Breaking In (2011) s02e03 Episode Script

Yeah, I have a stamp from, like, every state Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California, - Colorado, Connecticut - Ricky, can you mail this or not? Delaware, Florida, Georgia Sorry, Borten.
We've got a serious situation.
Oh.
Indiana And now you're out of it.
Cameron with the rescue.
Saved me from the Bortex.
Oh, the bumping of fists Universal sign of not getting any.
How'd she feel? Was she gentle? - Shut up.
I have - No clue what you're doing.
Oh, this from the guy Who thinks you have no game.
Yes, I Suck.
Look, I've told you before Melanie's an ice road trucker trapped inside the body of a telemundo weather girl.
With a woman like that, you gotta go big Epic gesture big.
And I've told you before I'm not projecting her face on the moon like the bat signal.
(Click) (Clatter) (Scoffs) Terrible idea.
The craters made her face look like machete.
Just stay out of it.
(Veronica, singsongy) Hola.
Hide the bong.
Mother's home.
Veronica.
How are you? Ooh.
How was Boston? Ooh.
How how's, uh, how's your daughter? My kid? Are you kidding me? Fantastic.
Chip off the old block.
I, on the other hand, won't be picking my own lobster out of the tank again anytime soon.
Ow.
(Chuckles) But I didn't forget about my office fam.
No, I did not.
Hey, who's in the mood for a little authentic new England clam cho (Sniffs) Okay, that did not travel well.
Dibs.
(Sniffs) (Sighs, whispers indistinctly) All right, kiddies.
Lace up your gloves.
It is clobberin' time.
Yeah! Clobberin' time! Whoo! I don't know what that is.
Moving right along, I just got off the phone with Billy Lumberg from Initech.
They're taking some heat in the form of a hack attack.
Their office lights aren't malfunctioning.
They've been turned into a video game.
Oh, my eyes just had sex.
Wait, his call sign is "Rembrandt"? I think I've heard of this guy.
Who are these "hackers," anyway? Sad, lonely, pathetic virgins who don't have anything better to do with their time? (Laughs) What? No.
That's just a cruel stereotype.
There's no evidence that supports that.
I mean, sure, anecdotal evidence, but Uh-oh.
My crush-o-meter has been activated.
(Imitates rhythmic beeping) What? Boop, boop! (Laughs) - It's such a treat to have you back.
- Thank you.
All right, so let's go catch a hacker.
What do you say? Huh? Cammy, this job has your name written in its undies.
Do whatever it takes.
If I may interject, do catch the hacker, but not do "whatever it takes.
" And the bad news in three, two O.
C.
P.
has mandated that each new job will now be monitored by a protocol officer.
"A protocol officer"? That's bull.
I don't need a babysitter.
I'm a grown-ass man.
(Makes beeping noise) (Whirring) (Sighs) (Whirring stops) Who who's the officer? (Cameron) Oh, what? (Cackles) Oh, come on.
Why? This is a complete list of all the lawsuits brought against contra in the past year.
It's quite a hefty file.
Yeah.
I let her carry it around.
Otherwise, I might get those great, big, crazy Madonna arms.
(Oz) Hey, hey, hey.
Half of these lawsuits are completely frivolous.
Yes.
And the other half? I mean, look at this.
We have "destruction of property," "invasion of privacy" Oh, and my personal favorite, "trading with the enemy.
" Mm.
Hey.
Fidel.
Como estas, you wild man? Really appreciate the fine Cubans you sent, but I was sort of talking about cigars.
(Chuckles) In summary, let's go get that hooligan Rembrandt whilst staying within the law.
I'll allow it.
(Cameron) "He'll allow it"? (Whirs) He's not the one driving around blind all night, looking for a wireless signal.
Blind? Son, this is the cash I-g-88 antenna.
This bad boy'll pick up Rembrandt's signal from anywhere in the city and steer you right to him.
All right, I guess I owe you one.
Now actually, you owe me two.
(Monotone voice) So follow me, 'cause the second one is much more epic than the (High-pitched singsong voice) First one.
(Monotone voice) When you sing like that, it makes me very (High-pitched singsong voice) Nervous.
Behold Your new epic gesture for Melanie.
Cash! I said no! How did you even do this? And why is she giving the thumbs up? Hey, Mel.
Still up for teaching me how to drive stick? Anytime.
(Computer keys click, beeping) (Female automated voice) Commence body scan now.
(Whispers) Yes.
That's very thorough.
It's quite simply My ass-terpiece.
(Melanie) 'Sup, guys? What the hell? Is that Is that supposed to be me? Melanie, meet Metalnie.
Cameron's been working on it for weeks.
"Metalnie"? You made a metal me? No, cash made it for me.
I mean, he made it for me to give to No, that didn't come out right.
