Black Mirror (2011) s02e03 Episode Script

This programme contains strong language and scenes that some viewers may find disturbing or upsetting.
DOOR OPENS Ahem.
They're ready for you.
Gwendolyn Harris.
We've met.
Bournemouth.
But you don't know the others.
No, but I'm familiar with you.
Why do you want to be an MP? Because I'm not satisfied with the way things are, and rather than sit back and moan I'd prefer to do something about it.
Go again from the top.
I don't know why anyone's surprised the world's number one teen idol has become a Scientologist.
Speed up the autocue, please.
Pop stars do believe in weird things.
'Abba believed in angels.
R Kelly believed he could fly' They said show you this.
This happened just now? Mm-hmm.
Gladwell? "Shamed Tory Jason Gladwell resigns," - capitals - "over Twitter porn pics scandal.
" Oh, so he wasn't hacked after all.
"Originally claimed his account had been hacked, "resignation statement admits inappropriate correspondence "with a 15-year-old girl.
" So tweeting dick photos is correspondence now, is it? "Departure triggers a by-election "in his Stentonford and Hersham constituency.
" Well, you get to use the Gladwell stuff.
Mm-hmm.
Bump it all up to the top of the monologue.
Anyone seen Jamie? PHONE DIALLING Rach? 'You really shouldn't be calling me any more.
'You need to sort yourself out.
' I am.
'Focus on Waldo, that's going well for you.
' But it is not 'He's a hit, Jamie.
' "He.
" Not me, "he".
'Just do your show.
' I will.
I mean, hon, if you'd just PHONE CUTS OFF (KNOCKING) Jamie? Jamie, hurry up.
What do you know about Stentonford and Hersham? Safe Tory seat.
So, realistically, I know there's not much of a chance, but So, it's a stepping stone for you? Yes.
Obviously, I wouldn't say that outside of this room, but, well, you want me to be honest.
There's no point in pretending.
Is there anything in your past that might conceivably cause problems? No.
Except .
.
I did commit a series of murders in Huddersfield between 1999 and 2003.
But apart from that Well, thank you, Gwendolyn.
If you could leave via that door.
Oh, that door? We like to keep the candidates separate.
Right, yes.
(MUTTERS) Idiot.
Idiot! Shamed super groomer and all-round pillock of the community Jason Gladwell has resigned as an MP, saying he could no longer maintain his position.
That position, presumably, being hunched over wanking madly at school kids.
'A pal of Gladwell said' You ready? Uh-huh.
.
.
how old the girl wasn't.
That's the sort of feeble excuse 'only a naive school kid would swallow - 'which, presumably, was the idea.
'Anyway, the bad news is he's resigned in disgrace.
' The good news is he's now free to pursue a full-time career in the disgraced paedophile industry.
LAUGHTER Personally, I don't understand why anyone's surprised Um, small change to the intro.
What? Nothing huge, Conor wanted the Jacko gag for the monologue, so That was my bit.
There is the Chancellor stuff, you could use that.
Bit politics.
You can do politics.
I do piss-taking.
Go be Waldo.
Yes, commander.
'R Kelly believed he could fly, 'and Michael Jackson believed that his doctor was qualified' (DEEP VOICE) Big ball blue bear bollocks.
And now it's time for our final visit to the world of educational children's programming courtesy of everyone's favourite, and only occasionally inappropriate cool kids' TV character, Waldo.
Whose mum's in tonight, apparently.
Waldo, who have you had in your cave this week? Well, Conor, in my big pink cave this week I had former Minister for Culture Liam Monroe.
Oh, he's quite handsome, isn't he? I was hoping he'd nosh me off! Want to see how it panned out? I think we should.
Run VT! APPLAUSE LAUGHTER Hey, everybody! It's Waldo time! Yeah! Cool! Cool! Waldo-rrific! Ha-ha-ha! Hey, kids, my guest this week is Mr Monroe.
Hello, Mr Monroe.
Hello, Waldo.
Mr Monroe is a politician.
