Boston Legal s02e03 Episode Script

Always fantasize about my murder trial.
I think next time I'll leave little clues.
What do you mean, "next time"? Hey, listen, I think you'll remember reverend Diddum.
It turns out the reverend is also a lawyer.
I've decided to let him handle my divorce.
Instead of targeting the ex-husband, we go after the reverend.
The reverend? Three sexual harassment complaints.
The man has a certain weakness.
What exactly did he say about killing? It makes him feel godly.
It was very empowering taking a life.
That's not something we can arrest him for.
We need to talk, Alan.
No, we don't.
You've refallen for a former boyfriend.
You've decided to go back to him.
So be it.
I would like to talk about it.
Why? To put a tidy little bow on it in celebration of the friendship? We're breaking up, Tara.
Let's not turn it into a hallmark moment.
At the root of our relationship was a friendship.
That was perhaps your root.
For me, it's the little things, sharing a glass of wine as we do the crossword, early morning coffee, listening to books on tape while I teethe on your left breast.
Tara? I'm sorry.
I have little doubt you're doing what's best for you.
I decided not to go back to him.
Then what is it we're not talking about? As much as it might not be him, I suppose he made me realize that it isn't you either.
As much as I love you and I do very much I need to move on.
I suppose it's better than moving in.
I really believe if a woman is going to move on, she should be required to move away.
A woman once left me because the way I grunted during sex reminded her of her potbellied pig.
You grunt like a pig during sex? And when I fell asleep after, she said I snored like her pig, too.
You just can't win.
Relationships end for all sorts of reasons.
The only thing you can do is go fishing.
Cancel the rest of your week, Alan.
I'm taking you to Nimmo bay.
Don't be ridiculous.
This is not a meaningful life.
Practicing law, drinking scotch at 9 o'clock in the morning.
Well, maybe the scotch is meaningful.
But practicing law, making money, settling petty disputes, life is in British columbia in the great bear rainforest.
God is out there, Alan.
God likes to fish? We need to go to the woods and touch ourselves, get in touch with ourselves.
Man can only truly bond in the woods.
Come on, Alan.
Let's go fishing.
I'm not a good flyer, especially helicopters.
I don't understand the aerodynamics.
And I'm feeling quite inclined to vomit.
There's fish down there, man.
In that case Coming up to it.
Look.
There.
The Naiad explorer.
There it is.
Nimmo bay! They're surrendering.
Do they think we're attacking? That's how they welcome the guests.
Denny, this may not be the time but I hate nature.
Mrs.
Piper? Detective Stephenson.
- Remember me? - No.
Is there someplace we can talk? After you came to see us, we decided to put a tracking device in Bernard Ferrion's car.
He hasn't used it for a week.
We knocked on his door, talked to neighbors.
Nobody's seen him.
We entered his house, looked around.
Seems he's vanished.
Really? Gee.
When was the last time you saw him? About a week ago, I guess.
I had dinner at his house.
Let's see, on Friday.
Yeah, that's the last day anybody saw him.
What did you talk about? Well, if you must know, I decided to end our friendship.
Maybe he went fishing.
I hear men do that.
Did he know that you tried to turn him in? No! If you hear from him, - Would you let us know? - Of course.
- I'making progress.
- What progress? Just get him compromised and proceed directly to blackmail.
Do not pass go First of all, I am not about blackmail.
In so many words.
And second, when I decide to screw somebody, even figuratively, I still like foreplay.
Nice.
The man isn't stupid, Garrett.
I need to move slowly.
Please, dear father, give us the serenity to find accord, the compassion to find victory and fairness and to remember that despite our differences, we remain one man under God.
Amen.
Okay.
We last left off on vacation allowances.
I still have to deny that.
Well, he was accustomed during the marriage As a luxury.
I like that we start with the prayer.
Thank you for that.
You're a nice person.
Can we table the vacation allowance for now and get back to health insurance? Sure.
Give me a sec to just run these numbers.
Make up your mind.
What time is it? Forward cast stops at 10, backcast at 2.
You want to let the rod do the work.
When will it finally be my turn? You guides aren't very good at sharing.
Okay.
It's not a fly swatter.
Where are all the fish? Can't hit the river until you learn to cast.
Look at you, roughing it in the great outdoors.
- 10 and 2.
- Stop with the time.
- Hello, Catherine.
- Hello.
- May I help you? - Well, I, uh - I may have a situation.
- Okay.
I had befriended a man, Bernard Ferrion, a seemingly benign little person who had killed both his mother and neighbor this firm represented him.
Alan got him off both times.
Are you aware of any of this? Some.
