Black-ish (2014) s02e03 Episode Script

There's a long tradition of black folks having an aversion to doctors and healthcare.
And to be fair, deservedly so from overcrowded hospitals, where black patients were ignored by disinterested doctors, to the tuskegee experiments, where white doctors took way too much interest in black patients, treating them like lab rats.
Lab rats with syphilis.
By the way Don't be confused.
Tuskegee experiments Horrific.
Tuskegee airmen Super-cool.
The point is, my parents' generation always had plenty of reasons to avoid going to the doctor, or sending their kids.
I don't feel good.
You're fine.
You're fine.
You're fine.
You're fine.
Walk it off.
You're fine.
But I've broken the cycle.
I have a family who counts on me, so I take care of myself by going to the doctor regularly exercising Oh! Watching what I eat and getting more sleep.
Now, the key is adding the long tail And I get a physical every year no problem.
Except for the first physical after 40.
Ohh-ohh! Now, that's a problem.
Come see me in my office.
And clean yourself up.
Soup.
What? So-o-o-o-up.
I'm sorry.
I don't speak "Little Bitch.
" Dre, you don't need soup.
You had a prostate exam.
You're not sick.
I'm not physically sick.
I'm mentally scarred.
That doctor wore me like a bracelet.
Well, I hope at least he bought you dinner.
Pops, will you stop riding me? Now, that's what you should have said to your doctor.
Bam! Of all the people, - I thought you would be the sympathetic one.
- Mm-hmm.
You know how painful these are.
Guys! Dinner! Nope.
Never had one.
- What? - The last time I went to the doctor, it was 1985.
- That can't be true.
- Oh, yeah.
And I remember exactly where I was.
I was in a waiting room, and "We Are The World" came on the radio.
I thought to myself, "mm, I don't need this [Bleep.]
" So is your beef with doctors or Lionel Richie? Two snorts of Afrin every morning has kept me right as rain.
Pops, you know how addictive that stuff is? Son, I've been taking Afrin every day for the last 30 years.
I think I would know if it was addictive.
Besides, don't worry about me.
I'm strong as an ox.
Dumb as one, too.
Hey, who knows where I can get some potatoes? Me! I'm a potato! All right! Potatoes! - Hey, hey! Careful, Pops! - Sack of potatoes! Careful! Careful! Oh, relax.
I've never dropped a child.
Sack of potatoes here! Get your Hey, Earl! Hey, buddy! Walk it off.
You're fine.
Besides, I got what they call old-man strength now.
Yeah, and old-man smell, old-man credit, and old-man balls.
Where are Zoey and Junior? I drove them to the movies.
On a school night? Since when is Tuesday a school night? Ever since people started going to school.
- Eh - Hey, Pops.
- Hmm? - You really should get checked out.
You know what? I'm gonna set you up with an appointment at the hospital so you can get a quick and easy physical.
Okay, fine.
I'll let one of those butchers look me over.
Um You know I'm one of those butchers, right? I'm not saying you're a butcher.
Oh, okay.
Unless you count what she did to this meal.
Bam! Come on.
See? Look.
There is nothing to be afraid of, Pops.
- I'm not scared.
- Okay.
I can't taste anything! What did you do to me?! What did you do to me?! I-I think I left something in my car.
Unh-unh-unh.
I drove.
Let's go.
Oh, boy.
I think I left your lights on.
Okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
Oh, oh, look Evan.
I want you to meet Evan.
This is, uh this is my father-in-law.
This is Dr.
Windsor.
- How's it going? - Not great.
I'm meeting with my malpractice lawyer.
She's gonna help me run through my story a few more times.
Okay.
All right.
Well, you have a good day, now.
- All right.
- Goodbye.
No, no, no.
Pops, please.
Oh! Pops.
Okay.
Old-man strength.
Very real.
All right.
Can't seem to stop you.
Pops, I'm trying.
The man did not want to go to the hospital.
He shook Bow she found him outside trying to get on the bus.
If he had exact change, he'd be in Vegas by now.
Well, I don't blame him.
foot into a hospital die.
You're insane.
And for your information, to the hospital and don't Die.
Seriously? You want to get into a math-off right now, while 90% of your dad is in a hospital, dying? Charlie's got a point.
Step into a hospital over 60 it's over.
Hospitals are a young man's game.
Like hopscotch.
Or erections.
I think I know a little something about medicine.
I've been sleeping with a doctor for 20 years.
That kind of makes me a doctor.
Oh, so that's how that works.
Well, then I am a bus driver, a toll-booth operator, a PBS sign-language translator, another toll-booth operator, and a sandwich artist.
Mm, well, in that case, I'm a married college T.
A.
Who likes to make a lot of promises about leaving his wife.
