Black Jesus (2014) s02e03 Episode Script

1 That's why I buy Quality garbage bags.
See, they got the drawstring on 'em, they don't rip.
- Yeah.
- They cost a little extra money, but it's worth it.
A-rabs.
Yeah.
Yeah, where he learn how to speak their language like that, man? Look at that scarf that nigga's wearing, man.
LLOYD: Yes.
That's one of them desert scarves.
Wa alaikum as-salaam, my brother.
You thinking what I'm thinking? Yes, I'm thinking what you're thinking! I think this nigga's a terrorist, man.
Yep.
LLOYD: Oh, I can't believe it! Al-Qaeda in Compton? And where'd the nigga learn how to speak their language? Think about it.
When's the last time you met a nigga from Compton knew how to speak terrorist? He speaking that terrorist.
Blah blah-blah blah blah-blah-blah.
I heard it! You consort with terrorists, that makes you a terrorist.
Jesus H.
Christ, radical Muslim terrorist.
So what we gonna do? What we gonna do? You know, Lloyd, there's three type of people on the planet.
The first type is the sheep.
Sheep is weak.
Sheep need to be led.
Sheep believe that the police can save them all the way up until the moment they find out that it's too late.
Oh Yeah.
And then there's the second type.
The wolf.
The wolf preys on the sheep.
The wolf is evil.
Evil wolf.
This is deep.
And then there's the third type.
The sheepdog.
The sheepdog, Lloyd.
He ain't afraid of the wolf.
The sheepdog protects the sheep from the wolf.
The sheepdog don't run from evil.
He runs right up on that shit and confronts it.
Wow.
Okay, okay.
Now who are we? (laughs) We're the sheepdog! Sheepdog? I thought we gonna be the sheep.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I'm confused.
We're the sheepdog.
Okay? Okay, listen, nigga, I'm gonna do it for you one more time, all right? It's the sheepdog Sheepdog.
the wolf Wolf.
and the sheep.
And sheep.
JASON: Man, Jesus, please tell me this ain't all God got in store for me, man.
Selling pallets for six bucks a pop? I can say that's some real loser shit, man.
I should just get back with Dianne.
I been telling you that, Jay.
But that's something both you and her gonna have to get right with.
Yeah, but it's just the whole cop thing, man.
She's so hard-core with that shit, I be feeling like she gonna take me to jail one day.
JESUS: Well, do you love her, though? JASON: Yeah, I love her more than this.
I mean, no offense - I'm just sayin'.
- Hey.
Jesus, you know, I'm getting woozy.
This thing is JESUS: Trayvon.
I had to carry my own cross.
Do you know how heavy those things is, man? Across one shoulder.
Come on, man, you'll be a'ight.
(scoffs) This dude.
But for real, though, man, just go and get back with her.
That's the right thing to do, Jay.
Pops been telling me, man.
It been right here, the sign's been right in your face.
(Jesus laughs) Amali, you gigantic playboy! Allahu Akbar.
(chuckling) (speaking Arabic) Hamdullah.
(speaking Arabic) (Lloyd singing to himself) Hey, Lloyd, Lloyd! Come here, check, check Come on, come on, check this shit out, man.
Check this out.
"Seven Ways to Spot a Terrorist.
" Number one: suspicious activity.
Check.
Number two: illicit fund-raising.
Check.
Number three: acquiring supplies and any other activity deemed un-American.
Check.
You think all those pallets they're collecting is part of the plot? Look, Lloyd, we don't know what we don't know.
I'm just saying, with all that wood they collected, they probably chopped it all up, pushed it together and made some kind of gigantic wood bomb.
And when that bomb blow up, boom! Shrapnel's everywhere.
Death by splinters.
We gotta call the authorities.
Come on, I got it right here.
Hey, nigga, hey, c We ain't calling nobody, man.
Vic, you might be a man of principle, but sometime, you gotta pick up the phone and call white people.
This is bigger than us.
Lloyd, nothing is bigger than us.
Okay? We have to continue to watch.
We gotta remain vigilant.
Keep collecting evidence.
We are the sheepdog.
(phone ringing) Hello.
It's Dianne.
Dianne, this is Lloyd.
Lloyd? Lloyd, Vic's friend! The bum? Yes.
Dianne, listen.
You gotta do something.
We running out of time! Wait, okay, just calm down.
What are you talking about? Jesus is a terrorist.
Wait, who's a terrorist? Jesus is a terrorist.
VIC: Lloyd! Hold on, Vic, in the bathroom! What are you calling from the bathroom? I'm hiding from Vic because he doesn't want me to call the police.