Well, at his core, I maintained Bernard was not evil, which is, I suppose, in part why I befriended him.
But I suddenly became convinced he was evil and would kill again.
I went to the police and revealed some things that may have been privileged.
I'm sorry about that.
But my conscience Anyway, the police said little could be done, which stunned me, of course.
Well, I became horrified, I suppose, at the prospect of Bernard taking more human life.
And? I killed him.
What do you mean, you killed him? I bludgeoned him with his own skillet.
And now the police are asking questions, - And I don't know what to do.
- Catherine - You killed a man? - Yes, dear.
If only your prolonged staring could bring him back.
She doesn't want us to go to the police.
She's not looking to turn herself in, so much as, I guess, she wants to be prepared should she be arrested.
She killed one of our clients? First thing we have to make sure of is, we don't have some legal obligation to report it.
No, we don't.
A confession to you is privileged.
What about our duty to Bernard Ferrion? He was a client.
I'm not sure our duty there would survive his death.
Hit him on the head with a skillet? At a minimum, it would be a public relations nightmare if it got out that we knew and said nothing.
I think we need to convince her to confess to the police.
I don't think she has any intention of doing that.
- Where's the body? - Evidently, in his basement.
- She just killed him? - Yes, Paul, she killed him.
He's dead.
Can we move on? Tara, is this woman insane.
- Clearly, she must be.
- She has to be fired.
No, that would be an indirect violation of privilege.
If that action could indirectly She kills clients! I think we need to convince her to go to the police.
And if she refuses? We lie to her, tell her the police are about to find out.
We can't lie to her, Paul.
She's a de facto client.
Doing nothing here could devastate the moral integrity of this firm.
Where is Alan Shore? He has a relationship with her.
- He's in Canada.
- Tara dumped him.
- Is he reachable? - Apparently not.
Well, Shirley, you need to persuade the woman to confess.
Even if it's to her legal detriment? Yes.
Sometimes the firm has to come first.
You can see them in there.
Look at the crystal-clear water.
My fly went right by his nose.
Eat it, you picky bastard.
Should I be concerned that the guide brought a gun? Well, you never know when a grizzly will wander out.
Relax.
Just catch a fish, would you please? Unlike you, I didn't eat back at the lodge.
Who cooks it, by the way? It's catch and release.
What do you mean? We let them go.
What do you mean, "we let them go?" We just traveled 3,500 miles.
We don't get to eat them? I brought you out here to expose you to, to Big fish, which I'm now told we can't eat.
Once you see one and hold one in your hand, not that you will, because they're almost impossible to catch, but I might if the gods favor me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait just a second.
Did you say I might not even get one? It's called fishing, man, not catching.
No, no, no, no.
You haul me halfway across the world to help me get over my painful breakup with Tara.
And now you're telling me the fish are uncatchable? By beginners.
I'll get one if you just shut up and let me fish.
- Fish on! - Hey, we got one! - Look at that! - What do I do? - Keep it on your line! - All right, tip up! Don't lose your balance, man.
Stand up! Let it run.
He's on your line! Don't horse it in! Keep your line taut! Fight him, man, fight him! The odds are, Catherine, the police will find out.
It is our united feeling that the best way to achieve the most leniency, is for you to go to the police of your own accord and tell them what happened.
You're lying, dear.
Why would I lie? Because the worst thing that can happen to this firm, is for it to become public that one of your employees murdered a client and you sat on the information.
I may not be a lawyer but, it seems to me that if I confess, it might make things easier for them.
Catherine, on the one hand, you tried to introduce Bernard Ferrion to your faith in the hopes of saving his soul.
But denying this man a funeral, his opportunity to rest in peace with god, that isn't in keeping with his salvation.
Did you commit this act because he was evil or because you are? Because he was.
Then I would advise you, do not let his final legacy be the destruction of your moral and spiritual character.
This firm will defend you.
I give you my word.
You will have this firm's full resources.
I want Alan Shore.
If I can get him back to the charity at heart discount of six and a quarter I couldn't sell it.
Oh, I have a hard time believing that, Sara.
You seem so incredibly compelling.
Surely you can move Denise a little perhaps in the way you move me.
I'm afraid I'm going to have to have another attorney handle this matter.
I beg your pardon? It's just divorce law isn't my specialty, and I feel Denise's interests aren't best being served.
You're doing wonderful work here.
We're almost at a meeting of the minds.
It's not the meeting of the minds that concerns me.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have said that.
- What did you mean by it? - Nothing.
I apologize.
I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
Okay.
I'm attracted to you.
I mean, I'm not.
I just think I am.
Which is to say, I have a problem.