So, what is a politician, Mr Monroe? Well, a politician is someone who tries to make the world a fairer place.
Like Batman.
Not exactly like Batman.
Do you beat people up? No, I don't beat people up.
Oh, you're a pussy then? Well, I'm not sure I know exactly what You don't know what pussy is? LAUGHTER OK, this is clearly some kind of joke.
No joke, sorry, let's move on.
Friends again? (KISSES) Oh, hello, mate, great show.
Well done, really good.
So, we'll bring him over.
You go and get him, I'll explain about 'Now, he comes across' Jamie! (WALDO'S VOICE) What you want, Miss Tamsin? Behind me, man in glasses talking to Jack Napier.
Jack freaks me out.
Yeah, ditto, but he owns the company and the man he's with is important and wants to talk to you.
(SIGHS) He's from the channel.
Go on.
'Honestly, all I'm saying' 'Is he shy?' 'No, all I'm saying is he's a terrific guy' Jim, Jamie, Jamie, Jim.
How do you do? Jim, Jack, James.
Jamie.
Jim was just talking about Waldo.
Yeah.
Liam Monroe has lodged a complaint.
Toys out the pram.
And that's? Good press.
It's so tough to get a breakthrough these days, but when it does, well, it's just fantastic.
It's fantastic the way Waldo puts the piss up Monroe.
You know, all those twats, it's punk, it'sit's 'Jack?' Excuse me.
Well, Twitter can't get enough of Waldo, loves him.
Look, I know the show's coming back again next year, but we want to see more of Waldo.
They want to do a pilot.
A Waldo pilot? Yeah.
I mean, how does that sound? Yeah.
Sounds good.
Sounds stormin' Norman, fucking stormin'.
Going to give it to 'em.
PHONE BEEPS But look, we can't do sketches without Waldo.
It's a Waldo pilot, it's a Waldo show, it's got to be Waldo, Waldo, Waldo.
Realistically, there isn't the budget for other animations.
I mean live action, other characters I can do.
What about the Brown Knight? What, the crap crusader? We can look into the Brown Knight.
But right now let's find more Waldo ideas.
The problem is, any guests we book will be in on it.
They know that Waldo's a joke, the surprise is gone.
So, we think round that.
(WALD) Hey, boys and girls! It's Waldo time! Yeah! Ha-ha! He's awesome, isn't he? I mean, look - sod name in lights, you're an app now, my brother.
All right, Sara? How's the think tanking going, good shit? Um, yeah, yeah, we're making headway.
Good.
I see our friend Monroe is in the news again, running in the Stentonford by-election.
We should get Waldo down there.
Hey, that's not a bad idea, actually.
We get a van with a screen with the image of Waldo on the side.
Like it.
And then, when Monroe's doing a meet and greet, we just turn up and just get under his skin.
I love that, I love it.
We've done Monroe.
But it was a great bit.
I'm not dumb or clever enough to be political Why don't we get Waldo to stand for the by-election? Get people to vote for him? He's not real.
But people have stood as fictional characters before.
Do you think Screaming Lord Sutch was his real name? We just put "commonly known as" on the ballot.
No-one's actually going to vote for him, that's not the point.
The point is, we get to hang around, we're there for the count.
Well, go on then, Sara, whack it up there.
'He's with a mum and baby group.
' OK.
Going live in fivefourthree two 'Thank you so much for joining me this morning.
' It's been incredibly informative and I think we should have a little round of applause for the children, who were fantastic.
Thank you, Naomi.
Thank you for your time.
Hey! Hey, it's me Waldo.
Oh.
I like your trainers, man! I'd wear trainers myself but I can't cos I haven't got feet.
I've got stumps.
(THEY LAUGH) He's out.
Hey, Mr Monroe! Mr Monroe.
Hey! Did you get off with any of the mums? Where'd you look while they were breastfeeding? They got big milky tits, Mr Monroe! He said it! Mr Monroe, don't walk away from me! I'm sorry about this, Liam.