Yet somehow they're having their fourth kid Brendan.
I bought him an engraved rattle.
Idiot.
Idiot.
Look, the point is, Dre, is that just like Charlie here doesn't know how to make a decent sandwich, and Lucy is just a dirty side piece, you don't know anything about medicine.
And hospitals are dangerous.
That is why I have a concierge doctor who comes to my house every couple of years and swaps out my kidneys.
You're only as old as your organs, Dre.
And right now, I am "drunk teen motorcyclist" years old.
Look, Dre, I get nervous every time my dad goes to the hospital.
One time, he went in for a hip replacement came out an alcoholic riddled with cancer.
I don't think the hospital gave your father cancer.
And I definitely don't think they made him an alcoholic.
You sound just like the jury.
I wasn't going to let those guys at work spin me out.
They all had old, decrepit dads.
My dad's fine picture of health.
Get out the way! I've got to hash these browns! Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, Pops! Be careful! He's half of a set! - Hey.
- Hmm? I don't want you to freak out.
Don't freak out.
Pops has a clogged artery.
Don't freak out.
And they think don't freak out that he needs a very simple and routine angioplasty.
Don't freak out.
It's okay.
Don't freak out.
My old, decrepit pops is gonna die! So-o-o-o-up.
- Bow? - Mm-hmm.
- I didn't say good night to my pops.
- Hmm.
You know, I-I got to say good night to my pops while I still can.
How do you say good night to a man you love? Good lord, Dre.
Your dad is having a routine procedure that has a 95% success rate.
You're right.
I'll say it with a song.
A what? To dance with my father again When I was young He would lift me up Ha ha! I got it! Oh, my God.
So, pops is circling the drain.
No, mom and webmd say balloon angioplasties are easy.
Balloon? I want a balloon.
Not in your heart, you don't.
I've never even thought about losing pops.
Yeah, there's so much I don't know about him so much I've never thought to ask.
First kiss, secret crush.
Is he pro-choice? Anti-fracking? And where is he on Seaworld? It's up to me to record his life story.
When pops dies, what happens to all his stuff? They'll probably just throw it all away.
You know our parents are animals.
They can't do that.
- I know.
The '70s are coming back strong.
- Yes.
I get the brown hat.
Not if I get it first.
Please.
I'm smaller.
I'm everywhere and nowhere.
I have no idea what that means, but it's on.
Look at yourselves! You guys are focusing on the wrong thing.
- You're right.
- Sorry.
Thank you.
The real prize is power of attorney.
Ow.
Bow, I tried singing to him, and he took a swing at me.
Barely connected.
He he's really slowing down.
Aw.
Dre.
I'm so sorry your dad didn't hit you.
For so many reasons.
It's weird.
I always thought of pops as being invincible.
I know.
I know.
It is so hard to see our parents get older.
I mean, I called my mom this week.
She told me the same story that she's told me three times, Dre.
Three times.
- Wow.
- I know.
Oh, my God.
You know, you've told me that story twice.
Twice.
A little bacon for you.
A little bacon for you.
A little bacon for my baby.
And Bacon.
Oh, I know you're trying to kill me with it.
But that's all right.
I don't care.
Mmm.
Death by pork a warrior's death.
Good morning, everybody! Real bacon.
And And pancakes? Ruby, I told you I don't like the kids eating a sugary breakfast on a school day.
Since when is Thursday a school day? Besides, I have a right to spoil my grandbabies.
Now, who wants ice cream? - I do! - Me! Why, why are you the sick one? - I'm not sick.
- Okay.
Yeah, mom.
Don't worry about pops.
He's gonna live forever.
Oh, thank you, Zo-Zo.
Hey, Pops, man, you have some great sayings Uh, "crabs in a barrel.
" - Mm.
- Eat your biggest crabs first.
What would you say is your favorite crab-based saying? Hmm.
Strictly crab-based.
Mm-hmm.
Well, you led off with two very strong ones there.
Um, I'd have boy, what are you recording me for posterity? Well Boy, you better turn that thing off and take your ass to school before I flip you like a cross-tailed crab! So much crab wisdom.
So little time.
I'm sorry he's so insensitive, Pops.
Will you please sign this permission slip for a school trip.
Oh.
Of course, baby girl.
There you go.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Y'all have a good day at school, now, hear? - All right.
Bye, babies.
Now all we need to do is scan this and e-mail it to his lawyer.
Cool.
Whoo! Good morning, everybody.
Good morning, baby boy.
What you doing with my suitcase? I'm moving you out of the guest house into one of our spare bedrooms so we can keep an eye on you while you recuperate.
I don't need to recuperate.
I'm not having any operation.
What? I got a second opinion.
And I'm fine.
