-rtay! and have our way with those - # have our way with those # - Cream Corn, - this party looks gay.
- I know, right? - Everybody looks so happy! - No, I mean - like Little Richard gay.
- This is a halloween party.
Those are just costumes.
Whoo! Shut up! I'm sorry, y'all.
I-I-I can't do this.
I-I-I can't! Man, it's a shame that something that happened to little Black Dynamite way back in the days would make big - Black Dynamite scared of gays! - Now just because Black Dynamite feels uncomfortable about that [bleep.]
sucking booth over there - That's gonna be extra.
- and that - drag queen race over here - And they're off! Coming up in the rear, it's Hershey's kiss.
does not mean big Black Dynamite is scared of gay people.
Can you dig it? Booty for base! Get your hot booty for base! Cream Corn, you selling ass, too?! You need to find another block 'cause this is all mine.
Basehead, what are you doing here? What you think I'm doing? To a Basehead, this gay bash is like Valentine's day to a florist.
Come one, come all! Get it while it's hot! - Booty for base! - Okay, it's really time to go now! Hold on, Black Dynamite.
I can't go nowhere till I find a latrine! Those chocolate bars are starting to give me the shits something mean! Ooh, look at miss hide-your-thing right here! Bitch, you know how to tuck some balls.
Why, thank you! Wait a minute! Just because a bitch got big shoulders don't mean she a man! Look, Black Dynamite! The parade is starting! It looks like everybody is coming out! The Pipe Layers! The Bean Queens! The DLs! I can't wait for Bullhorn anymore.
I'm a split.
Here she is, the queen of queens! The head bitch in charge! And you know what I'm talking about, the mother of the confetti pirates! The one, the only - Rip Tayles! - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Oh, my goodness! Lezzies and trannies and bears, oh, my! The future belongs to us, bitches! Now looky, looky here.
What does Rip Tayles see before him? The First Ladies next to the Bone Collectors, the Brownie Kings next to the Turd Burglars, the Peter Puffers next to the Fairy Bottoms.
And nobody's blowing anybody away! There are just too many damn fairies to fit in this one little crevice of Hollywood.
I mean, yes, we run West Hollywood.
What about East Hollywood, North Hollywood, South Hollywood? Well, I say, holly would if holly could, but holly can't, so a gay mother [bleep.]
should! - Can you dig it? - Yeah, yeah! Can you dig it? Can You Dig It? I'm digging it right now.
You? A serial killer? Come on, Pogo! I'm serious! I dress up like a clown so no one would expect anything, and then I violently murder people.
See? It says right here.
"John Gacy, also known as Pogo the Clown, - is a serial killer.
" - Wow! A real, live serial killer right here in our whorephanage! Man, this is gonna be the best halloween ever! You just you really don't get this, man.
What the [bleep.]
? - Rip Tayles! Rip Tayles! - As you all know, we have many powerful civic leaders who are very, very gay.
And Rip Tayles is gonna pull them out of their closets for - the straight world to see! - Unisex porta potties! Man, I tell you, I've seen it all! And I will spare you the details of what's going on in those stalls! Okay, Bullhorn is back, and the crowd is starting to loosen up.
Let's go! Aw, man, Rip Tayles is about to tell us who all the gay leaders are.
Don't you want to know? Look, Cream Corn.
Black Dynamite ain't - The first name is oh, [bleep.]
- No! Son of a bitch, I just got shot.
Has anybody here been shot? I mean, I'm already gone, so don't worry.
Tell Tim I love him.
- Here, hold this! - Okay! - Say what? - Cream Corn! - Toss that gun before they - Aahhh! He's the one! The Warriors did it! The Warriors did it! Dynamite! Dynamite! Come on, bitches.
Let's get 'em! You're gonna get punched in the dick.
- Get him! - Oh, yeah! There's too many of them, Black Dynamite! What should we do? Should we run? Cream Corn, Black Dynamite don't run from - no homosexuals.
In fact - Oh, your friends gone? Huh? Before you ask, I'm not running away from those fairies.
I'm running because I have not done my cardio today.
So, for the record, this is just an exercise that Black Dynamite was gonna do, anyway, right at this moment.
Okay, this the most fun we're gonna have on halloween, so let's enjoy it before Black Dynamite gets back.
Orphans, Pogo the Clown doesn't take his serial killing as a joke.
And you know what? You shouldn't, either, because when I Oh-oh! That's why your parents are dead! Poof! Poof! Wait! Everybody stop! - I know who shot Rip Tayles! - Well, who was it, - then, Basehead? - How the hell am I supposed to remember? I was high at the time! Don't hold back, Black Dynamite! Just kick some sissy behind, and everything will be all right! I tried to hit these sissies, Bullhorn, but - I can't, all right! - What?! Why not?! My momma told me to never hit anybody without balls, and that's exactly what I'm never going to do.