Hey, I'm being snubbed! Hey, don't ignore me.
Don't just get in your car.
It's a death trap anyway, look at it! Let's find out what we can about the idiot inside that thing.
Sure.
Mr Monroe.
Oi! PHONE RINGING 'Stentonford Labour Party.
' Right, you've got a choice of styles, so just choose one from there.
Then you put your name in there.
This is like bloody Moonpig.
Don't knock the free mail out.
Bet Liam Monroe doesn't use some Fisher-Price leaflet app.
He doesn't have to.
Day one of the campaign in Stentonford and Hersham, and Tory hopeful Liam Monroe hits the ground running.
The licence fee is something that's very close to my heart 'Mr Monroe, ey! Oh, oh, oh! Look at me Mr Monroe, please!' Hey, over here! Hey, over here Look over here, Mr Monroe The Conservative Party have been, er Have been arguing for a reduction of the licence fee for Good morning, everybody.
Pardon? Why you ignoring me, Mr Monroe? Mr Monroe? Why you ignoring me? I beg your pardon.
I'm sorry.
It's rather loud.
We have argued for a further reduction in the licence fee Mr Monroe? Why you ignoring me? Mum with a pushchair - drag her into it.
Hey, you.
Mum with the pushchair.
Yeah, you.
Ask Mr Monroe why he's ignoring me.
Why are you ignoring Waldo? 'Mr Monroe, what's Waldo done to you?' We should probably just shift before this turns stupid.
I'm not walking away from a cartoon.
'I'm not ignoring you.
' Yeah, you were, you upset me.
You made Waldo sad.
Wa-a-a-a-a-a-ah.
Well, obviously, I'm absolutely devastated that you're upset WA-A-A-A-A-A-A (CROWD LAUGHS) Let him get a word in.
I'm not ignoring you because there is no you.
You are an image voiced by a comedian - an alleged comedian, more accurately.
If I'm not real, why you talking to him? And by "him" I mean me, knobber! (CROWD LAUGHS) There's no point in attempting to converse with a cartoon.
Ooh, "converse", Your Lordship! Thy flowery language doth give me a right throbbing bone-on! Uh-ha-ha-ha-huh! (CROWD GASPS AND LAUGHS) Uh-er-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-uh-uh-uh! Uh-uh-uh-oh! Huh! Finished.
(CROWD LAUGHS) Drink? I've got e-mails.
You know that's Gwendolyn Harris? The Labour candidate.
Did you read my background doc? Yes.
Why don't you read it tonight? Alone.
I'll swing by about nine, so have your breakfast first Are you my dad? Apparently not.
See you tomorrow.
(TELEVISION)'.
.
Waldo the bear left Monroe in stunned silence.
'The colourful Waldo launched his own campaign 'in typically loud and crowd-pleasing style' Someone's bold? Do I know you? Nice way to greet a voter Sorry, I thought you were Actually, I'm more of a rival.
"Hey, Mr Monroe, Mr Monroe, why are you ignoring me, Mr Monroe?" You're good at that! Because I am that.
What? You're that thing? Waldo's not a thing, he's a bear.
Liam Monroe calls him worse.
Nice work there, by the way.
Yeah, well.
It's dick jokes at his expense basically.
Another one? OK.
One.
The way you describe it, it's like you're doing this for a showreel No .
.
like this place is the equivalent of a walk-on in a sketch show Shh! .
.
but your party leader has to show up because it's amid-thing Midterm by-election.
Terminology tits.
You are 12! So because leaderballs is there, suddenly it's walk-on in a Ricky Gervais sketch show so it's good exposure.
You're not going to win, you know you're not going to win Come on, shh.
You're not going to win though.
Of course not.
So, why not be honest? Say, "You arseholes aren't going to vote for me, "so here's what I think anyway.
"? It doesn't work like that.
Nothing does, that's why everything's bollocksed.
You're angry, for someone who's doing well.
I'm the voice of a blue bear if that's, "doing well," then we are doomed! I can't see! Hang on, there's a thing.