Okay, he made it Why did anyone make it? Cam, what did you think, you'd save me from the Bortex or detail my bike or or or or this, and then suddenly we have babies and a chocolate lab? I mean No, I always pictured a labradoodle.
Come on.
It's not gonna happen.
(Oz) Listen up, people.
Goody mctwoshoes has sprung some new protocols on us.
Yes, from now on, there'll be no more solo ops at night.
at minimum.
Safety and liability reasons.
And since cam is gonna have his face planted in a laptop all weekend, he's gonna need a wingman.
That's gonna be Eenie, Meenie, Miney Melanie! You are it! (Whispers) Oh, God.
(Scoffs) Is that a problem? No, no.
It's great.
No, we're good.
Good! Well, then go out there and catch me a hacker.
Holy Moly! I should get one made of me for my deck! Heh.
You know, Ariel was 11 pounds when she was born.
Wow.
Yeah, my vagina just snapped right back.
Good for you.
Uh-oh.
Here she is, in the goth phase.
- Ooh.
- Look at that.
She's 12 years old.
Don't you just want to kiss that deathly pale, little, pierced face? - Ooh.
- Yeah.
You want to see the love of my life? Yes, I do.
My dog Sammy.
People even say we look alike.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
He's a stray.
I found him in the woods one night, drinking.
(Laps) So adorable.
Look at that.
Mm-hmm.
You know your dog is a possum, right? Yeah.
I can tell because this is a possum.
Ladies.
As much as I love hearing about her freaky pet rodent, I've got operatives in the field.
(Cameron) Here we go.
This is it.
(Beep) Dude, cash's antenna actually worked.
We just pulled up in front of Rembrandt's house.
Cut my legs off and call me "shorty.
" Now stake out the house until we get r.
On the hacker.
Then I want you to come back here, i'm gonna put my head under the tire of the car, and I want you to back it up.
Okay? Okay, we're We're gonna go now.
(Click) (Sighs) So just you and me But not in that way.
Didn't mean it like that.
("Belleza de bano" playing) Oh, my God.
Wow, wow.
How do you where is Where's the button? Where's the button? How do you change that? You don't.
The knob's missing, and (Click, music stops playing) I can't find a new one.
For the last year, it's been stuck on (Imitates announcer) "La movidita 101.
3!" (Chuckles) Here.
Oh, no.
See? Right there.
This.
It's like you're living in a Katherine Heigl movie, and she sucks.
I was I was just being nice.
No, you were being chivalrous, going all heigl Jackets over puddles, making out in the rain puke.
I would never put a jacket on a puddle, especially if it's suede.
Cam, I'm sorry.
You're a great guy But you need a romantic comedy girl, and that's just not me.
Dude I don't even like to cuddle.
How many chicks can say that? Yeah, I I get it.
We're just friends.
(Slaps hands) Damn right.
We're just friends.
Oh.
Oh, what are you doing? Wha What are you ohh, no, no.
Nothing.
What? Ohh.
(Knock on window) (Stammers) Uhh! Hey.
How you doing? Y'all staking out my house, right? What? No, we're just friends.
What? What? Made you pop-tarts.
Huh? And you are who? You slow? I'm Rembrandt, fool.
The hacker? Y'all been sitting out here all night.
I mean, any more obvious, you'd be in a damn van marked "surveillance.
" How old are you? I'm 14, your fineness, if you ever want to trade up from that.
Inappropriate.
This is not a game.
You are in deep trouble.
Look, man, I'm late for skipping school, but, um, catch me if you can, chumps.
All right? All right.
Looking good.
All right.
Here's what we got so far.
This is Rembrandt, a.
K.
A.
Jamal Jenkins.
Not since Cameron price have we seen a hacker with this kind of skill.
This kid's only 14.
14.
Whatever happened to kids just being kids? Playing hide-and-go-seek, reverse cowgirl, tramp stamps I mean, kids deserve a childhood.
It's sad.
I guess the only thing we can do is call the po-po.
They'll have lil' bow wow in jail before study hall.
Oh.
I'm getting call waiting.
Sorry.
It's my conscience.
Hi, Renee.
Yeah.
Oh, sorry.
Can you hear me now? Yes.
Yes, I will.
Thank you.
Renee thinks you're a douche.
I'm not paid to have a conscience.
That's why we gotta Shawshank this kid.
Well, I'm sorry, Oswald, but as a mother, I simply cannot allow this to happen.
As a guy who's been in the security business for the last 20 years, I'm telling you, stay out of it.
(Giggles) (Woman) Do not lie to me, Jamal.
Now if what she's saying is true, you won't be going to m.
I.
T.
You're gonna go straight to the penitentiary, just like your Uncle Floyd.
Uncle Floyd was making up-skirt videos.
I didn't do nothin'.
You never "do nothin'," do you, Jamal? Know what? I've had enough.