Problem? I shouldn't be litigating with clergy.
What do you mean? This has to just be between us.
You can't tell your client.
Should it ever get back to my client No, I give you my word.
I, um I have a clergy fetish.
Clergy fetish.
I've been secretly prolonging these negotiations just to be close to you.
Perhaps I can help.
- You need to leave.
- No.
Sara You need to go now, reverend.
Just go.
- How did we do? - He's ready to fall.
- When? - He'll be back.
And I'll close it.
I can't believe I'm here doing this.
Well, we have to at least see the scene before calling the police.
Why do they always put the dead bodies in the basement? So they can still entertain.
Well, there's nothing down here.
Looks like she lied to us.
Look.
Did she say he was in an icebox? Nope.
- Open it.
- You open it.
- Why me? - You're a man.
Do the math.
Oh, no.
I'm not opening it.
I still can't believe I'm even here.
I make over a million dollars a year, and I'm in a basement looking for a dead midget.
Good job! Another one? What's he got on? He's bigger than the last one.
- Look, Denny, look! - I see.
I see.
Keep your tip up.
Tip up.
That's it.
- Now let him run.
- Oh, my god.
I saw his mouth.
He had a smile, Denny.
He likes being caught.
You see how happy he looked? Okay, gain some line on her.
Reel it in.
Hold on.
Let me check the drag there.
The guide is bonding.
Okay.
This is unbelievable, Denny.
You have no idea.
You really should try catching one.
Oh, my god.
You promised me Alan Shore.
You'll get him as soon as he gets back from Canada.
Well, why can't you just call him? Because he has his satellite phone turned off.
You'll get him, Catherine.
I promise.
In the meantime, arraignment is set for 9 A.
M.
tomorrow.
Between now and then, do not talk to anybody.
And I realize, Catherine, that for you this represents the challenge of a lifetime.
We need to keep all our defense options open.
And for that to happen, you cannot talk.
Excuse me, is it unusual to catch five cohos in one day? I mean, while your fishing partner catches none? If you caught five, I'd say you had a bit of luck.
Beginner's luck.
You're not competitive over this sort of thing, are you, Denny? Could you pass me the ashtray, please? Ah.
Thank you.
I'd have reached for it myself but, my shoulders are a bit sore from all that reeling.
- How many did you catch? - I didn't fish.
So that would put you about even with Denny.
I'm sorry.
Are you Denny Crane? I am.
And I'm not your father.
I'm Peter Barrett.
I'm an attorney, actually, and I'm a big admirer.
Fine.
I'm still not your father.
You're a salmon fisher, Mr.
Crane? I catch 'em in my sleep.
That must be the only place he catches them.
I see why Tara dumped you.
I'm about to.
There's no Tara.
Don't be deceived.
Denny and I are lovers.
I'm a heterosexual, and I catch salmon like one.
Well, you won't be catching them for long, I'm afraid.
Wild pacific salmon are being wiped out.
What are you talking about? Sea lice are killing them.
The weight of evidence points toward the fish farms.
Fish farms? The penned fish in the fish farms host the lice, which attach themselves to the baby wild salmon migrating past the pens, and it's destroying them.
I'm actually here because I'm going into court in port McNeill tomorrow to try to enjoin another fish farm from going in.
Boy, would I love to go in with the Denny Crane by my side.
You one of those environmental lawyers? Is there something wrong with that? They're evildoers.
Yesterday it's a tree.
Today it's a salmon.
Tomorrow it's "let's not dig up Alaska for oil" "because it's too pretty.
" Let me tell you something.
We came out here to enjoy nature.
Don't talk to me about the environment.
All reality.
None of it scripted.
Sara, I must tell you, I, too, have felt a connection.
Maybe what you're feeling isn't the product of a fetish so much as two of God's children desirous of coming together.
- Take off your collar.
- I'm sorry? I want to see you as a man for a second, not as a minister.
Please take it off.
Now give it to me.
Have you come to make love to me, reverend? Yes.
We need to settle the case first, at a number where I can't possibly be accused of any conflict of interest.
I can sell it to him.
Can we make love here? I don't want to go anywhere.
I just want to do it right here.
It's what God wants.
Can I watch? Reverend, reverend, you little slut.
What's going on? What's going on is you selling out your client for sex.
It's what God wants.
I'm shocked.
This is what's going to happen.
You're going to tell your client that he'll get a check for $100,000.
He'll take it because it's more than he deserves, perhaps more than he'll get if he goes to trial.
I'll report the both of you.
To who? Your church or mine? on it.
Pray on it.
Off you go now.
Oh, my god.
This book, "A stain upon the sea", it's all about these sea lice.