- Angioplasty? - Yeah.
Man, na.
- You walked up here, didn't you? - On my own two feet.
Oh, you good.
If it feels real bad, use a little Afrin.
- That helps.
- I've been doing that every day.
I got some liniment in the truck for 5 bucks.
Also got bath towels 2 for $8.
Liniment? Afrin? You guys are crazy.
Cranberry juice.
Cleanses the blood.
- So I'm good.
- You cranberry juice is for urinary-tract infection.
It's not gonna help your heart.
And that's some very pale cranberry juice.
That's 'cause it's mostly gin.
What - Mm.
- Give me a swallow of that.
Hey, hey.
She shot you the last time she had gin.
Good morning, gentlemen.
What are the haps? Whoa, Dre.
A two-muffin morning? What has got you down? My pops won't get the angioplasty.
An old-timer at my barbershop is going through the same thing.
Just tell him to drink a little cranberry juice.
Why is everybody talking about cranberry juice? Cranberry juice doesn't do anything.
I've got to go make a phone call.
Dre, you got to make him get that procedure.
The time's come for you to step up and be a dad to your dad like I do.
I mean, I got to change my old man's diaper every other day.
Every other day? Well, you should have seen how he parented me.
Payback's a bitch.
Dre, I-I know that we put you off hospitals yesterday, but this is no joke.
You don't want your father to die of arteriosclerosis, like my father.
He keeled over in a field.
At least he died as he lived.
Picking onions in a dress.
Hmm.
I miss you, paw-maw.
Stop! Hey, guys.
Die, Hitler! What?! Jack?! Hey! You know you're not allowed to play with those violent video games.
Grandma said it was okay.
Ruby! You don't want the boy to learn killing Nazis is good? Strange message, Rainbow.
Oh, hey.
Love you, Pops.
Oh, love you, too, Zo-Zo.
All right, Pops.
- Hey.
- Enough of this.
Hey.
I was watching "Scandal.
" Well, if you want to live to see Olivia have Fitz's baby, you're gonna get that surgery.
Don't waste your breath.
I'm not getting it.
Hey.
Yes, you are.
Boy, I'm your father.
You don't tell me what to do.
I just did! What? Why didn't you tell him about the 90% success rate? I thought you said it was 95%.
Eh - Who wants pizza? - Ooh.
What's your favorite pizza? Most memorable topping? Where were you when you first tasted Chicago deep-dish? Chicago, idiot.
I will always cherish this.
You know what I like on my pizza? - Potatoes! - That's funny.
I just bought a fresh sack of 'em.
Come on.
Get your potatoes here.
- Fresh, hot pot Earl! - Pops! - Earl! Hey, hey, hey, hey! What's going on, Pops? Everything okay? What happened? - Everything's fine.
- Okay.
Everything's fine.
I'll have the damn operation.
But not because of you.
I'll let one of them quacks cut me open.
Oh, they actually don't cut you open.
They just make a little small incision in your groin, and then they have a-a metal tube Yeah, but he he he said he'll have it.
- That they feed all the way up - He he said he'll have it.
- He's gonna have okay.
You already said yes.
- Yeah.
So I'm just gonna stop talking and I'm gonna book it.
- Stop stop - Stop talking.
- Okay, Pops.
Sit.
- Hoo.
You happy now? - Hey.
- Hey.
So, I took the day off work, and your mom said she can pick the kids up from school.
No, no, no.
That's okay.
You you don't have to go.
Pops is gonna be fine.
I know he'll be fine.
The procedure has an 88% success rate.
I thought you said 90%.
Can we stay focused, please? - Okay.
- I'm worried about you.
- Me? - Yes.
I'm great.
All right? Pops is doing the right thing.
This is good.
Yes, it is.
Andre, son.
Yeah? Uh, come on and take a walk with me.
This isn't right.
That's when it hit me pops wanted to take this walk because he thought it might be our last walk.
He was scared.
But maybe this was an opportunity, our chance to say all the things we hadn't said before.
- Hmm? - Son, son.
Dog poop.
Thanks, Pops.
Anytime.
Oh, hey, Pops, you want to take another lap? Yeah, I'd like that.
- Rainbow.
- Yes.
I want you to know that I trust you.
And I love you.
Thank you, Pops.
I love you, too.
Hey, Pops.
There's another hand over here.
And I want you to be in the operating room with me when I go under.
Just knowing that you're there will give me great comfort.
I will be there with you.
I will be there.
We need to take you in now.
- Go ahead.
You're okay.
- Okay, Pops, let me go.
- Just let me go, Pops! - Okay.
Oh.
Damn that old-man strength! Hey, Pops! - Don't forget to breathe! - Oh.
Don't say that.
- Don't say that? Okay.