Have you had a fox in here or do you live like a 14-year-old? Well, don't get too excited, I'm not sleeping in it.
Shit, really? (You're amazing.
) Sorry? You're amazing? Oh, thank you! (SIGHS) What's up? Nothing.
Are you sure? It's just .
.
I haven't been happy in a while .
.
and this is good, you know? Hm.
Can Ihave your number? Yes! (GIGGLES) Where's our mark this morning? We're out on the road.
Oohbien sur.
Oh, hello, I'm Mr Monroe.
Vote for me and keep things shitty.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! PHONE KEYPAD BEEPING PHONE BEEPS Vote Waldo! Vote Waldo! Vote Waldo! Vote Waldo! 'You're right.
Strong Tory.
' 'I warned you.
' You know you're on Monroe turf when they live so far apart.
CAR HORN BEEPING I'm voting Waldo! I met Waldo last night.
Jamie, the guy who plays him.
He's fun.
Fun? Mmm-hmm.
Did you tell him anything about our campaign? Not really.
Not really or no? Er, not really.
Look, he's OK.
He's a comedian - he's mocking Monroe now, it'll be you next.
His act is all f-this and penis jokes.
But Don't see him again.
OK.
Job done till the husting tomorrow.
Some media students doing a Question Time type thing.
They've asked Waldo to join the panel.
Oh, come on.
It's my nightmare, going on Question Time.
It's students, you'll walk it.
I can't answer serious questions No-one wants you to! You're the comic relief, lighten up.
Erm, just have a look.
I'm sure you'll find lots in there PHONE RINGING Are there any particular issues that you're concerned about at all? TONE BEEPING Hey.
Oh, hi.
I thought we were going to? Sorry - I've had a tough day Right.
Not even one? Sorry.
Well, what about tomorrow? Look, I can't, when this is happening, I can't see you.
What do you mean? I'm sorry.
Do they think that looks like Question Time? Yeah.
It looks politicsy.
Check the host.
Jailbait Dimbleby.
When it comes to addiction and addicts, we should sympathise, but we shouldn't patronise.
You know, serious drug use is a criminal offence, that is committed voluntarily and for pleasure AUDIENCE MUTTERS MUTINOUSLY Look, I'm sorry, these are the facts.
Waldo, what do you think? Mr Monroe, are you addicted? No.
Sorry, I mean, are you a dickhead? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I think we have to ask ourselves I think we have to ask ourselves, what is this for? And why do we waste our time with animated trivialities like him? AUDIENCE WHOOPING I mean why? Why? I mean why? (ON A LOOP) I mean why? I mean why? I mean why? I mean why? This is just the kind of thing rather than see you laugh They laugh at you, Limbo.
You laugh, you're laughing at someone who won't engage.
Who is scared to engage, who hides behind a children's cartoon.
Who you calling a kiddy toon, fool? I'mI'mI'm speaking about James Salter.
Hm? Don't worry about it.
That's your name, isn't it? James Salter, this is the man who's behind all this.
He's 33 years old, a man whose career can be summed up surprisingly quickly.
You were in a sketch troupe that enjoyed minor success about six years ago, and the others moved on to better things, but your main achievement seems to have been playing the part of a corn on the cob in a high-interest personal loan commercial.
LAUGHTER I notice you keep that pretty quiet.
And now of course operating this sort of teddy bear thing.
Which by the way is easier than it looks.
Anyone could do it.
See, this isthis is the thing.
It's easy, what he does.
He mocks.
And when he can't think of an authentic joke, which is actually quite often, he just swears.
I think that this puppet's inclusion on this panel debases the process of debate, and smothers any meaningful discussion of the issues.
So I return to my original question, is that really what this is for? He has nothing to offer and he has nothing to say.
Prove me wrong.
Hm? Speak, Waldo.
Please.
Come on.
Speak up.
There you see, nothing.
Oh, go fuck yourself.
LAUGHTER It's more swearing.
