Bookie (2023) s02e03 Episode Script

1
- Danny?
- What?
What are you doing?
I'm cooking salmon. What do you
think I'm doing? I'm taking a leak.
- Are you sure?
- Go away.
Do you need to see a doctor?
No, it's just It's
slower than it used to be.
- It sounds like some kind of blockage.
- Stop listening.
[SCOFFS] God.
[DANNY] Are you still there?
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh! Yikes.
Whoa!
- Come here.
- What?
Just come here. Look at that.
Why do I gotta see that?
[SANDRA] What? She
can't enjoy the backyard?
- I'm gonna say no.
- Don't be an idiot.
As long as we're on the
subject, it's been six months.
When is Wilma Flintstone
gonna go back to Bedrock?
She's my mother. This is my home.
She's welcome as long as she wants.
So, I don't get a vote?
Yeah, you get a vote. Go ahead. Vote.
Have a nice day.
Oh, I've been holding off on this
until we were on solid ground,
but I gotta ask about
the half a million dollars
you took during our brief separation.
- Careful
- Just hear me out.
Just thinking. Now
that we've reconciled,
perhaps that money could make its
way back into the community pool.
- No.
- Babe
That amount of cash is clumsy.
You've got to be able to hide it.
You've got to be judicious
of where and how you spend it.
- I know.
- Well, at least tell me where it is.
- No.
- No?
No, that's my God forbid money.
God forbid what?
God forbid something
should happen to you.
Nothing's gonna happen to me.
What if something happens to you?
Danny, if something's
happening, it's happening to you.
And more important, if you don't
know where it is, you can't squeal.
- Squeal? Why would I squeal?
- Maybe you're being tortured.
You've contemplated me being tortured.
All the time.
I love you.
What?
[MAN] Howdy, neighbor.
- Hey!
- Let me guess.
Sandra's mom.
Good for you.
Well, two beautiful women.
- There's a definite resemblance.
- Thank you.
The checkout girl at Costco
thought we were sisters.
I believe it.
I'm Nathan.
- Wendy.
- Well, Wendy, you have a lovely day.
I was about to make
myself a Bloody Mary.
- Oh?
- I hate to drink alone.
- I'll do it, but I don't like it.
- Be right over.
Why don't you throw
that money in the back?
I like holding it. It comforts me.
Do you mind if I Whoa!
Blood sugar in the dumper?
What? Do we need to pull over
and get you an Egg McMuffin?
- I'm sorry.
- What's going on?
I'm paying $25,000 a
month to live in a mansion.
And Grandma's more miserable than
she was when we were in Boyle Heights.
Frank's still struggling?
Frank shits himself at the dinner table.
- Oh, God.
- He's okay with it.
He thinks it's funny.
There's no dignity in getting old.
That's why I want the Widowmaker.
All four ventricles explode
during Monday Night Football.
Boom, done! Hello, Jesus.
And I imagine going in my
sleep, surrounded by loved ones.
And to be honest with you,
today my loved ones
could go fuck themselves.
Sounds like the second honeymoon's over.
- I blame you.
- Huh?
You know, you said, "If you
love her, go get her." Asshole.
By the way, we're half a million
dollars light on her Super Bowl money.
- What? Why?
- It's not gone. It exists.
- It's just not in the fucking bag.
- Yeah, keep talking.
It was part of the separation
agreement with Sandra.
So you have a falling out with your wife
and it cost me a half a million dollars?
Don't freak out. It's
coming out of my end.
Bet your ass, it is.
As long as we're
talking about accounting,
I donated $10,000 to the Aryan Nation.
Again, it's coming out of my end.
The Aryan Nation?
If you've been there,
you wouldn't hate me.
All right.
Oh, and
I gave $1,200 to a tow truck driver with
a cancer kazoo and a hook for a hand.
[CHUCKLES] Funny story. He
Maybe for another time.
[HECTOR] All this time you
didn't think to consult with me?
Why do I need to consult with you?
Because we're partners.
I'm the face of this business.
I'm the licensed psychedelic therapist.
You're nothing. We made that up.
It's like saying, "I'm
Thor, God of thunder."
Don't be a nerd.
Voilà!
- Jesus.
- Yeah.
I got, like, eight
other units just like it.
Enough psilocybin to
turn on every man woman
and Labradoodle in Orange County.
How do you know it's safe?
Walt Disney owns the building.
Okay. What's his cut?
Well, firstly remember, 50% of something
is better than 100% of nothing.
So he's a full partner?
Well, he's our connection
to Newport Beach,
Huntington Beach, Anaheim,
you know the parts of California
that wish they were Texas.
What about your brother?
What about him? This is
out of his jurisdiction.
All right. So when do I meet Mr. Disney?
Why do you need to meet him?
I don't know, because
he's my new partner.
I'll handle Walt.
- Nice. Nice.
- What?
You think I don't see what's
happening. You're pushing me out.
No one's pushing you out.
Need I remind you that without me,
you'd still be selling this shit
to biker gangs and hiding in dumpsters.
I made you.
Hell, I'm the one who
said you should wear a hat.