How can I kick their asses in the dick if I don't know if their asses have dicks or not? We're gonna kick your ass.
It's oh, my god, what is that smell? Oh! Oh, my god.
Oh, my god, I'm gonna Oh, my god, 'cause that's not a fart.
Somebody [bleep.]
himself in this mother [bleep.]
.
You are crazy.
I cannot tell a tale, tiny or tall, but this running mixed with these Mars candy bars done made me shit - in my drawers! - Bullhorn, I thought you dropped your load back at the gay bash.
Well, I tried but I couldn't concentrate at all.
It's hard to [bleep.]
when you're dodging [bleep.]
poking - through the wall! - Yeah, you're as good as dead.
I'm gonna cut you all in half.
Whatever you do, Pogo, don't come down here! There's nothing but orphans waiting to be serial-killed! What should we do, Black Dynamite? Should we just bend over and take it? Hey, if you can get me high again, I can tell you who killed Rip Tayles, and y'all will be off the hook! How we gonna score some damn base if everybody - in the city wants to kill us? - Don't worry.
I got a secret stash at Santa Monica pier.
But that's like ten miles away! Man, save that for the birds, 'cause ain't no way in hell I'm running ten miles with my ass dropping turds.
Ooh, I know! We could catch the bus.
I never seen a gay dude on the bus.
All right, y'all, we need to split up and throw these ladies men whatever, people off track.
Honey Bee, Cream Corn, and Bullhorn, you go that way.
Black Dynamite and Basehead are gonna get his base at the Santa Monica pier.
Meet us there.
On one break! - Hmm? - Huh, what? Who? Look, orphan, normally I would turn this whole place into an ocean of blood.
But if you come down from there right now, I promise I'll just leave a little puddle.
- Do you Pogo promise? - I double Pogo promise.
- Okay! Here I come.
- Are you throwing [bleep.]
dildos? I just got word that the Warriors have done a nice sexy-ass split.
But you better watch your asses, because here come the Rump Rangers, and they are ready to ride you like a rodeo! You better giddyup now! Black Dynamite, I can't run no more! A Basehead needs a break! Well, you know I can't be fighting no lady men.
So, if we take a break we're in trouble! Ne-e-e-igh! I'm a horse, bitch.
Damn! I only see [bleep.]
like this - when I'm high.
- But you know what their mistake was, Basehead? Not dressing up like ladies, which means Black Dynamite does not feel like his code of ethics are being violated, which means these Rump Rangers are in for one literal and figurative ass whoopin'.
Oh, suey! You roasted those Rump Rangers.
Cream Corn, you selling ass, too? Your memory is slipping by the second.
We gotta get that base before it's too late.
Looks like we shook 'em.
Man, I can't run no more.
I tell ya, I can't, especially since I done pooped in my pants! - Damn! - Ooh, there's a bus stop that goes right to the Santa Monica pier.
Oh! [bleep.]
the bus stop, I'm looking at them badass bitches in fishnets and tube tops.
Pardon me, ladies.
I don't mean to sound pushy, but we sure would love to have some of your [bleep.]
Mmm, I love the way you make my [bleep.]
rhyme.
Come on, Bullhorn! Now you know we got to meet Black Dynamite at Santa Monica pier! - Now, you two can't be playing around! - Where y'all two muscular chunkalicious ladies going tonight besides my wet dreams? - Ha ha.
- Uh, this ain't that's they're not do y'all need glasses? Oh, we going to the big gay after bash.
You boys with big, bountiful, beautiful balls want to come? This is not our bus, y'all! - We're supposed to be on our way to the - Ugh! That's oh, so, we're adventurous now? Okay, so, we're just gonna take an adventure now? Okay.
- Ooh, child, that's crazy.
- You're crazy! Okay, now, y'all had your fun.
- Now we got to go! - Aw, come on.
- They just got here.
- Yeah, we got a big surprise for you two.
I hope you like packages, cause we got a sweet set of sexy sacks for both of you.
The bigger the better, baby.
Show me to them sweet and sexy sacks.
What the hell?! Now, this is just getting - just really ridic - Hell, yeah, I like to party! No ifs ands or buts! How can a man resist with these titties, these thighs, - and these big-ass - What the?! nuts! They killed Rip Tayles! Hermorphadykes attack! - Get them! - Let's split! They got dicks! And I was just starting to like her, too! You know what? That's what the hell y'all get! Now I done [bleep.]
she-elephants, whales, dinosaurs, and all! But I would never [bleep.]
a woman with man-sized balls! The Hermorphadykes couldn't get the job done.
Maybe it wasn't their turn to come out of the closet just yet.