And I'm also taking a shit.
(passes gas, grunts) That's just disgusting, Lloyd! Look, this isn't funny, all right? No, wait.
Wait a minute! Bye.
Just They gonna kill people with splinters! - Splinters! - Lloyd! Perfect.
Now, what the hell does this mean? You illiterate, convict? The sign says, "Emergency" Nigga, I can read, but what does it mean? "Emergency powers in effect"? It means that I got credible Intel that there's a potential threat.
And I'm gonna take all steps necessary to make sure that it don't happen.
Just better not be using that as an excuse to run up in my crib without notice.
You just remember beware of sheepdogs.
(bleep) does that even mean? Just what it mean, convict.
Beware of sheepdog.
- (bleep) weirdo.
- Oh, yeah.
I'm changing all the fire alarms in every unit today.
I'm-a be up in yours sometime this morning.
City regulations.
Yo, whatever, just better keep Lloyd's stinking ass out of my place, I know that.
Mmm.
VIC: See what I mean, Lloyd? Informed the nigga of his rights, plus got permission from him to enter the unit.
JESUS: Come on, man, a few splinters ain't never killed nobody.
It ain't but five pallets, man, and we on.
For five hours? Split five ways? This is stupid, man.
We're not making no money, we not making the world a better place.
We wasting our time.
Hey, he right, though, Jee.
I don't know if this hustle gonna cut it, man.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, stop, stop, stop.
Back up, back up, back up.
(snickers) Oh, my God.
(laughing) Man, we got to pray to God and thank him for his wonderful generosity, man.
Yes! Hey, man, we can pray later, but right now, let's get these pallets and get the (bleep) out of here.
H-H-H-Hey! Stop, stop, stop! Put that down.
Look, Frank, man, we don't want no problems, man.
We just seen the pallets out here empty, man.
You know y'all finna throw 'em out, man.
Let us have 'em; we'll get rid of 'em, no charge.
No, you think you're the only ones who have been trying to do this pallet hustle? No, and (bleep) off.
We're not throwing them away.
Hey, man, you can let us have these pallets, you Nigerian Michelin Man.
And you the same color as your uniform! I don't want to see you here again! Put it down! Really gonna act like that, Frank? Go somewhere! So now y'all see what I'm saying? We just go snatch them pallets, throw 'em in a car and smash the (bleep) out.
That's stealing, Fish.
Come on, man, you know the script.
What Pops say, man? "Thou shall not steal.
" "Shall not steal.
" I know, man, but this is not stealing.
It's just pieces of wood.
Nah, man.
We can't do it, man.
It ain't poppin'.
No more janky shit, brah.
You know I love you, though, right? Jesus say he love us, right? And I know we love him, too, man, but I'm trying to get this money.
Let's go snatch them pallets.
That's what I'm saying, man.
We split that three ways.
That's, what, $80 apiece.
And that's good money for some trash-ass pallets.
Yeah, the only thing is they got cameras in the front, cameras in the back, there's cameras everywhere.
We can wear a mask.
Yeah, but if we wear a mask, the police gonna see us coming.
(snaps) Burkas.
How about we wear burkas? Wh-What's a burka? It's them joints the Muslim women wear that cover them from head to toe.
We just three innocent Muslim women.
Hey, man, I ain't wearing no (bleep) dress.
Nigga, your Lord and Savior wears a dress.
And he ain't got no bitches, do he? Niggas, y'all with it or what? I'm with it.
Look, man, I'm with it, man, but I'm not wearing no (bleep) dress.
"Ways to spot a terrorist.
"Number four: test security.
Number five: rehearsal.
" I seen that myself.
They was casing that grocery store.
That's probably the plan.
Blow up the grocery store so people would be afraid to buy groceries.
But that's crazy.
That's absolutely insane.
And I know crazy.
Bam.
This could cripple the economy, man.
And they say that "once they've already surveilled a target, terrorist activity is imminent.
" There you go again.
Down that rabbit hole.
We in too deep, Vic.
Hey, listen, man, we ain't in too deep.
We are the sheepdog, Lloyd.
We got to handle this shit.
But, Vic, we're not cops.
We have no authority to stop them.
(scoffs) Lloyd, you forgetting that I used to be in the Navy.
But, Vic, we not on a boat! I swore an oath to protect this nation against all enemies, foreign and domestic.
(knocking on door) And on land, too.
Who the (bleep) is that?! Spike, the demolition man! Yeah, baby! Ah! Good to see you.