I'm not talking to
you till you calm down.
- Where are you going?
- Leaving.
How are you gonna do
that? We took my car.
- Oh. Well, let's go.
- Okay.
- [CELL PHONE VIBRATES]
- Costa Rica.
- Hello?
- Danny Colavito. Nick Quatrani here.
Okay, Nick, where's here?
The lovely sun-drenched township
of Tamarindo, Costa Rica.
How'd you get this number?
The same way I know you're
driving east on Wilshire Boulevard.
- What can we do for you, Nick?
- It's what I can do for you guys.
I'm head of affiliate
outreach at Omni Bets,
the premier sports
book in Central America.
And that's including Panama, Nicaragua,
and any minute now, Honduras.
What?
- You still there?
- We're listening.
We are big fans of what
you built in Los Angeles
and want you to become part
of the Omni affiliate family.
How do you know what we built?
The same way I know your rear
right tire needs a little air.
That's very kind of you, Nick,
but we're happy working
for ourselves right now.
But if anything changes,
we'll give you a call.
Okay, when the time is right,
I'd love to fly you guys
down here, wine and dine you,
show you the Third World
is really the first world
when it comes to steaks,
lobster tails and blowjobs.
That's the trifecta.
All right, well, you got my
number. Hit me back, boys.
How did he hack my car?
You're asking me? I need my
12-year-old to turn on the fucking TV.
That is crazy. I wanted
to join the Peace Corps.
Yeah, right? Bringing clean water to
a small village with huts and whatnot.
Make a difference.
Yeah. You see, that was
our generation, right?
- Hey, now do me. Okay?
- Mmm. Mmm-hmm.
Coming at you, Kemosabe.
All right, I'm fair-skinned,
so rub it in good.
- Hey, guys.
- Oh, hi.
- You know Nathan?
- I do.
- Hey, Nathan.
- Hi, Sandra.
How's Helen?
She's good. She's a real plow horse.
- That's Nathan's wife.
- She works downtown.
She's gone when I get up.
- But she does come home.
- I guess.
What's this scar? I
bet that's got a story.
Just get your shingles
vaccine. That's all I'm saying.
Okay, well, I gotta open the
shop, so I'll talk to you later.
- Thanks for stopping by, Nathan.
- Hi to Danny.
Yeah, there you go. You make a good one.
Thank you, Greg
Gory.
While I've got you here, I should
take this opportunity to say,
it's been a pleasure working with you,
and I wish you continued success.
- You quit?
- I've been let go after 28 years.
Summarily dismissed.
HR finally catch up with you?
- [GREGORY] AI.
- What?
They can't replace you with a logarithm.
Algorithm. And tell that to
the bank's new Korean overlords.
Damn, man. We're gonna miss you.
Well, perhaps there's a way we
could maintain our relationship.
Sure, we could grab a lunch.
No, I'm talking about
a business relationship.
- What kind of business?
- Cards on the table.
That's where most cards wind up.
I know what you do, and I believe
I could be of immense help.
What do you think we do?
Cowboys plus three, overs and unders,
Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh my
As I'm sure you know, cash kept in a
safety deposit box shrinks over time.
Pass the honey. Thank you.
In 1970, in this very diner,
a Denver omelet cost $1.75.
Now it costs $16,
and that doesn't include
the dysentery. [GIGGLES]
We get inflation. What's your pitch?
Let me invest your hard-earned
dollars in money market accounts,
munis, savings accounts in increments
so small the IRS remains unaware.
That's a lot of accounts.
Hundreds. That's why you need someone
like me to manage the portfolio.
- And what's your cut?
- That's a good question.
What do you think is fair?
I hate when people
do this. You go first.
20% of the proceeds.
- Give us a minute.
- Certainly. I had my eye on a cruller.
Pastries are my weakness.
- I would have said Boy Scouts.
- What do you think?
[DANNY] I don't know. It's weird.
I wouldn't trust this
guy around a preschool,
yet somehow I trust him with our money.
Me too. If there's a
hustle here, I don't see it.
[DANNY] I'm tired of playing hide
and go seek with all this cash.
Not to mention it wouldn't be available
every time you piss off your wife.
I didn't enjoy that.
All right. Let's give it a shot.
- Test run? A million?
- Sounds right.
Oh, Gregory.
- Have we arrived at a decision?
- We have.
Let's throw one million
dollars. See how it goes.
Lovely.
Nothing personal.
I have a compromised immune system.
[GIGGLES]
- Hey
- Oh, hey.
What the fuck are you doing here?
- I was just visiting your mother-in-law.
- At midnight?
Is it that late? Really?
Oh, God
- Please don't tell me.
- What? That my heart is singing.
Nate, come on.
You're putting Sandra and I
in a very awkward position.
Look, I'm sorry, but
you gotta understand.
My wife hasn't touched
me in, like, two years.
And I didn't even care.
- Until Wendy came along.
- [SHUDDERS]
She opened up something inside
me that I never knew existed.
So can I trust you to
keep this under wraps?
You know, at least until Wendy
and I decide what our next move is.