You're a joke.
You look less human than I do and I'm a made-up bear with a turquoise cock.
LAUGHTER What are you? You're just an old attitude with new hair.
Assuming you're my superior because I'm not taking you seriously? No-one takes you seriously, that's why no-one votes.
The vast majority do vote.
It's bullshit.
Surely this is enough? You think you deserve respect.
Just common courtesy.
Because you went to public school and believed you were entitled to everything.
Perhaps we could get back Ad hominem nonsense Gwendolyn Harris Something's got to change.
No-one trusts you lot cos they know you don't give a shit about anything outside your bubble.
What about your mate Gladwell, the kiddy-flasher? You knew him for 20 years, did you not know what he was like? No, of course not.
Yeah, cos you're all just front, like him, sly and pretending, and in that way you're all the same.
Gwendolyn Harris, is all of politics a waste of time? Well, of course I think no Oh, shut up, you're worse! Seriously, she's faker than him.
For once I agree with Liam Monroe in that this Are you going to win? .
.
doesn't get us anywhere and there's no point in us continuing Tell them why you're here.
.
.
if we can't have anything resembling a deba Tell them why you're here.
She's here to build a showreel.
I'm not kidding, that's literally it.
Knows she's not going to win.
This is all experience, to get on telly.
She actually gives less of a shit about anyone round here than he does, because he'll actually have to represent you.
Am I wrong? A career politician.
Someone else less real than me, and I can do this.
LAUGHTER AND WHOOPING Can I just make a couple of points? Oh, shut up, you pebble.
What is this for? That's what you wanted to know, Mr Monroe.
And the truth is, none of us know any more, thanks to you.
What are you for? What are you for? Thank you and goodnight.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING KNOCKING Jamie.
Jamie? Jack's here.
He wants to see us.
You can't avoid it.
Get dressed, he'll meet us outside.
(TV) 'And yet accusations of vapidity aside, 'it's clearly tapped a nerve.
'in just three days, Waldo has gone viral.
'The video of his clash has already been viewed over a million times 'on YouTube.
There are Facebook groups calling on Waldo 'to form a national party.
' 'You're a joke.
'You look less human than I do and I'm a made-up bear with 'a turquoise (BLEEP) What are you? 'You're just an old attitude with new hair.
'Assuming you're my superior because I'm not taking you seriously.
'No-one takes you (BLEEP) seriously.
' MAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY Oh, look, here he is the man of the moment! How does it feel to be a phenomenon? Shitifying.
You are everywhere, my son.
Twitter, the news Have you seen the poll? You're in third place, mate.
You overtook that Lib Dem prick Yeah, well, he's a glass of water.
This is an opportunity, Jamie.
He knows my name now.
We could really do something here.
You know, everyone's pissed with the status quo.
And Waldo gives that a voice.
Waldo's a bear.
A blue bear.
Tell him, Tams.
We've been asked on Consensus.
It's a ten-minute one-to-one interview with Phillip Crane.
Pitbull Crane? Big guns for big guns.
Hello? I'm not a politician, OK? I don't want to be a politician.
We know that you hate politics.
I don't hate them, I'm just not interested in them.
You don't need to be interested in them.
You just need to be Waldo.
And when Crane asks something tricky and I look stupid because I don't know how to answer? You'll know the answer.
Because you have a producer.
Look, I can tell you what to say.
I can live Google any facts, give you stats, quotes, whatever else you need.
So you've got a safety net for the concrete stuff and the rest is Waldo and you can do that in your sleep.
You'll piss all over Crane.
He'll know there's a team around me, he'll see it.
Yeah good.
I hope he does.
I hope he points a camera at it.
All the other MPs have got teams, we're just more honest about it.
Now come on.
What d'you say? Eh? Jamie! Jamie! Why would I want to do this? Look, the world is knackered and you can do something about it.
I don't know what you're on about.
Waldo has got the attention of the young, and the young don't give a shit about anything except trainers and pirating films.