Three women ganging up on me I'm not with this.
I don't like it at all.
I'm outta here.
Hey, girl.
I'd drink your bathwater.
Honestly, I don't know what's happened to him (Door opens and closes) But he used to be such a great kid.
He was an honor student, did school plays, but now (Sighs) I just don't know what else to do.
J'ney, may I ask you a question, just mother to mother? Actually, it's Janet.
Oh, "Janet.
" Yes, of course.
Janet, uh, it might have been obvious, but I feel like I really get Jamal Excuse me? Um, I don't think we should be here.
And I was wondering if you would let me take him under my wing, just for a little while, to see if I could help him get back on track.
(Sighs) Okay.
Okay.
I really appreciate the interest that you're taking in Jamal.
Oh, come on, girlfriend.
It ain't no thang.
Okay.
Now you have reached your limit.
Thank you for coming by.
- Well, thank you, j'ney.
- It's "Janet.
" (Whispers) Sorry.
(Jamal) You want tickets to the gun show? I'm not a I'm not a fan of guns.
(Whispers) What about these guns, baby? Are you crazy? I tell you to stay out of it, and this is what you do? I'm sorry, Oswald, but that boy out there is in trouble, and I'm going to save him.
This is my "the blind side.
" Oh, dear God, no.
Oh, yes.
Oh, that's a darling little movie.
The girl from "speed," - and she takes in a gentle giant of a boy.
- I've seen it.
(Gasps) You can be the husband, and Jamal is our big Mike.
Listen, oz, everyone else has given up on that kid out there, but not me, and that is why I have made him Our new office intern.
No, no.
Veronica, you've got it backwards.
This is not a boy that you make an intern.
This is a boy that you turn in.
Mark my words Jamal Alphonso Jenkins will surprise us all.
(Sighs) Well, he's certainly off to a wonderful start.
Go ahead.
Touch it.
I-I don't think I should Go ahead.
Touch it.
Right now.
Go ahead.
Nice and hard, right? Uh-huh.
That's right.
I knew it.
From fist bump to cuddle, that's the power of the epic gesture, baby.
Next stop (Singsongy) The bone zone.
(Lowered voice) Okay, just keep it down.
She's right there.
Uh, hey, Mel? You have a quick second? Time's up.
(Laughs) You're like the beeper kiosk at the mall Shut down.
Oh, dude, shut up.
Seriously? That was both a burn and a social commentary.
Respect.
Hey.
What's the deal with you and Melanie? Why is she giving you the cold shoulder? (Sighs) Something might have happened last night at the stakeout.
Really? You two? Car Booty? They cuddled.
Cuddles?! Bat cave now.
(Whoosh) Okay.
Now who cuddled who? Did you cuddle her, or did she cuddle you? Uh, I think she cuddled me.
No! (Whoosh) You cuddled her.
You understand? You cuddled her.
Say it! I cuddled her? (Whoosh) The thing you gotta understand about Melanie is that feelings are like kryptonite to her.
The only way she can handle 'em is to fly away from 'em.
Um, Melanie? Will you be my Valentine? Class? We have a new transfer student today.
Say "hello" to Melanie.
So you better undo that cuddle with Melanie before she transfers to another school.
Okay? Boop.
So, Jamal, as our beloved and respected intern, your job will be filing, faxing, color-coding All the things that teenage boys love the most.
(Clears throat) Oh.
But most importantly, Jamal, I would like you to make yourself at home.
Oh, miss Mann, you do not know how much I appreciate this opportunity.
Oh, come on.
Call me "moms.
" "Moms.
" Oh! Yeah, I'm-a get to know you people real quick.
(Beeping) (Veronica, singsongy) Jamal.
Come to moms.
(Engine turns off) Mel, wait.
We need to talk.
I've got nothing to say.
Just I'm sorry about this morning.
I shoplifted the cuddle.
It was my fault.
It'll never happen again.
Okay.
Are you done now? You know what? No, no.
Look, I didn't shoplift the cuddle! All right? I woke up, and we were spooning.
And guess what? You were the big spoon.
Yeah.
A big soup ladle, and I was just a little baby food spoon.
What are you talking about? Dude, you cuddled me, and I don't care anymore.
I get it.
You're not into me, and frankly, - seeing this side of you - I am.
I'm not into you, either, so you can just go you think that weak excuse for a kiss makes up for (sighs) I can't believe this finally happened.
I know.
Me, too.
Because right now Kind of in the perfect moment.
Oh.
So you're a heigl after all.
(Sighs) (Chuckles) (Chuckles) Right now I am.
(Sighs) (Pants) Ready for round three? Absolutely.
Just give me 20 minutes and some coconut water, I'll be good to go.
Oh, God.
Shut up.
(Both moaning) Veronica.
Got ourselves a little bit of a situation here.