(Spike laughs) (grunts) Yeah.
Got something for you, gonna hook you up.
That's what's up.
Came to the right man, baby.
Vic, I got to go.
Ugh.
Lord, have mercy.
SPIKE: Who was that? Uh, just a local bum, man.
You know, he comes around and picks up cans.
- Excuse the funk.
- Damn, he stinks.
VIC: What you got for me, brah? SPIKE: Let me show you what I got for you.
This right here military-issue Mace.
Accurate within 15 feet.
(imitates spray) One spray of that (bleep).
Aah! Burn the (bleep) out of Al-Qaeda's eyes.
Brought you four cans, baby.
C-90 stun gun.
Baddest gun in the game, baby.
Easy to use, easy to charge with a cigarette lighter.
You can fend off multiple attackers with this thing right here.
When them ISIS fools run up on you (imitates stun gun) Night-night, ISIS, night-night.
(laughs) These right here are tear gas grenades.
This is the same shit they used on them niggas in Ferguson.
You saw how them niggas' eyes was popping out their head, burning like this and just sliming at the mouth.
Real deal.
Mm-hmm, and what I did, I'm throwing in an emergency flare gun.
(imitates flare being fired) Point it right at 'em (shouts indistinctly) Gone.
That's gonna do nicely.
And on top of that, check this out.
I'm throwing in two SEAL-grade tactical bulletproof vests.
Check it out.
Put it on, homie.
(laughs excitedly) You look good in that thing, boy.
Look like you back in the day.
Check it out, boy.
(chuckles) I got something for you.
Put this hat on with it, playboy.
Boy, you look like an ebony model, boy.
You gonna be a'ight.
Oh, man.
Come on, baby.
(laughs) I didn't know who else to call.
Are you sure you weren't followed? (scoffs) I'm off duty tonight, Lloyd.
Look, I don't like Jesus, either, but I doubt he's a terrorist.
I don't know what to do.
I need a drink.
(sighs) Lloyd, what are you do? Put that away.
What are? Oh, my I've told Vic ten times to call Homeland Security.
Well, do not do that.
He's crazy! Talking about sheepdogs and wolf dogs and coyotes.
Just relax and-and tell Vic to relax.
If you want, you know, I I could talk to Jason about it.
Yeah? Promise? (chuckles) I promise.
Don't tell Vic.
I won't tell Vic.
So, um, have you seen him around lately Jason? I see him every day! He live in that truck with Jesus.
Bald-headed freak I don't understand it.
Yeah, me neither.
Poor thing.
That damn Jesus Christ ruined a lot of lives.
You know, I've tried to move on, Lloyd.
But all I keep meeting are assholes.
Let me give you some advice about relationships.
(sighs) Drink.
Oh, it's my day off, and I'm sitting here drinking with a bum.
It's officially loser status, huh? - To losers.
- To losers.
(laughs) Come on, baby, kill it! (laughs, grunts) Kill it.
Kill it, babe.
- Mm-hmm.
- Kill that! - There you go.
- (grunts) (grunting) (whoops, laughs) Ooh! Yeah I'm not feeling good.
- Why not? - Like I have to You all right? (coughing) Babe! Babe! Sugar dumpling! (retching) Let it all out.
Let it all out.
Yeah, there you go.
I got you.
- (distant coughing) - LLOYD: Yeah, there you go.
(Dianne continues coughing) DIANNE: Oh, my God! That's the most disgusting thing I've ever had! Mmm! Mmm! There you go.
Oh, Lloyd.
(coughing) LLOYD: You good.
Yeah, it gonna make you gag.
- DIANNE: Ooh, Lloyd.
Ooh.
- LLOYD: Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- (coughing) (Dianne retching) - Oh, boy.
Mmm.
Mmm.
- Oh, God.
- Yeah.
- (mumbling) LLOYD: Mmm! Mmm! (Dianne groans, Lloyd grunts) We come from around the pallet side.
Then, got the alley Wait, wait, wait.
- Who the who the X? You the X? - I'm the X.
- FISH: I'm the X.
- JASON: All right.
FISH: Don't know why your pallet's square, man.
Pallet's not square.
(overlapping chatter) Hey, hey, Jay, look, I got some bad news for you, man.
Yeah, what's up? I just saw Dianne blowing Lloyd on the sidewalk by the liquor store.
Man, stop playing.
We're trying to get this plan together.
- What? - Hey, man, it's no joke.
I'm for real.
She was excited.
Doing the whole two-hand thing.