Next move! What?
Hey, this is not a one-night stand.
This is my last shot at happiness.
- [GROANS]
- So we're good?
- What choice do I have?
- Thank you.
Thank you.
And I love what you've done with
the vines along the side wall there.
- It's like Tuscany.
- Go away.
- Are you aware?
- Yes.
Well, what are you gonna do about it?
What can I do? They're
two consenting adults.
Two consenting assholes.
That's what they are.
Your mother brought her trailer park
rules to our quiet little cul de sac.
It's not technically a
cul de sac. There's two
- Focus on the fucking.
- I'll talk to her.
Thank you.
By the way, his stupid potato head
thinks he's gonna start a
new life with your mother.
- Aw!
- Don't "Aw!"
Helen and Nate had been
married for 30 years.
We went to their
anniversary party at Outback.
I don't know what to tell you,
Danny. People change. People grow.
Well, nobody's changing
or growing in this house.
Thank you.
We gotta talk about my partner.
Okay. What about him?
High-end psychedelic
therapy was his idea.
So, did you sign any paperwork with him?
Nah, just a hippie handshake.
- Great. Then we can fuck him.
- I don't want to fuck him.
Well, then. So why isn't he here?
Ah. So we're agreed.
We're gonna fuck him.
Oh, hey, try these
shrimp. They're free-range.
Yeah, that's a nice
big fatty right there.
I have it flown in daily from Edmonton.
You still feel good about this?
Yeah. Why? You having second thoughts?
A lot of bank accounts
up and down the state.
It's so boring, it's gotta be legit.
Then why did you ask me if
I still feel good about it?
Because I cherish your opinion, Ray.
If that's not the house of a
guy who lives with his mother,
I'm out of the human being business.
- Welcome.
- Hey.
Sweet crib.
Thank you. Come on in.
This is my mother, Brita.
Mom, this is Danny, Ray.
- Nice to meet you.
- Hi.
I'll be back to turn you later.
Kitchen.
Looking good.
Have a seat.
I took the liberty of outlining where
all your investments are being placed.
As you can see, we are
dispersing your money
among 30 Bank of Americas, 35
Citibanks, and 35 Wells Fargos.
- Whose names are on these accounts?
- Excellent question.
I set up a shell corporation,
of which you're both signatories
- and equal shareholders.
- Which means?
Only you can access these
funds. Any other questions?
We have another half a million in
the car. Why don't we throw that in?
Oh, my. That means I need
to find 50 more banks.
- Is that a problem?
- I will make it work.
I'm gonna go get the other bag
and we'll get out of your hair.
Yeah. Sorry about your mom.
I've got a similar medical
situation going on in my house.
My greatest regret is taking
her to the opera during COVID.
If anything goes sideways,
we know where you live.
I understand.
Or, as your people might say, capisce.
[TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]
[POUNDING ON DOOR]
What the fuck?
Where is that cunt?
- [DANNY] Hi, Helen.
- Where is she?
[SANDRA] What's going on?
Your fucking mother, is what's going on.
Hang on.
I love your jacket.
Where is she?
She ran out back and took my bike.
- What?
- Jesus.
- What?
- We need to talk.
- Who are you?
- I'm Hector.
I'm gonna need a little bit more.
Your partner?
Oh. All right. Yeah, come on in.
There's a deep dish pizza in
the kitchen. Help yourself.
I just gotta get these
rosary beads out of my ass,
and then we'll talk turkey.
- You hear from your mother?
- You mean the cunt?
Hey, that is not a word for you. And no.
[GUN FIRING]
Is that a car backfiring?
Seriously? What, did
Mr. Magoo just drive by?
- Why don't you go?
- Why don't you go and look?
Because I'm not the man of the house.
- We're all equal until there's gunplay.
- What?
- Hi, Danny.
- Hey, Helen.
What you got there?
38 Special.
Nathan bought it during that spate
of burglaries in the neighborhood.
Smart.
Speaking of Nathan. Is he
Dead? Oh, yes.
Okay.
Can you put that down?
I don't need it anymore.
Sorry about the scene
I made at your place.
It's okay. You were upset.
- Do you mind if I call the police?
- I already did.
Terrific. All right. Um
I'll leave you to it.
- [GUN FIRES]
- What the fuck? Fuck!
[HUMMING SOFTLY]
No! No! Oh, my God!
- The fuck?
- My God, Nathan! Nathan! My God!
That's the wife.
Nathan!
There you go.
- Of course they sent you.
- You prick.
- What are you doing here?
- I live next door.
Oh, yeah, the dead Russians.
- Hey, who's the broad?
- Fucking mother-in-law.
Oh, boy. Do you like this neighborhood?
Up until recently.
The wife and I are looking
to buy in the Valley.
I bet we get a good deal
on a murder-suicide house.
- Too soon for jokes, Carl.
- Hey, who's joking?
We could be neighbors.
The bookie and the cop.
We could pitch it as a sitcom.
What? It writes itself.
Welcome aboard. Champagne?
Thank you.
May I store your bag for you?
No.
[GIGGLES]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]