Oh, yeah? Well, make it snappy.
I'm taking Jamal out for ice cream and a new laptop.
The situation is about Jamal.
- Yeah, he's, like, you know, a dick.
- Total dick.
Yeah, you should change his name to "Richard.
" All he ever does is come on to us foxy babes in the office.
Ooh, hey, little miss Muffet, let me slap that tuffet.
Ooh.
I'll get you double pregnant.
Yeah.
Oh, no.
(Clatter) What's happened there? He's also stolen some laptops, all of our files, everybody's social security number The kid's a klepto.
He's gotta go.
Oh, okay.
The name on the card is "buddy r" I-is it "revell"? Yeah, "b-buddy revell.
" Uh-huh.
I'll take 20 of 'em.
That's right.
(Crack) Would you callous people be interested to know why Jamal might be acting out like this? Mnh-mnh.
Negative.
(Sentimental music playing) Jamal's father pushed a broom for initech for 30 years, and one day before he was supposed to receive his pension, they fired him.
How do you feel about it now? I don't care at all.
Veronica, Jamal's father is a very successful chiropractor.
(Music warps abruptly) You've been played by a child, my dear.
Veronica.
What? Jamal has just hacked into o.
C.
P.
'S bank accounts.
Oh.
And he pinched my bottom.
Mm.
(Molly) Um, oz, could I have a moment, please? It's it's rather urgent.
Really not in the mood to hear about your protocol.
Well, actually, I'm about to break protocol - and share some rather sensitive information with you.
- Mm.
I think Veronica's "blind side" thing is really about her relationship with her daughter.
Yeah, I've seen the photos Picnics, puzzles They're besties.
Yes, when she was 10, but since then, she's become a bit of a monster.
- Huh.
- That's why Veronica was in Boston.
She was taking Ariel to a school for troubled teens.
Ariel got a face tattoo.
Ohh.
Now you got me feeling feelings For her! Ohh.
S-sorry.
(Oz) So you just skip school when your parents are at work? I mean, what are you doing here, huh? I mean (Sighs) You could be the next jobs or zuckerberg.
You're throwing your life away.
Why? What? You think social network can bring people together? (Scoffs) What I got is a real people-pleaser X-rated holograms.
Ooh.
(Whispers) Top secret.
All right, look, look, you're still You're gonna return all the stolen merchandise, and you are gonna give Veronica her "blind side" moment.
"Blind side"? Hey! That's racist.
Yes.
Yes, it is, but you're gonna do it anyway, or else.
"Or else" what? I'm Rembrandt, fool.
(Sighs) I'm gonna hard-knock your life.
Gee whiskers and leaping lizards! I love you, too, daddy warbucks! Okay, look, I was 12.
I was just a little kid.
Thank you That was an all-boys school.
What kind of sick, twisted drama teacher thinks "Annie" is a good idea at an all-boys school? I said the same thing.
Well, regardless, if this were to leak out on the Internet, it would pretty much destroy your street cred, wouldn't it? It would.
Only one problem there.
No one knows what Rembrandt looks like.
Ha ha! I'm Rembrandt, fool.
So so you said, "blind side"? That's that's That's the one with the chick from "speed," right? Bingo.
Okay.
(Laughs) All right.
All right.
Now I got one other kid to help out.
Where were you last night? "Love and other drugs" came on.
Anne hathaway gets topless.
I wanted to watch it on the phone with you.
Ooh, bummer to miss that, but I was kind of with Mel all night.
No! We did it? Like, we did it? Did we like it? Were we good? Dude, there is no "we.
" Yes, there is.
I need to feel what you felt, experience what you've experienced.
We need to mind meld.
All right, cash? Chill.
Virginity's making you crazy.
Falsehood.
I had sex with a lady twice.
Comic-con '08 and '09.
It was she-hulk and lady Yoda.
Hey, have you seen Mel? (Cash) Ain't seen her.
(Oz, echoing voice) The thing you gotta understand about Melanie is that feelings are like kryptonite to her.
The only way she can handle 'em is to fly away from 'em.
(Sighs) I'm sorry, kid.
She's gone.
Just tell Cameron I (Sighs) Just explain it to him.
I will.
You'll you'll always have a place here.
Never forget that.
I never will.
(Sighs) Bye, oz.
Be safe.
(Engine starts, revs) She wanted me to give this to you.
(Static) (We are serenades' "walking home" playing) If it makes you feel any better, she does love you.
Just hates love.
Let's do this.
Hasta la vista, baby.
Even if the flowers are gone (Clink) even when the sun is down and things are undone even when the lakes are dry even when the last leaves are falling down love will be around love will be around even if the flowers are gone even when the sun is down and things are undone even when the lakes are dry even when the last leaves are falling down love will be around love will be around Ah (Laughs) We finished.
Whoo!