Do you have any other astounding theories about young people? Yeah, yeah I do actually.
Look, they care about Waldo.
They'll vote for Waldo.
The video was a hit for a reason.
The video's embarrassing.
I'm embarrassed by it.
I was lashing out.
I wasn't even articulate - Doesn't matter.
Or funny, which is almost worse.
We can build on that.
Waldo's not real.
Exactly! That's what you said that really hit home.
He's not real, but he's realer than all the others.
He doesn't stand for anything.
Yeah, well, at least he doesn't pretend to.
Look wewe don't need politicians, we've all got iPhones and computers, right? So any decision that has to be made, any policy, we just put it online.
Let the people vote thumbs up, thumbs down, the majority wins.
That's a democracy.
That's a that's an actual democracy.
So's YouTube and I don't know if you've seen it but the most popular video is a dog farting the theme tune to Happy Days.
Well, today it's Waldo.
No.
It's still the dog.
Listen, can you imagine all the things we can change if we fuck the politicians out the equation? I've said what I've said and now I'm shutting this door.
Do you know who owns Waldo? I do, I own the rights.
He's my character.
Yeah, written for my show.
You're too frightened to take to the next level.
Fine.
I understand.
But also, fuck off! And watch me fly.
You own Waldo, you can't be Waldo.
(MIMICS WALDO) Eh, Jamie, Jamie, Jamie, what's 'appenin, eh? Pretty close, I'd say.
What's happenin'? Ahh! Waldorific, yeah! Yeah! Why is it going off left again? Because the I know! I've got my Put your thumb in the white thing.
I got that.
In there? OK.
That's not how that works.
First tonight, a figure - or more accurately a character - who's been causing an upset in the Stentonford by-election.
Unlike the other candidates, he has no party affiliation.
He doesn't even have a surname.
He is Waldo, a few weeks ago just a cult character in a comedy show.
Today, an official mascot for protest voters.
Vote Waldo.
Cartoons don't play by the rules and Waldo's open disdain for his opponents has clearly struck a chord.
Waldo, as a mascot for the disenfranchised, aren't you ultimately neutralizing seriously effective dissent? please? By encouraging people not to care, you're actively dangerous.
Dangerous? You think the public can't be trusted? No.
Isn't that basically you calling them twats? No, I Bell-ends then? Did you come for a discussion or You're snooty for a glorified Punch And Judy man, Phil.
You know you're gonna get your best ratings in months cos I'm here.
To even get close to the figures I'm gonna pull in for you tonight, you'd have to fuck a prawn sandwich live on air.
Make a nice prawn cocktail.
Could we make a serious political point that is I've got one big blue point to make, fool.
Would you like to have a look at it? Oh, God.
Thank you.
Great work tonight.
Look atLook at this, look at this.
It's The Waldo polling app.
Now, this can pinpoint you with GPS so that when you're at a polling station, it unlocks loads of free shit, look.
Thanks for voting, dickhead! Thanks for voting, dickhead! It's good, isn't it? Who's this guy we're meeting? I dunno.
But he's from Washington and he's got my restricted number.
Jeff Carter, from the agency.
Hey.
Hey.
And I'll leap right in.
I think what you're doing with Waldo is fascinating.
From "the agency"? Yeah, listen.
Waldo may be the perfect political figurehead.
Waldo The Bear.
The bear, people like.
The fact he's a bear is an assist.
An assist? It helps.
Right.
You look at human politicians, you're instinctively like, "brrrr" - uncanny, right? Like the girls in porn.
You know something's wrong, cos why else are they doing it? It's usually daddy issues, eh? Just like politics.
Waldo bypasses that.
You already know he's not real, so no personal flaws.
I'm a person.
With respect, Waldo's more than you.
He's a team, and you're open about that, which is fantastic.
The honesty thing works.
Waldo is a construct people not just accept but embrace.
At the moment he's anti-politics, which is a political stance itself, right? But he could deliver any brand of political content, minus the potential downsides of a human messenger.