- Interesting.
- They call them "cling-ons.
" Did you say Klingons? They really could wipe out salmon if something isn't done.
They have to do something.
Don't you care? What's the worst-case scenario? they're extinct in 20 years or so? I'm 72.
I'll be extinct in 10.
What do I care? That would be humorous if so many people didn't think exactly that way.
When does the male bonding part come in on this trip? I'm not into the Canadian weenie welding.
What scares you most in life, Denny? I told you.
I got the mad cow, and my penis only works on medication.
Yes, besides that.
Dying? I've died many times.
Can we talk about something other than sex? What about you? What scares you? Being alone, I guess.
Don't get me wrong.
I love solitude.
I like it best in relationships.
But it's gonna feel strange not having Tara in my bed.
I've always had this feeling and I've never shared it with anybody.
But I'm convinced in a past life I was murdered in my sleep.
You're wacko.
I'm trying to be vulnerable here.
Could you toss me a bone, give me something? I know what you're doing.
And I'm not sleeping with you.
Forget about it.
Turn off the light.
You're not getting my bone.
Don't take this personally.
Keeps away the bad dreams.
Understood.
Denny? I'm really glad we did this.
Me, too.
What are you doing in my bed? I don't know.
What do you mean you don't know? I got scared.
I thought I heard a bear outside, and then I couldn't fall back asleep.
Turns out I find pig sounds rather soothing.
Plus your snoring is so rhythmic.
I just laid down to calm myself.
I'm sorry.
We slept together.
I won't tell.
I promise.
$100,000? And we're done? Yes.
May I ask why? Well, basically, reverend Diddum convinced me that coming out of this financially richer isn't worth it at the expense of my, um, well, dignity.
But the truth is, Denise, I can provide for myself, and I will make that tour.
Having to go a little hungry is perhaps exactly what I need.
If I inherit success, I can never earn it.
So this is, uh this is what I'm doing.
Okay.
I admire that.
Reverend Diddum, I admit, I doubted your integrity.
I'm sorry.
I accept your apology.
Well, upon execution of the papers, I'll cut a check.
I guess we're done.
What did you do? We made a strong presentation regarding the economics of a trial balanced by the risk factor of his losing.
Then we made a compelling principle-based argument targeting character.
Ultimately, they were persuaded.
What did you do? Hey, Denny! You might want to speed up your retrieve.
Oh, shut up.
Bite it! It's right in front of your mouth.
Eat it! You miserable bastard.
This one came in quickly.
Maybe word got out I don't eat them.
I must be up to 15 by now.
Not that I'm counting.
Denny certainly isn't.
- Picture? - Why not? It couldn't be closer to your mouth.
Oh, it's a steelhead.
You got a steelhead.
One's more beautiful than the next.
Don't squeeze him too tight.
You miserable bastards! God, these things are strong.
They really are extraordinarily beautiful creatures.
Got one! Catherine, we have to offer some defense.
Look at me, dear.
I'm old.
Older than you, even.
I'm not gonna go out of this world making excuses.
I don't know what your impression of prison is, but it's not the kind of place where you can sit around and knit Afghans for a few months and sell them afterwards.
You are up on murder charges.
He was gonna kill again.
The police wouldn't do anything.
He had a look in his eye that he might even whack me if I crossed him.
Well, I wasn't gonna wait for that.
I tried to introduce the little weasel to God.
Well, now he can meet him up close, face-to-face.
Can I fish yet? No.
You still have a time-out.
You just sit there.
As you said yourself, Denny, these fish are positively majestic.
Sacred, even.
And you shot one.
- Sometimes I get competitive.
- Really? You've upset the guide.
I'll tell you this, Denny.
I see it now, how this kind of nature can renew you spiritually.
I really see it.
Tell you something else.
In our day jobs, we're lawyers, - And we're good ones.
- What's your point? My point is, given this, given those salmon, there's a hearing going on in port McNeill.
We need to go be lawyers now.
Your first logistical obstacle is the robes.
Canadian lawyers appear in black robes.
We should be able borrow them.
If all else fails, we could stop at a costume shop.
What else? The judges are called "Milord.
" Not "Your honor," but "Milord.
" It's a lot like in England.
What time was the motion? According to the docket, 11 A.
M.
How far away are you? Well, you'll probably join in progress, then.
Good luck.
And, Alan? I miss you.
Case number 932612, commonwealth of Massachusetts vs.
Catherine Piper on the charge of murder in the first degree.
Shirley Schmidt for the defendant, your honor.
We'll waive reading and enter a plea of not guilty.
I'd also like to enter the appearance of Alan Shore.