Well, stick 'n balls, it's your turn up to bat.
And, Warriors, these bitches sure ain't afraid to come out to play.
Basehead, I don't know where the hell we are right now.
And wherever we are, I couldn't tell you where the hell it was.
We got a problem, Basehead.
I can't tell if they're men or women.
Are those softball bats or baseball bats? - Why, that's a very good question! - Play ball! Although the differences between a softball bat and a baseball bat are not monumental, they do exist.
Softball bats have a maximum barrel of 2 1/4".
On the other hand, baseball bats have a maximum diameter of - 2 3/4" and have a longer range.
- Anything else?! Softball bats have two markings that baseball bats don't have.
One of these markings is the ASA logo, which all - softball bats must have.
- Well, there are no markings on this bat, which means it's not a softball bat, which means they're baseball players, which means the stick 'n balls got sticks and balls! Suey! - Man, I wish we had a map.
- Man, we don't need a map! I can smell base from a mile away.
That's gonna be some great [bleep.]
it's thataway! Shh! - Shh! - Shh! - Shh! - Shh! - Shh! - Shh! - Ohh! - All right, orphans, let's make this a serial-killing halloween night to remember! - Hee-yah! - Oh, it is almost morning, Queens, and I am as mad as a fresh [bleep.]
fox in a fire.
The Warriors have slipped through your soft hands yet again.
Good.
Y'all made it.
We are almost home free.
Wait a minute! This ain't over yet, Black Dynamite.
Listen to this.
Looks like the Warriors have hit the pier, queers.
It's up to you, Money Shots! You've got the juice.
Now really pour it on thick! Y'all handle the Money Shots and try not to get whatever that is on you.
Now, where the hell's that base, Basehead? It's up on that there ferris wheel.
Suey! - There's nothing here, Basehead! - Oh, yeah? You know what? I already smoked that base.
Do you think you can take me back to the gay bash? God damn it, Basehead! Honey Bee, what happened to the Money Shots? [bleep.]
after one shot, the mother [bleep.]
fell asleep.
Warriors! Come out like a ga-a-a-y! Warriors! Come out like a ga-a-a-y! - Thank you, Basehead.
- Basehead, you - sold us out, sucker! - You're damn right! Wait.
I did? Well, what y'all expect? - I'm a Basehead! - I bet you want to know why we - set you up and who we are, huh? - Well, I know who you are, J.
Edgar Hoover, but I don't know why you set up - my man, Cream Corn.
- Oh, my god! Who the [bleep.]
told Black Dynamite?! I swear, I am going to punch somebody in the [bleep.]
dick! Everybody already knew you were strickly dickly.
Plus, that wig ain't hiding that ugly face of yours.
- So, are you the one that killed Rip Tayles? - Yeah, it was me! I wanted to keep him from outing me! And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it - wasn't for you darn kids.
- J.
Edgar Hoover, since I got you here, Black Dynamite's gonna need you to explain to him what a tranny is, because just when he thought he had this homo shit figured out, it just got - one dick deeper.
- Okay, seriously, you really want me to All, right, there's homos, transsexuals, and transvestites.
Homos dress like men but like men.
Transsexuals get their genitals switched.
They haven't really got that surgery perfected yet.
That's pretty new, so they aren't too many of them.
Transvestites are men who dress up like women.
They could like men or not like men.
The first ladies here fit into the latter category.
So, what you're saying is that you still - have your balls intact.
- Correct.
So, what I realize now is that most of y'all actually have balls.
And at first I was confused with all the dresses and whatnot.
But everything's clear - to Black Dynamite now.
- Well, I'm glad you came to that realization.
Now prepare to die! Huh? Okay, what, seriously? You caught my load in your mouth? That is soooo gay! J.
Edgar Hoover, nobody shoots his load at Black Dynamite's face and lives to tell about it, you gay-ass mother [bleep.]
! Dynamite! Dynamite! We heard J.
Edgar Hoover's confession.
Sorry about all the trouble.
You Warriors are good - real good.
- A gay-ass lifestyle is still a lifestyle nonetheless.
So, however you roll, you're still a friend of Black Dynamite.
Hey, you look familiar.
- Do I know you from somewhere? - Mmm, I don't think so.
- But uh suck that [bleep.]
[bleep.]
.
- [bleep.]
Suey! Dynamite! Dynamite! I sure am glad I didn't let the orphans come to that halloween party.
You see, Cream Corn, I told you anything could happen.
Man, you missed it, Black Dynamite! We had so much fun.
Man, Pogo the Clown tried to serial-kill us, and we threw dildos at him, and he slipped in some K.
Y.
jelly! This is the best halloween ever! Dynamite! Dynamite! Dynamite! Dynamite!