In a debate, your team could Google every word the other guy says, then let Waldo hit him with debunk stats and spit a Twitter-ready zinger into the next sentence.
He's the perfect assassin.
We won't win, though.
You guys are so British.
No, of course he won't win.
You started out too coarse off the bat.
There's no substantial basis to what you offer, and the whole nihilist "democracy sucks" thing, yeah, is kind of wack-a-doo, but with a targeted, hopeful message, which we can provide, energising the disenfranchised without spooking the middle via your new platform You got a global political-entertainment product people actually want.
You could roll this out worldwide.
Like Pringles.
Absolutely.
It's, er It's interesting stuff though.
When you're done with Stentonford, there may be an opportunity in South America.
Se puede hablar espanol? Vivi en Madrid tres anos.
Excelente.
What? He's not coming.
But he's the party leader! It's too toxic.
(TV) Meanwhile, as support for Gwendolyn Harris appears to be dwindling, Labour denies the party is losing faith in their young candidate.
But Miss Harris spent most of the day locked in crisis talks at party headqu In the Stentonford by-election, Waldo the cartoon bear continues Did you see Gwendolyn Harris yesterday? She looks like she's been poisoned.
Because he's gonna overtake her.
We're still way ahead.
If that thing is the main opposition then the whole system looks absurd.
Which it may well be.
But it built these roads.
KNOCK AT DOOR Just come in, Roy.
I'm sorry, OK? It was wrong to speak to you like that and After the campaign, I would've called you.
After the campaign! All you've done is strengthen Monroe.
You won't win either, but I was at least attempting to represent Well I don't know! Not just "bollocks to everything".
If you were preaching revolution, well that'd be something, but you're not because that would require courage and a mindset.
And what have you got? Who are you? What are you for? Morning.
So, final push.
You remind everyone that's got the app that if they recommend it to a friend it unlocks a little fez for Waldo.
We're here.
Attention, shoppers.
I'm here to ask you an important favour.
Gather round.
Come over here and listen.
Don't vote for me.
I'm an insult.
Seriously.
Vote for Monroe or Harris or, I dunno, UKIP, or even that Lib Dem guy.
He's a prick! Seriously, only an arsehole would actually vote for me.
What is this? Irony? I'm worse than a wasted vote.
He's from the Harris campaign.
I mean it, you idiots! Don't vote for me! Don't vote for me! Don't vote for me! Don't vote for me! Don't vmmmf! Shut up.
No.
Don't boo him, he's right! He's right! What are you doing? Resigning.
Jamie! Look! It's me, I'm Waldo.
This guy, whoever this guy is, he's a hero.
You should throw stuff at Waldo, he's bad bloody news.
He's funny! He's not.
Don't listen to that man, he's a lesbian.
Ahh! So remember, the polls are open, and if you've got my app, you can unlock new stuff like catchphrases and a little hat 'n' that.
Only an idiot wouldn't vote for me so question the status quo! Kill it! Kill it! Kick them where it hurts.
The first man to hit him gets 500 quid! Yeah, that's right.
Knock him down.
Knock him down.
Smash it! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah (TV) I, the undersigned, being the returning officer for the Stentonford and Hersham constituency, hereby give notice that the total number of votes recorded for each candidate at the election is as follows.
Finch, Simon Arthur.
Liberal Democrats.
2,449.
APPLAUSE Harris, Gwendolyn Jodie.
Labour.
11,237.
APPLAUSE AND BOOING Monroe, Liam George Tennyson.
Conservative.
19,161.
JEERING Waldo, Independent.
16,784.
BOOING AND SHOUTING LadiesLadies and gentlemen, please! I declare that Liam Monroe is duly elected member of Parliament for the constituency.
BOOING Hey, hey! Everyone! 500 quid to anyone who can lob a shoe! Up you get, come on.
Come on! MECHANICAL WHIRRING Come on.
Out you go.
AUDIO IN MANDARIN GLASS SMASHES Oi! Agh! Red Bee Media Ltd