Question of bail? My client has no criminal record, your honor, dating back to the 1800s.
She has strong roots in her community.
There is no flight risk.
Personal recognizance for a homicide case Usually wouldn't apply, but my client may have special medical needs due to her incredibly advanced years.
And the criminal act in question here involves one lone incident of self-defense.
Excuse me.
You're pleading self-defense? We are.
The defense will stipulate to the fact that she caused Bernard Ferrion to cease living.
We will stipulate to cause of death.
The only issue before this court will be justification.
Hence we move for a speedy and immediate trial, citing, once again, my client's advanced years.
Ms.
Murrow? We have no problem with a speedy trial.
Bail is set at $300,000.
We'll conference to set up a trial date.
The affirmative defense of self-defense is so noted.
Mrs.
Piper, you choose to address the court? No.
I just is it possible to request the Robert Blake jury? There's just no scientific evidence that the sea lice are causing the death of wild salmon.
That is ridiculous.
Sea lice wiped out the salmon stock in Norway.
They wiped out the stockin Scotland.
All we're saying is let's wait and do the research.
This is a vendetta against the farmed fish.
There's no such thing.
We have no issue with farmed fish so long as they can raise their stock in an environmentally sustainable manner and not host millions of sea lice.
Closed containment systems have been shown to work.
Okay, gentlemen, I've heard your arguments.
I have your briefs.
I'll review the matter as well as the science.
Greetings, Oh, Canada! Denny Crane.
Good morning, Milord.
My name is Alan Shore, and Mr.
Crane and I are attorneys from the commonwealth of Massachusetts.
We seek permission to be heard on this issue as friends of the court.
Mr.
Shore, we don't wear wigs in Canada.
Nor do we wear waders.
Milord, we've just spent the last two days in your rivers, in your countryside.
It is the most spectacular nature I have ever seen.
And the fish, they're enough to make one believe in a higher power.
Yes.
How many of the higher power's creations did you torture? Denny didn't catch any.
I get your implication, judge, and I acknowledge the hypocrisy of the fisherman pleading for the survival of a species only so that he'll be able to continue dragging them to the shore by the lip in perpetuity.
But causing a fish discomfiture and causing it to become extinct are two very different things, and when talking about the pacific salmon, this is a species that goes back to the ice age.
One that is born on a river, migrates up to then returns to the very place of birth to spawn against enormous, miraculous odds, bringing nutrients on its journey to sustain the bald eagles, the grizzly bears, the wolves, even the rain forests themselves.
An entire coastal ecosystem depends on them.
If Charlotte the spider was still alive today, she'd be writing in her web, "some fish.
" Yes, well, forgive me, but I find it insulting to be lectured by an American on the environment.
Watch it, judge.
We're a superpower.
Don't make us add you to the axis.
Being from the United states, I have an expertise on the issue.
- Do you? - Yes.
Remember we're the country that's practically wiped the grizzly bear off our maps.
We got rid of bull trout.
To see a Florida panther, you have to go to a hockey game.
We seek to count hatchery salmon as wild so the numbers go up and we can take the actual wild salmon off the endangered species list.
Almost a hundred different bird and animal species have gone extinct in the last 30 years, while our national policy remains "it's not a priority.
" I know all about economic interests trumping the environment.
And truthfully, if we were talking about the Virgin island screech owl or the fresno kangaroo, I might not care.
But this is the pacific salmon.
The sea lice are killing them.
Once they're gone, judge, my god, they're gone.
Oh, yes.
Mindful that abroad people tend to expect shock and awe when yankees arrive on the scene, we shall leave you with two small but lasting words.
Denny Crane, eh? Next week? Well, assuming she passes the psychiatric test and is deemed competent for trial.
How can you get to a murder trial in a week? Well, there are no facts in dispute.
It comes down to justification only.
Paul, we can't let this case drag on.
The more it lives, the more our reputation Shirley, we cannot compromise the woman's defense just to quickly sweep it under Paul, we persuaded her to confess, for god's sake.
Now you're worried about compromising her? It was in her best interest to come forward.
Oh, right.
I forgot.
We look better than we smell.
Shirley looked at us kind of funny.
Do you think she knows that we slept together? She might.
We still have that glow.
Quite a trip.
I shot my first steelhead.
Thank you, Denny.
You took my mind off Tara.
You took me to a new land.
Most of all, took me to a new place.
What do you mean? You've occasioned, uh, a cynical, material, urban man to feel passion for a fish.
I think Canada liked us.
How could they not? Here.
I think we make quite a team, I can tell you that.
Yes, we do.
We're good on the road.
Indeed.