- No.
Uh, meet you on the other side! - Not that, either.
- The other side of the doors.
- No, no, no it sounds weird.
- Okay.
Hey.
Aren't you gonna go in there? No.
No.
Can't.
A zillion protocols against it.
What just tell them what they want to hear.
You people really are monsters.
I know.
We're awful.
But, you know, we need to cultivate a healthy sense of detachment.
Plus, I'm not gonna get all worked up over a procedure that has an 85% survival rate.
Does anybody survive these things? - Oh, no.
- What? It's Ruby.
Diane threw up.
She wants me to come home.
You okay if I leave you here by yourself? Oh, yeah, yeah.
You know, I'd be better without you.
- Rea - You sociopath.
Mm-hmm.
I love you, too.
- Oh, do you? - I do.
- Okay.
- I love you.
I know you're scared.
You're okay.
- Yeah, all right.
- It's gonna be good.
- Okay.
- It is.
- Just - You think so? Just keep breathing, sweetie.
Yeah, there you go.
You know, he's fine.
He's fine.
E-ever everything everything's gonna be fine.
He's he's gonna be okay.
Am am I boring you, or you don't speak English? Both.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'll leave you be.
I mean, you know, what can go wrong? It's just a simple balloon angioplas Oh, my daddy's dead! My daddy's dead and I didn't get a chance to tell him I loved him! Now it's too late! Damn, damn, damn chains.
- Excuse me? - Aah! - Mr.
Johnson? - Yes, doctor? Your father's procedure's finished, and he's doing great.
What?! Oh! Ahh! Mwah! Thank you, doctor! Ahh! He's alive, despite the odds! Okay.
All right.
I just want to let you know that all your loved ones is gonna be okay, all right? Well, you know, maybe not all of them.
It is a hospital.
Hey, little man.
Sorry about your balloon.
Uh, Selena? Vaya con dios.
Mm-hmm.
My daddy all right! My daddy all right! Is she okay? She's gonna be fine.
This is all on me, Bow.
I never should have let her chase the milkshake with churros and a fast pony ride in the heat.
I spoil 'em too much, Bow.
I'm a bad grandma.
No, Ruby, you're a bad person.
Hey.
But you are a fantastic grandma.
It's okay that you spoil them.
I mean Every moment we get with you is a gift.
Oh.
Oh, pops is out.
He's doing great.
Oh, thank God he's okay.
- He's okay.
- He's okay.
- He's okay.
- He's okay.
But you you're in trouble.
What? You called me a gift.
No.
And I am never gonna let you forget it.
Okay, no, no.
I-I was worried about pops.
- I was in emotional distress.
- I am a gift Okay, you're a gift.
- I am a gift - Ruby.
- I am a gift - I also called you a bad person.
No, I'm a gift! - No, you're a - No, I'm a gift! - You are a bad per very bad.
- I'm a gift Can't close my eyes for a minute.
Oh, you're awake.
You made it.
Hmm.
Not that I was worried.
Oh, no.
No.
Me either.
Hmm.
I-I'm lying, Pops.
Man, I was terrified.
'Cause you're soft, like a crab in summer.
Knock, knock.
Quit circling, vulture.
I'm still alive.
Don't be a jackass, jackass.
I'm glad to see you finally taking care of yourself.
- Mm.
- I want to be the favorite grandparent not the only one.
Aww.
Listen at you.
Thank you, Ruby.
Aww.
Least I can do.
Get some rest, now.
Wow.
That was nice.
Yeah, sure was, wasn't it? Mm-hmm.
Heifer stole my Vicodin! - Mama! - What you talking about "mama"? You tried to steal my damn pudding.
Well, hell, I didn't want that cold chicken.
Okay.
I'mma eat it.
Alright.
Hey, Pops, the doctor said you've got to be active.
All right.
All right, come on.
Come on.
Let's move it a little bit.
- Okay.
- Hold onto me for balance.
There you go.
- Okay.
- There you go.
Come on.
Let's go.
- Let's go.
- Okay.
- A little to the left.
- To the left.
- A little to the right.
- A little to the right.
How you feeling? Feeling good? - Yeah, I'm okay.
- Okay, hold on.
- Let me see that app.
- Mm.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, hell, no.
Oh, see, I know what happened.
- What? - I died on the table.
Now I'm in hell.
Come on, come on, come on.
Let's stretch it out.
- See, you always trying to lead.
- Stretch it out.
There you go.
Come on.
- Turn around.
- Ohh, ohh, ohh.
- Real good.
- Ohh.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
Come on.
You know you love this.
You know you love this.
There you go.
Come on, dad.
Get ready for the dip.
Ohh, ohh, ohh, ohh! Oh! Oh! Help me up! Oh!