You know Oh, oh.
- Oh, oh.
- Oh.
Man, she was amazing.
She was giving Lloyd fellatio in public with no shame.
Hold on, hold on.
Dianne and Lloyd? You sure it was Dianne? I hate to show this to you, but bam, right there.
That's Dianne, that's Lloyd, and that's the alley by the liquor store.
She ain't even need no knee pad.
Hey, um, Jay BOONIE: I-I was thinking about it the whole time, man.
It's got to be blackmail.
Lloyd got some dirt on her, now she got to be his sex slave.
No, man, God cannot hate me this much.
Hey, man, I know that's your girl, man.
I'm sorry that happened, man.
That's why I date Shalinka, man.
I ain't got to worry about nobody letting her suck their (bleep) but me.
But anyway, I got the burkas out here, man.
Y'all want to come check 'em out? BOONIE: Hey, man, what do I look like? Like the fat black ghost from Pac-Man.
BOONIE: Hey, man.
FISH: Come on, y'all, let's go.
Oh, shit! Pick up the phone, Lloyd.
Come on, pick up the phone, you bum-ass nigga.
- LLOYD: Hey, Vic.
- Lloyd.
Lloyd, look, look, it's going down right now.
They on the move, man.
Look, man, they out there right now, and they're dressed up like bitches, man.
They got dresses on, Lloyd.
This is number six impersonation! And they're about to go to number seven, I can tell! Number seven?! Yes, Lloyd, number seven deployment! (crickets chirping) Hey, let's go.
All right, we got 90 seconds to do this.
Let's go.
All right, a little more, little more.
Little more, little more.
Okay, okay, stop, stop, stop, stop.
No bullshit, Boonie.
Get your ass up, man.
Come on.
Come on, come on, hurry up! In the name of the United States government, freeze, (bleep)! Is that Vic? Man, that nigga's shooting at us.
United States Navy! Aah! - Get back in there! - Let's move, y'all! Let's go! Hey, be cool, be cool.
Act like there's money on your debit card.
- VIC: Where you niggas at? - Whoa! Hey! Get up out of here! VIC: Stop! And then freeze! I'm coming, man.
- I'm coming.
- (screaming) - I'm gonna kill my mama, man.
- Watch out, Jay.
Watch out, man.
- Eat that, bitch! Eat it! - Get down! Get down! Get down! What's wrong with you, bitch? Crazy (bleep).
Come on! - Boonie, watch your back! - How dare you betray your country! - WOMAN (over P.
A.
): Security to produce.
- Vic, have you lost your mind?! White people in this store.
White lives matter! - What are you? - (yelling) (groaning) - Damn cheap-ass bitch.
- Yeah, that's right.
- Cheap ass.
- Oh, man.
What you want, patent leather face? - (grunting) - Let's get it on! Yeah! It's the one thing.
You can't hit my face! Jesus! What the (bleep).
Time out! man?! - That's Jesus, man.
- I was on that high-ass cross for this?! Let's get out of here, Jay.
Come on.
Stop this foolishness! Pardon me for my cussing, but, look, man, you're (bleep) up right now! (siren blaring) They got to be here.
Stay here, Lloyd.
(grunting) Stop resisting! Stop resisting arrest! - Dianne? - Jason?! - (sighs) - Hey, baby.
Oh.
(siren blaring, Dianne laughing) You guys are so lucky the manager's not pressing any charges.
Vic, if you thought something was going down, why didn't you call the police? I think somebody did try to call the police.
And what's gonna happen to the con man and his crew? DIANNE: What's gonna happen? - Nothing.
- They're terrorists.
- They're losers, Vic.
- But They were just stealing pallets.
- It's over.
- But Vic, look, you're the dumb one here.
Okay? You could have gone to jail tonight.
Just go home, relax.
(chuckles) So, I heard, uh, you're a terrorist.
I heard you gave Lloyd head in the parking lot.
What?! No, I didn't! Come on, baby girl, don't lie.
- I got it all on video.
- Oh, okay.
- I know what that looks like.
- Why you call the cops, Lloyd? I was frightened.
I was scared for my country.
I was scared for you, Vic.
Guess everybody can't be sheepdogs.
(chuckles) I heard that.
(Dianne coughing and retching on video) As-salaam alaikum, Vic.
Get your hands out of my face, man.
Beware of the sheepdog, (bleep).
Fish, your rent is due on Tuesday.
What happened today don't change nothing.
Hey Vic, you look like a crackhead baked potato that got burnt.
(laughter) - You done.
- You bad.